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Jay Shetty Podcast

FBI Agent: The Secret Formula FBI Negotiators Use To Always Get What They Want

What's a simple negotiation trick you can try today? How can you get better at persuading others?

Chris VossguestJay Shettyhost

Aug 26, 20241h 36mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Negotiation myths, quick takes, and why it matters in everyday life
The episode opens with rapid-fire prompts about salary negotiation, women in negotiation, and negotiating with narcissists. Chris Voss also challenges common assumptions about who “counts” as a great negotiator, setting up the idea that effective negotiation often looks like calm collaboration.
- •Chris Voss frames negotiation as relevant to topics like salary discussions and difficult personalities.
- •He argues that people often fail to recognize great negotiators because their skill can be “invisible.”
- •He cites Oprah Winfrey as an example of someone he considers a great negotiator.
- •Jay Shetty tees up questions about women negotiating and negotiating with narcissists.
From SWAT to crisis negotiation: how Voss became a lead negotiator
Chris Voss explains how an injury redirected him from SWAT toward negotiation while keeping him in crisis response. He describes being initially rejected and then told to gain experience by volunteering on a suicide hotline, where he discovered the power of empathy-driven conversations.
- •He shares that he wanted to stay in crisis response after re-injuring his knee.
- •He describes being rejected for the negotiation team and being told to volunteer on a suicide hotline.
- •He says he volunteered primarily to learn, and found the process fascinating.
- •He credits empathy and emotional intelligence with accelerating positive outcomes.
Inside suicide hotline calls: voice, calm, and the power of labeling emotions
Voss walks through what suicide hotline conversations can sound like and why tone matters. He introduces “labeling” (calling out emotions you hear) and describes how labeling negative emotions can quickly reduce intensity and help someone regain steadiness.
- •He describes using a calming “late night FM DJ voice” to soothe callers.
- •He explains emotion labeling (now called “labeling” in his work) as a core tool.
- •He says simply calling out a negative emotion can deactivate it and help someone calm down.
- •He shares an example where labeling “frantic,” then reinforcing positives like “close family” and “determined,” changed the caller’s state.
Why negotiation isn’t conflict: personality types and “invisible” excellence
Jay Shetty raises the common fear that negotiation equals conflict, and Voss explains why many people avoid it. He introduces three broad conflict styles and argues that great negotiation is often misread because it looks like smooth collaboration rather than loud confrontation.
- •He describes three types: fight/flight/make friends (assertive/analyst/accommodator).
- •He explains why analysts and accommodators tend to avoid conflict, while assertives may seek it.
- •He argues the stereotype of negotiation is overly aggressive and misses what works.
- •He reframes negotiation as long-term collaboration where both sides are “ecstatic.”
- •He reiterates that standout negotiation skill can be hard to notice because it doesn’t look combative.
Forcing collaboration without fighting back: perspective-taking and “That’s right” moments
Voss explains how to move hostile or polarized conversations toward collaboration without matching aggression. He shares a story about pitching a counterterrorism leader on the idea of speaking in a way that triggers curiosity, plus examples of requiring people to accurately summarize the other side before arguing.
- •He describes using surprise and curiosity to pull someone into a collaborative mode.
- •He says recognizing the other side’s justification (without agreeing) reduces escalation.
- •He describes hosting a conversation where participants had to summarize the other side until they heard “That’s right.”
- •He shares a business example where this approach helped resolve conflict between two executives quickly and emotionally.
- •Jay notes modern life encourages reading someone else’s simplified “summary” rather than understanding complexity directly.
How to slow down in a noisy world: agitators, positivity, and unseen rewards
After a sponsor break, the discussion shifts to why people struggle to slow down and practice these skills. Voss argues there are few good models for calm, understanding-based communication, while “professional agitators” dominate attention, and he notes the rewards for de-escalation are often invisible and internal.
- •He says people often don’t practice these skills because they rarely see them modeled effectively.
- •He defines “professional agitators” as click-driven negativity and agitation, and says it’s profitable short-term.
- •He argues a small number of agitators can derail otherwise peaceful dynamics.
- •He says rapport-based approaches can move outcomes dramatically faster, but people don’t notice it happened.
- •He emphasizes the payoff is speed and quality of outcome, not external praise in the moment.
Preparing for negotiation: summarize their view, shift your mindset, and invite “no”
Jay asks how to prepare, and Voss outlines a preparation routine centered on understanding the other side’s perspective and managing your own emotional frame. He introduces gratitude as a way to reset negativity and explains why “no-oriented” questions can reduce defensiveness and produce better collaboration.
- •He says preparation starts with planning how to summarize the other side’s perspective.
- •He describes using gratitude (and related practices) to move into a more constructive mindset.
- •He recommends converting “yes” questions into “no” questions to avoid triggering suspicion.
- •He explains people often feel trapped saying “yes,” while saying “no” can feel safe and protective.
- •He gives examples of phrasing that invites critique and creates more honest collaboration.
Biggest mistakes and better sequencing: listen first, then pitch
Voss identifies common errors people make when walking into a negotiation, especially leading with a pitch before the other side feels heard. He explains that sequencing matters: start by learning what’s important to the other person so you can align priorities and reduce resistance.
- •He says many people start with yes/no questions and then rush into a value pitch.
- •He argues this is “out of order” because the other side is preoccupied with what they want to say.
- •He recommends hearing the other side out first to gather information and lower friction.
- •He frames this as both practical (better data) and relational (making the other person feel understood).
- •He suggests alignment is easier when you know what’s high priority for them versus you.
Reading ‘irrational’ behavior: look for patterns, label pressure, and de-escalate attacks
Jay asks how to deal with people who seem incoherent or toxic, and Voss suggests dropping the judgment of “rational vs irrational” to focus on patterns. He shares an example of a tense business negotiation where a simple label—recognizing the other person’s pressure—shifted the entire interaction.
- •He recommends letting go of judging rationality and instead searching for behavioral patterns.
- •He notes truly unpredictable cases are rare compared to ordinary emotional overload or pressure.
- •He says negative emotion can create confusion, and labeling can help clear thinking.
- •He recounts a deal scenario where reading the contract aloud escalated conflict, while withdrawing calmly helped.
- •He describes how labeling “it sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure” caused the other party to relax and explain what was happening.
Negotiating with narcissists and setting boundaries: when to try—and when to end it
Voss says you can negotiate with a narcissist by making what you want part of their path to what they want. He also emphasizes that repetitive harmful behavior is a warning sign, and describes polite but firm boundary setting—and ending a relationship if boundaries are ignored.
- •He says negotiating with a narcissist requires aligning your ask with their self-focused goal.
- •He emphasizes deciding whether you want to negotiate with someone like that in the first place.
- •He describes boundary setting as gentle, polite, and firm rather than aggressive.
- •He suggests testing boundaries: if the person respects them, the relationship may improve; if not, it previews the future.
- •He frames leaving harmful dynamics as part of becoming “smarter today than you were yesterday.”
The illusion of control and the role of intention: tools are neutral
Jay raises the desire many people have to control outcomes, and Voss reframes effective negotiation as giving the other side the illusion of control. He stresses that the same tools can be used ethically or manipulatively, and argues that intention is detectable in how you use techniques like mirroring and tactical empathy.
- •He calls “the secret” giving the other side the illusion of control rather than trying to control them outright.
- •He argues control is inefficient because it requires constant oversight, while empowerment scales influence.
- •He says negotiation tools are neutral and compares them to a scalpel depending on the user’s intention.
- •He contrasts collaborative intention with exploitative mindsets like “your money’s in their pocket.”
- •He suggests reframing conflict into a long-term shared future to shift the tone of the conversation.
Negotiating salary and promotions: focus on the future, not just past performance
Voss role-plays how to negotiate a better salary by tying your request to the organization’s strategic future. He also addresses what to do when a promised promotion or raise doesn’t materialize, including a direct, no-oriented question that forces leadership to confront the consequences of breaking commitments.
- •He suggests asking: how you can be guaranteed involvement in projects critical to the organization’s strategic future.
- •He says many bosses view past performance as already compensated (“we’re even”) and focus on the future.
- •He frames the strongest positioning as being a team player who wants high-impact, high-profile work.
- •He says negotiation methods don’t work 100% of the time and describes “seven percenters” as inevitable non-deals in general.
- •He outlines confronting broken promises with empathy first, then clear reality: if it’s impossible to stay, how are you supposed to stay?
Women negotiating and the meaning of an unfair deal: culture, values, and leaving bad systems
Jay asks what women can do better in negotiation, and Voss responds by focusing on culture and core values. He argues that paying talent less due to gender reflects a bad value system and advises preparing to move on while building a track record of impact.
- •He compares staying in a workplace that underpays women to staying in a harmful relationship.
- •He calls paying talent less than they’re worth a sign of bad core values and culture.
- •He suggests focusing negotiations on how to contribute to success and what it takes to be successful there.
- •He emphasizes building accomplishments that make you more employable elsewhere.
- •He adds that in his experience women often pick up these negotiation skills faster, while top performance is gender-agnostic.
Spotting no-deal counterparts and avoiding ‘half’ clients: proof of life, pricing, and walking away
Voss explains how often people negotiate without intending to make a deal and describes using “proof of life” thinking to test whether a real deal exists. He then shares a framework for avoiding discount-driven, high-friction clients—favoring “easy, lucrative, and fun” relationships over “hard, annoying, lame, and frustrating” ones.
- •He says it surprised him how common it is in business for the other side to have no intention of closing.
- •He describes “proof of life”: is there a deal, and is the deal actually with you?
- •He warns about counterparts seeking free consulting and dangling future prosperity to extract information.
- •He introduces the “halves vs ELFs” framework: hard/annoying/lame/frustrating vs easy/lucrative/fun.
- •He explains halves take far more time, often don’t repeat business, and block better-fit clients from reaching you.
Negotiating in relationships: calibrated questions, emotion management, and forced empathy
The conversation moves from work to dating and long-term relationships, especially when early over-delivery turns into later withdrawal. Voss recommends polite boundary setting, calibrated “how/what” questions, and the phrase “How am I supposed to do that?” as a way to force empathy and reveal whether the other person cares.
- •He suggests using “how” and “what” questions to uncover problems and generate solutions while keeping the other person engaged.
- •He describes “How am I supposed to do that?” as both a way to signal a problem and a tool for forced empathy.
- •He says if the other person responds with indifference, it previews a declining future and forces a hard decision.
- •He advises using a neutral friend as a sounding board (not an advice-giver) to reduce emotional charge.
- •He recommends naming emotional dynamics upfront (e.g., “I’m going to sound like I’m complaining”) rather than denying them.

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