At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Support grieving people by acting, not offering vague emotional help
- Saying “Let me know if you need anything” unintentionally offloads decision-making onto a grieving person who lacks the bandwidth to identify and request help.
- The recommended alternative is to take specific, concrete actions—bring a meal, do chores, handle small tasks—while minimizing choices and eliminating the need for permission.
- Open-ended questions like “How are you doing?” can pressure the bereaved to perform strength or translate overwhelming emotions into words, so short supportive statements often work better.
- Supporters should avoid making the grieving person manage their emotions; empathy is welcome, but turning your feelings into a “problem” creates an extra burden.
- False positivity (“They’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason”) often triggers anger and invalidation, while affirming the pain (“This isn’t fair”) helps people feel seen and safe.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasDon’t offer vague help—make a specific plan and follow through.
“Let me know if…” sounds supportive but forces the grieving person to identify needs, choose, and ask. Instead, do something concrete (e.g., “I’m bringing dinner Thursday—5 or 6?”) or simply drop it off.
Remove decision fatigue by limiting or eliminating choices.
Grief makes even small decisions feel impossible. Provide two simple options (time, dietary preference) or decide for them based on what you already know (kid-friendly food, their routines).
Show up without requiring permission when the relationship allows it.
If you’re close enough, handle obvious tasks—mow the lawn, take out trash, shovel snow, run laundry—so they don’t have to coordinate, host, or direct you.
Replace open-ended check-ins with short, grounding statements.
Questions like “How are you holding up?” can feel unanswerable and demand emotional labor. Try “I don’t have the words. I’m here with you,” or “You’ve been heavy on my mind.”
Be empathetic without turning your emotions into their job.
Crying with someone can be shared grief, but becoming the “emotional tornado” shifts caretaking onto the bereaved. Aim to support, not be stabilized by them.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesIf you know somebody who is grieving and the first words you give them are, "Let me know if..." Like, "Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do." Listen to me, it's the wrong thing to say.
— Jefferson Fisher
When you say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," what you've done is just unburdened yourself.
— Jefferson Fisher
So instead of the, "Let me know if," just do the thing.
— Jefferson Fisher
When somebody is going through grief, be careful that your emotion does not make it all about you.
— Jefferson Fisher
Instead of that what you do is lean into the pain more. By that I mean affirm the pain. Say, "This isn't fair." "This is terrible."
— Jefferson Fisher
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
