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Jay Shetty Podcast

Matthew Hussey ON: How to Get Over Your Ex & Find True Love in Your Relationships

Mathew Hussey sits down with Jay Shetty to talk about dealing with relationships.

Matthew HusseyguestJay Shettyhost

Aug 9, 20211h 28mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Meeting at Last and a Favorite Love Story
Jay Shetty welcomes Matthew Hussey after years of near-misses, and they chat about England's final and watching sport. Jay then asks for Matthew's favorite love story, and Matthew describes the anime film Weathering With You as a love that chooses someone even when it's raining.
- •Both had wanted to connect for years and are mutual friends of Lewis Howes
- •Matthew prefers watching big matches at home with family rather than in a loud bar
- •Weathering With You: a boy chooses a girl even if she can no longer make the sun shine
- •This is a more grown-up love than loving someone only while the sun is shining
Relationship Competence Over Mindless Attraction
Matthew explains how 15 years of coaching changed his view of love: he now weights timing more than finding the right person and values relationship skills above surface traits. He argues age-gap relationships struggle because of differing relationship competence.
- •We rate partners on an Instagram-profile list like charisma or playing guitar
- •A partner needs to be great at a relationship, not at music
- •Big age gaps are hard because of a gap in relationship competence and experience
- •Love is more like starting a business than winning the lottery
- •We undervalue relationship skills and overvalue mindless attraction
Learning New Moves and Staying a Student
Jay asks how people build relationship competence, and both admit they once believed they were great partners while being kind but clueless. Matthew says growth comes from staying curious when a partner does something unfamiliar, keeping a student mindset, and surrounding yourself with honest friends or a therapist.
- •You can be kind and dumb and still hurt people
- •A partner who argues with compassion shows you a new move worth learning from
- •Constant student mindset instead of defending your own way
- •A friend's line that you get what you pay for in a relationship
- •Friends who only side with you can send you back into conflict more defiant
When Your Special Moves Stop Working
Jay describes how he used to go above and beyond to be loved, then felt like the victim when love wasn't returned, until his wife wasn't impressed by any of it. Matthew reflects that this stripped away his special moves and let him be loved for who he is.
- •Jay loved being loved and gave gifts and attention to win affection
- •His wife valued him simply for being himself, which unraveled the old pattern
- •Matthew says kind guys can be more dangerous than the textbook jerk
- •The early performance is genuinely about getting something for ourselves rather than discovering someone
Falling Too Fast and Valuing the Right Things
Matthew says one of the biggest problems among his coaching clients is falling in love too fast after a few great dates, mistaking an impressive date for knowing someone. He argues nerves signal you're valuing the wrong things, and that someone ghosting after eight good weeks has given you closure.
- •Early dating often involves a desire to impress rather than connect
- •Matthew dislikes how quickly everyone is labeled a narcissist
- •Getting crazy nervous means valuing looks or status instead of how someone relates to you
- •Someone who vanishes in week nine only showed they had eight good weeks in them
Grieving What Could Have Been: Mindful Dating
Matthew and Jay discuss how people obsess over what a lost partner could have been, grieving a fantasy that by definition never happened. Matthew ties this to mindful dating: stay on the date you're on rather than building 95% of a person from 5% of knowledge.
- •Heartbreak is the loss of the life we imagined with someone
- •If it should have been, it would have been
- •We write the whole trilogy before the second date is over
- •Mindful dating means being on date two, not date 32
- •The Talented Mr. Ripley line about attention being like sun that then moves on
The Poet Versus the Poetry
Using a Bukowski story about a stolen poem, Matthew says everyone can be a poet on a date, but poetry is the relationship itself. He argues we should value the rare people willing to write the poetry over the charming poets.
- •You can't know a person's behavior in a crisis, anxiety, or year three from a few dates
- •Bukowski's story ends with God saying he created many poets but little poetry
- •Poets are a dime a dozen; poetry is rare
- •We should value those willing to stick with us for years more than those who are merely charming
Green Flags: Fights, Compassion, and Having the Conversation
Asked what to look for early, Matthew points to how a partner reacts when you reveal something real, how they argue, and whether they come back to apologize. He says a good relationship is one where the conversation can be had, quoting David Brooks that marriage is a 50-year conversation.
- •Notice whether they respond with compassion and curiosity when you let them see you
- •Look for whether someone argues to damage or to rebuild
- •Coming back after reflection and owning mistakes is a good sign
- •The key sign is whether the conversation can be had, not who is right
Taking Responsibility and the Brave Check-In
Jay describes the waiting game after arguments and how he regularly asks his wife whether the relationship is going where she wants. He takes responsibility for its quality, and recalls a monk teaching about student and teacher levels. Matthew calls this brave and says many won't step into a place where they could be criticized.
- •Couples can get stuck waiting for the other person to make up
- •Jay checks in with his wife on direction and what each is willing to do
- •His wife takes responsibility in areas he doesn't always notice
- •Monk teaching: a one-out-of-ten student gets little even from a ten-out-of-ten teacher if both are low
Creating Your Own Dating Culture and Giving Energy You Can Lose
Matthew argues that intention changes how you date, and that if dating culture isn't serving you, you should create your own, like the lighthouse that draws ships. He advises giving an amount of energy you're willing to lose and warns against pouring months into someone who doesn't give equal energy back.
- •Intentional daters look for what could be right rather than discarding people quickly
- •Create your own culture, as with being responsible for part of the party
- •Playing it cool and indifferent attracts people with demons who chase the unavailable
- •Give an amount of energy you don't mind losing, like a set casino budget
- •Staying with someone giving unequal energy feels safer than rejection but is the more dangerous option
Endless Choice, Endless Disappointment, and Finding Your Audience
Jay asks about the paradox of unlimited choice paired with fear of never finding anyone. Matthew says many experience an endless ocean of disappointment and feel they can't compete with a date's endless choice, and he compares it to creators feeling the world doesn't need another voice, concluding you only need one person who vibes with you.
- •People on apps often experience ghosting and fizzling rather than abundant choice
- •Fear of not competing with someone's endless options erodes authenticity
- •Matthew has doubted whether the world needs another voice as a creator
- •Zinsser's idea: the world hasn't heard your take on Tokyo
- •For a serious relationship you only need one person, not everyone
Can You Change Someone? Why Would It Be Different This Time
Jay asks about the belief that a partner's potential means you can change them. Matthew says if people struggle to keep their own resolutions, it's foolish to expect change in someone who hasn't admitted a problem, and he suggests asking what is different this time and what the belief is really based on.
- •A quote about how hard it is to change yourself and so how foolish it is to change someone else
- •Real change requires acknowledging the problem, desire to change, and a plan
- •After a breakup, ask sincerely why it would be different this time
- •Many people go to therapy because a partner pushed them, which is a problem without skin in the game
- •Hoping someone will change may reflect your own fear of losing someone
Heartbreak, Abandonment Demons, and Compassion for Your Future Self
Matthew recalls a stranger telling him at 25 that he had never been heartbroken, and how that shaped his later approach. He explains how an abandonment fear can push people into pleasing and then to reconsider leaving, and urges compassion toward your future self, while Jay adds that thoughts can't simply be cut out.
- •A stranger at the Beverly Hills sign told him he'd never been heartbroken
- •Self-development rhetoric can trivialize how hard change and leaving are
- •The abandonment voice changes tactics from people-pleasing to romanticizing the ex
- •The same demon would appear with another person
- •Compassion for your future self may mean leaving even when it hurts now
1:18:40 – 1:22:25
The 30-Day Confidence Challenge
Asked if there's anything left to share, Matthew describes his five-challenge, 30-day confidence program built on the psychology of confidence and incremental belief. Jay endorses it and adds his own three Cs of change: coaching, consistency, and community.
- •Confidence can feel abstract and hard to grab onto
- •Five challenges are designed around the psychology of confidence, not a total transformation
- •Belief is built incrementally through small wins
- •Sign-up is at mhchallenge.com, with a kickoff call and community
- •Jay says change needs coaching, consistency, and community
The Final Five and Closing Thoughts
Jay asks Matthew five one-sentence questions on relationship advice, love, purpose, and a world law. They close with mutual praise and a reminder about the challenge.
- •Worst advice: find someone who loves you more than you love them
- •Best advice: make a list of what matters in a partner and be that list
- •Love defined as generous interpretation of other people's behavior
- •Purpose: to make people feel less alone in their suffering
- •The golden rule as the one law

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