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If I was TRAPPED in a Toxic Relationship THIS is What I Would DO! (Jay Shetty's #1 Tip to LEAVE!)

Have you ever found yourself holding onto someone who couldn’t fully open up to you? Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have, hoping things would finally get better? In today’s episode, I’m doing something a little different. My good friend Lisa Bilyeu flips the script and interviews me. Lisa is the co-founder of the billion-dollar company Quest Nutrition, founder of Women of Impact, and one of the most honest, fearless voices I know when it comes to growth, relationships, and empowerment. Together, we unpack some of the most misunderstood truths about relationships, from why we settle to how we can start making choices rooted in self-worth rather than fear. We talk about how to stop crowd-sourcing your most important life decisions and why learning to listen to your own voice—without all the outside opinions—is one of the most healing things you can do. I share the real reason many of us struggle with being alone, how to break the cycle of chasing emotionally unavailable partners, and why true love should feel like peace—not anxiety dressed up as passion. This episode is about so much more than dating. It’s about rebuilding your self-worth one choice at a time. I walk you through my 5 daily habits that help me build inner confidence, how to tell when you’re compromising in love versus losing yourself, and the honest questions you need to ask before deciding whether to stay—or walk away. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Stop Settling and Start Choosing From Confidence How to Trust Your Intuition Without Second-Guessing Yourself How to Break Free From the Fear of Being Alone How to Create Peace In Order to Attract a Healthy Relationship How to Know If You’re Compromising or Abandoning Yourself How to Build Self-Worth With 5 Simple Daily Habits I’m so grateful to Lisa for creating this space. I hope it brings you a deeper sense of direction, healing, and the reminder that you are always worth choosing—especially by yourself. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:21 The Three Reasons We Settle in Love 04:24 We All Have a Different Take on Love 06:36 The 7-Day Opinion Fast 13:15 Why Do We Keep Chasing the Wrong Person? 17:29 The Technique Men Use to Flirt with Women 23:44 The Difference Between Adapting vs. Diminishing Yourself in Relationships 28:39 This is the Biggest Reason for Breakups & How to Avoid It 31:50 Promoting a Healthy Relationship Through 'US' and 'WE' 34:52 Never Say these Two Words During An Argument 36:41 Is it Love or Just Lust? 38:24 Are You Comfortable or Complacent in Your Relationship? 45:24 Don't Let Your Insecurities Affect Your Current Relationship 48:06 The Three People You'll Fall With in Love in Your Life 53:29 Why Trust Should Be Given Easily 56:02 Fixing Someone Isn't Your Responsibility 01:00:39 Three Ways to Adapt to Your Partner's Personality 01:06:23 You Can't Live on Someone Else’s Timeline 01:12:29 This is the Type of Conversation You Should be Having With Your Partner 01:16:16 5 Daily Habits to Build Self-Worth 01:22:47 Best Nighttime Routine to Block Negative Thoughts 01:25:25 Jay's On Tour Update Episode Resources: https://lisabilyeu.com/ https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu https://www.tiktok.com/@lisa_bilyeu https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeir7Wbzzfg43c1eL7PSa3g https://x.com/lisabilyeu https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisabilyeu https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/women-of-impact/id1435217865 https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty https://www.facebook.com/jayshetty/ https://x.com/jayshetty https://www.linkedin.com/in/shettyjay/ https://www.youtube.com/@JayShettyPodcast http://jayshetty.me

Jay ShettyguestLisa Bilyeuhost
Jun 5, 20251h 26mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

How to stop settling and exit toxic relationship patterns intentionally

  1. People settle in relationships when fear of being alone outweighs the pain of being with the wrong person, and when familiarity and low self-belief make “better” love feel unavailable.
  2. Outsourcing relationship decisions to family and friends can backfire because advice is usually a projection of the adviser’s values and insecurities, not a prediction of your future.
  3. Toxic dating cycles often come from confusing inconsistency with excitement and stability with boredom, which makes anxious “chemistry” feel more compelling than peaceful love.
  4. Healthy partnership requires adapting without abandoning yourself, communicating as a team (“we/us” instead of “you/me”), and avoiding absolutes like “always” and “never.”
  5. Building self-worth and clarity is positioned as the foundation for leaving or reshaping unhealthy dynamics, supported by daily habits, trust earned over time, and better emotional hygiene (especially at bedtime).

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Settling is usually self-protection, not a lack of desire.

They frame settling as happening when the fear of being alone feels bigger than the pain of the wrong partner, when familiar suffering feels “safer” than unfamiliar happiness, and when you believe better exists but not for you.

Stop crowdsourcing your love life to people with different values.

Jay argues others’ answers are often projections of their priorities and insecurities; asking the “right question to the wrong person” can push you away from someone who is actually right for you.

Do an “opinion fast” to rebuild your inner voice.

A 7-day (or 30-day) rule of not asking anyone for opinions on small choices trains self-trust, so you can later rely less on external validation for major relationship decisions.

Peace attracts healthier love than passivity or desperation.

He contrasts a passive dating mindset (“it’ll happen”) and a pressure-filled mindset (“I’m behind”) with peace; passivity tends to attract neglect, desperation tends to attract weak/unstable dynamics.

Many toxic cycles come from mislabeling anxiety as chemistry.

They describe early “spark” as an oscillation of stress and excitement, which can condition people to chase inconsistency and dismiss steady effort as “needy” or “boring.”

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we settle because the fear of being alone is greater than the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle because the suffering we understand feels safer than the happiness we haven't experienced yet. We settle because a part of us believes that familiarity is truth, and what I mean by that is when you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe it's destiny.

— Jay Shetty

When you ask someone a question, we think their answer is a prediction of the future. But actually, it's a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities. It's a projection of what they believed was possible for them.

— Jay Shetty

We've confused inconsistency with excitement, and we've confused stability with boredom. We've confused attention with love, and we've confused effort with desperation.

— Jay Shetty

There's a difference between adjusting yourself and abandoning yourself. Adjusting yourself means I'm making room for love. Abandoning means I'm disappearing to make space for it.

— Jay Shetty

The difference between love and lust is that lust is that excitement, exhilaration of connection. Love is how you handle disconnection.

— Jay Shetty

Three reasons people settle in loveOpinion fasting to stop outsourcing decisionsChasing “chemistry”: excitement vs anxietyFlirting via criticism/negging and why it hooks attentionAdjusting vs abandoning yourself in relationshipsConflict language: “we/us” and avoiding “always/never”Love vs lust: handling disconnectionComfort vs complacency and a five-part relationship auditIntuition vs insecurity and the questions that clarifyTrust earned over time vs idealizing potentialWhy you can’t fix a partner and values mismatchHandling infidelity, shame, and recovery conversationsSelf-worth habits and sleep-entry/sleep-exit thought programmingNight routine to stop negative thought spirals

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