How To Destroy Your NEGATIVE THOUGHTS & Achieve Anything You Want | Lilly Singh

1. 0:00 – 4:20

   Intro

   1. LSLilly Singh0:00

      My parents, this was not the thing they grew up with. Like I said, their concerns growing up were, "We have to make it. We have to provide for our kids." And I know that any concern, and I know this in my heart, I didn't know it in that moment sitting in my room, but I know it now, any concerns they might have expressed were not because they didn't love me or they wanted me to be unhappy. It's because in their understanding, they wanted to protect me from the world.

   2. JSJay Shetty0:24

      [upbeat music] Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's guest is one of the few select guests that are on the podcast twice. She was in our first three episodes of all time on On Purpose. It is my dear friend, uh, the incredibly talented, the multifaceted entertainer, actress, producer, writer, and creator, a leading force in the digital world. She has amassed a global audience, get this, of over 38 million followers across her social media channels, where she writes, directs, produces, and stars in comedic and inspirational videos. Currently, Lilly can be seen in the second season of Hulu's comedy, Dollface, and if you haven't seen it, highly recommend it, where she will play Liv, a queer bar owner with a confident sense of humor, kind of like her, opposite Shay Mitchell. This coming April 2022, she's going to be part of the star-studded ensemble cast for the Dreamworks Animation action comedy, Bad Guys. On April 5th, Lilly will release her second book, and this is what we're gonna talk about today, and if you haven't already, I want you to head over to the comments and the link section and the caption and order this book even before this podcast, 'cause it's gonna be epic. Be a Triangle: How I Went from Being Lost to Getting My Life into Shape, following her New York Times bestselling book, How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Surviving and Conquering Life. Now, Lilly is a dear friend. I know her deeply. I spent all of my, uh, COVID nights spending Catan with her, listening to music, her beating me at ping pong, and we just bonded so much. Lilly Singh in the house. Lilly, thank you for being here.

   3. LSLilly Singh2:24

      I'm thrilled to be... I could watch you all day long.

   4. JSJay Shetty2:27

      Oh, man.

   5. LSLilly Singh2:27

      The smile on my face, because like we said, we're friends-

   6. JSJay Shetty2:29

      Yeah

   7. LSLilly Singh2:29

      ... but when I see you do all this, I'm just like, "I could watch you forever."

   8. JSJay Shetty2:34

      Well-

   9. LSLilly Singh2:34

      Thank you for having me

   10. JSJay Shetty2:35

       ... well, I could read your glories forever.

   11. LSLilly Singh2:37

       [laughs] Oh my God, stop. You're-

   12. JSJay Shetty2:38

       Like, I'm like, looking at that, I'm like, how... You know, I think we share this in common, but when I look at how hard you work, and I know how much effort you've put in to serving humanity, to inspiring people, to building what you're doing to show young girls all over the world what's possible, and young people all over the world, and a younger me all over the world too, I'm just amazed. And what I love about you most is that when we are together, you're the sweetest, kindest, most hospitable, just... I want everyone to know-

   13. LSLilly Singh3:06

       [laughs]

   14. JSJay Shetty3:07

       ... Lilly is amazing at table placements.

   15. LSLilly Singh3:09

       Oh my gosh.

   16. JSJay Shetty3:09

       So [laughs]

   17. LSLilly Singh3:09

       Thank you for saying that. Oh my God, that's a wrap. We're good here. Yes. A lot of people don't know this, but I'm a huge nerd. If I could quit my job and do anything, I would just want to set tables for the rest of my life.

   18. JSJay Shetty3:18

       You, you're the most hospitable human.

   19. LSLilly Singh3:19

       [laughs]

   20. JSJay Shetty3:19

       Like, I come to your house and I'm just like, "Wow, this is amazing."

   21. LSLilly Singh3:22

       Absolutely.

   22. JSJay Shetty3:22

       Like, the handkerchief, like, choice, where it's placed.

   23. LSLilly Singh3:24

       Yep. Yep.

   24. JSJay Shetty3:25

       The, anyway.

   25. LSLilly Singh3:25

       Please know I steam the napkins before you get served. I, so this is all-

   26. JSJay Shetty3:28

       [laughs]

   27. LSLilly Singh3:28

       It's all or nothing. It's all or nothing. [laughs]

   28. JSJay Shetty3:31

       But I love it, because we're talking about your book today.

   29. LSLilly Singh3:32

       Yes.

   30. JSJay Shetty3:33

       Be a Triangle.
2. 4:20 – 7:35

   Be a Triangle

   1. JSJay Shetty4:20

      like, what does it mean to be a triangle? Let's start there.

   2. LSLilly Singh4:22

      Yes. I was also called square, and then during COVID I turned into a circle.

   3. JSJay Shetty4:26

      [laughs]

   4. LSLilly Singh4:26

      And now I've decided [laughs] that my, my shape is triangle. Well, you know, it's interesting you bring this up, because, and I'll tell you, explain the title in a second, but I actually had to fight for this title.

   5. JSJay Shetty4:35

      Mm.

   6. LSLilly Singh4:35

      Because when I had sent the email to my team being like, "I know this is not immediately understandable, but no other title will suffice. It has to be Be a Triangle." And the response I got was, "It's kinda confusing." And I was like, "No." I stuck to my guns, and I'm so happy I did, because it is what the book is about, you know? The book is about me really coming to terms with the fact that although I've done a lot of cool things in my life, you know, you rattled off a few in the intro, and although I'm on my fourth vision board, I think during COVID I really had a moment when everything went away, and I had no events and I had nothing. It's not that I was like, "Oh, I'm a workaholic, and now I'm bored." It was deeper than that. It was that, "Oh, I don't think I have any value right now. Like, I can't measure myself in any way because I don't have events and I don't have work, and so I'm just kind of floating in space, unsure of what to do or how to think of myself or how to think of life right now." And I realize that's because work was the only thing I associated value with. You know?

   7. JSJay Shetty5:36

      Mm-hmm.

   8. LSLilly Singh5:36

      I never really thought about, well, what kind of person do you wanna be? And if you accomplish all the things on your vision board, how should that make you feel? And how come you don't feel that way right now? And so I got to thinking, and the root of it was that I never had a solid foundation of just what my belief system is. You know, what do I want my values to be? Where do I wanna be, not just professionally, but spiritually, mentally? W- what do I really care about and what's important? And that's all about building foundation.

   9. JSJay Shetty6:04

      Mm-hmm.

   10. LSLilly Singh6:04

       Now, one of the strongest structural shapes on the planet is a triangle.

   11. JSJay Shetty6:08

       [laughs]

   12. LSLilly Singh6:08

       And so I thought, "I need to be a triangle. I need to bring, build a strong foundation for myself so that all of my life experiences and everything from this moment on I can put on top of this strong foundation."

   13. JSJay Shetty6:19

       That is perfect.

   14. LSLilly Singh6:20

       Mm-hmm.

   15. JSJay Shetty6:20

       And I love that you stuck to your guns-

   16. LSLilly Singh6:22

       Yes

   17. JSJay Shetty6:22

       ... to asking the title to-

   18. LSLilly Singh6:22

       I know. The publishers were like, "What are you talking about? Be a what?" And I was like, "W- be a triangle. It's gotta, it's gotta be this." [laughs]

   19. JSJay Shetty6:28

       So I, I went through th- a similar thing that when I wrote the title Think Like a Monk-

   20. LSLilly Singh6:32

       Mm-hmm

   21. JSJay Shetty6:32

       ... and that was always the title-

   22. LSLilly Singh6:33

       Mm-hmm

   23. JSJay Shetty6:33

       ... that I wanted for my first book.

   24. LSLilly Singh6:34

       Great title.

   25. JSJay Shetty6:35

       And 14 out of 17 imprints that heard that title said that I should change it.

   26. LSLilly Singh6:42

       Really?

   27. JSJay Shetty6:42

       Because they didn't want me to have that as the title.

   28. LSLilly Singh6:43

       That's a great title.

   29. JSJay Shetty6:44

       But they said, they said to me, they said, "Well, who wants to think like a monk? People don't even know what monks are."

   30. LSLilly Singh6:49

       Mm.
3. 7:35 – 12:02

   Another way of contributing to the world

   1. LSLilly Singh7:35

      Mm-hmm.

   2. JSJay Shetty7:35

      Where do you think we learned to ascribe our value to anything in life? Like, you said you saw work as your value.

   3. LSLilly Singh7:42

      Mm-hmm.

   4. JSJay Shetty7:43

      What are some of those other values that people ascribe to, and where do you think we develop them?

   5. LSLilly Singh7:47

      I mean, I think there's a, a few ways, and I can only speak to me dissecting my own life.

   6. JSJay Shetty7:50

      Of course.

   7. LSLilly Singh7:51

      I think for me a lot of it is definitely cultural, I mean you can probably relate to this, us both being South Asian, is that my family and my community, they really do value a degree. We live in a time right now where, and I'm not trying to bash school, but I don't know a single person using their degree right now. That doesn't matter to my parents. A degree is the save all, end all. You need the degree or else you are not educated. [laughs]

   8. JSJay Shetty8:14

      Mm-hmm.

   9. LSLilly Singh8:14

      You know, you have to establish a family, you have to get married, you have to have kids because you have to keep the family name going. You have to contribute back to the world through kids, because they are not used to another way of contributing to the world.

   10. JSJay Shetty8:27

       Mm-hmm.

   11. LSLilly Singh8:27

       Their understanding is that you contribute to the world through having kids and making the world progress. See, I for a long time, and this is where I get really real, is for a long time I think I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder when I thought of my parents and I thought of my culture, because I thought, "You guys only have one way of doing things. Like, I do things different. I'm from a different time and place." But that was really unfair of me, because I never took the time to understand, well, why are my parents actually like this?

   12. JSJay Shetty8:54

       Hmm.

   13. LSLilly Singh8:54

       You know, is it just that they're older? Is it just that they were born in India? So through the work of my therapist, and honestly through writing this book, I was like, you know, it's actually a lot to do with generational trauma. It's about my parents were born in Punjab, India. They didn't have the luxury of being like, "Today I'm gonna care about my mental health. Today I'm gonna contribute-

   14. JSJay Shetty9:15

       Yeah

   15. LSLilly Singh9:15

       ... to the world by making a YouTube video and motivating people." They were like, "Hey, we're in a country with a billion people. There's limited resources. We need to problem solve every day. We need to survive every day. The things that matter are family, sticking together, survival, education, getting a good job, money, food on the table." And now I've taken the tools that they have taught me, and I'm trying to use them in a time and place-

   16. JSJay Shetty9:37

       Yeah

   17. LSLilly Singh9:37

       ... that is not that time and place.

   18. JSJay Shetty9:39

       Yeah. Yeah.

   19. LSLilly Singh9:39

       So that's where I think it comes from, and I talk about in the book that in school when you look back, you're measured by grades, and in work you're measured by promotions and salaries, and that's how you measure growth and success. But as a kid it was never like, "Hey, Lilly, today you were really patient, and that marks growth."

   20. JSJay Shetty9:58

       Hmm.

   21. LSLilly Singh9:58

       Like, that didn't matter.

   22. JSJay Shetty9:59

       Hmm.

   23. LSLilly Singh9:59

       It didn't matter if you grew mentally or spiritually. It was always measured by something else.

   24. JSJay Shetty10:04

       Yeah.

   25. LSLilly Singh10:04

       You know?

   26. JSJay Shetty10:04

       I love that. What a, what a beautiful switch of mindset-

   27. LSLilly Singh10:07

       Mm-hmm

   28. JSJay Shetty10:07

       ... because that is something that you can measure every day. You can measure every day if you feel more patient-

   29. LSLilly Singh10:13

       Absolutely

   30. JSJay Shetty10:13

       ... or you feel more kind-
4. 12:02 – 15:42

   Dismantling your value system

   1. JSJay Shetty12:02

      how difficult was it to dismantle your value system? Because I think that's why we don't do it, right?

   2. LSLilly Singh12:09

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty12:09

      When you actually look at it and you go, "Wow, I value my work," or, "I value how much people like me," or, "I value how many followers I have," or, "I value how many positive comments I get," when you live in that world, which a lot of people do, you don't have to be a creator or an artist to feel that way- How do you get the courage to actually look inward and go, "Wow, I need to dismantle my value system"?

   4. LSLilly Singh12:34

      Yeah, it can be really, really scary, and I think you're absolutely right. That's why people hesitate to do it. Because it's so, so strange. There were moments when I was writing the book when I was alone in a room, no one else was there, and I would find myself BS-ing a little on the page. I'm like, "Who are you lying to?"

   5. JSJay Shetty12:49

      [laughs]

   6. LSLilly Singh12:49

      There's no one here. Like, rip this up and start again. Like, what are you actu- what do you actually care about? Because years ago, if I'm honest, I wouldn't sit here and say, "No, I do care about money. I do actually care about, I like that I have a big..." I wouldn't say that because I would think, "I'm gonna come across this way."

   7. JSJay Shetty13:04

      Yeah.

   8. LSLilly Singh13:04

      "And that's not what I'm supposed to care about." No. Again, it's be honest with yourself. You're allowed to value whatever you want. It's just doing the work to understand what those things mean-

   9. JSJay Shetty13:14

      Mm-hmm

   10. LSLilly Singh13:14

       ... and if also those things should be the driving forces behind your happiness. Because the thing with the awards and all that stuff is, like I said, when you think of them like a consequence, if they happen, great, but if they don't happen, your whole world doesn't crash down.

   11. JSJay Shetty13:28

       Mm-hmm.

   12. LSLilly Singh13:28

       I think that was the issue I had before I wrote this book. I thought, "Oh, my post is not getting these likes. Oh, I don't have the work. My travels got canceled. Now I don't have purpose, value, and happiness."

   13. JSJay Shetty13:39

       Mm-hmm.

   14. LSLilly Singh13:39

       That is where I don't wanna be. And so I think it was scary for me to figure out my values, but also more than scary, just really difficult because there is no map to do that.

   15. JSJay Shetty13:50

       Mm-hmm.

   16. LSLilly Singh13:50

       You know, I remember sitting down writing this book, and for two days I would just stare at a blank screen thinking-

   17. JSJay Shetty13:55

       [laughs]

   18. LSLilly Singh13:55

       ... if this was a math problem, I would be able to Google this.

   19. JSJay Shetty13:58

       [laughs]

   20. LSLilly Singh13:58

       I would be able to dig up some lesson from my math teacher, but we've just never been taught as kids how to do any of this work. So that's what I'm attempting to go through in this book.

   21. JSJay Shetty14:08

       I love it. And, and I wanna dive into it, and what I love, as I said about the book, is that there's all these beautiful sketches.

   22. LSLilly Singh14:14

       Yes, yes.

   23. JSJay Shetty14:14

       And you were telling me, just offline you were telling me about the amazing artist that did these. Can you tell us-

   24. LSLilly Singh14:18

       Yes, absolutely

   25. JSJay Shetty14:19

       ... yeah.

   26. LSLilly Singh14:19

       So the artist, her name is Paper Samosa on Instagram.

   27. JSJay Shetty14:21

       Yes.

   28. LSLilly Singh14:21

       Her name is Simi. She's fantastic. But the story is that a couple years ago when I got my late night show, we had no money, no budget, and I had this office in the writer's room and I was like, "Oh, I really need some pizzazz because it's a creative space." We have no money to buy art or anything like that.

   29. JSJay Shetty14:36

       [laughs]

   30. LSLilly Singh14:36

       So I found her on Instagram, and I said, "Would you be willing to gift me a few prints so I can put it in my writing room for the first season of my late night show? I don't have a budget to offer you from the studio, but I promise you, like, I'll be so appreciative, and maybe karma will come around." [laughs]
5. 15:42 – 21:39

   Home is not a physical building

   1. LSLilly Singh15:42

      Mm-hmm.

   2. JSJay Shetty15:42

      What does coming home mean to you, before we dive into each chapter, and where did that language come to you from? Like, what does that mean to you?

   3. LSLilly Singh15:50

      Yeah. I think, you know, when I was writing this book, I really wanted it to be, "Hey, you don't need to have a bunch of fancy tips and tricks and all these ways to get happy. It's really something that's within you already."

   4. JSJay Shetty16:03

      Mm-hmm.

   5. LSLilly Singh16:03

      "And it's organizing what's within you and deciding where you wanna go from there." And so I've learned that home is not a, a place. It is not a physical building. You know, it is... And I especially learned that during COVID because I was in the physical building of my home, and I wasn't able to see my family for two years, and I was like, "I don't feel like I'm at home." Home for me is a place that gives you that feeling of safety, security, no judgment. You can just be and return to what really matters. You know, a reset. So I came up with these places mentally that could be home, that when you go out in the day and you hear, and your friend's spilling the tea, and your other friend's got relationship drama, and all this stuff is going down, where can you come home to in your mind-

   6. JSJay Shetty16:46

      Mm

   7. LSLilly Singh16:46

      ... to reset-

   8. JSJay Shetty16:47

      Mm

   9. LSLilly Singh16:47

      ... and no judgment and recharge, just like you would physically.

   10. JSJay Shetty16:51

       Yeah.

   11. LSLilly Singh16:51

       You know?

   12. JSJay Shetty16:51

       Yeah, yeah. And to, and let's go into that because I think, and you've posted about this several times, and you post, like, candidly, and you'll post, like, what you really look like right now-

   13. LSLilly Singh17:00

       Yes

   14. JSJay Shetty17:00

       ... versus, you know, one of the shows you did the night before.

   15. LSLilly Singh17:03

       Absolutely. If I'm wearing Spanx, you will know. [laughs]

   16. JSJay Shetty17:04

       Yeah. You're, you know, and, and it's like you're so open about it, but I've heard you talk about how, like, so often when we look in the mirror, we're criticizing ourselves.

   17. LSLilly Singh17:12

       Mm-hmm.

   18. JSJay Shetty17:12

       Or so often when we see ourselves in some way, we are judgmental.

   19. LSLilly Singh17:15

       Mm-hmm.

   20. JSJay Shetty17:15

       So for a lot of people, coming home is actually all those things as well.

   21. LSLilly Singh17:19

       Absolutely.

   22. JSJay Shetty17:20

       Tell us about how you've started to shift that dialogue for yourself. Like, when we look in the mirror, more people are probably saying something negative about themselves than positive about themselves.

   23. LSLilly Singh17:29

       Mm-hmm.

   24. JSJay Shetty17:30

       Right?

   25. LSLilly Singh17:30

       I have learned that I very seldom give myself, cut myself any slack. I am truly, and I know it's cliche, but I'm truly my toughest critic in the sense that I could have a super successful day and the one hiccup that went wrong, I'll look in the mirror and I'll be like, "Okay, well, next time we gotta make sure that doesn't happen."

   26. JSJay Shetty17:47

       Mm-hmm.

   27. LSLilly Singh17:47

       "And you gotta be better prepared." And so I am very critical of myself, and that's why the language coming home was so important to me. Because home is not a place you should feel that judgment. And why I wrote Come Home is, okay, I'm gonna go to this place mentally where, Lilly, even you, you don't get to tell yourself all the things that went wrong. You don't get to be the, you get, you let yourself be human at home.

   28. JSJay Shetty18:08

       Mm-hmm.

   29. LSLilly Singh18:08

       You know, home is where the pants are not.

   30. JSJay Shetty18:10

       [laughs]
6. 21:39 – 27:12

   You’re a changing, adapting, and evolving person

   1. JSJay Shetty21:39

      said.

   2. LSLilly Singh21:39

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty21:39

      How have you allowed yourself to update? Like, we, we think of updating our phones and our computers easily-

   4. LSLilly Singh21:46

      Yes

   5. JSJay Shetty21:46

      ... but when it comes to updating ourselves and upgrading ourselves-

   6. LSLilly Singh21:49

      Mm-hmm

   7. JSJay Shetty21:49

      ... we get really slow and scared about it.

   8. LSLilly Singh21:51

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JSJay Shetty21:51

      How have you become okay with the fact that you're a changing, evolving, adapting person?

   10. LSLilly Singh21:56

       Yeah. Well, before writing this book, I would not be okay with it. I talk about in the book how I did subscribe to this mentality that there's right and wrong, that if I don't necessarily agree with everything I've done and said in the past, and now I think differently, that must mean the past version of me was wrong. And I would think that. That means if that person doesn't agree with what I'm saying, they're wrong and I'm right. It doesn't need to be wrong or right. We don't need to assign these labels so easily to things. I know we like to categorize things in our brain as in right, wrong, black, white, okay, easy, hard. But really what it is, it's allowing yourself and giving yourself permission to think differently and evolve.

   11. JSJay Shetty22:30

       Mm.

   12. LSLilly Singh22:30

       And so for me, the hardest example of this is how I define success. You know, h- what I was taught, and for much of my life, I believed success is the paycheck, it is the house, it is the car, it is the awards, it is all that stuff, it is the career you have. And it's not that I think I was wrong for thinking that, it's that my, my definition of success has changed now. All those things are great, but now if I have all of those things but I'm not happy-

   13. JSJay Shetty22:57

       Mm

   14. LSLilly Singh22:57

       ... and I'm not having fun, then I'm not successful.

   15. JSJay Shetty23:00

       Yeah.

   16. LSLilly Singh23:01

       And that's what I believe now.

   17. JSJay Shetty23:02

       Mm.

   18. LSLilly Singh23:03

       Again, not right or wrong, it's just I-

   19. JSJay Shetty23:04

       Yeah

   20. LSLilly Singh23:04

       ... I'm changing. I'm in different, a different place in my life. I have different values and different priorities, and that's okay.

   21. JSJay Shetty23:10

       Mm.

   22. LSLilly Singh23:10

       I think I resisted that for so long because I was like, "Don't be lazy. That's lazy. You have to pull the all-nighter. You have to do the- You don't be lazy." But it's not about that, it's about, hey, you are a human that is evolving, and you're in different circumstances. You cannot grow and expect to stay the same.

   23. JSJay Shetty23:25

       Mm. So well said. So well said. Honestly, everything you're saying is, like, I, I couldn't be happier hearing it from you because I think so many people are inspired by you, in awe of you, look up to you, like, including me. And when I see you having these revelations and realizations based on your own inner work-

   24. LSLilly Singh23:47

       Mm-hmm

   25. JSJay Shetty23:47

       ... it gives me so much confidence that everyone who looks up to you is being inspired in this beautiful direction. And I also love that you value hard work and that you value putting in the time and your attention to detail-

   26. LSLilly Singh24:00

       Mm-hmm

   27. JSJay Shetty24:00

       ... because that's also something I appreciate about you.

   28. LSLilly Singh24:02

       Yeah.

   29. JSJay Shetty24:02

       So e- whether I'm a friend or whether someone in business, I appreciate your purpose, but I also appreciate your practicality, like the fact that you are an effective human being-

   30. LSLilly Singh24:12

       Mm-hmm
7. 27:12 – 36:48

   “I came out as bisexual to my family…”

   1. JSJay Shetty27:12

      Tell me about that moment.

   2. LSLilly Singh27:13

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty27:13

      And tell us about how that journey has evolved over time and, and even before and after. I just wanna hear about that whole process-

   4. LSLilly Singh27:23

      Yeah

   5. JSJay Shetty27:23

      ... from things I know as your friend, but I wanna hear from how you feel about it through the book.

   6. LSLilly Singh27:27

      Absolutely. So I have to give credit to my editor here because you're right, I don't openly talk about this a lot. You might see me holding the Pride flag on Instagram, "Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, Lady Gaga, ba, ba, ba," but I don't [laughs] actually go into what that experience was like, and, and for the reason of it's just something that I don't want taken out of context.

   7. JSJay Shetty27:46

      Mm.

   8. LSLilly Singh27:46

      And I know the media will run with it, and I know people will not actually put themselves into that time and place. And so I thought the book was the perfect opportunity for me to really talk about this. The first time I wrote this chapter, I skimmed over it. I was like, "So I did this thing, and then my parents came." And then my editor was like, "Hey, I really think you should take the reader into exactly where you were." And it's the best, uh, note she's ever given me because I was like, "You know what, Lilly? Again, no one's in the room here when you're writing this. Actually open up. Like, people could really use this perspective." And so I did, and it was very difficult to write. Even as you were reading it, I was like [exhales] you know-

   9. JSJay Shetty28:21

      It's really emotional

   10. LSLilly Singh28:21

       ... 'cause it's heavy. It's a heavy, emotional thing. But-

   11. JSJay Shetty28:23

       Yeah

   12. LSLilly Singh28:24

       ... the reason it was important for me to talk about this is this is one of the biggest changes that has ever happened in my life, and like I said, the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. And it was something that I had to really address head-on because, to be honest, I don't think, I don't think I was honest about what that situation was in my mind for so many years. You know, I came out to my parents at 30, and [laughs] a lot of people don't know this, I'm very type A, so they shouldn't be surprised, but I actually came out to myself 30 days before that. So o- on September 1st, I, in my room [laughs] came out to my dog, Scarbro, for the first time ever to myself. Prior to this, I had thoughts and feelings like, "I don't know why I'm not just so committed in the relationships I'm in. Something feels off." You know, growing up, I didn't know a single queer person. In my high school, there was not a single queer person. This was not Euphoria. My high [laughs] school was not Euphoria. Um, in university I knew of one queer person, and it was, it was someone who identified as a male, and I was so different from him, so I never really connected with him. And so at the age of 30, I came out to myself. So at the age of 29, I came out to myself, and I said, "Before my 30th birthday, I'm gonna come out to all the people that matter in my life," and it was a list of, like, 10 people, and my parents were last. Of course, type A, I had a list to-do. I had a to-do list to come out-

   13. JSJay Shetty29:42

       [laughs]

   14. LSLilly Singh29:42

       ... as I would. It was right in there, b- in between, uh, steam the napkins. Um-

   15. JSJay Shetty29:46

       [laughs]

   16. LSLilly Singh29:47

       And so they were the last on the list, and I thought, "Okay, I'm gonna tell them. I'm gonna write them this letter." And in my brain, I had thought up this scenario of all the things they were gonna do and say, and I had two versions of it. One was this is gonna go horrible. Again, all or nothing. It's gonna go horrible. They're not gonna understand. Just in case, then I'm gonna have this idea of things I need to pack in my bag so I can leave the house.

   17. JSJay Shetty30:10

       Oh.

   18. LSLilly Singh30:10

       Like, just all of these worst case scenarios. And then the opposite was or they are going to throw me a party then and there-

   19. JSJay Shetty30:18

       Mm

   20. LSLilly Singh30:18

       ... because they're gonna be so proud. All or nothing mentality. The truth is that they came into my room, and the first thing that my mom did was give me a big hug and said, "Why are you crying? You're my daughter, and I love you regardless." Beautiful. Amazing. I was so scared in that m- moment and so nervous. That because they were not saying the exact sentences I expected them to say, I was a little dismissive, to be honest. And it pains me to admit that-

   21. JSJay Shetty30:48

       Mm

   22. LSLilly Singh30:48

       ... because I know so often in these stories we wanna hear that, like, "S- support the kid no matter what, the kid is right," but I was dismissive, and I didn't give my parents the credit that they deserved of being like, "They probably don't even know what this is."

   23. JSJay Shetty31:02

       Mm.

   24. LSLilly Singh31:02

       "They've never been introduced to this idea before." And so we had the conversation. They did and said things of support. They did not disown me, they did not [laughs] kick me out of the house, they did none of those things. But I left that conversation needing an enemy, to be honest. I needed to distance myself from people, even though they were being supportive, because I was so insecure. I had just done this big thing in my life, and I didn't know how to figure it out. I didn't know how to now navigate the world. I felt so insecure, everyone staring at me, these headlines are saying all these things. So I distanced myself from so many people, including my family, not because they weren't being supportive, even though I convinced myself that was what it was. It was because I just couldn't be in close proximity to people that I felt like I was disappointing.

   25. JSJay Shetty31:48

       Mm.

   26. LSLilly Singh31:49

       Even though they were not disappointed, you know? And that was a hard pill for me to swallow, because that takes a lot of you admitting that you don't have it figured out, and, like, you didn't give your parents enough credit. And so I'm happy to say that me and my parents are so close today, and we're so lovely, and, um, it's just a lesson I learned that it's so easy, again, to go back to right and wrong.

   27. JSJay Shetty32:11

       Yeah.

   28. LSLilly Singh32:11

       But everyone is a human in different circumstances, and it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

   29. JSJay Shetty32:16

       Yeah.

   30. LSLilly Singh32:16

       Yeah.
8. 36:48 – 43:32

   A process of meditation that works

   1. JSJay Shetty36:48

      Tell us about what meditation looks like for you now-

   2. LSLilly Singh36:52

      Mm-hmm

   3. JSJay Shetty36:52

      ... and, and why the current practice that you do of it is useful to you.

   4. LSLilly Singh36:57

      Absolutely. So I've really had to remind myself of the it doesn't have to be all or nothing here. Because although I aspire to be a Jay Shetty [laughs] I know when I've tried in the past to have a rigid routine where I wake up at a certain time, and I meditate in a certain place, and it looks a certain way, I have failed. Because for me, I go to sleep at different times, my schedule's awry, and honestly, I get bored sometimes, and that's just me being really honest. When I have a really rigid routine, sometimes I get bored. I need a little change. So for me, what meditation looks like is not every day. I would say three-ish, four-ish times a week I will listen to one of Janvi's songs. Actually, I meditate to her music. For me, I like music. For me personally, guided meditations I've learned don't work, and I've stopped being embarrassed about that even though some of my dear friends have guided meditations. [laughs]

   5. JSJay Shetty37:45

      [laughs]

   6. LSLilly Singh37:46

      Because I always start thinking about what the person looks like and all that type of-

   7. JSJay Shetty37:49

      [laughs]

   8. LSLilly Singh37:49

      ... random stuff, and if I listen to Jay guide me through a meditation, I'd be like, "Jay, I miss that guy." And I'm gonna start to just wander into all places.

   9. JSJay Shetty37:55

      [laughs]

   10. LSLilly Singh37:55

       So I personally use music-

   11. JSJay Shetty37:57

       Mm

   12. LSLilly Singh37:57

       ... especially because for me, I'm, I'm really connected to musicality and the journey it takes you on.

   13. JSJay Shetty38:03

       Mm-hmm.

   14. LSLilly Singh38:04

       I'm really into the highs and lows and visualizing myself in all these places, and so I meditate to music for about 20 minutes. I use now the things I write about in my book. So I start my every meditation by saying, "Today, the four things that matter are the relationship to yourself, the relationship to the universe, understanding distraction, and implementing design." I check in on myself. I'm really honest with myself, how I feel, what I'm grateful for, if I'm having any petty thoughts I really want to just... Like, it's a really safe space for me to be like, "Hey, you're allowed to process whatever's going through your mind right now." And you don't have to process it in a way where now you're gonna come up with solutions. It's just to know where you're at.

   15. JSJay Shetty38:42

       Mm-hmm.

   16. LSLilly Singh38:42

       Just connect with yourself.

   17. JSJay Shetty38:44

       Mm.

   18. LSLilly Singh38:44

       How are you feeling physically, mentally, emotionally? That's it. That's all you have to do. Next, I connect myself to the universe, and the reason I do this is because I talk about it in the book-

   19. JSJay Shetty38:52

       Yeah

   20. LSLilly Singh38:52

       ... but it's also because in our industry, Jay, you can get very vain very fast. You, it can become all about you very, very fast. I really value that reminder that I'm connected to something greater, and it also helps me alleviate some of my control issues that I have, that not everything is in my control. I'm connected to something bigger, connected to other people. Like I said, I'm them, they're me, and we're in different circumstances. I also then send compassion, and I talk about this in the book, which is for so long I would meditate when I was upset. I would ask God for things when I'm having a bad day. It's all about take, take, take from the universe, and I never really thought about, well, what are you putting back into the universe? [laughs] You know, are you being a fair partner to the universe? And so I spend time really thinking about how I can send love, and I literally visualize love and light coming from my hands and sending it to whoever might need it. You know, this is... It might sound silly, but before I judged on Canada's Got Talent, when I meditated, I actually sent love and light to all the contestants.

   21. JSJay Shetty39:50

       I love that.

   22. LSLilly Singh39:51

       Because I was like, "I know what it feels like. I know I'm judging you, but, like, if you're nervous..." And I visualize them as, "If you're nervous, remember to have fun. Like, know that I'm gonna be with you on that stage." I just try to send the energy to whoever needs it.

   23. JSJay Shetty40:05

       That's beautiful.

   24. LSLilly Singh40:06

       Yeah. I mean-

   25. JSJay Shetty40:06

       I just gotta take a moment.

   26. LSLilly Singh40:07

       Yeah. [laughs]

   27. JSJay Shetty40:08

       And that is so beautiful.

   28. LSLilly Singh40:09

       Thanks, man.

   29. JSJay Shetty40:10

       I love that.

   30. LSLilly Singh40:10

       I try. I try.
9. 43:32 – 49:32

   The missed calls from the universe

   1. JSJay Shetty43:32

      I want to go back to this.

   2. LSLilly Singh43:32

      Yeah.

   3. JSJay Shetty43:32

      You talked about the universe, but you have this graphic in here which is about the missed calls from the universe.

   4. LSLilly Singh43:36

      Yes. [laughs]

   5. JSJay Shetty43:37

      Which when I saw that I was like, "I need to read this section."

   6. LSLilly Singh43:39

      [laughs]

   7. JSJay Shetty43:39

      Because I ... And, and that's how I went through the book. I was like, I was looking at stuff that was ... And I was like, "Oh, this I love. I love this. Let me read what this is about." Tell me about that, because I think that, like you said, we're always expecting the universe to give to us.

   8. LSLilly Singh43:50

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JSJay Shetty43:51

      But you're actually saying here that we're missing calls from the universe.

   10. LSLilly Singh43:54

       Mm-hmm.

   11. JSJay Shetty43:54

       What are those missed calls? What are those signs that we're getting but that we keep missing?

   12. LSLilly Singh44:00

       Well, I think it's a lot of things. I think it's how we think about even failure and loss.

   13. JSJay Shetty44:04

       Mm.

   14. LSLilly Singh44:05

       We don't think that there's ... And at least in that moment, we don't think that there's something bigger at play. You know, we, we have this tendency to think when we're sad that the world is against us, the universe is against us, 'cause that's a comforting and easy place to go to. I am hurt, it's because my life sucks, and this is sucky, and my day was sucky. And in that moment we don't think that something bigger is at play. We're missing calls from the universe.

   15. JSJay Shetty44:28

       Mm.

   16. LSLilly Singh44:28

       I can genuinely say any horrible thing that has happened to me, any failure, any loss, there has been an exchange there. I lost something and then I gained something because of that thing. And that's what we have to think about the universe. The universe is constant exchange. Everything is an exchange, and it is a relationship that we really need to foster, because we ignore it so often.

   17. JSJay Shetty44:49

       Mm.

   18. LSLilly Singh44:49

       We don't think about the, hey, I actually have my job today, and I have the following I have today because I spoke so openly about my experience going through mental health and people related to me. Great. But we don't actually dissect, like, hey, remember that time you were really sad? This is the exchange for that.

   19. JSJay Shetty45:08

       Mm.

   20. LSLilly Singh45:08

       The universe actually came around and gave you something, so why do you not nurture that relationship? You know, and I talk a lot about people who have a lot and have really tough pasts, and perhaps we don't give ourselves the opportunity to analyze what those losses gave us.

   21. JSJay Shetty45:24

       Mm.

   22. LSLilly Singh45:24

       And I think we should.

   23. JSJay Shetty45:25

       Yeah.

   24. LSLilly Singh45:25

       Because I think that makes them silver linings and it makes us realize that, like, hey, there's something bigger at play.

   25. JSJay Shetty45:32

       What do you think your biggest loss or failure was internally or externally? Like, what was that when you think about that moment where you felt lost-

   26. LSLilly Singh45:42

       Mm-hmm

   27. JSJay Shetty45:42

       ... as you say in the subtitle of the book, but also the idea of when you feel you've lost, right?

   28. LSLilly Singh45:48

       Mm-hmm.

   29. JSJay Shetty45:48

       Feeling lost and feeling like you've lost.

   30. LSLilly Singh45:50

       Mm-hmm.
10. 49:32 – 59:12

    Make sure you have fun

    1. JSJay Shetty49:32

       on the same page. But when I see you and I see you operate in that way, and now that you're bringing this compassionate heart to it and this kindness to it, and, and you're able to implement design in that way-

    2. LSLilly Singh49:43

       Mm

    3. JSJay Shetty49:43

       ... has it become more joyful in the execution of stuff? Like, I wanna hear about how you execute differently now. Because we, we talked about How To Be A Bawse-

    4. LSLilly Singh49:53

       Mm

    5. JSJay Shetty49:53

       ... and that was like the book before.

    6. LSLilly Singh49:55

       Yeah.

    7. JSJay Shetty49:55

       And we talked about that that is important. But now we're going back to that. I'm like, now when you're hustling-

    8. LSLilly Singh49:59

       Mm-hmm

    9. JSJay Shetty49:59

       ... or now when you're working really hard, or now when you're being productive-

    10. LSLilly Singh50:02

        Mm-hmm

    11. JSJay Shetty50:02

        ... how is it now fueled with joy? Or how do you make sure that now it's coming from a place of meaning?

    12. LSLilly Singh50:08

        Yeah. So I [laughs] posted about this recently. This is not a joke, for anyone that doesn't follow me. Uh, my vision board is in my shower.

    13. JSJay Shetty50:16

        Yes, I saw that.

    14. LSLilly Singh50:16

        It is in my shower.

    15. JSJay Shetty50:18

        I saw that, yeah.

    16. LSLilly Singh50:18

        Like, it is taped to the glass outside of my shower-

    17. JSJay Shetty50:20

        [laughs]

    18. LSLilly Singh50:20

        ... so I see it every single day.

    19. JSJay Shetty50:22

        Genius. Genius.

    20. LSLilly Singh50:23

        I literally ... Yes, I see it every day. Smack dab in the middle of my vision board, because my vision board is structured in a way where the things in the middle are my core values and then it builds out, and right in the middle is, "Make sure you have fun." So part of my foundation, my triangle, is that my relationship with myself and my relationship with the universe and how I implement design is going to be that my definition of success must include fun. It did not previously. In my come up in my career, I did a lot of events and gigs and things where I was like, "I don't care about this at all. This is horrendous, but I will do it. I will do the free gig. I will do this dig- gig I'm not passionate about to earn my stripes." We all work hard with this idea that, "I'm gonna get to this place where eventually I can call the shots, I can do what I wanna do." We get so caught up in the climb that even when we're in the position to do what we wanna do, we're climbing still, 'cause now it's a habit. It's a habit, and we've forgotten the reason we started in the first place. That's where I was. So now, [laughs] having fun is a requirement of anything I say yes to. Doesn't matter what opportunity comes in my inbox, if I'm not going to have fun, it is not going to happen. And so yes, because of that decision, things are more joy- more joyful. When I'm doing a podcast or I'm presenting something on stage, I'm not going into it thinking, "Nail every line. It's gotta be perfect. You gotta execute and then you gotta network." It's, "Hey, this is pretty cool-

    21. JSJay Shetty51:47

        [laughs]

    22. LSLilly Singh51:48

        ... that we're here." And I think you should go there, and I think by the end of the night, Lilly, I think you should go home and I think you should say, "Hey, you know what? That was like really fun."

    23. JSJay Shetty51:56

        [laughs]

    24. LSLilly Singh51:57

        Because if you don't have that, it doesn't matter.

    25. JSJay Shetty52:01

        Yeah.

    26. LSLilly Singh52:01

        It really doesn't matter, and there is no point. That doesn't mean you can't do it well. That doesn't mean you can't be prepared. I will still do all of those things, but I will find the joy in doing all these extraordinary things that I get to do. And I learned this especially because, I'm sad to admit that, in my first world tour ... I mean, think about this, a 30-city world tour. Not many people can say they've done that in their life. I got to meet with my fans, I had all these costumes.

    27. JSJay Shetty52:25

        And how old were you?

    28. LSLilly Singh52:26

        Uh, this was like six years ago.

    29. JSJay Shetty52:28

        Yeah, yeah.

    30. LSLilly Singh52:28

        So-
11. 59:12 – 1:12:41

    Lilly on Final Five

    1. JSJay Shetty59:12

       Yeah. Thank you. All right. So we're gonna end, uh, this interview with what we call the Final Five.

    2. LSLilly Singh59:16

       All right.

    3. JSJay Shetty59:17

       These are a rapid fire, fast five-

    4. LSLilly Singh59:19

       Boom, boom

    5. JSJay Shetty59:19

       ... which I always break the rules on, because I go-

    6. LSLilly Singh59:21

       Okay. I'm gonna definitely break the rules too

    7. JSJay Shetty59:21

       ... I go, "Tell me more."

    8. LSLilly Singh59:22

       [laughs]

    9. JSJay Shetty59:23

       And so anyway, we try and answer these in one word to one sentence maximum.

    10. LSLilly Singh59:27

        Okay, cool. I'm definitely gonna break those rules, but I'll try.

    11. JSJay Shetty59:29

        We, we will break the rules. That's fine.

    12. LSLilly Singh59:30

        Okay. Okay. Okay. [laughs]

    13. JSJay Shetty59:30

        We both ... We're ... It's fine. It's fine. I'll allow you. Usually I'm sometimes-

    14. LSLilly Singh59:32

        Okay. I'll try my best, though.

    15. JSJay Shetty59:33

        Yeah. All right. Okay. Question number one.

    16. LSLilly Singh59:35

        Mm-hmm.

    17. JSJay Shetty59:36

        What is the best advice you've ever received?

    18. LSLilly Singh59:40

        Mm. [laughs]

    19. JSJay Shetty59:42

        [laughs] That reaction. Sorry to everyone who's listening to this only.

    20. LSLilly Singh59:46

        And I'm not sorry. This is how I feel. Um, okay, this is supposed to be rapid? Oh my God. Uh-

    21. JSJay Shetty59:53

        I shouldn't call it rapid. I should call it, um, I should change the name. Now you just made me realize, it shouldn't be rapid, it should be more like condensed five, but that sounds terrible. Like-

    22. LSLilly Singh1:00:01

        I mean, it's definitely probably gonna be ... Okay, I'm, it's, can it be a quote?

    23. JSJay Shetty1:00:04

        Yeah, yeah.

    24. LSLilly Singh1:00:04

        It's actually gonna be a quote I live, I live by.

    25. JSJay Shetty1:00:06

        Yeah. Yeah.

    26. LSLilly Singh1:00:06

        I actually first heard it from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. [laughs]

    27. JSJay Shetty1:00:08

        Oh, cool. Okay.

    28. LSLilly Singh1:00:09

        And the quote is, and I'll never forget it, it is, "Don't let your past define who you are. Let it be a part of who you become."

    29. JSJay Shetty1:00:15

        Mm.

    30. LSLilly Singh1:00:15

        And I think that speaks really well to the evolution we were talking about earlier.

Episode duration: 1:12:41