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The Jefferson Fisher PodcastThe Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Stop Apologizing for Crying in an Argument

What do you say when you start to cry in an argument? Absolutely nothing. In this episode, I break down exactly what to do when your emotions run high and the tears start falling during a tense conversation. We talk about why you should never apologize for crying, how to label your tears so you can keep the conversation moving, and why crying is just your body releasing tension. I also cover what to do when someone else starts crying in front of you—and why handing them a tissue or asking if they need a break is actually the worst thing you can do. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth: Go to ⁠https://cozyearth.com/Jefferson⁠ and use code JEFFERSON for up to 20% off. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/book Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/topic Join my School of Communication. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/membership Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher Follow me on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@justaskjefferson?lang=en Follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffersonfisher/

Jefferson Fisherhost
Aug 4, 202616mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Why crying during conflict is normal—and how to handle it well

  1. Crying or tearing up during tense conversations is framed as a normal physiological release of built-up stress rather than a sign of weakness.
  2. Instead of apologizing or self-deprecating, the speaker recommends calmly labeling what the tears represent (e.g., tired, frustrated, overwhelmed) and continuing the discussion.
  3. Apologizing for tears is portrayed as shifting focus away from the issue and forcing the other person to manage discomfort, which often makes the moment more awkward.
  4. For the person witnessing tears, the guidance is to avoid over-comforting, spotlighting the crying, or belittling it, and to maintain a steady, respectful conversational tone.
  5. The episode acknowledges that tears can sometimes be used manipulatively, arguing that the best response is to stay on-topic and not allow tears to function as a derailment or “time-out.”

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Don’t apologize for tearing up.

Apologizing (“I’m sorry, I’m ridiculous”) treats a natural body response as wrongdoing and pulls the conversation toward managing embarrassment instead of addressing the issue.

View tears as pressure release, not weakness.

He describes tears as “stress in liquid form,” a biological mechanism that helps prevent emotional “spillover” when tension is high.

Name and label the tears to keep dignity and momentum.

Briefly identify what they are (“tired tears,” “frustrated tears,” “overwhelmed tears”) and then continue speaking, which communicates self-awareness and emotional maturity.

Give yourself a breath and allow short silence.

A few seconds to breathe and recompose is positioned as self-regulation, not a failure; it helps you continue your point without spiraling into self-criticism.

If someone else cries, don’t make it the center of attention.

Over-checking (“Are you okay? Should we stop?”) can increase awkwardness and make them feel responsible for your comfort; instead, keep a steady tone and stay engaged.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

What do you say when you start to cry in an argument? I'll tell you. Absolutely nothing.

— Jefferson Fisher

Don't you dare for one second start to apologize for the fact that you're starting to cry and you're tearing up. It is exactly what your body is meant to do.

— Jefferson Fisher

Toughness was never about dry eyes. Toughness is about your actions, your words, what you say from your chest, what you do, the next move, the next conversation.

— Jefferson Fisher

This is my stress in liquid form.

— Jefferson Fisher

Bottom line, if you tear up in an argument or a hard conversation, there is nothing wrong with you.

— Jefferson Fisher

Tears as stress release and physiologyWhy not to apologize for cryingLabeling/owning emotions in real timeKeeping conversations on track under tensionHow to respond when the other person criesAvoiding shame, belittlement, and control dynamicsDiscernment about manipulative crying

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