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LOVE EXPERT: When A Man Is Interested, He Will Do THIS! | Stephan Speaks

From ambition and success to sex and intimacy, Stephan Speaks and Jay Shetty explore the real disconnect between men and women in modern dating.

Stephan SpeaksguestJay Shettyhost

Feb 10, 20251h 27mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

90 min read · 17,666 words

0:00 – 1:28
Intro
1. SSStephan Speaks
  Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
2. JSJay Shetty
  Do you believe that there's right person, wrong time?
3. SSStephan Speaks
  Absolutely. It's not as simple as, "Oh, we love each other. Everything's supposed to work perfectly." Love is one thing, relationship is another. One of the most sought-after relationship coaches in the world. The most popular voice in the relationship education space. Stephan Speaks.
4. JSJay Shetty
  Right now in dating, men have a bad reputation. Is it fair?
5. SSStephan Speaks
  Completely unfair. When she goes on that date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem. I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first.
6. JSJay Shetty
  I like that.
7. SSStephan Speaks
  There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel shamed about it.
8. JSJay Shetty
  How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate?
9. SSStephan Speaks
  My initial response is gonna be you don't communicate with them at all. You let them go. [laughs]
10. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
11. SSStephan Speaks
  If we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed-
12. JSJay Shetty
  That's it, yeah
13. SSStephan Speaks
  ... if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it? We base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables. I always say the way to determine how serious someone is about you is- The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.
1:28 – 11:30
How to Have Success in Dating
1. JSJay Shetty
  What are the biggest issues that men and women are facing when trying to meet the right people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  I think one of the biggest issues we have in this world right now is we are refusing to accept the differences between the average man and the average woman. Now, I say the average man, average woman, 'cause I understand there are exceptions to every rule. Nothing applies 100%. However, we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're gonna have conflict in relationships. So one that comes to mind, and I, I don't know, this is one I was recently talking about. There's this push that people wanna say women want sex as much as men, right? They, they, they want it just as much. That's an absolute lie, okay? [laughs] That is, as far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true. Now, I once was at a confer- well, not a conference. I was once, uh, flown into a, it was, uh, one of those dating sites. They had, they brought a few experts in, they had this presentation, and there was a scientist who brought out this study that showed that, quote-unquote, "Women want sex as much as men." And I told her, I said, "I think there's something wrong here. I think what the study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex, and the reality is that women want intimacy," okay? If, if, I always say if you had door number one, door number two, door number one is just straight sex. Door number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy, all that. The majority of women are choosing door number two. The majority of men are choosing door number one. The reason why this is so important to accept, and this is just one example of the built-in differences of who we are that we've got to learn to just accept it, is because now if a man gets with a woman being told we are the same, we want sex the same way, he does not understand how to speak to her in a way that makes her sexually receptive to him. He thinks, "Oh, if we just like sex, we like sex. If you're horny, you're horny. That's it," end of story. And no, for the majority of women, there is a mental and emotional component you have to be aware of. If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed, if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire or willingness to engage sexually. So by feeding this narrative that we're, that we are the same in all these ways, we are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences, and speak to those differences.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Which will then allow us to have more harmony in relationships. And I feel that if we could do that and really respect the other gender's position on things, and of course you don't go in just assuming all these, uh, generalized things apply to each person.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  But they can be your basic foundation, and then you learn that individual and understand, okay, well, with her, maybe she does want sex more than I do, right? Or with this one, maybe she wants a little bit more of this. You, you are open and you are flexible. But I think if people took that approach, they would have better dating experiences, better relationships, much better marriages, all right? Because I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a husband and, and I was like, "Listen, emotionally, mentally, she's not in the right place." And he's like, "That sounds stupid."
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  "That, that, that, that doesn't make any sense."
9. JSJay Shetty
  'Cause he doesn't get it.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  Exactly. And because, and I have to say to the women, some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating, she doesn't talk about those things being important to her. She kinda plays along with the, all right, she does want sex that much, and she's just ready to go at it with him. So he never learns and understands, no, she needs more than that.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? So we can, again, there's so many different examples I could give, but I do think one of the key things to people not just meeting the, uh, uh, and I'll say, I'll g- I'll get to that in a second, but one of the key things to meeting the right person is just respecting the differences of men and women. Now, s- piggybacking off of that, the second thing is I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first. All right? Now, a lot of people may say, you have to learn who you are. You have to figure it out. I think a lot of life is accepting who we are.
13. JSJay Shetty
  I like that.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel shamed about it, tells us there's something wrong with this. You know, and so now we run away from certain realities of who we are. One example I'll give for myself, I'm extremely ambitious, maybe too ambitious. I don't know if there's a such thing, but I'm very, very ambitious. And for me, I'm always striving for the next. I gotta do more, I gotta do more. I gotta conquer the next thing. But for a long time, I was told this was bad. Oh, you need to just enjoy the moment. Celebrate it. Stop worrying about the next thing. All these things. And I remember I took a month where I said, "Okay, you know what? I'm not gonna pursue anything else. I'm just gonna rest in what I have, be happy with it." And it was one of my most depressed months ever in my life.
15. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
16. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? [laughs] I felt like a neutered dog.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  Like, it was like you took all the fire out of me, and when I finally got to a place of accepting, okay, this is who I am, and I'm wired this way for a reason. God created me this way because there's a purpose for me to carry out. How that then opens up the dating or how that creates better dating experiences is that now, by me knowing this part of me and accepting it, I understand I can only choose someone who aligns with that.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  You see? But if I'm sit- standing here trying to be something I'm not, then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me, and I don't fit them. And that's why you have these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up five years later from this fog, this, this excitement they had of their partner, to finally see what's really there, and it's like, "We don't really like each other."
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  Or, "We don't get along," or, "We don't really fit well together, and we're constantly in conflict with each other." So if we would just first really put more energy into understanding who we are, accepting who we are, and then we, we can then realize who we need to pick that aligns with that, that would change the landscape. And, and not only would that change the landscape for so many people, it would allow us to stop letting p- situations drag on longer than they should. Because a lot of people, they meet someone, they really like them, but they can sense something's missing or something's off. But the problem with people is that they're being told if you have this great person, you can't pass that up. You see? If you don't have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid, oh, well then you're being stupid or you're being ridiculous. And it's like no, you, you have to trust your spirit, trust your intuition. Something is telling you... And, and it's probably something that you can see, but maybe you can't articulate it, or again, you don't feel like it's valid enough. But I can tell you from my position, those little things is what turns into a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely.
24. SSStephan Speaks
  You know?
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah. And a third one-
26. SSStephan Speaks
  Third
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... or there doesn't have to be.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  Well, I, I'll say this. So you know, we, we said understand the differences, understand yourself, and the third one would be healing. I, I, I have to always mention that because I believe the number one issue fa- that people are facing is a lack of healing, and that plays into figuring yourself out because again, you, if you are operating out of a place of fear or shame or you've been told you weren't good enough or something about you wasn't good even though it w- that wasn't the case, well, that's gonna make you struggle with embracing that.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
30. SSStephan Speaks
  Right? And if you aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of relationships, love, because a lot of people with their words say, "I want love," but in reality they're scared of it.
11:30 – 23:55
Why Men Don't Date Ambitious Women
1. JSJay Shetty
  I wanted to ask you, do you think that men today are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Yes, but... So okay, I guess the reason why I'm hesitating in the way I answer that is when you say men today, 'cause I would argue it's probably always been like that. Um, I just think that more, there's more ambitious women now, and so there is this disconnect there. And I think that the disconnect, though, isn't simply based off of men not wanting an ambitious woman. I think we gotta go a lot deeper than that.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Let's do it.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  And the unfortunate reality is that, and, and I, and I want women to understand- Uh, you know, again, I recognize that there are some women who genuinely are wired that way. All right? Th- they, it feeds them. The same way it feeds us, it feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff, and I, I'm a firm believer, I want women to walk in their truth, whatever it is. I will say, though, there's a seg- at least a segment, a large segment of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or even fear. They've been told, "Never rely on a man." They've been told, "You, you have to take care of yourself," right? And so with that, they chase this career, but it's actually at conflict with who they really are because deep inside they actually are the woman that values the family time more, being at the home, and there's nothing wrong with that. But they have a segment of society telling them, "Oh, you can't do... That's wrong. You need to be out there, strong woman. Do your own thing." And so those women will have a conflict in dating because they're already at conflict with themselves, okay? And that has to be corrected. So I, I always encourage women, like, listen, be real with yourself. There's a lot of women who they, they do the work that they do not because they love the work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle it affords them, okay?
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  Which is why for many of them, whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date a man who's making less, right? Well, part of it is because in the back of her mind, if she has a dream of one day ha- being able to leave work, she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up. [laughs]
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay?
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  And if he's making less, well, then in her mind, how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and maintain him? It's like, "No, he's gotta be making as much or if not more so that I can keep this life that I've built for myself and I love very much." But again, I think you, you, it, it all starts with understanding, okay, is this really who you are or not? Now, going back to the men, I do think there is a struggle with a lot of men. One of the things that, at least it comes to mind first for me, the lo- the issue of low testosterone, and so I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue. And I, and I do want men to understand, it's deeper than just testosterone because sometimes we're so fix- Like, you could have high testosterone, but if your cortisol levels are too high, your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly. Your stress is blocking it. If your vitamin D is too low, if, if your B2... There's other things that can throw it off, so just don't think of life as, "Let me just fix my testosterone," and that's it. But that could be a huge game changer for a lot of men. So if you have a man who's already... 'Cause I always say, some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone, his ability to handle, embrace, respect, an ambitious, it's gonna be a struggle in some ways. Well, it'll be a struggle in the sense that it might make him feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with that ambition. However, I would argue that some of those men, a lot of those men probably want the ambitious woman simply because for him, I need somebody who can carry the load. [laughs]
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay? And if she's gonna come into my life and stabilize me, then great. The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want that man.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  She's probably, in most cases, looking for a man who is also ambitious, right? And this is where the disconnect comes because now it's kinda like the whole discussion of having two alphas in a relationship, two very strong personalities. There's no real balance there, okay? And for a lot of women, what they're overlooking is what most men value, or at least most men who are ambitious themselves, who do take care of themselves, they're looking for a complement to that. They're looking for someone who can love them, pour into them, you know, contribute to a peaceful environment. He doesn't care about your money and your ambition as much, right? But the guy who doesn't have for himself, well, he's gonna put more value on those things, and it becomes this mitch- mismatch of individuals. So a lot of these women who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man. They're struggling to get the type of men they desire.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  And again, as I said earlier about how we focus on the desirables, not the non-desirables, when she says, "I can't meet anyone," she's not literally saying, "I can't meet any man." [laughs]
21. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
22. SSStephan Speaks
  She's just saying, "I'm not meeting anyone I actually like-
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
24. SSStephan Speaks
  ... and want to pay attention to," so in her mind, I'm not meeting anyone.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. SSStephan Speaks
  You see?
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  And so there is a problem with a lot of men, um, and, and I do think, again, I, I would, I would pose the question to a lot of women, are you going to be happy in the long run in that kind of a dynamic?
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
30. SSStephan Speaks
  You know?
23:55 – 28:52
Men Get a Bad Rep in Dating
1. JSJay Shetty
  I feel like right now in dating, men have a bad reputation.
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Men get a lot of blame.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Is it fair?
6. SSStephan Speaks
  It is unfair, completely unfair. One of the big problems that exists is that- A lot of women are not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences. Now, that isn't to say there aren't generally bad men out there, bad experiences and all that. But what they fail to understand is that whether it be their friends, their family, whoever, when she goes on that date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem. And so you're hearing this very one-sided, uh, uh, view of the situation, which is gonna almost always paint the man in a negative light. And so the woman starts to develop this very negative perception of men based off all these stories she's being fed. Then you add the internet, right? And, and the internet is built off of sensationalism and people coming up with c- all kinds of craziness to make the opposite gender look bad. So whether it's men talking about women or women talking about... Or the same gender talking down on their gen- whatever it is, they're trying to hype up negative stories. So even though these negative stories exist, we don't always realize they're not so much the majority. They could be the minority, they're just being pushed a lot more. And so, yeah, it does create this very unfair, th- this unfair view of men. And I, and I think there's, there's again, a little bit on both sides to be honest with you.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually affect us? Because I think we don't think about that sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone it's like, "Oh, yeah, this just happened." "Oh, yeah, yeah, same thing happened to my friend. Oh, yeah, same thing happened to that friend." And like you said, we don't have the full data, it's not always happened to us.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah.
9. JSJay Shetty
  And then it spreads. But what does that psychologically and even emotionally do to our own mind and brain and heart?
10. SSStephan Speaks
  Well, I think it's just human nature to where we take our negative experiences and we project it onto that, that demographic of whoever it's attached to. So it's like if someone gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may start to develop a fear towards that, those people. Even though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious to them. So in dating, when you start to experience or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well, you're naturally gonna become more defensive, more negative. And then what, what you don't realize is you create these self-fulfilling, fulfilling prophecies because you go into the dating experience bracing for negativity or projecting it, not realizing you're creating it. Okay? And so what also makes it worse, and, and it hit me when you were asking the question, is that... And again, I don't want women to feel like I'm just saying, like, women don't take any responsibility or anything like that, 'cause there's plenty of women who do. However, it is more likely when a woman goes to her friends and family to tell her that, tell them that this relationship fell apart, they're gonna say, "Uh, you know, you're, you're better than that. He doesn't deserve you," those type of things to build her up, make her feel good, not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong. The man goes to his friends and other people about the relationship that fell apart. "Man, you were stupid anyway. You should've done this." And like, they're gonna come down on him regardless. And whether he likes it or not, he's gonna have to accept some level of personal accountability. Well, that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation. Now, unfortunately, I do think that there are some men who when they run to the internet and they hear women bad, women bad, women bad, they become blind to their own flaws. But I think you can make the argument that women have a, an audience of uplifters more than men do.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  And that will now skew how people view the opposite sex, and now those negative stories are only gonna have even more of an impact. Because if I'm being told as a woman, "I'm great. Nothing's wrong with me. These men are horrible," right? And there's nothing for me to do different. So then anything that goes wrong will always be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people. [laughs] Like-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Yeah
14. SSStephan Speaks
  ... you're never gonna think-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
16. SSStephan Speaks
  ... "Well, wait a minute, maybe there was something missing from this story, or maybe she could've handled things diff-" No, you're gonna jump right to they're bad, because that's what you're being told over and over again, and then it's being solidified by some of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize what's contributing to those experiences even coming about.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, that's a, that's a really interesting way to look at it, because there was a Facebook group, and I forget what it's called now, but it's basically for... I think it's called Are We Dating the Same Man?
18. SSStephan Speaks
  [laughs]
19. JSJay Shetty
  And it's been built because there are so many women who are experiencing men dating them at the same time, even though he's saying he's exclusive with one.
28:52 – 32:27
Coveting the 'Desirables'
1. JSJay Shetty
  So I had this happen to someone that I know recently, and she was seeing this guy for, like, six months, and then they were... Or three months. Sorry. They were seeing each other for three months. They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance. He'd come out to see her, and she was about to go and see him.
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm.
3. JSJay Shetty
  So she messaged him and said, "Hey, I'm coming out. I just wanna make sure that we're taking it in the right direction," 'cause she's buying a flight, she's coming over, she's investing in the relationship. And this guy who messaged her every day just ghosted her.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm.
5. JSJay Shetty
  So she went onto this Facebook group, and she wrote about it a few days later when she was like, "Wait a minute, this guy's not getting back to me. I've lost the flight ticket. Not in a great place." And then this other woman messaged back and was like, "Hey, let's connect offline." So then she shared her story. This guy supposedly is married.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm.
7. JSJay Shetty
  He's then been dating this other girl, who just found out that he's married, saying he was gonna get divorced, and now he was dating the person that I know.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  Lord have mercy.
9. JSJay Shetty
  And so I think when you hear a story like that, it's no surprise that that spreads, 'cause that's a fascinating-
10. SSStephan Speaks
  Absolutely
11. JSJay Shetty
  ... juicy story, and it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and involved in it. And I think that empathy, even when I heard that story, I was so heartbroken. But we have to remember that isn't the majority.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  Exactly.
13. JSJay Shetty
  It does exist, and it's really sad. And if it's happened to you, I'm so sorry. Like, I feel like- That, that could be the worst thing to go through.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm-hmm.
15. JSJay Shetty
  But it isn't the majority, and we have to be careful about how we amplify the minority experience.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  Exactly. And I think what we're not realizing as a society is that the reality is there, we base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables, all right? That top 20% of men or women who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities. And it kinda goes back to that belief of how great power can corrupt, all right? So even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming after him, he has all this access, not all, but there are many who will start to fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before, who will start to become more of a womanizer, who will start to enjoy all this access that they have, right? And the reality is that when we s- hear these stories, this is not a story of the average man who just wants a relationship, looking for love, is genuine. Maybe he doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not where we're gonna put our attention. And it's the same thing with women. When you, when you hear men on the internet say, "Women just want money, women just want money," now granted, women value financial stability in men most, okay? And I think that most men should strive from some level of stability. However, there are tons of women dating broke men, [laughs] right? There are tons of women who that is not their number one priority. It's a desire, but they wanna be loved, they want quality time, they want these other things. But again, if it's not being said by the audience that the men fixate so much on, they don't hear those voices.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  They just focus on the women who, a- again, and I'm using the word desirables not because I'm determining what's desirable, I'm just laying out the people who get the most attention.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  Who tend to get more attention for whatever reason, right or wrong, that's what happens in life. And so we gotta realize that they do not represent the majority. And we, and we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing too much on the wrong group of people-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
22. SSStephan Speaks
  ... when we're trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex?
23. JSJay Shetty
  For sure.
32:27 – 40:37
How to Spot Love Bombing
1. JSJay Shetty
  When, when people are dating, what are some of the things to look out for when you're thinking about long-term success? Because I think the challenge people are having now is, like, someone will love bomb them for three months, everything's moving amazing, it's getting really intense. Like, dates are great, hanging out's great, the intimacy's great, and then all of a sudden, it's like one person kinda checks out and goes, "Hey, I don't think this is working for me. We're moving too fast. Hey, we should slow this down. Hey, I think, I think we've rushed into it." And then you're like, "Wait a minute. I, I thought we were gonna get married," right?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Or like, "I thought this was going somewhere." What are we meant to do? What, what are people meant to do in those first three, six, 12 months, if you had to give markers-
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm-hmm
5. JSJay Shetty
  ... to kinda slow it down? 'Cause I think we all wanna fall in love fast.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm-hmm.
7. JSJay Shetty
  But it doesn't seem to ever work healthily that way, or it doesn't work often healthily that way.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  Well, I would fir- before I get into what we should do with those markers, I think the bi- I always say this, love bombing is only when it's a one-sided thing. So basically, two people meet, one person is showering them with all this love and attention and going hard, and for the other person, it's not them saying, "Oh, I'm in love with them," it's them saying, "This feels so good."
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  "I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going." You see? But if you both, and, and, and let's use a different example where you could have two people meet and they both feel this intense connection immediately. They are both feeling strongly about each other. To me, that's not a love bomb.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? That's just a connection that two people are embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
15. JSJay Shetty
  Good disti- yeah, good distinction. Yeah.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  So now, if those two people moved, quote-unquote, "fast" by society's standards, I don't have a problem with that as long as they do their due diligence, which is part of what we gotta do within those time, marker times. But there's nothing wrong... Like, I, I knew a couple, they came to one of my events, they got married I think in, like, three, four months. And they said they, they watched one of my videos, and family and friends were like, "Oh, you- this is stupid, this is wrong." But they heard me explain it, and they're like, this was them. This applied to them. They felt a connection, they were on the same page. And what people have to understand is one couple's three months is not the same as the next couple's three months. So one couple in their three months may have been talking every single day, spending time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving deep to each other, l- meeting each other's families. They've done so much due diligence, they don't need years more to figure this out. The next couple, they talk here and there, [laughs] they-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
18. SSStephan Speaks
  ... they see each other once a week, every other week.
19. JSJay Shetty
  It's once a day.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  They're very busy.
21. JSJay Shetty
  It's very, yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah. And so the moments together feel great, but they really haven't spent enough time diving deep into each other. So we have to remember that. But as far as what we should be doing is we should be trying to learn as much about the person as quickly as possible. I think too many times we have an approach of, like, going with the flow type of deal.
23. JSJay Shetty
  For sure.
24. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? And we'll just figure it out as we go along. A- and in reality, there's a part of it that, that doesn't wanna rock the boat. Because again, we're enjoying the companionship. If you're having sex, you're enjoying the sex. There's different benefits here that you don't wanna let go of. So you're n- you're purposely or subconsciously not asking questions you know might be a problem.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
26. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yes, so true.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  And, and so now when things blow up a year later, they go, "Oh, I, I... You never know some..." No. You wouldn't ask the questions that needed to be asked. The quicker you can put those questions out there, the quicker you can expose, and I s- use the word expose not in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, revealing. Yeah.
30. SSStephan Speaks
  Yes, revealing who this person is and what we have with each other.
40:37 – 43:59
If He Wanted to He Could
1. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Is the cliche, "If he wanted to, he would," true?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  It is absolutely false.
3. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
4. SSStephan Speaks
  I hate that saying [laughs] . It is one of the many I hate. And here's the reason why I hate it. It can be true ... So okay, let, if we look at human beings as w- when, when we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all these things, then I think something like that can be true. So think about, like, two kids in high school, right? And the boy's never experienced love. He falls for some woman. There's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things. But the reality is that as human beings, we go through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful, that cause us to doubt, right? And so now it can create a level of hesitation, a, a unwillingness to cross certain lines. So yes, a man could love a woman, he could be willing, but you have to find out what may be the blockage. So to me, it, it's fi- I, I will apply that saying if a woman has let it be known to that man what she needs from him, okay? So if, for example, two people start dating and she's really big on communication, right? So she wants to hear from him every single day. Okay? He's calling every few days, right? And some girlfriend says to her, "Well, if he wanted to, he would." And she runs with that and cuts him off because, well, clearly he must not be serious. But what you didn't know was the last girl he dated, when he called her every day, she felt like he, he was smothering her. So now he's scared to call every day 'cause he doesn't know what you want. He doesn't wanna come off needy or overbearing or whatever, so he's trying to play it cool. It has nothing to do with his desire or willingness.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  It has everything to do with him trying to navigate this situation because of what he's either been advised or been through or whatever. So that's why the key is if that same woman says to him, "Listen, I'm not hearing from you as much as I want to. If you're gonna date me, I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication. We need to talk every single day." Now, if he's really serious about her, he'll call her every day. You giving him the green light, he's gonna do it, you see? And if he's not serious about her, then he will probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever the case may be. But now you can run with that statement because it's been made clear to him. But there are so many underlying things going on and so many reasons, uh, e- especially when you consider the advice being given on the internet nowadays, all right? Like, there is literally advice that tells people ignore someone if you want them more-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
8. SSStephan Speaks
  ... or want them to want you more, okay? [laughs] Like, literally when you understand what people are being fed, then you start to realize it's not as simple as if they want to, they would. No, talk to them first.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  And then s- I always say the way to determine how serious someone is about you is not in seeing what they do on their own, it's seeing how they handle your expression of concerns and feelings.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
13. JSJay Shetty
  Okay.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  That's what's gonna show you how, not just how serious they are about you, but how mature they are and, a- and if they're emotionally ready to be in a relationship. 'Cause someone who cannot hear you out is not ready for a real relationship, all right? But if they can sit, talk to you, listen, not dismiss, and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
43:59 – 48:28
Emotional Maturity in Relationships
1. JSJay Shetty
  But I find that's the thing, going back to your third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard today because that requires healing. To be able to hear someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns and challenges and how they feel, and to actually validate it without invalidating yourself, right? I think that's why we struggle so much, because if someone's saying something, like if you were saying to me like, "Hey, Jay, like, you know, I, I don't like the way that, you know, your, your friends speak to me when they're around." If I hear that, I hi- I start defending my friends 'cause I'm like, "What are you talking about? My friends are amazing. Like, they're, they're the best, they're the greatest." Now I've invalidated you to validate myself, 'cause we think validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself, or if I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is, oh, I could validate you and also stand true-
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Yes
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... to who I am.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Yes.
5. JSJay Shetty
  That's a healed individual. And so I can agree with you and I can also share my perspective, but I find that if we're looking for that off the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people is really small?
6. SSStephan Speaks
  It is.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  But this is the unfortunate, harsh reality. Because that portion is so small and because we overlook those types of issues, well, that's why we have so much unhealthy relationships. That's why we have such a high divorce rate. And I always tell people, people love to harbor on the divorce rate as an argument not to get married. And I'm like, hold up. If we could quantify the breakup rate, it would probably make the divorce rate look like child's play, all right?
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  People break up way more a- and, and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship dynamic. So the reality is that, yes, if we took this approach that said someone needs to be emotionally mature before we can enter in a relationship with them, relationships will plummet. [laughs]
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  There, there will be a lot less relationships. However, two things would happen from that. There would be more healthy relationships, and people would start to realize this is an unacceptable trait that they're carrying with them.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns, well, they will never understand the need to fix that, all right? And it's the same, it's that same issue. Like, literally, I was just coaching a, a married couple who they're going through it right now, and one of the big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other when they're expressing their concerns, all right? So it's like, yeah, you can look past this if you want, but you're gonna pay a price. Is that price worth it? And most do not survive that. At some point, you're gonna have to learn it anyway, right? So I just think, yeah, I, I think it'd be best. And I understand, and I'm speaking idealistically. Realistically, most people are gonna overlook this issue. Most people are gonna give a pass, right? But I think even if you're gonna give a pass to a certain extent, it needs to be discussed. It needs to be understood. And to your point, I love that you said, 'cause I, I literally just did a video on my men's channel about how to communicate with a woman more effectively, and one of the things I expressed was how, listen, in that situation where she says, "I don't like the way your friends speak to me," you can still say, "I understand that's how you feel. I don't see it that way, but let me try to understand why you feel that way."
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  You see what I'm saying?
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  So I'm gonna meet you where you are. I'm gonna acknowledge your feelings. I'm still gonna express my view is different than yours, but let's see if we can come to an understanding of this. That in itself would eliminate so many arguments.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Totally.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? [laughs]
21. JSJay Shetty
  Totally, yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  So much conflict just by doing that. So I do think that men and women, everyone needs to understand we need to strive for that at the very least. Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment. The blessing could simply be that the relationship just needed certain things addressed, and you guys will be able to come back together and make it better than ever. Some of you needed to be cheated on Because if you weren't, you would have never left that relationship. But you always knew it was an unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred, but you were in denial of that and were trying to hold onto something that wasn't best for you. I'm a believer in I don't give myself any more than three days. All right? Three days to grieve, whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt. After three days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go through my healing
48:28 – 53:34
Always Be Open to Connection
1. SSStephan Speaks
  process.
2. JSJay Shetty
  I think this is an important question because I think a lot of people have a type, going back to your desirables, that they're looking for.
3. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm-hmm.
4. JSJay Shetty
  Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating?
5. SSStephan Speaks
  So there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent, as long as you're not so married to that type to where there's no flexibility outside of that.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
7. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? But I do think that at the end of the day, and this may sound bad to some people, but this is just the reality of it, the more desirable you are, the more it, it, it becomes even necessary for you to have a type. So the analogy I like to give is, let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart, and that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works at a Walmart, right? But the reality is that to be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right? And not many people are all lining up to go work at Walmart. So Walmart might get five applicants, right? They can sit down with each applicant. They can be more flexible and see who fits the job. If Google is hiring for a six-figure or seven-figure position, they're gonna have thousands of applicants, right? There's gonna be a greater level of requirement. There has to be at this position. And now they can't sit down with every person. They're gonna have to weed them out. And once upon a time, how did they do that? They would eliminate you by the color of your resume, the font on your resume. Forget your qualifications, [laughs] okay? Just the mere presentation, because they had to. They had to weed it down to a certain segment, and then from there, choose who's gonna be best. So in dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with honing in on your audience that you want to pull from. However, I think that... Not I think, I know that connection can transcend our type, okay?
8. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
9. SSStephan Speaks
  And I believe the key is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes. Now, I want people to understand, when I say whatever package, it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right? [laughs]
10. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, that's important.
11. SSStephan Speaks
  It doesn't mean you're gonna be disgusted by them any kind of way.
12. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
13. SSStephan Speaks
  It just means that plenty of people, if not everyone, even when having a type, have found someone outside that box that they found attractive-
14. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
15. SSStephan Speaks
  ... all right, that they may even feel drawn to. You have to be open and flexible in that way, all right? And I think, for me, it's less about having such a strict type, but more so fundamental principles. Like, I think attraction is important.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Agreed.
17. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
18. JSJay Shetty
  Agreed.
19. SSStephan Speaks
  Communication is important. There's a level of, the, i- if you're into energy or you can pick up on people's energy, that's gonna be important. And to me, those are foundational things. It's less about, "Well, they gotta be this tall," or, "They have to have this type of job." But there are some core traits that there's nothing wrong with that. So I do think for those that the type is working against, it's because they might be too strict, there's no flexibility, and they're also not understanding are you the type that the type wants.
20. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
21. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay? So you can want your type all you want.
22. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
23. SSStephan Speaks
  That's fine, right? Nothing wrong with that. But are you really tapping into the type of partner they would want? And if, and it's not even... Are you willing, and both can you sustain that, all right? Because there's a lot of people trying to present a certain kind of way to get this type of individual, and they may get them, but they can't keep it up. I'ma give one example, and again, it's never shade to any gender when I use them as an example. But let's say there's a man who wants this ridiculously beautiful woman, right?
24. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
25. SSStephan Speaks
  Who is accustomed to the high life.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Yep.
27. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? And having all kinds of men shower her with gifts and money. And he knows, one, he don't have money like that, and two, he does not have the desire to keep up that lifestyle. But he's so f- infatuated with this woman, he goes and he pulls out all the stops, fancy dinners, gifts, all these things. And he gets her. But then after a few months, the real him comes out. And now he doesn't wanna go to the nice restaurant. He doesn't wanna take the nice trip. He thinks that bag is way too expensive. [laughs]
28. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
29. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay? And now she's pissed off because it's like, "Wait a minute, you sold me on this." And to him it's, "Oh, well, you're ungrateful," or, "You're..." No, you tricked her.
30. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
53:34 – 1:01:15
Insecurities and Jealousy
1. JSJay Shetty
  should the person you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention? Is that a sign of love?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  My, my instinct to, is say no. 100% no.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Um, I, I think- To be honest with you, J- there's a level of insecurity there. All right? Now, don't get me wrong. I do think when we love someone, there may be at least some part of us, right, that's gonna have a eye open to all this attention [laughs] you're getting.
5. JSJay Shetty
  For sure.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  I think that's natural.
7. JSJay Shetty
  For sure.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  But to be bothered by it usually speaks to you not having a sureness in yourself. All right? So-
9. JSJay Shetty
  And in the relationship.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  And in the relation- exact- That, and that's such a key. So, I wanna give a quick story 'cause I think this is-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Please
12. SSStephan Speaks
  ... lines up perfectly. I once had a man, he came to me. He was having a problem in his marriage, and his issue was his wife had this male best friend who she was showing all this attention to. Okay? And he was like, they would be arguing about this friend, and he, she just doesn't wanna let go of this friend and all these things. And I said, "Well, listen. Trying to argue against her friend when she's saying it's noth- it's platonic, there's nothing there, you have nothing to worry about, is a very difficult battle. Let me ask you, what's the quality of the relationship?" And he's like, "Oh, well, it's not that great. We got some issues." I said, "Okay. Before we worry about this friend, let's focus on solidifying the relationship."
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  "All right? Let's make that strong, let's make that good, and then see what happens." He hit me up, I wanna say, like, f- three, four months later. He said, "Man, your advice worked perfectly."
15. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, I love that.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  By him shifting his focus to the relationship quality and fixing everything in there, the issue with the friend completely disappeared. She naturally was not showing the friend any more attention like she was anymore. A- just everything fell into place. So, going back to the, to your point about jealousy, yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves that they do not feel secure in their relationship for various reasons, and this attention that your partner is getting is a threat to you. It is a threat that, well, what if they like it so much they take someone up on their offer? All right? But if you really felt good about yourself and this relationship, you're just not gonna worry about it. And I think also it goes to a level of, I'm gonna use the word evolving in life, and understanding that you cannot control everything. So, to me, I just feel like, and, and I have a feeling you're probably the same exact way, I'm not gonna be worried about this attention you're getting because at the end of the day, if you're gonna do something wrong, you're gonna do it wrong. Me trying to police you is a waste of my energy. It is too stressful. I don't want that life.
17. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
18. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  Do your thing. Now, if you do something you're not supposed to do, you will pay a consequence. I will let you go.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  But I'm not gonna sit here and check on this and watch this, or you can't go he- Man, do what makes you happy. Enjoy yourself. And I want you to, to live in your truth. I don't wanna suppress you in any kind of way. And I'm gonna b- bring this up.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, go for it.
24. SSStephan Speaks
  And I'm just gonna say this is a theory.
25. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
26. SSStephan Speaks
  I'm not saying I'm accurate, but it's something for everyone to think about. So, th- talking about attention, I, I do think that in most cases, the is- the, the dynamic is usually the woman getting a ton of attention and the man not knowing how to handle that. And there are a lot of men on the internet who, like, they go in on these women who, "Oh, well, you, you're always wanting this attention. You're posting here." There was even celebrities once that talked about something like that, and they went in on her. Anyways, I have this theory or this question. I was like, what if attention for women is like sexual desire for men?
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  And what I mean by that is you'll hear men make the argument of, "Well, I can have sex with these different women and it's nothing. I d- it doesn't mean anything to me," but they just enjoy the sex. They would never leave the woman they love, all these things. And I'm not advocating for any cheating or anything, I'm just explaining this dynamic.
29. JSJay Shetty
  A mentality.
30. SSStephan Speaks
  Yes.
1:01:15 – 1:09:56
How Do You Initiate Open Communication?
1. JSJay Shetty
  How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? Because there are so many people I know that if their partner asks them this kinda question, their partner will be like, "Uh, I don't really think about that stuff," or, "I, I don't really know," or just go quiet. I've heard this from so many people. I'm sure you-
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... see it all the time. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate?
4. SSStephan Speaks
  Well, my, my initial response is gonna be you don't communicate with them at all. You let them go. [laughs] But-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
6. SSStephan Speaks
  We, we-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Let's say you've already gone too deep
8. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah, we, a- and we know it's not always that simple.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  So, and, and this is part of the problem of not understanding ourselves coming into it. Because the reality is that levels of communication or what each person needs is gonna differ, right? Some people need a lot of communication, some not much. And so when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate, I, I do think you have to ask yourself, one, if this is not gonna change, are you gonna be okay? And also, what, which, which types of discussions are we unable to have? So for example, if a woman or a man wants to be able to have, like, political discussions with their partner, right? And their partner doesn't wanna engage in that type of stuff. To me, that's not worth leaving them for. Now, of course, everyone's different, and if it's gonna bother you to the point where it's gonna affect your ability to show up in this relationship the way that you need to, then you still should walk away regardless of what it means to me or how I view it or anyone else views it. However, I do think one of the things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we can supplement certain things, right? Do you know how they say it takes a, a village to raise a child? I think it takes a village to have successful marriages-
11. JSJay Shetty
  I agree
12. SSStephan Speaks
  ... and relationships. Because okay, maybe, and I'm, again, I'm just gonna use the women as an example. Let's say you had something stressful happen to you today. You wanna call your husband, right? But he's busy right now, and he's busy a lot, and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom first or your female friend. That way you can get all your frustration out, you can vent, he can do his thing, and then when he has more time later, you can do a quick recap.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  And now that works for everybody. You see what I'm saying? But the problem is for some people, when your partner is your whole world and you don't have any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict. So I do think that's one when we consider the whole communication issue. But if, if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed-
15. JSJay Shetty
  That's it, yeah
16. SSStephan Speaks
  ... that is, it's, it's hard for me to give any kinda workaround that. 'Cause if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it? You see? And so of course I'm all for, you know, trying to understand what this person's, uh, hesitancy is, why they struggle in this way. Um, it, because a lot of times it's not as simple as, well, they just don't communicate.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Totally.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  There's something going on. Maybe they feel like you're g- not gonna listen to what they have to say. They're used to being dismissed. Like, I, I have to throw out there, I, I love women, but women swear they're the greatest communicators, and a lot of times they're not. [laughs]
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  Okay? And they don't realize how in that moment, because they're so... Women are so in tune with how they feel, and they're so immersed in it, that it's easy for them to become blind to how it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool, she probably can pick up on things easy, right? But when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about something, whatever, she's frustrated, that blocks a lot. And so a lot of women don't realize in their discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  And so going forward, he doesn't wanna talk about anything, 'cause to him it's pointless. This isn't gonna go anywhere. This is gonna be you saying how you feel. You're not gonna listen to what, how I feel. What's the point? It reminds me of how a lot of men don't wanna go to counseling, because they view counseling as a one-sided affair. The woman's gonna say all the bad things that he does, and when he tries to express himself, it's gonna be used against him. So he's like, "What's the point?" So as a woman or a man, 'cause it can happen to both sides, you have to start with, "Am I creating an environment for healthy-
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
24. SSStephan Speaks
  ... communication?" Period.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? Because if you're not, any attempts to pull out of them more communication is not gonna work.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  All right?
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
30. SSStephan Speaks
  So start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone, how are you approaching things. I also think for people who are struggling to, to communicate, consider doing it via letters, right?
1:09:56 – 1:17:35
All Is Not Lost in Breakups
1. JSJay Shetty
  What are the natural feelings and emotions we all have to go through in a breakup that you can't avoid?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Well, one thing I wanna point out before I get to that is this. I think we have to start with understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those two things, and it's creating all kinds of-
3. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, this is good
4. SSStephan Speaks
  ... issues and confusion, all right? Like, you'll hear people say, "Well, everyone deserves to be loved." Okay, they can be loved by their mother, by their friends, by society, whoever. That doesn't mean you qualify for a relationship. And someone can love you, or you can love someone, but if certain things aren't in place to have a successful relationship, it still won't work. So we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically mean someone doesn't love you, nor does someone wanting to be in a relationship with you mean that they love you. 'Cause a man or man or a woman who wants to use you could wanna be in a relationship with you, could wanna marry you. It has nothing to do with love. It's two separate things, all right? Now, with that understood, what we have to understand when we're going through a breakup is, one, all is not lost. Like, we gotta start there. 'Cause it's so, it's so easy to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before our eyes. We're devastated. How are we gonna get past this? And it's like, listen, all is not lost. There's been billions of people who have gone through a breakup and who have survived, but who all felt like in that moment they don't know how they're gonna continue, okay? We have to remember this is just a moment. Life is about moments, right? If you let the moment get the best of you, it can throw everything off. But when you can conquer that moment, you're on the right track and you can keep moving forward in a good direction. So keep that in perspective, but of course that's hard to do when you're still going through the breakup. I also think, going back to the point that I made, is stop questioning if they love you, okay? 'Cause that, I think, is what weighs on some people the most. It's like, "I gave them all this time and energy, all these years, and they didn't even love me." It's like, no, no, no. They could have still loved you, but there's another issue that exists here. And what people-- this goes back to, unfortunately, I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations- ... how much different issues play into why people do what they do, okay? But everyone is so used to the very surface level perspective of, well, okay, if, if, for example, if this person breaks up and they jump into a new relationship, well, clearly they never loved you. That's not true. Some people do that because they love you so much and they can't deal with the pain, and they figure, "I need someone to distract me from this." So they don't love the new person, okay? Now, granted, could it be the other way around, that they never loved you? That is possible. That is possible. But it isn't always what you think it is, all right? So trying to dwell on and question if they love me, it's, it's not healthy because, one, we cannot prove or disprove it, okay? They can claim it. We, we just have to accept whatever is being presented to us. 'Cause at the end of the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says guaranteed this was love or not love? But two, you just don't... Y- you can't rely on what you're seeing and experiencing to answer that question. And the question is less about do they love you, and the better question to ask yourself is, are we best for each other right now? Because even if there's love, if we're not best for each other right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise, all right? And most, most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment. The blessing could simply be, for some people, not all, that the relationship just needed certain things addressed, and you guys will be able to come back together and make it better than ever.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  The blessing might be this was never the person for you, and had they not broken up with you, you'd have never walked away from them. Like I've said to people, and this may sound bad, but this is just real, I've said at my shows before, some of you needed to be cheated on. Because if you weren't, you would have never left that relationship.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  But you always knew it was an unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred, but you were in denial of that and were trying to hold onto something that wasn't best for you, and you needed something strong enough to break you free from that situation. So it's a blessing as much as it hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to, you, you mentioned it, and I think it's very important for people to understand, is stop internalizing the whole thing.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  All right? Because again, even in situations where people break up with us and they hurt us, and let's say we can't point to anything wrong, right, that was done, we don't know what they're battling. Like, we, w- it's the whole hurt people hurt people, okay? It's not really about us. There's something within them. So I, I recently had a situation where a woman's devastated because a man broke up with her because the fa- his family would not accept her. They did something that they weren't supposed to do early on in the process that goes against the family's beliefs, and even though she's, sh- this man loves her. He wanted to marry her, but the family was like, they'll disown him if she, if he goes forward with it. So in something like that, again, she has all these questions running through her head. She's internalizing, and it's like, no, but this, there's something at play here that even he can't... Well, I'm not gonna say he can't control, 'cause he can choose to-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Disobey his family
12. SSStephan Speaks
  ... not let his family... Yeah, exactly. But that's not as easy as, oh, if you love someone, you'll do... No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right? So there's just so much more at play. So going back to the question of the, the emotions we go through during a breakup, the main thing is I believe we do have to give ourselves a, a moment to grieve. It's normal, it's okay, and in grieving, it's about releasing, all right? So if you need to cry, cry, right? If you're angry, let yourself be angry. Flush out, detox all those emotions. But then we have to pick a deadline. Like, I'm a believer in I don't give myself any more than three days, all right? Three days to grieve, whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt. After three days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go through my healing process, all right? For some people, it might be seven days. For somebody else, it might be two. Whatever the case may be, you have to give yourself a structure of, "All right, I'm not gonna dwell in this."
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  "I'm gonna start working past this in a healthy way." Because again, too many people focus on the whole get under someone to get over someone, which is completely unhealthy and bad [laughs] okay? A- and all these other, uh, methods of trying to move forward that are only keeping them stuck emotionally, but they're moving forward on the surface, all right? So there's a lot of people who've moved on to other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally, and they do not realize how that is still playing a part, not only in who you choose to be with, but in how you show up in that relationship.
15. JSJay Shetty
  For sure, man. For sure. Yeah, it's such a... When I'm listening to you speak, I'm just thinking, like, there are so many people carrying someone else's baggage into a new relationship-
16. SSStephan Speaks
  Mm-hmm
17. JSJay Shetty
  ... and not allowing the new person to be the person they are.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah.
19. JSJay Shetty
  And you realize it's your old baggage that's blocking this one.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah.
21. JSJay Shetty
  And their old baggage that's blocking this one, and then you may lose that one.
1:17:35 – 1:22:43
The Right Person at the Wrong Time
1. JSJay Shetty
  In that, do you believe that there's right person, wrong time?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Absolutely. I'm 100% believer in that. I know a lot of people argue against it, but I have so many stories of people who, let's say, met in college, right, and something went wrong, and then 10, 15 years later reunite, and maybe even in between that time married someone else or other relationships or whatever, and now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever. Again, it goes back to people understanding l- love is one thing, relationship is another. So you can experience connection, you can experience real love, but if that person still has things they need to heal from, it is very likely gonna derail the situation. All right? If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves together in certain ways that they can feel more secure about themselves, that's gonna derail the situation. People need to evolve. It's not as simple as, "Oh, we love each other, everything's supposed to work perfectly." That's not life. That's not real life. I would love for it to be that way, it's just not. And so a lot of people don't accept the fact that... And, and f- I'm a very spiritual person, so I believe in praying about everything, and I believe one of the mistakes people make is that, for those who are believers, they don't pray and talk to God about if they should move forward or if they should be with this person. And they don't realize that sometimes we could be presented with something so that we can see that it's there, but doesn't mean it's time for us to have it yet.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  It's almost like sometimes you could be presented with an opportunity business-wise, and you may feel like, "Yeah, I'm ready for it. Let's, let's do it. Boom, boom, boom," but you're not really prepared. Now, if you, if you went s- from a spiritual place and understood and let God, your spirit, guide you, it would tell you, "No, slow down. Don't do it just yet." But think about it like the person who they, they win the lottery. They win millions of dollars. They've been hoping for this all their life, and they blow through that million in a few months, or their whole life is ruined. Why? It was not time for them to have that kind of money. They did not learn the lessons they need to learn. They were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or whatever, access. And the same thing happens in relationships. People aren't ready for that level of vulnerability. They're not let- ready for that level of responsibility. You know, perfect example is, like, if a woman finds her first love in high school, or man or woman, but I'll say this happens a lot to women where she's head over heels over this guy, but this is a young man who has not developed at all emotionally. Chances are he's gonna mess up and this situation's gonna fall apart. And those who have survived, not all, but many who have survived finding love that young, they either, one, just dealt with all the bumps and s- stayed together, or they had that village around them to help them get through these situations-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
6. SSStephan Speaks
  ... to teach them. He had guidance, she had guidance that allowed them to have love and make it work at such a young age. So when you hear about back in the days people marrying younger, yet they had community.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. SSStephan Speaks
  That made a huge difference. But now you have people essentially on an island, being young, trying to make a relationship work-
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. SSStephan Speaks
  ... and it's like, yo, like, we're asking too much.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  Some people get lucky, but the majority won't survive that. And, and I'm using a high school example, but that can happen co- that can happen as grown adults.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  People could be 30, 40 years, 50 years old, mo- older, and certain things have stunted their emotional growth.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. SSStephan Speaks
  And they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  So yeah, but again, that doesn't mean they're the wrong person, okay? Because the person is about the character. It's about the traits that fit together, right? That can be in harmony with each other. But they still have to develop certain aspects that will allow a relationship to thrive, which is why some people, I feel the need to say, it's kinda hitting my spirit, you'll have these situations where they can be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship, right?
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  And for some of those people, it's a matter of when they try to be in a relationship, they were not emotionally ready for that.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  And there was conflict in how we handled that. But the, who they are as people, it's like this.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
24. SSStephan Speaks
  Right? So that's why the friendship continues, and now, I, I'm, I don't wanna r- ruffle any feathers, but I'm gonna sc- say it, for s- at least some of these people, that's their true love.
25. JSJay Shetty
  For sure.
26. SSStephan Speaks
  But because everything went wrong the first go around, they're too afraid to leave the friendship box. So now it's like, "Nah, let's just be friends. That's where we operate best," right? But in reality, no, you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal, and you will actually be able to come back together.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  For some people. Not all, 'cause I don't want every friend person right now thinking- [laughs]
29. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
30. SSStephan Speaks
  ... that's their situation.
1:22:43 – 1:27:14
Every Dating Relationship is a Process
1. JSJay Shetty
  If there's a man and a woman listening right now, and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, unconfident about relationships, they've had a bit of rough luck. They're trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept who they are. They're doing the healing, but they're in a tough place. What would you say to them?
2. SSStephan Speaks
  Just keep pushing forward. Like, don't, don't get discouraged. You know, everything is a process. It's like even trying to become successful. I, m- the majority, if not every successful person that I know, has a story of having to go through the grind and having moments where we want to quit, we want to give up. We're like, "This is not working anymore. I can't keep doing this." But we, we trusted, whether it be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing, and eventually the breakthrough happens, and then boom. We're, we're never d- we're, we're successful the rest of our lives. As long as we keep working, we're successful. And so with dating and relationships, I believe it's the same thing. People want love to be this very pop it in the microwave and everything's ready, and it's like, no, it's a process, and you may have to meet several people. And I say meet. I'm not saying you have to get romantically involved with everybody, but you're gonna have to come across some situations. You're gonna have to learn, you have to grow. And even when you're doing all the right things, don't think it's not working. It, it reminds me of working out. You can work out for months Do all the right things. Look yourself in the mirror and be like, "There's no progress." Why? Because all you're looking at is your stomach.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
4. SSStephan Speaks
  And you're like, "Well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way I want." But what you're failing to look at is your arms are more cut, you got more muscles in your legs, your stamina's up. What you're doing is working. You're just looking at the one final result to validate the work.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, so good.
6. SSStephan Speaks
  So understand that in this process, you are growing. It is working. Things are developing. But yes, the relationship result may take a little bit longer, and it's kind of going back to that fitness example. What they tell you is when you're losing fat, sometimes it'll go, it'll lose everywhere, and then the stomach will be the last place. And then when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy. So it's the same thing. You might be seeing all these other things improve first, and it, and you're not seeing the relationship, you're not seeing the relationship. But then when it finally hits, it's great. It's amazing. So just keep pushing forward, keep doing what you need to do. Continue to be open to whatever you need to improve upon. Never get in the mindset of, "Well, I'm great, and the world is just ridiculous." [laughs]
7. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
8. SSStephan Speaks
  It's like, no, no, no. What can I continue to do better? What, what can I tweak? What adjustments can I make? Because sometimes it is a matter of a small adjustment that will make a huge difference. And I think as long as you keep an open mind, and you don't view not having the result right now as a defeat, right? You understand this is a process, you will get to your destination at some point.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Well said. Uh, Stephan Speaks, thank you always, Stephan.
10. SSStephan Speaks
  My pleasure, man.
11. JSJay Shetty
  I appreciate these conversations with you. You always have, like, this ability to just pull things apart, to really look at them for what they are. I really appreciate you, man.
12. SSStephan Speaks
  Oh, thank you, man.
13. JSJay Shetty
  The way you think about things is so refreshing and all-encompassing, and I hope everyone who's been listening or watching, I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place because of the advice that Stephan shared today. And please make sure you subscribe to Stephan's YouTube channel. Check out his books if you're someone who loves reading and listening, audiobooks too.
14. SSStephan Speaks
  Yeah, absolutely.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, and Stephan, is there anywhere else you'd like people to find you right now? Anything you got going on that you'd like to share?
16. SSStephan Speaks
  Uh, just go to my site, stephanspeaksshop, or my YouTube. You know, check me out. Uh, hopefully I can connect with more and more people and just help as many people as possible.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. SSStephan Speaks
  Find love and, and find just a better overall life.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. SSStephan Speaks
  It's not just about relationship, or at least it starts relationship with self.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SSStephan Speaks
  You know? And getting that right, and everything else falling in place. Well, for me, self and God.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely. Well, excited to have you back.
24. SSStephan Speaks
  Thank you, man.
25. JSJay Shetty
  You always have an open invite.
26. SSStephan Speaks
  Oh, pleasure.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Thank you, my friend.
28. SSStephan Speaks
  Thank you.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Thank you. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
30. SPSpeaker
  People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.