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Jay Shetty Podcast

#1 Parenting Psychologist: What Is Over-Parenting & Are You Doing It?

Today, Jay welcomes Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience.

Jay Shettyhost

Aug 19, 20241h 10mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Should Everyone Be a Parent? Reflecting Before You Begin
Jay Shetty opens by asking whether everyone should be a parent, and Aliza Pressman says no one can presume to answer that for others. They then discuss pausing to reflect before having children and the idea of a parenting mission statement.
- •Pressman says it's an assumption we shouldn't make that everyone wants children
- •Shetty compares parenthood to a conveyor belt with no exam or license
- •Reflecting on how we became who we are lets parents be intentional
- •Pressman links pre-parenthood reflection to secure attachment
Secure Attachment and Letting Go of Parental Guilt
Pressman explains that attachment relationships are dynamic and can be grown at any age. She says a parent's job is to be there rather than to fix, and that parental guilt often comes from feeling responsible for a child's constant happiness.
- •About 65% of people came from secure attachment relationships
- •Attachment can be strengthened with a 5-, 16- or 35-year-old
- •Parents' job is to be there, not to fix
- •Shame comes from feeling responsible for a child's constant happiness
- •Adults often assume everyone else knows what they're doing, but nobody does
Repair, Resilience, and Why Mistakes Strengthen Relationships
Pressman compares small ruptures in a relationship to muscle-building and says imperfect parenting builds resilience. Shetty adds that shaming yourself takes as much energy as shifting, and that self-criticism gets passed on to children.
- •Tiny moments of disrepair help build stronger relationships
- •Being perfect and fixing everything is actually worse for kids
- •Feelings are not dangerous, and helping a child through them is a gift
- •Shaming yourself takes the same energy as reflecting and changing
- •Children see and absorb parents' self-criticism
Overcorrecting: Gifts, Gaps, and Finding the Middle Path
Shetty raises how parents try to give their children what they lacked, and Pressman says we tend to overcorrect. She argues for a middle path where an important value doesn't crowd out other needs like boundaries.
- •Parents mirror the gifts and gaps from their own upbringing
- •Overcorrecting can make parents fear necessary limits and boundaries
- •Parents may be trying to heal themselves through their children
- •The answer is a middle path
Effective Reflection and the Parenting Mission Statement
Pressman describes a five-minute writing exercise: write the story your child would tell their grandchildren about you, circle recurring words, and use them as a mission statement. She suggests revisiting it yearly and asking older kids what they think your mission is.
- •Write for five minutes about who your child will describe you as
- •Circle repeated words to form a North Star
- •Check whether the way you act on a value is overcorrecting
- •Revisit the exercise regularly, about once a year
- •Ask older children what they think your mission statement is
Temperament: Orchids, Dandelions, and Goodness of Fit
After Shetty shares how his dad's absence at games shaped him, Pressman explains that temperament is real. She describes orchid and dandelion children and the research on goodness of fit between parent and child.
- •Siblings with the same parents can respond very differently
- •Dr. Thomas Boyce's orchid, dandelion, and tulip framework
- •Parents may need to attend some games without attending all
- •Reframe a child's sensitivity as a possible strength rather than a weakness
- •Parents can balance each other's temperaments
Communicating by Age: Fewer Words, Regulated Nervous Systems
Shetty asks how communication should change across ages. Pressman says young children respond to physical touch and a parent's calm nervous system more than to words, and that when you do use words they must be truthful.
- •In the first five years, physical communication matters most
- •Parents lend children their nervous system instead of telling them how to feel
- •The flight attendant example shows people read faces and body language
- •Mixed messages teach children not to trust their own read of people
- •Use fewer words, and tell the truth when you use them
Healthy Discipline and the Three Parenting Styles
Pressman defines discipline as teaching, summed up as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. She contrasts permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting and says the key is tolerating a child's displeasure with limits.
- •Discipline is teaching, not punishment
- •Limits serve emotional and physical safety, not parental control
- •Parents must be able to tolerate a child's negative reaction without changing course
- •Permissive parenting can lead to anxiety and depression
- •Authoritative parenting is the middle path between permissive and authoritarian
Adolescent Rebellion, Brain Development, and Needing to Reject
Shetty reflects on being an ungrateful teen, and Pressman maps that behavior onto brain development. She explains that adolescent pushing away and tension are part of being motivated to leave the nest.
- •Gratitude at 15 is unrealistic
- •The prefrontal cortex develops through the 20s
- •Adolescents are supposed to learn to reject as they prepare to leave home
- •Without tension at home, there would be less motivation to grow up
- •A reliably available parent gives a child confidence not to need to rely on them
Helping Kids Open Up: Be Askable, Be the Cat
Shetty asks how to help children who lack the words to explain a hard time. Pressman suggests building vocabulary and connection outside moments of struggle, saying "thank you for telling me", and being a dog to young children and a cat to teenagers.
- •Build language and connection when no one is in the heat of the moment
- •Side-by-side activities like driving or pickleball help kids talk
- •Thank children for telling you before any other reaction
- •Dog parenting for young kids, cat parenting for ages 11 to 25
- •Teens need a physically present parent but less verbal pressure
Talking About Social Media and Substances
Pressman says the most protective factor is ongoing conversation and relationship, combined with clear limits. She cautions against best-friend parenting and says teens need something to push against.
- •Start conversations about brain effects before the teen years
- •Pair a firm limit with a promise that the parent is the person to come to after a mistake
- •Letting teens drink at home isn't supported by the literature, she says
- •If a teen drinks, talk about moderation versus binge drinking
- •Teens need limits to push back on, adjusted to each child's temperament
Raising Confident Kids Through Competence and Skills
Shetty asks how to raise a confident child amid social media comparison. Pressman says competence builds confidence, not praise, and that skills, teaching others, and following a child's interests all help.
- •Competence builds confidence, not praise
- •Skills can be as simple as cooking or putting dishes away
- •Shetty describes how public speaking and drama classes built his confidence
- •Learning alongside your child models a growth mindset
- •Teaching what you know builds confidence, and kids' interests should lead
You Can Only Control Yourself
Shetty reflects on humility and releasing control in parenting. Pressman says accepting that we can only control ourselves lets parenting flourish, and that her work ends up focused on the adults.
- •Shetty names humility, releasing control, and accepting not knowing what's best
- •The thing we most want to control is the thing we can't
- •Accepting we can only control ourselves lets parenting flourish
- •Adults can work on themselves, so that is the best use of energy
Final Five and Closing
Shetty wraps the conversation and asks Pressman the Final Five questions. Her answers include the best advice, worst advice, a changed belief, a skill to build, and a law for everyone.
- •Best advice: all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not
- •Worst advice: you just want your kids to be happy
- •She used to believe she would be better as a parent
- •Build the one of the five principles that makes you most uncomfortable: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair
- •Her one law: hunt for the good

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