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Jay Shetty PodcastLOVE EXPERT ON: When A Man TRULY LOVES You, He Will DO THIS! | Stephan Speaks & Jay Shetty
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CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 2:38
Signs of Deep Love: Do You Truly Love Them?
Jay asks how to tell whether someone deeply loves you. The guest first asks whether you truly love them, arguing that infatuation and attachment can pass for love and that the safe choice is usually the wrong one.
- •True love flows both ways and is not one-sided
- •Infatuation, unhealthy attachment and other motives can feel like love
- •Choosing a partner because they love you so much makes the safe choice, which is usually wrong
- •Without your own feelings, you can never be what the other person needs
- 2:38 – 5:37
Defining Love and Moving Forward Slowly
Jay asks how to define love. The guest describes it as kindness, compassion, patience and selflessness, and says feeling love is not the same as being ready for a relationship. Connection can be instant, but how you cultivate it takes time.
- •God is love, and love is giving
- •A person who hasn't healed may not be emotionally ready for a relationship
- •Ask what you're prepared to do for them, not only what they do for you
- •Connection is the spirit recognizing its match and can happen fast
- •Nurturing it requires learning each other's love languages and not rushing
- 5:37 – 9:12
Connection, Chemistry and Compatibility
Jay and the guest separate three ideas: deep connection, surface chemistry and compatibility. Connection is rare, chemistry can occur with many people, and compatibility is the harmony that makes a relationship last. Jay shares that he felt connection with his wife early on.
- •Connection is rare, while chemistry can happen with many people
- •Chemistry with the last five people doesn't make this one the one
- •Compatibility means two people co-existing in harmony, not matching on paper
- •Jay says compatibility contains adaptability
- 9:12 – 11:48
Is This Person Wasting Your Time?
Jay asks how to know if someone is wasting your time or using you. The guest says it starts with honesty about why you're still there. He lists signs like unwillingness to talk and says women's intuition often knows early.
- •Ask yourself why you're holding on and what drives you
- •Staying because he's nice or you don't want to start over wastes time
- •An unwilling-to-talk partner or different life goals are signs of wasted time
- •Women often know early and rationalize giving the man a chance
- 11:48 – 19:31
Telling Connection from Chemistry and Being Yourself
Jay asks how to hear the difference between connection and chemistry. The guest says you should be able to be yourself and that chemistry stays on the surface. He adds that fear of ruining the fantasy keeps people from asking questions, and that anything unsustainable is unhealthy.
- •With real connection you can be yourself and things flow naturally
- •Connection means paths and purposes align, which requires asking deeper questions
- •People avoid questions to avoid blowing up the fantasy
- •Anything you can't sustain, like a spending habit or suppressed communication needs, is unhealthy
- •Jay shares how he set an unrealistic expectation of seeing his wife daily
- 19:31 – 23:07
Getting to Know Yourself
Jay says people don't really change but become conscious of who they are, and asks where to start in a society that doesn't encourage self-discovery. The guest suggests letting children explore their interests and describes his own wilderness period of cutting out distractions and growing spiritually.
- •People don't change so much as become conscious of themselves
- •Parents often stifle children's interests with limited ideas
- •The guest's wilderness period involved shutting off distractions and going within
- •Becoming aware and then accepting yourself makes you free
- •Jay values solitude because it removes other people's opinions
- 23:07 – 29:29
Why Relationships Feel Hard and the Bad Advice Out There
Asked whether relationships should be hard or easy, the guest says those with true love are often hard because of past hurts and fear, but become easier with the right person. He says people get poor relationship education and gives an example of bad advice about not falling in love.
- •Difficulty comes from unresolved trauma and walls that block blessings
- •Pickup-style guidance doesn't apply to the woman you truly love
- •Relationships feel ten times harder in the wrong relationship
- •An easy relationship may just be two people riding out chemistry
- •Advice from a bitter, hurt place can derail people
- •Telling men not to fall in love is bad advice; teach them to love in their masculine
- 29:29 – 36:19
Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy
The guest explains that everyone has both energies, with one dominant and the other tapped when needed. Fear of losing a partner can make men needy or yes-men, and he says confidence that you can walk away shifts the dynamic.
- •Women lose attraction when a man can't walk in masculine energy, not because he's a good guy
- •Balance takes transparency and communication with your partner
- •Fear of losing her makes men fall into needy or yes-man behavior
- •Use a basketball analogy: know when to lead and when to follow
- 36:19 – 41:15
Expecting Imperfection and Using Compassion as Power
Jay says people should enter relationships expecting imperfection and disagreement. The guest says couples can balance each other in heated moments, and that compassion is the power position rather than weakness.
- •No couple that has been together long never disagrees, though disrespectful arguing shouldn't be normalized
- •When one partner is heated, the other can soften the moment
- •Bringing calm makes you the one who dictates how the situation plays out
- •The problem with feminine or masculine energy is who you give it to
- 41:15 – 48:27
Healing, Vulnerability and the Unhealthy Love Cycle
Jay asks why we keep repeating mistakes and closing our hearts. The guest says vulnerability exposes the wrong people faster and that being loving wasn't the problem, the person was. He then describes the fixer-upper impulse and the unhealthy love cycle of women.
- •Letting the cut breathe means healing instead of holding back
- •Separate your loving actions from the wrong person who received them
- •Choosing someone you can fix gives a false sense of security and leverage
- •In the cycle, a hurt first love leads women to pick safe men who can't fulfill them
- •The safe choice that doesn't excite her can end in cheating
- 48:27 – 53:51
How to Know When It's Time to Go
Jay asks how to know when it's time to leave after trying everything. The guest says letting go doesn't always mean it can't work later, and that it's time if the person won't do the work. He recommends a letter for clear communication.
- •Letting go may allow both people to grow and possibly reunite
- •If someone refuses to talk or work on things, it's time to go
- •Healing is hard, so they may drag it out while you stay
- •Verbal arguments are not the same as clear communication
- •A letter gives time to express and process before discussing
- 53:51 – 56:00
Winning Someone Back and Growing Apart
Jay says two people may need to grow individually before growing together, and warns against changing just to win someone back. The guest agrees and says to check whether the issues are fixable and focus on becoming your best self.
- •Growing apart can let people return together if they learn the lessons
- •Learn and grow for yourself, not to win someone back
- •Check what led to the breakup and whether it can be corrected
- •Correcting issues doesn't guarantee they come back, and timing may differ
- •Neither person is ever squeaky clean
- 56:00 – 1:04:14
Moving Through a Breakup: Healing Beyond the Split
Jay cites studies comparing breakup brain activity to cocaine detox and physical pain, and asks for tips. The guest says to ask why you were there, remember why it didn't work, see the breakup as a possible blessing, heal from everything and find an accountability partner. Both discuss accepting present pain for future good.
- •Ask why you held on and don't focus only on the good moments
- •Sometimes you're missing the feeling, not the person
- •A breakup can be a blessing in disguise, even when things looked good on the surface
- •Heal from everything you've been through, not just the breakup
- •Unhealed people are 90% likely to choose the wrong person, according to the guest
- •Speak your full piece, find an accountability partner and lean on faith for peace
- 1:04:14 – 1:07:35
Final Five and Closing
Jay runs the rapid-fire Final Five. The guest answers on advice, purpose, financial position and a one-law wish for honesty. Jay then promotes the guest's book Love After Heartbreak.
- •Best advice: love fully and be yourself
- •Worst advice: get under someone to get over someone
- •Purpose: serve people and help heal hearts toward happier relationships
- •A woman's financial position no longer matters to him
- •His one law would be that everyone must be honest
