Never Say "Let Me Know If"

1. 0:00 – 3:18

   The Pressure of Saying the Right Thing

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      If you know somebody who is grieving and the first words you give them are, "Let me know if..." Like, "Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do." Listen to me, it's the wrong thing to say. In this episode, I'm gonna teach you much better things that we're gonna be able to respond to any time somebody is dealing with grief. Grief is a very hard, deep, gut sensation that is not something you get over, it's just something you get used to. And over time, um, how you communicate that can mean all the difference between growing closer in that relationship or losing it. In this episode, we're gonna have very practical takeaways and responses to give to that other person. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. This is another Car Talk. I have made an episode before on grief specifically, but I got asked to bring it back, to, to run it back. If you find anything that I give or say in this podcast is valuable, I'm gonna ask that wherever you're listening, if you would just subscribe or follow. That would mean a whole lot to me. Thank you very much. Now, specifically on the whole if you begin with, "Let me know if you need anything," when somebody is going through an episode of grief. So maybe it's... It's usually loss of a loved one. Maybe it's someo- they've lost somebody in their life. It's you've just got news that somebody has passed away or maybe a very hard, uh, traumatic event that's just, it's utter sadness. It is life-shattering. The, the examples are endless. You just get that news and you find out that it's one of your best friends or somebody that you know or somebody at work, and you don't know what to say. You get the phone and you're ready to text them or you're ready to call them, and you just hesitate because you just have this bubble in your stomach of I, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I, I wanna say something, but I, I don't know what. And maybe you start typing something on the phone, and then it doesn't sound good to you, and you're like, "I don't know if that's gonna read the right way," and you start deleting it. We've all... We, we've been there. And in this episode specifically, I'm talking to two different kinds of people. One is for those of you that are going through grief or have grieved in the past. This episode is for you to be able to help me and others understand. All right? So wherever you're listening, if you're watching on YouTube right now, I want you to comment things... After you see this episode, things that you go, "Hey, this is what I would either improve on, Jefferson," because I can always improve, uh, communication. It is something I, I continually strive for. Or it's going, "Hey, this is what helped me during this time." Cool? The second group I wanna talk to is those that have people in their life that are going through grief and they're, and you're saying, "Jefferson, I don't really know how to... I don't know what to say. I need to say something." Okay, so this is, this is where we're gonna get really into the, the nitty-gritty of it. I know what it's like to write that text message and, and start deleting it again. Here's what I need you to know. If you begin with, "Let me know if," you're, you're already sending it in the wrong direction. Let me explain. When you say, "Let me know if you need anything.

2. 3:18 – 6:30

   Why You Should Never Say Let Me Know If You Need Anything

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:18

      Let me know if there's anything I can do. Let me know if I can bring you anything," what you've done is just unburdened yourself. That's all you've done. It's... I, I... Listen to me. I know it's well-intentioned. I know that you have all the best intentions. So it's, it's, it's not a matter of your intention. It's a matter of the effect on the other person. And so when you say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," what you've done and go... You've kind of just wiped your hands and said, "Okay, well, I've, I've, I've done all I can," right? It's, it's, it's now in their hands. It's now in their box for them to, if they need anything, they'll let me know. Otherwise, I'm, I, I'm good. Right? I, I've, I've checked the box. And all the other person gets when they read it on, on top of all the other texts that they're getting in that cluster of a week, is they go, "I, I don't..." They don't even know what they want. All they know what they want, they can't get back, right? They, they, they can't... You can't give them that person back. They, they, they don't... They know what they want and it can't happen. That's, that's the grief. That's the heartbreak in that. And e- e- even if it was, "Hey, let me know if there's anything I can bring you," they don't know. They don't even want to exist most likely in that moment. And so what you do when you say, "Let me know if," you pass the burden of needs and thinking and foresight onto them to give them now a chore of not, not only just thinking of what they want, it's now having to then take the extra step for to communicate what they want, and that is hard to be able to stop. I mean, imagine right now if, if there's no grief going on in your life and, and you just... I ask you, "Uh, let me know, uh, what you want for dinner today. Let me know what you wanna eat." It's, it can be really hard. I mean, just, just that little decision. Now, you multiply that times a thousand when somebody is going through something as hard and gut-punching as grief. So instead of the, "Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if," right? Which is the condition that they now have to meet. Here's what I want you to do. Instead of the, "Let me know if," just do the thing. Whatever you were thinking of doing, do it. If you, if you can't think of anything, then don't say that in the first place. Understand that those words were some kind of a, a, a false promise in some sense, okay? Even well-intentioned. For example, imagine if instead of, "Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if I can bring you anything." You just said, "Hey, I'm bringing you dinner Thursday. Let me bring it at 5:00 or 6:00." Less choices, 5:00 or 6:00, right? Small choices. They don't have to think about it. Or you, you just take that decision away from them and say, "Hey, I'm bringing you dinner on Thursday." That's it. Or how about this? "Dinner's on..." This is Thursday evening. "Dinner's on your doorstep." That's it, right? Just do the

3. 6:30 – 8:55

   How to Show Up Without Asking for Permission

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:30

      thing. Go mow their yard. If, if it's a close friend, come in, take out their trash. You don't have to s- say anything. Come in, make a meal, clean their house, do laundry, right? Take off the, the, the menial, thoughtless tasks that you say, "I, I can, I can handle that," instead of saying, "Hey, let me know if I can come do chores at your house." You think they're gonna wanna say, "Yeah, come do chores at my house"? Right? F- find, find those opportunities to fill in the gaps that show that who you offered to be is exactly who you are, and you don't have to put that responsibility onto them. So what's the, what's the takeaway here for, for lesson number one is to come to the table with a question already answered. Like, present the answer, and that is, "I'm already gonna do this. I'm, I'm, I'm going to take out the trash. I'm going to shovel, uh, snow out of your driveway. I, I'm, I'm already going to do that. You don't even have to ask me to do it. There's no permission I have to grant." 'Cause most likely that other person i- is... They c- they can't... They don't even wanna get off the floor. And when you can come and just sit with them and not have to worry about, like, you know, "Do I have to ask for anything? Do you, you..." You know. "You didn't tell me," take that all off the table. What you communicate in action is going to speak more than anything that you can say in, in words, especially in times of grief. So instead of let me know if, just go and do the thing. Give them less choices. You see how let me know if you need anything opens it up to everything? Even if you were just like, I don't know, Chinese takeout or, um, you know, fajitas tonight. Give them two options. Better yet, just choose. If you know their kids are... You know, love butter noodles, bring a big tub of butter noodles. You get... Do you hear what I'm saying? Take off the burden. I know what you're doing is, is well-intentioned when you say, "Let me know if you need anything." It does not come out that way. That is not the result. You with me?

4. 8:55 – 11:02

   Eliminate Open Ended Questions

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:55

      Cool. Number two, eliminate the open-ended questions. Those are the questions like, "How are you doing? How are you holding up? How are things? Tell me how you're doing." Like, the, the, the open-ended questions that aren't helpful. I, I know that you mean them good. They're not helpful. Instead, all you need to say is, "I don't have the words, period. I'm here for you." Something as simple as that. Even if you were to say, "I don't have the words, period," and left it at that, that's gonna say more than a lot of other things that a- are gonna do more harm than good. I don't have the words. Short and sweet. When somebody is going through a very, um... When somebody is going through grief, a simple text of, "I don't have the words, period," will say more than anything else. I don't have the words. I'm here for you. I'm with you. Going to their house and just sitting with them and not having to say anything. Just sitting with them in that presence and holding that space is going to say so much more than things that are gonna do more harm than good. When you ask the open-ended questions, like, "How are you holding up?" What are you... W- what are they [laughs] supposed to say? What are... Really, what are they supposed to say? "Oh, you know, well, I guess I'm okay. I guess I'm not." No, they're crumbling inside. They are, they are, they are hurt inside. They feel pain. They feel anger. So much anger, so much sadness that's wrapped up in that. And to ask them how are they holding up, which i- means that they have to have and kind of create this, you know, show of strength that they don't have in that moment, is very, very difficult. Another thing that I wanna add to this is be very careful. I know this is a balance,

5. 11:02 – 14:12

   Don't Make Them Manage Your Emotions

   1. JFJefferson Fisher11:02

      all right? And you're gonna go, "I don't know about this, Jefferson." I know. Listen, there is a balance of making sure that your emotions do not become something else that they have to manage. When somebody is going through grief, be careful that your emotion does not make it all about you. All of a sudden, the bereaved person, right, the person who was married, uh, related to, the parent of, now has to be consoling you, okay? To be in that position where you, your emotions are so big and so wide, and all of a sudden you become the victim, and it's like, hold up, that was... That, this is f- This was my mom or dad, not yours, and now I'm having to, like, step in and... Now, there, there's a difference here of shared grief where you can cry with them, when you can hug them, and you can feel that, and it's empathy, and it's real, and it's raw. I am all for that. I am all for that. I, I, I have to give the I, I have to mention because I've seen it where somebody else in the fold who's connected to the family or in, uh, the friendship or whatever, th- they all of a sudden become the drama, right? And they're the ones that you now have to manage. And, and the hard thing is about that is because you become another thing to manage. You become... And they don't have the strength for that, and now they have to prop you up. I'd be very careful with that. So do not allow your emotions to become, you know, a, a, a vacuum, a vortex for the other person in grief. So I know there's a balance and I know that's tricky. It's gonna depend on a lot of things. I'm still keeping it in here because I think it's very valid. Be careful that your emotions do not absorb and try and take the spotlight of the grief that's, the grief that's happening. That does not mean... I'm not saying you don't share, cry with them, feel that empathy. That's not what I'm saying. Just, just be careful, uh, about that because why? You don't want your feelings to be another thing that they have to manage, deal with. It's, it's not gonna lead to, to anything good. So instead of these open-ended phrases like, "How are you doing?" Horrible. They're horrible. What are you... How are you ex- expecting them to respond? Instead of the open-ended phrases which, uh, put the burden on them to try and put their feelings into words at, at a very hard moment, much better to simply just say, "I don't have the words," period. And you know what? The conversation that follows, if there needs to be any that happen, are going to be much more enlightening, much more real. Much more real. So instead of these, these open-ended questions, just, "I don't have the words," period. Use short statements. "I'm here with you." Some- something as simple as that.

6. 14:12 – 16:33

   The Power of Short Consistent Messages

   1. JFJefferson Fisher14:12

      It does not have to be extravagant. "On my mind. Heavy on my mind." Imagine saying that not just within the first week, but the second week, the third week, the fourth week. You know? Ima- imagine, imagine a world where somebody texts you and says, "I'm gonna text you at this time this... every week for the next six weeks. No need to respond." Or you just do it. You don't even have to tell them that. You send a short note, a favorite memory, anything at the same time every week where you go, "You don't need to respond to this. I... This is my way of communicating to you that I am thinking about you. You are on my mind," period. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Tiny Health. We know what it's like when it seems like you're eating fine, you're exercising, you're getting enough sleep, but you still just feel off, like something inside you. Maybe you're... You feel queasy, your stomach's not right. You don't feel like you're, you're locked in. You can just go, "I just feel, I just feel off." Well, most of the time there is something else going deeper that you cannot see. What Tiny Health does, it provides an at home test for your gut because if your gut's not good, then ain't nothing good because we know what it's like when everything is just out of sorts. And so what it does is you take the test, you send it off and you get personalized, specific to you, personalized recommendation and breakdown of what all is happening. It gives you recommendations on food. What's, what's gonna be good food? What's not gonna be good food? What, what trends are they seeing? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have? Things that are specific and unique to you. And knowing that kind of data, having that rather than just trying to guess and go to the over counter and just buy a bunch of random stuff and hope that it goes away and you actually know what's happening, there is a peace of just having that kind of information. So if you're like me and want to make sure that you're making decisions based off real data rather than just guessing, I want you to go try Tiny Health. So start improving your life with real data from Tiny Health. Tiny Health is offering my listeners their most aggressive, is what they call it, offer yet. $50 off your first at-home test kit at tinyhealth.com/jefferson. That's tinyhealth.com/jefferson for $50 off, which is pretty awesome. And now

7. 16:33 – 18:04

   Why False Positivity Backfires

   1. JFJefferson Fisher16:33

      let's keep going. Number three, do not start with false positivity. There is nothing in my mind that can be more detrimental and more anger inducing when it comes to somebody who's dealing with grief than false positivity. What does that sound like? "Well, at least they're in a better place. Well, you know, all things happen for a reason." I, oh, I know that you mean well. I know that you mean well. I do. Doesn't, doesn't help. Doesn't help. Okay? Because in that moment there's nothing positive about it. There's exceptions in my mind, but for the vast majority there's no positives about it when they say, "Eh, everything happens for a reason." Really? Really? That's not how it feels right now. Now belief-wise, I'm somebody who I do believe truly that things happen for a reason. That does not mean that you need to bring that up right now. That didn't, that don't mean you need to say that at all. Okay? Instead of this false positivity that, um, is, is going to create more heartburn for the other person and, and... Because what you're doing is trying to push them away from the pain, right? You're, you're... I understand you're, you're trying to, to ease it. You're trying to soothe by pushing them away from the pain and, and point more towards positive things. It's not the time. It's not going

8. 18:04 – 25:13

   How to Lean Into Their Pain Instead

   1. JFJefferson Fisher18:04

      to work. It's gonna, it's gonna backfire. Okay? Instead of that what you do is lean into the pain more. By that I mean affirm the pain. Say, "This isn't fair." "This is terrible. Th- th- it's, this is awful. I- nobody deserves this. This is so unfair. Nobody deserves this." You, you lean into the pain. Affirm that how they're feeling is absolutely justified. Absolutely justified. So when they are down and they are just on the floor, I want you to be able to step in and send that message that says, "Nobody deserves this. This is absolutely unfair. This is, this is awful. This is horrible." Um, th- it, whatever that feeling of just suffering, they need to know that they're okay to feel that way instead of trying to push it away and make them think happy thoughts. Th- l- they need, they have to go through this grief. They have to, they have to go through it. It's, it's not, it's not linear, okay? It's gonna go up and down, and they, they have to get through it. They, they have to get through it. They're, they're just gonna get... Like I've, I've heard before, y- it's not something you get over, it's something you get used to, okay? When you, when you try to send happy thoughts, it's not gonna, it's not gonna come out that way. I need you to acknowledge and affirm their pain. "Nobody deserves this. This is, this is an absolute tragedy. I, I, I can't imagine the pain that you're in. This is an unbearable pain. I have so much anger." Right? Anything that is leaning more in to what they need to go through and affirming that how they're feeling is absolutely okay rather than trying to do happy thoughts. I will give one exception to that in my mind, and that is if somebody is... They've had a lot of pain and health problems and issues and they're, and just they've been suffering, okay? And they pass and s- and somebody says, "They're in no more pain." Like, that to me, at least they're in no more pain, that to me is okay. If, if, if you're listening and you feel otherwise, let me know. That to me is okay. I think there's some other things we could, we could do that would be probably better. I, I still think that's, that's okay because you're saying, "Hey, they're, at least they're in no more pain." But the, "At least they're in a better place," no, I don't want them... I, I want them here with me. I want them, I want them here for me. With me. Let me know if you want anything. I, I... You can't give me what I want. What I want is that person back. You know, uh, all things happen for a reason. Really, what reason is that? Because I have a million other reasons of why that shouldn't be. Be very careful of the words that you use when somebody's going through grief, because it can mean all the difference in how that relationship that you have is gonna grow, continue, preserve, and move forward. Because I promise you, I promise you, and I know this from experience, the people who show up in your grief, you remember them. You remember them. And you remember the people who just stepped into your life and just did things without asking. They just did it. They, they, they cleared your sidewalk. They took out your trash. They did your laundry. You open the door to the, to the doorbell and there's, you know, a casserole. The people who step into your life, who show up for you at no mention, no ask, that's the kind of people that you remember forever. And the people who make everything about them, and they, they just have this em- emotional tornado, and they, they ask you all these things that aren't helpful and say all these things that aren't helpful and send you all these memes, you know, or, or, you know, posts that aren't helpful, you remember that, too. So how you handle it, and I think this episode gives you a very clear guidepost on how to communicate those kinds of things, when ultimately what it comes down to is how you show up for them in some of their hardest moments, it often does not even need words. That's the beauty of connection between us humans, is often the deepest things don't even require words. I hope you took something away from this podcast episode. I know that you did. Again, if you have something to add on something that meant something to you when you were going through grief or something that you have found helpful, please share it with me and everybody. This episode was brought to you by Cozy Earth. One thing I love about Cozy Earth, and they've been a sponsor for a long time now, is that everything that they have is ultimate quality and it's made really well. And what I probably... 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This is an episode that I am confident can change relationships for the better when it comes to dealing with some of the hardest emotional feelings that we have in this world. Again, if you find anything that I have said that can be improved upon or something that you can share and give your story or two cents to this, please do. This is how we learn. All right? Thank you. Love you. Be good.

Episode duration: 25:13