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Jay Shetty Podcast

LOVE EXPERT: When A Man Is Interested, He Will Do THIS! | Stephan Speaks

From ambition and success to sex and intimacy, Stephan Speaks and Jay Shetty explore the real disconnect between men and women in modern dating.

Stephan SpeaksguestJay Shettyhost

Feb 10, 20251h 27mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Why Dating Fails: Respecting Gender Differences
Jay Shetty asks what keeps men and women meeting the wrong people. Stephan Speaks argues people refuse to accept the differences between the average man and woman, using the gap between sex and intimacy as his example.
- •Exceptions exist, but the differences are distinct enough that rejecting them causes conflict
- •Stephan says women generally want intimacy and men generally want sex, and that a study may have conflated the two
- •Men who assume women are the same as them miss the mental and emotional side of her desire
- •Some women play along and never tell their partners what they need
- •General traits are a starting foundation, then you learn the individual
Accepting Yourself and Healing
Stephan's second and third points are accepting who you are and healing. He uses his own ambition as an example and describes the 'safe choice' that fear leads people to make. Jay adds that a partner who lets you be yourself matters more than a perfect fit.
- •Accepting who you are lets you choose a partner who aligns with it
- •Stephan describes a month of resting that left him depressed and 'like a neutered dog'
- •Trust the intuition about small things that later become big ones
- •Lack of healing leads people to choose the 'safe choice', someone who doesn't take them to real vulnerability
- •Jay says his marriage works because he and his wife each let the other be themselves
Why Ambitious Women and Men Struggle to Connect
Jay asks whether men struggle to be attracted to ambitious women. Stephan says the issue goes deeper: some women are ambitious out of necessity or fear, low testosterone and poor health affect some men, and ambitious women often want ambitious men.
- •Stephan questions the 'men today' framing and says this has probably always existed
- •Some women are ambitious out of necessity and feel conflict with who they really are
- •Stephan says 'some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy' and raises low testosterone
- •Ambitious women struggle to get the type of men they desire, not any man
- •Ambitious women who accept a less ambitious man may grow frustrated over time
Can You Make a Partner Ambitious?
Prompted by Jay's story of his wife supporting him while he had no job, Stephan says she activated ambition that already existed in him. He cautions that you can't create it in someone and suggests women ask whether they'd be okay if the man never changes.
- •Jay says his wife's belief gave him confidence, and pushing a partner tends to push them away
- •Stephan says the ambition was already in Jay and she energized it
- •Love and pouring into someone won't give them a vision they don't have
- •A woman can encourage a man without crossing romantic lines yet
- •Many men only pursue in order to acquire
Do Men Deserve Their Bad Reputation in Dating?
Jay asks whether the bad reputation men have in dating is fair. Stephan says it is unfair because women hear one-sided stories from friends and the internet, which fuels self-fulfilling expectations. Jay shares a story about a woman who was ghosted, and both stress not amplifying the minority experience.
- •Stephan says women often leave out their own contribution when recounting bad dates
- •The internet promotes sensational negative stories, which can be the minority
- •Negative expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies
- •Stephan says women tend to have more 'uplifters' while men are told to take accountability
- •Jay tells of a woman ghosted by a man who turned out to be married
28:52 – 32:27
Coveting the 'Desirables'
Stephan explains that society bases its views of the opposite sex on the 'desirables', the top 20% who get the most attention. Their behavior doesn't represent the average man or woman who is genuinely looking for love.
- •Stephan says the 'desirables' are simply the people who get the most attention
- •Power and access can corrupt even good men
- •Men online say women just want money, yet many women date broke men
- •Stephan asks whether we focus on the wrong group when judging the opposite sex
Love Bombing and Due Diligence in Early Dating
Jay asks what to watch for in the first months, after someone who seemed all-in suddenly pulls back. Stephan distinguishes one-sided love bombing from mutual connection, and urges asking questions early and being honest about whether you love the person rather than whether they love you.
- •Love bombing is one-sided, whereas mutual intense connection isn't
- •One couple's three months differs from another's depending on the depth of time spent
- •Going with the flow can mean avoiding questions that might rock the boat
- •Too many people choose a partner based on 'do they love me' rather than 'do I love them'
- •Jay compares this to vetting a business partner, where questions strengthened the connection
Is 'If He Wanted To, He Would' True?
Stephan calls the saying false because past experiences make people cautious, and he says to tell the person what you need. He says how someone handles your concerns shows their seriousness and maturity.
- •Past experiences can cause hesitation unrelated to desire
- •Stephan says to apply the saying only after you've made your needs known
- •Stephan says seriousness shows in how someone handles your expression of concerns
- •Internet advice like ignoring someone to make them want you more distorts behavior
Emotional Maturity and Validating Your Partner
Jay says hearing a partner's concerns requires healing, since people confuse validating the other with invalidating themselves. Stephan agrees that few are emotionally mature, links it to breakup and divorce rates, and describes validating feelings while still sharing your view.
- •Jay says maturity means validating someone while standing true to yourself
- •Stephan says the emotionally mature portion of people is small
- •Breakups would far outnumber divorces if quantified
- •Stephan suggests acknowledging someone's feelings and trying to understand them while expressing your own view
Having a Type and Staying Open to Connection
Jay asks whether having a type helps or hurts. Stephan says a type is fine if flexible, uses a job-applicant analogy, and says connection can transcend type. He warns against faking a lifestyle you can't sustain.
- •The more desirable you are, the more necessary a type becomes, per Stephan's Walmart versus Google analogy
- •Stephan says to stay open to connection in whatever package it comes
- •Stephan prefers fundamental principles like attraction and communication over strict checklists
- •Ask whether you are the type your type wants, and whether you can sustain it
- •Pretending to be something to win someone tricks both of you
Jealousy, Insecurity and Seeking Attention
Asked whether a partner should feel jealous when you get attention, Stephan says no and ties jealousy to insecurity in the relationship. He shares a client story and his theory that attention for women is like sexual desire for men, and cautions against trying to make a partner jealous.
- •Some noticing is natural, but being bothered usually reflects insecurity in oneself and the relationship
- •A client's focus on relationship quality made the issue with his wife's friend disappear
- •Stephan offers a theory that attention for some women is like sexual desire for men
- •Making a partner jealous may plant a seed of insecurity
- •Find the root reason someone seeks reactions or attention
Communicating With Someone Who Won't Communicate
Jay asks how to communicate with someone who doesn't like to. Stephan first says you let them go, then explains what to consider, including whether the missing topics matter, creating a safe environment, and using letters. Jay adds that men often have never been asked about their emotions.
- •Ask whether you'd be okay if it never changes and which discussions are missing
- •Stephan describes a 'village' of friends and family to supplement certain needs
- •Check your own tone and energy and whether you're creating an environment for healthy communication
- •Letters let people process rather than prepare a rebuttal
- •Jay says a man may need more than one invitation to open up
Breakups: All Is Not Lost
Asked about the unavoidable feelings of a breakup, Stephan separates love from relationship. He says all is not lost, advises not to question whether they loved you, and describes breakups as blessings in disguise, with a short deadline for grieving before healing.
- •Love is not the same as relationship, and a breakup doesn't mean no love
- •Don't dwell on whether they loved you; ask whether you are best for each other right now
- •Most breakups are a blessing in disguise, even if you can't see it
- •Don't internalize it, since people may be battling things unrelated to you
- •Stephan gives himself three days to grieve, then works on healing instead of 'getting under someone'
Right Person, Wrong Time
Jay asks about right person, wrong time. Stephan believes in it, since love alone doesn't make a relationship work if someone isn't healed or ready. He compares it to lottery winners and to former couples who can only be friends.
- •Jay notes people carry old baggage into new relationships
- •Stephan knows people who reunited years later and have the best relationship ever
- •Unhealed or unready people can derail a situation even with real love
- •Stephan says people should pray about whether to move forward with a person
- •Some friends who can't be a couple may need to evolve emotionally and heal
1:22:43 – 1:27:15
Every Dating Relationship Is a Process
Jay asks what Stephan would say to people feeling insecure and unlucky despite doing the work. Stephan says to keep pushing forward, comparing it to the grind of success and to working out, and to stay open to adjustments. The conversation then wraps up.
- •Everything is a process, and love isn't microwave-ready
- •You may need to meet several people and learn along the way
- •Progress may show in other areas first, like the fitness example
- •Stay open to improving and don't view a lack of result as defeat
- •Stephan says it starts with a relationship with yourself and, for him, God

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