Stop Apologizing for Crying in an Argument

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   Crying mid-argument: the rule is silence, not apology

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      What do you say when you start to cry in an argument? I'll tell you. Absolutely nothing. Don't you dare for one second start to apologize for the fact that you're starting to cry and you're tearing up. It is exactly what your body is meant to do. And in this episode, I'm going to break down if you're the person who's tearing up, what to do and say, what not to do. And second of all, if you're the person who on the other side, somebody's starting to cry in front of you, what you can do and what not to do. It is an episode that is going to touch everybody because we're humans. And if you're human, you're going to find some value in this podcast. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you're listening and find any value and the advice that I give, I would be absolutely honored. If wherever you're listening, you can subscribe or follow. It'll take two seconds. And my promise to you is to continue to put

2. 1:00 – 2:30

   Why tears show up: tension, load, and a shrinking regulation window

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      out this type of content. Okay. When you go into that moment, all right, and I want you to picture, maybe you're at work, maybe you're in conversation with a spouse and you're talking about something that is tension filled. All right. Key word on tension. And it doesn't mean that just the content is tense. It means the room is tense. It means you're already feeling something. Maybe you came into the discussion already at 50% tension, right? Or maybe it's 80%. You've had a day. You have a lot on your plate. Somebody in your life has passed away. You had a really hard morning at the house. Maybe your kids were going crazy and people weren't being nice. And it's just, it's already 9 AM and it's been a day and you're just ready to go back to bed. You know what I'm saying? And when that happens, understand that there's this window that you have left of just to be able to regulate yourself because you're already starting to feel that pressure, that tension rise. And you get into that conversation and whether it's the content, the feeling, whatever it is, and all of a sudden physically you can tell that your eyes are starting to water. They're starting to water. And right there in the tear ducts, you can feel it and your face might get flush. Maybe you're having a hard time with your breath and you're having to swallow it down. And really because you're trying to calm yourself. What do you do

3. 2:30 – 4:01

   Don’t apologize: stop managing the other person’s discomfort

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:30

      in that moment? Here's exactly what I'm going to break down for you. For anybody who's struggling with this or if you know somebody who struggles with this and you want to be a help to them, this is the episode for you. First, I'm going to talk about what to do if that's you. You're the person who's feeling that. And two, how do you handle it when you're the other person and they start to cry in front of you? There's some do's and don'ts that we're going to talk about. Here's what I want you to do. Number one, if you start to cry in an argument, you cannot, you will not apologize. That's when you say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Oh my, oh my, I'm being ridiculous right now. Oh my gosh, please ignore me." Stop that. No, that's a no. We don't, from here forward, listen to me, from here forward, we're not going to be doing that. We're not going to be doing that. We're not going to use any of that language. When you're in front of somebody and that starts to happen, it's not, "I'm so sorry. I apologize." And you just, you feel like all of a sudden you're a puddle on the floor and you begin to have to, really what you're doing in that moment is you're trying to now manage their comfort because you're feeling like, "Oh, now they're uncomfortable and I now have committed an error and I now have to apologize for it. I've done something, my body has done something that I now have caused a grievance of their discomfort and now I have to apologize for it." That is a wrong way of thinking. Your body does this naturally. Naturally.

4. 4:01 – 5:32

   Tears as biology: a pressure-release valve, not weakness

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:01

      It is biological. It is a physiological response when you feel that come up to the top and it's releasing. And what that is, is a release. It is tension. So the higher the tension, the higher the need for release. And you know what that is? It's a wave. It's going to pass. It's going to pass. You're not going to cry forever. Those tears are not going to come out forever. I mean, I don't even like really calling it crying because to me crying is when you actually have to set aside some time to go through these emotions and process this. Most of the time those kind of conversations, it's not so much crying as it is, it's emotionally overwhelming and stimulating to the point of your tear ducts operating, doing what they're doing because your body is saying, "Hey, I feel all that tension. Let me help you. Let me just..." You know how if you have like a bottle of soda up north, they call it pop, whatever that's about. We call it down here in the South, we all call it Coke or soda, whatever. And you start to, you know that it kind of fell over on the table or whatever and it kind of got jostled around. You're opening it for the first time. And what do you make sure? You kind of like, you have to let that pressure, that air pressure out because if you don't, what's going to happen? It's just, if you open it, it's just going to, it's going to erupt. It's going to erupt and it's going to spill everywhere. Your body is protecting you from the spillover. It's saying, "Let me let out a little bit of pressure for you. Let

5. 5:32 – 7:03

   Redefining toughness: dry eyes aren’t strength

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:32

      me, I can tell that you're tense. It needs to happen." So hear me. It's not that you're weak. It's that your body is doing exactly what it's made to do. All right? I get so tired of hearing these naysayers that are like, "Oh no, if you're at work, you can never cry." Like they can't see you as weak, right? Toughness was never about dry eyes. Toughness is about your actions, your words, what you say from your chest, what you do, the next move, the next conversation. Toughness has nothing to do about how dry your eyes are. There are people in my life, men, women who When they have a show of emotion, and I've seen it, even the toughest men in my life, they show just a little bit of emotion and they have tears, I admire them more, I respect them more. I say, "Wow, they are really somebody that encompasses what it means to fully express as a human." We're humans. We're meant to be doing this. Okay. Man, I was really going on there. I was feeling, I was feeling myself for a moment. [laughs] Okay, where were we? Don't apologize. Don't apologize. You don't need to do that. Here's what I want you to do instead. Number two. Number two. Before we go to number two, actually, yeah, you're like, "Okay, Jefferson, hold up." I need to make sure that you know this. When you say the things like, uh, "I'm being ridiculous," or, "I'm so sorry," or, "Please ignore me," y- you're now calling attention

6. 7:03 – 7:34

   Why apologizing backfires: it turns tears into the main event

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:03

      to the crying rather than staying your attention on the conversation. And now the other person now kind of feels obligated in an awkward way to now talk about it of like, "Oh, no, no, you're f- you're fine. You're, you're, you're good. I mean, oh, you- do you need to stop? Do you, we need to..." And now it's become the thing you didn't want it to be, which means it's now the center of attention. The more you call attention to it, the more attention it's gonna bring. We don't want that, so instead of apologizing and commenting in a way that's gonna make

7. 7:34 – 8:34

   What to do instead: name and label the tears

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:34

      you feel less, instead, this is what I want you to do. Now we're gonna go to number two. You ready? Number two, instead of the apology for crying, I want you to name and label your tears. All right? That means you're going to say something like, "These are tired tears. These are tears that care. These are frustrated tears. These are overwhelmed tears." Just that alone, okay? Label exactly what kind of tears they are. These are grateful tears, right? These are, these are happy tears. These are sad tears. Label the emotion. Label what these tears come from, right? Way better in terms of being short, concise, of just saying, "Yep, this is what happens." W- The phrase I love to, to use, and some of you have probably already heard this, and it's worth repeating. What I love is, "This is my stress in liquid form." That's what tears are. They, they, they are your stress in liquid form. And

8. 8:34 – 9:35

   Keep going: breathe, allow a brief pause, then return to your point

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:34

      when you're able to say that to the other person and continue to go, meaning you're gonna say, "These are tired tears," meaning you can wipe them away and you just keep going. You keep talking. You keep talking. Don't, don't... If, if anything, you need to just breathe through it. Take some breaths. Be okay in five seconds of silence. You, you owe yourself at least a breath to, to compose yourself and, and continue to, to talk. Go, "No, I'm, I'm, I'm good. Keep, keep going," and, and continue on with your point or, "Where were we? All right. B- back to what I was saying," and you're, and you're on it, okay? Rather than, you know, "I just, I hate this about myself. Oh my gosh." Nope. That's, that's diverging away. We're not gonna be doing that. So name and label your tears. It is, it is something that is going to show ownership. It's gonna show emotional maturity. It's going to s- show that, "Hey, I know what my body does. This is what's happening, and you don't need to be focused on it. You continue to focus on me because what I'm saying matters." And toughness has nothing

9. 9:35 – 10:36

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:35

      to do with dry eyes. It has everything to do with what you say next. You with me? Before we get going, I need to tell you about Cozy Earth. Now, if you've been a listener of the podcast, you know that I love Cozy Earth. Why? Because everything they do is top-notch premium. I'm somebody that likes to wear not, not something that's overly, you know, fancy and also not too casual, somewhere in, in the middle, and Cozy Earth hits that for me every single time. Now, their clothing is not just amazing. It is also their pajamas. It is also their bamboo bedding, which keeps me cool at night. It is their towels. It is their house shoes, for goodness sake. My mom is crazy about their pajamas. Everything they do is good quality, and that is really hard to find, in my opinion, when you're asking for really comfortable clothes. So go to cozyearth.com. Whatever you get, it's not gonna steer you wrong. Use code Jefferson for up to 20% off. Cozyearth.com/Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for up to 20% off. And now, let's keep going. All right. Number three, if you are the person,

10. 10:36 – 11:06

    If you’re the other person: don’t console in a way that makes it worse

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:36

       if you're the person that tears come to them and you go, "Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? What I'm gonna..." And, and it feels awkward for you, here's your chance to really level up, to rise up and show yourself to be different than other people. Instead of you stopping everything and going, "Oh, are, are you, are you okay? Do, do, do you need anything?" I know you're trying to show, your intention is trying to show care and comfort, but at that point, what you don't realize is it's making it worse because it's the very thing they don't

11. 11:06 – 11:36

    Practical support without infantilizing: offer autonomy (and a tissue box)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:06

       want. That's the very thing they don't want. Don't become another thing that they have to manage. Now they have to manage your emotions and your comfort. Instead, you need to see it as something that their body does as a function, just as yours. And if you n- if you feel so inclined, feel free to grab a tissue box, but do not grab the tissue for them and don't hand it to them. Bring the box and offer it to them and they can pull the tissue, right? But you don't need to be trying to, "Oh, do you, we need to sit down? Oh, do we need to, uh, take a break?" That, that is...

12. 11:36 – 13:40

    What never to say: shaming, control, and belittlement around tears

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:36

       You're taking away the strength that they have. You, you're l- you, you're taking away their own decision, their own autonomy to choose what they need to do, all right? And, and for you to kind of say, "All right, well now you're on crutches in this conversation and now I'm gonna treat you differently," you're missing the plot, okay? So when somebody's doing that and they're tearing up, don't call any attention to it. What you definitely don't do is say, "Oh, this again? Oh, uh, really? God. Okay. Can we just talk without you crying?" You, you go, go stick your head in a, a ditch. Don't do that, all right? Don't, [laughs] don't do that, okay? They're, they're... That is not what you need to be doing. If somebody's saying, "This again. Oh, you always cry Y- you're not being a kind person. In fact, that's, that is a sense of control, that is belittlement, eh, that is everything that you do not want to be and showing any kind of empathy or respect for the other person. All right? So if you find that the other person in front of you starts to tear up, don't change what you're doing. In fact, if you can, just continue to talk as if they are not. Don't bring any attention to it. Just continue to talk normal as if they are not. If you need to, maybe talk a little bit slower if you feel that that's right for the moment. If it's, if it's something that even if you decide that the moment calls for, "Hey, I'm, I'm good if you, we wanna take a break for a moment," maybe, maybe you wanna offer that. Again, it's gonna depend on the person, c- uh, depend on the context and, and what feels right. But do not, please, do not, for me, say, "Oh, oh, okay, yeah, well, um, are, are you okay? Like, I'm, I'm... I, I can just... You know, we don't have to talk about this," and make it, make it worse. I understand it's, it's good intentioned, but usually that, that tends to make things worse. And I w- I, I do wanna say, it's not a, a

13. 13:40 – 15:11

    Edge cases: when tears are manipulative, don’t let them derail the issue

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:40

       o- one size fits all possible exceptions to every conversation where somebody is, is tearing up. Because yes, I wa- I need to include this. Yes, do some people use tears manipulatively? People do, and they learn at an early age. My daughter, my son, they definitely do that. They can work up the tears, know that it can possibly, probably get them closer to what they want, and then whoop, it dries up just like that. And there are people that maybe you're dating or you're in a relationship with that they can use tears in that way. That is all the more reason for you not to stop, time out, put on the brakes, and start to console and comfort, right? Because that's kind of what they're wanting in that moment. It is a much firmer response to continue to nod and talk and say, "I'm, I... No, it's okay. Just, just, let's, um..." You're continuing on in the conversation. You're not, and you're not allowing that to be a distraction or a break. You continue to engage in the conversation. Now, if somebody's wanting to bring up something collateral to the conversation, it's okay to say, "Hey, I'm absolutely... I, I hear that and I want to talk about that as soon as we finish this conversation." In other words, you're not letting the ta- the tears derail you, distract, or somebody's trying to, you know, really detract from the point because they're trying to use those tears in a way that are manipulative. Ah, I didn't... I...

14. 15:11 – 16:34

    Closing takeaway: tears are okay—strength is what you do next

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:11

       Fourth time, I didn't get it. Uh, [laughs] they're trying to control you in some way. So that's definitely something to, to have some discernment about. Bottom line, if you tear up in an argument or a hard conversation, there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, it is everything right about what your body is doing and what it means to express feelings as a human. You are meant to feel all feelings. All parts of you are good and fine and perfect and just as they, they should be. It is okay. It is okay. And for those who say it's makes you look weak, there, there is some history there of why they might be saying that. I can tell you for the people in my life that I've seen tears, it has only made me love them and respect them more. It is not about the tears. It is about while I'm having the tears, what I am choosing to say and my actions around it. That is what shows whether you are tough or whether you are weak. It is what-- the words you use and the actions that you take place next. That makes all the difference. So no apologizing. We're gonna label and name the tears. It's your stress in liquid form. That's it. That's all we got. Thank you for listening. All right. Try that and follow me. Be good.

Episode duration: 16:34