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Why Kids Want to Be Influencers (And How Parents Should Respond)

The majority of kids today say they want to be influencers. What happens when that shows up in your own home? When your child isn’t just playing or performing… but actively trying to be seen, followed, and validated online? In this episode, a mom of a 10-year-old shares a tension so many parents feel but don’t always say out loud: *I’m proud of her confidence… and I’m scared of what she’s chasing.* Dr. Sheryl unpacks what’s really driving this desire to be “famous,” why it makes so much sense developmentally, and how to respond without shutting your child down — or leaving them unprotected. New episodes drop every Wednesday; follow the show on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-in-between-years/id1883164211 or Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/11zHzFPVMQEqVPETjAkCOh?si=177f2355e366401b so you don't miss a single one! Follow Dr. Sheryl on Instagram: @drsherylatgoodinside Get the Good Inside app: Good Inside Teen: https://www.goodinside.com/lp/teen-parenting/?utm_source=shownotes&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=evergreen&utm_content=utm_content%20=%20shownotes_20260201_expert_sheryl Thank you to our partners for making this episode of The In-Between Years possible! -Equip: https://equip.health/goodinside: Learn about Equip's at-home eating disorder treatment at equip.health/goodinside

Dr. SherylhostMom of a 10-year-oldguest
Apr 15, 202639mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:01

    Sponsor: Getting early, at-home support for eating disorders (Equip)

    1. SH

      Eating disorders don't always look the way we expect. As parents, sometimes the hardest part isn't noticing something feels off, it's figuring out what to do next. Early support can make a real difference, but finding help is often confusing, slow, or disruptive. That's why I'm excited to tell you about Equip, a virtual eating disorder treatment program that helps your child recover at home with a full care team and support for you as parents every step of the way. Equip treats all eating disorders, works with all ages, has no wait list, and is covered by insurance in all 50 states. If you're worried about your child and don't know where to start, visit equip.health/goodinside to learn more about Equip's eating disorder treatment. That's equip.health/goodinside. Most high school students today say they want to be not

  2. 1:01 – 2:03

    Why “I want to be famous” is a common tween/teen dream now

    1. SH

      a doctor, not a lawyer, not an astronaut. They wanna be an influencer, which means at some point, a lot of parents are going to hear a version of this: "I want to be famous." Suddenly, you're not just thinking about ambition, you're thinking about YouTube, comments, algorithms, strangers deciding if your child is worth paying attention to. How do you respond when your child wants something you don't even fully understand? Welcome to The In-Between Years, a podcast from Good Inside for anyone raising, caring for, or loving a tween or teen. I'm Dr. Sheryl. The in-between years are that stretch when kids are no longer little, but not yet fully grown. Friendships shift, emotions get bigger, identity is forming. So many moments that can leave parents wondering, what does it all mean? Welcome

  3. 2:03 – 3:28

    Meet the parent: pride, confusion, and a 10-year-old who wants to be seen

    1. SH

      to The In-Between Years. Today, I'm joined by Lanae. Hi, Lanae.

    2. M1

      Hello.

    3. SH

      I'm so excited you're here. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and your daughter?

    4. M1

      Um, yes. I have a 10-year-old, and she is an only child, and, um, wow, I can't believe that I've made it this far along. [laughs]

    5. SH

      Yeah. So tell me about that. How has it been the last 10 years?

    6. M1

      Um, it's been a wild ride, for sure. Um, so wild to see how the times change and the sweet little things that my princess dress-up daughter used to be and, uh, who she's becoming, and I don't even recognize who she is now. She's like, um... She just wants to be famous. She wants to be seen. She wants to be heard. Um, and to me, I can't believe there's people like that that exist in the world, and that there's little people that exist like that in the world. Uh, and I just don't even understand it. [laughs] And-

    7. SH

      [laughs]

    8. M1

      ... I'm, I'm so proud of her, though, that, like, dream big. How big? Like, I don't know. I didn't do that. I didn't... We didn't talk about that. Um, so yeah, she wants to be famous, and I don't know what that looks like.

  4. 3:28 – 5:54

    Making the digital world relatable: from Barbies to iPads

    1. SH

      Yes. Okay. Before we jump to her, you said something that I really wanna follow up on. Because even though you've never had a 10-year-old daughter, you were 10/like, a child once, right? And so just to be playful and get us in her world, tell me when you were around her age or think about her grade, like, what were some of your dreams? Like, what did you wanna do? What did you talk about or dream about, like, inside?

    2. M1

      I don't feel like I dreamed or talked about anything. [laughs] I mean, I think I was still playing Barbies when I was 10. I think I played Barbies until I was maybe, like, 13.

    3. SH

      I mean, I remember playing with dolls, too, and I guess within that, for me at least, I remember creating... It was like home worlds, right? Or like, you know, Barbie's going here, and then she's driving her car here, and...

    4. M1

      Well, I had half of my closet, um, I had a shelf in there, and each level was like a mall.

    5. SH

      So imagine that you did not any longer have those physical dolls or physical toys, and what you had instead was an iPad. And then what you had within the iPad was this virtual world that you could move with your fingers or maybe even controllers, and you created in that space. What do you think that would've been like for you?

    6. M1

      [laughs] Probably pretty magical.

    7. SH

      So now you go, maybe every day after school, you probably sit on your bed, and you've got this very simple, light, easy to carry, can-go-with-you-anywhere thing, and you're, like, putting things together, and you're changing outfits, and you're changing sceneries and backdrops, and you're in a desert one day, and then you're at the beach the next. You're doing all of these things online. So now, I want you to picture your 10-year-old, and she doesn't get introduced to this at 10 or 9 or even 8, but she probably got introduced to this at 4 or 5, whatever the age was, right? And so she gets to first, like, figure out that when she puts her finger on something, like, [gasps] it moves, and then she can, like, double-click on something and, like, it grows bigger, right? And so her brain is developing. Her brain's still developing, similar to the way yours was. And now, instead of being maybe as focused on like, "Oh, I'll grab, like, a

  5. 5:54 – 9:08

    Competence → identity: why online validation is so compelling at 10

    1. SH

      toilet paper holder, and that'll be a bridge. And then I'll make a tunnel, and then I'll do all these things," right, the... Like we probably did. She's like, "Everything that I dream about and that I want- ... sits right here on this screen. Like, the magic and the dreaming exists on this screen. Look, Mom, isn't this so cool? So now she's a little older, and now she's at 10, right? And so 10 is, like, she's almost peaking at, like, "Okay, what am I good at?" Right? She's not yet... She's, like, definitely dipping a toe in, like, what's my identity and who am I, but she's still in the, like, what am I good at? And I imagine, and you can feel free to share with me, that there are a lot of things that, on a screen, she shows you she's good at. That could be, like, video game, creating something, math problems, writing, e- whatever it is. But it all still exists pretty much on that same screen, okay? So she's at that stage where she's like, "I need to figure out what I'm good at, because when I grow up or when I get the permission from my parent, I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z," and it all still exists right here on this screen. Does that help you, like, even just think about this differently, even right now in this moment?

    2. M1

      Yes, it does, for sure. I wanna understand, because she, she gets it. She wants it. So how do I understand? And I guess part of it is thinking, thinking back, but ugh.

    3. SH

      Here's why I'm doing this with you, partly. Because sometimes when we look at our kids' childhood right now, it feels unrelatable. Like-

    4. M1

      Yeah

    5. SH

      ... you don't relate to mine, right, and I don't really relate to yours. And so something that's already, like, the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life and I feel quite unprepared for is something I have nothing to draw back on. I can't say, "Oh, yeah, I remember doing that when I was your age," 'cause you don't, right? And I want you to remember that while the format or the medium in which she's, like, dreaming and creating about things and, like, getting her competency, the- the place where she does that is different, the process is not. I really would love for you to look at her and say, "This is really cool." Like, I know I also went through a stage of competency, like, where I had to figure out what I was good at. I also had to figure out what I was not good at and not feel bad about it, and I had to fail a whole bunch of times to be like, "Okay, yeah, I really am good at this." And then as soon as I figured out what I was good at, then came identity, and it was like, okay, now you know what you do. Like, maybe it's, you know, like, you're an artist. You're really good at math, whatever it is. Boom. Now who are you? Right? And so she's, like, one foot in and one foot into that world, like, identity and competency, and all of a sudden there's this thing called YouTube.

    6. M1

      Mm-hmm.

  6. 9:08 – 14:06

    From judgment to curiosity: understanding YouTube’s pull without endorsing it

    1. SH

      So enter YouTube and tell me how you feel about it, what scares you, like, maybe what excites you. Like, where does that fit into this equation?

    2. M1

      I mean, I know personally it can very quickly hook me in to being scrolling and looking at these random things that maybe I think are dumb, yet they have a million views and likes on. Um, I don't know. It's really absolutely mind-blowing, the possibilities and how simple apparently it is to use and do and make a video about anything or nothing or something great.

    3. SH

      Okay, let me pause you right there, okay? So for right now, at this exact moment, your thoughts about YouTube is like, "This thing is dumb, and it's also, like, apparently really simple to use, and that kind of scares me," right?

    4. M1

      Yeah.

    5. SH

      So now, now I'm gonna ground you in something else. You are walking into sixth grade, okay? So now I'm making you go back again. Let's rewind to sixth grade. And you're walking into a classroom, and when you walk in, everyone's like, "Lenny! Oh my gosh, you are the best. You are the funniest. High five, high five, high five, high five." Hugs, kisses. Like, you are just amazing. And then there's, like, the one sour kid in the corner that's like, "You're not funny at all."

    6. M1

      [laughs]

    7. SH

      But 25 out of 26 kids in that class are like, "Oh my gosh," like, "Ugh, I wanna be just like you. I wish I could h- have your hair, and I love your clothes, and you're so funny, and you're so talented." Okay? What do you think that would have felt like in sixth grade?

    8. M1

      It would've felt so good.

    9. SH

      Let's go back to our sweet little 10-year-old with that little device on her lap. "Oh, I'm good at this. Look at all these things I can do. Oh, wait, and when I do a couple of these things, I'm getting this feedback that says, like, I'm good. I'm great. I'm funny. I'm so talented. People wanna know, like, how I can do the braids in my hair like I do." At 10 years old, do you think you would've wanted more of that or less of that?

    10. M1

      I would've wanted more of it. [laughs]

    11. SH

      Mm-hmm. Right? It doesn't mean that, like, you're gonna get off right now and you're gonna be like, "Yeah, I think that was... I'm gonna, like, create an account for her. I'm gonna get her a social media manager. We're, like, we're go- we're off to the races." No. All I want you to do, because you came into this with, like, so incredibly, like, confused and, like, what is this whole thing? All I want you to do right now is, is to really, and I want you to be honest whether you do or don't, but to really be able to sit in the like, "Oh, I, I guess so. I guess if I would've walked into a room around that e- especially impressionable age, and a whole bunch of my peers," not adults, not coaches or teachers, that's, like, a different level, my actual peers ... were reinforcing to me, like, all the things that I was looking for validation around, that I'm whatever, I'm talented and I'm awesome. And they were doing that to me. I guess I would've wanted more of that too. Like, can you feel that shift?

    12. M1

      Y- yeah, I feel it. Uh, I just keep feeling also, um, the adult family members that are like, "No," and, uh, how to be able to shift something in, uh, other people's minds when we must shift it in our own. [laughs] But-

    13. SH

      Mm-hmm

    14. M1

      ... what about those people in the back that I really do want to support her, I mean, in so much that I was like, "Hey, let's go talk to Dr. Sheryl. Sweet." [laughs]

    15. SH

      [laughs]

    16. M1

      But then, like, I, I mean, it just feels bad to have the wrong support of people are like, "You've gotta close that YouTube account yesterday." And I'm like, "But I don't wanna close it yesterday." Like, this is happening. Like, whoa, go girl, but, but don't go girl. But don't go girl.

    17. SH

      [laughs] Yes. Like, oh, I get it. Wait. But, but then there's a lot of... And, and it's not even right now about saying, like, there's, there's some risks and there's some downsides. Like, I think we all know that exists, right? So in this moment, does she feel as f- does this whole thing feel as foreign, or can you kind of relate to at least, like, what her experience might be like right now?

    18. M1

      Yeah, I can definitely relate to how it feels for her right now.

    19. SH

      Now, there's the next part, right, which is like, okay, like, okay, something that seemed really different, okay, I'm relating to. Okay, but seriously still, what do I do? Because I think this YouTube thing could take on a life of its own, and I don't know if that's really good for her, and actually I'm getting all these messages it's not.

    20. M1

      Mm-hmm.

  7. 14:06 – 18:20

    What is a parent’s role? Supporting dreams without ‘moving to London’

    1. SH

      So she's 10. I'm curious, w- well, I'm gonna have you go right back to your room at 10 years old. 10, 11, 12, like you said. What did you see the role of your parents or guardian, whoever raised you? Was it, were you raised by parents, grandparents? Who were you raised by?

    2. M1

      Parents. Both-

    3. SH

      Parents

    4. M1

      ... mom and, both mom and dad.

    5. SH

      Both mom and dad. Okay. At the time, not that you were ever sitting around thinking like, "What is the role of my parents in my life?" But looking back right now, what did the role of the parents in your life feel like, or what's your memory around it? What did they do for you then?

    6. M1

      W- um, I know they took me to dance. I know they came to see me dance. Um, but at home, like, I wasn't playing dolls with them. Uh, my dad definitely helped me with my homework, I remember for sure. Um, but I don't really remember a ton of connection with my parents, either, either one.

    7. SH

      I, I think so many people can relate to that, like, I don't know, they weren't really that involved in my life, and I don't know, I just feel like I kinda did my own thing. Although what I heard you say was, "They provided for me and they supported me." Right? They provided for you. You had a, you had a home, you had the ability to go to dance lessons. They drove you there. When you performed, it sounds like they showed up and watched you, and, you know, supported you with homework. Like, someone sat down and did that with you, right? So let's just say, I don't know, the only thing I can remember is they provided for me and they supported me, right? So now you're a parent. Do you... Just starting with those two things. Do you think providing for your daughter and supporting her, is that something you think is your job right now?

    8. M1

      Yes, absolutely.

    9. SH

      Okay. Do you think that if when you were, like, around her age and you would've said to your parents, like, um, "You know, I'm so into dance right now, I think you actually need to send me to, like, Juilliard," or, "I want you to send me to, like, like, London to go study this certain thing. Like, these are my dreams, and can't you just support me?" Do you think they would've been like, "Sure, no problem. We'll get right on it"?

    10. M1

      No.

    11. SH

      No. What do you think they might have done instead, though?

    12. M1

      Oh, maybe some, tak- taking, like, one step up instead of all the way to the top.

    13. SH

      [laughs] Yeah. Right. Maybe they would've been like, "Oh, I'm really hearing that you're, like, loving this dance class. Wanna take two a week?" If they could, right? Or, "Uh, maybe we could, maybe we could go, like, 10 minutes across town to that other studio. You know, maybe it's more advanced or something." Right? Like, they might not have been like, "Sure, we're packing up and moving to London." But they might have said, "All right. What can we do? Maybe we add a class. How would that sound?" Right? So I feel like here's your daughter, and she's really into this idea of YouTube, right? And so does that mean that you have to say, "Sure, you can be public. You can do anything you want to on this channel, no problem, because I wanna support you"?

    14. M1

      No.

    15. SH

      No.

    16. M1

      That's too far.

    17. SH

      It's like too far, right? So if you think of it that way, like, okay, I'm not gonna just be like, "Sure," I'm, like, "I'm hiring a social media manager. You can do whatever you want to on here. Like, let's, we're all in." What's something, and maybe it is what you're currently doing, I have no idea. What's something you could do to support her in this stage of wanting to figure out what she's good at, her identity. She wants validation. She wants to feel like she belongs somewhere. Maybe, I don't know what she does. Maybe she's even practicing a little bit, like, her leadership skills, some vulnerability by, like, putting herself out there, right? I just listed, like, who knows, seven things that she's actively doing with this account. So, and I don't know where she's at, but do you feel good? Like, are you like, "Okay, if I think of it that way, I think we're good where we're at now," or, "Maybe we need to dial back a little bit, but I can still support her," or maybe there's, like, one more thing I could do to support her. Like, now that you think of it that way, with your role as a provider and a supporter at the very least, where do you, where would you assess yourself in where you're at with doing that?

  8. 18:20 – 21:20

    A practical start: lead with curiosity, then build monitoring systems

    1. M1

      I feel like we're at a pretty good point. I know, um, I just recently, honestly, like last week, was like, "All right. Show me, like, where do you find these ideas to get started?" Like, show me, like, 'cause I have no idea. And then, uh, how do you make a video off of that? So, uh, I just recently, personally, only me, myself, and nobody else who, you know, is worried about this, um, have had her show me, where do you find this stuff, and how do you do this, and that felt really very good. Um, she's supposed to show me everything before she posts it. I say supposed to. Um, I definitely have access to her account on my phone, and I check it all the time because, uh, well, I check my phone in general too much all the time. [laughs] Um, so there's a little bit of that boundary there, but it's not 100%. Sometimes she may post something without me seeing it. Um, she's actually-

    2. SH

      So let me... Can I pause you there?

    3. M1

      Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    4. SH

      Okay. I just heard you say two things, and they're both so important, and I really wanna underscore one of them. The first thing you did, which is what I would advise you and every single parent listening, is you led this with curiosity. Like, "Huh, okay. Show me. Where are you getting these ideas? Show me the videos you're doing." I cannot emphasize enough how much we need to do that for our kids. Takes a couple of minutes. It could take more than that, but a couple minutes, "Hey, show me. Show me, like, what are, what are you creating? What did you post?" Or, "What's in your drafts?" Or, "What are some of the ideas that you're thinking about?" Pure curiosity. And if in that process, let's say there's something that made you uncomfortable, right? You don't have to initially like, "Boom, we're shutting this down. Are you crazy? That's ridiculous. No way. I'd never want you to do that. Take those clothes off. You shouldn't be wearing that," whatever it is. But curiosity, "Huh, so tell me more about that." I love that you did that. I am really wanting to tell you, it is the very first step in this process, is just let's get curious, let me understand this more, what gets you excited. Great. You did that. The second thing that you're toying with that I want to really encourage you to think about is, I put, wrote down in my notes, monitoring. Right? You said, "Well, she's not supposed to post things without showing me. I'm supposed to see them first." And so that's probably the part that sounds like you're uneasy with. Like, if you're gonna let her do this, you have a role in this too.

    5. M1

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SH

      And being a monitor and having really clear boundaries and guidelines around this, I think is the key to even allow her doing whatever she's gonna do on there. So talk to me more about this monitoring piece and the wishy-washy, maybe she does, maybe she doesn't always show me.

  9. 21:20 – 22:13

    Reality check: 600 videos, 450 subscribers, and the consent problem

    1. M1

      Well, she already has over 600 videos posted, um, throughout the time she's been posting them. So, and she already has 450 subscribers, and I just said this was last week [laughs] that I really looked into it. Um, so that's part of the wishy-washy, because, like, wow, that's a lot of content and followers already for a 10-year-old. Um, and some of them are herself. Some of them are her with a friend. Did the friend's parents say that they can be on there? Do the friend's parents have any idea? What boundaries am I now breaking with them? And how do I get their permission? Do I need to get their permission? So that part is very tricky.

  10. 22:13 – 25:50

    Translate digital to real life: ‘Would you let her do this in person?’

    1. SH

      Okay. So let me make this less tricky for you. You're back in your room, and you're playing with your dolls, and you're doing your thing. And then, you know, it's like 11:00 at night, and just because you thought of it, you just are gonna walk right out the door, maybe even gonna jump out your window. And you're gonna go into town, and you're gonna start talking to a whole bunch of strangers, and you're gonna just, you know, be curious. And, like, you'll come home whenever you feel like it. Like, if you feel like coming home around 1:00 in the morning, it's fine. Like, you're 10. You're, you're fine. It's safe. It's safe, right? It's fine. And then you'll just come back, like, whenever you want. And you can tell your parents if you want to, but that's optional.

    2. M1

      [laughs]

    3. SH

      How do you think that would've gone over?

    4. M1

      Oh, my gosh. It's awful. It's awful.

    5. SH

      So here's where I want you when you're making decisions about, "Hmm, does she have too much, like, unmonitored freedom around here? Do I need to supervise this more? Holy cow, consent. Like, she, there's other kids in these v- " Uh, blah, blah, blah, right? All your questions. I want you to take that, and I want you to make it into a, some sort of real-life example like that. Like, I'm just gonna, you know, now I'm 12, and I'm sneaking out of the house, and I'm going to parties, and there's older people at these parties, there's whoever at these parties, and I come and go as I want. And I want you to think to yourself, like, "Would that have been okay for me, or would that be okay for my daughter? Is that the way I want my house to operate?"

    6. M1

      No, definitely not. That makes me sick just hearing it and thinking about it.

    7. SH

      Right. So when you think about 450 subscribers, my guess is of those, maybe she f- literally knows 20 of them? I don't know. Right? So let's say there's, like, 400-plus people that has, have access to her, and we don't have a clue who they are, where they are, how old they are. We don't know anything about them. And then there's 600 videos. So 600 videos, like, again, making it a real-life example, maybe that would be like, you know, she has She has 600 letters and phone calls and texts or something, and she's just, like, sending them anonymously to people. Like, there's just a bunch of... Right? She's just talking away, and she's just like, "Oh, I'll send one to you, and I'll send one to you, and I'll do all these things." Like, 'cause the video is her message delivery, right? It's the way she's communicating with her people. So if she was, like, talking to hundreds of people, let's say, all over the world in another way. I mean, she's- maybe she's on WhatsApp. Would you be okay with that?

    8. M1

      No.

    9. SH

      Every time you're confused, I want you to say to yourself, "Okay, what's an equivalent example of, like, what's happening here?" Like, I don't know what to do. W- what's an equivalent example? It sounds like you wouldn't be okay with her coming and going when she wants. You wouldn't be okay with her talking to, like, strangers. You wouldn't o- be okay with her, like, sneaking out behind your back.

    10. M1

      No.

    11. SH

      Right? And so it s- it sounds to me like she's doing the digital version of that, and what's happening is probably sometimes she thinks she might be, like, bending or breaking a rule. But it sounds like, for the most part, just the rules haven't been established.

    12. M1

      Yeah.

    13. SH

      She doesn't know the boundaries. You don't know the boundar- like, we're unclear about the boundaries, and that's why this is kinda freaking you out.

    14. M1

      Yeah.

  11. 25:50 – 29:07

    Why boundaries feel hard—especially with an only child—and why they matter

    1. SH

      How is boundary setting in general with her? How, how does that go for you? Or how are you with, like, even setting boundaries?

    2. M1

      I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and, uh, I don't know, maybe I've given an excuse since she's an only child, but it feels like the boundaries are even smaller because she's the only one I got.

    3. SH

      Mm-hmm. And so since she's the only one you got, boundaries maybe naturally aren't, like, exactly your thing, and also there's something about her being your, your only one that for you feels harder. Can you say more about that?

    4. M1

      Oh, I just feel like I wanna give her everything and make her world be as wonderful as it could be. And if her world becomes wonderful when she's a child because she's able to dream, then I want her to, to dream. People say dream big, but do they even mean it? And what age are you allowed to start dreaming at? Can you start dreaming when you're a kid?

    5. SH

      So much of our dreaming happens when we are a kid, and here's the difference. When we dream as a kid, that's exactly what it is, it's a dream. We can't do it all as a kid. We can dream it as a kid. We can dream big, and we can have people who support it, and we can maybe have steps toward it, right? The kid who's like, "I wanna be an actress in Hollywood." Like, amazing, but you don't usually go straight to Hollywood. Usually, you start at, like, your local play, right? And then maybe, like, you could get a play, you get a role in the middle school play and then the high school one, and maybe in the summers you take some theater camps, right? So in those cases, like, those families are absolutely allowing their kids to dream, and they're supporting their dreams without saying, "We're packing it up and going to Hollywood or London." And digitally, right now, right, doesn't seem like this is out of control yet, right? But it is, it, it, it just has no boundaries. So there's not even to say this is out of control 'cause I don't know what the speed limit is. So in a sense, I think one of the things that I hear you saying is, "I have to figure out a way to feel at peace with myself that I'm allowing my kid to dream, and I'm not stifling their dreams," and being able to have guardrails up, being able to set boundaries, and know that boundaries don't squash dreams. Boundaries keep them safe.

    6. M1

      That's good.

    7. SH

      Are you buying it?

    8. M1

      Yeah, I am. She does, she does do local stuff, too. She does, uh, I don't know, she's probably been in 10 live theater shows. I mean, she's all about all the things. Singing. She does dance. She has multiple dance classes. I mean, we are, we're busy all the time, and then she also has [laughs] this digital stuff as well. Um, and the stuff that is in person, it's able to have those boundaries. The class is from this time to this time on this day of the week, and it's over. And, um, those boundaries are, I guess, are already kind of in place by them being somewhere physical. And the extra time that she has is for YouTube and other various things, but, um-

  12. 29:07 – 34:34

    How to set limits with empathy (and prepare for pushback and secrecy)

    1. SH

      I love the idea that you say to her, right? And it's, it's not too late. If you're thinking that, like, "Oh my gosh, she already has 450 subscribers. There's already 600 videos out there." A click of a button, and all those videos can come down. They can become private. You can change, you know, who can follow her. There's, like, a lot of things you can do there. What I'm hearing is that you've come to the realization that this is growing bigger. You don't fully even understand it, and you're not sure if you're comfortable with it, right? And what I want you to really, like, let, let's say we- we're having this conversation now, and you make some changes, and you bring some things back, and you're not okay. I mean, some people will say, right, like, would you be okay with, like, 400 plus strangers just, like, peeking in on her every day while you guys were hanging out at home?

    2. M1

      No.

    3. SH

      Right? Like- [laughs] Would you be comfortable with, like, strangers, like, wanting, knocking at the door and being like, "Hey, I'm just coming by to say, like, you're so amazing. Keep dancing. Love what you're doing"?

    4. M1

      No.

    5. SH

      Right.

    6. M1

      She would love it, though.

    7. SH

      So... Sure, right?

    8. M1

      She would love it.

    9. SH

      Again, validation. I belong. Oh my gosh, I'm getting all these things. They feel so good. My dopamine is going crazy in my brain, and I want more of this. And then I need this adult- /parent to come in and say, "I love you. My job is to keep you safe, and right now, here are the ways that I'm so great with you expressing yourself." Maybe it's, "I'm really comfortable with you going to that dance class. I'm comfortable with you performing, you know, in our local town. I'm comfortable with you having a private account. I'm comfortable with you maybe dancing in a company," something like that. Whatever you're gonna say. "Here are the things that I'm comfortable with," right? And she might be like, [gasps] "Mom, what are you talking about? It's taken me a year to get these 450 subscribers." Like, and y- you, I think, really wanna maybe think about, like, what are you gonna say if there's pushback, if there's, "What? What do you mean? That's what I wanna do. You're getting in my way." Right? And how c- how can you, feeling like this is authentically from you with your words, with your intentions, say some version of, like, "I love you enough to, like, close this down a little bit right now because it's my job to keep you safe and to help you dream and make sure that we can do that in a way that everybody's comfortable with. You have to be comfortable, and I have to be comfortable."

    10. M1

      That's perfect. Can you come over?

    11. SH

      [laughs] You know what? You have this recording. You can listen to it. You can blame it on me. [laughs]

    12. M1

      No.

    13. SH

      Um, but it's really... Here's one thing I, I really almost wanna end with. I wanna say that when you're able to do something like this, and I use that line a lot, like, "I know. I love you enough to be the bad guy here," or, "I love you enough to have you be upset with me right now." It's really tough for me, girl. You know. You know I just adore you. It's me and you. You know, whatever. Like, you can do all of that. You can... Like, setting a boundary doesn't have to be like, "Because I said so." Like, "We're shutting that thing down 'cause I said so." Doesn't have to be that way. Like, it can be done with love and empathy and support. And at the end of the conversation, I want you to imagine that she's really upset with you, right? In that moment, she's really upset. She goes, "Get out of my room. You're the worst. You're ruining my life." Okay? And y- I want you to imagine that because it's probably as about as bad as it gets. And then I want you to imagine that you say, like, "I'm on your team. I'm on your side, and I'm gonna step out now 'cause I, I can see you're really upset, and I just want you to know that it, it's really hard to do this, but this is how much I love you, that I'm willing to have you be upset with me." Right? And you walk out, and you do what you have to do. You call somebody, whatever. You cry. You go take a bath, whatever it is. And then you keep the conversation going because I don't know what you were like as a teenager, but the equivalent to this could be, which happens, the kids are like, "Oh, you want me to shut down this account? I'll create another account." Basically, you are getting in my way of things. I'm gonna start lying to you because I'm really scared that if I told you the truth, that I really wanna keep doing this, that you're gonna get in my way. And so when you have your follow-up conversation, I don't... We- I always wanna set kids up for success. I want you to say, like, "I'm sure you thought about a lot of things last night when you were really upset. Maybe you even thought about, like, creating another account or doing some stuff, like, behind my back. And let's talk about how we're gonna do that differently." Right? So that's a way. It's a very common just child, teen reaction. "You told me no. I'm gonna figure out my yes." Right? And so you just gently predict that. Like, "You might have thought that." Even if she's like, "I didn't think about that. I wouldn't do that," or something like that. "Great. Great. It would be normal if you did, though. So just in case, just in case you thought about that, here's how we're gonna build trust around this, and here's where we're gonna get comfortable even ever going back to having a public account, whatever you decide."

  13. 34:34 – 37:22

    Resolving the conflict: live-theater safety vs anonymous online audiences

    1. M1

      I feel so conflicted still. I just... Ugh, it makes her so happy, but, uh, seeing strangers watch her makes me feel uncomfortable. Seeing strangers watch her at the live theater doesn't make me uncomfortable at all.

    2. SH

      Why doesn't it make you feel uncomfortable in the live theater?

    3. M1

      I guess they're all personally invited and chose to attend.

    4. SH

      Right. It's an in real-life experience with a group of kids, with parents who consented, with safe adults that are around to protect them, right? With technically prob- yeah, tickets or if you don't know, you know, Grandpa sitting three, you know, seats down, you know the person whose grandfather it is or something like that, right?

    5. M1

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SH

      These 450 people, again, probably 400-plus of them, nobody knows. We don't even know that their screen name is, like, anything close to r- their real name or how old they are, what gender they are, what country they live in, what they're doing with the videos of your kids that they have access to. And I really want you to let that soak in. This isn't watching a live performance. This is, I guess, somebody sneaking in to watch her live performance in your town, videoing the whole thing, and deciding whatever they want to to do with it after. Right? Every time you say the words, "I feel conflicted," make it a real-life example. Make it IRL, right? That is the real-life example. Somebody who you're not sure about sneaks in, and they're sitting there like this, recording your daughter perform. And then they just sneak out and leave.

    7. M1

      That's creepy.

    8. SH

      Mm-hmm. So I know you probably are like, "But I want you to tell me yes or no. Do I shut this thing down or not?" [laughs]

    9. M1

      A lot of her videos are not of her too, personally. Like- But she does Dress to Impress on Roblox, and she loves to create these videos of these characters, and it's absolutely insane how she can edit these videos, and she's

    10. SH

      Oh, Lanae, I like the way you're thinking. I really like the way you're thinking. You're like, "Okay, maybe she could have a public account if she never shows her face. Maybe I'd be okay with that, and maybe as long as, like, her information online is private." Mm, like, everything about this is fantasy, right? She's, like, Rainbows123, whatever her screen name is, right? I like the way you're thinking. The

  14. 37:22 – 38:54

    Closing message: the ‘middle space’ and building identity beyond being watched

    1. SH

      world I grew up in is not the same one our kids are growing up in, especially right now. When something feels unfamiliar or even scary, it's easy to move quickly into shutting it down or feeling like we have to allow it because this is just how things are now. But there's actually a middle space, a space where you can stay connected to your child's dreams while still creating boundaries that protect them. This isn't really just about YouTube. It's about helping our kids build an identity that doesn't just depend on being watched, liked, or approved of. That's how we do everything at Good Inside. Our approach for raising tweens and teens addresses today's challenges and builds lifelong skills, and every day, I'm helping members of the Good Inside community navigate issues just like these. You can learn more at goodinside.com. Let's end by zooming way out. Deep breath. This in-between time feels like a lot because it is a lot. If you remember one thing, let it be this: They act like they don't need you. They still need you. I'll see you next week. [outro music]

Episode duration: 39:02

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