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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

#1 Divorce Lawyer: After 1000 Cases, Here’s the REAL Reason Marriages Fail (It’s NOT What You Think)

What do you need from a partner that you haven’t been getting? Today, Jay sits down with renowned divorce attorney and author James Sexton for a conversation that redefines what it means to love and be loved. With over twenty-five years spent guiding couples through heartbreak and separation, James has witnessed both the beauty and the brutality of human connection. They talk about how we’re taught to plan weddings rather than marriages, and why the most meaningful moments come from small, steady acts of care, not grand romantic gestures. Whether it’s remembering to replace a partner’s favorite granola or reaching for their hand without being asked, James shows that a strong marriage isn’t about avoiding conflict, but about staying close even in the uncomfortable moments. He reminds us that love isn't for the faint of heart. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Stay Connected in Love How to Keep the Spark Alive in Marriage How to Recognize When Disconnection Begins How to Argue Without Breaking the Bond How to Rebuild Trust After Betrayal How to Talk About Difficult Topics with Compassion How to Choose Courage Over Comfort in Relationships What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:29 The Real Reasons Marriages Fall Apart 02:39 Why Do We Still Get Married? 04:40 The Truth About the Wedding Industry 08:54 What Divorce Really Looks Like 13:16 The Hard Conversations Bring You Closer 15:44 What is the True Cause of Divorce? 22:48 The Power of Small Gestures in Love 28:52 Simple Ways to Appreciate Your Partner 32:09 How We Repeat Our Parents’ Patterns 38:41 Navigating Love After Having a Child 42:55 How to Reconnect with What Brought You Together 46:17 Why Does Asking For Love Feel Needy? 50:10 Designing the Ideal Contract for Modern Love 57:55 Understanding the Connection Between Desire and Disconnection 01:01:13 Commitment vs. Passion 01:07:07 How to Begin the Conversations You’ve Been Avoiding 01:11:47 The Lies We Tell Ourselves in Love 01:16:05 Should You Get a Prenup? 01:22:26 How to Bring Up The Prenup 01:29:45 Talk Through Your Anger, Don’t Act On It 01:31:18 Using Love As a Weapon 01:36:17 Should You Fight for It or Let Go? 01:42:59 How Parental Conflict Affects Children 01:48:59 Be the Calm Your Child Needs 01:59:09 The Real Problems Marriage Can’t Solve 02:02:52 Who Files For Divorce More: Men or Women? 02:07:46 How Divorce Impacts Men and Women Differently 02:13:39 James on Final Five Episode Resources: https://www.nycdivorces.com/ https://www.instagram.com/nycdivorcelawyer https://www.tiktok.com/@nycdivorce https://www.linkedin.com/in/james-j-sexton-805109b7/ https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty https://www.facebook.com/jayshetty/ https://x.com/jayshetty https://www.linkedin.com/in/shettyjay/ https://www.youtube.com/@JayShettyPodcast http://jayshetty.me

Jay ShettyhostJames Sextonguest
Nov 23, 20252h 27mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Divorce lawyer reveals marriage fails through disconnection, not dramatic betrayals

  1. James Sexton argues that the real driver of divorce is gradual disconnection from self and partner, not headline causes like cheating or money.
  2. He reframes marriage as brave but statistically risky, urging couples to treat “being married” like ongoing maintenance rather than a one-time wedding event.
  3. Small, consistent gestures (making your partner feel seen, appreciated, and anticipated) matter more than grand romantic displays in sustaining attachment.
  4. He proposes “contract-like” relationship habits—weekly structured check-ins, radically candid conversations, and non-defensive listening—to address problems while they are still small.
  5. Sexton normalizes prenups as inevitable rule-sets (either written by the couple or by the government) and positions them as a safety-and-clarity conversation rather than a sign of doubt.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Divorce often starts as disconnection long before any ‘big event.’

Sexton describes cheating and financial conflict as symptoms that appear after couples slowly stop being emotionally and practically connected; prevention means noticing the drift early and addressing it directly.

Feeling ‘seen’ is a daily requirement, not a milestone reward.

Partners become like the “couch you stop noticing,” so love erodes when gratitude and attention disappear; tiny acts (anticipating water, replacing a favorite item) can rebuild safety and closeness.

Hard conversations—done with care—create intimacy instead of damage.

He argues many fights are caused by negative framing (“you never…”) rather than the underlying longing (“I miss you”); re-parsing complaints into vulnerable needs reduces defensiveness and opens repair.

Make relationship maintenance explicit with a weekly check-in ritual.

His “modern love contract” includes a structured weekly conversation: one thing that felt loving, one thing that felt less loving, and one request for the coming week—turning closeness into a practiced skill.

Intimacy is broader than sex, but physical connection can’t be neglected.

Sexton calls sex and touch “glue” distinguishing spouses from roommates and warns that when couples avoid talking about desire changes, they often substitute “surrogates” (porn, emotional affairs, infidelity).

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Saying I do isn't saying I can. Like at best, it's saying I'll try.

— James Sexton

The number one marriage killer is disconnection.

— James Sexton

We lie to ourselves about those things so that we can sort of navigate a comfortable day-to-day reality. But long term, I think that is a very, very dangerous thing.

— James Sexton

If you're not scared, it's not brave. It's only brave if you're scared and you do it anyway.

— James Sexton

Everyone has a prenup. It's either one that's written by the government or it's one that's written by you and the person who you allege you love more than the other eight billion other options.

— James Sexton

Marriage/divorce statistics and why people remarryDisconnection and not feeling seenSmall gestures and everyday bids for lovePatterns learned from parents and family systemsDesire, intimacy, porn, and infidelity as symptomsConflict navigation and parsing complaints into needsPrenups as private rule-making vs government defaultsChildren, parental conflict, and co-parenting after divorceGender dynamics in filing for divorce and post-divorce outcomesWhen to keep fighting vs letting go

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