Yes, One-Year-Olds Have Tantrums

1. 0:00 – 1:01

   Good Inside Membership: expert-guided parenting resources and community

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022 parents still search on Google for answers from strangers? Well, now there's a better way. Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics, and it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership. Hi, I'm

2. 1:01 – 1:31

   Dr. Becky’s mission and the ‘good inside’ parenting lens

   1. BEDr. Becky1:01

      Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available

3. 1:31 – 3:12

   Why the one-year-old stage can be harder than the ‘terrible twos’

   1. BEDr. Becky1:31

      to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today, we'll be talking about the challenges of one-year-olds. I don't know about you, but I was very surprised by how challenging it was for me when my kids were in that one-year-old stage. I was so ready for the terrible twos. I was ready for everything that happened, and I actually found the one to two-year-old year much harder than the two to three-year-old year, especially for two of my kids. One-year-olds are really complicated. They're not babies. They don't feel like full-on toddlers, and they sometimes feel like they themselves are conflicted about what exactly is going on for them. Am I crying? Am I learning to walk? Am I learning some words? Am I melting down? There's so much development that's happening, and as a result, there's just so much mess at that time. There are tantrums that start. There are meltdowns. And the more prepared we are for that phase, the more we know to expect some challenges, some boundary pushing, definitely some tantrums, the more grounded we can be when those moments arise. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller, Elsa. [phone ringing]

4. 3:12 – 4:27

   Caller Elsa: ‘Naughty’ one-year-old behaviors like throwing food

   1. SPSpeaker3:12

      Hi, Dr. Becky. Uh, my name is Elsa, and I have a one-year-old daughter, Kay. Um, we live in New Hampshire, and Kay is really starting to gain some independence, exploring and engaging more socially back and forth with me and my husband, which is great. But it can also be a little tough because the things she's doing can be sort of naughty, like throwing food on the ground from her high chair over and over, things like that. [chuckles] I guess I'm struggling to figure out how to respond to her at this age when she's doing something I don't want her to do. Am I supposed to ignore it or teach her it's wrong or be very firm with her? I'm just feeling a little bit unsure. It's frustrating. So I'm just hoping you might be able to give me some guidance on handling these moments, uh, when she's so little.

   2. BEDr. Becky3:57

      Hi, Elsa. Thank you so much for calling in and raising what I think is something so many of us struggle with when we have young kids, where we get to the stage our kid is about one. And I remember that stage for me, thinking, "Wait a second. Nobody prepared me for a one-year-old being kind of challenging. I've heard of the terrible twos, but I'm one year away from that. What is going on? My kid is throwing food off their high chair. My kid is opening

5. 4:27 – 5:59

   Reframing boundary testing as healthy learning (not defiance)

   1. BEDr. Becky4:27

      cabinets even after I say no. My kid is knocking down towers that belong to another child," and I wasn't ready for that. And so I'm so glad you're bringing this to our attention. A couple things. Number one, it is normal, I'd even go further, it is healthy for a one-year-old to be testing limits and boundaries. If you actually imagine a boundary and you imagine a child pushing against it, they're actually trying to expand their world, right? Kids' jobs are to learn. They're trying to figure out what happens if I do this? What happens when I try this? Will the answer be the same tomorrow? What about when I do this in the morning? What about when I do this with my mom? What about when I do this with my grandma? They're trying to get as much data as possible, and how do we get more data? By expanding our world. And how do kids expand their world? By pushing against our limits. Now, that's not to say our job is to give no limits. We actually need to hold boundaries, especially when there's danger involved, and we have to accept that our kids are going to push those boundaries. I know that sounds paradoxical, so let's think about that another way. My job as a parent is in part to hold boundaries, to keep my kids safe, and to help my kids make good decisions. On the other side, my kid's job is to push boundaries, kind of learn about what's okay, and to do that type of thing over and over and over again to collect enough data

6. 5:59 – 7:59

   Why one-year-olds throw food: curiosity, cause-and-effect, and gravity

   1. BEDr. Becky5:59

      to make a conclusion. How does this relate to throwing food? Why do kids throw food off the table? Well, there's so many reasons. Number one, we have to appreciate that one-year-olds don't understand gravity the way we understand gravity. Actually picture yourself doing the reverse. Picture yourself sitting and taking a piece of bread and throwing it up in the air and watching it stick to the ceiling or just hang midair. Now, I don't know about you, Elsa, but if someone said to me, "Becky, do not do that again. We do not throw bread in the air," there is literally no way I wouldn't do it again. I'd be like, "One second. How did that just happen? I had it in my hand. I threw it up. Now it's stuck. That was amazing. Someone's telling me no, but I'm pretty curious. I'm gonna try it again." And then instead of bread, if I had a carrot, I would try it. And then the next day, I think you and I, Elsa, both would say, "Okay, that was a weird day. Is this gonna happen again?" If someone else looked at me and said, "You are being defiant," I think I'd wanna say back, "Wait, this is not about defiance, actually. This has nothing to do with you. I'm just exploring and trying to figure something out." Our kids are learning about cause and effect. A one-year-old is learning, "I have power in the world. I can take something, grab it, put it off my plate, let go of it, and something happens. It even makes a sound. It plops." And maybe even they learn, "Ooh, and when I do that, people get upset with me." They're not doing this to be sadistic. They're truly doing this to learn about what happens in the world. And so when we look at a one-year-old through the lens of they finally have enough agency to be active participants in their learning, we have a lot more patience and empathy for what's really happening, and we can look at what they're doing from a generous perspective instead of through the lens of judgment. Now, what's our role? Am I saying we should just let our kids throw food everywhere? No, but I do think some amount of tolerating that is important before we then firmly set the boundary.

7. 7:59 – 10:22

   Warm-but-firm boundaries: narrate the learning and redirect appropriately

   1. BEDr. Becky7:59

      Here's what that might sound like. "Okay, you moved your cereal off. You let it go. It fell to the table. When we let things go, they fall down, down, down. They hit the floor, floor, floor. That is so fun. Here's the thing. I'm not gonna let you throw the food off the table. Food is for staying on your plate or putting in your mouth. If you want to throw and watch things drop, we can..." And then fill in the blank. We can go over here to the playroom and drop some balls. We can throw some soft pillows, right? I am watching my child develop and want to learn and giving options for how to do that learning while also holding a boundary around the specific behavior around food because I'm not going to let my child throw every piece of their dinner onto the floor. What's key, though, is the next time. We have to remember that our kid's gonna do it again. They're not trying to get under our skin. They're not trying to annoy us. They're trying to learn. So before you get to the table, I might say to your child, "Ooh, let's throw, throw, throw before we sit down. Let's throw this," whatever you have. "Let's throw this stuffed animal. Let's throw these, you know, tissues," whatever it is. "Let's get all the throwing out of our fingers, out, out, out. Ooh, everything goes down to the floor. When we sit in your high chair, I'm going to give you one piece of food at a time. And if it's hard for you to keep the food on your plate or put it in your mouth, I'm gonna help you with that by..." And then you could give a couple options. I could help feed you. I could give you a break from the chair. Or maybe you're telling me that's when you're done with your meal, and then I'll take you out, and then we'll go play. So here's the big idea. One-year-olds are trying to learn. They're not trying to get under our skin. So we wanna help them learn. We wanna normalize their pushing of boundaries and give them a safe environment to learn in. When it comes to their attempts to learn in situations where we actually want them to learn other behaviors, remind yourself they're not going to stop doing it. They don't have the capacity to inhibit those urges. It's really our job as a parent to set a warm but firm boundary and follow through. [instrumental music] And now our second caller, Lauren.

   2. SPSpeaker10:21

      [phone ringing]

8. 10:22 – 11:21

   Caller Lauren: safety boundaries when a 12-month-old tantrums

   1. SPSpeaker10:22

      Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Lauren, and I live in Fountain Valley, California. I have a twelve-month-old son. He is already throwing what I would call tantrums, and that's fine. But when the situation is one where it would be dangerous for him, I don't know how to cope [laughs] when he freaks out and he wants something that would be dangerous for him to have. If I take it away, um, he freaks out, cries, screams, yells. So any tips on if a one-year-old or a twelve-month-old even can have a tantrum and, um, when they're not communicating. He only says a few words, you know, mama, dada, ball, et cetera. So, um, how we can get through these tantrums [laughs] when, um, I have to put my foot down when it's something for safety.

9. 11:21 – 12:53

   Why tantrums show up early: big feelings + little language

   1. BEDr. Becky11:21

      Hi, Lauren. Thank you for sharing what's going on inside your house. And let me assure you, this is very similar to what went on in my house when I had a one-year-old. One-year-olds have tantrums. I think we're all so prepared for the tantrum stage when our kids are approaching two, but I don't know where we all got that idea from because those months, those ten and a half months, eleven months, twelve months, thirteen months, that stage is full of tantrums. Actually, if we zoom out, what helps our kids have fewer tantrums is building up skills to manage the difficult emotions that are so overwhelming in childhood. And one of the things two-year-olds have that one-year-olds don't have is some amount of language. So that by the time your child can say, "I'm mad, mad, mad," or, "Want it, want it, want it," they might be upset, but they're less likely to have the same massive tantrum because they can start connecting their words and verbal expression to the emotional experience in their body. A one-year-old cannot do that. A one-year-old is pure somatic sensation. So these huge tantrums, these flails, these cries, these screams, totally normal that they start happening at around 12 months. There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with your kid. Your kid is actually doing what's developmentally appropriate.

10. 12:53 – 17:26

    Family jobs framework: safety/containment first, then connection/validation

    1. BEDr. Becky12:53

       It's just pretty inconvenient and exhausting to go through those moments as a parent. What can we do when we have to take sharp scissors away from a twelve-month-old? When we have to tell a twelve-month-old, "Ooh, you cannot use that serrated knife," right? There's real things they can't do, but a child can't express themself. They can't say, "That's not fair." They can't say anything. They are just in a state of dysregulation. Let's ground ourselves in the idea of family jobs because this always gives me kind of the foundation I need, and it gives me the answer usually to this question of: What can we do? What is our job? Our job is to keep our kids safe through boundaries and making good decisions and to empathize with and validate our kids' feelings. Okay, two sets of jobs, safety through boundaries and then kind of connection through empathy and validation. In these moments, we start with the boundary or some form of containment. So let's say your child has a knife in his hand and you have to take it out, or he's moving toward a knife, or he just wants it. "I won't let you have that knife." That's a boundary. And then maybe I'd put my body between my child and the knife, or scissors are in my child's hand. "Ooh, I won't let you have those scissors." Now, yes, this is going to lead to your child crying more, having a larger expression of their internal experience. This is what's key. Our job is not to control our kids' expression. A good job by a parent is not rewarded by a calm, grounded experience by a child. It doesn't work that way. We're two independent people. So we keep our kids safe. Our child likely has a lot to say about this. Your child's way of saying things right now is like any one-year-old, through screaming and crying. Now we do the second part of our job, connection, and this is where we usually have to do so much less than we think. This is where less is more. I wanna model a couple ways of doing connection in this moment. The first is doing this after I've made sure my child is safe. [sighs] "I know." That's it. "I know." Here's another way. "Oh, you wish you could have those scissors. You really wish you could have those scissors." My child is flailing because they want that serrated knife. I've made sure they're safe, and I say, "I'm here. I love you." My words are really simple. I've taken a deep breath. I've used the phrase, "You wish." I've said, "I'm here. I love you." Maybe I say something else like, "Oh, we're gonna get through this. Let all those feelings out. It's so hard not to have something you want." And what I hope you hear, Lauren, is my tone, my inflection, my warmth. I've set the boundary, so my kid's safe. Now I'm just trying to be there with my child as they go through this wave of disappointment or frustration. My job isn't to end the disappointment. My job isn't to convince my child they are being illogical. "Oh, come on. That's a knife. Of course you can't have it." No. I've set the boundary. That's part one of my job, to keep my child safe. Now I'm doing part two, which is my presence. I'm being present. I'm connecting. I'm offering validation. This is actually how our kids learn emotion regulation. And yes, they're learning it at age one, even though they can't give words back. Why? Because their body experiences this. My parent contains me to make sure I'm safe, and then within that container, my parent offers connection and validation. This is how eventually kids learn to calm themselves down. They learn to contain themselves and put up a boundary and then speak to themselves kindly to calm themselves down. So remember that kind of formula. Safety first. Yes, your child might escalate. That's your child's body, not yours. Now your job is to be present, keep your own body calm, and connect through validation and empathy. [gentle music] Let's hear from our final caller, Sam. [phone ringing]

11. 17:26 – 18:52

    Caller Sam: whining and ‘attention crying’ at 14 months

    1. SPSpeaker17:26

       Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Sam. I live in Jersey City, New Jersey, and my daughter is fourteen months. She, um, has just changed and shifted to a new emotional state where she's started to whine when she doesn't get what she wants and cry for attention. She's usually a very happy baby and is, is really great with other people, but when we're not paying attention to her, she really just, like, starts to wail. It'll go away. It's not-- She's not in pain. She's not hungry. She's not tired. It's not anything big. I know she is having trouble communicating what her needs are, but I'm having trouble because, you know, I'll talk to her, but she's not really rational. Of course, she's fourteen months and doesn't really understand what I'm saying. So I am wondering what I can do in the moment or how can I train her to have a different reaction to not getting what she wants or, um, for asking what she wants. Thank you very much.

    2. BEDr. Becky18:21

       Hi, Sam. I really appreciate you sharing your concerns here, and I think there's so many of us who are wondering the same thing. What can I expect from my young toddler? What is developmentally appropriate for a fourteen-month-old? And if a about one-year-old is struggling with something, I know I can't sit across from the table and discuss it with them, so what are my options? So first things first, it

12. 18:52 – 21:24

    Connection-seeking (not manipulation): validate needs even when you can’t meet them

    1. BEDr. Becky18:52

       is normal for fourteen-month-olds to use tears as a way of communicating. Tears are a way of saying, "I'm not happy about something. I'm uncomfortable. I want something, and I'm not getting it." Screams, tears, these are our baby's way of telling us, "I need something." Now, another thing to remember is recognizing a need is totally different from fulfilling a need, and so often we collapse the two. We think, "I can't fulfill that need. I'm cooking. I can't give my baby what they want." And we forget, wait, I can recognize and see and validate the need even if I don't meet the need. That's key. So your baby's crying, and you say your baby's crying for attention. Now, this might be true. I think often we think of attention-seeking with such negativity, and it's slightly softer to think of connection-seeking. I think that's often a reframe we can make. We're all connection-seeking when we want something, and we don't have it, and it's actually evolutionarily adaptive for a baby to be connection-seeking because they get all of their needs met through their attachment with us. So I'm doing something. I'm cooking. I'm sitting. I need a little break, and my child is connection-seeking through screaming and crying. If I can't meet their need, meaning I can't pick them up right now and, you know, kind of hold them, how can I see the need? I can't meet it. How can I see it? That might mean sitting on the couch and saying, "Oh, you wish I could pick you up right now. Oh, I'm right here. You hear my voice. Mommy needs a few more deep breaths. It's so hard to wait." And then I take my deep breaths, or I finish writing my email, or I have a couple sips of my coffee while it's still hot, whatever I have for those few moments of somewhat close to zen, and then I'm able to meet my child's needs. My kid's not trying to manipulate me. My kid's not trying to get something out of me. My kid is trying to communicate in the only way they have available to them, which

13. 21:24 – 23:27

    Shift from ‘get my child to…’ toward regulating yourself to change the system

    1. BEDr. Becky21:24

       is through non-verbal expression. There's one other thing I wanted to respond to, and I think it's a larger point, and it's really empowering when we make the following reframe. Whenever we ask ourselves, "How can I get my child to blank? How can I get my child to express themselves differently?" Or, "How can I get my child to stop crying?" Or this happens with older kids, too. "How can I get my child to talk to me in a more respectful way? How can I get my child to clean their room?" It's really important to note that we're in get my child mode. We can't ever get anyone to do anything differently than they're doing. But that, to me, isn't hopeless because we can turn things around. And almost always when we say, "How can I get my kid to blank?" We can instead ask ourselves, "Huh, how can I focus on my own reaction when my child does this thing so I show up in a way that feels good to me?" So instead of, "How can I get my child to stop whining for me?" I could say, "When my child looks for connection through tears and screams, what goes on for me? What gets evoked? And what can I work on to show up in a way that I'm proud of?" My child's behavior is independent. And interestingly enough, my child and I exist in a system together, and the more I focus on shifting things a little bit in myself, my child's naturally going to change because the system has changed. And so think about a deep breath. Think about a mantra for you. It might be, "I don't need to meet this need right away. I can still see it." It might be, "There's not an emergency. My child is upset. I'll get through this." And my guess, Sam, is as you start to regulate yourself when your child is dysregulated, you'll notice your child changes as well. [gentle music] Let's

14. 23:27 – 26:32

    Three takeaways and closing: normalize the phase, validate without fixing, use ‘I won’t let you’

    1. BEDr. Becky23:27

       tie it all together with three takeaways. One, the one-year-old phase is tough. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There's so much development that's happening, and so kids are much more active participants in their environment. This is really exciting and also really challenging because there are moments of wanting and not having, moments of boundary violations, moments of whining for your connection. Remind yourself this is normal. Two, we can see and validate a need without meeting it. We can't always pick up a child. We can't always get down to play. We can name what's happening for a child or describe the frustration of not getting what they want. This means saying things like, "I know, you want me right there with you," or, "Waiting is so hard for me, too." Three, always go back to family jobs. A parent's job is to provide safety through containment and boundaries, and to provide connection through validation and empathy. I love the words, "I won't let you," as a way of establishing safety, and then I love using our presence to connect to the underlying emotions. For example, "I won't let you throw these blocks. I know. I'm right here with you. We'll get through this together." Now remember, these aren't magic words, and they don't stop a tantrum from continuing, but your job isn't to end the tantrum. It's to be with your child through the tantrum. [gentle music] Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At goodinside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider, my weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, drbeckyatgoodinside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Rowe and Brad Gage, and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members, and to bond and connect with fellow cycle breakers. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. [gentle music]

Episode duration: 26:53