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Jay Shetty Podcast

KERRY WASHINGTON On The Family Secret That Changed Her Life: ”We’re as sick as our secrets”

Today we welcome award-winning actress Kerry Washington to the podcast. Kerry Washington talks about her new memoir, Thicker Than Water, and how the unveiling of a family secret impacted her journey of identity, values, and her sense of…

Kerry WashingtonguestJay Shettyhost

Sep 25, 20231h 43mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Childhood bravery and the women who modeled resilience
Jay asks Kerry for a defining childhood memory, and she recalls being the first girl in her neighborhood to play “all sharks under” at the pool. She connects that fearlessness to the bravery of the women in her family and how she’s learned to “swim in the deep end” of life.
- •A childhood pool game becomes a symbol of taking risks and challenging limits
- •Kerry traces courage to her grandmother immigrating from Jamaica and her mother’s choices
- •She frames her life approach as refusing to be limited by gender, age, or fear
- •The conversation sets up a theme of bravery shaped by family history
Generational trauma and generational strength can coexist
Kerry and Jay discuss how resilience can be born from hardship and why it’s important to hold both trauma and courage in the same story. Kerry emphasizes the complexity of real life—no simple heroes or villains—especially as she prepares to speak from her memoir rather than through characters.
- •Kerry describes strength among Black women as shaped by necessity and history
- •She argues both generational trauma and generational courage are inherited influences
- •Jay reflects on non-binary thinking—multiple truths can exist at once
- •Kerry notes memoir-sharing requires comfort with nuance and gray areas
Panic attacks at seven: dread, “good thoughts,” and emotional unsafety
Jay reads a line from the memoir about Kerry’s panic attacks starting at age seven and asks what they felt like. Kerry describes intense physical and emotional sensations, explains why she tried to force “good thoughts,” and links the panic to a deep sense that something in her family system felt incomplete or hidden.
- •Kerry didn’t have language for “panic attack” until her early 20s when they returned
- •She describes panic as dread pulsing through her body and a fear she could drown in
- •At seven, she tried to drown out panic by thinking of joyful, comforting images
- •She connects panic to feeling emotionally unsafe despite being materially cared for
- •She sensed truth was being withheld and learned to distrust her own inner knowing
Reconnecting to inner knowing through yoga and learning to stay in her body
Jay asks how Kerry reconnected with her sense of inner knowing after being taught to “play along.” Kerry points to yoga—especially stillness in Shavasana—as an early tool that brought her back into presence, even though it initially felt terrifying and unfamiliar.
- •Kerry remembers learning it was more important to perform than to insist on what she sensed
- •Yoga becomes a first “tool” for feeling present in her body without escaping
- •She describes weeping after early yoga practice because presence felt both real and scary
- •She frames disconnection as a survival strategy that yoga helped reverse
Acting as refuge: hiding behind characters while revealing emotional truth
Kerry explains how her ability to shape-shift—developed in her family system—translated into a career where performance was rewarded. Paradoxically, acting became a safe space where she could express feelings she couldn’t safely show at home, giving her emotional vocabulary and healing.
- •Kerry describes acting as a place where performing is the goal rather than a coping mechanism
- •She could express anger, fear, and intensity through characters without threatening anyone
- •Her mother, described as stoic, channeled Kerry’s big emotions into children’s theater
- •Kerry credits acting with helping her feel and name emotions more fully
Wanting to leave acting: the craft vs. the business, and what pulls her back
Jay asks about Kerry’s recurring desire to step away from acting despite loving it. Kerry separates the joy of creative work from the soul-cost of the business side—rejection, competition, reviews—and shares how meaningful projects keep calling her back, including a moment when a script changed her plans.
- •Kerry loves the craft but struggles with the “worldly” aspects: ratings, criticism, competition
- •She describes wanting to leave when she’s focused on “winning” more than creating
- •She shares signing up for yoga teacher training, then feeling compelled by a script for “Ray”
- •Jay relates this tension to what many artists experience around vulnerability
Dharma and emotional truth: reframing calling as service, not titles
Jay introduces the concept of dharma as an inextractable calling that keeps pulling someone back, beyond job titles. Kerry responds that her dharma feels connected to expressing emotional truth and holding space for vulnerability—shaped by growing up around withheld truth—while Jay suggests the business challenges can purify ego and deepen alignment.
- •Jay defines dharma as a core calling that persists even when you try to push it away
- •They distinguish purpose from titles like actor, author, or CEO
- •Kerry identifies her dharma as the expression of emotional truth and vulnerability
- •She links her sensitivity to truth to growing up in a family where truth was hidden
- •They discuss discipline and hardship as part of refining one’s relationship to truth
Busyness, control, and rewriting success to include wholeness
Jay highlights Kerry’s line about busyness creating safety and control. Kerry reflects on realizing she was filling her time even after leaving an intense show schedule, and she began checking her intention—choosing “yes” from purpose rather than avoidance—and redefining success beyond career metrics to include her roles in family life and inner truth.
- •Kerry realizes downtime didn’t appear after her show ended because she kept overfilling her schedule
- •She links busyness to avoiding discomfort and chasing a sense of control
- •She aims to say no more often so yeses come from purpose, passion, and contribution
- •Kerry reframes success to include being a wife, mother, and daughter—not only career output
- •She explains abandoning an earlier book concept because it didn’t feel honest after new information surfaced
Spoiler reveal: learning she was conceived via sperm donor and why it was hidden
Kerry shares the life-changing information her parents told her: the man she calls her dad is not her biological father, and she was conceived through a sperm donor. She explains how the revelation both shocked her and made sense, why her parents kept it secret for decades, and how a planned DNA-based TV show forced the truth into the open.
- •Kerry reveals her parents told her her dad is not her biological father and she was born from a sperm donor
- •She describes the “wrong puzzle piece” metaphor: the family picture looked fine but wasn’t honest
- •She explains her dad’s love and identity as her father even while acknowledging genetic reality
- •Her parents considered it experimental and secretive at the time, assuming it could stay hidden
- •They disclosed it when she planned to do “Finding Your Roots” and a DNA kit triggered her dad’s panic
Two truths at once: healing, unconditional love, and closing the emotional distance
Jay asks how Kerry can hold painful and beautiful truths simultaneously. Kerry describes learning this capacity through yoga and acting, and she shares a powerful reframing: the revelation gave her a chance to love her dad without the “condition of a lie,” creating deeper intimacy and dissolving the emotional moat she’d once blamed on herself.
- •Kerry credits yoga with teaching strength and surrender at the same time
- •She describes accepting two forms of “father energy”: her dad and the unknown donor
- •Kerry says the truth offered a new opportunity: showing her dad unconditional love beyond biology
- •She reinterprets childhood feelings of not being enough as a consequence of hidden truth, not personal failure
- •Family therapy and openness lead to daily conversations and a closer relationship with her parents
Breaking secrecy: privacy, “we’re as sick as our secrets,” and talking to her kids
Kerry explains why she’s been private publicly, how sharing more now feels both new and necessary, and why she didn’t want to perpetuate a story that wasn’t the whole truth. She discusses how readers respond by sharing their own family secrets, and she describes approaching the conversation with her children in age-appropriate ways led by their questions.
- •Kerry describes choosing privacy after a highly public relationship ended
- •She felt “complicit” in a lie after learning the truth because she had publicly presented a simplified story
- •She shares the phrase “we’re as sick as our secrets” as a reason to bring truth into the light
- •She notes people often immediately share their own family secrets in response to her book
- •She explains how she talked to her kids differently based on age and followed their questions
India, spirituality, and preparing for a public season (book tour + practices)
Kerry and Jay discuss her time in India and how it shaped her spirituality, including her sense that India is “drenched in God.” Jay shares how he resets through annual trips and offers practical reflections on maintaining health and receiving love during a tour, as Kerry explores what it means to live her truth publicly.
- •Kerry says Kerala felt formative and expresses a desire to return and bring her family
- •Jay describes his annual return to an ashram and intentional disconnection from phone/content
- •They discuss being present where you are and transitioning between spiritual and secular life
- •Kerry asks about book tour advice; Jay emphasizes discipline, sleep, movement, and receiving love
- •Kerry describes India as a place where spirituality is woven into everyday life and language
Final Five: prayer, self-worth, empathy, and holding space for scary truths
In the closing “Final Five,” Kerry shares the best advice she’s received—pray—and describes prayer as surrender and humility. She critiques messages that imply you must become “a new you” to be lovable, defines her current purpose as holding space for scary truths, and names empathy/compassion training as the one “law” she’d want everyone to follow.
- •Best advice: prayer and meditation as talking to and listening to God, rooted in humility
- •Kerry describes learning to pray during struggles she couldn’t fix alone and through journaling practices
- •Worst advice: the idea you must change who you are to deserve love
- •Current purpose: holding space for her own and others’ scary truths and building community
- •Unlearning: beliefs of not being enough and prioritizing others at her expense; one-law wish: compassion and empathy training (including for oneself)

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