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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

The 3 KEY SIGNS That Relationship Will Last! (How To Find Love) | Lewis Howes & Jay Shetty

Why do some people stay in a relationship? People stay because they are in love obviously – but sometimes people stay because it’s convenient and they don’t want to waste the time they’ve already spent with that person.

Jay ShettyhostLewis Howesguest
Jul 29, 202256mWatch on YouTube

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At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Can You Love One Person Forever? Jay and Lewis Debate

  1. Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes argue that Hollywood-style love and early chemical desire differ from lasting love, which rests on shared values, vision, and conscious conversations.
  2. Both say a lifelong promise made once is fragile, and that couples should renew their commitment through regular check-ins about whether they are growing, thriving, and learning together.
  3. Lewis describes starting therapy with his girlfriend Martha before problems arose, and says healthy relationships are high engagement and low attachment, with each person doing individual work and keeping independence.
  4. They discuss removing sexual chemistry early in a relationship, entering relationships from fullness rather than loneliness, and why polyamory is not a cure for codependency or trauma.
  5. They conclude that the choice between single life and commitment should follow personal values such as peace, purpose, or loyalty, and that lasting couples find a shared purpose by serving others together.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Define what love means to you

Jay says that if love means attraction and infatuation, you will likely want a new person every month or year. He says desire does not fade so much as deepen into something else.

Lifelong promises are less useful than ongoing renewal

Jay argues a relationship thrives because a couple renews their commitment daily, weekly, and monthly to extend growth, not the years together. Lewis cites a couple who ask each year whether they want to do it for one more year.

Judge a relationship by growth, not length

Jay defines a good relationship as one where you are growing together, thriving together, and learning from each other. Lewis compares this to a business you would close if it stopped growing.

Start with conscious conversations and therapy before problems

Lewis began therapy with Martha early and shared his values, vision, and past mistakes up front. Jay says he and his wife established awkward conversations early, which keeps them easy to have.

Remove sexual chemistry early to see clearly

Lewis delayed sexual chemistry in his current relationship so he could assess the person's values and behavior. Jay adds that post-sex chemicals can make you feel closer than you are, clouding decisions.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

You don't get to have an amazing relationship with someone because of a promise or a commitment. You get to do it because you renew that promise and commitment on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you wanna extend the years you've been together, but because you wanna extend the growth.

— Jay Shetty

I think making a lifelong decision is a recipe for failure.

— Jay Shetty

There's no external shell that's going to solve your internal trauma and pain. So whether you're with one person or whether you're with three or two or four people, neither of those are the cure.

— Jay Shetty

I think that the challenge we've created in society is that we believe that a long relationship is a successful one, and really my definition of a relationship is are we growing together, are we thriving together, and are we learning from each other?

— Jay Shetty

The goal of your relationship can't be, how do we stay together? Like, the goal of the relationship is, how do we serve together?

— Jay Shetty

Read the available transcript
Movie fantasy versus real loveDesire, the chase, and chemistryStarting a relationship in therapyRegular check-ins and renewing commitmentPolyamory and codependencyHigh engagement, low attachmentValues-based choices and shared purpose

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SPEAKERS

  • Jay Shetty

    host

    Host of the On Purpose podcast and author of Think Like a Monk, focused on personal growth and relationships.

  • Lewis Howes

    guest

    Host of The School of Greatness podcast and interviewer/author focused on self-improvement and relationships.

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