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Mel Robbins ON: Why You Can’t Stop Procrastinating & How to Eliminate Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds

Mel Robbins chats with Jay Shetty about the High 5 habit and how it can help you come to terms with your real self. How you start your day sets the tone for the rest of your day and immensely affects your confidence and productivity.

Mel RobbinsguestGreat Minds Jay Shettyhost

Oct 4, 20211h 22mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

80 min read · 16,234 words

0:00 – 2:38
Intro
1. MRMel Robbins
  You don't even know the number of amazing things you do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to, and then you use that as evidence, again, dust on the mirror, to see a human being that's not measuring up and never will and all that stuff their stupid fourth grade teacher said to you must be true. Dust on the mirror. No. You need to interrupt this, period.
2. JSJay Shetty
  [upbeat music] Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's guest is a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her audiobooks, have been revolutionary. They've been absolutely phenomenal. And finally, this is- I can't believe this is the first time we actually have her on On Purpose. I'm speaking about the one and only Mel Robbins. For those of you that don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal development and transformation, and an international best-selling author. Her work includes the global phenomenon The 5 Second Rule, and the upcoming book that we're talking about today, The High 5 Habit. And you can join The High 5 Habit Challenge through the link in our description. Plus, she has four number one best-selling audiobooks, the number one podcast on Audible, as well as signature online courses that have changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide. Please welcome to On Purpose-
3. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
4. JSJay Shetty
  ... Mel Robbins. Mel-
5. MRMel Robbins
  Jay
6. JSJay Shetty
  ... thank you for being here.
7. MRMel Robbins
  I love you.
8. JSJay Shetty
  I-
9. MRMel Robbins
  I gotta, like, oh.
10. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, yes. There we go.
11. MRMel Robbins
  That's five, baby.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Let's do both.
13. MRMel Robbins
  I don't know if I can do that... Oh, the left one too.
14. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs] Other way.
15. MRMel Robbins
  I think I just pulled a muscle under my rib. Okay. But-
16. JSJay Shetty
  I, I can't believe this is your first time here.
17. MRMel Robbins
  Well, first of all, thank you, because you've invited me. And, um, I just knew I wanted to wait until I had something truly extraordinary to talk to you about.
18. JSJay Shetty
  That-
19. MRMel Robbins
  And I do
20. JSJay Shetty
  ... that just shows how modest you are, because you always have something-
21. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
22. JSJay Shetty
  ... extraordinary to talk about. But I too am happy. Today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High 5 Habit: Take Control of Your Life with 1 Simple Habit. This is a book that I want everyone who's listening right now to go and order. I know we haven't even started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what I've read from the book, my conversations with Mel, not just online, but offline. And Mel, I know you have a interesting story about how this relates to me somehow-
23. MRMel Robbins
  Oh-
24. JSJay Shetty
  ... which you mentioned to me
25. MRMel Robbins
  ... oh, I do.
26. JSJay Shetty
  And I've been holding back-
27. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
28. JSJay Shetty
  ... since you walked in the room. I was like, "Save it for the podcast. Save it for the podcast."
2:38 – 4:46
Think Like A Monk: Is it dust or is it me?
1. JSJay Shetty
  Can you reveal my connection with The High 5 Habit?
2. MRMel Robbins
  I sure can.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Okay.
4. MRMel Robbins
  Um, so when I was coming on, it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound connection that you and I share around what we're about to talk about. Now, like everybody on the planet-
5. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
6. MRMel Robbins
  ... I devoured your book. I literally dog-eared it. I highlighted it. And on page seven, there is a story that you tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external influences that obscure our true selves.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. MRMel Robbins
  You know what story I'm talking about.
9. JSJay Shetty
  I do. I, I believe it's, uh, Is It Dust or Is It Me?
10. MRMel Robbins
  Yes.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Is that the-
12. MRMel Robbins
  Yes
13. JSJay Shetty
  ... about the mirror and the du-
14. MRMel Robbins
  Yes
15. JSJay Shetty
  ... yes.
16. MRMel Robbins
  Yes. And so the story is all about this metaphor of up in this attic of the ashram, there's a mirror with a thick layer of dust, and when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a thick layer of dust, you can't truly see yourself, your soul, your spirit. And the dust comes from your life. It's not you. I'm gonna get, like, super emotional already-
17. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
18. MRMel Robbins
  ... 'cause The High 5 Habit is how you wipe the dust away.
19. JSJay Shetty
  I know. And when I was reading that, for anyone who's not watching right now, Mel is on the verge of, of tears. Uh, but if you're listening, when I opened up The High 5 Habit and you tell that story for you-
20. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... of you're looking in the mirror, as we all do in the morning-
22. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... when we wake up to brush our teeth, and you're criticizing yourself. You're poking holes in your appearance, in how you wish you worked out more, how you've got such a long to-do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd rather curl up and-
24. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... watch TV and do nothing for the rest of the day, and that is an experience that we all have had more than we even think. Like, we've had that daily. A lot of us have had that for months and even years. And so it's amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror.
26. MRMel Robbins
  Yes.
4:46 – 8:38
The High 5 Habit
1. JSJay Shetty
  Tell us about what has changed about how you look in the mirror today with The High 5 Habit.
2. MRMel Robbins
  So I have been practicing this habit for a little over a year, and it all began in April of 2020, and this is not something that I was like, "Okay, I gotta write a book. It's gotta have a five in it. It's gonna be five years since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD."
3. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
4. MRMel Robbins
  "What am I gonna write about? What am I..." That, that, that's not how this happened. The High 5 Habit saved me. It was a ladder that helped me climb out of a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And a year later, after practicing what is going to sound like a weird, stupid thing-
5. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
6. MRMel Robbins
  ... which you will resist, and Jay, you and I are gonna unpack this, 'cause it's sad why everybody resists it.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. MRMel Robbins
  It has to do with the dust that's accumulated. And I will tell you, after a year of practicing this, I don't even see a face or a body. I see a soul.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. MRMel Robbins
  I don't even have to high five myself. I still do, 'cause it feels good, and we're gonna explain the science-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
12. MRMel Robbins
  ... that is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who tries it, 'cause this is not something that's new You are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and body-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
14. MRMel Robbins
  ... and now directing it back at yourself.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
16. MRMel Robbins
  It's incredible. I don't ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong. I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love and respect, and I know that it's my job to give it to her. You know, The 5 Second Rule, which I created, I don't know, over a decade ago, that's gone on to help me change my whole life, it's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that you can use to help yourself take the actions and change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me be more productive. It helped me get stuff done. The High 5 Habit has changed who I am. It has deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind, and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's supportive and a cheerleader.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. MRMel Robbins
  It's extraordinary.
19. JSJay Shetty
  That's so beautiful to hear, because I think so often we like to oscillate from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing themselves, and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity movement of, "Well, just tell yourself you're amazing-"
20. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
21. JSJay Shetty
  "... and tell yourself you're incredible." And, and to me, that doesn't always work either, because we-
22. MRMel Robbins
  It doesn't work
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... we struggle to say it with feeling and meaning and belief. But what I love about what you're sharing with The High 5 Habit is that it's actually looking at, "No, you're trying."
24. MRMel Robbins
  Yes.
25. JSJay Shetty
  "Let me s- be supportive. Let me be encouraging. Let me use my words to notice that which I want to grow and work on, but I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection."
26. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Both of which are unreal.
28. MRMel Robbins
  Well, and here's the extraordinary thing. You don't have to say a word. You don't have to say a word. Like, one of the reasons why mantras don't work for so many people is you choose something you don't believe.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. MRMel Robbins
  And so as you stand before a mirror or you say it to yourself after a lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, "Yep, no, we don't believe that."
8:38 – 13:26
How Covid brought many lives on a standstill
1. MRMel Robbins
  You know, I think we all have that moment when we knew that COVID was going to change your life forever. When was that moment for you?
2. JSJay Shetty
  I was one of the optimistic ones. When it first happened, I was like, "Ah, the world's gonna deal with this in, like, a month or maybe three months." And so I think it was about three months in-
3. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
4. JSJay Shetty
  ... where I was like, "Okay, I have no idea how this is going, and this is not what I expected." So I'd say about three months in. I'd say probably around that June time. June 2020.
5. MRMel Robbins
  Got it.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
7. MRMel Robbins
  Well, for me, it happened on a Wednesday in March of 2020. I was-
8. JSJay Shetty
  Early.
9. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, early. 'Cause I was taping my daytime talk show-
10. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
11. MRMel Robbins
  ... at CBS Broadcast Center, and they walked in and said they had found it in the building, and within five minutes we had to evacuate. Show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. I'm driving home, uh, to Boston, Massachusetts, which is where my husband and I have raised our kids. I see New York City disappearing in the skyline. Phone rings. It's our daughter who's studying abroad for college, and they're shutting down the borders. Then the other daughter, they're closing down the university here in California. We all get home, and speech after speech after speech gets canceled. And then a publisher I'd been working with on a totally different book concept cancels that contract, and now I've gotta give money back that I've already spent. There's no PPP loans yet. I have no idea how I'm gonna make payroll. My kids are in a complete state of crisis and breakdown because their lives are now just imploding before their eyes. I'm worried about the world. I'm worried about frontline workers, and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. And I wake up one morning in April, and it's a very familiar feeling. This is not a book about the pandemic. This is a book about how you pick yourself up when you feel like you just don't know how to face your life. So I woke up that morning, and I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. I felt exhausted. I used the 5 Second Rule, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, to get out of bed. I make the bed so I don't crawl back into it, and I go to the bathroom. And I'm standing there in the bathroom, and I'm brushing my teeth. And as I'm brushing my teeth, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I think, "Oh my God, you look like hell." And then my mind started to criticize the woman in the mirror, the dark circles under her eyes, the saggy neck. One breast is hanging lower than the other. Just the beat down begins. And then, of course, once you go there, you teach this, your mind is just gonna keep on taking you down. And so it became, "Why did you get up so late?" And, "You got a Zoom call in eight minutes, and you haven't even walked the dog." And you know what's interesting about this moment, Jay? If you had walked in the bathroom in that moment, I would've been able to turn on a dime. I would've said, "Jay, I know. It's a lot. You don't deserve this. But if anybody can handle this, you can. I, I, I know you can." I would've lifted you up, like, just it would've been ef- effortless. But standing there alone in my underwear in my own bathroom, I, I couldn't think of anything to say. And in fact, here's the thing. I don't think I would've believed it because of what you just said. It didn't match how I was feeling. Now, I don't know what came over me, because it sounds ridiculous. I've never done this before, but I suddenly found myself raising my hand and high-fiving that woman I saw in the mirror because she needed it. And here's the thing, it's not like lightning struck, right? You know, it's not like-
12. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
13. MRMel Robbins
  ... the heavens parted and angels are like, "Ah, life is perfect."
14. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
15. MRMel Robbins
  That's not what happened. The dog still needed to be walked, I still had endless things, I was still worried, but something in me shifted. It was weird, and it was kind of this thing, 'cause I thought a lot about this moment. It's like my shoulders dropped and my chin lifted, and I didn't even th- like, say anything positive. It's like there was this energy flip, and the energy felt a little bit more, not very Jay Shetty, more kinda Mel Robbins.
16. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
17. MRMel Robbins
  "Oh, come on. Get out there. Stop c- complaining. Get yourself out. Come on, you can do this." Like, it was sort of that, sort of, "All right, here we go." But it was the second morning. The second morning is when everything changed. I wake up, same problems, same overwhelm, exhausted, defeated, tired. Five, four, three, two, one. I get out of bed. I make the bed. I start walking to the bathroom, and Jay, I noticed that I was feeling something I had never felt in my entire life, and it was this.
13:26 – 15:46
The excitement of seeing yourself for the first time
1. MRMel Robbins
  You know when you're about to meet a friend, somebody you really like, at a cafe, you're gonna go have a cup of tea, what do you feel right before you walk in the door?
2. JSJay Shetty
  Excitement, enthusiasm, energy, joy, uh, positive nervousness, like that, that, that kind of like, uh, yeah, butterflies even, in a, in a positive sense.
3. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah. So at this moment, I was 51 years old. In 51 years of being alive, I don't ever remember feeling that feeling about seeing myself.
4. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
5. MRMel Robbins
  For the first time in my life, I had this sensation that I was excited to see the human being Mel Robbins.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
7. MRMel Robbins
  Now, I've been excited to see an outfit or excited to see a haircut. I have never been excited to see the person.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
9. MRMel Robbins
  And so I round the corner, and this sense of how profound this is is hitting me, and I'm standing there brushing my teeth, and I realize something really wild. There are always two of you in the bathroom together. There's you, and there is a human being in the mirror, a person who needs you, a person who has been waiting for you to wake up and realize they are there, and they need you to see them and to hear them and to love them and to support them. And so what's interesting, 'cause you brought up morning routines, right, is that we all talk about the importance of setting our day up because it's how it ends up. We talk about gratitude and meditation, and we know the extraordinary benefits of it. But I don't think anybody has truly amplified the fact that there is this dirty habit that we all have every single morning that is a part of your morning routine unless you have weeded this out, and it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating the heck out of yourself every single morning in the mirror. I mean, 91% of women don't like how they look. 50% of us can't even look at ourselves in the mirror.
10. JSJay Shetty
  That's what I was about to say, that eye contact, I think there's such a struggle, what you just rightly said. It's not just that we beat ourselves up or criticize. We can't even look at ourselves. How,
15:46 – 22:50
How to get into the High 5 habit
1. JSJay Shetty
  how does, how does The High 5 Habit help us get that?
2. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, it's incredible.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, I wanna-
4. MRMel Robbins
  It's absolutely incredible.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, I wanna move... Let's, let's talk about the habit so then we can break it down.
6. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, yeah.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Let's... Because I know-
8. MRMel Robbins
  Okay
9. JSJay Shetty
  ... part of it is practicing in the bathroom-
10. MRMel Robbins
  Yes, yes, yes
11. JSJay Shetty
  ... and a part of it is looking in the mirror. So let's break it down so that then we-
12. MRMel Robbins
  Okay. So here's what you're gonna feel.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. MRMel Robbins
  When you do it, it's very simple. You're gonna look at yourself in the mirror, and you're gonna leverage some research out of Harvard.
15. JSJay Shetty
  We'll talk about that, too, yeah.
16. MRMel Robbins
  Okay.
17. JSJay Shetty
  I wanna dive into that.
18. MRMel Robbins
  So you're basically just gonna look at yourself in the mirror, and you're gonna ask yourself, "What does that human being need from me today? How can I show up for him or her or they? How do I do that today? Kindness? Do I need to be more courageous or bold?" You kinda set this intention-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
20. MRMel Robbins
  ... for yourself, and then you're simply gonna raise your hand, and you're gonna high-five yourself. Now, a couple things I want you to expect. Number one: it will feel weird, period. It feels weird for everybody because it is the opposite of what you're doing right now, and so your brain is going to reject it as odd. Number two: you're either going to have one of two reactions. That's it. There's no middle ground. You will either have a very profound positive experience where you're gonna laugh, probably 'cause it kinda feels good and it's kinda silly, or you're gonna burst into tears in a positive way, because it's a release that you have finally woken up and started supporting yourself. You just got it, and that's where the tears come from. But more likely, although maybe not for you, because you're a fan of this podcast, but more likely, you will feel resistance, and the resistance is the dust on the mirror.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
22. MRMel Robbins
  Every single morning, Jay, we bring with us our entire past. Whatever's been done to you, whether it's trauma or discrimination or abuse or neglect or abandonment, it is standing between you and the mirror. It's the dust, and you see that dust and you say, "That means that I am not worthy. I am not lovable." So you see a human being that's distorted, and you say to yourself, "Because of what's happened, I don't deserve a high five." Or if you're a human being, you've done a ton of stuff that you regret, and so all the things that wish you could change, that you would forgive Jay or you'd forgive Mel Robbins for, you cannot forgive yourself. It's more dust. And so you stand there and you say, "Because of all that stuff that I did, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable or I'm this or I'm that," and that dust keeps you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebration. Or another form of the dust, which is the resistance, is that you actually believe- That you do not deserve to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank account or the number on the scale, or you drive in the car, or live in the neighborhood, or your hair is less kinky, or you're this, or you're that. And so you withhold the very support and celebration that you need in order to change your life from you because you haven't done it yet.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
24. MRMel Robbins
  That's where the resistance comes from.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
26. MRMel Robbins
  And so I'm here to say you gotta try this for five days, 'cause it's gonna feel weird, you're gonna resist it. And what's gonna happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand, and this is where the science gets amazing, as you raise your hand, Jay, you will go from thinking this is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence, and this is explained by science. There is a field of study called neurobics. Neurobics is a word that I did not event- invent. It is aerobic or physical movement with new neural pathway development. And research has shown that when you use neurobics, it is the fastest way to form new neural pathways. So the way that you do it is you take an unexpected physical movement, like high-fiving yourself, something you've never done, and you marry it with a thought. Now, here's where things get crazy cool. You've been high-fiving people your whole life. You've been receiving high-fives your whole life. So Jay, when you high-five somebody, what are you communicating through the gesture?
27. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, a feeling of connectedness, a feeling of support, a feeling of I'm congratulating you or celebrating you, a feeling of you've got this. Like, that kind of feeling.
28. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, completely. All of it is programmed in your subconscious brain.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
30. MRMel Robbins
  When you go to raise your hand to high-five somebody, I can never high-five Jay and go, "You're a jerk"
22:50 – 26:49
Gestures that are symbols of trust and partnership
1. JSJay Shetty
  What, what you're just saying now, what you just said about everything Dr. Daniel Amen told, told you, those are massive responses to a really simple action. I mean, just raising your hand to just high-fiving. And so I feel like you do that beautifully.
2. MRMel Robbins
  Thank you.
3. JSJay Shetty
  You, you really have this art in simplifying things into seconds worth of advice. A- and what I love about that is that's why our brain has less excuses.
4. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
5. JSJay Shetty
  Because if it's like, if you're like, "Jay, I really need you to take out, like, 20 minutes of your day-
6. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah
7. JSJay Shetty
  ... to do this new thing," everyone goes, "Where am I gonna find 20 minutes?" You're literally talking about, again, five seconds.
8. MRMel Robbins
  Yes.
9. JSJay Shetty
  And how long does it take to high-five yourself in the mirror?
10. MRMel Robbins
  Even less probably.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. MRMel Robbins
  And you don't have to say anything, you don't have to feel anything, you just have to do it, and what's already programmed in your body, it does. You're right. It's such a beautiful-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Light switch
14. MRMel Robbins
  ... light switch. It flips it on for you.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. MRMel Robbins
  And I want you to do it right after you brush your teeth, because you gotta get that crap out of your mouth-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
18. MRMel Robbins
  ... so you don't spread the dragon breath on everybody. Let's get the crap and the dust off the mirror-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
20. MRMel Robbins
  ... so you're not spreading that negativity throughout your day-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
22. MRMel Robbins
  ... and you're walking into your day feeling like you have your own back, and feeling that life force that you were born with, and being reminded that, yeah, life may be hard. Yeah, I may have screwed things up, but I know I'm still here trying-
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
24. MRMel Robbins
  ... and I deserve to feel supported, and so I'm gonna tap into this to send myself out into the game.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
26. MRMel Robbins
  You know, one of the really cool studies, I'm sure you love the study about the NBA teams.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
28. MRMel Robbins
  I know you've talked about this yourself. This is both common sense and science. How does your favorite sports team begin the game? By high-fiving each other to send yourself out into the game. But when researchers actually studied- NBA teams, they could predict who's gonna be the most successful teams at the end of the season and who's gonna be at the bottom of the league based on one characteristic at the beginning of the season in the preseason, and that is how many times does the team in the preseason do fist bumps, high fives, or pats on the back? And what they found is it's the teams that do that the most in the beginning have the winningest record, and the reas- the question is why. Well, the reason why is these gestures are more than gestures.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. MRMel Robbins
  They are symbols of trust and partnership. They build momentum. And so many of us are struggling in life with people pleasing and guilt and all of these emotions because we have broken that partnership with ourselves.
26:49 – 29:31
Your mood in the morning impacts your confidence and productivity
1. JSJay Shetty
  Tell me about what this does for the rest of the day. What is the knock-on effect of doing something like this in the morning? Because what my head's going to right now is in this moment, you are choosing to high five instead of beat yourself. That's to me what you're teaching people to do.
2. MRMel Robbins
  Yes.
3. JSJay Shetty
  You're training people to choose, make a choice, that is going to transfer into every choice they have to make throughout the day. So now when their boss says to them, "Hey, you haven't done this. You haven't done that. You haven't done this," how's it gonna impact? Talk to me about that and what you saw with the-
4. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, this is absolutely-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
6. MRMel Robbins
  ... awesome. So kind of from a, just sort of the way that people talk about it, this is both what I've experienced and what our audience is constantly, uh, writing to us, about, and by the way, this is without even having a book out yet.
7. JSJay Shetty
  I know. [laughs]
8. MRMel Robbins
  This is simply from having people and convincing people around the world to try it.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. MRMel Robbins
  Everybody says, "It's weird, but I gotta hand it to you, Mel. This pivots my day and sends it in an entirely different trajectory."
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
12. MRMel Robbins
  You know, you talk about it all the time, your mood in the morning impacts your confidence and your productivity all day.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. MRMel Robbins
  We know that research from Harvard tells us that when you get intentional about how you're gonna show up, it not only boosts your productivity and your confidence and your focus, it also changes your ability to make an impact with people. We also know all the research around what's called emotional contagion. When they did... I didn't even write about this in the book, but when you separate, uh, leaders into two groups and you show one group, a leader, you know, very stressful videos for 20 minutes that make you feel agitated or bummed out, and you throw another group all these videos with puppies and kittens and Jay Shetty content that's amazing, the leaders that go in to their teams-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
16. MRMel Robbins
  ... within 10 minutes, the teams feel exactly either the negative agitation or the positive agitation.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
18. MRMel Robbins
  But it goes even deeper. So the High 5 Habit in the Mirror, Jay, it's just the Trojan horse.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Of course.
20. MRMel Robbins
  There are dozens of tools in this, and we go deep into something you talk about all the time, the reticular activity system, which is the filter in your brain that in real time, I think about it, this is not an elegant way to describe it, I think about it like an electronic hair net that sits on your brain. And in real time, this sucker is changing. We've all experienced its, its effect when we've shopped for a house or a car. The second you start shopping for your first car, what happens? You start seeing those cars that you're looking for everywhere.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm. Everywhere, yeah.
22. MRMel Robbins
  Everywhere. That is what, that's your RAS.
29:31 – 34:00
The bouncer in your brain
1. MRMel Robbins
  You have a bouncer in your brain that has a massive job, and the job of your bouncer in your brain is to decide what gets into the prefrontal cortex, what passes through. There's only four things, Jay, that actually get through automatically. Your name. We've all experienced it. Oh, did they say Jay? Number two-
2. JSJay Shetty
  That happened to me this morning.
3. MRMel Robbins
  Really?
4. JSJay Shetty
  I heard a random person, I think, shout my name out, so I was looking around. I couldn't find-
5. MRMel Robbins
  Well, that's the bouncer in your brain.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
7. MRMel Robbins
  It let it in.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
9. MRMel Robbins
  And there were a bazillion other sounds, by the way, that you didn't hear because the bouncer in your brain-
10. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
11. MRMel Robbins
  ... blocked them out.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
13. MRMel Robbins
  The second thing is any immediate threat. So, like, if you hear a loud noise, you'll kinda, like, duck, but there are loud noises all day that don't make you do that because the bouncer in your brain is blocking it out. The third one, and this can be tricky for relationships, I know you're writing a book about this, so this, this is any sign that you think your partner might be interested in sex with you or somebody else. You know, this is that jealousy, the, "Hey, are you looking at somebody?"
14. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
15. MRMel Robbins
  And then the fourth one, and this is where the treasure is, this is everything. Your brain filters the world based on what you tell it is important to you.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
17. MRMel Robbins
  So when you're shopping for a new car, you suddenly say to your RAS, "This is important to me."
18. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
19. MRMel Robbins
  And it lets in imagery of the car. This works in positive and negative ways. Trauma is an example of how your filter gets trained by a very negative event. It becomes very important because your nervous system responded to it, so your brain records as much as it can to try to protect you.
20. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
21. MRMel Robbins
  A positive way is by saying something that you talk about, the writing out of your goals, the having visual and environmental triggers that keep these things front of mind. These are ways to train your brain for a positive effect. So one of the things that happens when you start to high five yourself, and why it goes so much deeper even than the boost and the, the partnership, is that what happens is you're now tapping into an entire field of research called behavioral activation therapy. You talk about it a lot. You know all the science. If you don't know it, there's a very simple way to talk about it. It's called act like the person you want to become.
22. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
23. MRMel Robbins
  And the reason why this is so important is we know thinking alone won't get you to change. You actually have to take the actions that change everything. And one of the reasons why high-fiving yourself is such a powerful action is the bouncer in your brain, the RAS, it's paying attention. When it suddenly sees you stop the beat down and it sees you act differently, it sees you acting like somebody who actually cares about you, who celebrates you, and who sees the high five, it will switch in real time and start to see the world in a way that reflects back the fact that you deserve love and support.
24. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
25. MRMel Robbins
  So the more that you act like somebody who loves and supports and believes in themselves by high-fiving th- themselves, the more your brain changes and the more your reality changes. Now, to your point with toxic positivity, does it change the very real issues people face? Of course not. It does not change the fact that there's discrimination and poverty and trauma and very real obstacles that you may be facing right now. What it changes is you-
26. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
27. MRMel Robbins
  ... and your ability to face those things, and your resilience and your belief that through your attitude and your actions, you can make a positive difference in those things.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Yeah. What I love about you, what you just said is that we're all going to face pain and discomfort regardless.
29. MRMel Robbins
  Mm-hmm.
30. JSJay Shetty
  The only choice we have is are you going to face pain and discomfort with the feeling of supporting yourself, or are you going to f- face pain and discomfort with the feeling of condemning yourself, right?
34:00 – 40:43
How to be kind to yourself
1. MRMel Robbins
  Right.
2. JSJay Shetty
  Tell, let's talk about what are the key aspects, you talk about this so much in the book, and I do believe this is at the heart of The High 5 Habit and also just the heart of what you're sharing in this book. What are the key principles of how someone deals with themselves when they love themselves, when they care for themselves? What are those key tenets, those, those key values that we can draw ourselves to and measure against and say, "Am I doing that for myself?"
3. MRMel Robbins
  Mm.
4. JSJay Shetty
  Am, does that make sense? Like-
5. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, yeah
6. JSJay Shetty
  ... am I, am I creating that for myself? Because I feel like we know, like we always say, and, and some of this is similar, but we always say, "Oh, if, if your child's g-," and you know, you have children going off to make friends at school. We always say, "Well, be kind. Ask th-" You know, you share advice, but we've never been told how to have a relationship with ourself. What are the key principles to having a positive relationship with yourself?
7. MRMel Robbins
  It's a fabulous question. So I think at the heart of it are two foundational habits that you need, and one you already mentioned. It's being kind to yourself.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
9. MRMel Robbins
  It's really that simple, and I know you know the study that they did i- in the UK where they looked at every possible behavior change that you could do in life. And w- whether it was changing in diet, meditation, exercise, relationship changes, all of it, the one change that has the biggest impact on fulfillment and happiness is being kind to yourself.
10. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
11. MRMel Robbins
  And it's the one change we practice the least because I don't think we know how.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, I don't, how do, yeah, how do we be kind to ourselves?
13. MRMel Robbins
  Well, number one, stop the beat down in the mirror. And despite the fact that it might feel weird or you're gonna resist it or you got a lot of dust, oh boy, we got to wipe it away. Woo, it's more like mud. It's a lot like dust.
14. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
15. MRMel Robbins
  Jay has dust.
16. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
17. MRMel Robbins
  The rest of us are caked with mud. Gotta get some elbow grease in there.
18. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
19. MRMel Robbins
  Uh, the High 5 Habit every day is wiping that away, okay? That's number one.
20. JSJay Shetty
  I love that.
21. MRMel Robbins
  Number two, when you catch yourself in the what if loop or the beat down, use the five second rule, count backwards five, four, three, two, one, interrupt it, and start just interrupting it because you don't have to listen to it. You can't always control when it pops up, but you can start to create distance from it. Meditation obviously helps with that, but in terms of the f- hand-to-fist combat with your own brain, I prefer punch back, five, four, three, two, one, and then I literally go, "I'm not thinking about that." Another strategy that you can use as you're doing the hand-to-hand combat with your own brain is come up with like an avatar for this negative voice, okay? And make it really good. Like when our son was really profoundly struggling with anxiety, he's 16 now, he started to call that worry wart in his head that was beating him up Oliver, and he looked like this big, pimply bully of a kid that was out of the Diary of the Wimpy Kid, and he would literally say when he was nine years old "Shut up, Oliver. Like, you're not invited to sleep." Like, he would literally talk to it.
22. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
23. MRMel Robbins
  And it sounds like you're giving-
24. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
25. MRMel Robbins
  ... your kid multiple personalities. That's not actually what's happening. You're leveraging objectivity, so you separate yourself-
26. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
27. MRMel Robbins
  ... from the voice that's talking to you.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
29. MRMel Robbins
  Um, another thing that you can do, I love this for worrying. Oh, this is a genius, to steal your word, uh, move. When you catch yourself doing the what ifs, because we know there's two forms of worrying, right? There's the type of worrying that just destroys you, that's destructive worrying, where you just ruminate, what if, what if, what if. Then there's the positive form of worrying, which is productive, 'cause it, it motivates you to change. When you get stuck in the what if, what if, what if, interrupt it with this: five, four, three, two, one, and then go, "What if it all works out? What if this turns out to be one of the hardest things I do, but the best decision I've ever made?"
30. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
40:43 – 47:16
The research on the snooze button
1. MRMel Robbins
  and fulfillment, it's not when you get up, it's how you get up.
2. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
3. MRMel Robbins
  And there's all this crazy research. Like, I'm not some sort of like psycho about the alarm clock or the snooze button. I personally love sleeping in, but I also know that as somebody that's struggled with anxiety for three decades, lying in bed in the morning or at night is the worst place I can be.
4. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely.
5. MRMel Robbins
  That is where the anxiety can pin you down like a gravity blanket. And so understanding that the habit of hitting the snooze button has a detrimental impact on your productivity all day. Because what happens is when you wake up, your brain is typically ready to wake up. When you drift back to sleep after hitting the snooze button, your brain drifts back into a sleep cycle, which based on research takes about 75 minutes to complete. When the alarm goes off nine minutes later, your brain is now trapped in a sleep cycle, and researchers say it takes you about four hours to snap out of what they call sleep inertia. That impacts your productivity all day long. And so you're complaining that, "I didn't get enough sleep," and you feel groggy. No, you actually got plenty of sleep. You screwed yourself over by hitting the snooze button.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
7. MRMel Robbins
  And now your prefrontal cortex can't snap back into operation until you're ready to go.
8. JSJay Shetty
  And what to speak about emotionally, which is what you were talking about earlier, about you've broken your trust with yourself, and that's why when we set these unrealistic targets, "Oh, I'm gonna wake up at 5:00 AM tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up at 6:00," whatever it is that's unrealistic for you, and then you hit the snooze button four times-
9. MRMel Robbins
  Yep
10. JSJay Shetty
  ... and you wake up at the time you would've woken up at anyway-
11. MRMel Robbins
  Yep
12. JSJay Shetty
  ... that's just made you lose faith in yourself over nothing, right?
13. MRMel Robbins
  Totally.
14. JSJay Shetty
  And that's the problem.
15. MRMel Robbins
  Totally. See, I, I'm kinda one of these people that I sorta like lame goals, 'cause I want you to win. You know? I'm, I'm just asking for a High Five in the mirror. I'm just asking that you roll out of bed, five, four, three, two, one. Here's another wonderful one. Make your bed.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
17. MRMel Robbins
  And here's why. Not because I need you to be a Navy SEAL, but because when you literally... And I'm not even talking pop a quarter off of it. I'm talking throw the blanket across, karate chop a pillow, throw a throw on a diagonal, we're done here-
18. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
19. MRMel Robbins
  ... kinda thing. Here's why. Number one, it's a beautiful gift you can give to yourself.
20. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
21. MRMel Robbins
  Because as you walk back into your room It's done
22. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
23. MRMel Robbins
  You don't see a mess. Your brain sees a person that actually is kind to themselves and follows through on things.
24. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
25. MRMel Robbins
  Tonight when you lay down to dream, you have a nice place to come back to.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
27. MRMel Robbins
  And this is what I'm talking about with lame, lame goals, and what I call simple discipline. Simple discipline is roll out of bed when the alarm rings.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
29. MRMel Robbins
  Simple discipline is make your bed. Simple discipline, I'm even gonna make exercise easy. You wanna hear?
30. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, [laughs] go for it. Yeah, yeah.
47:16 – 53:28
Outsourcing love and validation to outside things
1. JSJay Shetty
  Did you find that, or have you always found time for yourself to celebrate your wins and your successes? I'm just asking on a personal level.
2. MRMel Robbins
  Uh, the honest answer is that I think it wasn't until I discovered the High 5 habit-
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
4. MRMel Robbins
  ... that I profoundly realized how much self-hatred I was dealing with.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. MRMel Robbins
  And-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Despite everything else, yeah.
8. MRMel Robbins
  Well, and this, I think, is a really big piece of the power of this, especially if you're somebody who's achievement oriented, and everybody that listens to this podcast feels a big calling and wants to do more in the world and make a bigger difference and a bigger impact. There's a real danger that's very common, Jay, that you start to marry or you've always married being worthy or lovable with what you're doing-
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
10. MRMel Robbins
  ... and what you're achieving. And it works both ways in terms of if you're, don't have the number on the scale, it means, again, the dust on the mirror. You're not worthy because you haven't achieved it yet.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
12. MRMel Robbins
  And for those of us that have achieved some things that we've set out to do, what happens is you find that as soon as you achieve the thing, you actually need to do something else.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Bigger, better.
14. MRMel Robbins
  Bigger, better, because it was a thing that you achieved that made you lovable or worthy. And the real trick, and this is everything, is being able to know and feel in your bones that you are lovable and worthy just because you're breathing.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
16. MRMel Robbins
  And that was a huge breakthrough for me.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. MRMel Robbins
  And so no, I never celebrated, because I think I was so married to this idea that if, unless I'm doing or winning or achieving... And, and it happens so subtly when you're little because you start to get so much positive praise when you get a good grade or when you do something at school or when you make your mates laugh or whatever it might be, that you start to go, "Oh- That's what love feels like. Oh, if I do that. And so you outsource love and validation to outside things.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
20. MRMel Robbins
  And I'm here to tell you, we all gotta learn how to bring it back home-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
22. MRMel Robbins
  ... and anchor the validation and love that you need where you are right now every single day.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
24. MRMel Robbins
  And it's only in discovering this that I had to confront just how much I was beating myself up, just how much I was tearing myself down, and how I was chasing these things, because what I actually wanted was to feel loved.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
26. MRMel Robbins
  Like, if you ask yourself, okay, great, you wanna make a million dollars. Why? There's a feeling that you're looking for from that.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
28. MRMel Robbins
  And if you can start to work on bringing that feeling into your day-to-day life for yourself-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
30. MRMel Robbins
  ... it changes the way that you go about achieving things. Like, I didn't even enjoy half the stuff that I did because I was constantly maniacally focused on the things that weren't working, rather than the hundred things that were.
53:28 – 57:14
It’s only when you love yourself that you can let others love you
1. JSJay Shetty
  and achieve.
2. MRMel Robbins
  Yes, and here's, here's now an even bigger thing.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Please.
4. MRMel Robbins
  You already do this, but as you're listening to Jay and I, I want you to actually grasp how profound it would be if you could feel that way about yourself.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. MRMel Robbins
  If you could always just look in the mirror and see a human being that's trying, and that's worthy of a high five, and a human being that failed, and okay, we're gonna brush it off, and that's worthy of a high five, somebody who is running the marathon of life that you're going to celebrate every step of the way. And you know, I also wanna take this and flip this in the opposite because I think this is where people really get mucked up. This happened in my own marriage, and it's only a recent discovery between Chris and I, and that is that we had the opposite thing happen, Jay. So when Chris and his best friend went into the restaurant business and they poured seven years into it and gave it their go, and at the end of the day, they sold it, you know, for pennies on the dollar to the next investor, and they did not return the profit that they had hoped they would return to their investors. Now, what was interesting about watching this all go down is that our best friend, who was Chris' partner, was able to leave the experience and go, "Okay, entrepreneurship, I'm so proud of us. We put in so much work. We built something amazing. We had an incredible brand. We'd... We're incredible leaders." Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Did we return the profit? No, but that's not everything in life.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
8. MRMel Robbins
  And he moved on. My husband could not. He literally said, "Because I didn't achieve, because I failed, I am a failure who is not worthy of love." And for seven years, he has walked into a bathroom with the dust that has said, "I am a failure And so as you have been looking for, "Why doesn't she love me more?" Somebody who fails goes, "How can you still love me?"
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
10. MRMel Robbins
  And it's only until, it doesn't matter how much I love the guy, doesn't matter how much I build him up and, you know, I'm so proud of everything that he's done and all the stuff that Chris is doing, and he's had a massive breakthrough in this, and part of it is through The High 5 Habit, because of the resistance. But I can't do that. Look at, look at the failure that I've been.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
12. MRMel Robbins
  If you don't love yourself, you won't allow somebody else to love you.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. MRMel Robbins
  And so when you can separate what you're doing from your soul and your intention and your spirit and your humanity, and you can stand with yourself every morning, and that high five doesn't necessarily become celebration, it becomes acceptance.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
16. MRMel Robbins
  And it becomes compassion, and it becomes acknowledgement, and then it becomes slowly celebration and momentum and forward energy that you need when life drags you down.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
18. MRMel Robbins
  And so it's really a profound point you just made, that it's only when you love yourself for breathing, for living, for being, just as you are, that, that level of acceptance that we so want from everybody else, and I'm telling you, you have an opportunity to do it for yourself by keeping your promises, by being kind to yourself, by standing before yourself and seeing a human being who needs you and who loves you and who's gonna be with you your whole life.
19. JSJay Shetty
  That's beautiful. It's amazing. Just, just sitting there listening to you talk about that, and when I'm thinking about what you said with Chris, we, we recently celebrated your 25th-
20. MRMel Robbins
  25th wedding anniversary [laughs]
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... wedding anniversary, which is incredible. Congratulations.
22. MRMel Robbins
  Thank you.
23. JSJay Shetty
  I mean, that's goals.
24. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, yeah.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Like, so me and my wife, we've been married, what, five, together for eight.
26. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah.
27. JSJay Shetty
  When I hear you're 25, I'm like, "Share all the wisdom. Give it to me." Uh,
57:14 – 1:00:34
It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy
1. JSJay Shetty
  tell me about what it's been like learning from each other-
2. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... especially seeing as your job is teaching.
4. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah.
5. JSJay Shetty
  It's coaching. It's working with CEOs and organizations and people, and of course, millions of people online, but you're working with so many companies as well.
6. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah.
7. JSJay Shetty
  How has it been for him and for you to learn from each other? Has that been easy? Has that been harder? When you talk about the seven years and you're saying that broke partly through The High 5 Habit for him, I love hearing that because that makes me go, "Yes," like not only does this work for everyone, it works for the people closest to you, which-
8. MRMel Robbins
  Yes
9. JSJay Shetty
  ... which says so much. Can you tell us a bit about-
10. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah
11. JSJay Shetty
  ... that?
12. MRMel Robbins
  Well, you know, and also, uh, you know, to Chris's credit-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
14. MRMel Robbins
  ... he also got into therapy, and you know, we-
15. JSJay Shetty
  He did the work, yeah
16. MRMel Robbins
  ... he did the work.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
18. MRMel Robbins
  He, and he started a men's retreat-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
20. MRMel Robbins
  ... to help other men, called Soul Degree-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
22. MRMel Robbins
  ... to do the work. And we've done a lot of work together, which I think is really important. It's so important to do work on yourself, because it's not your partner's job to make you happy.
23. JSJay Shetty
  No.
24. MRMel Robbins
  It's your job to figure out how to bring the happiest and healthiest and kindest you-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
26. MRMel Robbins
  ... into the relationship.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
28. MRMel Robbins
  Because when you can do that, you can build a, a, like a, a, a nurturing crucible, if that's even the right word, where you... I- is that the right word? I don't even know what... You can build like a pot. I don't know.
29. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
30. MRMel Robbins
  That, but t- that sounds very unglamorous, but we camp a lot. Um, you know, I think the hardest thing, and it took me a long time, was realizing that the most important thing in a relationship, if you want it to go the distance, is being kind and actually staying interested in the other person's experience and point of view.
1:00:34 – 1:04:22
Leave room for each other to grow
1. JSJay Shetty
  And, you know-
2. MRMel Robbins
  Well, you know, Jay, I think one of the other things that has been fascinating is you've got to leave room for each other to grow.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
4. MRMel Robbins
  So we've also gone through tremendous evolutions as a couple where, uh, you know, for a while we were both working, and we were sort of 50/50 in terms of what we earned, and then Chris started to out-earn me, and then I kind of took the second role, and then next thing you know, he's going into entrepreneurship, and I'm sort of growing in the corporate market. Next thing you know, we find ourselves financially imploding, $800,000 in debt, horrible experience 12 years ago, about to lose everything, and what was interesting is it was that crisis that flipped us into the right roles.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
6. MRMel Robbins
  Chris, as you met, his name's Christopher Robbins. He's like the world's most nurturing man, you know? Winnie-the-Pooh's owner, for crying out loud. He doesn't care- About money-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
8. MRMel Robbins
  ... and building things and fancy stuff. He would live in a yurt if I would want to. I do not.
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. MRMel Robbins
  Did you hear that, Chris? I do not. Um, it was through that that I discovered my own ambition.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. MRMel Robbins
  That I actually do care about building things. I do wanna go out and play that game in business. I fricking love it. And it happened at the perfect time, because it was at the moment when we had kids in middle school, and they needed somebody more nurturing than me to be home.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. MRMel Robbins
  And they needed somebody. And so our kids have had the greatest gift, because they've seen our partnership evolve. They've seen a dad that stayed home for a while. They've seen a mom off in the world building something. And the biggest message is that you're only going to stay together if you continue to talk.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. MRMel Robbins
  One of the things that our therapist has said to us that I think about all the time, so steal this. It's really easy when you get along to do the logistics and transactions of life, but you can start to find yourself very sequestered from each other, but together and in roles, but never going deeper. And so I think when you notice that either you're not growing or your partner's not growing, that's when it's-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
18. MRMel Robbins
  ... really important to start turning toward one another.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. That's so true. That's so true. I've always said, like, for me right now, watching Radhi grow is, like, my favorite thing in the world, because she's almost just in the last 18 months really discovered her purpose. She's always been very skilled and talented and had lots of strengths, but it was in this last 18 months that I saw her really embrace herself, high-five herself.
20. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Like, she really got to that point where-
22. MRMel Robbins
  She has high-five energy
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... she, yeah, high-fived herself and, and to really claim that and own that, and it's the most fun thing seeing your partner find that. And I was like-
24. MRMel Robbins
  Yes
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... "We're gonna clear up your whole schedule so you can just do that, because I see that that momentum's coming for you." And I think often what it is, and, and you talk about this, I have a few more questions I want to ask you, but it's this idea of often even in our partners, you talk about jealousy in chapter eight. You talk about a chapter which you call Why Is Life So Easy For Them And Not For Me?
26. MRMel Robbins
  Mm-hmm.
27. JSJay Shetty
  And I've noticed that this sometimes can even creep... I want to talk about it broadly, but it can also creep into our own marriage and relationships-
28. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, for sure
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... where people think, "Oh, well, I d-", and, and, uh, you know, there's, there's pros and cons to this. So obviously in our life, I was the one who, who built my p- purpose and career, and Radhi was building her skills and her strengths. And it's so easy to get caught up in the mindset of, "Well, I didn't have someone who was gonna help me out when I started out," because I didn't. Uh, and you can even have that in your own relationship, and it can be so poisonous and toxic in your own relationship. But you also talk about how jealousy can be used as a tool.
30. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, yeah.
1:04:22 – 1:09:56
Jealousy is not hatred, it’s desire
1. JSJay Shetty
  when you're feeling, how do you use that as a tool?
2. MRMel Robbins
  Okay. So I love that you asked this, 'cause this is a powerful tool. First of all, we all misunderstand jealousy.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
4. MRMel Robbins
  You think jealousy is hatred. That's not what it is at all. Jealousy is desire.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
6. MRMel Robbins
  That's all that it is. And when it starts to bubble up and consume you, and it used to consume me like crazy. I used to be just like that person that you were talking about, Jay. Jealous of everybody. "Jay, I hate Jay. Jay has a podcast. Oh, for c- I hate Jay. Jay's been at this longer than... Look at all those followers that Jay has. Oh, of course, he lives in LA. Of course, he's got a sort..." Like, I mean, I could just-
7. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
8. MRMel Robbins
  ... woo, spin at all. But here's the thing. This is the coolest part about jealousy. You ready? You cannot be jealous of someone or something that you don't truly desire. I'm not the least bit jealous of somebody who has the most extraordinary apartment in New York City. I don't want to live there. It's not meant for me. Jealousy is a clue. It's a directional signal. It's a dot on the map of your life, and the desire is blocked by fear or comparison or insecurity or stress or whatever. And so when you start to recognize, "Oh, interesting, there's jealousy. Well, I'm jealous of Jay. He's got this incredible podcast that's reaching millions of people. He's making this huge difference. What is it about that? Is it about Jay?" Yeah, no, but really what it's about is I've been wanting to do a podcast forever. So instead of aiming that jealousy out at the world or at myself, aim it into inspiration.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
10. MRMel Robbins
  Aim it into motivation. Recognize and give yourself permission that if you unpack whatever it is that you're jealous of, "I'm jealous of their marriage," what is it about it? Is it the fact that they seem to have a date night? Is it the fact that they're really kind to each other? Explore it. Lean into it. Give yourself permission-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
12. MRMel Robbins
  ... to have that thing, and then get off your ass and go make it happen. That's it, because here's the thing. Your jealousy's not going away, and it will either continue to consume you or you are going to blow the lid off that blocked desire and you are going to empower yourself to start moving toward what you want.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
14. MRMel Robbins
  That's how you do it. And again, this High 5 habit is so important, because if you stand in front of the mirror and go, "I'm too late. I'd just be a copycat. All these people, see, you dumb..." Like, this is what the beatdown is.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. MRMel Robbins
  If you go, "Nope," you High 5 yourself, you're like, "I see you. You are a little bit later than everyone else. Great." They're guideposts-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Totally
18. MRMel Robbins
  ... on the map of your life.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. MRMel Robbins
  All these people are your co-creators. Everybody you're jealous of is literally somebody that is running point for you.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Totally.
22. MRMel Robbins
  But you haven't allowed yourself the permission-
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
24. MRMel Robbins
  ... to unpack it and actually ... question and go on an inquiry that's so rewarding of, "Well, wow, what is really calling me about this?"
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Yeah. I, I think that's so true, and I love seeing jealousy that way. And you, you said something there was r- really important that I want people to catch on if they didn't, is jealousy is a tool when you're self-aware.
26. MRMel Robbins
  Mm.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Like, you are self-aware, I don't want an apartment in New York, hence if someone has a stunning apartment in New York, I don't feel jealous. But a lot of us, our jealousy is just scattered-
28. MRMel Robbins
  Mm
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... because we don't know what we want or what our dream truly is, so then everyone's dream feels exciting and better than ours. And that's why I think what you said is so true when people actually can develop a little bit of self-awareness of, what is my genuine dream? Because I remember I, I talk a lot about, like, when you don't find your purpose, you're jealous of everyone. And when you know your purpose, then you become jealous in your space of your purpose.
30. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
1:09:56 – 1:13:40
Your brain is designed to protect you and change requires risks
1. JSJay Shetty
  Tell us about how that mindset doesn't help us and what-
2. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, uh, do it tomorrow?
3. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
4. MRMel Robbins
  Are you kid- So first of all, motivation is complete garbage. Everybody's sitting around waiting to feel like it, Jay, and this is a recipe for never seeing your dreams come true-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
6. MRMel Robbins
  ... and dying with a lot of regret. Thank you very much. Welcome to my TED Talk. This has been very inspiring. No, uh, seriously, like, I want you to understand that you will never feel ready to do things that scare you. You will never feel ready to jump off the cliff. You will never feel ready to take that leap. And the reason why is based on science and research. Your brain is designed to protect you, and change requires risk. And so you are protecting yourself by saying maybe tomorrow. This is where the five-second rule comes in super handy. So if you are constantly procrastinating, you probably have a bias towards thinking, and you can use the five-second rule to literally push yourself to take action. All you're gonna do is count backwards, five, four, three, two, one. That's it. I know it's as dumb as the high five. It's as simple as the high five. It has profound research behind it, because what you're doing when you start counting backwards, and you have to count backwards. It does not work if you count up. Doesn't work. Because counting backwards, five, four, three, two, one, requires you to focus. When you focus, you flip the switch and your prefrontal cortex turns on. This is a starting ritual that interrupts the patterns of overthinking, of fear, of anxiety, of procrastination, of comparison, that are making you go, "Ah, tomorrow, not today. I don't feel like it." Five, four, three, two, one, your prefrontal cortex turns on. That's the part of the brain you need to either learn new behavior or take action that's inspired. So now when you get to one, you got a shot-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
8. MRMel Robbins
  ... at doing something different, so move. And here's the real secret to this. The second you started counting, you actually made a decision to change. So the counting is the Trojan horse to the bigger thing you're avoiding. Five, four, three, two, one launches you through the resistance and it pushes you into action. That's the only way you're gonna change. Sitting there listening to us, lightning is not gonna strike you on the couch. Jay and I are not gonna show up and kick you or drag you out of your house and make you go on that run. If you want to change your life, you must make a decision to change your life. And, you know, I'm gonna say something that I really hope happens from you listening to Jay and I today. I think it's very easy to sit in this moment in your life and to look back at your life and to see how everything that's ever happened to you, positive and negative, is a dot on the map of your life that has led you here. True power is knowing that this moment right here is also a dot on your map, and that this moment too is connecting you forward on the map of your life towards something extraordinary that hasn't happened yet. And you can either sit here and listen to this and let this dot come and go, or you can wake the heck up and realize at some point the map takes you to a final destination, and we don't know when that is. But if you want to change your life, you got to make a decision to change your life, and sitting around and waiting to feel ready is not the decision I want you to make. So when you're done listening to this, five, four, three, two, one, I want you to turn toward that thing that you've always dreamt of, that you've been waiting to do, and you go And you move toward the thing that is meant for you, because that's the only way you're gonna get there
9. JSJay Shetty
  The one and only Mel Robbins, everyone. The High 5 Habit. Uh, Mel, we end every episode with the final five, which suits you perfectly-
10. MRMel Robbins
  [laughs]
11. JSJay Shetty
  With the five-second rule and the High 5 habit. It's like we planned it.
1:13:40 – 1:22:00
Mel on Fast Five
1. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, and this is our Fast Five, so every question has to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
2. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, okay.
3. JSJay Shetty
  So I give one sentence.
4. MRMel Robbins
  Yep, yep, yep.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Okay, so the first question is what is the best advice you've ever received?
6. MRMel Robbins
  Never leave a bathroom without high-fiving yourself in a mirror.
7. JSJay Shetty
  I love it. All right, question number two. What is the worst advice you've ever received?
8. MRMel Robbins
  Someone else can make you happy.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Hmm. Absolutely. Yeah.
10. MRMel Robbins
  They can make you a cup of coffee.
11. JSJay Shetty
  A lot, yeah.
12. MRMel Robbins
  They can't make you happy.
13. JSJay Shetty
  A lot of people hear that. It's very true. Um, I, I didn't get to ask you this probably, but I, I want to hear about it. Tell us about high-fiving your heart, hand on your heart.
14. MRMel Robbins
  Oh, this is incredible. So this comes from research from, uh, Dr. Judy Willis, and this is why this is so important. Right now, I think everybody's nervous system is in a state of fight or flight. If you feel constantly exhausted, stressed out, you can't focus, um, you're on edge, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, and honestly, what we've just lived through, the human body is not built to sustain that level of uncertainty for that amount of time. So what you're gonna do to high-five y- your heart is we're gonna teach you how to flip off your fight or flight nervous system and flip on your parasympathetic, calm, cool, nervous system. And so here's how you do it. It's very simple. You're gonna take your hands and push them on the center of your chest, and you're gonna take a deep breath, blow it out, and then you're going to repeat these three sentences. I'm okay.
15. JSJay Shetty
  I'm okay.
16. MRMel Robbins
  I'm safe.
17. JSJay Shetty
  I'm safe.
18. MRMel Robbins
  I'm loved.
19. JSJay Shetty
  I'm loved.
20. MRMel Robbins
  And some mornings, you might need to do it 53 times. What's happening, and what do you feel, Jay, when you do that?
21. JSJay Shetty
  I feel, I mean, on a physical level, I feel like my heart rate's slowing down. I feel like my body's become more relaxed. In a, in an emotional or mental capacity, I just feel a sense of more stillness, a sense of more clarity and certainty.
22. MRMel Robbins
  Exactly. What you're doing on a scientific level is you're tapping into a treasure in your body called the vagus nerve. Now you talk about this all the time. It runs from your seat to the top of your head through every major organ, through your vocal cords. There are lots of ways you can strength this, strengthen the vagus nerve. It is the on/off switch between your stressed out nervous system and your cool, grounded one. And so every morning, I want you to high-five your heart. I want you to take a deep breath and start your day by saying, "I am okay, I'm safe, and I'm loved." And repeat it and repeat it and repeat it until you feel yourself come back into your body. You feel the stress level decrease. And the fact of the matter is, if you can hear yourself even thinking those three sentences, it's true. We had a woman who, uh, wrote to us from a homeless or a domestic violence shelter, and she said that she's had tremendous childhood abuse. She's just escaped a very abusive relationship. She's lost everything. She said for five days she's been waking up and high-fiving her heart, telling herself that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. She's been starting her day with a high five in the mirror, and she said, "After just five days, I realize I have a very long road ahead of me, but now I know at least I still have myself."
23. JSJay Shetty
  Wow. That's incredible. That's absolutely beautiful. I, I, uh... It's funny because when, when I was reading about that in the book, I didn't realize it. So I have a habit of, that's probably one of my go-to hand gestures in my day-to-day life.
24. MRMel Robbins
  Hmm.
25. JSJay Shetty
  And I do it usually when someone thanks me. So if I bump into someone on the street and they're like, "Hey, Jay, I listen to the podcast. I really love it," I'll always say, "Thank you so much." Like, that's a very nat-
26. MRMel Robbins
  You do do that
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... that's my na- it's my nat-
28. MRMel Robbins
  Yeah, you do that all the time
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... so when I read about it, I was like, I didn't know about, I do it because it's just a natural thing for me. But I'll literally put my hand out. I'll be like, "Thank you so much. That means the world to me. I'm so grateful for that." Like that's, that's, and I do that all the time. It's, it's like my go-to hand gesture. Um, not that I've trained it or thought of it. It's subconsciously been what I've done, and now that I know that it does that, I'm like, wow. Like, it's, it's incredible to think that some of these things actually happen quite subconsciously and, you know, naturally. So anyway, that was something I had to ask about. Okay.
30. MRMel Robbins
  Beautiful.