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The Jefferson Fisher Podcast5 Phrases You Must Use to Sound Confident & Undisturbed During Conflict | Jefferson Fisher
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Stay calm in conflict using voice control, timing, and framing questions
- Refusing to raise your voice (staying at a “1–3” while they’re at a “10”) often pulls the other person’s volume down and signals self-control.
- Injecting time—especially by letting your breath be the first “word” and slowing your pace—regulates your emotions and helps the other person’s nervous system settle.
- Using “no-oriented” questions (e.g., starting with “Are you opposed…?” or “Is it unreasonable…?”) de-escalates better than demanding “Calm down,” because people resist “yes” and default to “no.”
- Healthy repair after conflict comes from taking ownership (“That was not my best self”), using timeouts with clear timeframes, and framing conversations with a shared goal and buy-in.
- Long-term relationship conflict improves when you align conversations with personal values (e.g., “Where there is room for kindness, I will use it”), seek curiosity over defensiveness, and avoid making small issues your “Alamo.”
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasDon’t match their intensity; refuse to raise your voice.
Escalating volume turns conflict into a dominance contest and rewards the yeller with control; staying calm often forces a mirror response or exposes their overreaction.
Use your breath to create distance between stimulus and response.
A deliberate inhale/exhale before speaking injects time so your logical brain can lead, reduces fight-or-flight, and makes your words more intentional.
Slow speech is a power move that makes you sound centered.
A slower cadence communicates control and steadiness, while fast repetition (“I already told you…”) signals grasping for control and intensifies the conflict.
Ask questions designed to elicit “no” to lower defensiveness.
Phrases like “Are you opposed to talking in a normal tone?” or “Is it unreasonable to ask us not to yell?” are easier for them to accept and often reduce yelling without a direct command.
Validate perspectives with “I can see…” and clarify with “What did you hear?”
“I can see how you’d feel that way” acknowledges their viewpoint without conceding fault, and “What did you hear?” surfaces misinterpretations that fuel repeat arguments.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesWhen somebody's yelling at you, one of the worst things you can do is start to turn up the volume on your voice.
— Jefferson Fisher
There is one thing that will help regulate people's emotion more than anything there is, and that is time.
— Jefferson Fisher
When, when they come together, a very open way of starting to just make a runway for the other person to, to come together with you is to say, "That was not my best self."
— Jefferson Fisher
The person you see is rarely the really the person you're talking to.
— Jefferson Fisher
You are not a target.
— Jefferson Fisher
SPEAKERS
Jefferson Fisher
hostAttorney and communication coach; host of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
