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Jay Shetty PodcastAshley Graham ON: How To Turn Insecurity Into MASSIVE CONFIDENCE | Jay Shetty
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Chapter summaries
Ashley’s turning point: success without self-worth
Ashley reflects on realizing at 18 that despite working and making good money, she felt deeply unhappy and was spiraling into self-hate. She frames this as the moment she recognized external success couldn’t create joy without internal wellbeing.
- •Ashley describes a “spiraling downfall” of hating who she was at 18
- •She contrasts earning well with feeling “really crappy” about herself
- •She notes that without self-worth, joy feels unreachable
Meeting Ashley and setting the conversation’s focus
Jay welcomes listeners and introduces Ashley Graham, highlighting her work and the show she hosts. They share how they met through events and mutual connections, setting a warm tone before diving into her journey.
- •Jay introduces the podcast and his intention to bring transformative guests
- •Jay introduces Ashley as a supermodel, body activist, designer, and host
- •They recount meeting through Ellen-related events and other run-ins
- •They discuss the Met Gala week and making time for lunch amid busyness
From moving constantly to being discovered at a mall
Ashley describes her upbringing across multiple states, shaped by parents who valued humility, hard work, and finishing what you start. She recounts being discovered as a teen at a mall, joining an agency through an expo-style program, and entering a world she didn’t yet understand.
- •Ashley explains her family moved often due to her dad’s work
- •Her parents emphasized humility, hard work, and follow-through
- •A scout approached her at a mall, launching her modeling path
- •She joined an agency after a modeling expo-style experience
- •She didn’t know fashion markers like Vogue or what “beautiful” meant yet
Two definitions of beauty: home values vs. industry demands
Ashley contrasts her mother’s confidence and emphasis on kindness with an industry that judged worth by appearance and measurements. She describes trying to conform to an ideal to feel ‘in’ and the subtle shift of changing personal beliefs to fit external expectations.
- •At home, Ashley learned her worth wasn’t tied to her exterior
- •Her mother modeled self-respect and avoided negative mirror talk
- •The modeling industry emphasized measurements and appearance over voice
- •Ashley felt pressure to conform to fit in and feel “cool” and accepted
- •She describes a “messy spiral” as beliefs shifted to meet industry ideals
Validation traps and the crisis at 18
Ashley explains how gaps in her understanding of sex, a strained relationship with her father, and industry criticism pushed her to seek worth in food, men, and gossip. She shares the moment she called her mother ready to quit modeling and leave New York.
- •Ashley says not understanding sex and self-worth contributed to her downfall
- •She describes criticism about weight, hair, eyes, and measurements
- •She sought validation through food, men, and gossip
- •At 18, she recognized she was spiraling into self-hate
- •She called her mother wanting to quit modeling and leave New York
A reset: community, celibacy, and affirmations that changed her self-talk
Ashley recounts how her mother urged her to keep going, return to church, and rebuild life outside the modeling bubble. She describes becoming celibate, finding community, and adopting affirmations—especially learning to say “I love you” to herself—with sustained inner and outer work.
- •Her mother told her her body would change someone’s life and to finish what she started
- •Ashley found a church community connected to her past and built friendships outside modeling
- •She describes stopping sex and becoming celibate during her reset
- •Her mother taught her that words have power and urged her to change her self-talk
- •Ashley shares her affirmations: bold, brilliant, beautiful, worthy, and “I love you” as the hardest
- •She emphasizes the change was gradual through dedicated inner and outer work
From rejection to voice: a banned lingerie commercial and using social media
Ashley describes a lingerie commercial being banned because of her size, which unexpectedly became a turning point in visibility. She explains how social media became a platform to tell the truth—sharing unretouched images—and how audience response reinforced the need for change and inclusion.
- •Ashley says a lingerie commercial was banned due to her size
- •The ban created public curiosity and shifted her career trajectory
- •She decided to use social media to tell her truth
- •She posted unretouched swimsuit/lingerie images and received strong reactions
- •Messages from women framed her posts as brave and confidence-giving
- •She recognized a broader demand for inclusive fashion beyond “plus-size” labeling
Building something new: spotting gaps, creating lingerie, and vision-boarding her future
Ashley explains she noticed a market gap in lingerie and decided to create a line for more women. She connects this shift to a moment with her husband when she realized she didn’t want to stay stuck, prompting a vision board and clearer goals.
- •Ashley recognized a market gap and decided to make lingerie for more body types
- •People knew her as a ‘lingerie girl’ even if they didn’t know her name
- •She describes a moment of self-reflection prompted by her husband’s question about her life direction
- •She made a vision board to clarify who she wanted to be and what she wanted
- •She suggests many industry shifts come from responding to opportunities rather than planning to ‘change the world’
Turning “no” into momentum: persistence, TED Talk, and collective strategy (Alda)
Ashley shares her mindset of treating “no” as “maybe,” knocking on many doors, and working hard to sustain success. She also describes finding her voice through a TED Talk and joining with other curvy models to create business proposals and move agencies together as a strategic push for change.
- •Ashley says she thinks of ‘nos’ as ‘maybes’ and turns maybes into yeses
- •She credits her parents’ work ethic and emphasizes working even harder at the top
- •She calls doing a TED Talk scary but important for having a voice
- •She describes a group called Alda with four other curvy models
- •They shared earnings, built proposals, and approached a major agency strategically
- •She emphasizes collaboration and the need for a team to create change
The envy lesson: losing a major cover opportunity and processing jealousy
Ashley tells a story about being passed over for an Italian Vogue cover and then watching her work slow down while others rose. She describes coping, feeling angry and jealous, and ultimately releasing it through a multi-day self-conversation that helped her accept it ‘wasn’t hers.’
- •Ashley describes being on hold for Italian Vogue and then not getting confirmed
- •She felt shaken, angry, and jealous and used food to cope in the moment
- •Her agent reassured her, but she says she soon stopped working as others gained momentum
- •She had a multi-day internal conversation about what the cover would have meant
- •She accepted it wasn’t meant for her and forgave herself for the anger
- •She frames it as a lesson in what she could handle at the time
Process over validation: identity beyond work and choosing not to live in anxiety
Ashley explains how she avoids tying her worth to career outcomes like covers and jobs. She grounds identity in who she is, her faith, daily actions, and her mission, saying that over-fixation on results would create constant anxiety.
- •Ashley says wrapping self-worth in any external thing leads to failure
- •She describes choosing confidence in who she is rather than letting the world define her
- •She notes many desired covers and jobs haven’t happened, but she won’t be consumed by that
- •She emphasizes making change now as more important than accolades
- •She explicitly says she chooses not to live in anxiety
Handling trolls with ‘teachable moments’ and modeling respectful self-advocacy
Ashley explains her approach to negative comments online: responding calmly, correcting misconceptions, and using the moment to educate. She wants younger viewers to see that standing up for yourself can be done politely, without returning ugliness.
- •Ashley says anger-back is a natural reaction but not helpful
- •She frames hateful comments as opportunities to teach and clarify
- •She gives an example of responding to ‘stop making fat look cool’ with facts and boundaries
- •She says she isn’t offended by the word ‘fat’ and reframes it
- •She emphasizes the commenter may already be hurting and also considers the younger audience watching
- •She prioritizes meaningful engagement over chasing likes
Marriage lessons: consistency, trust, and rules that protect the relationship
Ashley shares what she’s learned in nine years of marriage, highlighting consistency, putting a partner first, and aligning words with actions. She and Jay discuss relationship standards, conflict rules, and practical agreements like daily check-ins when apart and not going to bed angry.
- •Ashley says consistency builds trust and was central to falling in love with her husband
- •She describes learning to put her partner first, especially marrying at 22
- •She defines trust as actions matching words over time
- •She shares their rules: daily check-in when apart, not going over two weeks without seeing each other, and respect even during fights
- •Her grandmother’s advice: choose battles and handle disagreements without escalating
- •They emphasize not going to bed angry and keeping standards in relationships
Fearless, Pretty Big Deal, and what change in fashion still needs to happen
Ashley discusses her work with Ellen’s team on Fearless, describing moments where participants’ lives change dramatically. She also shares why she launched her podcast Pretty Big Deal to create a platform for voices, then closes by naming what progress she’s excited about in fashion and what she still wants to see shift toward inclusivity as the norm.
- •Ashley previews season two of Fearless and describes helping ‘underdogs’ step into opportunity
- •Jay recalls emotional moments from season one, including a participant meeting a trans person for the first time
- •Ashley explains she started Pretty Big Deal because models often aren’t given a voice and podcasts fit her generation’s habits
- •She lists favorite guests and says she loves celebrating other women doing meaningful work
- •Ashley says her goal is for inclusivity and diversity to become the norm so the conversation isn’t necessary
- •She wants to see more curves on runways and broader representation in campaigns
