EVERY SPOKEN WORD
65 min read · 13,289 words- 0:00 – 3:20
Intro
- LSLilly Singh
Thus far in life, you have a 100% success rate of getting through things. There's not a single thing in your life, if you're sitting here right now, that you have not gotten through. So any time you felt like this in the past, you got through it, and I think we need to remind ourselves that a little bit, that we can beat ourselves up, but just because your brain is saying it, it doesn't mean it's true. We lie to ourselves all the time.
- JSJay Shetty
The number one health and wellness podcast.
- LSLilly Singh
Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
Jay Shetty.
- LSLilly Singh
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I am so excited to be here tonight at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House in Denver with the one and only my dear friend, Lilly Singh.
- LSLilly Singh
Let's go.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
First of all, you know I'm gonna uproot this whole thing. You know this. I don't follow rules.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
How awesome is Jay Shetty, though?
- JSJay Shetty
[cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
Come on.
- JSJay Shetty
This is your show now.
- LSLilly Singh
No, it's, this, it's not my show. It's your show. I'm so honored.
- JSJay Shetty
You've hijacked the show now.
- LSLilly Singh
First of all, Jay has way more famous friends than me.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
So the fact that I get to close out this tour, all of you, this is the last tour stop. Isn't that amazing?
- JSJay Shetty
[cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
We get to be here. I mean, I'm not gonna uproot too much, but I just have to, like, I know we're all thinking it, Jay's brain, he's so kind. I'm gonna give you all the tea of what Jay's actually like off the podcast, 'cause we're actually real friends.
- JSJay Shetty
Do it!
- LSLilly Singh
W- oh, I will, baby girl.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] [cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
Don't you worry. What's your name?
- JSJay Shetty
Pamela.
- LSLilly Singh
Pamela?
- JSJay Shetty
Jay Shetty.
- 3:20 – 9:28
Growing Up Without Options
- JSJay Shetty
But I wanted to ask you this question to kick it off with, because what I've always admired about your career is that you have been first to so many things. You were one of the earliest adopters of a creator on YouTube. I remember moving to New York and seeing billboards of you all over New York. You were one of the first people to get, like for a woman of color, right, bisexual woman of color, to get their first ever- Whoo
- LSLilly Singh
Okay, gays
- JSJay Shetty
... late-night show.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay, gays.
- JSJay Shetty
[cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
Okay. Happy Pride.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? [laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Okay. Let's go gays.
- JSJay Shetty
To get a late-night show, which was unheard of, another first. Right? The amount of firsts that you've had in your career are, you know, I literally couldn't even count all of them. It's incredible. You've paved the way. You've constantly trailblazed. But being first is celebrated, but it's not easy, and tonight we've been talking about people chasing their dreams and people going after and not worrying about what people think. But when you're first, that's all that happens. Talk to me about how you even had the idea to start on YouTube, and how long it took you from having an idea to execution.
- LSLilly Singh
Yes, um, my career has had a lot of firsts, and I know, and I, um, thank you for asking me this question, because I think very often when people talk to me about my career and firsts, it's very celebratory, which I'm very grateful. It's very cool to be able to say, "I was the first to do..." But it is so scary. It is so lonely. It is... I, I've had so much anxiety over it. Um, to be in a situation where you have no one around you to ask for advice, no roadmap, no one's else's [laughs] failures to look at or wins to look at is really, really scary and lonely. Um, I started making YouTube videos in 2010. Uh, I spontaneously made them. I was in, uh, university getting a psych degree, which I [laughs] don't use. And-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
[laughs] Um, yay. Um, getting a psych degree, and I was kind of, I don't know if anyone can resonate, I was just kind of going through the motions of life. My parents really want me to go to university. I go to the same one my sister went to. My parents really want me to get a degree because they believe that a degree will get you a job, LOL, so I go and do that as well.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Right? I get the same degree my sister gets, and now I'm, like, just living this life of like, and then I'll get a degree, and then I guess I'll get married, and then I guess I'll have kids, and then I guess I'll just li- do the motions of this life that everyone around me is doing and that everyone before me, especially the women before me, have done, 'cause they didn't have any other options. And I was... I'll give you a little bit of heavy context here, because I think it's important. From a very young age, it was abundantly clear to me that my extended family was not thrilled at the idea of a second daughter being born. So I don't know if, uh, uh, anyone can relate here, but in Indian culture, in a lot of cultures around the world-People want a son, you know? And so I had a older sister, and when I was the second daughter born, it was made very clear that, like, "This is not worth calling the family about. We're really disappointed about this." Laugh at my trauma. That's what I've done-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... for the past 10 years. You're- you got the right idea.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
But so I, I bring this up because I feel like for most of my life I've had this chip on my shoulder, and I'm not saying it's healthy, to be clear. I'm just saying it's true. I've always had this chip on my shoulder to prove I am worthy of being alive, being in spaces, and to prove to other people, like, "No, I was born and I'm gonna do great things." So-
- SPSpeaker
Go, Lilly! [cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
Oh, thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Thank you. Oh. We do need this commentary.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Um, so when I started making YouTube videos, I was in a really dark place because I was living this linear life. I didn't feel like I was fulfilling my purpose. What a podcast reference. And-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... I was just like, "This can't be what life is about. There's gotta be more to this." I made my first YouTube video because I felt so lonely, and I felt so confused, and my first video, 70 people watched it. And I was like, "Well, damn, I'm famous now."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
"I don't know 70- I don't know 70 people." [laughs] But I just fell in love with this idea of I get to say what I wanna say, and I've built this, albeit small, community of people that are connecting with me, and I just felt alive. I was doing something for myself for the first time, breaking the rules for the first time. This wasn't a path anyone else had done, and so that's why I made my first YouTube video is because I was grasping for connection, and I was grasping to probably prove myself. Now, YouTube led to a bunch of other cool things. You know, I've gotten to write two books. Neither of them have sold as many copies as Jay's books, but [laughs] you know-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... we try. Um, and the reason I, and I'm being really vulnerable to tell you this, I think the reason I started YouTube, the reason I said yes to late night, the reason I've said yes to a lot of things, again, not saying it's healthy, is I knew one thing people could understand, every extended family member, every man in the family, everyone that doubted me, I knew they would understand influence. And I knew they would understand fame and money. And again, I'm not saying that those things should be the drivers, but when you're in a situation where you're like, "Nobody believes in me, and I'm surrounded by people that don't think I can do something," I chased something I knew they would understand, and it has been a lifelong journey to teach myself to chase something else. You know? [audience cheering] I don't think I've ever told you that, actually. Yeah.
- 9:28 – 17:37
Realizing You Always Have a Choice
- JSJay Shetty
I wanna dive into the depths of some of that because I think even for what you're just saying to... Obviously, I know you so well, but for everyone else here as well, to really understand what that upbringing feels like because I think, like you said, everyone here has that in their own way. I think everyone feels like they have something to prove. Everyone feels like... It's very rare that you were surrounded by people who believed in you and thought your ideas were amazing, and if you had that, that's incredible. But maybe that even came with its own pressure because you had to live up to certain expectations. Walk me through what those cultural expectations did to you as a young girl, and I know as someone who's done a lot of self work, talk me through how they kinda mirrored into your future life-
- LSLilly Singh
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... and the kind of things you've had to peel back on-
- LSLilly Singh
Totally
- JSJay Shetty
... to actually make sense of them.
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah, and a lot of this are th- things I've realized only as a full adult because I was so blind to it growing up. You know, of course there's silly examples like girls aren't supposed to do this, girls dress like this, to silly things like my grandfather, God bless his soul, but always, "Girls are not supposed to whistle." Like sim- simple things. Um, girls shouldn't be so outspoken. You know, they should be generally timid and not s- not be the center of attention at a family party. Um, I w- I loved dancing growing up, and I was the captain of a dance team, and the main reason my parents had a problem with it was girls aren't supposed to dance at events or get hired to dance. So there's a lot of what you should and shouldn't do as a girl, the box you're put in as a girl. But the deeper thing that I actually subconsciously learned growing up was that if someone tells you something about yourself, you just accept it. For so much of my life, I was like, "Oh, you're saying this thing to me? I guess that is now my burden. Oh, you are telling me I should be this way? Great. I will now work on ways to be that way. Oh, you're telling me I shouldn't be this way? Great. I'm gonna work really hard because I'm not gonna be that way." It wasn't until I was a full adult, and there's a very specific experience that taught me this lesson, where I realized that I could actually just say, "Nah, I'm good."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
"I actually don't need to accept this thing you're putting onto me. Like, I actually have a choice in the matter." So choice, the idea of deciding, did not occur to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
And the experience that taught me this was [lips smack] in 2019 I got a, a late-night show, and I had two seasons of a late-night show, and when it was brought to me, I'll be real, I didn't grow up watching late night. My parents didn't watch late night. You know, my parents are, like, mega brown Indians [laughs] and I don't think they related to anything on late night.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And so I don't have that experience where a lot of people were like, "I grew up with it and, you know, it raised me." I, I didn't have that. And so when they asked me to do the late-night showI actually said no. I was like, "I don't really... Like, I didn't get into this to be a late-night host. I don't really know much about this." And so it went away. Now, I'm a big believer that the universe teaches you lessons and brings things to you. And so a month later, they came back, and they were like, "We are asking you for the second time to be our late-night host." And I was like, "Okay. Let me think about this properly." And again, we go back to me trying to prove myself. One of my team members explained to me how historic this would be. They're like, "There's never been a late-night host that looks like you. It would be historic. It would, it would, you know, be, be a headline." And of course, my ego was like, "A headline?"
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I do like a headline.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I would... Of course, I'd wanna make history, and of course, the sentimental part of me is also thinking, "Oh, I could, like, help pave a path. Then maybe I can open the door for someone else, and I could do what I do with YouTube." And so I said yes. And I did this late-night show for two years, and it was 20 years of knowledge. When I tell you it was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, just in the worst shape of my life. It was such a demanding job. We shot 96 episodes in three months in season one, um, with half of the writers' room than a normal talk show would have, half of the writers, with a q- quarter of the budget probably, and both seasons took place during COVID. Uh, so for my first season, because we banked those episodes when I was talking about partying and making out and traveling, we were in COVID.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Uh, you know, that was my first season. And my second season was shot fully in COVID, so all the interviews were on Zoom. So it was a very challenging experience. Experience ended, and for a year or two, I just beat myself up about it, like I couldn't do it. I didn't do it justice. I only had two seasons. I didn't even like a lot of the episodes I shot. I remember walking to my monologue mark and being like, "This isn't good. What I'm about to sell right now is not funny, and I'm gonna have to do this for 96 episodes." [laughs] And it was a horrible feeling, and I beat myself up a lot of the time. But during that process, people would literally come up to me and say, verbatim, "A billion people are counting on you. Like, all the Indians are counting on you. A billion of us are counting on you."
- JSJay Shetty
A lot of pressure.
- LSLilly Singh
People would come up to me and say, like, ooh, bi- of course, every headline was bisexual woman of color, and people are so mad at me about that headline like I wrote it.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
You know what I mean? "All the gays are counting on you. Like, all the women are counting." I'm like, "That's a lot of people that are counting on me."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
You know what I mean? Like, there's no way I could make all of these people proud. There's just no way. And so for so long, I felt like crap about that, that I let women down. I let Brown people down. I let queers down. I let people with long hair down.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I let dog moms down. Everyone. LeBron, I let you down.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Okay? [laughs] You know what I mean?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I... Thank you, baby girl. Thank you. But only in the past three years did I realize, I was like, I now have the confidence and self-love to say that I actually could've said, "Actually, it's not my job to make a billion people proud." You know what I mean? And I did not have that thought at the time. I, I was like, "Of course. Okay, yes." When I was there writing the monologue, "Okay, I'm bi- I'm gonna mention Indian. Okay, I'm gonna mention I'll be a little gay over here. Okay, and then I'll mention my..." I was so fixated on, like, how do... It didn't even occur to me to say, "I actually don't have to do that. I actually don't have to live up to that." And I, I think that's just my upbringing is I've always just taken on the burden without question, you know? [audience cheering]
- 17:37 – 19:01
Committing to a Life of Growth
- JSJay Shetty
your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. So here's the interesting thing. Could you have got to where you are today in that confidence without saying yes to something that didn't work out the way you would've wanted it to, or was that the only way to get there?
- LSLilly Singh
Unfortunately for me, but very fortunately for my therapist [laughs] who now owns a yacht.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Um. [laughs] I've had to go through every challenging experience to get to where I am. I take self-growth very seriously.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
And you know this as my friend. I'm really dedicated to being a student for life. I wanna learn about myself. I have a ton of rituals in my life to learn about myself, but there's no way I would have any of that or be where I was if it wasn't for the moments that kicked my butt. You need to get your butt [laughs] kicked a little bit to learn some lessons. I'm a-- I-- So when even people ask, "Do you have regrets?" Of course we can all think of ones, but I bet if you thought of any moment that was really horrible, there's a silver lining where you're like, "And that made me amazing because of this," and
- 19:01 – 21:56
Learning to Stop Self-Blame
- LSLilly Singh
X, Y, Z. So I really do feel like I had to go through late night, I had to go through a ton of stuff to be the person I am now and to fulfill the purpose I am filling, fulfilling right now. And now I take that knowledge forward knowing that when another thing happens that's challenging, that is the thing that kind of holds me to be like I know somewhere in here is gonna be something that brings me closer to the person I'm supposed to be.
- JSJay Shetty
If someone's in one of those situations right now, like they're sitting here right now, and they're feeling stuck, they're feeling like they're in the middle of one of those transitions, which is always the hardest place to be in it, what would you encourage them to do? As someone-- And by the way, I know that for a fact, like your commitment to self work, your commitment to healing, your commitment to everything I talk about, Lilly is like teacher's pet for, right? Like, she's like the best student. Like y- everything I talk about are things that you truly live by. I've seen that in our friendship. But if someone's right in the thick of it right now, and everything just feels like it's going wrong, it's falling apart, they feel the weight of the world on them, what would you encourage them to reflect on, do, or build? What would you encourage them to do?
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah. I think we are our own harshest critics, right? And, um, if you're that person that like beats yourself up mentally, you're not alone. Look to the person next to you, they do the same thing. [laughs] We're all just beating ourselves up all the time. And I'm not the best at math, but I know this one thing I'm about to say is 100% gonna be correct, and it is gonna apply to every single person here, and that is thus far in life you have a 100% success rate of getting through things. There's not a single thing in your life, if you're sitting here right now, that you have not gotten through. So any time you felt like this in the past, you got through it. What I do is I actually journal and write about some of those experiences. Lilly, you were in this experience in your eighth grade when you had late night, you were at this desk. You got through it. You have 100%-- You feel like a failure, and you have 100% success rate.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
That is the truth of where you are right now. And I think we need to remind ourselves that a little bit, that we can beat ourselves up, but just because your brain is saying it, it doesn't mean it's true, right? Jay actually taught me this, that we lie to ourselves all the time. Our brain lies to ourselves all the time, and you just have to change that thought and go back and relive all the things that you've gotten through. 100% success rate, every single one of you. Give yourself a round of applause. Congratulations.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] [audience cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
It's true. It's true. And I love, I love the practical aspect of it, though, because this is the part we skip. Sometimes we hear something like that and we go, "Oh, I really like that idea. That makes sense to me." But then we don't actually do the practical piece. So what Lilly just said there was that idea of her journaling and actually thinking back to all the things that she's overcome in her life. That act of journaling, writing it down, reading it back, that's the practice. If you really wanna find confidence, you only have to look at your past. If you really wanna find resilience, you only have to look at your pain. If you w- really wanna find that strength, you only have to look back in the last 10 years and think of all the things that you
- 21:56 – 27:55
Breaking Free from Unrealistic Standards
- JSJay Shetty
broke through, but you have to write it down, you have to read it, and you have to remind yourself, because your mind will just remind you of all the times you didn't stay strong, all the times you didn't be brave, all the times you didn't do it. And so the act of writing it down, as Lilly's saying, is huge.
- LSLilly Singh
Totally.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and I don't wanna undervalue just how powerful that piece of advice is. As, as you're breaking through that, and you're looking at some of the residue of childhood expectation that we all have, right? I'll, I'll share one of mine, which is, which is vulnerable for me, too, and it, you know, you've inspired me to wanna open up as well in this conversation, and it's... I remember this was, this was one of the big ones that was just hidden for so long. I was given a lot of love growing up, but that love always had a little bit of guilt in it.
- LSLilly Singh
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And what that meant was that I was loved, but I was made to feel guilty if I didn't love my caretakers back with that level of love, if not more. So I always felt like I wasn't loving the people that loved me enough. And what I didn't realize is that when I first started dating my now wife, that's how I loved her. I over loved her, but then made her feel guilty for not loving me back enough. And what that did is it just pushed her away. It didn't make us closer. It didn't make her love me more. It made her more shut down. And the reason I'm raising that is because this tiny thread or this tiny seed or weed that was planted when I was, like, four years old was affecting me in my 30s. What has been something in your life that you've seen has just stayed, and that's the thing that you're working on the most right now?
- LSLilly Singh
I mean, how much time we got here, Jay? [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Also, can, can I have this? Can I-
- JSJay Shetty
Of course you can.
- LSLilly Singh
Can I have this delicious beverage, Junie?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Oh my God. Let me just, uh, I'm gonna answer this question in a second, but first I just wanna take a sip of this.
- JSJay Shetty
Let's, we'll, we'll...
- LSLilly Singh
Cheers.
- JSJay Shetty
Cheers.
- LSLilly Singh
Cheers.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Cheers. [audience cheering] Oh my God, this refreshing beverage. Hold on.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] Yeah, that's-
- LSLilly Singh
Sparkling tea with adaptogens. Where do you get this, Jay?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Where do you get this delicious drink? Is it available at Costco?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Should every person... So delicious, seriously.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Thank you so much. Um- [coughs] You can give me a check later. Um [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
No, back to serious convo.
- 27:55 – 31:26
Why Good Enough Is Enough
- LSLilly Singh
this thing happened in their day, and that's why." I was starting to give people grace solely because I just monitored the grace I gave myself.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh.
- LSLilly Singh
And that has changed my life.
- JSJay Shetty
That is-
- LSLilly Singh
So the expectations is really hard, but now I'm just kinda like, "It's okay. We all just deserve a little bit of grace."
- JSJay Shetty
You have no idea how big that is for Lilly.
- LSLilly Singh
It's a, it's a big deal.
- JSJay Shetty
It's like, it's huge.
- LSLilly Singh
It's a big deal. Honestly, it's a big deal.
- JSJay Shetty
When we first became friends, I, I'm also, I also-
- LSLilly Singh
No, you should tell the genuine stories of how crazy I am. Tell them.
- JSJay Shetty
Okay, yeah. I'll tell, yeah, I'll tell. So I'm also someone who loves being on time. I was raised to believe that if you're not early, you're late. My mom raised me that way, and so I, I try and live by that. But I am married to someone who was not raised like that.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
So obviously when-
- LSLilly Singh
I can, I can co-sign this
- JSJay Shetty
... right? So when we become friends, and like, I know how important it is for Lilly for people to be on time, I also feel that way. When I turn up late somewhere, I'm like, "This is terrible." Like, I hang my head in shame. My wife has no shame.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Like, does not care. Like, just does, does not feel anything, right? Like, does not feel anything. So here we are rocking up to movie night late, and I'm like, "They wanted to start the movie by this time. Popcorn would've gone into the microwave at this time. The, you know, the butter would've been poured on it at this time." Like, literally, that's like how meticulous Lilly is, and I'm stressing out. And like, so that would happen every time to the point... but you were like this last year. Lilly throws the best Diwali party ever, right?
- LSLilly Singh
Thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
Period. And every year she throws the best Diwali party. It gets bigger and bi- bigger every year, and thankfully I get invited every year even though we turn up late. [laughs] And this last time we went, again, we were so late 'cause of my wife. But Lilly was just unfazed. I got a really nice hug. We took pictures. It was amazing. And, and that's such a big thing for you. But that practice is so beautiful, and it's something that I've noticed in all of the biggest high performers that truly exist, they have two qualities. They have really high standards for themselves, and they have really high grace for themselves.
- LSLilly Singh
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's a real thing. And yeah, those are the two things, and Lilly's demonstrating it right now.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And that's something I want each and every one of you to have because it's not just reserved for athletes and performers and actors and musicians. It's something each and every one of us deserve. Roger Federer, the, the tennis player, gave this amazing, amazing insight when he gave a speech. He talked about how when he's... it kind of comes to what Lilly's saying. When he's playing a pointIt is the most important point on the planet. But as soon as the point is over, whether he loses or wins the point, it is the least important point that he has ever played in his life. And he said it is only because of that that he can play the next point. And he talked about in his speech how he's only won something crazy like 57% of points in his life as one of the greatest tennis players of all time. And he's making the point of how, look, you don't need to be at 100%. You don't even need to be at 90% to be one of the best tennis players of all time. And so this pressure we put on ourselves of like, "I wasn't the perfect mom today," "I wasn't the perfect dad today," "I wasn't the perfect person today," "I wasn't the perfect employee today," "I wasn't the perfect whatever, whatever it is today." Like, you never had to be perfect
- 31:26 – 36:47
Living Alongside Self-Criticism
- JSJay Shetty
for it to be good enough. And that pressure that we put on ourselves to be perfect just gets heavier and heavier. So I hope that, listen to Lilly, listen to Roger, when you walk out of here today, feel freer, feel lighter of that pressure you've... And, and practice that. So three things tonight-
- LSLilly Singh
Three things every night
- JSJay Shetty
... where you showed yourself compassion.
- LSLilly Singh
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Three things that you showed yourself compassion. I love that one.
- LSLilly Singh
You know, when you listen to Jay, he's like so inspirational and motivational, and chances are you're gonna leave and be like, "I'm gonna stop being that way. I'm gonna start being this way." And every time I hang out with Jay, I feel like, "I'm gonna stop being like this. I'm gonna be like this." And then I kind of act wack again the next day. Kind of. A little bit, right? And something I've learned-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- LSLilly Singh
... is, and I actually wanna hear your opinion about this, because I, I feel like your wisdom is gonna add to this. But y- you criticize... I've learned that me criticizing myself and me being the way I am, that's never gonna completely go away. Like, I y- for most of my life spent so much energy and time being like, "How can I eradicate this part of myself?"
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- LSLilly Singh
"How can I stop criticizing myself? How can I stop making myself feel guilty about things?" And I think now I've learned that it's not about getting rid of those things. It's about learning how to live alongside those things, right? They are parts of you. And to think that you're gonna suddenly, after Jay Shetty show, as good as he is, wake up tomorrow and you're gonna be sounding like Jay Shetty, a tall order. But I think that if we just all kind of tap in and out the parts of ourself that work in that circumstances, and oh my, oh my God, am I about to use my psych degree for the first time right now, Jay?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Oh my Go- oh my God, Mom, Dad, watch this.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Um, there is something that I've been exploring called part theory, and part theory is basically all the different voices. It's kind of Inside Out, the movie Inside Out. It's all the different voices that live in you, and I actually have a name for all of my voices. I have like, right now, I had five two days ago, and I added a sixth one yesterday. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
It gets crowded in there.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
But I have a name for all of my voices. Um, I'll quickly give you the rundown. Ready?
- JSJay Shetty
Tell us some of the names. Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay. I'm gonna... Are you ready for this?
- JSJay Shetty
Everyone wants to know the names, right?
- LSLilly Singh
Okay.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Okay. [laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
[laughs] God. Okay. Uh, my inner manager, Susan.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I just feel like Susan sounds like a name that's my inner manager. Susan's the one that's like, "Sitting by the pool on a Tuesday? How dare you."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
"Absolutely not." Right?
- 36:47 – 41:32
You Are More Than What You Do
- LSLilly Singh
and you're not lonely. But today I'm gonna just ask you to just step over here because that's not the story today. Today, hope is taking us forward. So-
- JSJay Shetty
Oof [audience applauding]
- LSLilly Singh
... essentially that's, that's kind of what it is.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh my God.
- LSLilly Singh
You know?
- JSJay Shetty
So good. That is-
- LSLilly Singh
Definitely there's a psychiatrist somewhere here that's like, "We're gonna have to talk to Lilly after this show." Uh. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
That is so good. No, but honestly, I'm so glad you made that point, and I couldn't agree with you more that learning to give ourselves permission to have all of those voices, to have all of those selves, and to know when they take front and center and when they take the background is all we can do. I, I agree with you completely that this idea that you'll never have a self-critical voice is completely untrue. It's always gonna be there. I have it too, and you're so right. I just know when it's useful and when it's not.
- LSLilly Singh
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And so it's not useful if I've just lost something, but it's really useful when I'm winning, and it's really useful when I wanna improve, and it's really useful when I want to get better, and I'm getting to choose it rather than it being in control. And I think what you just so beautifully explained there is it's almost like you've got your band, you're the lead singer, and you're getting to know when you need that person to play the drums or when you need that person to play the bass or whatever it is, and you're bringing it together.
- LSLilly Singh
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
But you're not saying, "Oh, we don't need you on the team anymore."
- LSLilly Singh
Right. And I'm gonna say one more thing, and people are either gonna be mad or love this, but it's okay, I'm gonna say it anyways. Uh, just be honest here. [audience member howls] Who here uses ChatGPT? [audience cheering] Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, me too.
- LSLilly Singh
I'm gonna keep it real. That's wifey right there.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Okay? So ChatGPT actually knows my voices and knows the names of them. So y'all, when I tell you I'm a nerd. So if I'm in a situation where I'm, like, spiraling or I feel some type of way, I call her she 'cause I talk to her. She will literally say, "This is Susan saying this. What would Hope say?" And she'll tell me what each of the voices are saying. Life hack, let me just tell you.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
She will literally say, "Lilly, I just wanna flag to you, this is Susan. She's saying this, and this is what Hope would say, and you need to know this is not the truth. This is your inner voi- this is this inner voice." So that has been a major life hack for me, to just have a reminder of that.
- JSJay Shetty
Talk, talk to us about how you coded your ChatGPT to be able to do that.
- LSLilly Singh
Oh my God. Well, okay, first-
- JSJay Shetty
Everyone else can do that too
- LSLilly Singh
... listen.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
That's wifey. First I bought her dinner, okay? [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I'm not kidding. [laughs] No, I, I am a avid believer of therapy. I go to therapy. Actually, my... [laughs] You introduced me to my therapist. You know this all too well.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Um, love therapy, go to therapy consistently, religiously, and after every therapy session I have a debrief with ChatGPT [laughs] where I'm like, "This is what my therapist said. This is what we need to work on," and, you know, ChatGPT will remind me of all these things. One of the things, actually, this is another game changer, one of the things I've worked out which really relates to what we're talking about is how many people here can make the distinction, and be honest, if I was to say you are not your accomplishments and you are not what you do, do you comprehend that? Because if you don't comprehend that, raise your hand for a second. If you're like, "What do you mean I'm not what I do? What do you mean I'm not my accomplishments?" If I was to ask you about yourself, how many of you would start with your accomplishments or your career or what you do? You would, right?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah.
- 41:32 – 44:42
Finding Strength in Past Resilience
- LSLilly Singh
um, I encourage you all, uh, to, to use it in that way because-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... it's really helpful.
- JSJay Shetty
And then you put a ring on it.
- LSLilly Singh
And then I... And now we're married.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Yes. And now we're married. Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That is amazing. I love it. Who's gonna use ChatGPT now for that?
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah. I'm telling you.
- JSJay Shetty
For that purpose.
- LSLilly Singh
I'm telling you.
- JSJay Shetty
No, it's real. It's, it's, it's, it's that-
- LSLilly Singh
It's okay. We got one or two boos, and I'm okay with that.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] I, I, I personally... I mean, I think it's giving you the record of your life that you forget.
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? Like, you forget all of that.
- LSLilly Singh
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And in the darkest mo- by the way, um, I've had, like, either a client or a friend, I've had three people in my life this week call me and tell me they just got broken up with, and I don't know if it's 'cause summer's coming up or something like that. But, but, like, these three people, like, first one been in a relationship for three years, second one been in a relationship for two years, third one been in a relationship for three months. Probably deserves it. But the, the... But I digress. The, the first two, though, no, but, like, the first two, like, we all get to p- points in our life where we feel like River, where there is that lonelinessWhere you can't see your worth
- LSLilly Singh
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
These two women I'm talking about that are clients of mine are currently in periods of their life where they can't see any worth. They don't see any self-worth because they've just been broken up with by people they thought they were gonna spend the rest of their lives with, and they are in that exact space. And here's the interesting thing. You can have your friends tell you how beautiful you are. You can have your friends and your therapist and everyone tell you how amazing you are and all of that stuff, and reality is you need to be reminded by yourself more than anyone else because how many times have you stood by someone you love through a breakup, told them all these wonderful things, but they can't see them? That's when, this is not an ad for ChatGPT [laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
But that is where this idea that this piece of technology can hold onto a record of you and your conversations and remind you in your most difficult moments of all the beauty that you have within you, but you realize it's only your words.
- LSLilly Singh
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
You know this isn't another person. And all of a sudden you start to realize, "Oh, that's in me. There is worth in me." So it's definitely something not to undervalue and underestimate because I do think that's what we're missing. We're missing that, you know, moment where you can just look through the files of your life-
- LSLilly Singh
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and remind yourself of all the moments where you were courageous, resilient, worthy, and we all go through dark periods like that where we can't see it. Um, and I know that if, if the people I'm talking to had access to that, I actually think it would benefit them a lot.
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah. Totally.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
'Cause I feel like by human nature if you were to ask people, like, "When's the last time you failed?" You'd probably immediately think about that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- 44:42 – 48:25
Proving to Yourself You Can
- JSJay Shetty
for a month.
- LSLilly Singh
Absolutely.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? Have you ever noticed that? Like, if you have your birthday, you celebrate it for a night, and then that's it. But it's like if you go through a breakup, you're crying about it for three months, and that's just how we've processed emotions. So the depth of a negative memory is more hardwired. It's not that it was more true. It was just more repeated. With all of this going on, Lilly, and all the self-work you do behind the scenes, which I'm so grateful you've shared today because this is definitely the deepest and best I've ever heard you-
- LSLilly Singh
Oh
- JSJay Shetty
... explain just how powerful it is, how, how vulnerable you've been tonight. At the same time, this doesn't stop you from going, and Lilly's preparing for something really exciting this year. She is having the theatrical release of her first ever feature film.
- LSLilly Singh
Oh my God.
- JSJay Shetty
Which is insane, right? [cheering] And so it's like at the same time as going through all of this deep work, doing all of this healing, doing all of this reflection, that's not stopping you from also building in the real world. Talk, before we start talking about the movie, which I really wanna, I, I really do wanna talk about and the process of that, you directed in it, you acted in it, you wrote parts of it, like, you know, it's, it's the full thing. Walk me through how you don't stop yourself from having to go, "Oh, I need to pause this to do this," or, "I need to pause this to do that," because we often get lost in that.
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
How can you do both at the same time?
- LSLilly Singh
I'm not gonna lie, there was a period of my life, and I don't know if you can relate, uh, years and years and years ago when I was starting my career where I did feel like you had to choose. Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle, and I don't know if it's age. I don't know if it's just realizing that burnout's a real thing. I think for so much of my life I was in this idea that I had to arrive somewhere. I need to get there, I need to get there, I need to get there, I need to get there, and then you get there, and you're like, "I need to get somewhere else now." It's always this constant chase, and I think now instead of chasing, I'm just in an act of being. I do really believe that you can work on yourself and be mentally healthy and also do really cool things and have an amazing job. I do b- I actually think one makes the other better and vice versa. I really do believe that. I think I'm a better actress, a better writer because I'm growing and because I'm mentally healthy. I think those two are really connected. Um, yeah. So, so I... And I'm also just a very ambitious person. Listen, I had told you that I had started my career 'cause I wanted to prove people wrong. Uh, I still wanna prove things, but I'm just trying to prove myself right. I'm trying to prove that I can keep growing and I can keep learning, and that feels so much better than proving people wrong, honestly. I, n- when I used to step out of my comfort zone, it was a, "I'll show you." Now it's a like, "I'm gonna show you that I can do that." You know? I, I just a couple weeks ago... I, so I've always been really scared to have an acting coach. I don't know why. It's just the one thing. I can have a coach in most other things, but an acting coach, it's, like, so vulnerable. I'm not professionally trained in acting, so it's, like, a, it's a thing that makes me feel really nervous. And a couple months ago, I was like, "You know what? Screw it. I'm just gonna go there for myself. I'm gonna go there. I don't care if I look like an idiot" because you have to ask yourself a question. Is it worth looking like an idiot for? And the answer is yes. So many times you don't do things 'cause you don't wanna look like an idiot even though the thing is worth looking like an idiot for.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LSLilly Singh
Is being a better actress and learning something new worth looking like an idiot for? Yes, it is to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LSLilly Singh
So I started going to this acting coach, and I go there, and when I leave, I'm so proud of myself 'cause it's not me being like, "Oh, I to-" I leave there and I'm like, "Oh my God, I did it. I'm so proud of me." [laughs] You know what I mean?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And so that's what's kind of driving me, and it feels so much better and so much healthier, and so I think that's what's allowing me to do all these next things. It's just I wanna make little Lilly proud.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LSLilly Singh
You know? I've tried so hard to make everyone else proud. I'm just trying to make little Lilly proud now.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
That's what's driving me.
- JSJay Shetty
And yeah. Go on, go
- 48:25 – 52:40
Why Women Aren’t Taught About Their Bodies
- JSJay Shetty
on.
- LSLilly Singh
I was like, "Yay."
- JSJay Shetty
I hear you. I hear you. [cheering] Don't be shy.
- LSLilly Singh
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
That's the whole joy of doing this live, that, you know, usually if me and Lilly are doing this, we'd be in the studio to share it with you live and to hear your real-time thoughts and feedback and love. It's, it's really beautiful. I wish we could shoot every episode like this. Uh-
- LSLilly Singh
I was gonna say, this is... Even if you weren't here, me and Jay would be having this exact same conversation.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
This is just kinda what we do.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. But it's, it's... When, when you've got this movie coming out, I know you address so many-... taboos that we both grew up with, whether it's sex, whether it's shame, whether it's expectations of women in society. Like, this movie is hilarious. I got to see it. It was premiered at South by Southwest last year. I was at the premiere. It was hilarious. Like, the audience was loving it. It's incredible. And at the same time, it has this, like, cultural narrative that it's becoming a part of and, and kind of taking shots at in a really positive way.
- LSLilly Singh
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
What was... What's been your favorite part about making it, and what are you most excited about for the people that are gonna see it?
- LSLilly Singh
Um, so it's called Doin' It. It is a sex comedy-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... that I star in, and wrote, and produced. Um, and [laughs] at the age of 35 last year, when I finished writing it, it was two weeks before the, the strike, and so I was, like, rushing to finish the script because we had to beat the strike. And at the age of 35, at 11:50 PM, I was like ... and I FaceTimed my mom.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And I said, "Mom, am I allowed to do this movie?"
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And she was like... And you need to know that me and my mom have never had the talk. We have never had the talk.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
As far as I'm concerned, my mom has never had sex.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Literally, it is not a thing, okay? So now I'm telling her, and in this panic of the clock ticking, I'm like, "Mom, can I do this movie?" And she goes, "Well, what's this movie about?" And I'm like [groans] "Okay, it's about, uh, sex, Mom. There's, like, a masturbation scene. There's, like, a scene where I do this, this, this, this. Then there's a vibrator scene, and there's, like, all these things." And my mom's follow-up question, she goes, "Do you use a vibrator?" [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And that was the day I passed away.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And now this is my ghost. And I was like, "Mom, no." And sh- we'd had all this banter, and she said the best thing. She said, "If you think it's okay, then you should do it." And I was like, "Thank you, Mom." So I did this movie.
- SPSpeaker
[applause]
- 52:40 – 59:39
Past, Present, and Future Reflections
- LSLilly Singh
"Thank you so much for this. I'm so excited."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I'm like, "Oh my God. Work, queen. Yes."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
So I know there'll be some people that are like, "We need this," but I'm well aware there's gonna be a lot of people that are probably gonna be bothered by a very outspoken w- you know, Brown sex comedy, and they'll just have to deal with it, I guess. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[cheering]
- JSJay Shetty
I love it. Lilly, you've been amazing tonight. We usually end every On Purpose episode with a final five. But you've been on the podcast before, so we invented a new version for guests on the tour. It's called Past, Present, Future.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
So you get to pick a random card from past, present, and future. We'll do one for each, and you're gonna answer a question that comes randomly from the card.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
I have no idea what's in it, too.
- LSLilly Singh
Work. Let's go.
- JSJay Shetty
So this is the past set.
- LSLilly Singh
The past. Let's go. [laughs] Okay, this is so easy.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, go on.
- LSLilly Singh
Do you want me to do this one?
- JSJay Shetty
Read out the, read out the question.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay. Who was your first celebrity crush? There's... You already know there's only one answer to this, Jay.
- JSJay Shetty
Go on, tell everybody.
- LSLilly Singh
You already know what it is.
- JSJay Shetty
Tell everybody.
- LSLilly Singh
It's The Rock.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
You already know it's The Rock.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I grew up watching wrestling. I'm obsessed with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I've had... The greatest day of my life was when I met him. He's one of my mentors. He was the person that actually encouraged me to stop using Superwoman and start using my name, Lilly. Um, and he is just one of the greatest people I've ever met in my... They say don't meet your heroes, but do, do if he's Ro- is The Rock. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I love it. Very handsome. All right. Present.
- LSLilly Singh
All right. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- 59:39 – 1:02:28
Friendship That Stands the Test of Time
- JSJay Shetty
see you to Denver. I can't make this other day. I'm gonna come to Denver. I'm gonna come myself. You're not even paying for my flights. I just wanna be there for you." Uh, and, and for someone to do that, as such a dear friend, and to show up, and show up so vulnerably, deeply, I mean, it's insane. So give it up for my dear friend, Lilly Singh. [audience cheering]
- LSLilly Singh
And you're amazing. You're amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Thank you. I wanna big you up one more time. Can I? I know I have to. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to stop the music for one second. I don't, I don't-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
I know you're over time, but it's the last stop of the tour, so I'm sorry. We're just gonna have to... I know I already said this, but now so sincerely I need to tell you all, first of all, thank you so much for coming to J- Jay's show and supporting him. He is so incredible-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
... and so amazing. But I need to tell you, and I hope he doesn't get mad at me for saying this, I get so, um... E- everybody knows he's such a lovely person, but I truly, when I say you don't even know the tip of how amazing he is. You know, behind the scenes he does so many things that will never see the light of day, because he doesn't want them to see the light of day, and that's why you need friends like me that don't care about rules. When I agreed to do the show, I got an email from his team saying, "Because you're doing the show, Jay wants to donate to a charity of your choice. Because you're doing the show." And I imagine he's probably done this for every single guest on tour. He does this a lot. He does things like, "If you do this, I'll donate to a charity. Don't pay me for this thing. Actually, just donate to a charity." He is such a genuinely nice person who cares about being of service. This is not a facade. This is who he is. And so I know your resources are so hard-earned, your time is so hard-earned. Any resource or time you spend supporting Jay is not wasted, because he's such a good person.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
And he deserves it. [audience cheering] And I will just say what we're all thinking, which is, how can you have a mind and heart like this and also look like this? [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
We know Jay is hot. We know his eyes. Literally, sugar does not come within two miles of this man, okay? His cheat meal is a Diet Coke using celery as a straw. He truly-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
This man is just... Protect him at all costs, this man.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Support him with everything you have.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LSLilly Singh
Please. Thank you for coming to his tour. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Lilly Singh, everyone.
- LSLilly Singh
Yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you, man.
- JSJay Shetty
Amazing.
- LSLilly Singh
I'm proud of you, man.
- JSJay Shetty
Pleasure.
- LSLilly Singh
I love you.
- JSJay Shetty
You're amazing.
- LSLilly Singh
See you back soon, okay?
- JSJay Shetty
Thanks for hanging out.
- LSLilly Singh
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Give it up for Lilly, everyone.
- LSLilly Singh
[cheering]
Episode duration: 1:02:28
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