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How To Say 'No' Without Feeling Guilty | Jefferson Fisher

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Jefferson Fisherhost
May 9, 202616mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 0:22

    Why saying “no” triggers guilt—and the trap of overexplaining

    1. JF

      How do you say no without feeling guilty? Because I think the challenge we have is a lot of us wanna say no, but then we feel bad for saying no. We think, "This person gave me so much. They are trying, they're caring," and then we talk ourselves out of it, but then we just walk into a trap almost, or walk into a... And then we go, "Oh, I knew that was gonna happen. I should have said no." So how do you say no without feeling guilty?

  2. 0:22 – 0:53

    Reframing “no” as honesty in a caring relationship

    1. JF

      If you believe that the person truly cares about your wellbeing and your life, then they'd want you to say no if you need to say no. Uh, imagine if that's the relationship you thought you had, that they were always worried about your feelings, that they actually weren't being real with you. And now what kind of relationship is it if you can't be authentic enough to actually share your, your mind? Saying no is, is very difficult, depending on the context, no doubt. What I

  3. 0:53 – 1:53

    Lead with the no: stop cushioning and stop using “but”

    1. JF

      strive for when it comes to telling people no is to lead with the no first. Like, let's say I needed to invite you to something, or let's say you needed to invite me to something, and what do most people say? "Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I appreciate it. I'd love to, um, but I can't. You know, I have all this stuff. I'm so busy. I have..." And, you know, it's, it's almost like, "Hey, look, if you couldn't go, just say you couldn't go."

    2. JF

      Yeah.

    3. JF

      "I don't need all this extra."

    4. JF

      Yeah, yeah.

    5. JF

      Now it just sounds inauthentic-

    6. JF

      Yeah

    7. JF

      ... that you've given me so much. Because why? They're afraid that you're gonna be disappointed by that. Start with the no first. "I can't make it. Thank you for inviting me. I can't make it. Thank you so much." And rather than, "I'd love to, but I can't." But has a way of just deleting everything that has come before it. And I feel that if I need to say no to something, in my mind it's, "You want me to say no to this because I won't f- I'm not gonna be my, I'm not gonna be my best." If

  4. 1:53 – 3:18

    Use self-promises instead of excuses—and avoid the “no because” trap

    1. JF

      you really feel uncomfortable about it, then say, "I've made a promise to myself of X."

    2. JF

      [laughs]

    3. JF

      "I've made a promise to myself that I'm gonna be home more often. Made a promise to myself that I'm gonna use this hour to do X, Y, and Z." People don't argue with promises. They don't want you to break promises, including promises that you've kept to yourself. And saying no is as easy as just saying no. It's the no because that gets you in trouble. No, it's just, I, you know, it's because I have to go or feed my cat and, you know, I have this plant that I water and it's... You, you, you give up [laughs] all these excuses that end up diminishing your, your credibility rather than just saying, "Uh, I can't make it. No. No, thank you. Not for me. Can't do it." Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be as direct as you can be.

    4. JF

      I agree with you, and I d- had to do that recently as well, and you always just don't wanna let someone down and you don't wanna, you know, make them feel bad and you, and you're so right. I, I always turn to just commitments I've made to myself.

    5. JF

      Yeah.

    6. JF

      Because I think when... Because it's true. And I think you're right that when you say but, it feels like, "Well, I love that, but this is more important."

    7. JF

      It's and.

    8. JF

      Yeah, it's and.

    9. JF

      Yeah. Yeah.

    10. JF

      Yeah. And, and when it's a promise to yourself, it's, "I'm trying to keep this promise to myself," and everyone knows how hard it is to keep promises to yourself. And it's-

    11. JF

      They'll, they'll encourage you.

    12. JF

      It's a real commitment. Yeah.

    13. JF

      Mm-hmm.

  5. 3:18 – 4:49

    When they’re upset after your no: pause, let the fire burn out, respond later

    1. JF

      It's a real commitment, and it's, and when it's genuine, it really lands. What do you do when the scenario is you say no, and you do it in the best way possible, and someone's upset with you? And now you're towing this line between enabling them to make you say sorry and all this kind of stuff versus holding your standard. So someone asks you s- to come to a party or to help them out with something.

    2. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    3. JF

      You say, "No, I can't."

    4. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    5. JF

      "Kept a promise for myself that trying to spend more time at home, can't travel." Now they try and make you feel bad about it. And they're someone that you consider a real friend, and they're not even trying to make you feel bad about it. They are just upset, and they're kind of reflecting that back on you. Do you do anything? What do you do?

    6. JF

      I'd give it a rest. Sometimes fires have to burn out. And if this, if it's a true friend, let's say, and they just send this text of it's, "This is just like you never to come, and you just, I always invite you, and you're always late," and it's... Let that die out because when they're dysregulated, you become dysregulated, and then that's when you start saying things that you don't mean.

    7. JF

      Mm.

    8. JF

      And saying things that are not gonna help the situation. So give it five minutes before you choose to respond. In fact, if you can, wait until the very next day, 'cause time has a way of sifting things out of what you need to respond to, and you're also giving them some, a little bit of grace of saying, "I know they're upset." Imagine if I, instead of getting upset with you of everything you said, I looked at it and go, "Man, Jay's stressed out."

    9. JF

      [laughs]

  6. 4:49 – 5:29

    Hold the line: disappointment is okay; disrespect isn’t

    1. JF

      If they're a true friend, "Hey, I, I know you didn't mean that. I know you just, you're overwhelmed. You're overwhelmed." Later on, let's say a day passes, two day passes, that's when you need to say, "Your words are not okay with me. What you just sent is below my standard for a response."

    2. JF

      Mm.

    3. JF

      You need to be able to, to tow that line of saying that, "No, I'm not gonna, ig- I'm not gonna accept that kind of behavior. It's okay to be disappointed, and it's not okay to talk to me like that."

    4. JF

      Mm.

    5. JF

      Like you have to be able to, to choose in conversation, same with boundaries, what am I going to accept? What am I gonna say absolutely not?

    6. JF

      Mm.

  7. 5:29 – 6:09

    Boundary language that works: make it about what you accept, not what they must do

    1. JF

      Absolutely not. It's, it's the difference of if you were to yell at me or raise your voice at me, if I had no boundary, it would sound like, "Y- you can't yell at me. Really? You think you can yell at... You c- who you... Do you think you know who you're talking to? You can't yell at me." Versus if I have boundaries, I say, "I don't accept people to speak to me that way. I don't respond to that volume." Now it's, it's become a me thing, nothing that you can do. And now I've, I've controlled, I'm controlling the conversation. Now I'm taking it back. So if it's a friend, if it's a true friend, they ought to know what you really meant at that moment- And again, this talks about the capacity-

    2. JF

      Yeah

    3. JF

      ... for letting somebody show you they're messy.

  8. 6:09 – 7:17

    Expect pushback early: people notice when you stop being endlessly available

    1. JF

      Yeah. I know for a fact that as soon as I started living by some of this, my life just totally transformed. You just... And people actually started to respect, at least the ones that love you and are cl- actually-

    2. JF

      Yeah

    3. JF

      ... close to you, started to really respect that honesty, and started to really engage with it in a much more meaningful way, where they weren't upset when you were honest because they saw you were always honest.

    4. JF

      Right.

    5. JF

      And you were always real. And all of a sudden it wasn't surprising anymore, whereas in the beginning when you first start-

    6. JF

      Yeah

    7. JF

      ... setting boundaries, people will be like, "Oh, wait a minute. You used to always be available. Now you're not available?"

    8. JF

      Yeah, absolutely.

    9. JF

      And, and people have this reaction where like, "Hey, wait a minute. W- how do you have plans on a Saturday night? I'm the one who makes plans for us on a Saturday night."

    10. JF

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    11. JF

      And then over time people go, "Oh yeah, that's just who you are now."

    12. JF

      Yes.

    13. JF

      And I think a lot of us go through these transitionary moments in our life where we go from having no boundaries to having boundaries.

    14. JF

      Yes.

    15. JF

      We go from having no standards to having standards.

    16. JF

      Yeah.

    17. JF

      And when you get caught in the middle, people always point it out, and it feels really painful because you are going from someone who is never organized to being organized.

    18. JF

      Right.

    19. JF

      But now over time, people tend to respect and forget.

  9. 7:17 – 8:41

    A key principle: if a boundary upsets someone, it may be working

    1. JF

      If someone is upset at your boundary, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. It means that it's working. It's doing the very thing that you have the boundary in place to do. That, that discomfort that you feel, welcome. Welcome it, because that's you choosing to do something different, and always that moment will pass. Discomfort, temporary discomfort for long-term peace, sign me up.

    2. JF

      [laughs]

    3. JF

      Yeah, sign... Where, where can I sign up?

    4. JF

      Yeah.

    5. JF

      And, and if you can understand that those moments of discomfort get quicker-

    6. JF

      Mm-hmm

    7. JF

      ... and get quicker, and they... and all of a sudden they become expected, and it's not a bad thing. You know, you know how many times as an attorney I've heard arguments between two people, or I've made arguments and it's nothing. When it's these huge knockdown drag outs because I've seen a lot of it. It's not like I'm gonna be, "Oh my gosh, they're yelling. Oh my God, I..." You know, "I'm... We're in this argument," because you've seen a lot of it. ER doctors, you know how many things they've seen? And then if you were to come with a scrape for them, they're like, "Oh, okay, this is, this is nothing."

    8. JF

      [laughs]

    9. JF

      The, the small things become nothing, and that's what you have to remember. It's, it's, it's working a different muscle. And so whenever you feel that angst, take it as a sign for good-

    10. JF

      Mm

    11. JF

      ... that you're choosing to do something different. Why? When you work out and you feel sore, "Oh, I'm okay. I'm growing." That's the sore.

    12. JF

      Yeah.

    13. JF

      It's, it's you using a different muscle that's gonna better your life.

  10. 8:41 – 9:44

    Handling parental judgment: why it happens and why it hurts

    1. JF

      One of the biggest interactions people experience with their parents is feeling judged. So a lot of the communication that parents have if people don't have great relationships or even if they do, is judgment. Like, it may even be in their tone. "Oh, did you see what so-and-so's doing? Like, they just, you know, got married or they got a new promotion."

    2. JF

      Yeah.

    3. JF

      Or, or it may just be like, "Oh, are you, are you still with that same guy?" Like, are you... You know?

    4. JF

      Right.

    5. JF

      And it's... And I think this feeling of judgment is the opposite of understanding.

    6. JF

      Yes.

    7. JF

      When you judge someone, it's saying, "I already know you. I, I'm already seeing you a certain way-

    8. JF

      Yes

    9. JF

      ... and I'm not gonna let you show me who you are."

    10. JF

      Right.

    11. JF

      "I'm projecting my viewpoint onto you." So it's so hard.

    12. JF

      Right.

    13. JF

      And people struggle to communicate that with their parents because we say things like, "Well, will you just leave me to do my thing and will you just stop?" Like, you know. And then the parent goes, "Hey, I'm just trying to look out for you. I'm trying to do what's best for you." And you're like, "Yeah, but..." How do we set boundaries with people that we love and we know love us, but we can't keep feeling that judgment?

  11. 9:44 – 11:01

    Boundaries with parents: limit time, limit topics, and translate judgment into care

    1. JF

      Different level of boundaries that need to be applied. One is the boundary of time and space. If it's something that's really bad, I'm not gonna be at the family reunion for four hours. I'm gonna go say hi and leave when I need to leave.

    2. JF

      Distance is okay.

    3. JF

      Yeah, distance is okay if that's what's required for you. Certain topics of conversation not gonna be in the cards for you, and that's okay. The second is, at least if you can acknowledge that for parents, now that I am one, judgment is a poor way of showing love and care. That's, that's the deeper rooted feeling-

    4. JF

      Mm

    5. JF

      ... is I, I desperately want to make sure you're okay. I desperately-

    6. JF

      Say that again.

    7. JF

      Yeah.

    8. JF

      Say that again because that is so good.

    9. JF

      That judgment is a very poor substitute for love and care because that's the deeper need. Well, shouldn't you... You know, you, you really should do this. You really should do... Haven't you seen what so-and-so is doing? It's, it's deep care for you and how you are. Even though it's, it's what they would want, it doesn't mean that matches what you want. And that's, that's the major riff right there, is if you can set aside what they're saying and instead hear the value. So

  12. 11:01 – 13:57

    Use a value-based script: ‘I can tell ____ is important to you’

    1. JF

      let's apply this to the same framework. Rather than responding to what we are interpreting as the judgment, and instead we respond to the value, the need, the care, the love for you, all of a sudden our response becomes different. So if, let's say somebody brings something up at a family dinner that you know is just, it's, it's a time bomb. They just th- they've now exposed this. "Okay, I guess we're having this conversation. Okay, everybody, I guess we're having this conversation now." Right? Instead of that, you use the framework of, "I can tell blank is important to you," and insert that blank into whatever category you're talking about. "I can tell that my wellbeing is very important to you. I can tell that the kids and how I raise the kids is really important to you. I, I can tell that the kids are important to you. I, I can tell that my financial sec- my security, my... is important to you." And all of a sudden what they were judging about kind of goes away. I mean, m- mothers will worry you to death. They wouldn't be a mother if they didn't.

    2. JF

      [laughs]

    3. JF

      Yeah. I mean, th- they wouldn't be doing their job, so to speak, right? They, they say the, the hardest thing about parents is, is that they had parents and maybe wish, maybe they wish deep down that their parents cared. They wish their mom or dad had been as invested as they are. Now, what, what is different is when that judgment turns to demands and turns, it sours the relationship. Instead of them giving you the grace to make decisions. I think part of love of a parent is you have to allow them to make mistakes.

    4. JF

      Mm.

    5. JF

      And then, then, then you do everything else for them. And maybe with parents, it's, it's the fear of not being relied upon anymore. I now have to just let this thing float in the water, and I, I can't ever control it again. That's very scary. Maybe instead of being so upset about their judgment, you see it as something of, well, maybe they're feeling ... They don't know who they are anymore without having somebody to take care of. And maybe I just need to speak to that. Mom, Dad, hey, thank you for everything that you've poured into me. And you, when you speak to you've done everything that you can, and I know that you've done the best that you, that you can. Imagine the kind of conversations that can happen because most of the time when they, in, in my experience, when parents are nitpicking, really what they're asking for is for you to fulfill the touch, that deeper connection of I'm not doing enough for my child.

    6. JF

      Mm.

    7. JF

      And so when you can say, "Hey, you're a good mom. Hey, you're a great dad," and remind them of that, I think the conversation's always gonna go better.

  13. 13:57 – 16:13

    When it’s exhausting to be ‘emotionally mature’: choose when to engage, and use diffusers

    1. JF

      I love that. And I hear people feeling like it can just be so exhausting to have to translate what everyone is saying-

    2. JF

      Yeah

    3. JF

      ... in an emotionally mature way and then respond to them almost parenting them.

    4. JF

      Oh, no doubt.

    5. JF

      But-

    6. JF

      Yeah

    7. JF

      ... what you're saying is true, that, yes, it's exhausting. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it takes effort, but what's on the other side is so much more worthy than continuing to do what we're all doing right now, which isn't getting anywhere and isn't going anywhere.

    8. JF

      Yeah. I, I, I definitely subscribe to the mindset of what is good is worth whatever it takes.

    9. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    10. JF

      And if it, if it's not, then it's, then it's not. You might hear what I said and go, "Look, Jefferson, yeah, more power to you, man. That sounds exhausting."

    11. JF

      [laughs]

    12. JF

      "I always have to do this with my parents." I'm not saying every time. There are certain times where, no, you need to get in, get out.

    13. JF

      Yeah.

    14. JF

      They, they bring up that topic, and my favorite to use is maybe so.

    15. JF

      Yeah.

    16. JF

      I use the phrase maybe so-

    17. JF

      Yeah

    18. JF

      ... all the time. Y- they give me a piece of advice or something or you ... Maybe it's a stranger, whoever, it's, "Yeah, maybe so."

    19. JF

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    20. JF

      It has a way of just diffusing-

    21. JF

      Got it. Yeah, yeah

    22. JF

      ... everything. You've, you've acknowledged what they said. You heard it. I didn't argue with it.

    23. JF

      Yeah, yeah.

    24. JF

      Say, "Oh, may- yeah, maybe so."

    25. JF

      Yeah.

    26. JF

      "Yeah. Well, thank you."

    27. JF

      [laughs]

    28. JF

      "I appreciate that. Thank you."

    29. JF

      Yeah, I like maybe so.

    30. JF

      Yeah, may- maybe, maybe so.

Episode duration: 16:13

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