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Jay Shetty Podcast

WORLD LEADING THERAPIST Answers The Biggest Questions People Ask In Therapy | Lori Gottlieb

Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, and advice columnist.

Lori GottliebguestJay Shettyhost

Aug 28, 20231h 10mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

When a Friend Wants Friendship but Others Want Romance
Jay Shetty describes a friend whom men pressure toward romance even though she wants friendship. Lori Gottlieb says to state the boundary plainly and ask whether the other person can respect it, and notes that arguing over how you feel is a sign of an unhealthy friendship.
- •Caring about someone without being romantically interested is a common, universal struggle
- •People fear hurting the other person and lose sight of what they need from the friendship
- •Gottlieb suggests asking whether the person wants to be friends on those terms, which includes believing what you say
- •If you find yourself arguing with someone about how you feel, that's not a great friendship
Why Hard Conversations Belong in Person, Not Text
Gottlieb explains that conversations carried out over text drag on for days and are harder than talking face to face. She introduces her image of relationships as cement that sets early, and describes how to move a texting pattern into in-person talks.
- •Clients often text about an issue for days instead of having a face-to-face conversation
- •Protecting yourself by texting is paradoxical; in-person conversations go better
- •Relationship patterns harden early like cement, so raise issues at the beginning
- •To shift later, suggest talking in person and see whether the other person shows up
Understanding the Roots of Social Anxiety
Jay brings up audience questions about social anxiety at events and in groups. Gottlieb traces it to childhood stories that get projected onto adult relationships, and recommends rewriting the story and testing it in small steps.
- •Relational issues are often childhood issues in disguise
- •Social anxiety often centers on the fear of not being liked or loved
- •The stories we were told about ourselves reflect the storyteller, not the truth
- •Experiment with small settings, like one friend or a group of three, before bigger ones
- •Jay shares that he prefers one deep conversation to working a room
Curiosity and Better Questions for Connecting
Gottlieb and Jay discuss tools for starting conversations, centering on genuine curiosity about the other person. They favor questions like where someone grew up over questions about work, which can feel like networking or add pressure.
- •Anxious people often feel they must be entertaining, but curiosity is a real way to relate
- •People like it when you show interest in them
- •Everyone feels anxious, so cold behavior may be discomfort rather than dislike
- •Ask about where someone grew up or how they know the host, not about their job
Ambition Mismatch and Choosing the Right Deal Breakers
Responding to a question about a partner who seems insufficiently ambitious, Gottlieb says you don't choose a partner a la carte. She argues for letting go of deal breakers research says don't matter and holding higher standards on character, emotional stability and flexibility.
- •Trying to change someone is doomed, though you can ask how to support someone working on their own growth
- •The paradox of choice makes people fear settling
- •Emotional stability and flexibility are the two key predictors Gottlieb names
- •Responsibility, following through, behavior under stress and humor are meaningful deal breakers
- •Ask who you enjoy spending time with and feel safe with
Red Flags, Triggers and Dancing the Same Dance
Jay and Gottlieb discuss how early relationship months show the "ambassador" version of a person, and why you should listen to everything a partner tells you. Gottlieb stresses willingness to take responsibility and describes how partners co-create patterns and can soothe each other's childhood triggers.
- •In the first three months you're the ambassador of you
- •Listen to and ask about what partners reveal, including about parents and wanting kids
- •Look for willingness to show up, apologize and bring things up
- •Avoidance is often a dance both partners are doing
- •Avoid binary thinking; small gestures like a hand on the arm can calm a trigger
What Boundaries Really Are and How to Hold Them
Gottlieb explains that a boundary is about what you will do, not what the other person must do, and that it must be held consistently. They discuss examples such as a father asking about marriage and Jay's family commenting on his days left in London.
- •A boundary decides your own action, not the other person's
- •Boundaries need maintenance every single time or they weaken
- •Breaking our own boundaries to seem caring invites others to cross them
- •A couple's example involved unpacking what a trigger about weight was really about, and small daily flirtations helped
Boundaries as a Way to Get Closer
Gottlieb uses the aquarium analogy to say every relationship has boundaries, and that setting one expresses a wish for closeness. Jay adds that explaining why you set a boundary and sharing it vulnerably makes it more powerful, and a friendship example shows how it was misread as rejection.
- •Every relationship is a boundaried relationship; aim for an aquarium, not a fishbowl or an ocean
- •A boundary says I want to be closer to you
- •Sharing a boundary is a vulnerable, intimate disclosure
- •Explain why you're setting it rather than just announcing it
When You're the One Carrying the Torch in a Relationship
Jay asks what to say to people exhausted from driving growth and boundaries in a relationship. Gottlieb asks why they keep trying so hard, points to repetition compulsion rooted in childhood, and notes the other possibility that a controlling partner leaves no room for the other.
- •Ask why you stay and how this is serving you
- •Repetition compulsion: trying to win with someone what you couldn't win as a child
- •The way to win is to grieve what you didn't get and find it in someone without trying to change them
- •Self-excavation is needed to check whether you are the controlling or evangelical one
Money, Gender Roles and Earning More Than a Partner
Jay describes a woman who earns more than her partner, which triggers him. Gottlieb says couples should explore what money represents emotionally rather than just making a budget, and Jay shares how he and his wife keep revisiting the topic.
- •Money can represent self-esteem, acceptance, love, power or lack of power
- •Couples talk about content, like budgets, instead of how they feel about money
- •Explore the messages about money and gender roles from each partner's upbringing
- •Jay says money conversations need resetting as circumstances change
How to Prepare for Difficult Conversations
Jay asks how to sit in discomfort and prepare for uncomfortable conversations. Gottlieb recommends starting with kindness and curiosity toward yourself and the other person, treating it as a dialogue, and holding hands, and she shares a mother and daughter who changed a 25-year fight.
- •Raising something uncomfortable honestly is the kindest thing you can do
- •Go in open, generous and curious rather than with an agenda
- •Make it a dialogue, not a monologue, and invite the other person's perspective
- •Holding hands calms the nervous system and opens people to vulnerability
- •Many problems are more fixable than people think
How Do You Know If You're Settling?
Responding to an audience question, Gottlieb says to ask whose voice is telling you what a partner should be, and to consider what compromises the other person makes for you. She concludes that the key question is how you feel with this person.
- •Separate your voice from your family's and culture's voices
- •People treat dating like shopping, but partners can't be ordered a la carte and neither can you
- •Love means being loved despite annoying traits, not loving them
- •If you enjoy their company and feel heard, understood and safe, you're not settling
- •Jay suggests zooming out across physical, financial, mental, emotional and spiritual areas, and Gottlieb suggests describing the relationship from the partner's view
Pursuing a Dream Job Without Leaping All at Once
Jay brings up someone who lost her job and wants to try comedy. Gottlieb says change doesn't have to be binary, and asks whether you're moving toward something or escaping from something; Jay favors incremental change, and they link this to leaving relationships too quickly.
- •You can pursue a dream while keeping your current job
- •Jay prefers experimenting, interning and shadowing over an all-in jump
- •Ask whether you are moving toward something or escaping
- •Look for practical lessons in the place you want to leave
- •Rushing out of a relationship can repeat the same problems
Journaling as a Self-Help Tool
Jay asks why journaling matters, and Gottlieb explains her new 52-week journal and why therapy's work happens outside the session. They discuss morning and bedtime journaling, noticing patterns like the angry or smiling partner, and tracking growth over time.
- •Seeing thoughts written down differs from thinking them, and no one is judging
- •Insight is useless unless put into action during the week
- •Journaling in the morning or before bed clears the mind
- •It can reveal patterns such as avoidance or holding anger for both partners
- •Jay says it works as a marker to measure growth
The Stages of Change and Self-Compassion
Gottlieb describes the stages of change from her book, running from pre-contemplation to maintenance, and says slipping back doesn't mean failure. She suggests using a journal to speak to yourself with compassion and accountability.
- •Pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance
- •Maintenance is the most important stage and includes slips like in Chutes and Ladders
- •Slips mean you're human, not that you failed
- •Being kind to yourself helps you be more accountable
- •Jay notes that on the page you can edit how you talk to yourself
Getting Over a Difficult Breakup
Jay asks about a breakup that felt out of the blue and left no closure. Gottlieb frames it as grief, walks through the stages as they appear in breakups, and says to feel the loss, avoid unhelpful stories, and avoid punishing a new partner for an old one's actions.
- •Breakups are grief, and the stages aren't sequential
- •You lose the past, the daily intimacy and the imagined future
- •Let yourself feel the grief and don't let others downplay it
- •If the other person doesn't want to be with you, you're not compatible
- •Carry both hope and caution into the next relationship

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