Jay Shetty PodcastIf I was TRAPPED in a Toxic Relationship THIS is What I Would DO! (Jay Shetty's #1 Tip to LEAVE!)
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
90 min read · 17,660 words- 0:00 – 1:21
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
If you're at the early stages of a relationship, spot this early, both men and women. Whoever you are, whichever role you're playing, spot it early. Don't just fall into the trap of, "Oh, it works for now. Let's just see how it goes." And I think if your partner can't see that, you need to see that for yourself. Take responsibility.
- JSJay Shetty
The number one health and wellness podcast.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Jay Shetty.
- SPSpeaker
Jay Shetty.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So many women end up settling. Now, not because we want to, but because we're scared. We're scared of being alone. We're scared of starting over. We're scared that maybe this is good as we can get. But that fear is actually then just keeping us stuck. So how on earth do we start making choices based on our worth so we never settle for less than we deserve?
- JSJay Shetty
There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we settle because the fear of being alone is greater than the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle because the suffering we understand feels safer than the happiness we haven't experienced yet. We settle because a part of us believes that
- 1:21 – 4:24
The Three Reasons We Settle in Love
- JSJay Shetty
familiarity is truth, and what I mean by that is when you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe it's destiny. You start to believe that's the life that's been paved forward for you. But the deepest reason we settle, and it's something that you alluded to, is that we think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe they exist for us.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's the most interesting part. We think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe they exist for us, and it's because we have such a limited, restricted view of ourselves. I don't think it's that we have low self-esteem or poor self-esteem. That's a part of it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
But the bigger part is we don't actually realize what's possible for us, what's possible by us, and that comes because we've been told to play small. We've been told to shrink. We've had people in our life, relationships, past exes, that have made us believe that if you play within the confines of these walls, that's all you're meant to be. And so I think when I think about your question, the thing that comes to mind the most to me is I want people to start by looking at their life as if they didn't have any of those scripts.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If you didn't have that script, if you haven't heard those lines, where would you start? And in order to do this, Lisa, what's interesting is you actually have to disappear from your life. Now, what I mean by that is you don't have to run away. You don't have to quit your job. You don't have to not hang out with your friends, but you almost need to sometimes stop talking. I think the reason sometimes we feel we have too many opinions in our life is because we ask the wrong people the right questions.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Right? We ask the right questions like, "Do you think this person's right for me? Do you think I should be in this relationship? Do you think this is the best I can do?" But we ask them to the wrong people.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's really interesting. We ask other people questions, but we never ask ourself those questions.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And we outsource and crowdsource these major decisions in our life. And so what I mean by disappearing is we have to take a step back. We have to shut our mouth. We have to close off a little bit and go, "Am I asking the right question to the right person, or am I asking the right question to the wrong person?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm. Okay, so break that down even more because it so hit me when you said we ask people's opinions, and then we take that on. So, like, let's just take families-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... 'cause I'm Greek Orthodox, and obviously you're Indian, so our family culture is very, um, dominant, if you will, in dictating what we should do and how we should show up. So are you saying, for instance, if we ask our parents, "Hey, what do you think of my partner?" They're gonna come from their perspective based on what they think that you need in your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. When you ask someone a question, we think their answer is a prediction of the future. But actually, it's a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities. It's a projection of what they
- 4:24 – 6:36
We All Have a Different Take on Love
- JSJay Shetty
believed was possible for them. I'll give you an example. I remember a friend of mine was starting to date another girl that we knew, and when he asked all our guy friends what they thought of this girl, they all said, "She's a bit dominant. She's a bit controlling." And it was really interesting because I was watching this happen, and he responded and said, "I kind of like it when a woman's in charge."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
He said, "I really like it when a woman takes the lead."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And he goes, "She may take the lead emotionally, but I take the lead financially." And he goes, "I'm not threatened by that. I'm actually really comfortable about it." But all of my other guy friends were really uncomfortable about that. Now, does this make them wrong and him right? No. It's just showing that we all have a different skew. We have a different priority. We have a different take, but all of the guys were like, "No, she's the worst. Like, I would never date her."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Like, "Don't go out with her."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And he's now happily married to her.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Aw.
- JSJay Shetty
And they have a great relationship. Now, if he would've listened to them because he thought, "Wait a minute, there's seven people here that I trust and respect telling me that this woman's wrong for me," he would've made the wrong decision. And so I think so many of us don't actually base our decisions on even our self-worth-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... or our self-awareness or our self-knowledge. We base it on other people's insecurities, and if you're making big decisions based on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for a big failure because you may move away from someone who's so close to being the right person for you.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm. Oh, God, that's so true. Okay, so if you assess this is their belief, this is their opinion, how do you then, to your words, disappear inward so that you can start to listen to your own intuition?And then what if that intuition is saying, "I don't want you to be alone"? 'Cause that's the second thing.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Like, there's one thing listening to external. There's another thing listening to your own insecurities.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely. You're, you're spot on. And the reason why you wanna get to a point where you're only hearing your voice is one voice is easier to manage than 30 voices, right?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Like, let's just be honest. Most of us are surrounded by 30, 40, 50 opinions. So yes, when you disappear, move away from all the opinions. The way I recommend
- 6:36 – 13:15
The 7-Day Opinion Fast
- JSJay Shetty
you do that is doing a 30-day opinions fast, and if 30 days is too long, try a seven-day opinion fast.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh, all right.
- JSJay Shetty
So for seven days, any time you think about asking someone for their opinion, whether it's, "What should I wear? What should I eat? What movie should I watch? What TV show should I watch?" For the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone. So every time you have that inkling of, "Oh, let me just ask Lisa what should I do?" No, no, no. I'm gonna ask myself first. I'm going to ask myself, and I'm going to have the courage to make the decision and go out there anyway.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So I'm gonna resist that urge to try on the outfit, take a picture, send it to a group of friends, try on the other outfit. No, no, no. I'm just gonna make a decision, and I'm gonna see what it feels like.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Let's start with really low-hanging fruit. Let's not do it when we're going to, like, the, the biggest party of the year-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... or whatever it is. Do it when you're going out for movie night-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... picking your dinner, picking a TV show to watch. Make it really simple. Do it for the simple things. When you start doing it for the simple things, what happens? You start realizing there was no right outfit. You start realizing there was no right pair of earrings. All you realize is that you start trusting your own voice inside.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
You start trusting your choice, or you start realizing when you could have learned a little bit, when you could have got something better.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
There was something that was editable, and now you realize it's all doable. It's not life or death. So you gotta start with the small stuff, and the reason, Lisa, I say start with the small stuff is because that voice, that inner voice that you and me have, has got so quiet. It's got so weak.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
That's what that inner child, that inner voice is like inside of us. You can barely hear it. So that's step one. Step two, like you said, now you realize it's actually your voice. You're sitting there on your own, and your voice says, "I hate being alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone." There's three things that are important when you hear the words I hate being alone. The first is all the studies show that when we make a decision because we don't wanna be alone, we pick the wrong person. All the studies show we stay with the wrong person when we're scared of being alone, and thirdly, we settle for less than we deserve. We have to realize that the person you're going to pick when you're alone is almost guaranteed to be the wrong person. You're going to accept behavior you never would. You're going to settle for language you never would. You're gonna accept actions that you never would because that's where your decision's being made.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Now, that's logic, but the voice I'm being alone is not logical. The voice I'm scared of being alone is emotional. I think so many people today who are desperate and scared of being single don't realize that that pain of being single is far less than the pain of being in a relationship and wanting a divorce or a breakup.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
When you're in that position, you can't get out of it. It's a lot harder than the pain of will I find someone?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
If you've got the courage, and I really believe everyone gets to this point in their life, you have to sit with yourself and ask yourself, "Why? Why am I scared of being alone? Where did that come from? Is it because everyone in my family always told me that marriage was the pinnacle of life? Is it because all of my friends are getting engaged and proposed to? Is it because I grew up in a big family, and I like being surrounded by people? Is it because I don't have someone to go to movies with, or I don't have someone to go out to brunch with on the weekend? What is it?" And then what you do is for each need that you think a partner is gonna solve, you find another person in your life who can solve it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So make a list: brunch, watching movies, going out, vulnerable talk. Whatever it is that you think a partner is going to provide, go and find one friend that solves it, and all of a sudden, your life starts to feel full. All of a sudden, you're not alone anymore because you've found friendship. You've found connection. Now, you're in a position of peace. I'll give you an example actually, Lisa. So I became, uh, match.com's, uh, relationship advisor-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... a year ago, and the goal was w- I wanted to create a platform where I could create my philosophy but make it practical.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Anyway, the reason I say that is we did an event for 100 singles in LA just two, three weeks ago. Everyone came with open minds. It was, it was really interesting, but the reason I brought it up is I was talking to people about how we have two mindsets when it comes to dating and finding love. One is we have a passive mindset.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- 13:15 – 17:29
Why Do We Keep Chasing the Wrong Person?
- JSJay Shetty
Because I think often we feel that way. We're scared of actually saying this to our friends, because we're scared they'll judge us and say, "We told you so."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
We're scared of telling our families, because they'll say, "I knew that guy wasn't right for you," and all of a sudden you feel shamed and guilted. And I always say to people, guilt blocks growth, and shame blocks shifts. You're not going to get-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... from guilt and shame to growth and shifting. It's just not gonna happen. So the reason we're chasing the wrong person is because we're running away from the right person, right? We've confused inconsistency with excitement, and we've confused stability with boredom. We've confused attention with love, and we've confused effort with desperation. If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[inhales]
- JSJay Shetty
If someone puts in time, we see them as being needy. If someone turns up and shows up, we think they're the one who needs us, because we've convinced ourselves that love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never wants to leave. We've convinced ourselves that this treadmill, this rat race of convincing someone to stay is what love is. And so I think the problem is we've created very unhealthy views of love. And by the way, I see this all the time. At that event that I was just talking about, one of the guys, he said to me, he said, "Why is it that when someone's putting effort I feel like they're not attractive?" And I said, "Because you're thinking about the next three to six months, and not thinking about the next five to 10 years." I promise you, in five to 10 years, you'll want someone who wants to sit with you and do nothing on the couch. In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who texts you every day to check in with how work is. In five to 10 years, you'll want someone who, when they're traveling, don't forget to call you-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because they wanna make sure that you've checked in. But for the first three to six months, you kinda want someone who's giving you two things. You want someone who's giving you a feeling of excitement and a feeling of stress.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Because that's ultimately what chemistry is, right? Will they give me their number? That's the stress. The excitement is, I got their number.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
The stress is, oh, my God, what should I text them? The excitement is, oh, my God, they just texted me back. The stress is, oh, my gosh, are they gonna say yes to a second date? The excitement is, yes, they just said yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so this kind of oscillating feeling of stress and excitement is what creates the spark, is what creates chemistry. Now, when you've been in a long-term relationship like you and Tom have, or slightly shorter that me and Radhi have had, now you don't get stress and excitement. Most of it just becomes peace. I don't need to stress whether Radhi's gonna be at home tonight-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... 'cause I know she's at home tonight. So the problem is, we've gotta make ourselves realize that what you want now and what's right for your future are not the same thing. And if you wanna live in this bubble of excitement and stress, that's gonna go anyway.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So why not find someone who doesn't give you stress, who doesn't bring you anxiety, who doesn't make you feel nervous? Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't feel excited to see that person, but there's a big difference between excitement and anxiety.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
God, everything you're saying really hit me, in the sense of I had been there once upon a time with my ex-boyfriend. He was very toxic. He was very verbally abusive. And I literally, when I left him, when I finally found the courage, Jay, I was like, "I'm gonna find a guy that likes me, that's nice, that's kind, that's considerate." I found a guy that was nice, kind, and considerate before Tom, and I was like, "Well, this is boring."
- JSJay Shetty
So this i- again, a really, really interesting thing [laughs] happened at this event. I, I found out in my teens that a lot of my guy friends had a technique they used, and their technique was to pick on women-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh, wow
- JSJay Shetty
... or notice something that was a flaw about them. So every other guy would come up to you and be like, "Oh, I really like your
- 17:29 – 23:44
The Technique Men Use to Flirt with Women
- JSJay Shetty
shoes" or, "Oh, you have a beautiful smile," or, "Oh, I really like your eyes," and they'd get looked over. And one guy would come up, and he would say, "There's something off about you today. I'm not sure. The energy around you is just... I don't know. It, it feels like there's something, but I don't know. You're, like, holding back." And all of a sudden, that woman is spending the whole evening thinking about that guy. This happened to one of my team members a couple of months back, and someone came up to her and said, "That coat you're wearing today just feels like you're scared of opening up." And she was thinking about that guy the whole night, and there were other men who came and told her positive things, and beautiful things, and whatever, and she couldn't think about it. And so I think a lot of men have used that technique to get attention-And it sounds crazy 'cause when you hear it, it logically doesn't make sense. But when you think about it in the moment, you're like, "Yeah, of course that makes sense," 'cause you feel they sense something about you. You feel they noticed your energy, but they didn't.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
They were just trying to find a way, and that, when you were six years old, that was pulling your hair.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
But this is the updated version that women experience today. And so we love that mystery. We love that feeling of like, "Oh, well, if he's being mean, that's just his way of flirting with me." But do you want someone who's mean when they flirt with you?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Why? [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Like, is that what you want? Is that how you wanna feel? So I don't want someone who notices my weaknesses before they notice my greatness, and so I think it's a matter of priority, but it does come from childhood, and it continues on.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
I think a big part of it is also we've never seen positive relationships mirrored for us. Like, when did you grow up? If you could remember one positive relationship growing up, I don't think I saw that, and so people are mirroring what they saw on TV. They're mirroring what they saw at home. They're mirroring what they saw in magazines. I mean, me, as an Indian boy growing up in London, grew up, if you asked me who I was attracted to, I was attracted to blonde-haired women-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... with blue eyes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
But I'd never probably even met someone with blonde hair and blue eyes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
But that's what I was told to fall in love with. That's what was marketed to me.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I think we underestimate how much marketing has an impact on us. When I was gonna propose to Radhi, I asked my brother-in-law how much I should spend on an engagement ring, and he said, "You should spend about two to three months' salary." I was like, "Okay," so I went and spent two to three months' salary, and I'd spoken to a couple of other men who'd said the same thing. Thankfully, I didn't make a lot at that time.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
So it wasn't that much of a expense. I bought the ring, proposed. Obviously Radhi said yes. We got married. Now, what's really interesting is years later I looked into that because I was like, "Well, how is that so specific?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Two to three months seems like a really thought-through plan, and I spoke to a lot of other men who all concurred with me that they spent two to three months' salary no matter how much they made. I started looking at it online. I found a De Beers commercial.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
It's from the 1980s. I'm not kidding you. You can go and find it on YouTube. YouTube it right now.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
I went onto YouTube. In the 1980s, there's a commercial which I remember it being like a silhouette of a man and a woman.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And I'm not kidding you. At the end of the commercial, it says, "What better way to spend two to three months' salary?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh my God.
- JSJay Shetty
It literally says that, and I couldn't believe it. I was like, "Wow, we've all been brainwashed," that I proposed 25 years after-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah
- 23:44 – 28:39
The Difference Between Adapting vs. Diminishing Yourself in Relationships
- LBLisa Bilyeu
love, so let me sacrifice. In the small ti- things it isn't a big deal. So it's like, all right, fine, I'll go watch soccer with him even if I don't like soccer. That's one thing. But the big ones that actually end up wrecking a lot of women is they've sacrificed their entire lives. They've sacrificed the career for the family, whether it's kids or the husband, and as we get older, we start to realize, hang on a minute, what about me? And that maybe compromise that we felt good with now actually we realize was a sacrifice that we'll never get back. How do you differentiate compromise and sacrifice, and where's that fine line between one's actually really healthy, and one's, like, the thing that will break your relationship?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. There's two words that I like usingMore than sacrifice and compromise, because I think they come with so much baggage.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And the two words are adjusting and abandoning.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
And so there's a difference between adjusting yourself and abandoning yourself. Adjusting yourself means I'm making room for love. Abandoning means I'm disappearing to make space for it. Adjusting is saying, "I'm happy to be flexible." Abandoning is saying, "I'm gonna bend so much that I'll probably break." Adjusting is growing. I'm actually becoming better through this choice. Abandoning is shrinking. I'm losing myself through this choice. And adjusting is I'm gonna help you move forward. Abandoning is I'm gonna leave myself behind.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
And so what I find a lot of us do is when we don't know who we are, we abandon ourselves, and the difference is adjusting is something two people do, abandoning is something one person does. Adjusting requires two people to move, to mold, to pivot. Abandoning just requires one person to give up everything. And so what I find the reason why a lot of people end up in this place is because they were never told to have their own dream. They were never told they were allowed to have their own mission. They're never told that they had a purpose, and chances are they met someone, their partner, who had a very clear purpose, and they assumed that my purpose must be to help them.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And it kinda felt good in the beginning.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because it gave life meaning, right? In the beginning, it was all good. It was like, "I'm gonna do this for them, and they're going out to crush it, and they'll do really well, and I'll live through them. And then maybe if I have children, I'll live through them." And so all of it becomes living life and meaning through being a provider and a supporter of other people. Which by the way, if it satisfies you, that's beautiful.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
It sounds like me and you have met a lot of people who are not satisfied by that, and I think the reason for that is your purpose can't be a person, right? Your purpose is something that isn't dependent on someone else's existence. It's dependent on you. That's what it is. It's something that's connected to you, not connected to you and that person-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Wow
- JSJay Shetty
... that you're serving. So in the beginning, it felt good. We got it. We found meaning. As time went on, you started to realize that person was living their dreams, and you were just watching them.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And no matter how good you felt watching that person live their dreams, you wanna live your dreams, too. Now, you have two choices. A lot of us will blame it on that person, and when you blame it on that person, chances are you've heard these words before. They'll say, "Well, I didn't ask you to. I didn't tell you to," and that really hurts.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
Because-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... you've just given up so much, and you're like, "Wait a minute. You didn't ask me to, but you never told me to stop. You never told me not to. You gladly took it when I did it for you. So wait a minute, where are we now?" Now, that fractures the relationship. It's one of the biggest reasons people will break up, get divorced, relationship falls apart, they lose connection. So what do we do with that? A mature person would never have said, "Well, I never asked you to." A mature person will say, "Well, what's your dream?" The challenge is that person didn't even have the foresight to understand that you were gonna feel this way. They just got excited that your life looked like it had meaning, and they were like, "Great, this helps. It works. It's supporting all of us. We're good." So it's not that they're a bad person. It's just that they didn't really think that far ahead-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because chances are they've never seen someone think that far ahead.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And their response of, "I never asked you to," you can kind of understand why they would say that as a protective mechanism because it feels right now, "Oh, my God, is it all my fault?"
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That your life hasn't been what you hoped it would be.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Well, that's a big burden for a partner to take on. So to protect yourself, you make it was, "That was your decision," which actually is true.
- JSJay Shetty
It is true, but it's a really-
- 28:39 – 31:50
This is the Biggest Reason for Breakups & How to Avoid It
- LBLisa Bilyeu
me to in the first place.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, and that, and that's that, like, weird space we all end up in where we take on a role because we get validation in the beginning.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And we appreciate and like that.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And then we run out of that role. We don't wanna play that role anymore, by the way, which is also natural.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And the problem is when we don't wanna play that role anymore, that other person got so used to us playing that role that they're now also going through a grief.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And we're going through a grief. They're going through a grief of our former self that they were in love with, and we're going through a grief of our former self.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So we're both missing a person who doesn't exist anymore. They're missing the person we used to be. We're missing the person we used to be, but we know we wanna be a different person, and they're trying to figure out whether they're gonna like this different person. So there's a lot at play here. What we wanna do is if you're at the early stages of a relationship, spot this early, both men and women. Whoever you are, whichever role you're playing, spot it early. Don't just fall into the trap of, "Oh, it works for now. Let's just see how it goes." And I think if your partner can't see that, you need to see that for yourself. Take responsibility. I think it genuinely comes down to looking back at you taking control, accountability, and power of your life, and what you're gonna do with that time and energy now. Like, you just don't want anything you said to sound like you're blaming that other person and shifting the accountability onto them. Because like you said, it's gonna feel weighty for them, and they're gonna feel like, "Oh, God, I don't wanna take on that weight. I feel too much pressure. Now I'm gonna throw it back on you," and that's what we end up doing.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So I think it's fine to say, "Hey, I've been doing this for the last 10 years. It's not who I wanna be anymore, and I understand that that adjustment is gonna make changes for you. I'd love to discuss those changes." And now you're talking about the changes-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and the edits, not talking about that person and you, rather than saying, "Oh, you won all the awards you wanted to. Where am I?" When you make it about you and them-All of a sudden, you're not talking about what it's actually about, which is, "Here's how things are gonna change. How is this gonna affect you? What can we do in the middle period to make the transition more effective?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's change management, not the person management, and I think the challenge is we make it about that person and what they should have done, what they could have done, the time we've lost, the energy we've invested, what we didn't get out of it. And I get it, that is the emotional layer that needs to be explored, but that's not gonna keep that person in your life in a healthy way. It's gonna create friction, and sadly, we don't have many good examples of people who've been through that-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... transition because people turn it into a blame game.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I made sure that I didn't blame Tom, and I needed to make sure it was true before I said it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
But the truth was he didn't force me. The truth is I never said I was unhappy. Like, all of these things, I had to be very honest about of where my, um, my actions actually contributed to where I was. Um, I actually interviewed recently a guy called Jefferson Fisher, and he-
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, yeah, I like Jefferson.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh, my God.
- JSJay Shetty
I've seen his stuff on Instagram, yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
He's so good.
- JSJay Shetty
Really good.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Okay, so he even said, when you're having a tough conversation, instead of saying, "I wanna talk to you," right, that makes it very personal, you, you say the room. So you're saying, "I want this room to be a safe space where I can be transparent and honest. Are you comfortable with that?"
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- 31:50 – 34:52
Promoting a Healthy Relationship Through 'US' and 'WE'
- LBLisa Bilyeu
You're then getting their buy-in to say yes, and you're then saying, um, "I don't need you to fix it. I need this to be a place where you can listen," and so you're telling them what to expect. So learning the language to communicate-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... with your partner so you don't trigger them, so that you both can have an emotionally sober conversation, I think ends up being the most fruitful thing that we can do.
- JSJay Shetty
I always say to people, "Use us and we-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... not you and me."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
So I've had couples that I've worked with write out what they wanna say, and all of it is filled with you and me.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
"You didn't do this. It made me feel like this. You always do this. You never think about me." So it's you and me, you and me, you and me, and I've asked them to change every you and me-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... to us and we. Why? Because now we're a team. If I say, "Let's think about how we can get to where we want to be. Let's think about us at the center of this conversation. Let's think about how to protect us," now I'm not saying, "You need to be thinking about how to protect me."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Uh-huh.
- JSJay Shetty
"You should be thinking about how to make me happy," well, then we're not a team anymore. Now I'm saying it's all your responsibility, it's all your accountability, and it's all on you. And by the way, I'm sitting over here feeling hurt, dejected, and down. Whereas now when I say, "Is this what we both want? Is this the kind of relationship that we both wanna have? Do we wanna create a space where both of us can grow?" All of a sudden it's like, yes, we're doing this together. Yes, we're a team. Yes, we're collaborating. And I think too many people are competing for power-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... rather than collaborating to create power together, and that competition with your partner is the worst place to be because now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're trying to win, not win together. Now when you win, it means they lose. I always say this to people, if you win an argument, that means your partner lost. You both lost. If you win and they lose, you lose. If they win and you lose, you lose. You either win together or lose together-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... because you're together. So us and we, not you and me, solves that, and I recommend people write out what they're about to text, what they're about to say to their partner, and if you changed every you and me to us and we, it will transform the energy of the conversation.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so good. That's so simple and so good.
- JSJay Shetty
So simple.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And one other thing that you just mentioned that was almost subtlety, it takes out the absolutes of, like, "You never do this for me," because I think that when you're trying to make an effort and then someone says, "You don't ever," it's kind of like, well, why am I even bothering? And so if you say we, there was no absolutes in the we.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. It's ... There's two words you wanna take out of every argument: always and never.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Because no one always does something, and no one never does something. We always have so much more gray and so much more in between, but we're so tempted to just say, "You never do anything for me,"
- 34:52 – 36:41
Never Say these Two Words During An Argument
- JSJay Shetty
or, "You always forget to do the dishes."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And those statements make that person feel that you've invalidated any time that they actually followed through. Chances are they have followed through, but we're invalidating it. Now what we're arguing about, we're arguing about the mathematical accuracy-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... of how often I've washed the dishes versus when I haven't.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's great.
- JSJay Shetty
Which was not the conversation. Now everyone's, "All right, tell me one."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
You just have to prove it.
- JSJay Shetty
"Go on, tell me one."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
"Prove me one," and then they're like, "Yeah, I did it last Thursday, and the Thursday before, and the last Friday," and now we're arguing about mathematical accuracy. And I think the point is when we're having a disagreement, we're never really arguing about the disagreement.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, no.
- JSJay Shetty
We're arguing about affection. We're arguing about power. We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's what we're arguing about, but now we think we're arguing about the dishes. We think we're arguing about the birthday. That's not what we're arguing about, and so the more we can actually focus on what we're actually talking about, which is what we were just talking about, let's talk about the transition.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
We're not arguing about whether you achieved your dreams and I didn't. We're talking about how does this change now, and that's what we need to win for.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah. God, that, that's so good.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Um, okay, so you mentioned earlier about how sometimes we can, uh, misunderstand or miscommunicate, and we think one thing's one thing, but actually it's the other. So the compromise versus the sacrifice, in your words, it was adjust-
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, adjusting and abandoning.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, amazing. Um, I actually have a few more 'cause I was like, okay, what are the things that get us trapped in a relationship, going back to, like, the settling thing, and why we either choose the wrong person or we end up staying in a relationship that isn't right? And there were a few things that I think that we get confused on.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So I've written a few down that-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... I'd actually love to talk about, so actually let's start with love and lust. So how would you look at the difference between love and lust, and how, if someone's listening right now, can they decipher which one they're in?
- JSJay Shetty
The difference between love and lust
- 36:41 – 38:24
Is it Love or Just Lust?
- JSJay Shetty
is that lust is that excitement, exhilaration of connection. Love is how you handle disconnection.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If there's only lust, then when there's an argument or a disagreement, you don't know how to get on the same page. That's why we call it make-up sex or break-up sex, because you resort to an activity that's fueled by passion-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh
- JSJay Shetty
... to solve a problem that can't be healed by it, right? If you've had a disconnection, or if you've had a problem, or if there's a challenge, and you don't like the way the person behaves with you, then there's no love.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Because that's what you're looking for. You're looking for, can someone bring love to a place where there isn't any, or where we're lacking it, or where we've run out of it, or where we've lost it? That's what love is. Love is something that exists within both of you, and when you're disagreeing, you're distant. If there's love, you'll become closer through it. If there isn't love, you push yourselves away through it. So when I meet a new couple, I like to ask them, "What was the last disagreement you have? And do you like the way your partner and you came to a conclusion or came to a solution?" It's how we deal with the tough stuff that makes all the difference.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so good. What's interesting, I've been with someone for 25 years, ne- we've never once had make-up sex. I'm just thinking about that.
- JSJay Shetty
Well, that's a good thing. That shows why you guys are so strong.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's what... Yeah. That's almost like, actually, because once we've, like, kind of come to an agreement, I'm still so raw, and so I just need to be cuddled. I need sweetness. Like, I, the last thing I want is, like, crazy sex.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So that's fascinating.
- JSJay Shetty
Well-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Never dawned on me
- JSJay Shetty
... well, the studies show, right, that the reason why sex releases chemicals, that makes you forget the argument.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh,
- 38:24 – 45:24
Are You Comfortable or Complacent in Your Relationship?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So it's not even-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh. Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... like you actually feel better.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
You just think you feel better, and so you actually never came to a solution, and that's why it's not the healthiest way to solve a problem.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Because if you're relying on lust to solve the problem, then all you're left with is lust. It's not love.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so true.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
But yet my ex, who was very toxic, we had a lot of make-up sex-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... and break-up sex.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, exactly.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Um, all right. So, um, the difference between comfortable or complacent. Have you settled into a healthy rhythm, or are you stuck in an unfulfilling routine?
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Mm. I think comfortable is something you feel together, and complacent is something one person feels.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So if you can both agree, "I love the way we're living. We love our life. I love the vacations we go on, I love our friends, I love what we're creating," there's a comfort in that, and that's what we're all looking for. We're looking for someone that we can come home to and cozy up with. We're looking for someone who feels like a warm cup of coffee.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
That's comfortable, right? We want that in a partner. But if one person can't agree to that, then that person feels the other person's being complacent. Now what happens is people are scared to accept that they're being complacent, because it means, like, they're not showing up enough or doing enough.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
It's a very negative word.
- JSJay Shetty
It's a very negative word, but the point is, you've gotta listen to your partner.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If your partner's genuinely saying, "Hey, I don't think we're comfortable, I think we're complacent. There's no moments to look forward to anymore," and that's what complacency is. I think comfort is ... Comfort is stable excitement, right? It's like we feel a sense of there's still ex- things to look forward to, we come back down. There's this beautiful harmonic movement of a wave. There's like a comfort in looking at the ocean, even though it's constantly moving. It's still moving, it's doing its thing.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Complacency's almost just like there's no rhythm. There's only routine. We're kind of both robots performing the same roles, the same tasks, the same things. There's no spontaneity. There's no change. There's no shift. And I think it really does take one person to have the courage to say it, and my hope is that when the other person hears it, again, you as a team come to a conclusion of how to get out of it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's still a together thing to solve, even if it's a one person to raise. This is the biggest thing: If you want this relationship to work, you've gotta help your partner help themselves help your relationship, and you help them. And I think the challenge we have is a lot of us feel like we're the only one doing it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And if you feel you're the only one doing it, there's two things you need to do. The first thing you need to do is something I call a relationship audit, because this has helped me so many times. A lot of us think relationships are who makes the money, who takes care of the house. We look at it through two things. But relationships are physical, who's taking care of the house, the physical surroundings; financial, who is making the money, taking care of the finances. It's mental, who's setting the mindset of this relationship. It's emotional, who's setting the nurturing of this relationship. And it's spiritual, who's setting the faith or the spiritual direction of this relationship. Every time I've thought about it this way, I've realized me and Radhi are even leaders.
- 45:24 – 48:06
Don't Let Your Insecurities Affect Your Current Relationship
- JSJay Shetty
be doing is asking questions. So there's two questions I believe that everyone should ask as early as possible in a relationship. The first is, "How do you show love?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
That person may say to you, "I show love by always showing up on time. I show love by always picking up the phone. I show love by always responding to a text message." And all of a sudden you realize that you were just insecure about whether they loved you or not, because you were measuring whether they loved you based on how your ex loved you, rather than asking them how do they show love. Because you didn't see them turning up on time as love, you saw it as being timely. You didn't see them picking up the phone as love, you saw that as being available. You didn't see them as texting back as being love, you saw them as being responsive. But that was love through being available, responsive, because that's how they see love, and you should tell that person how you see love. Now you take away insecurities, because now I don't have to guess whether a text or a lack of one is love or not, because the person's told me how they show love. And the second question is, "What do you need when you're sad?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
"What do you need when you're having a bad day? What would you like me to do?" Because the truth is we're all guessing. It's where our intuition fails us sometimes. We're thinking, "What do I need on a bad day?" And we're trying to give it to that person.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And what's really interesting is we think people love the way we do, and when they don't, we feel hurt.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So we feel, "Well, if I was stuck or having a bad day, I know I'd want a hug. I know I'd want a really nice message. I know I'd want you to turn up." And so we do that to that person, and that person goes, "Wait, wait, wait, this is too much. I didn't need this." And we think, "Oh, well, that person doesn't love me. They don't appreciate me."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
But actually we never checked in with them. And so to me, intuition and insecurity are all about checking, and these are my two favorite questions for checking.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so good. Okay, let me give a, a scenario for you then.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, please. Please.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And I want you to, um-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, that'll be fun
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... let me know how you navigate it. So let's assume you're, uh, on a date, and you really like them. And you're like, "Oh my God, we have this connection. Maybe they're the one. And my gut is telling me this is the one, Jay." So how do you know in that moment that your gut is telling you that that person is the right person, or it's just the toxic-
- JSJay Shetty
Great
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... pattern-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... that you've had from childhood that says if someone acts like this, it means love?
- JSJay Shetty
You don't know in that moment. Your gut's lying to you.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
It's just plain and simple. It's very unrealistic for anyone to know in the first month of dating whether someone is the one
- 48:06 – 53:29
The Three People You'll Fall With in Love in Your Life
- JSJay Shetty
or one of the people they'll be with.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Now, that person may evolve into the one, but you can't truly guarantee you knew it in that moment. You may say that in hindsight, and a lot of people will be like-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And by the way, me and Radhi say that too.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I felt like I knew that. When, by the way, when I met Radhi, I knew in the first week, or the first couple of weeks, that she was the one. I would have said that then. Now when I look back on that statement, I realize how crazy that was, because I didn't even know what was expected of me. What's been expected of me in the last 12 years has made me realize she's the one every day. I could never have known that on our wedding day. And by the way, even if your intuition turns out to be right, that's beautiful, but let's not put that out there as advice. That's what I'm trying to get to.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I always say to people that you'll fall in love with three people in your lifeThe first is a firework. It lights up the sky, it's a big bang, but it fades very, very quickly
- LBLisa Bilyeu
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And we all fall in love with that person
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
There's a second person you'll fall in love with, which is the candle. It burns not as bright, it's a bit calmer. It burns longer, but you might even put it out yourself because it gets boring. And then the third person is the mirror, and the mirror compassionately holds up to you a reflection of yourself, shows you all your flaws, your weaknesses. And the problem is, a lot of us can't handle that. We think the mirror's broken-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... because we don't wanna see that, and so we push that away, and that's usually the one. The one's usually the person who can hold up the mirror to you in a compassionate and non-judgmental way
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
So you'll have people who hold up the mirror to you, but they'll do it by going, "Look at who you are. Don't you see it?" That's not the one. You'll have people who hold up the mirror to you, but it's a broken mirror 'cause they're just projecting their brokenness onto you, and that's not the one. The one is the person who compassionately, non-judgmentally, with love and empathetically holds up a mirror to you and allows you to hold up a mirror to them, and I don't believe that's one person that's out there. It's the person that you both do it for
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
It has to be a mutual thing. And so I think we need to lose this idea of this destined, fated, perfect person, fully formed, fully created, that exists, and go, "Who's willing to work for me, and who am I willing to work for? Who's willing to learn with me, and who am I willing to learn for? Who's willing to grow for me, and who am I willing to grow for?" And you won't know that in the first month. You have no idea in the first month whether someone's willing to grow for you, whether someone's willing to learn for you, whether someone's willing to change for you. Go through the challenges, grow through the challenges, make mistakes, see how you respond and live through that. And so you know someone loves you not when you have a great first date, but when you have a great first fight. Like, you know someone loves you not when they surprise you on your birthday, but when they can deal with you having a surprising or challenging emotion. You know someone loves you not when you have an amazing vacation together, but when you figured out how to be okay when you didn't have one. Like, that's how you learned-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... that you loved each other. When I look at me and Radhi, I look at the fact that when we moved country, when I lost my jobs, when I was transitioning, like, when we're figuring stuff out, that's what proves to me that she's the one, not the amazing wedding we had and not the amazing early dates we had. Like, they don't now prove to me that we love each other. So I don't think you get to see that for a long time
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
And it is that investment
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, and there was a study that I read that showed that to make someone an acquaintance, a casual acquaintance in your life, takes 40 hours. To consider someone a friend in your life, you have to spend 100 hours
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
And to consider someone a good friend in your life, you have to spend 200 hours. If you haven't spent 200 hours together yet, you really don't know this person, and I think that's why, as adults, it's so hard to find adult friends, and why it's so hard to date, because it's very unlikely that as an adult you have 200 hours to get to know someone. But that's true, and I, I feel that resonates. When I think about anyone I feel knows me deeply, and that I know deeply, I've spent 200 hours with them
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
In your first month of dating, what do you know about this person? You don't know about their relationship with their parents. You don't know about their relationship with their siblings. You don't know about their relationship with their boss. You don't know about their relationship with you in any other circumstance-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- 53:29 – 56:02
Why Trust Should Be Given Easily
- LBLisa Bilyeu
I think then in those moments, in that first month of dating, we go off our emotions and the chemicals in our body-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... but we're made to believe it's love or trust or things like that
- JSJay Shetty
And I'm so glad you remembered that and it, it resonated with you. Like, I'm not saying you're sitting there either judging them as well and going, "Oh, wait a minute, are they trustworthy?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, no
- JSJay Shetty
Like, it's not like, it's not either/or. And then the reason I say that is because I think we give away trust too easily. If you've not seen someone in multiple moods, and when you're in multiple moods, how can you trust them?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
Because you don't know how they're gonna respond to you being a certain way, so you can't trust them in that specific experience. And so your trust is very broad and overarching, and I think at one point we just have to stop breaking our own heart, because we don't fall in love with the person, we fall in love with who we expect them to be. We don't fall in love with the person that they are, we fall in love with the potential that we see for them. We don't fall in love with the acts that they show us, we fall in love with the dreams that we hope they're gonna help us build. And so our constant reality is being lived in our head, and now you're not living in reality, you're living in your mind, and then that person doesn't live up to the picture in your mind. They're living in the real world, and now they hurt you. And so we break our own hearts because-We don't allow that person to earn our trust. We break our own hearts because we don't let them prove themselves in different experiences and scenarios.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And we break our own heart because we imagined who they were before they showed us they were. And so we're constantly, we're just constantly breaking our own hearts because you just don't know how someone's gonna do something until you see them do it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So where's that line between the values that someone has versus what they say? 'Cause actually, let's go back to r- uh, relationships-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... and how you cannot fix something. In fact, I've-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... got a Jay Shetty quote, "We think we have to fix people, but we have to love them while they fix themselves."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So how often do we try to? What's, why is that detrimental, and why do we keep doing it?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Why do we keep trying to fix people?
- JSJay Shetty
I think the first thing you have to understand is you can't fix anyone, right? You can't fix someone else, but you can break yourself in the process. You can't fix someone else, but you can waste a lot of years believing that you can. And you can't fix anyone, but you can convince yourself
- 56:02 – 1:00:39
Fixing Someone Isn't Your Responsibility
- JSJay Shetty
that it's your responsibility. So I think those are the three things we do.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
We convince ourself it's our responsibility, we convince ourself it's only a matter of time, and we convince ourself I'm ready to do anything it takes to fix them. Because guess what? We believe if we fight hard enough, I can make the wrong person the right person. Why do we do it? Number one, it validates us. It gives our life meaning and value. We have a role to play, and we believe we have a target to hit.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If we can successfully make this person fixed, we did something amazing. It's actually about us. The second reason is we don't wanna be with a loser, by what we think is a loser. We don't wanna be with someone, 'cause that now brings down our value. We now feel, well, if I'm with someone who doesn't sort themselves out, then everyone else is gonna think that I have no value. So now again, we're thinking about our value again. We're actually not thinking about them. And third, if we're truly compassionate and altruistic and really caring about them, we genuinely see their potential. You see their potential, and you're thinking, "They could just be amazing. They could be phenomenal." And maybe there is a part of you that does it from a deep sense of care because you can see how amazing they are.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
But the reason you can't fix them is because maybe that's not what they wanna fix. Maybe that's not how they see they're broken. Maybe that's not the part of themselves they wanna mend. The potential you see isn't the potential they see. They maybe don't even want that life. I remember saying that to Radhi for so long, where it was like I didn't want her to mirror her life off of anything I wanted to do. I was like, "I want you to do exactly what you wanna do." And Radhi loved learning, so she did courses, and she did Ayurveda, and she did yoga teacher training. She was doing all this education 'cause she was so happy and excited about it. She did a book 'cause she was excited about it. She launched a podcast because she was excited about learning. And I've had so many people say to me like, "I wish he was more ambitious." And I'm like, "Well, then go and find someone more ambitious, 'cause chances are he doesn't want to be ambitious. He's showing you every day that he doesn't wanna be ambitious, and you think because you're ambitious you can make him ambitious. No, you can't. You can make him try harder for a month, but he's gonna go back to being that same person."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And he probably just feels worse about it.
- JSJay Shetty
Exactly. He's now carrying the guilt, and now he's insecure, wondering if you're gonna leave him, because he actually thinks that you might because you're not satisfied with him. Every time he meets an ambitious man, he's now judging himself and measuring himself up against that person.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
But he doesn't wanna be that. He has different values. And so going back to a point we made earlier, you ... Getting someone to value what you value isn't love. If I convince you to value what I value, that isn't love. Love is I love what you value because it makes you who you are. I've always said that Radhi's number one value in life is family. It's always her number one value. My number one value in life is purpose. I will choose purpose over a family event. Radhi will choose family over a purpose event for her.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Neither is right or wrong. It's just who we are, and I love that for her. If she would choose to go and spend time with her family over an event that I had to go to, I would love that for her. Why? It makes her the person I love.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
The reason she's so adorable and lovable-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and everything is because of her value. And why would she be happy for me to choose purpose over the family event? Because she knows that's what makes me lovable. The man that she loves, the man that she admires, the man that she respects is that man who makes that choice. So you trying to change your partner's values are gonna make them less of the person you love and more of the person you don't love. You're actually gonna take away from them their spark and their joy and their heart and their value and everything, and you're actually gonna become their kryptonite-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and shrink them, because you're taking away what they value.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Okay, so what if you're with somebody, so you've got with Radhi, you know she values family.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's ... You see it's beautiful. You see how that shows up. What sometimes happens over time, though, is their value starts to change.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And they're now no longer that person that got the joy from, let's say, the family. In those moments, I think we try to fix that person, to come back to the person that we first met, that we first fell in love with.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And going back to the growth thing, where it's like you can be on different paths, sometimes I think someone in a relationship dynamic, one partner is like, "Hang on a minute. I fell in love with this person. This is the person I maybe married. This is the person that I was with, and now over time you've changed." How do you start to navigate that
- 1:00:39 – 1:06:23
Three Ways to Adapt to Your Partner's Personality
- LBLisa Bilyeu
without the person feeling bad about that change?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So Radhi met you. You'd just come out of, uh, monkhood. I'm not sure what you would call it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
But it's monkhood. Um, so you'd just come out of monkhood, and you're coaching, you're teaching. She knows who you are. You're all spiritual. Let's say 10 years later, you're just an ass. You don't care about work. You don't really care about people.And now she's like, "Hang on a minute, you're not the person I fell in love with."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, absolutely. There's three things. The first is you have to check whether that person wants to change, and how they want to change, and who they want to be, and that will take time because it will take time for them to open up-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and admit. Because let's say they want to be that person they were before, that's hard for them to admit because it feels really far for them, and they feel it's quite impossible. So in the beginning they may say, "I don't wanna talk about it." In the beginning they may say, "No, I love who I am." In the beginning they may say, "No, I'm happy with how life's going." But those are just defense mechanisms to not really go there because they find it an unimaginable task to become that person again. So you have to be patient and check, and that will take time. The second thing after checking and seeing if they're even ready for change, if they are, is are you open to being the person that is now required of you while they change?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Are you willing to be patient? Are you willing to shift? Are you willing to adjust in order to be patient now that you know how they're changing and where they're growing and going? It's all about you. It's not about them. It's about are you okay with that? And then the third is, are you willing to fall in love with them again? Are you willing to fall in love with the same person again now that they're a different person, or are you not? So it's all about you. We think it's about them. I'll give you a really practical example. I was working with someone years ago now, and they had discovered that their partner was addicted to porn, and it was really hurtful to them because they didn't wanna be in a partnership where the other person had this addiction. So their first reaction was, "This has to end. I can't be with this person. I thought they were the one. I can't believe it." When they sat themselves down and finally got the partner to open up, who by the way was ashamed, guilty, dealing with all of their stress around this themselves, the partner finally said, "I don't wanna have this addiction either. I really wanna work on it."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So now we move to question number two. After the checking and knowing, the question was, and I asked them this question, "Are you willing to be patient? Are you willing to realize that your partner will have days where they will fall back into their addiction? Are you willing to tolerate the idea that you may feel betrayed? Are you willing to tolerate the memories you will have of the pictures they have on their phone?"
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
Because none of that's going away. So it's not about whether you can forgive them, it's about whether you can tolerate your memories, your pain, and your stress that keeps coming back every time you look at them. Are you willing to change and adjust because now you know where they wanna go? And are you willing to go at their timeline, not yours? It's your question. That person at that time said, "Yes, I'm gonna wait. I believe in them, and I'm gonna wait." And then the third step is were they willing to fall in love with the same person who's now a different person? That couple's been together for as long as I've known them now.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
And it was a long process. It wasn't easy. If someone's an addict, it's gonna take a long time. By the way, the person who was doing the waiting, they probably lost years of their life while they were supporting that person as well.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
But they wanted to do that. They opted in for that life. And I don't think someone should be shamed or guilted for staying or leaving based on where they are in their life-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because you have to live based on your values. And so yes, you may end up realizing that 10 years down the line you're married to someone who has a different set of values. And let's paint the opposite picture. They like where their life's going. They don't wanna change.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
They don't wanna go back to who they were. Sadly, you have to ask yourself the same question two and three. Do I wanna change with this change? Do I even have to change, or actually can I just be the same? And can I fall in love with this person again now that they're a different person?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And if you can't, sadly that is how things end, but you shouldn't force yourself to keep looking for the person they once were in the person they are today because you're gonna spend your whole life searching for someone who's disappeared or doesn't exist anymore, and you're gonna keep hoping and waiting for that person to come back. And people waste their whole life doing that when that person left a long time ago.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's such a great breakdown, and you, you ... I love how you think. Like, I really love how you think because every time I'm like, "Okay, he's gonna answer it like this," you never do. Like, the idea of, like, asking yourself those questions is so important, like 1,000%, because I'm-
- JSJay Shetty
'Cause it's on you.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think... But I'm... Look, I started Women of Impact channel so that women never feel like they give their power away again. Where are the moments where we end up losing that control or losing our power and we never find it again? We spend the rest of our life feeling weak, unable to get back up metaphorically. And so I love the personal ownership. I love it because then no one can impact it except for me. And so even the way you broke it down, I think for me, I would've given my power away
- 1:06:23 – 1:12:29
You Can't Live on Someone Else’s Timeline
- LBLisa Bilyeu
to that person. How long are you gonna take? When are you gonna do it by?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
I thought you said you were gonna do this, but you didn't just do that.
- JSJay Shetty
I was just about to say that all of those questions are unanswerable.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
All of those questions have no answer. If I asked you the question to think about, like, well, how long do you think it's gonna take for you to figure out this addiction? That person doesn't have a clue.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
It's your timeline, and when you don't wanna make it about your timeline, you wanna make it about the person, what you're doing is you're actually putting pressure on them to change next week. I always say to someone, I'm like, "It's gonna take someone, like, seven years to change." Like, if you really look at human change, it takes three to seven years for someone to actually change.So you're committing to a long period of time if you're gonna commit to change, and that's if someone's actually doing the work, putting in the time-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... putting in the energy. Now what ends up happening is people usually put in the energy, they then fall back. And when you're waiting for them to change, you're like, "Wait a minute. Last month-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah
- JSJay Shetty
... you were doing everything right. What's going on right now?" And now what you're doing is creating stress for yourself and them. If you're not willing to wait three to 10 years, chances are it's not gonna happen in three months, depending on-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... what the change is. But I think a lot of us want things to happen in months that take years, and it's an unanswerable question because no one knows. And by the way, that person will always flip-flop because that's what change is like. Change isn't linear. It isn't in one direction. It's multi-direction and multifaceted, and up and down. And so if you don't wanna tolerate that, if you don't feel ready to do that, you're well within your rights to say-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... "I can't do this." And I think, [sighs] it's- it's so hard when we live our lives based on someone else's timeline. It- you can't. You'll always be chasing it or pressurizing it or pushing it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
It's such a good technique. Um, in thinking about change as well, the one thing that Tom and I do is if I'm trying to change something ... So I used to say to him, like, "You always" or "You never," right? I was very dramatic like that. And I realized it. I made a very conscious effort to stop, but when you've been doing it in a relationship for 15, 20 years, it's so natural. So I start changing my behavior, and it was like something like three or four months, I hadn't said it. I caught myself every time, and then I go and accidentally drop it. And he's like, "Here you go. You go and do absolutes." I'm like, "You're right. I've been doing it. I haven't been doing it for four months, and I just messed up." And he's like, "What do you mean you haven't been doing it for four months?" And so I realize, and we use this language with each other, it's like, "I understand that your mental map of me hasn't quite updated yet."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And so it's gonna take time for his mental map of me to update. It's kind of a way of saying, "You may not have noticed, but I- I understand why."
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Because I think that's also on the other side, we blame the, "I can't believe you haven't noticed."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- LBLisa Bilyeu
"You said that you wanted me to do the dishes. I've been doing the bloody dishes for two weeks, and you haven't even noticed." Now we get annoyed, and we just give up.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes, absolutely. You're so right, and it's all about your level of tolerance and patience. And you being really clear about your timelines helps them be clear about theirs. If you say, "Hey, I'm willing to give this six months."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
"I'm willing to give this 12 months. Let me put a timeline on it. For me, that's how much I'm willing to be in this uncertainty to figure this out with you, however you want me to help you, however you wanna open up about it, but at that point, I have to make a decision for my future." And now you're not putting pressure on them saying, "You have to have solved your problem."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
You're saying, "That's how much time I'm giving myself," and I think that's what we're looking for, but we're looking for it from them, and that person's not gonna give you any clarity.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so good. Do you think a couple can recover from infidelity?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes and no. So two things. The first is your tolerance of the memories, betrayal, and pain. The question isn't, can you recover? The question is, are you okay with remembering?
- 1:12:29 – 1:16:16
This is the Type of Conversation You Should be Having With Your Partner
- JSJay Shetty
it's your fault. I'm just saying that's the reality if you want it to recover. It isn't your fault. This is not your fault.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, we have to be really clear about it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, of course.
- JSJay Shetty
It's not your fault. It doesn't ... It shouldn't have got there, but that person could do everything right from now on-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and this relationship could still go wrong because you didn't process what you had to process. So on your part, that's the mistake. On the other person's part, the mistake happens is either they're overcompensating in really inauthentic ways, or they feel so guilt and shamed by it that they now bring it up in every argument and go, "Oh, but you're always gonna play that card."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
"Oh, but don't play that card."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, "Oh, no, no, you're not allowed to use that card this time," and now they start building rules about when and where it's used. And you're like, "Wait a minute. I'm the one who was-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... on the receiving end of that. I get to decide where, when I talk about it." And so you haven't come to an agreement together-About the vocabulary, the language, the connection of how is this discussed? Where does it land? At what point are we complete through the healing process? At what point am I comfortable to not talk about it again? At what point am I gonna bring it up, and you can't rush me on that. That's the conversation that needs to be happening, not the conversation of, "Have you forgiven me yet?" That's not the conversation. The conversation is, "We may have to let this heal and talk about this for 12 months." Whereas it's not like, "Okay, have you forgiven me? It's been a week. Have you forgiven me? It's been a year. Have you forgive..." No, no, no. What do we actually need to talk about? Let's, let's focus on that, not the end point. We're all focused on the end, like, "When will you forgive me?" I don't know. "When will you forget about it?" I don't know. So let's not talk about deadlines. Let's talk about what this relationship looks like, what the vocabulary around this conversation is. When should we bring it up? How should we raise it? Are we gonna do therapy together? That's the conversations we wanna be having-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... if we both want this to work, and that's the critical starting point. Do we both want this to work? I think sometimes the person who's forgiving thinks, "I'm gonna forgive you. This is gonna work out."
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
You made a decision on your own, but that person didn't have to do anything. You just said, "Oh, I forgive you. Let's, let's just move on. It's okay." But that person didn't get to take part in that decision. You don't even know if they wanna be there. You don't even know if they want forgiveness or what that forgiveness looks like to them. So now you could be forgiving someone who's happy to continue to make that mistake because you never got their buy-in-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... on that decision you just made. So you made it easier 'cause you were like, "I solved it. It's fixed. I've forgiven it. Let's move on." But you haven't because you don't know where they stand.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Most times I assume they're going to f- fake it or say, "No, no, no, I'm never gonna do it again," and maybe in that moment they really believe it. Um, but the deep work that you're really kind of breaking down I think really brings everything to the surface so there's nowhere to hide, and there's no miscommunication. And I'm gonna go back to I love that you're always saying, like, the personal ownership part of it because you couldn't control that they cheated on you, right? That's just freaking heartbreaking. But to be able to control how you navigate it afterwards instead of waiting for them to show you, instead of waiting for them to say they're sorry so many times, I love that. It's so impactful.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, you control it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
You have the power. Like, don't, don't live in a world where you're giving them power again.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right?
- LBLisa Bilyeu
So this whole talk is really about building your self-worth, putting the validation on yourself, not expecting it for others. What are, like, five daily habits that you actually suggest that somebody does in order to build their self-worth and make sure that they never settle in a relationship that isn't right for them?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. The first habit for self-worth I'd say is take on a daily or weekly challenge.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Take on a challenge that you set yourself, that you set the challenge, the limit, the time limit, how hard it is, the difficulty level, whether it's learning a new language-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- 1:16:16 – 1:22:47
5 Daily Habits to Build Self-Worth
- JSJay Shetty
Your self-worth grows when you do hard things, when you do uncomfortable things, when you do difficult things on your own and you see that you can do it. Right? When you see yourself lifting that much more in the gym, when you see yourself be- feeling that much stronger, all of a sudden your self-worth grows because you get belief that I can do this, right? This is possible for me. Another way you grow self-worth is undoing and unwiring the trauma and the patterns that hold you back from the past. Now, what is a daily habit? How do you do that as a daily habit? What you wanna do is find one thing that you repeat that your parents did that you don't love. Just find one thing. And what you wanna do is you wanna be conscious of that one trigger and how it shows up in your life every day. You're not guilting yourself. You're not judging yourself. You're becoming aware of it so you can spot it and transform it. So for me, I'll give you an example, I found that a lot of my early caregivers over-loved me, but then guilted me for not over-loving them back.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
So they gave me lots of love, but then if I didn't give them back the same level of love, they'd say, "You don't love me." And I found myself doing that to Radhi. I found myself doing that to my friends. I found myself doing that to people in my life. I'd over-love them, and then guilt them for not loving me. So I found one thing.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I realized that guilting my wife didn't make her love me more.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, [laughs] no.
- JSJay Shetty
It pushed her away.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Guilting my wife made her feel that I didn't love her because I would treat her that way. And all I did for one year was I was aware of that every day, and every time I thought about guilting her, I would remind myself of how guilt didn't make me love that person more.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It pushed me away. And so that technique that I'd subconsciously picked up was actually breaking what I wanted. It wasn't actually getting me where I wanted. So become aware of just one pattern. Get into the details of it like that. The third habit for self-worth I'd say is ask people that you love and trust what you're really good at-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and what they notice in you that they appreciate.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Because you'll find that often they'll say things that you've never even thought of. Ask them, "What, what, what do I do really, really well? What skill do I have? What do you appreciate about me? What do you see about me?" And these are people you love and trust, so it's not an uncomfortable conversation to have.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Just be like, "I'm doing a self-worth exercise. I'm, I'm trying to learn more about myself, and one of the things Jay and Lisa told me to do was to ask people that I love and trust what skills I have, what qualities I have, what they really admire about me, what I'm good at. Like, what I appreciate." Fourth step, with the people that you're really close to, be okay with asking, "What do I need to work on?" And work on that. That will build self-worth. Self-worth isn't just about pumping yourself up. It's about noticing what's letting people down, and building it, and growing it, and working on that, not to become a people pleaser or to make it up to them, to say, "Look, I've changed now."But to say, "Oh, I, I've identified that. I can work on that. I'm confident working on it." Self-worth is not being confident about what you're great at, it's being confident enough to accept that there are things you're bad at-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and working on them.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
That's what self-worth is. I think we've painted self-worth to be all about the light, the positive, the good. Self-worth is being able to move in the shadows, to go into the cave of your darkness, the negativity, the bad, and feel comfortable in that and reconcile the two. That's what self-worth's about. And the fifth and final one I'd say is program your thoughts when you wake up and when you go to bed. There's something that I learned from a guest of mine called Rahul Jandial, and he's a surgeon and a dreams expert, and he was talking about this idea of something called sleep entry and sleep exit. And so sleep entry is this idea of when you're just about to fall asleep, and sleep exit is almost when you're just about to wake up.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And those moments are the moments where you can remember your dreams, you can program your subconscious thoughts. You're in that kind of mid state of you're not fully awake and you're not fully asleep. It's a really interesting space to be. And I would encourage everyone to code and program the thought that they want to have in those moments. So if you think about it, you set an alarm the night before you wake up so that you can wake up in the morning. You don't set an alarm the minute you wake up.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
It doesn't make sense. You would never do that.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So you have to code and program the thought you wake up with the night before.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so smart.
- JSJay Shetty
So when I'm going to sleep, what is the thought I wanna wake up with? I am energized, healthy, rested, rejuvenated. I am whatever it is. Program that thought the night before, wake up with that thought, and again, choose that thought. So there are 60 to 80,000 thoughts we have per day.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Wow.
- 1:22:47 – 1:25:25
Best Nighttime Routine to Block Negative Thoughts
- JSJay Shetty
Don't do it in bed.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
A lot of people sit in bed and start writing. Well, now the energy of your bed is heavy with all of the things you just wrote. Write about it in another room, leave it there. Put it on your phone, leave it there on a notes app, but do it in another room. When you get into bed, either listen to your voice repeating the words that you want in your head so that you now start listening and trusting your own inner voice-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and having trust in your intuition. Read it again and again. If you don't like the sound of your voice and you think it's cringe, actually, then you should listen to it even more so that you realize your voice-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... is not cringe. Uh, read it again and again and again off a piece of paper as it becomes your main thought, because it's all repetition, and see how it feels in your body. So I always say when you're repeating a phrase or a mantra, you have to believe it in your body, you have to mean it in your mind, and you have to feel it in your heart.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so every time you say a statement, it's not just saying it, you're trying to believe it in your body. What does it feel like when I believe that's true for me? Like, if I go to s- sleep believing I am waking up healthy, rejuvenated, and rested, I feel strong, I feel sturdy. I don't feel like this anymore. I f- there's a... My body changes. If I'm gonna mean it in my mind, I've gotta focus on how powerful it is when I wake up with a really focused mindset. And finally, I've gotta feel it in my heart. I've gotta feel what it feels like to live a day that starts off with health and abundance. When you can do it in that way, reading or listening to your own voice, all of a sudden it starts to become programmed. It's as simple as that. It's not complicated.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so good. I'm actually gonna start doing that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, try it. Yeah. What, and you... Whatever s- whatever affirmation, whatever, whatever you wanna say.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's not like some... I, I always like to take away the mysticism of it. It's not magic. You're doing it anyway.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Ah.
- JSJay Shetty
You already tell yourself-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Uh-huh
- JSJay Shetty
... "I sucked at work today." You're already telling yourself, "Oh, I'm... Oh, I didn't work out hard enough today. Oh, I forgot to do this today." You're already doing it, so you're just replacing it with what you actually wanna think that actually makes you better. You're, it's m- it's not magic.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Jay Shetty, dude, I could talk to you forever.
- JSJay Shetty
I know. I love it.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
I freaking love you so much.
- JSJay Shetty
It was such a great conversation. You're the best.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Thank you so much. You're going on tour-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes
- LBLisa Bilyeu
... which is so exciting. Tell me about on tour. Where can people also buy tickets?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes, uh-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
All of the good stuff
- JSJay Shetty
... I'm going on tour for the first time ever with the podcast.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
It's amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
Which I'm so excited. So I'll be interviewing special guests-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh
- 1:25:25 – 1:26:27
Jay's On Tour Update
- JSJay Shetty
so that's jayshetty.me/tour, and I can't wait to see everyone. I can't wait to just see the On Purpose community that we've built over the last six years, and-
- LBLisa Bilyeu
It's so inspiring
- JSJay Shetty
... I can't wait.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
And I love that you're trying new things. I love that people get to see you in person, and they, because you're in different cities as well, it allows other people that if in their, in that city, they can go and watch you.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
That's so amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
I can't wait. I'm really excited.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
Oh my God. And, um, if anyone wants to just follow you in general, you wanna-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Uh, Jay Shetty across TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, uh, podcast on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, and all the re- uh, all the apps. Uh, yeah, anywhere.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
All right.
- JSJay Shetty
Jay Shetty, yeah.
- LBLisa Bilyeu
There's only one Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
- JSJay Shetty
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life
Episode duration: 1:26:27
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