#1 CONFIDENCE Coach: The hidden secret that has been holding you back from being CONFIDENT...

1. 0:00 – 4:21

   Intro

   1. JSJay Shetty0:18

      [intro music] How do you define the word confidence?

   2. RNRoxie Nafousi0:30

      So I think there's so many different ways to define confidence, and I think for me, confidence is ultimately about self-worth. It's about knowing that you are enough exactly as you are. And I think what confidence isn't, and the way I don't define it, is as being an extrovert. So a lot of people think that if you are confident, it must mean that you're comfortable being loud or you're charismatic, and you kind of think that that's what it's about. Um, but for me, that's not it at all. You know, I think confidence is grounding. It's quiet. It's stable. Um, and one of my favorite definitions of confidence is that confidence is about being able to walk into any room unapologetically yourself and walk out of it not worrying what everyone else thought of you.

   3. JSJay Shetty1:19

      Mm.

   4. RNRoxie Nafousi1:19

      And I think when you can get to that place, that's when you know you've reached it.

   5. JSJay Shetty1:24

      I like that definition. That's such a brilliant way of putting it because I think we are all overthinking before we walk into a room, "What's everyone gonna think of me?"

   6. RNRoxie Nafousi1:32

      Yeah.

   7. JSJay Shetty1:32

      And then we walk out, we're all thinking, "What did they think of me?"

   8. RNRoxie Nafousi1:35

      [laughs] Absolutely.

   9. JSJay Shetty1:36

      And then you spend the whole car journey home wondering-

   10. RNRoxie Nafousi1:38

       [laughs]

   11. JSJay Shetty1:38

       ... everything you did and whether someone saw you drop your spoon or-

   12. RNRoxie Nafousi1:42

       Mm

   13. JSJay Shetty1:42

       ... spill a bit of wine or drop some food or whatever it may be, right?

   14. RNRoxie Nafousi1:46

       Yeah.

   15. JSJay Shetty1:46

       You're overanalyzing every moment.

   16. RNRoxie Nafousi1:48

       Mm.

   17. JSJay Shetty1:48

       And you're wondering, "Well, does that, do they think I'm smart? Do they think I'm clever? Do they think I'm interesting?"

   18. RNRoxie Nafousi1:53

       Yeah.

   19. JSJay Shetty1:53

       "Do they think I'm boring?" One thing you said was really interesting to me, and I wanna kind of go down that road, is how do introverts and extroverts demonstrate confidence differently? Or does it even look different?

   20. RNRoxie Nafousi2:06

       I think that, I suppose, I mean, I've never considered that before, but I think that extroverts probably, they feel most comfortable when they can be social, when they can, um, you know, make people feel comfortable in their space, make them feel seen, heard. They're good at conversation. Um, you know, getting a group together and, you know, and, and they just feel good in that environment. I think for an introvert, it doesn't mean they, it's, it's really about having a, like I said those words before, that quiet, grounded confidence. So you don't need to be the loudest in the room because you don't ne- you're not trying to prove yourself, and that's the really, confidence isn't about proving yourself. It's about knowing you're enough, um, and not needing anyone else to kind of validate that for you.

   21. JSJay Shetty2:56

       Yeah. Why, why is it that we, it feels so obvious. Like, is there a healthy pursuit of validation, or is validation all bad?

   22. RNRoxie Nafousi3:06

       I think that some- look, it's impossible to really think that we're not going to want any validation at all. [laughs] Like, of course we do, and I think that we should need some because we need to be, like, upstanding members of society and respect other people, and a- also helps to, um, encourage us to strive to be better, to be better in, as people, as individuals, in our careers, in our relationships. You know, so it is important to motivate us to be the best that we can be, which is great. But I think the problem is, is where validation... Well, look, let's say that, let's start with this. Evolutionary, we needed to belong, we, s- to be part, to survive in a tribe, right? And so it was really important for us to be liked by other people or to, you know, to be part of something. What's happened in the modern day is we've taken that kind of, like, evolutionary need to belong, but instead of it being kind of important for our survival, it's now how we determine how enough we are or the, or the measuring stick of which we kind of measure our worth. And so I think that, you know, yes, we do need some validation

2. 4:21 – 8:25

   Is External Validation Ever Healthy?

   1. RNRoxie Nafousi4:21

      to keep us growing, but we've just taken it so far that now other people's opinions matter more to us, um, than our own.

   2. JSJay Shetty4:29

      Yeah, and I think you're so right that that, that switch has gone from being, "Does my class think my trainers or my sneakers are cool?"

   3. RNRoxie Nafousi4:40

      Mm.

   4. JSJay Shetty4:41

      To now everything's broadcast to the whole world.

   5. RNRoxie Nafousi4:44

      Mm.

   6. JSJay Shetty4:44

      And it's measured, so you got 10 likes on a post, and someone got 20, and someone got 20 million, and someone got 20,000. And so you're so right that now that validation has become a matter of worth-

   7. RNRoxie Nafousi4:57

      Mm

   8. JSJay Shetty4:57

      ... net worth as well-

   9. RNRoxie Nafousi4:58

      Mm

   10. JSJay Shetty4:58

       ... and indicative of how much attention you get, whereas before, you're in your classroom or even your tribe-

   11. RNRoxie Nafousi5:04

       Yeah

   12. JSJay Shetty5:05

       ... and you're like, "Yeah, if I've got 20 people that are generally okay with me-

   13. RNRoxie Nafousi5:08

       Mm

   14. JSJay Shetty5:08

       ... I'm fine."

   15. RNRoxie Nafousi5:09

       The problem with it as well is it changes our self-perception. So-

   16. JSJay Shetty5:13

       Talk to me about that

   17. RNRoxie Nafousi5:14

       ... let's say that, I know you love that quote 'cause I love it too, the, um, "I am not who I think I am. I'm not who you think I am. I'm who I think you think I am." And I kind of explain it like this, so I ha- I was sort of sat next to someone at a dinner once, and she was an influencer. And she said, "You know, sometimes I'll post something that I really love on Instagram, and it doesn't get any likes, and then I think that that post is terrible." So you start with, let's say you have a picture that you love of your family, and you think, "This is such a beautiful picture. I love it." And then you post it, and it doesn't get that measure of like that you are expecting. So it gets 10 likes, let's say, and that for you doesn't feel enough. And then instead of you thinking, "Okay, that just, maybe not many people saw it today. Maybe it was the algorithm," you actually start to question your own decision. "Why did I post that? Was it even a good photo?" And so actually, instead of thinking that it'sAnd about anything else or there's any other reason for it, you change your own perception of yourself or your own opinion of yourself. And so I think that's where it's really damaging, is that, um, yeah, we don't just look for external validation to guide us, we look for it to tell us what we should think about ourselves.

   18. JSJay Shetty6:30

       Yeah. That's, that's so good and, and you made me think about how we all post that caption of, "Felt cute, might delete later."

   19. RNRoxie Nafousi6:36

       Yeah. [laughs]

   20. JSJay Shetty6:37

       And it's like that idea of like, I felt I looked cute-

   21. RNRoxie Nafousi6:40

       Yeah

   22. JSJay Shetty6:40

       ... so I posted this.

   23. RNRoxie Nafousi6:41

       Yes.

   24. JSJay Shetty6:42

       And now I'm gonna see if everyone else felt I looked cute.

   25. RNRoxie Nafousi6:45

       Yes. [laughs]

   26. JSJay Shetty6:45

       And if they don't, I might delete it later, and that's that mindset that you're saying-

   27. RNRoxie Nafousi6:48

       Mm-hmm

   28. JSJay Shetty6:48

       ... where it's like, oh, no, but I thought I looked really good here-

   29. RNRoxie Nafousi6:50

       Yeah

   30. JSJay Shetty6:51

       ... and I wanted to share that, and now you're so right, now you're making me feel like I don't-
3. 8:25 – 10:57

   A 7-Step Path to Rebuilding Confidence

   1. RNRoxie Nafousi8:25

      own, you know, they're starting their own business, whatever area of their life it is, usually the reason they're not fulfilling their potential or growing in the way that they want to is, is because of a lack of confidence.

   2. JSJay Shetty8:38

      Mm.

   3. RNRoxie Nafousi8:38

      And what I always think is really interesting with confidence is that we always assume, if we were sat in a group of, uh, people, we would always assume that the person sat next to us was free of it.

   4. JSJay Shetty8:48

      Mm.

   5. RNRoxie Nafousi8:48

      That they are so confident. We don't see their self-doubt, we don't see their insecurity. But actually, when I do my live shows and I say, you know, to an audience of thousands of people, and I'll say, "Who here can honestly say they are completely free from self-doubt, insecurity, or, um, feelings of low self-worth?" Not one person will raise their hand. And so you really start to understand that this lack of confidence is a universal experience. It's something that actually binds us all. And I think there's so much vulnerability and connection to be found in kind of sharing it a bit more with each other and being more open about it, and it's also so comforting because we remember that, you know, we are not seeing what other people are going through mentally.

   6. JSJay Shetty9:33

      Do you feel that there's a difference between men and women and how they experience confidence?

   7. RNRoxie Nafousi9:39

      Do you know, I, I th- I think that women have more pressures, and so I think they c- we can assume that it's much harder for women to feel confident. But I think it's harder for men to express it. And so I also really feel for men because I think as a group of women, it's much easier for us to go to each other and say, "Oh, God, I feel so gross today," or, um, "Oh, God, you know, I really fucked up in that meeting," or whatever, and I think we give each other more like therapy, whereas I th- I assume, and I'm, you know, uh, generalizing here, but men aren't as good as open up- opening up to each other about their insecurities, you know, uh, is my opinion.

   8. JSJay Shetty10:24

      Yeah, no, I- it- it's a really interesting thing to think about, and I think that's a really, like, interesting observation.

   9. RNRoxie Nafousi10:30

      Mm.

   10. JSJay Shetty10:31

       Because I, I wouldn't say you're wrong. I think when my male friends, and obviously because of my work and who I am, I guess more men and me do have those types of conversations-

   11. RNRoxie Nafousi10:41

       Yeah

   12. JSJay Shetty10:41

       ... but in general, even when I have my male friends being really open about something, it's hard. Like, it comes with a very, like, this is a big thing, whereas I assume, as you're saying, like when-

   13. RNRoxie Nafousi10:52

       Yeah

   14. JSJay Shetty10:52

       ... you're talking, it's just chitchat and it's how you feel.

   15. RNRoxie Nafousi10:54

       Yes.

   16. JSJay Shetty10:54

       Whereas this is like, "Hey, I've got something to tell you."

   17. RNRoxie Nafousi10:56

       Yeah.

4. 10:57 – 12:29

   How Men and Women Show Confidence Differently

   1. JSJay Shetty10:57

      And then it's a moment of, this is what I've been struggling with.

   2. RNRoxie Nafousi11:00

      Yeah.

   3. JSJay Shetty11:00

      And yeah, it feels a lot heavier, and therefore it feels a lot heavier to that person-

   4. RNRoxie Nafousi11:04

      Mm-hmm

   5. JSJay Shetty11:04

      ... in one sense as well. Your first chapter's called Master Your Thoughts.

   6. RNRoxie Nafousi11:08

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty11:08

      You write, "Your mind can be your home or your prison. You get to choose which."

   8. RNRoxie Nafousi11:13

      Mm.

   9. JSJay Shetty11:14

      Talk to me about how your mind can be a home or a prison.

   10. RNRoxie Nafousi11:17

       When we really think about what are the barriers to confidence, um, our inner critic, I think everyone would agree, is the biggest one. And I think that what I've really come to understand is how powerful our thoughts are, and that our thoughts really do shape our reality. And the reason for this is because thoughts become beliefs when they're repeated so many times.And what we believe about ourselves determines our whole experience of the world because it becomes the filter through which you view everything, every interaction, every experience. Um, everything is filtered through what you believe about yourself and the world, um, and then interpreted. And so for a really clear example of this would be, let's say that you were to hold a belief that you are naturally not good with people. Um, you're, you have a belief that you're boring. Perhaps you had a belief that you were bad at making friends. You then go to a dinner party, and you meet someone new for the first time, and because you hold this belief, the way that you interpret this person's social cues, whether

5. 12:29 – 17:19

   Mastering the Thoughts That Shape Your Reality

   1. RNRoxie Nafousi12:29

      they, uh... You might really focus on the fact that they look over your shoulder. Uh, you may notice the fact that they didn't ask you a question, but you really focus on the fact that they just talked about themselves. Um, and then you might really make the fact that they walked away to talk to someone else feel like this really big deal. And as a result of the fact that you're viewing it through this lens of, "I know I'm not good with people, I'm not good at making new friends," what happens is you're focusing on the wrong cues, and then you likely become a bit defensive. And then you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Um, whereas if somebody had a belief like, "Oh, I'm really good with people. I l- I, I'm great, I'm charismatic. People generally tend to like me," you're gonna have the exact same interaction. You won't notice any of those cues. You won't misinterpret maybe a neutral expression as disinterest. And so you're probably gonna respond in a more positive way to that person and be more open, and then you'll create a, a, reinforce that belief in yourself. And so this is happening all the time in our, in our lives, and it's a lot easier for our brains to actually just find evidence to support what we already believe rather than kind of find conflicting evidence and then have a new way of thinking.

   2. JSJay Shetty13:41

      Yes.

   3. RNRoxie Nafousi13:42

      And so our minds really are keeping us stuck in these like patterns. And I describe it like this in the book. Imagine that you're a comedian on stage, and you're on stage, and you're giving your set, and the audience are booing you. They're like, "Get off the stage," and essentially they're heckling you. Now, that comedian on stage, um, is never gonna be able to give their best performance, right? Because they're gonna feel self-conscious. They're gonna feel, uh, nervous. They're gonna be overthinking everything that's coming out their mouth. And so it's not gonna be as relaxed. They might stumble on their words. Um, but if they were to go out and give the same set, and the audience was there cheering them, like laughing, they are gonna be so much more likely to give, to deliver their best. Their jokes are gonna be funnier. They're gonna remember things. You know, it's, it's gonna be a fantastic show. Now, in our lives day to day, we are heckling ourselves.

   4. JSJay Shetty14:42

      Mm.

   5. RNRoxie Nafousi14:43

      And so how do we expect ourselves to be able to put our best foot forward? And so it's really about understanding that our thoughts, which are then forming our beliefs, are having so much influence over not only how we feel but who we become and, and, you know, our whole lives. And so being able to master your thoughts, um, really is the kind of like first of these eight steps to knowing your worth.

   6. JSJay Shetty15:09

      That heckle-

   7. RNRoxie Nafousi15:11

      Mm

   8. JSJay Shetty15:11

      ... is so real.

   9. RNRoxie Nafousi15:12

      Yeah. [laughs]

   10. JSJay Shetty15:12

       And it happens from the moment you wake up. Like, you wake up, and you look in the mirror, and you go, "I look so tired."

   11. RNRoxie Nafousi15:18

       Mm.

   12. JSJay Shetty15:18

       "Oh, I've put on a bit of weight. Oh, I've..." Whatever it is, right? We all have our own version. "Oh, I've got gray hairs. Oh, I've..." Whatever it is. And then after that, you're like, "Oh, God, I'm late for work."

   13. RNRoxie Nafousi15:27

       Mm.

   14. JSJay Shetty15:28

       And again, it's like everything, and, and we do it to ourselves every day, all day.

   15. RNRoxie Nafousi15:33

       Mm.

   16. JSJay Shetty15:33

       "Oh, I, I shouldn't have spoken up in that meeting. Oh, I should have spoken up in that meeting."

   17. RNRoxie Nafousi15:36

       Mm.

   18. JSJay Shetty15:36

       "Oh, I said something stupid in that meeting. Oh, I should have said more."

   19. RNRoxie Nafousi15:40

       Mm.

   20. JSJay Shetty15:40

       "Oh, my... I'm not gonna get a promotion." Or, "I don't deserve..." You know, whatever it is, it's just, it's crazy how incessant it is.

   21. RNRoxie Nafousi15:46

       Yeah, yeah.

   22. JSJay Shetty15:47

       And it's like every tiny move.

   23. RNRoxie Nafousi15:49

       Mm.

   24. JSJay Shetty15:49

       It almost feels like you think someone's watching you on the-

   25. RNRoxie Nafousi15:52

       Yeah. [laughs]

   26. JSJay Shetty15:52

       ... big screen and analyzing your every move. And I wanted to ask you though, what's the difference between self-awareness-

   27. RNRoxie Nafousi15:59

       Mm

   28. JSJay Shetty16:00

       ... and self-criticism?

   29. RNRoxie Nafousi16:02

       It's the intention behind it. I think that self-awareness, um, is, and I mean, is about being able to say... Let's say you've gone to, into a meeting, and you've given a presentation, and afterward-- A- and during the presentation, maybe you do mess up. Maybe you don't say the right thing. Maybe it's not your best performance, and afterwards if you were to come out, self-criticism would sound like, "Oh, you're such an idiot. Why did you do that? Typical that you would. You're never gonna get it. You've messed up." Self-awareness is, "You know what? That wasn't your best, but how can we improve for the next time?" You know, there's a kind of, there's a different way of approaching it because confidence is also not about ignoring all your flaws. It's not about just saying, "Oh my God, I'm just perfect how I am." You know, I have a quote in the book where I say, um, "Confidence is knowing that you're a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time."

   30. JSJay Shetty17:03

       Mm.
6. 17:19 – 22:28

   Self-Awareness vs. Self-Criticism

   1. RNRoxie Nafousi17:19

      feels... Because, you know, in that compassion, you're actually giving yourself the best opportunity. Think about a child, right? If you want a child to learn a new skill-

   2. JSJay Shetty17:27

      Mm

   3. RNRoxie Nafousi17:27

      ... you're not gonna go and just berate them. You know, when I'm teaching Wolf maths, if I'm like, "Oh, you idiot, how didn't you get that?"

   4. JSJay Shetty17:35

      [laughs]

   5. RNRoxie Nafousi17:36

      He's gonna be like, "Forget it."

   6. JSJay Shetty17:38

      Yeah.

   7. RNRoxie Nafousi17:38

      I'm like, he would be traumatized.

   8. JSJay Shetty17:40

      Yeah.

   9. RNRoxie Nafousi17:40

      And he'd never-- he'd hate maths for the rest of his life.

   10. JSJay Shetty17:43

       Yeah.

   11. RNRoxie Nafousi17:44

       And yet that's how we talk to ourselves-

   12. JSJay Shetty17:46

       Mm

   13. RNRoxie Nafousi17:46

       ... all the time. We're, we're just, you know, telling ourselves-We're just mean. We're mean to ourselves, and it is so exhausting

   14. JSJay Shetty17:56

       Mm-hmm

   15. RNRoxie Nafousi17:56

       And I know that so many people listening are just tired. They're just tired of constantly being in this battle with themselves, and you just get to a point and you're like, "I just don't wanna live like this anymore."

   16. JSJay Shetty18:11

       Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's so right, and it's interesting because we always say, like, you should talk to yourself as you'd talk to a friend, but it's almost like talk to yourself like you'd talk to a child-

   17. RNRoxie Nafousi18:20

       Yeah

   18. JSJay Shetty18:21

       ... because from what you just said-

   19. RNRoxie Nafousi18:22

       Yeah

   20. JSJay Shetty18:23

       ... with Wolf, like teaching him maths, it's like there's an inner child inside every single one of us-

   21. RNRoxie Nafousi18:27

       Mm-hmm

   22. JSJay Shetty18:28

       ... that is lacking in confidence, that was criticized and was heckled while they were growing up.

   23. RNRoxie Nafousi18:34

       Mm.

   24. JSJay Shetty18:35

       It's not even talking to a friend. It's talking to this younger person-

   25. RNRoxie Nafousi18:38

       Mm

   26. JSJay Shetty18:38

       ... inside of yourself and your younger self and saying, "Yeah, it's okay that you're not good at maths right now." Like, you know, you wouldn't, you would... That's what you'd say to Wolf.

   27. RNRoxie Nafousi18:47

       Yeah, yeah.

   28. JSJay Shetty18:47

       And you wouldn't tell him to get his act together or grow up-

   29. RNRoxie Nafousi18:49

       [laughs]

   30. JSJay Shetty18:49

       ... or you should get it by now.
7. 22:28 – 26:26

   Meet the Best Version of You

   1. JSJay Shetty22:28

      which I still write in every morning, or a reusable water bottle that traveled with me across the world. Those gifts weren't just things. They were reminders of purpose, of values, of meaning, and that's why I love Green Monday on Amazon. It's a chance to slow down and choose sustainable, purpose-driven gifts that actually mean something. It's about being intentional with how we give so we're not just exchanging products but sharing values. This season, ask yourself, what's a gift that reflects not just the person you're giving it to but the world you want to create together? I'm sure you have so many friends who would really appreciate a thoughtful, meaningful gift. This is a great place to start. Yeah, I really like that, and, and I think that's what we have to understand is that even that inner critic is not us. It's just a rehearsed-

   2. RNRoxie Nafousi23:23

      Mm-hmm

   3. JSJay Shetty23:23

      ... habituated, conditioned voice that you've just practiced. So you've practiced that voice your whole life that says-

   4. RNRoxie Nafousi23:30

      Mm

   5. JSJay Shetty23:30

      ... you're a loser, you're not great, you're not enough, you're not good, whatever it is, and if you start practicing another voice, that will change.

   6. RNRoxie Nafousi23:37

      Yeah.

   7. JSJay Shetty23:37

      And that, for me, was always massively helpful in recognizing that you could change pretty much anything and everything if you wanted to and if you chose to-

   8. RNRoxie Nafousi23:48

      Mm-hmm

   9. JSJay Shetty23:48

      ... because all you were living out was a habit.And you weren't living out your destiny-

   10. RNRoxie Nafousi23:53

       Yes

   11. JSJay Shetty23:54

       ... as it, as if-- And that's what we believe.

   12. RNRoxie Nafousi23:55

       Mm-hmm.

   13. JSJay Shetty23:55

       We kinda believe, like, well, I'm born like this, and this is what I have, and this is what I'm living with. And really what you're saying is, no, if you master your thoughts-

   14. RNRoxie Nafousi24:04

       Yes

   15. JSJay Shetty24:04

       ... you can change your beliefs, and therefore you can change your reality.

   16. RNRoxie Nafousi24:07

       Yes.

   17. JSJay Shetty24:07

       I love the idea of a motivational message from your higher self.

   18. RNRoxie Nafousi24:10

       Mm-hmm.

   19. JSJay Shetty24:10

       Because that's even beyond being kinder to yourself. That's really saying, well, let's live your life from this point of view-

   20. RNRoxie Nafousi24:17

       Yeah

   21. JSJay Shetty24:18

       ... and how that changes everything.

   22. RNRoxie Nafousi24:19

       Mm.

   23. JSJay Shetty24:20

       And it's almost like even if you went one day living like that, like even if you could just do 24 hours of talking to yourself and looking at your life through your motivational message, through your higher self, I feel, wow-

   24. RNRoxie Nafousi24:32

       Mm

   25. JSJay Shetty24:32

       ... I could accomplish so much-

   26. RNRoxie Nafousi24:34

       Yeah

   27. JSJay Shetty24:34

       ... if I just lived up there.

   28. RNRoxie Nafousi24:36

       Oh, God, yeah. So I have this great, um, great tool, actually. So if we think about our higher self, like, what really is that? A higher self, for me, it, it's your most empowered self. It's the best you. And if you're struggling to kind of think about that version, what I would say is close your eyes, and I want you to really think about you one year from now, and I want you to allow all your fears and doubts to just sit by the side. Like, you don't need them now. Set them aside for now. And I want you to imagine one year from now, who is the best me that I could be?

   29. JSJay Shetty25:07

       Mm-hmm.

   30. RNRoxie Nafousi25:07

       Who would I love to become? And really get to know that version of you. How would they walk into a room? How would they walk out of it? How do they feel about themselves? How do they, uh, how do they interact with the people in their lives? How do they feel when they're at work? And you really start to get this really clear idea of who is the best you. And that is your higher self. And then how do you start to bring that version of you to life day to day? Well, you can do it in every decision that you make because from the minute we wake up to the minute we go to bed, we make hundreds, thousands of decisions, and really our life is just a culmination of all the decisions that we make, right? The choices that we make. And before every decision, before every choice, I want everybody listening to just ask themselves one question: What would my higher self do?
8. 26:26 – 31:49

   Stop Trying to Be Liked by Everyone!

   1. JSJay Shetty26:26

      it, and, and it is just practicing. It's rehearsing.

   2. RNRoxie Nafousi26:28

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty26:28

      I, I think we don't realize that we're all, we've all been acting just with really negative lines.

   4. RNRoxie Nafousi26:34

      Yeah. [laughs]

   5. JSJay Shetty26:34

      And we've learned them and rehearsed them for so long, and we've gotta start acting like that higher self to access it.

   6. RNRoxie Nafousi26:41

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty26:42

      And that's what's so interesting. I love what you said, that it's already there.

   8. RNRoxie Nafousi26:46

      Mm.

   9. JSJay Shetty26:47

      But in order to access it, you have to act it. You have to be it. You have to live it. You have to practice it. And then you go, "Oh, wow, I do have that ability."

   10. RNRoxie Nafousi26:54

       Yeah.

   11. JSJay Shetty26:54

       It's what you were saying earlier, that if you went in and gave your presentation as if someone who was really comfortable-

   12. RNRoxie Nafousi27:00

       Mm

   13. JSJay Shetty27:01

       ... all of a sudden, you might actually notice you have other skills that you didn't even know you had.

   14. RNRoxie Nafousi27:04

       Yeah.

   15. JSJay Shetty27:05

       And when you're being scared about, oh, am I funny enough, or am I clever enough, or... That just boils up everything else inside of you-

   16. RNRoxie Nafousi27:13

       Mm

   17. JSJay Shetty27:13

       ... and dissipates. I wanted to skip to step three, uh, because I want people to read the book. The book is called CONFIDENCE: 8 Steps to Knowing Your Worth. I'm picking my favorite steps.

   18. RNRoxie Nafousi27:21

       Mm-hmm.

   19. JSJay Shetty27:21

       And I want you to get the book to read the steps in between. I love this step, stop trying to be liked by everybody.

   20. RNRoxie Nafousi27:27

       My favorite step. [laughs]

   21. JSJay Shetty27:28

       This is-- Yeah, this is my favorite step too because it's such an addiction, and I had it-

   22. RNRoxie Nafousi27:33

       Mm

   23. JSJay Shetty27:33

       ... for such a long time. And it-- Of course, I, we all still deal with it, so it's not like I'm-

   24. RNRoxie Nafousi27:37

       Mm

   25. JSJay Shetty27:37

       ... beyond it at all. But I remember it having such a hold of my life-

   26. RNRoxie Nafousi27:42

       Mm

   27. JSJay Shetty27:43

       ... that I couldn't be authentic, and that's what's so interesting, is that we think that the people that are liked by everyone are authentic.

   28. RNRoxie Nafousi27:53

       Yeah.

   29. JSJay Shetty27:53

       Sometimes the people who are liked by everyone are the people who will tell you that they've just been wearing a mask-

   30. RNRoxie Nafousi27:59

       Mm
9. 31:49 – 34:07

   How Encouragement Boosts Performance

   1. RNRoxie Nafousi31:49

      anyway, I managed to get through the rest of the show, and that was on a Saturday. And on the Monday, I got an email, and it said, um, "Hi Roxie, I came to your show. I absolutely loved it, and I was wondering if you did one-to-one coaching. I don't know if you remember me, but I was wearing the pink tracksuit."

   2. JSJay Shetty32:05

      [laughs]

   3. RNRoxie Nafousi32:06

      And I was like-

   4. JSJay Shetty32:08

      Geez

   5. RNRoxie Nafousi32:08

      ... ah, yes, you know. You really never know what somebody is thinking.

   6. JSJay Shetty32:12

      Yeah.

   7. RNRoxie Nafousi32:13

      And I think that we can take someone's, let's say they're directing an email, or they don't reply to a WhatsApp. I mean, how many people listening have had their friends not message them back, and they're convinced they hate them? Or, "What have I done wrong?" And then only for them to be like, "Oh God, sorry, I was so busy," or, "Sorry this happened." You know, we just really never know, and so let's just stop putting narratives that put ourselves in this kind of disadvantage.

   8. JSJay Shetty32:38

      Yeah. It's fascinating to hear that the first step is no one's really thinking about you.

   9. RNRoxie Nafousi32:42

      Yeah.

   10. JSJay Shetty32:42

       And the second is you have no idea what they are thinking about you.

   11. RNRoxie Nafousi32:45

       Yeah. [laughs]

   12. JSJay Shetty32:46

       Brilliant. And it reminded me, I remember when I was at university, we were learning a case study-

   13. RNRoxie Nafousi32:51

       Mm

   14. JSJay Shetty32:52

       ... about the acrobatics and performance company Cirque du Soleil.

   15. RNRoxie Nafousi32:56

       Oh, yeah.

   16. JSJay Shetty32:56

       Cirque.

   17. RNRoxie Nafousi32:56

       Oh, God, I love it, yeah.

   18. JSJay Shetty32:57

       Yeah, so for anyone who's seen Cirque, it's this crazy, like, jumping through fire, hoops, dancing, acrobatics, like spinning around on a, you know, something suspended from the air. Like, it's unbelievable.

   19. RNRoxie Nafousi33:09

       Yeah.

   20. JSJay Shetty33:09

       And they would go and travel across the world, and they'd have acrobats from all over the world. Whenever they'd perform in America, when they'd do a triple flip and fall through a hoop of fire and land on their feet, the audience would go ballistic. Like, they would be, like, cheering and, like, you know-

   21. RNRoxie Nafousi33:27

       Yeah

   22. JSJay Shetty33:27

       ... just, like, full on just, like-

   23. RNRoxie Nafousi33:29

       [laughs]

   24. JSJay Shetty33:29

       ... pandemonium, right?

   25. RNRoxie Nafousi33:30

       Yeah.

   26. JSJay Shetty33:30

       The audience would go crazy. And then when they'd g- when they'd go to Asia, the audience would just do a small tap in their hands.

   27. RNRoxie Nafousi33:39

       Yeah.

   28. JSJay Shetty33:39

       And so this person's just, like, literally jumped through three hoops of fire-

   29. RNRoxie Nafousi33:42

       [laughs]

   30. JSJay Shetty33:42

       ... triple backflip, like, done the most crazy thing, and they get this small tap.
10. 34:07 – 38:42

    You Can’t Be Everyone’s Favorite and That’s Okay

    1. JSJay Shetty34:07

       I don't know if they still do this, but at the time, they started engaging companies to train them in how different cultures show praise.

    2. RNRoxie Nafousi34:15

       Wow.

    3. JSJay Shetty34:15

       Because all cultures show praise differently. So some parts of Asia, they loved it-

    4. RNRoxie Nafousi34:20

       Mm

    5. JSJay Shetty34:20

       ... but the way they showed praise was more muted, whereas in America, the way they showed praise was really big and bold.

    6. RNRoxie Nafousi34:26

       Mm.

    7. JSJay Shetty34:27

       And obviously, the UK would show praise different-

    8. RNRoxie Nafousi34:29

       Yes

    9. JSJay Shetty34:29

       ... and Europe would. And so this idea also of just, like, this woman in this pink dre-

    10. RNRoxie Nafousi34:33

        Yes

    11. JSJay Shetty34:33

        ... uh, pink, uh, sweatsuit-

    12. RNRoxie Nafousi34:34

        But it's also exactly what we were saying before about how encouragement helps you perform better.

    13. JSJay Shetty34:39

        Yes.

    14. RNRoxie Nafousi34:39

        So the fact that they, their, you know, acrobatics was kind of deteriorating slightly because they weren't getting the encouragement that they needed, and I think we naturally need encouragement.

    15. JSJay Shetty34:51

        Yeah.

    16. RNRoxie Nafousi34:51

        And that needs to start with ourselves.

    17. JSJay Shetty34:54

        Yes, yes, exactly.

    18. RNRoxie Nafousi34:55

        Mm.

    19. JSJay Shetty34:55

        And I think we all know that, we all know the days also, just to show how external validation also doesn't carry us-

    20. RNRoxie Nafousi35:03

        Mm

    21. JSJay Shetty35:03

        ... and what you're saying about the voice in your head, we all know days where everyone keeps telling you you're amazing-

    22. RNRoxie Nafousi35:08

        Mm-hmm

    23. JSJay Shetty35:09

        ... and you don't feel it.

    24. RNRoxie Nafousi35:11

        Yeah.

    25. JSJay Shetty35:11

        It doesn't matter how many people tell you, "You look amazing, you feel amazing, you're doing amazing," when you don't feel it.

    26. RNRoxie Nafousi35:17

        Mm-hmm.

    27. JSJay Shetty35:18

        Because when you don't feel it, all of that just doesn't matter.

    28. RNRoxie Nafousi35:21

        Absolutely.

    29. JSJay Shetty35:22

        But then when you feel it inside, even if someone said you didn't do amazing-

    30. RNRoxie Nafousi35:26

        Yes
11. 38:42 – 42:57

    People-Pleasing vs. Making People Happy

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi38:42

       helpful in all situations in our life, whether it's at work, 'cause there will be some colleagues you get on with, some you don't. You just rub each other the wrong way, but it's also so good with dating. So for people who are dating who, you know, y- when you go into dating, I mean, dating is so triggering anyway on our confidence and self-worth, but, you know, it's so, when we go into dates, we always go in with this mindset of, you know, I really hope they like me, right?

    2. JSJay Shetty39:08

       Yeah.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi39:08

       And I always think you should actually be going in saying, "I really hope I like them."

    4. JSJay Shetty39:11

       [laughs] Yeah.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi39:12

       Right? But if it doesn't work out, if there isn't a second date, it's so easy for us to just go, "What was wrong with me?" And instead, I just want people to adopt this mentality of it just wasn't an energetic fit.

    6. JSJay Shetty39:24

       Mm.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi39:24

       It's just not personal, and I think it's just so helpful for te- to adopt that mindset.

    8. JSJay Shetty39:30

       What's, what's the difference between people-pleasing-

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi39:33

       Mm

    10. JSJay Shetty39:33

        ... and making people happy?

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi39:35

        Wanting to make people happy and to sh- to bring happiness into people's lives is full of, I think, it comes from, it can come from a confident place, a, a place of I have so much love that I want to share it with the people around me. So it comes from a place of worth, whereas people-pleasing actually comes from a place of low self-worth. People-pleasing is I have to please others because I'm not worthy of putting myself first. I have to please others because I need them to like me. I have to please others because I need to, I need to be enough. And so I think, yeah, I think pe- making people happy can come, comes from a place of worth, and people-pleasing comes from a lack of self-worth.

    12. JSJay Shetty40:27

        That's so good. That's such a great answer, because I think sometimes we think, "Oh, I'm just not gonna care what anyone thinks."

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi40:32

        Yeah.

    14. JSJay Shetty40:33

        And I always hear both, right? You hear one end of the spectrum, which is like, "I wish everyone liked me."

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi40:36

        Yeah.

    16. JSJay Shetty40:36

        The other end is, "Well, I don't care what anyone thinks."

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi40:38

        Mm.

    18. JSJay Shetty40:38

        I'm like, well, neither of those are real or true-

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi40:41

        Yeah

    20. JSJay Shetty40:41

        ... because you can't just not care. If everyone just didn't care what anyone thought-

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi40:45

        Mm-hmm

    22. JSJay Shetty40:46

        ... by the way, there'd be no need for art or music or philosophy or anything, because we wouldn't care what anyone thought, so no one would listen to this podcast.

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi40:55

        Yeah, yeah.

    24. JSJay Shetty40:56

        And no one would read a book ever. No one would watch a movie, because we don't care what anyone thinks.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi41:00

        Yeah.

    26. JSJay Shetty41:00

        And no one would ever do that for us, so we'd lose so much connection, so caring is important.

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi41:06

        Absolutely.

    28. JSJay Shetty41:07

        But I, but I love what you said about how when it's really about making people happy, it's actually about them.

    29. RNRoxie Nafousi41:13

        Mm.

    30. JSJay Shetty41:13

        And when it's about people-pleasing, it's all about you.
12. 42:57 – 44:54

    Practicing Radical Acceptance After Rejection

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi42:57

       to really appreciate the ones you do.

    2. JSJay Shetty42:58

       Yeah, to really experience the magic of connection-

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi43:01

       Mm

    4. JSJay Shetty43:01

       ... and go, "Oh, yeah, we have something special." Like, you would never say that.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi43:04

       Yes.

    6. JSJay Shetty43:04

       If everyone liked you and you liked everyone, you can never say, "We have something special."

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi43:08

       Yes. It's like, okay, if you date, uh, someone [laughs]

    8. JSJay Shetty43:14

       Go on, Roxie. Where's this going?

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi43:16

       I was just thinking an Aquarius specifically. [laughs]

    10. JSJay Shetty43:19

        [laughs]

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi43:19

        But no, there are some people, okay, forget the date thing, but there are some people who are just friends with everyone, you know, and I know people like this who are such social butterflies, but they don't have those one or two really special and deep connections, and I wonder if that's kind of part of the same thing.

    12. JSJay Shetty43:38

        Yeah, yeah, because they get along with everyone and-

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi43:40

        Yes

    14. JSJay Shetty43:40

        ... and you have a lot of shallow relationships.

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi43:42

        They're like chameleons. Yeah.

    16. JSJay Shetty43:42

        Yeah.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi43:42

        Mm.

    18. JSJay Shetty43:43

        And it doesn't, it doesn't fuel you. It doesn't fuel you. What, I was gonna ask you about that, though. For those of us who just don't want conflict-

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi43:49

        Mm

    20. JSJay Shetty43:50

        ... and who just don't wanna get into it with someone. We're like, "Oh, why can't we just have peace and like everyone?" How do you deal with that rejection, that conflict, that feeling of that person doesn't like me? What do you do with that? Because of course there is a feeling of I feel rejected, I feel outed, they didn't invite me.

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi44:07

        Mm.

    22. JSJay Shetty44:07

        What do you do with that?

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi44:09

        I think it just comes down to acceptance, like that kind of idea of radical acceptance, right? Because I think that, yes, rejection is hard, right? And it, it's challenging, and it tests the foundation of our confidence, right? Because it's really, you know, it, it's, it's a horrible thing to experience, and everybody's gone through it. But I truly believe that you can learn to deal with rejection in a way that doesn't lead to this, like, great discomfort, and I think you can deal with somebody just not really liking you without it becoming something that you constantly overthink or ruminate on.

    24. JSJay Shetty44:48

        Mm.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi44:48

        And that just comes from this mindset of it doesn't make it

13. 44:54 – 47:16

    Your Mind Creates Stories That Aren’t True

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi44:54

       about me. I can't really know what really is going on for them, and w- and, and there's that... I can't remember what the quote is. You might remember it, about how our perceptions, um, what people think of us is not really to do with us, it's to do with them.

    2. JSJay Shetty45:09

       Yes.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi45:09

       It's their own experiences, their own wounds, their own, you know, all their past things. And, you know, perhaps you remind them of someone in their life that hurt them in the past. Like, there's just so many different factors to us- to it, like I said earlier, that have nothing to do with us. And so it's just, it's acceptance. It's also not making it... Things can... You can not get on with someone and it not need to be an argument, and it not need to be a big thing, and it not need to mean anything, and I think sometimes we just attra- try too hard to attach meaning to everything.

    4. JSJay Shetty45:43

       I think, I think that's it. It's not everything means something.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi45:45

       Mm.

    6. JSJay Shetty45:46

       And you reminded me of that principle from the Buddha that's the, the second arrow, which is the first arrow is the rejection-

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi45:53

       Mm

    8. JSJay Shetty45:53

       ... or the conflict. That hurts. But the second arrow is the one you shoot at yourself-

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi45:59

       Yes

    10. JSJay Shetty45:59

        ... because you're adding meaning to that first arrow.

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi46:02

        Mm.

    12. JSJay Shetty46:02

        So you got rejected, but the, your takeaway of the second arrow is because I'm not good enough.

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi46:09

        Yes.

    14. JSJay Shetty46:09

        When really the reason was they were projecting their past onto you, they were projecting a wound onto you, they were just busy.

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi46:16

        Mm.

    16. JSJay Shetty46:16

        They were tired. They were exhausted. There's a million reasons. And like you said, you're never gonna figure it out.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi46:21

        Mm.

    18. JSJay Shetty46:21

        And so you can play Sherlock Holmes and play investigator and try and figure out the detective version, but you still will never be satisfied with the answer. And so-

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi46:30

        Yeah

    20. JSJay Shetty46:30

        ... the Buddha says, "Don't fire that second arrow," because the first arrow you weren't in charge of, but the second arrow you were, and that second arrow is just your story, your meaning, which you're just making up.

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi46:41

        Yes.

    22. JSJay Shetty46:41

        And we become the best fiction writers-

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi46:43

        Yes

    24. JSJay Shetty46:44

        ... when it's writing the nightmare version of why this happened.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi46:46

        Totally. We're constantly filling in the blanks of stories that don't exist. I said recently on my... By the way, that was such a beautiful story. I mean, that, I illustrated it so well. But I w- I was saying, I did a post on Instagram the other day. It's like you know when you're walking behind someone and your mind has created a picture of what they look like, and when they turn around, you're like, "Oh my God, they look so different to what I thought."

    26. JSJay Shetty47:08

        [laughs] Yeah.

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi47:08

        But it's just a really clear reminder that our minds are just constantly creating these stories and these narratives and these images,

14. 47:16 – 50:44

    Taking Responsibility Without Blaming Yourself

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi47:16

       uh, that aren't based on reality.

    2. JSJay Shetty47:17

       Yes.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi47:17

       They are based on so many other things that are not, that, uh, that stop us from being truly objective.

    4. JSJay Shetty47:24

       Yeah.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi47:25

       And so really understanding that you cannot trust your stories, your thoughts, you know, is, I think, really powerful.

    6. JSJay Shetty47:32

       I've been asking you these questions, and you've been nailing the answers. I'm asking you more of these. How-

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi47:35

       Honestly, you ask me such different questions. It's so great. You really push me to think about confidence differently.

    8. JSJay Shetty47:41

       Oh.

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi47:41

       I really, yeah, it's really great. Thank you.

    10. JSJay Shetty47:43

        No, but you've, you've done the work, and it's why we can go everywhere.

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi47:46

        [laughs]

    12. JSJay Shetty47:46

        Like, it's exciting for me because I want people to read the book, and they're gonna find the, the great eight steps in the book, and the advice is so... And you've got, you know, the affirmations. You've got journaling prompts. Like, you, you're giving so many practical tips, but-I think this conversation's, like, really trying to figure out, like, what are we struggling with? And I wanted to ask you, what's the... How do we stop thinking that everything's our fault and still take responsibility to make changes?

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi48:11

        Mm.

    14. JSJay Shetty48:12

        Because I think where we get caught is we, when someone breaks up with you, you think, "Oh, it was all my fault. If I did this, they would have stayed."

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi48:17

        Mm.

    16. JSJay Shetty48:17

        "If I changed, they would still be here." Or, "If I planned that birthday, they'd still be in my life." And we make it all our fault.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi48:25

        Mm.

    18. JSJay Shetty48:25

        Which isn't the case, because it's always a two-way thing.

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi48:28

        Yeah.

    20. JSJay Shetty48:29

        But sometimes if we don't think anything's our fault-

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi48:31

        Mm

    22. JSJay Shetty48:31

        ... then we don't take responsibility.

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi48:33

        Yeah.

    24. JSJay Shetty48:33

        So how do you stop thinking everything's your fault, but still take responsibility?

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi48:38

        I think this comes down to, like, there's so, I think there's so many things involved in this. I think one actually doesn't come from anything personal, but it's more about this trust, being able to have a, a full trust in divine timing and a full trust that your life is unfolding the way that it's supposed to. Because in that sense, when something like this happens, when someone breaks up with you, when you lose the job, when whatever it is, actually, if you have a deep connection to a greater power, whatever that is, it might be God. For me, it's just the universe and the energy and power of the universe. Might be a spiritual realm, whatever it is. When you have a deep connection to that, you are able to surrender to things with such greater ease and resilience. And step four of my Manifest book is overcome tests from the universe, and that really is all about, um, being able to persist through challenges. Um, a- and, and it's done with a knowing that there is always reward on the other side. And so with that overall mindset, you are able, I think, to attach less meaning, like we spoke about before, to these things that happen to us. But I think that equally when it comes to being able to, how do we take responsibility for the things that we need to, I think that comes from, um, getting to know ourselves. It comes from self-awareness. I think it comes from a genuine desire to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, and I think that it comes from... You know, when I, when we talk about confidence and why confidence impacts every area of our lives, it's a kind of... I feel like confidence plays into everything, so actually the more confident we are, the less that we're going to blame ourselves for things, and the more willing we're going to be to be able to actually say, "Hey, you know," in a compassionate way, "Hey, you know what? Let me see what are the things that I could have changed here. What can I take responsibility for? And I'm gonna g- let go of

15. 50:44 – 53:18

    Why Feeling Worthy Now Matters Most

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi50:44

       the things that I can't. How can I be better, but how can I also accept the situation as it is?" And so I think there's this, like, fine balance between it, and I think that, God, I just, I'm so passionate about talking to people, whether it's about manifesting, but especially about confidence, because I just know how many people listening are having those thoughts that you've just mentioned where they think, "I just, if I had done things differently," and they live in that regret, in that shame, in that guilt. And I think those are such overpowering emotions that really infiltrate every part of our lives, kind of they're, like, silently there just bringing us down and, you know, it's... And like we said earlier, you know, it's exhausting, so yeah.

    2. JSJay Shetty51:32

       So you've laid out these eight steps really simply for people to follow, and as I was reading them, I was thinking, "But that's not what we do to become more confident."

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi51:41

       Mm.

    4. JSJay Shetty51:41

       So I think a lot of people think, "When I become rich, I'll be confident."

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi51:46

       Yeah.

    6. JSJay Shetty51:46

       But what's interesting is you can be rich and insecure.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi51:49

       Mm-hmm.

    8. JSJay Shetty51:49

       People think, "When I become famous, I'll be confident," but you can be famous and insecure. People think, "When I become a successful entrepreneur, when I get this promotion, when I get married, when I get through this, then I'll be confident," but you can be all of those things and still insecure because those things don't take away insecurity. These things do.

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi52:12

       Yeah. I mean, spoiler alert, my eight steps is not get married, get rich-

    10. JSJay Shetty52:16

        [laughs]

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi52:16

        ... get famous. [laughs]

    12. JSJay Shetty52:18

        Yeah, and, but, but I think our brain makes us believe those are the things.

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi52:22

        Yes, absolutely, and I think, you know, I, s- I'm so glad you brought this up because, you know, the work in manifestation, right, I think is all about goals. It's about getting to a place, and I actually had to put a disclaimer on this because I realized that what people were doing is they were expecting that happiness, confidence, joy would be found at the end of this goal, right? So exactly as you say, "I will be happy when I get this promotion, when I have this many followers, when I'm in a relationship." And what I started to really realize that I needed to share with people is that reaching those goals is never gonna make you happy, and we know this because we know how many, um, successful, famous people are deeply unhappy. And what I realized was, okay, how can I try and explain to people that, um, how can I,

16. 53:18 – 1:06:27

    Healing the Roots of Deep Self-Loathing

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi53:18

       how can I get people to f- have a goal, to stay motivated, 'cause we need something to work towards for our mental health. We need to be moving forward. How can I get people to find this balance between moving towards something, but not expecting happiness at the goal? And I realized that it all came down to an emotional attachment. People think, "I will be enough when..., I will be valued when..., I will be loved when..." And that's why the work of confidence is so important because actually what you realize is you need to feel loved now. You need to feel valued now. You need to feel worthy now so that when you get the goal, when you get the thing, you can enjoy it. [laughs]

    2. JSJay Shetty54:01

       Mm-hmm. Well said.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi54:02

       Because if you don't, you'll still be miserable.

    4. JSJay Shetty54:05

       Yeah. Yeah. It's so well said. Roxie, did you ever feel you did-Something that you think would make you confident but then didn't make you feel confident in your own journey?

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi54:16

       Yes. Yes. Um, many, many times. So, [sighs] I have been on a very real and profound journey of my own confidence, and, oh, I don't even know where to start with it really. It's-- I remember the first time I looked in the mirror when I was seven years old, and I remember it so distinctly, and looking and just thinking, "I am so ugly." Like, really ugly. Like, monstrous. And throughout my childhood, I really held onto this belief that I was just hideous. And at this time, when you're a young child and you're, um, kind of learning your place in the world and forming the beliefs about, you know, who you are, what I was seeing was that I was rejected by my peers. I was... I felt very alone all the time, and the people that were popular and loved were people that were beautiful, and the girls that had blonde hair and blue eyes and not the girls that looked like me. And, oh, I don't even know where to begin with this whole journey. I never felt worthy, and I never felt enough, and I think my self-loathing was so, so extreme. And I learned to cope with the extremity of my inner critic and my feelings of low self-worth with coping mechanisms like, um, controlling my eating, which then turned to alcohol, which then became drugs, and I was an addict and my-- went to my first NA, Narcotics Anonymous, meeting when I was 21. I continued through my addiction until I was 28, and w- a, a big part of what I was so addicted to was this false feeling of confidence, something I had never had. Um, but obviously, when I'd come down from that, the self-loathing would come to the surface again, and, and I, and I, and I always felt sort of quite disgusted by myself. Um, but I would say it was like a bubbling thing because I had the drugs to constantly offset it. But when I fell pregnant, um, when I was 28, I had to stop all the drugs, um, very suddenly. And so I was dealing with kind of all the pain that I was running from, and what really came to light in this time, and I didn't know what it was then, but I do know now, was a very, very severe body dysmorphia disorder. So at this time, um, I had-- Through my pregnancy, I gained sort of five stone. I was binge eating. But from almost within, like, a week of finding out I was pregnant and giving everything up, I became very, very fixated on how disgusting my face was. And it's really hard to describe how loud and how revolted I felt by myself. It's, it's a revulsion. Imagine something that you see, maybe you're squeamish when it comes to surgery, and you see something come up on Instagram, and you just get that feeling of disgust. That was how I felt when I looked in the mirror. And I eventually got to a point where I stopped leaving the house. I wouldn't see anybody because I thought I was too grotesque to be looked at.

    6. JSJay Shetty58:06

       While you were pregnant?

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi58:07

       Yes, while I was pregnant, and, and this was, like, a really dark time of my life anyway. And then after I was pregnant, let's fast-forward, the, the self-loathing is just there. It, it's a constant thing, this, this lack of self-worth. And then we come into COVID, and suddenly you're interacting with people on camera a lot. And this kind of-- My BDD, which I didn't know what it was at the time, became uncontrollable, as in every-- I'm at this point working through my career, so I had started doing workshops, and then at the beginning of COVID, I started doing webinars. For two years, I did webinars every month, and I did them all with my camera off. So I don't know if anybody ever knew that that was why. I think I used to say that it was because, um, like, I thought it would be a better experience for list- to, to listen, which in part is true. I feel like when you're listening to a podcast, you concentrate. But really, it was because I thought that if I had my camera on, people would be too revolted by my face and that it, they would, it would disgust them the way that it disgusted me. And I never, would never, ever show my face online unless I had a filter on it. Um, and I thought this was normal. I thought I was just really self-conscious and that I just didn't have good self-esteem. Um, and I thought, it's just because I need to change my face. I just need to do something, and if I just looked different, then I wouldn't feel this way. It was-- If-- It was, it felt kind of almost simple to me. It's like, yeah, I hate myself, but this is why. And so in 2021, I had had chronic sinusitis for years because of the drug use, and I had to have an operation on my sinuses. And I was like, "Great, this is my opportunity." And actually, I'd never considered having a rhinoplasty before, before, but as soon as I knew I had to have an operation on my nose, I was like, " [gasps] Yes, I can change the shape of my nose, and then finally I won't have this, like, voice in my head."So I had a rhinoplasty thinking this is gonna be the thing, um, that changes me. And I think a lot of people will relate to this or who have had surgery thinking it's gonna change the way you feel about yourself. And after the surgery, I realized I felt exactly the same, and if not worse. And at this time, I'm-- I start going into this work, this line of work. I start showing up because I want to spread my message. And I start having to be in front of cameras, and it was, um... [sighs] It's-- I don't even-- I'm so sorry, 'cause, you know, I've never spoken about this properly.

    8. SPSpeaker1:01:04

       No, this is what it sounds.

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:01:04

       And it's, like, really hard to explain. I was convinced, even after I'd had the rhinoplasty, I was so convinced that I was just too disgusting to be looked at, and that everybody that would meet me would just be thinking about how ugly I was. So then 2022, Manifest, my first book, comes out, and I'm obviously so passionate. This is my purpose. My purpose is to use all the pain that I've been through in my life to try and, you know, inspire others and hopefully help other people. And so I have this real desire to help and share my message and, and talk about it, and that means going on, you know, get-- if I take-- get the opportunity to go on TV, go on podcasts. But for-- a-and I was so determined that I was not gonna let this horrible monster in my mind stop me from, you know, doing the things that I wanted to do to fulfill my purpose. But it was excruciating, so every single time I would go on camera of any sort, I would have a panic attack before, then I would be fine during, and then I would have a panic attack after. I mean, the first time I sat in this chair just before coming, I had a full-blown panic attack. I c- I-- it was just-- And it all came from this-- And, and I feel so much-- The reason I've never spoken about this is because there is so much shame around what I'm about to talk about, I think, for loads of people who have experienced it. But I had this real obsession of thinking that I was just too disgusting to be seen, and it just came out all the time. And my team around me could see how real this was. It wasn't just a, "Oh, I'm feeling... Oh, I don't look so good today," and then you just kind of get on with your day. It was more than that. It was this c- all-consuming, ruminating thought of disgust, revulsion, ugly, horrible, nobody should look at me. And eventually, somebody said to me, "I think you have BDD," body dysmorphic disorder. Now, I didn't know what it was, and I thought that if I did, surely that must be about your body. Well, it doesn't. Body dysmorphic disorder and BDD can be about your face. It can be about your body. And what it is is a form of OCD. It's a for- it's an anxiety disorder, which is a form of OCD, so it's like an obsessive compulsion thinking that is kind of, um, comes with a checking behavior or, or some behavior of sorts. So for some people, it might be mirror checking. It might be comparing photos. It might be asking for reassurance. Um, and it, and it's no different to somebody having an obsessive thought about, you know, have they turned the light switches off or something bad's gonna happen if I don't do the switches three times. So it's the same pattern of behavior in your mind, but it's to do with the way that you look, so becoming obsessed with a perceived flaw and thinking that it's, uh, really noticeable to other people. And it's so incredibly damaging to one's way of life, and something that's really hard with BDD is nobody wants to talk about it because it seems vain. And I have been so afraid to talk about it, and even now I'm thinking like, "Should I be talking about this?" Because there is-- it, it feels like it's just about vanity, and I c- and I see why it seems like that, but it's so much more. It is this deep belief that you are so unworthy and unlovable because of your appearance. And a lot of people that have BDD will do everything on the outside to fix it in the way that I did. You know, have a rhinoplasty, have Botox, have filler, whatever it is. But when you realize that you're left with the same thought patterns, you realize that i-it's not about what's on the outside. It, it's you can try and change something, but unless you do the work within, nothing is gonna help you. And realizing that I had an anxiety disorder was very helpful for me. Um, I realized that it wasn't that I was just... I realized then that there was something I could do. I could find methods to help, whether that was CBT, and actually, and I've never shared this and didn't think I ever would, but, um, I actually went on medication, on anti-anxiety medication. Um, it's medication that's used often for lots of different things, depression, OCD, an- severe anxiety. Um, but because I paired that with all this work, it was absolutely life-changing for me. And the way I can describe the last th-th, uh, the two years when I'd kind of like started d- being on camera to, you know, getting to a point where I finally felt more comfortable, I could manage it better, is like every time I-- It's like asking somebody with an eating disorder, "Sit down and eat this cake." That is the only way I can describe it to somebody is it's, it's such an overwhelming experience. Um, and it, you know, it influences every area of your life, your friendships, your socializing, your dating life, everything. Um, and now I've found so-- And I only-- The only reason I'm sharing this, really, like why am I sharing this now?

17. 1:06:27 – 1:10:25

    Why Vulnerability Is a Form of Confidence

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:06:27

       Firstly, I think probably just because it, it's still a part of my life, and so I think thatLike I had a really-- I still get a lot of flare-ups when I'm tired, when I'm stressed, it will come up. So yesterday, for example, um, I was doing all these amazing things here in LA, but in my head I was like, but I'm-- I just completely reverted back to my old tho-thought patterns. I'm revolting, I'm disgusting. And it's weird because I never have these thoughts about anyone else. I don't care about how anyone looks. I've never thought, "If only they looked better." Oh, God, I feel really nervous about talking about this.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:07:01

       Yeah.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:01

       I just don't know if it sounds... Oh, it's really hard.

    4. JSJay Shetty1:07:05

       It is hard. It is hard.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:06

       It's, it's-

    6. JSJay Shetty1:07:07

       Can I, can I jump in?

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:07

       Yes, please.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:07:09

       When anyone shares something that they've been struggling with, to me it shows one of the greatest expressions of confidence-

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:16

       Mm.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:07:17

        Because it's so hard to talk about it because you know that people are gonna have their opinions.

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:24

        Yeah.

    12. JSJay Shetty1:07:25

        You have your own judgments of it. You're still naturally dealing with it, as we all are. So I firstly just wanna thank you for being so confident-

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:32

        Mm

    14. JSJay Shetty1:07:32

        ... in actually sharing it, because I don't think you could do that if you weren't working on your inner self.

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:39

        Yeah. Yeah.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:07:40

        Because that's the hardest part really is admitting out loud to yourself that this is what I'm going through and this is where I'm at.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:46

        Mm.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:07:46

        So just thank you for your vulnerability and confidence.

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:48

        Thank you.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:07:49

        Uh.

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi1:07:49

        I really appreciate that.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:07:50

        Because it, that's the hardest thing. I, I remember coaching a leader, and they'd been going through a lot of anxiety. This is a CEO of a company with half a million employees, and they were going through so much anxiety and stress in their personal life, and everything was falling apart. At the same time, this company's doing exceptionally well.

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi1:08:10

        Mm.

    24. JSJay Shetty1:08:12

        And while they were going through it, at one point when they were better versed in being able to explain it, like I think you explained BDD so well-

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi1:08:18

        Mm

    26. JSJay Shetty1:08:18

        ... as to someone who doesn't know much about it, I said, I encouraged them, I said, "Maybe you should tell your team, your exec team, your leaders-

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi1:08:26

        Mm

    28. JSJay Shetty1:08:26

        ... so that they're aware." And they said to me, they said, "How can I tell them?" I said, "What do you mean?" They said, "Well, if I tell them, they're gonna think I'm weak." And I said, "No, I think when you tell them, they're gonna realize you're strong because they're all dealing with similar things."

    29. RNRoxie Nafousi1:08:40

        Mm.

    30. JSJay Shetty1:08:41

        "And they're scared of telling you because they don't think you know what they're going through."
18. 1:10:25 – 1:13:10

    Your Mind Is More Powerful Than You Think

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:25

       just gonna say that.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:10:26

       Right?

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:26

       I used to think the same thing.

    4. JSJay Shetty1:10:27

       When we were young, like you didn't-

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:28

       Yeah

    6. JSJay Shetty1:10:28

       ... believe depression was real. And then you go through-- I've, I've, I've been through depressive episodes in my life.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:33

       Yeah.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:10:33

       You go through it and you go, "God, I didn't even think my brain could go there."

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:36

       Mm-hmm.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:10:37

        And anyone who has a friend who's gone through depression, who's potentially even had suicidal thoughts, like anyone who's had anyone in their life who's gone that, you've seen how quickly someone that you thought was happy, confident, and well became all of the opposite things. And so I, regardless of whether we immediately understand what you're saying, I just hope we use it as an opportunity to expand our-

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:10:59

        Mm

    12. JSJay Shetty1:11:00

        ... compassion and empathy for each other, because I think we know so little about the human mind and human brain-

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:11:05

        Yeah

    14. JSJay Shetty1:11:06

        ... and all of these things.

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:11:07

        Yeah.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:11:07

        And, oh sorry, go on. You were gonna say something.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:11:09

        No, yeah. I mean, it, the mind is just an extremely powerful place, and I think that it's true, I mean, that often I say that f-for somebody, if, if, if you find a couple and one person has depression and one has never experienced it, it can be v- and it's, come on, it can be very hard for that person to understand.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:11:28

        Yes.

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:11:28

        Like, you'll just snap out of it. And what I do hope that happens in sharing this is firstly I think BDD is under- not- undiagnosed, so I hope that perhaps there are people listening that actually do have BDD but didn't know will feel so much relief to understand that it's not just them being super vain or this or that. If it is impacting your life to a way that is, m- like truly negatively impacting your life, then there is help to be found through s- different therapies. Um, you know, medication is out there. You know, there are things that can help. But I also think, yeah, I mean, the reason that I am so in love with this book is because I am somebody who literally has lived with this, what is, I now recognize as an anxiety disorder that is rooted in me telling myself how awful I am. And I have had that inner voice since I was seven telling me I am disgusting, I am unlovable, I am not enough. Whether that, I thought that because of the way I look or whatever, at the root of it was I am not enough as I am. That is what I have believed my whole life. I am now sat in this chair, and I truly believe I am enoughLike, I actually do love who I am, and it's not that I don't feel it. Like I told you, yesterday was a tough day for me, but I knew how to manage it. I knew how to overcome it. But 90% of the time I feel amazing, not in the way I look. I just feel amazing

19. 1:13:10 – 1:17:18

    Are We Too Exposed to Our Own Reflection?

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:13:10

       as a human. Like, I feel proud of who I am and what I can offer the world. So if I can go through that level of extreme self-hate and get to a point where I actually can s- sit on a podcast and say, "I like who I am," truly, I think anyone can. And these are the steps that help me get there, and I love them so much, and I just so... I just can't wait for people to feel this level of freedom because it really is quite an extraordinary experience. And knowing how hard it can be on the other side, oh my God, it's just such a relief to, like, not hate yourself all the time. [laughs]

    2. JSJay Shetty1:13:52

       I thi- I think it's also really, from, from what I see from what you're saying is, because it's been a journey while you're writing, while you're speaking-

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:13:59

       Mm-hmm

    4. JSJay Shetty1:13:59

       ... is that you can have these thoughts, you can mask them, work on them, and still do things.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:14:06

       Mm-hmm.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:14:06

       And I think a lot of us feel like, "Until I figure everything out, I can't do anything." And what I think you're saying and showing is, "No, I've been feeling all of this. Here are the management methods that I've come up with and the steps that actually help me deal with it, and then I can still do these things" And partly what you're saying though, Roxie, I think is, is part of you being a public figure too because... And, and this applies to everyone now, it's not just to public figures, it truly applies to everyone. All of us see our reflection too much.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:14:33

       Yes, we really do. [laughs]

    8. JSJay Shetty1:14:34

       We just, we all look at our faces more times every day than we ever would have in the past. When you grew up in that tribe or that village, when would you ever see your reflection?

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:14:47

       Yeah.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:14:47

        You're looking at straw huts and-

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:14:50

        [laughs]

    12. JSJay Shetty1:14:50

        ... you know, wooden, like, spoons. You know, just whatever. Like, you're never seeing your reflection, and now you're on a Zoom call and you're staring at your reflection.

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:14:58

        Yep.

    14. JSJay Shetty1:14:59

        You're on a FaceTime call and you're looking at your s-

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:01

        [laughs]

    16. JSJay Shetty1:15:01

        ... your own reflection.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:02

        Yes.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:15:02

        You go past a shop window, you look at your reflection. We're on our phones all day. It's, we're so overexposed that I think all of us, if we're honest with ourselves, overanalyze ourselves-

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:14

        Mm

    20. JSJay Shetty1:15:14

        ... physically and, and our face because we see our face more than ever. I just don't think we were ever meant to see our face this much.

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:20

        So true.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:15:21

        So for someone who has a, an anxiety disorder that's connected to that-

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:25

        Mm

    24. JSJay Shetty1:15:26

        ... I can only imagine how that's amplified because it's amplified even for people who don't have that anxiety disorder, and I'm overexposed to my face.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:34

        Mm.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:15:34

        And so I think it's also just we- we're just looking at our faces more than we ever meant to.

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:39

        Yes.

    28. JSJay Shetty1:15:39

        And, and that's hard.

    29. RNRoxie Nafousi1:15:40

        It's so true.

    30. JSJay Shetty1:15:41

        Uh, and I think everyone can relate to that, whether they have an anxiety disorder or not-
20. 1:17:18 – 1:22:04

    Managing BDD With Compassion and Awareness

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:17:18

       kept me showing up, and I still remind myself of it all the time. And I think that... And it's true. Like, I think about, and I would always think about all the people I love, admire, enjoy being around, enjoy hearing, watching. None of them are because, oh, they look a certain way. All of it is because they make me feel a certain way. They make me feel inspired. They make me feel empowered. They make me feel... But this is the thing with anxiety disorders, it makes no sense, right? So I can rationally think that. It doesn't mean the thoughts don't come sometimes anyway. But I think this ability, when you can rationalize it and remind yourself of these things, it can be so powerful.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:18:01

       For us to gain a bit more understanding of it, so what happens when someone says, "Well, Roxie, you look amazing," like, "I think you look great." Like, when someone says that, what does the disorder do internally? Like, how do you feel when you receive that? So on a day that you're not feeling your best physically-

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:18:14

       Mm

    4. JSJay Shetty1:18:14

       ... or vis- and your face.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:18:16

       Yeah.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:18:16

       As we talked about, it's not your body, it's your face.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:18:17

       Mm.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:18:18

       And someone's like, "Oh, but y- you look great." Like, what, what's your thought process? What happens?

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:18:22

       Well, nothing, because like we said earlier, if, when you don't think about it about yourself, it, it's, it's... For me, if I'm having, like now, if I'm having a bad... Before, it was just every day, it was just constant. For now, let's say I'm having a bad BDD day to- of yesterday, right? That was a bad day. It's a physical anxiety, so you just feel off, and then you just have ruminating thoughts. And so you might... It's just a ruminating-

    10. JSJay Shetty1:18:46

        Yeah

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:18:46

        ... inner critic, and it's just a feeling of anxiousness that's really, like, physical in the body. Um-And it just, it's an- it's annoying. I'm just like, "Oh, not again. Not today." Because you want to enjoy the things, but I've, like I said, I noticed when it happens, when I'm stressed, when I'm on hormonal, when I'm tired, but I also know now that it will pass. I woke up this morning, and I was free from it, and I was like, "Okay, we're back. We're fine."

    12. JSJay Shetty1:19:11

        Yeah.

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:19:11

        You know, it was just... I was also jet lagged yesterday-

    14. JSJay Shetty1:19:14

        Oh, yeah

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:19:14

        ... so it was prob- probably that as well. Um, so you know, it's, it's something that's, that you can, you can learn to manage. Um, I also think, I'll just say one more thing on it that I think it's important, is that there are more and more people having surgery now, and I think that a lot of it will be coming from undiagnosed BDD. And so I just think if people can just, if they are thinking about surgery, and there's so much we're seeing on social media, you know, just really ask yourself, like, is this, is there something bigger, more healing that needs to be done? I am all for people doing whatever they wanna do. I mean, I don't regret my rhinoplasty. I, I do do Botox. I do do things like that. I like to feel good. Um, but is it coming from, uh, uh, is, is it coming from a place, or can, can you make sure that the healing is, is, is really happening alongside it?

    16. JSJay Shetty1:20:06

        Yeah. I think that's, I think that's a great note, is, and, and that applies to pretty much everything in life, is like-

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:10

        Mm

    18. JSJay Shetty1:20:10

        ... no one's saying you don't wanna go out and become successful and don't wanna have big dreams.

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:15

        Yeah.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:20:15

        It's just making sure you're doing the inner healing at the same time, so that, like you said, when you get there, you can actually experience it-

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:21

        Yeah

    22. JSJay Shetty1:20:21

        ... and feel it. And to be honest, one of the biggest things that all of this reminds me of, because of so many of anxiety disorders today and, and the challenges we have, is that there's this beautiful line from C.S. Lewis that I love, and he said that, "You don't have a soul. You are the soul, and you have a body."

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:37

        Mm.

    24. JSJay Shetty1:20:37

        And I love that because I think we live in such a physical world where the body is all we are.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:43

        Mm.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:20:44

        And the more spiritual work I've done and leaned into over the last two decades, the more I've realized that the more I think I'm the body, the less enough I feel.

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:53

        Yeah.

    28. JSJay Shetty1:20:54

        But the more I believe that I'm spirit and consciousness-

    29. RNRoxie Nafousi1:20:56

        Yeah

    30. JSJay Shetty1:20:56

        ... and soul and energy, the more-
21. 1:22:04 – 1:24:09

    The Importance of Celebrating Ourselves

    1. JSJay Shetty1:22:04

       because to me, I think the biggest difficulty, like you, when you were saying when you ask audiences, like, "Hey, do you, does any, is anyone here free of self-doubt?"

    2. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:12

       Yeah.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:22:12

       And no one puts up their hand. I often ask when I'm in a audience, "When was the last time you noticed and celebrated something good you did?"

    4. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:20

       Mm.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:22:20

       And no one will put their hand up.

    6. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:21

       Interesting.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:22:22

       Because we have such a discomfort.

    8. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:24

       Yes.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:22:24

       Think about people dealing with compliments.

    10. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:25

        Mm, yeah.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:22:26

        If someone compliments you, like, most of us don't know what to do with it.

    12. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:29

        Yeah.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:22:29

        And we shrink, and we just go away, and we, we kind of hide. Obviously, there's some narcissists who love being complimented, you know, like-

    14. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:35

        Yeah, yeah

    15. JSJay Shetty1:22:36

        ... kind of like the opposite, where it's like their ego gets full. But I think most of us just go, "Oh, thanks," like, "Yeah, cool." Like-

    16. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:42

        Yeah

    17. JSJay Shetty1:22:42

        ... "Oh, really?" Like-

    18. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:42

        Yeah

    19. JSJay Shetty1:22:42

        ... "Do you feel that way?" Like, we, we almost question it.

    20. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:45

        Mm-hmm.

    21. JSJay Shetty1:22:45

        Talk to me about why celebrating yourself is so important.

    22. RNRoxie Nafousi1:22:48

        Learning to celebrate who we are and all that we have to offer is such an important step of this confidence journey, and I think that to be able to do it, we first un- need to understand why we, so many of us struggle with it. Um, one of the reasons is that we've really glorified humility. So humility has become this thing that is a very desirable trait, that across cultures, being humble is something that we, that we really regard highly. Um, but most of us have just taken it way too far, so we become self-deprecating. We don't wanna accept compliments. We don't want to accept that perhaps it was our hard work that led to this result. In fact, we'll kind of bat it off as a team effort or say that it was just luck. And I know that, you know, for me, definitely, and I know lots of people listening, will have grown up with the evil eye in their culture, and the evil eye really kind of, like, hammered in this point. So the evil eye really, for me, my mom would always say that, you know, "Don't appear too happy, too successful, too good. Be humble always because if you're not humble, you will attract negativity. You will attract jealousy, and bad things will happen to you." And it would be to the point where, like, you know, when I got a new house, she'd put, like, a dirty shoe in the hallway, or she'd say to me, you know, when I had my

22. 1:24:09 – 1:27:45

    What’s the Difference Between Confidence and Arrogance

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:24:09

       s- son, Wolf, she'd say, "Don't let anyone look at him," you know, "Don't let anyone look at his face." Like, it was a genuine, like, fear of anything good, you know, of, uh, and that having this negative impact on your life. And so subconsciously, I think we come, we, we start forming these kind of, like, beliefs that, like, oh, God, like, if I'm seem happy, if I seem successful, if I celebrate myself in any way, something bad's gonna happen, or people are gonna be jealous, or people just aren't gonna like me. And so we start to really, like, stop celebrating ourselves 'cause of that. But another big reason is because, um, we have confused confidence with arrogance, and they are not the same thing.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:24:51

       Tell me the difference between confidence and arrogance.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:24:56

       Arrogance says, "I am the best," and confidence says, "I'm working to be the best that I can be."

    4. JSJay Shetty1:25:02

       Mm.

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:25:04

       And I think that we all know what it's like to be around somebody who is truly arrogant. You know, they can be demeaning, they undermine you, they make you feel small. It, it's not nice. And so of course you can understand why we don't wanna come across that way. But what people don't understand is that you can be confident in who you are without being arrogant. And in fact, if you're worried about being arrogant, you're not, because arrogant people aren't that self-aware. [laughs] And I think that we have, like, a c- collective, uh, responsibility to encourage each other to step into our most confident selves, and we can do that by giving each other permission to celebrate ourselves. You know, I think that culturally we, there is nothing more triggering to people than confidence. A confident person can really rub someone up the wrong way.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:25:58

       For sure.

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:25:59

       And we start saying, "They're so up themselves. They think s- who do they think they are?" We, we talk about each other in this way. And so imagine you're hearing this in conversation, then you're thinking, "God, I don't want people saying that about me, so I better not seem too confident. I might, better not accept praise. I better not celebrate or say this good thing that happened to me."

    8. JSJay Shetty1:26:17

       So interesting.

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:26:18

       I think, you know, we're giving, we're doing a disservice to each other. And so I really want to encourage people to celebrate themselves, to be able to accept praise, to be able to say thank you when someone compliments you, to be able to, like, say online if, you know, something good happened to your business or you got the promotion, or tell your friends, and let's celebrate each other with that and be like, "Yes." Because I personally feel so empowered when I see a confident person.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:26:44

        Mm-hmm.

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:26:44

        I love being around confident people because I feel like it gives me permission to be that way, too. And so I think, you know, it's something that is, is both a solo thing that we need to do ourselves, but also something that collectively we can help each other with.

    12. JSJay Shetty1:26:57

        Yeah, it's almost giving each other permission. Like, I think we all know the friend that you call when you're having a bad day.

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:05

        Mm.

    14. JSJay Shetty1:27:05

        But who's the friend that you can call when you're having a great day?

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:08

        Very different.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:27:09

        Yeah.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:09

        Yes

    18. JSJay Shetty1:27:09

        ... very different, and talk about your biggest win.

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:12

        Yes.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:27:13

        And a lot of us feel uncomfortable saying to someone, "Hey, I think I'm gonna go chase this new business I wanna start," because we're scared our friend's gonna say, "Why are you doing that?"

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:23

        Mm.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:27:23

        Like, "What's wrong with you?" Like, "Just be happy with what you have." Or your friend says to you like, "Oh, you know what? Like, I just got promoted at work. I wanna throw a party and whatever." And then you're scared to say that because you're scared that someone else is gonna feel-

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:34

        Yeah

    24. JSJay Shetty1:27:34

        ... that they're inferior or their life's not good.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:36

        Mm-hmm.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:27:37

        And there is, there is that in friendship. Like, in friendship you do care. You don't wanna make people feel inferior. You don't wanna make people feel upset. And at the same time you've

23. 1:27:45 – 1:29:51

    How to Make Self-Celebration a Daily Habit

    1. JSJay Shetty1:27:45

       gotta hold space for your-

    2. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:46

       Yeah

    3. JSJay Shetty1:27:46

       ... celebration, and I think if people could acknowledge every day something they got right, that would help with that heckler and that inner critic inside, because you're already doing the opposite anyway.

    4. RNRoxie Nafousi1:27:59

       Yes.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:27:59

       You're already coming up with a long list of everything you got wrong. I know when your head hits the pillow every night, you're thinking, "I should've done that at work, should've done that with my kid."

    6. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:08

       Mm.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:28:08

       "And I shouldn't have said that to my partner."

    8. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:09

       Mm.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:28:10

       So you've already got a list of things you're not doing, so you already are self-aware, and that's good 'cause you-

    10. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:13

        Yeah

    11. JSJay Shetty1:28:13

        ... wanna be arrogant.

    12. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:14

        Yeah. [laughs]

    13. JSJay Shetty1:28:15

        But there's a need to be like, "You know what? I nailed that presentation at work today. You know what? I actually was great in that meeting today. You know, I was really happy how I held my own-

    14. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:23

        Yes

    15. JSJay Shetty1:28:24

        ... in that difficult conversation with my friend, partner, whatever." Like, what would you consider people, what can people do practically every day or week or month?

    16. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:32

        Yeah.

    17. JSJay Shetty1:28:33

        Talk to me about celebrating yourself as a habit.

    18. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:35

        Yes.

    19. JSJay Shetty1:28:35

        Because I think we also wait for, like, the promotion-

    20. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:38

        Yeah, yeah

    21. JSJay Shetty1:28:39

        ... the wedding, and you know.

    22. RNRoxie Nafousi1:28:40

        Okay, so there's two things that I really love that are in this step. So one of them is just about celebrating the small wins. So like you said, it's, like, really noticing what are the small things that you did today that you can be proud of yourself for. When you're struggling to think, one of the things that I think people can always count on finding somewhere, where in your day did you react better than you would have five years ago?

    23. JSJay Shetty1:29:02

        That's a great question.

    24. RNRoxie Nafousi1:29:03

        You know? And I think sometimes I just think that is such a win. Like, do you know what? Like, a year ago, that would've really stressed me out. I can sit here now and say, "Two years ago I would've felt so nervous, and my win today is that I'm here and I'm enjoying it rather than being nervous." So that might be your win, your small win. Another thing that I love is celebrating your everyday qualities. So often we, when we think about what can we celebrate about ourselves, we think about the things that we would put on a CV. But I want you to not think about those things. I want you to think about, what are the things that make you so unique to you and the close people around you? So is it that you're able to make light of situations on a hard day? Is it that you are always the one that's arranging, you know,

24. 1:29:51 – 1:35:56

    Catch People Doing Things Right

    1. RNRoxie Nafousi1:29:51

       everyone's meetup? Um, is it that you're the one that gets everyone out the house on time? Is it that you're the one that always has a handbag filled with things so that when someone needs it, it's there? Are you the one that always brings the snacks? Are you the one that, you know, always gives really good advice to a friend and offers them a new perspective? What are your everyday qualities? And really, I want you to literally write down a list of them and think of it like your own personal CV, and recognize that all these amazing little things, these nuances, these quirks, these, um, all these things that you have to offer are what make you this multifaceted, magnificent, unique, wonderful human.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:30:32

       Yeah, I love that. I love that as a practice. It's, it's so needed. I, I feel like if we all noticed, if we all spent time noticing more good within ourselves, we'd notice more good within other people.

    3. RNRoxie Nafousi1:30:44

       Yes.

    4. JSJay Shetty1:30:44

       And we'd see more good happen in our work life, family home, because we're just training ourselves to see the good. The challenge is when we've trained ourselves to only see the bad, we see the bad in ourselves, we see the bad in everyone else. Someone the other day said this quote to me that I loved, and they said, "Catch people doing things right."

    5. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:04

       Mm.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:31:05

       ... catch people doing things right-

    7. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:06

       Yes

    8. JSJay Shetty1:31:06

       ... because we always feel like, "Oh, I got you. I saw you stealing. I saw you lying"

    9. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:10

       Yeah

    10. JSJay Shetty1:31:10

        ... "I saw you." But we don't catch people doing things right. And he said, "When you catch people doing things right, they'll do them again."

    11. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:17

        I love this.

    12. JSJay Shetty1:31:17

        "And they'll do them more." And so we've gotta learn to catch people-

    13. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:20

        Mm

    14. JSJay Shetty1:31:20

        ... doing things right because they are. There's- we're doing things right all the time.

    15. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:24

        Yeah.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:31:24

        Our friends are doing things right, our partners are doing things right, our kids are doing things right, but we never catch them doing th- something right. We only catch people doing things wrong.

    17. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:31

        Yeah.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:31:31

        You know?

    19. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:31

        You know what's really funny? 'Cause there's a, I can't remember the phenomenon that it is, but I write about it in the book, which is basically that our brains assume that other people think the way that we do.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:31:42

        Yes.

    21. RNRoxie Nafousi1:31:42

        And so one thing that I encourage people to do is really watch when you're judging other people and try to really re- like, change that judgment to compassion. Because if we do it less about other people, we will assume people are doing it less about us, and then we'll give ourselves more freedom to be who we wanna be.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:31:59

        Yeah. So well said. Everyone, the book is called CONFIDENCE: 8 Steps to Knowing Your Worth. We only touched on a couple of steps today, but I want you to read the book. Master your thoughts, act with intention, stop trying to be liked by everybody, break free from comparison, celebrate yourself, do hard things, be of service to others, show up as your best self. Roxie, as I've got to know you over the years and just, I remember when I got that DM from you in 2022, and we connected, and you came on to write MANIFEST, which I know has helped so many, you know, millions of people around the world, and then to see you write CONFIDENCE, but even just the way you showed up today in your vulnerability and in your confidence, uh, it- to me, that's a sign that you're someone who's doing the work and doing the hardest of it.

    23. RNRoxie Nafousi1:32:45

        Mm-hmm.

    24. JSJay Shetty1:32:46

        And a reminder to everyone who's listening and watching that, you know, y- you're all on your own journey, and the judgment that we are scared of facing from everyone else is really, really tough, and because of that, we don't often express who we truly are.

    25. RNRoxie Nafousi1:33:06

        Mm.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:33:07

        And who we truly are is this paradoxical, multifaceted, multilayered person, and when we allow people to be all of themselves and all of their experiences, we allow ourselves to be all of ourselves and all of our experiences rather than thinking we just have to be one thing.

    27. RNRoxie Nafousi1:33:23

        Mm-hmm.

    28. JSJay Shetty1:33:23

        And to me, I'm happy that you've shown us the real view of what confidence looks like, which is it's hard, it's messy, it's complicated, it's layered, and at the same time, it's something that we can all have while we experience all those emotions, so.

    29. RNRoxie Nafousi1:33:40

        Yeah.

    30. JSJay Shetty1:33:41

        Thank you, Roxie. Thank you so much, and-

Episode duration: 1:35:56