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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

Taylor Tomlinson ON: The Quarter-Life Crisis & How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships

Jay Shetty talks to Taylor Tomlinson about why sometimes it’s okay to shift your focus on something else. Dropping out of college doesn’t really mean you’re wasting your time away.

Taylor TomlinsonguestJay Shettyhost
May 23, 20221h 24mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

  1. 0:00 – 5:03

    Intro

    1. TT

      My grandma will say things like, "Your mom would have thought this was so cool. Your mom would have been, like, in the front row."

    2. JS

      Oh, wow.

    3. TT

      And I go, "I don't know that I'd be doing this if-

    4. JS

      Wow

    5. TT

      ... Mom was still here." I don't know. It's, it's so strange to be sad-

    6. JS

      Yeah

    7. TT

      ... that a parent isn't here to see your success.

    8. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    9. TT

      But also know that a big reason you're successful is this drive to become somebody they would have been proud of. [upbeat music]

    10. JS

      Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, you know that I get to sit down with a lot of exciting, interesting, fascinating people, but sometimes there's someone that I reach out to that I'm just a huge fan of. And actually, it was my dear friend Adam Grant who gave me an excuse to reach out to this individual, uh, with an opportunity that he had for her, which I even forgot what it was, and he's been an amazing guest on the podcast too. Just gave me an excuse to DM her and say, "Hey, Taylor, would you like to do this thing?" Uh, which was my way of sneaking in and saying, "Hey, can you come on the podcast, too?" I've been a huge fan of today's guest since her first special, her Instagram, her social media. Her TikTok's incredible. Uh, I have sent her videos to my wife, my family, my friends, my trainer this morning. I mean, she is one of those people that as soon as I watch her, I start laughing, I learn something new, and I just feel an incredible sense of joy. And in the few moments that she's walked into my home and into our studio, I love her even more. I'm speaking about the one and only Taylor Tomlinson, who began performing comedy when she was 16 after her father signed her up for a stand-up class. She became a top 10 finalist on the ninth season of NBC's Last Comic Standing in 2015, and was named one of the top 10 comics to watch by Variety at the 2019 Just For Laughs Festival. Her first Netflix standup special, which is where I discovered her, Quarter-Life Crisis, premiered in March, 2020. In 2021, she started her own podcast called Sad in the City, and in the same year, she was placed on the Forbes' 30 Under 30 list. Now, her second standup special, Look at You, is now streaming on Netflix. I want you to go and watch it straight after this. And she will be at the LA Netflix Comedy Festival show at the Ace Theater on May 6th, 2022, so make sure you grab some tickets. Uh, welcome to the show, Taylor Tomlinson. Taylor, thank you so much.

    11. TT

      Thank you so much.

    12. JS

      [laughs]

    13. TT

      I, we were just talking about this before we started recording, but I was like, "What am I doing here?"

    14. JS

      [laughs]

    15. TT

      Like, truly. I- Your podcast is just full of so many interesting, wise people teaching you how to live a better life, and so to come in as a stand-up comedian-

    16. JS

      [laughs]

    17. TT

      ... and you're like, "I can't wait to learn things from you," I'm like, "Uh, yeah, absolutely."

    18. JS

      [laughs]

    19. TT

      "I have so much to teach." Uh, I'm, I'm coming into this fully hoping to... I almost brought a notebook to take notes.

    20. JS

      [laughs]

    21. TT

      'Cause that's how I feel every time I listen to your podcast or watch any of your TikToks. Like, I'm still thinking about the video where you talk about checking your phone first thing in the morning, where you're like, "You wouldn't just have 100 people come into your bedroom." And I'm like, "Oh my God, that's, that's exactly what you're doing every morning." And I'm still terrible at it.

    22. JS

      [laughs]

    23. TT

      And I do it every morning, but every time-

    24. JS

      Me too

    25. TT

      ... I do it, I think about you telling me not to.

    26. JS

      [laughs] Yeah. Well, I genuinely feel that not only do I laugh at everything you put out, I mean, I can name my f- top three favorite, uh, moments in your special easily, I think for me, I also learn from you because I think what you do so phenomenally well, especially when it comes to love and relationships, but also life, is you're able to get inside people's minds as to how they think about situations and how they navigate relationships and how they make certain decisions in their life. And so I do think you teach. I'm not expecting you to teach.

    27. TT

      [laughs]

    28. JS

      Uh, I, I want to laugh with you today. I want to get to know you better. This was just an excuse for me to be a fan-

    29. TT

      [laughs]

    30. JS

      ... and for me to hang out with someone that I admire and adore so much. And, and genuinely, from even the few moments we've spent, I'm just so happy meeting you, and I hope this kicks off a wonderful friendship. So that's kind of why I do this [laughs] whole podcast, is to-

  2. 5:03 – 10:34

    Why did he sign you up for a standup class?

    1. TT

      Mm.

    2. JS

      And when I look at you, I go, "Well, wait a minute, your father signed you up for a standup class."

    3. TT

      Mm-hmm.

    4. JS

      Why did he do that? That sounds like a painful thing for a father to do.

    5. TT

      I think a woman at our church wanted to do it, and she told him about it, and then he brought me along, thinking I could write for him maybe. Like-

    6. JS

      Oh, wow

    7. TT

      ... he was, like, more of a performer. So, uh, I'm very glad he did, you know, for whatever reason. And yeah, it is a very strange thing because I didn't, I didn't get into this super intentionally. Like, it, it was something I sort of fell into as a result of just this one woman going, "I think I'm gonna take this stand-up class," 'cause she was, like, a retired school teacher and did some public speaking events and wanted to inject some humor into it. So it's funny how s- something as small as that, like an after service conversation, just snowballed into my entire life, my entire career. And you and I were talking earlier about just you being very young as well, and you being so successful in, in what you do, and how it seems like, you know, maybe you've only been doing this for five years online, and you're like, "But I've been doing this- There were 17 years before that that I was teaching and, and interviewing and learning and, and I've had all these life experiences, and, uh, I think a lot of people look at my career similarly sometimes where they go, "Well, you, you blew up very quickly," or, "You got all these opportunities very quickly." And I, I think I feel very self-conscious about that sometimes because 28 is very lucky and young to have two Netflix specials. It was not something I ever anticipated, uh, achieving at this age. I've just been very fortunate. But then I, I think back to when I actually started and I'm like, "Oh, I've been doing this for 12 years."

    8. JS

      [laughs] Yes.

    9. TT

      So, okay.

    10. JS

      [laughs]

    11. TT

      That's, it's not like I, I just started yesterday.

    12. JS

      Yeah.

    13. TT

      But I think when you are younger than what people expect-

    14. JS

      Yes

    15. TT

      ... from someone doing what you do, there can sometimes be a little bit of like, "Oh, well, it's just been easy-

    16. JS

      Yes

    17. TT

      ... for you."

    18. JS

      Yes.

    19. TT

      You just did it.

    20. JS

      Yeah, and it... But I also find it, it's quite a untraditional journey, and it's so funny because we shared that. My parents forced me to go to a public speaking class and drama class-

    21. TT

      Wow

    22. JS

      ... when I was 11 years old because they thought I was too shy-

    23. TT

      Wow

    24. JS

      ... and I didn't have any confidence. And so my parents signed me up to LAMDA, which is the London Academy of Music, Drama and Arts, and they said, they forced the school to allow me in because they missed the sign-up date or something like that, and they like begged and pleaded with one of the teachers saying, "We really need our son to do this because he's shy and he doesn't have confidence." And now I look back and I think, wow, my parents made this amazing decision, just like you said-

    25. TT

      Yeah

    26. JS

      ... that has impacted my whole life, and I think I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have had that opportunity if I didn't do that. So but even for you, it's, it's a after sermon, after service conversation. Like, that sounds very untraditional, at least from my external ignorance.

    27. TT

      Oh, absolutely.

    28. JS

      Uh, yeah.

    29. TT

      It's the thing people ask about the most because it's, it's not an origin story I think many stand-up comedians have, and if they do have it, they are generally still in the church world-

    30. JS

      Yes

  3. 10:34 – 18:20

    Performing on stage is still terrifying

    1. JS

      Talk to me about that first time or maybe something you learned in that stand-up class that started to be o- that you started to be okay with that fear and dealing with that, or did you never feel that fear at all?

    2. TT

      Oh, I was terrified. I mean, do you feel like you were shy-

    3. JS

      Yeah

    4. TT

      ... as a kid? Like-

    5. JS

      Definitely

    6. TT

      ... very shy?

    7. JS

      Massively.

    8. TT

      How long did it take for you to sort of feel like you weren't, or do you still feel-

    9. JS

      [laughs]

    10. TT

      ... on a base level you're shy and you've just figured out how to not act that way? [laughs]

    11. JS

      Yeah. I, I find that, so from 11 to 18, I went to public speaking and drama school, and those years gave me the skills, but I didn't have anything I was passionate to talk about-

    12. TT

      Mm

    13. JS

      ... until I lived as a monk and-

    14. TT

      Wow

    15. JS

      ... until I understood-

    16. TT

      Yeah

    17. JS

      ... the wisdom of the Vedas that I studied and now I share. So to me, it was almost like you have a toolkit, but I never used it because I still didn't feel confident. I actually got confidence because of what I was sharing. I have so much more faith and confidence in the ideas I share than I do even in myself, and I think that's what gives me so much excitement and enthusiasm. But having said that, now I would say that even today, I feel really confident when I'm one-on-one with someone and when we both know what role we play. But if I turn up to a random event that isn't my event, that is someone else's event, I will just try and find one person that I can have a really deep, intimate conversation with as opposed to go up to everyone and introduce myself and make sure that everyone knows I came to the... I'm not like that because I feel more comfortable getting to know someone deeply. So I would still consider myself, if it's my event, I'm not shy because I know what role I play there and I'm doing something, but I would say I'm shy when I'm at an event where I don't have a role. Does that make sense?

    18. TT

      Mm. Yeah, absolutely.

    19. JS

      Yeah, yeah.

    20. TT

      So I think that- I think that is on a base level. I'm an introvert and I'm shy.

    21. JS

      Yes, yes.

    22. TT

      I feel the exact same way, and I felt like that for years, and I still feel that way. I have, I think, a lot of social anxiety. Um, I think that when I started doing stand-up, I, I always liked performing, but I... Once I found stand-up, I was like, "Oh, this is where I feel the best is on stage doing this thing. This is where I feel like myself." And actually, when I first started doing stand-up, I felt like the version of myself that I was on stage was who I wanted to be in life all the time, but I couldn't, 'cause I was too shy and I didn't have the confidence. And then at a certain point, it, it became more true to who I was out in the world and, and now, I'm, I'm at this weird place where I'm like, "Is that even me? Is that the mo-

    23. JS

      [laughs]

    24. TT

      Is that the purest version of me? Is that the most sort of polished version of me?" Like, it's very strange to be in this business and see so many videos of yourself and so many photos of yourself, and it can feel very, like, dysmorphic, where you're like, "Who, who am... Is that-

    25. JS

      Yeah, yeah

    26. TT

      ... Who is that?"

    27. JS

      Yeah, wow.

    28. TT

      "That's not me."

    29. JS

      Wow.

    30. TT

      Especially when you're, you are achieving these goals you've always had. Like, you know, when I got on Conan or something, like, I was like, "I'm in the thing I've been watching for years-

  4. 18:20 – 25:41

    Dropping out of college

    1. JS

      What was that transition like of saying, "I'm okay- ... with not going down the right, correct path of staying at college, completing, but I'm actually gonna go and do off- do something that I enjoy and love. Like, what was that transition like for you? Was it one welcomed by yourself and the people around you with excitement and joy? Or was it surrounded with worry and anxiety and, and a sense of, "Oh, this is gonna be tough," or, "I'm actually scared about this"?

    2. TT

      I think when I left college, I had booked enough work-

    3. JS

      Right

    4. TT

      ... that, like, I would've never just quit college to-

    5. JS

      Right

    6. TT

      ... see. You know? Like, I had enough work booked. I, I physically couldn't go to college anymore-

    7. JS

      Mm-hmm

    8. TT

      ... um, because at the time, the school I was at didn't have enough, like, online options, so I just, I just couldn't.

    9. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    10. TT

      And I had already taken a semester off to audition for all these colleges. There's something called NACA where you essentially audition for a bunch of college bookers, and so I had booked like 50 colleges in the winter and spring, and I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna be gone for like three weeks at a time-

    11. JS

      Hmm

    12. TT

      ... performing at these schools, mostly on the East Coast, so I can't." And I think I just told myself, "Well, you can go back. You can go back."

    13. JS

      Yeah.

    14. TT

      And I told myself that for years. I told myself that-

    15. JS

      [laughs]

    16. TT

      ... until I got the first Netflix special.

    17. JS

      Yeah.

    18. TT

      Once I got the first Netflix special, I was like, "I think I don't have to go back to school."

    19. JS

      [laughs]

    20. TT

      And then the pandemic hit and I was like, "Maybe I do."

    21. JS

      [laughs]

    22. TT

      So I really wasn't, like, all in. Like, I was like, I held onto that-

    23. JS

      Yeah

    24. TT

      ... because I was, I was a good student. I really thought that I was going to college, I was gonna finish. Like, a lot of it was tied up in, like, being a, a good kid, I suppose. So that wasn't something that I made a hard decision on. It was something that-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. TT

      ... I sort of over time accepted-

    27. JS

      Yeah

    28. TT

      ... as long as everything was going well in my career. Um, what was harder, honestly, was just moving away from being a clean comedian and, and that transition from, I never performed in churches exclusively and I didn't wanna perform in churches exclusively or even mostly, but to move away from being somebody that could-

    29. JS

      Yeah

    30. TT

      ... and was this, like, squeaky clean, uh, act that, you know, your family isn't embarrassed to watch [laughs] or anything-

  5. 25:41 – 31:33

    It’s really about being confident

    1. JS

      how did you get over that shame and guilt? Because I feel like that can be so restricting, and I even know people in my own community who would, who would feel restricted by that judgment. W- how were, how did you receive that? How did you have the confidence again to break through that and say, "Well, this is still something I really wanna do despite all of this"?

    2. TT

      Yeah, I mean, that is so interesting that you drew that comparison. 'Cause yeah, TikTok is about as far away from being a monk as you can get [laughs] I feel like.

    3. JS

      Literally.

    4. TT

      It's so interesting to me that, I mean, what a perfect example you are of, of a huge pivot, but still it's all connected and it's all leading to the next thing. Uh-

    5. JS

      [laughs]

    6. TT

      Anyway, to your question, I, how did I get past all of that? [sighs] I have ... A lot of therapy, I suppose.

    7. JS

      Oh.

    8. TT

      I mean, when we were talking about you can always go back to what you were doing before, I think what you said was so great. I mean, yeah, I do think people see it as giving up.

    9. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    10. TT

      But actually it's, it's really confidence.

    11. JS

      Yes.

    12. TT

      It's you saying, "I'm confident enough that if this doesn't work out, I'll make it work."

    13. JS

      Yes.

    14. TT

      And if that means doing what I was doing before, that's fine. I have, I have a good friend, Delaney Fisher, who I used to do Self Helpless with. She said to me when I was, I think, moving in with somebody, she, she had given a few of our friends this advice where she was like, "You can always move out."

    15. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    16. TT

      Like, you can alwa- it's okay if things don't work out, and I think we f- we totally forget about that. As far as moving past the shame of it, I will say there is no, like, I can always go back to the church market. Like, that was not-

    17. JS

      Yeah

    18. TT

      ... ever, something I ever felt.

    19. JS

      Yeah.

    20. TT

      Um, because w- that's a decision you make, and I felt very good about that decision, but that is a small pool of comedians who can do that, and it is, uh, in some ways easier-

    21. JS

      Yeah

    22. TT

      ... to achieve a certain level of financial success-

    23. JS

      Yeah

    24. TT

      ... in that area. There's a ceiling on it because-

    25. JS

      It's a community, yeah

    26. TT

      ... you know, it's a, it's a certain community. But I just knew that I wanted to talk about more difficult subjects, and yeah, I wanted to do jokes about sex. Like, I wanted-

    27. JS

      Yeah

    28. TT

      ... to talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. And th- the, the expectations are so rigid-

    29. JS

      Mm-hmm

    30. TT

      ... in, in church comedy, in, in any sort of-

  6. 31:33 – 40:51

    Everything happened for a reason

    1. JS

      You said that that was one of the things it opened up. Was, what else was there that that opened up for you? It sounds like you've spent a long time with therapy and reflection and being on a journey with that. What would you feel comfortable sharing with us that that opened up for you?

    2. TT

      Oh, I mean, I talk about it a lot in the new special.

    3. JS

      Yes.

    4. TT

      It's, it is such a ... It's, it's the most important thing that happened to me.

    5. JS

      Yeah.

    6. TT

      You know? Not the best thing that ever happened [laughs] to me, but it's, if anything, it's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it's, it's hard to ... I don't know who I would've been if that didn't happen. Like I, I, I don't think I would've been the same person. I mean, I have, I had a conversation with my therapist the other day where I was like, "It's so funny because my aunt or my, my grandma will say things like, 'Your mom would've thought this was so cool. Your mom would've been, like, in the front row.'"

    7. JS

      Oh.

    8. TT

      And I go, "I don't know that I'd be doing this if-

    9. JS

      Wow

    10. TT

      ... Mom was still here." Like, would I have ... I certainly wouldn't have lived where I lived because my dad got remarried-

    11. JS

      Mm

    12. TT

      ... and that's why we lived there, and that's why I took that class, is because we were in that area-

    13. JS

      Oh

    14. TT

      ... where that woman suggested it. So who knows? Maybe I would've found it, but also maybe I would've written children's books-

    15. JS

      [laughs]

    16. TT

      ... which is what I wanted to do-

    17. JS

      Wow

    18. TT

      ... when I was younger. So I, I, I don't know. It's, it's so strange to be sad-

    19. JS

      Yeah

    20. TT

      ... that a parent isn't here to see your success-

    21. JS

      Mm-hmm

    22. TT

      ... but also know that a big reason you're successful is this drive to become somebody they would've been proud of or like ... Y- it's weird. I'm, like, chasing the approval of a ghost in a way.

    23. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    24. TT

      But then when you achieve those things, you're, there's a, there's a sadness to all of it-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. TT

      ... 'cause you go, "Oh, this is, this doesn't really fill that, that hole," I guess. Uh, but I do think it, it certainly, it, it made a lot of things much more difficult, and I'm sure it made me shyer, and I'm sure it made me ve- it made me very, very anxious. And it burst that bubble a lot of kids have, maybe not kids now 'cause they lived through a pandemic, but-

    27. JS

      Mm

    28. TT

      ... a lot of kids have where you think you're invincible and nothing-

    29. JS

      Yeah

    30. TT

      ... bad's gonna happen to you. Um, and when something like that happens to you really young, you're like, "Oh, okay."

  7. 40:51 – 45:02

    On relationships and working through the issues

    1. JS

      I wonder for you what have been some of the, would you say, misconceptions on love that you think you had growing up that have been broken down, or that through your comedy that you've learned, or maybe you've heard an amazing story from a fan at, at an event that has sparked some thoughts? But I'm always fascinated by things that we believe to be true about love-

    2. TT

      Mm

    3. JS

      ... but as we grow older we go, "Oh, they're not, they're not the truth."

    4. TT

      Yeah.

    5. JS

      Does that make sense?

    6. TT

      Yeah. Absolutely. Um, it's so funny you say that. I have a friend who's been in a relationship for I believe seven years now, and is, like, my oldest friend, and I had, I had asked her a similar question. Uh, I, I don't remember when, but I had asked her, you know, "What would you do if your partner cheated on you?" And she was like, "Honestly, at this point I love him so much, I trust him so much. I would probably go to therapy and figure out why it happened."

    7. JS

      Yeah.

    8. TT

      And I was like, "Oh, but you wouldn't just leave?" And she was like, "No." She's like, "Not at this point. Like, we've just been through so much together. I would... There..." She's like, "I know him so well. If he did that, I would know there was a reason-

    9. JS

      Yes

    10. TT

      ... and we would need to figure out that reason."

    11. JS

      That's beautiful.

    12. TT

      Oh my gosh.

    13. JS

      Yeah.

    14. TT

      And I was like, "Oh, okay."

    15. JS

      [laughs]

    16. TT

      "So we're all mature now."

    17. JS

      Yeah. [laughs]

    18. TT

      Like, I think I thought, "Well, my friends in this relationship, that relationship, they don't fight."

    19. JS

      Yeah.

    20. TT

      Or, "This would never happen-

    21. JS

      Yes, yes

    22. TT

      ... in so-and-so's relationship." And then as I've gotten older and I've dated more people, I've, I've spoken to friends of mine and said like, "Well, this happened." And they go, "Oh, we, we dealt with that."

    23. JS

      Yeah.

    24. TT

      Like, "We had the same thing," or, "My partner did something like that," or, "I did something like that."

    25. JS

      Yeah.

    26. TT

      "And it took a while for us to unlearn it and get through it." And that's, I think, the hardest thing about dating- ... in your 20s and, and honestly into your 30s now as people are getting married later, it, it's so hard to know what is like a deal breaker-

    27. JS

      Yes

    28. TT

      ... and what is something that you can work through.

    29. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    30. TT

      And it, I think the thing I've learned from friends of mine and, and truly talking to audience members, 'cause I do ask-

  8. 45:02 – 50:28

    That guy who actually cheated

    1. JS

      What, what have been the, the funniest, most interesting date situations you've been in, or ones that have given you hope, or ones that have broken your hope, or anything that you feel to share?

    2. TT

      Well, it's so funny you bring up that joke from Quarter-Life-

    3. JS

      Yeah, yes

    4. TT

      ... because-

    5. JS

      I love that. Like-

    6. TT

      It, it's so funny 'cause in the new special, I, I have a joke about an ex cheating on me, and it's that, that guy that I talk about where I go, "Well, he never cheated on..." I say, I do that joke where-

    7. JS

      Yeah

    8. TT

      ... I say, "He cheated on me in my head." And I go, "No, he never cheated on me, but he did this thing." That guy did cheat on me, and he told me after I filmed that special.

    9. JS

      No.

    10. TT

      Yes, he finally told me, and it was like, obviously years later. But like, he and I had dated on and off for years, and he had sworn up and down-

    11. JS

      Oh my

    12. TT

      ... that he never cheated on me, and really made me feel crazy. And to his credit, apologized very late.

    13. JS

      [laughs]

    14. TT

      But really like sent me this long apology where I was like, "I was gaslighting you." Like, "I ch-"

    15. JS

      Oh my gosh.

    16. TT

      Really a beautiful... I almost made it my iPhone background.

    17. JS

      [laughs]

    18. TT

      That's all you want is just, "I was wrong and I gaslighted you," and you're like, "You... Yes."

    19. JS

      Yeah, send it out as a template-

    20. TT

      Yeah

    21. JS

      ... for everyone to use.

    22. TT

      But also really messed with my head 'cause I'd been in therapy going, "I, you know-

    23. JS

      Oh, man

    24. TT

      ... I always was so suspicious of this guy and he never did anything, and I just created it in my head."

    25. JS

      Oh, no.

    26. TT

      So for them later, and for him later-

    27. JS

      Oh

    28. TT

      ... to be like, "No, I was, and you were right, and I'm sorry," it-

    29. JS

      It just paid for my therapy bill for the last 12 months.

    30. TT

      I know, right?

  9. 50:28 – 1:00:07

    Spend as much time as you need to know yourself

    1. JS

      if, if, if Taylor Tomlinson had any dating relationship advice, mistakes, thoughts, what would they be right now?

    2. TT

      Oh, my advice is to not listen to stand-up comedians-

    3. JS

      [laughs]

    4. TT

      ... for relationship advice. Uh, my advice is to listen to your podcast-

    5. JS

      [laughs]

    6. TT

      ... uh, and follow whatever you and your wife are doing. Um, I don't know. I'm currently in this place in my life where I'm sort of coming to, and I'd like to talk about this on stage in the-

    7. JS

      Mm

    8. TT

      ... the new hour I'm, I'm working on, is, um, I've, I have been in sort of, like, back-to-back relationships, um, throughout my-

    9. JS

      Mm-hmm

    10. TT

      ... entire adult life in a way that I don't think is particularly healthy.

    11. JS

      Mm.

    12. TT

      Uh, and I have had friends, I have a new joke in the hour about-

    13. JS

      Mm

    14. TT

      ... um, you know, m- a lot of my friends are like, "You should maybe be single for a bit, and-

    15. JS

      [laughs]

    16. TT

      ... maybe get a cat or something."

    17. JS

      [laughs]

    18. TT

      And I was like, "Hard pass."

    19. JS

      Yeah.

    20. TT

      "Cats don't make me feel good about myself."

    21. JS

      [laughs]

    22. TT

      But I am, I am reaching a point now where I'm like, okay, we've put off doing this work-

    23. JS

      Yeah

    24. TT

      ... on being alone-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. TT

      ... for a long time.

    27. JS

      Yeah.

    28. TT

      And I think you need to do it now.

    29. JS

      Yeah.

    30. TT

      And it is so difficult because I, I'm, I'm not, I'm not a casual person.

  10. 1:00:07 – 1:04:53

    The time that people spend alone as adults

    1. TT

      Uh, yeah, I, I think that I, I ... It's f- it's interesting what you said about the time that people spend actually alone as adults, 'cause I've, I've spoken to friends of mine who have gotten out of really long relationships. Like, that's such a, that's such a common thing that I've never experienced where, you know, somebody was with somebody for the bulk of their young adulthood. Like, maybe someone was with someone for eight years in their 20s, and then they break up, which seems so devastating-

    2. JS

      Yeah

    3. TT

      ... because I've never been in something that long that ended. Um, or, you know, people get divorced after however many years and, and th- those friends realizing, like, "Oh, I didn't, I never lived alone."

    4. JS

      Yeah, yeah.

    5. TT

      Like, "I've never lived alone, and I'm In my 30s now, and I'm sort of in a similar place where I'm kind of like surprised how much I'm appreciating it-

    6. JS

      Yeah

    7. TT

      ... right now.

    8. JS

      Yeah.

    9. TT

      Like, I'm really, I'm, I'm really, like, every night I'm like, "Oh, I can just do whatever I want." And I love-

    10. JS

      Yeah

    11. TT

      ... being in a relationship. I love being in a relationship.

    12. JS

      Yeah.

    13. TT

      I love the, the people I've been in relationships with. I love hanging out with someone. I, I love having that person to talk to and share with and, 'cause you really do just become best friends with that person.

    14. JS

      Yes, yes.

    15. TT

      But I have spent very little time just with myself.

    16. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    17. TT

      And I, I really have spent years, like, dreading it.

    18. JS

      Yeah.

    19. TT

      Where I'm like, I don't, I can't imagine just coming home at night or going back to the hotel after shows, 'cause that's very lonely and just like-

    20. JS

      Yeah

    21. TT

      ... being by myself and not having someone to call, not having someone to watch a movie with. And now I'm like, "Oh, this is actually kind of peaceful."

    22. JS

      Yeah.

    23. TT

      Like, I, I was so scared to not have someone else to count on, but I still have me to count on, I guess. [laughs]

    24. JS

      [laughs] Yeah. And, and when we don't have that, that, those are the triggers that come out. I mean, even in marriage, like right now I won't have seen my wife for the first four months of this year. She's in London-

    25. TT

      Wow

    26. JS

      ... working on stuff. I'm in LA. Uh, she can't be in L- LA right now for the work she's doing, and I can't be in London. And so I'd say in our marriage, we've spent probably before- pandemic we spent completely together, which was wonderful. We loved it, and it was actually great for us. But before that, I would say that we've spent at least three to six months apart a year because-

    27. TT

      Wow

    28. JS

      ... of work, on and off, not always in one go. This time it's been in one go. And I miss her. I cannot wait for her to come back. Like, I feel like I have to throw her a party when she comes back because-

    29. TT

      Yeah

    30. JS

      ... I miss her so much. But at the same time I'm also really happy because she's been able to focus, and I've been able to focus, and we've had this moment to, like, really go all in on our careers again, and then to come back again and be together and go all in on that. And it's just, I think it's so healthy because marriage will also demand separation, especially with careers that we have-

  11. 1:04:53 – 1:11:22

    Getting this moment of peace after performing on stage

    1. JS

      Tell t- walk us through how it's felt for you, because I do think that when we live in a world where you're showered with validation and attention, to then leave it-

    2. TT

      Well, hopefully.

    3. JS

      Hopefully. [laughs]

    4. TT

      Yeah. [laughs]

    5. JS

      Yeah, hopefully. But when, when you're showered with that genuine love from a lot, I, I know that my community, I feel so much genuine love from them, but when you go home you've got to have that relationship with yourself. Can you just walk us through that a bit? I want to hear about it from your thoughts.

    6. TT

      Oh man. I mean, in, or in terms of like being on the road and going back to a hotel room? Or-

    7. JS

      Just that lonely j- I feel like that is such a unique experience-

    8. TT

      Mm-hmm

    9. JS

      ... because not everyone performs on stage, and not everyone... It's like going home from a party is one thing, but going home from a p- party that was you on stage and everyone-

    10. TT

      Right

    11. JS

      ... it's like, it's just really int- and I'm always fascinated about hearing about that lonely journey for artists on the way home.

    12. TT

      Yeah. There is sort of like a physical, at least for me, I feel like there's a heavy sort of like [exhales]

    13. JS

      Yeah

    14. TT

      ... after I get off stage. And now on this, you know, this tour I'm usually doing like a meet and greet afterward.

    15. JS

      Yeah.

    16. TT

      And so that's sort of like a little extension of the show is how it feels, 'cause you're, you are meeting people face to face and, uh, taking pictures and sometimes hearing very personal things from them. I guess it depends, because some days are, are very hectic where you're just traveling all day.

    17. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    18. TT

      And then you have to go on stage and you're kind of like just frantic, this, this frantic energy all day. And so when you hit like 10:00 PM and you're back in a car or in a hotel room, it's so nice-

    19. JS

      Yeah

    20. TT

      ... to just finally be still-

    21. JS

      Yeah

    22. TT

      ... and quiet and not have anybody looking at you.

    23. JS

      Yeah.

    24. TT

      You're like, "Oh, everyone was looking at me for a long time." I mean, I have really strange moments where I almost feel like I'm like outside of my body on stage where sometimes I'm like, I'm, everyone, there's 1,500 people here just sitting-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. TT

      ... quietly-

    27. JS

      Yeah

    28. TT

      ... looking at me-

    29. JS

      Yeah

    30. TT

      ... while I talk. Like, do you have that ever-

  12. 1:11:22 – 1:17:02

    Being open about your mental health

    1. JS

      with that. How do you find that? Because you mentioned earlier, obviously in the new special you speak about bipolar and you speak about mental health, uh-

    2. TT

      Mm

    3. JS

      ... a lot more in your work. You, but you've been doing mental health work, so I'm, so at least, and I don't want to assume anything, I'm asking, it sounds like comedy to you is not an outlet or a, a healing tool or a, or a expressive tool. I guess it's more of an expression tool than it is a healing tool.

    4. TT

      Yeah, you know-

    5. JS

      Does that feel... Yeah, sorry if I'm messing up the question, but-

    6. TT

      No, no, no, not at all. I think, what's funny is I think maybe I used to think it was a healing tool.

    7. JS

      Yeah.

    8. TT

      Not in that this is where I talk about it, but I think I thought that if I could make fun of something-

    9. JS

      Yeah

    10. TT

      ... or turn something into a joke-

    11. JS

      Yeah

    12. TT

      ... then that would be the same as me getting over it.

    13. JS

      Right.

    14. TT

      Like, that's dealt with-

    15. JS

      Right

    16. TT

      ... because it's a joke now.

    17. JS

      Yeah.

    18. TT

      Like, I turned this into my career.

    19. JS

      Yeah.

    20. TT

      This has turned into something that's gonna make me money.

    21. JS

      Yeah.

    22. TT

      So now it's not a bad thing that happened to me, it is an experience that I turned into something that other people enjoy and, you know, that I think in that way I thought I was healing.

    23. JS

      Yeah.

    24. TT

      But in going to therapy consistently and seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist and, and recognizing that just because you know something about yourself-

    25. JS

      Mm-hmm

    26. TT

      ... doesn't mean you've dealt with it-

    27. JS

      Yeah

    28. TT

      ... completely.

    29. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    30. TT

      Like, I was so upset when I figured out that knowing something logically-

  13. 1:17:02 – 1:24:43

    Taylor on Final Five

    1. JS

      Uh, we end every On Purpose episode with a Final Five, which is meant to be a fast five, which I always ruin because I get intrigued. [laughs]

    2. TT

      [laughs]

    3. JS

      But I will try and do it fast with you. So these are five questions that have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.

    4. TT

      Ooh, okay.

    5. JS

      Uh, and I will ruin it. So-

    6. TT

      [laughs]

    7. JS

      ... it's, it's, it's my job to ruin it, and you pretend and try and stick to the rules.

    8. TT

      Okay. All right.

    9. JS

      Okay. So question number one is what is the best advice you've ever received?

    10. TT

      You can always change your mind.

    11. JS

      Nice. That's a, that's a great piece. We've never had that. That's a great piece of advice. All right.

    12. TT

      Nice. I found a new one.

    13. JS

      Yeah, you did.

    14. TT

      [laughs]

    15. JS

      Yeah, that's, that's a great... I love that. What's the worst piece of advice you've ever received?

    16. TT

      If you take time off, everyone might forget about you.

    17. JS

      Wow, that's so good too.

    18. TT

      That's bad.

    19. JS

      I love these. We've never had that either.

    20. TT

      I know.

    21. JS

      That's great.

    22. TT

      That's not great. That's-

    23. JS

      Yeah

    24. TT

      ... that really, I just remember that 'cause it really tapped into, like, the workaholic in me-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. TT

      ... that I've always-

    27. JS

      Yeah

    28. TT

      ... I've, not always, but I've really tried to move away from.

    29. JS

      Yeah.

    30. TT

      So the idea that somebody would say my worst fear out loud [laughs] was just-

Episode duration: 1:24:44

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