By playing, you agree to uListen's Terms and Privacy Policy and YouTube's Terms of Service.

Jay Shetty Podcast

The 3 KEY SIGNS That Relationship Will Last! (How To Find Love) | Lewis Howes & Jay Shetty

Why do some people stay in a relationship? People stay because they are in love obviously – but sometimes people stay because it’s convenient and they don’t want to waste the time they’ve already spent with that person.

Jay ShettyhostLewis Howesguest

Jul 29, 202256mWatch on YouTube

Summaries, chapters, transcripts, and FAQs on this page are made by uListen, not YouTube.

Great conversations run long. Their best ideas don't have to.

uListen is free on iPhone, iPad, Android, Chrome, and Claude.

CHAPTERS

Jump to publisher timestamps

Chapter summaries

Can you love one person for life? Setting up Awkward Therapy
Jay Shetty introduces the Awkward Therapy format and the central question of whether you can be exclusive with and love one person for life. Lewis Howes encourages viewers to share the conversation with someone and discuss it.
- •Jay frames the series as uncomfortable conversations between two non-therapists
- •The opening question is whether you can be exclusive with one person for your entire life
- •Viewers are encouraged to share the episode with one person and set a time to discuss it
- •Lewis lists real-world complications such as moving, exes, Instagram distractions and polyamory
Real love versus the movies, and how desire evolves
Jay explains how he grew up as a hopeless romantic shaped by movies and later found that love looks different in a long relationship. He says you must define what love means to you, and both men discuss how desire deepens rather than fades.
- •Jay believed in 'the one' because of movies and music
- •Defining love only as attraction and infatuation leads to wanting a new person regularly
- •Lewis distinguishes conscious, healthy desire from explosive desire that comes from trauma bonding
- •Jay says desire deepens and evolves rather than disappearing
The chase, the conquest and building on values
Jay and Lewis reflect on the thrill of pursuit in their earlier lives and why it never gave lasting fulfillment. Lewis points to Jay's start with Radhi, grounded in stated values and vision, as a model of conscious conversation.
- •Jay got joy from the chase and conquest until about 21, driven by wanting to prove his worth
- •Lewis compares the chase to an addictive drug that never produced a foundation of values
- •Jay says people who love the chase need a new person every month and must choose what life they're signing up for
- •Both new dating and long-term partnership have gifts and pain points
Why people stay too long, and starting a relationship in therapy
Jay says you don't have to love one person for life and that institutions pressure people to see ending a marriage as failure. Lewis explains why shame keeps people in relationships and describes starting therapy with Martha before any problems arose.
- •Jay says people shouldn't be forced to believe there is only one person
- •Lewis says shame and guilt over divorce keep people in relationships too long
- •Lewis made therapy early in the relationship a deal breaker
- •His definition of success is two independent individuals sharing their lives
Seasons of life and the problem with polyamory
Jay asks why someone in this season chooses exclusivity, arguing the choice is often subconscious. They discuss the energy cost of dating many people and why they see polyamory as not delivering peace or curing codependency.
- •Jay encourages asking what serves your vision right now
- •Lewis says juggling many relationships drains energy from health and deeper connections
- •Lewis has never met a man with consistent peace over years in polyamory
- •Jay says people may adopt polyamory to avoid facing the roots of codependency
- •Lewis feared losing excitement with one person and healed childhood scripts
Ongoing conversation instead of a lifelong promise
Jay argues marriage is an ongoing, evolving conversation rather than a fixed promise, and that big topics like kids or relocation must be discussed. Lewis shares an annual check-in idea, and Jay describes regular check-ins with Radhi.
- •Jay says a lifelong decision is a recipe for failure and views commitment as renewable
- •Avoiding conversations about kids or moving to another country is unhealthy
- •Lewis recalls Patrick Bet-David and his wife asking each year whether to do another year
- •Jay checks in with Radhi every few weeks or months and has told her when the relationship wasn't what he wanted
- •Regular conversations allow a pivot or, for some, a parting
High engagement, low attachment and growing together
Lewis shares his therapist's guidance that relationships should be high engagement and low attachment. Jay likens a long relationship to a tree that needs continued care and defines a good relationship by growth, thriving and learning rather than length.
- •Lewis does individual and joint therapy with Martha
- •Lewis was previously high engagement and high attachment, abandoning himself to make things work
- •Jay's tree metaphor: care evolves but never stops
- •Jay asks whether we are growing, thriving and learning from each other
- •Lewis compares staying in a relationship to keeping a business open
Love story vs. life story, and the limits of commitment
Lewis cites Esther Perel's distinction between a love story and a life story. Both discuss why a promise made at a young age is problematic, why no one should abandon themselves to someone who breaks commitments, and that commitment means choosing to grow together.
- •Few people may be able to be a life story rather than a seasonal love story
- •Lewis says the intention in marriage should be to stay married, but not at the cost of being abused
- •Jay criticizes making massive promises before you know yourself
- •Commitment is renewed regularly to extend growth, not years
- •Lewis says kids add challenges but independent work lets couples thrive
Inner work, timing and luck in relationships
Lewis says he couldn't have sustained a relationship in his twenties and only now feels consistent inner peace. Jay credits some maturity but also luck and Radhi's compatibility for his own relationship.
- •Doing healing work reduces reactivity and baggage in a relationship
- •Lewis says he would have messed up relationships at 25, 27 or 29
- •Jay says his early relationship involved maturity, immaturity and fortune
- •You can't be scared to look in the mirror
What Jay learned from commitment: self-validation and unseen contributions
Jay says being committed to one woman has helped him grow more than he would have otherwise. He gives examples: learning to self-validate and recognizing emotional and spiritual contributions.
- •Committed partnership removed the option of finding validation elsewhere
- •Not getting every need met by one person trains you to go inward
- •Contributions to a relationship include emotional and spiritual ones, not just financial or household
- •Quick fixes from new partners would have stopped Jay's growth
Removing sexual chemistry early to see clearly
Lewis describes deciding to delay sexual chemistry with Martha so he could see her fully. Jay adds that chemicals after sex create false closeness, linking it to his monk training in celibacy for clarity.
- •Lewis asked whether couples would still be together without sex and if they could share 10,000 meals
- •Post-sex chemicals make you feel closer than you really are
- •Jay's monk celibacy was aimed at mental clarity and better decisions
- •Many people have stayed in bad relationships because the sex was good
- •Removing it early helps check whether behavior matches words and values align
Loneliness, enjoying your own company, and independence in love
Lewis says many people enter relationships out of loneliness and describes learning to take himself on dates, meeting Martha when he was happy alone. Jay and Lewis then discuss why couples need independent time and the space between togetherness.
- •Lewis learned to enjoy his own company before entering a relationship
- •Needing a relationship to feel complete is a foundation of struggle
- •Jay says spending all your time together stalls independent growth
- •Lewis cites Esther Perel, Rob Bell and Yo-Yo Ma on harmony being in the space between
- •Long-lasting couples often keep time with friends and separate activities
Shared activities and serving together
Jay says couples who choose one person should know what they enjoy doing together and have a purpose beyond each other. Lewis adds that couples who serve together stay together and mentions the stages of relationship in Jay's upcoming book.
- •Jay and Radhi found they love active experiences such as workshops, hikes and trekking
- •Jay and Lewis's friendship values are fun, fitness and friendship
- •The goal should be how to serve together, not just how to stay together
- •Lewis describes stages from dating to commitment to marriage to service
Values, peace and loyalty: choosing your season
Both agree that dating widely and committing are both valid depending on values and season. Lewis values peace and says he has never met an older man at peace with multiple partners, while Jay values purpose, history and loyalty.
- •Matthew Hussey's idea: dating many people can eliminate who isn't the one
- •Jay says singlehood and relationships are different ways of learning
- •Lewis values inner peace and mental clarity
- •Jay values history and loyalty, like long friendships and being with Radhi through broke times
- •Lewis values intimacy and having someone to celebrate with
Closing calls to action
Lewis and Jay wrap up by asking viewers to share the episode, discuss the question with someone and leave comments about their values. Jay asks listeners to consider what they value in relationships right now.
- •Lewis asks viewers to ask someone whether you can be with one person for life
- •Jay asks what your current relationship value is and what it requires
- •Viewers are invited to suggest topics for future episodes
- •Jay encourages people to have their own awkward conversation

Publisher timestamps

Get more out of YouTube videos.

Read along on your phone, search it beside the video, or ask your favorite AI app what was said.