The 3-Step Reset for Negative People

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why negative energy hits so hard (and what this episode will solve)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Today we are talking how to handle negative energy, that kind of energy that ruins your day, that energy that sticks in your head, that ruins your sleep, that makes you not wanna eat. What do you do with it, aside from saying, "Get away from me"? How do you handle negative energy? That's today's episode. You ready? Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication,

2. 0:30 – 1:33

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth (bath sheets and comfort routine)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      I'm gonna ask that you please follow this podcast, subscribe to it wherever you're listening, and in exchange, I can promise you that by listening and subscribing to these episodes, I'm gonna make you a better communicator. Thank you. Today's episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. One reason I love Cozy Earth, although there are many reasons, is today, their bath sheets. Yeah, bath sheets. They're not just towels. They're actual sheets, about as tall as I am. Does that sound like too much? Maybe, but it's not. They are the best. Uh, I like to actually throw them in the dryer, like for a hot second before I, uh, get them out, and it is... It's like heaven for a second. You just- You need that part of the day where it just feels nice. That's what I get. Cozy Earth makes the best bath sheets. Bed sheets, yes, but right now I'm all about their towels. So if you like hand towels, bath towels, anything like that, and you're at the age that it matters, you need to go check out Cozy Earth. cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for up to 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson.

3. 1:33 – 2:03

   The 3-step reset overview: call it out, call the truth, protect your presence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:33

      Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. And now, back to the episode. To me, the number one thing that makes negative energy so harmful is that it physically affects me. It's not just the words. It, it actually presses on my emotions and how I feel, and all of a sudden I don't wanna eat, and you know what? I'm kind of in a bad mood, and I, I really can't focus, and I, I'm not in a good state of mind to be with the kids and, and be a good husband,

4. 2:03 – 3:34

   Step 1 — Don’t absorb it: naming the tension creates a buffer

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:03

      and it's just everywhere, and you feel like you are just weighted down on it. You ever felt that? I'm gonna tell you how I handle negative energy, and by the end of today's episode, you're gonna know it too. You ready? Number one, you don't absorb it, you call it out. That means we're going to name it out loud. And what's that gonna do? It's going to make sure you're able to now control that energy, where it's now not just part of you, it's now off of you. There's a buffer that we're gonna put in place. Number two, you don't react to the negative energy. You call out the truth. Respond to the truth. A lot of the times people put their words in really bad wrapping paper. The message itself is okay. It's that they just did such an ugly job, a lazy job, putting it and packaging it, that it's not worth even accepting. That means we're gonna send it right back. And number three, protect your presence, not the problem. Whenever you start focusing on the problem, trying to fix them, trying to do everything about them, well, then you've lost your own presence, and that I'm just not going to tolerate. So that leads me to point number one. That is, don't absorb what they said. Instead, we're going to call it out. You're gonna say it out loud. That means when you claim it, you control it, meaning you control your own reactions to it. That's the takeaway there. What does that sound like? That means when there is that situation

5. 3:34 – 5:05

   How negativity spreads (and owning when you’re the negative one)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:34

      that it is all of a sudden tense or negative, you can just tell the other person's not doing well. Everything about them just screams ugly. I'm not talking in their face. I, I just... [chuckles] I mean, like, everything a- about it is... kinda makes you sick. You just... You can tell it's not making you feel good. You wanna kinda back away. You want the distance. You can tell it's just negative energy. The, one of the biggest keys to me of people that are negative energy is because they're looking for other people to infect. They're looking for other people to throw the negative on. They'll throw it at anybody that they can. If they're in a bad mood, they want you to have a bad mood. And so it's just this pervasive ripple of... I like how I just did my arms, like, like, uh, Angels in the Outfield. That movie? That's an old movie. Man. Where you feel like it is pushed out to everybody around. It's not good enough just to contain it. It, that gets me in such a, a bad mood, and you know what? Sometimes I'm that person. Sometimes it's me that is, let's say, infected with the negative. When I'm in a bad state of mind, when I'm looking glass half empty, when I am not being thankful for what I have, when I've forgotten how I got what I got, and it's not of my own, my own works, and it's not of my own, anything of my own, but o- of the grace that I've received, all right? When I'm in a place where it is glass half empty, I, I

6. 5:05 – 6:36

   Real-world example: defusing a tense mediation by saying it out loud

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:05

      share that negative energy too. So what do you do with that? Let me put it in a, a scenario. One time in one of my early mediations that I had, we were all in a room, uh, uh, opposing attorneys, mediator, the parties, and there's a lot of people at the table. They call this an opening in mediation, where everybody... You know, one side gets to say, "Well, we think our case is really good, and we think that we're gonna settle for this amount, and we demand this." And the other side says, "Well, you know what? I think your case is absolute garbage, and our case is awesome, and we demand X." And the mediator has to go, "Okay, thank you guys for saying your, speaking your truth. You know, time to go to the other side." It's like a, a referee at the beginning of a football game or something, or, or a soccer game. They, they kind of just, "All right, shake hands. Okay, and go to your own sides." Well, in that opening, you could just tell the temperature in the room was starting to rise. People were starting to get upset. And as the temperatures in the room started to rise- I asked a question out loud. I said, "Is it just me or does this feel tense?" All of a sudden, it was like a bubble just popped. Uh, everybody kinda went, "Oh, no, no. I mean, this isn't... We're not trying to be tense here. Oh, no. We're, you know, we're just explaining..." And all of a sudden the temperature rose down. When you call it out, you're able to take better control of where that energy is coming from, and it starts to lower. So when you feel that negative energy, what I want you to do, call it out. You

7. 6:36 – 7:06

   Exact phrases to call out negativity (and why people back off)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:36

      can say the same thing as me or ask the same thing. "This feels tense. This feels heated. This feels negative. This feels, uh, like we're having a hard time. I'm, I'm feeling some friction from you." Whenever you use those words of, uh, whether, whether it's tense, I like tense, I like heated, um, or even ask, "Is this getting heated?" What do you think the reaction is? Nobody goes, "Yes, it

8. 7:06 – 8:08

   Step 2 — Don’t react to tone: separate ugly packaging from the message

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:06

      is." They all back away and go, "No. Oh, no, no, it's not. I, I didn't mean to get... Oh, no. I mean, I, I'm just explaining my..." That's what I'm talking about. You're gonna calm that negative, negative energy down and send it away where it belongs. Number two: don't react to the tone of what they said. React to the truth. To me, when people say ugly things, there, there are two different sides of it. There are people who the words are ugly and the delivery's ugly. I would say the vast majority or that we react to, the words are okay. There might be some truth in it, but it's the way they said it and was packaged was ugly. The, the, the truth of it is somewhat there, but they've packaged it in just crumpled old newspaper. Like, they, they actually didn't wanna try whatsoever, and so they, they say, "Here. Accept this. This is my negative energy." You know what? Yeah. That's fine. I don't really wanna go. Whatever it is. When

9. 8:08 – 9:09

   Return to sender: make them repeat it to force a reframe

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:08

      that happens to the negative energy, you're going to send it right back by having them repeat it. How? By having them repeat it. It's, it's very similar to how I recommend handling insults. See, they can't repackage it in the same way again when you ask them to repeat it. For example, if you were to... I asked you a question and you go, "No, I mean, that's fine. I mean, I guess if you really want to." Something passive aggressive. And I were to say, "I need you to say that again," they can't say it the same way. They can't say it the same way. Then they just look terrible. They're not gonna, they're not gonna press record and play a- as if they just verbatim what they just said. Instead they're gonna tweak it. They're gonna send it right back. And if it sounds still negative, say, "I'm... No. I, I, I need it better, please." Or even you don't have to say please if you don't want to, depending on who it is. But it's, it's, "I need you to say that again. I need you to repeat that." You're trying to find the, the actual truth to

10. 9:09 – 10:40

    Sponsor break: Fabric by Gerber Life (term life insurance pitch)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:09

       what they said rather than reacting to the tone. Separating the two makes a big difference. Before we keep going, I wanna take a second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life. You know what gives me peace of mind? Is knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, my family, I know they're gonna be taken care of. That's what insurance, life insurance, is really all about. Making sure that the people that depend on me also have peace of mind. Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you, like me, all online on your schedule right from your couch. You could be covered in less than 10 minutes with no health exam required. And now is the time to lock in low rates. Even if you have coverage through work, it may not be enough, and it may not follow you if you choose to leave that job. Fabric makes it simple. Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your family and your budget, like $1 million in coverage for less than a dollar a day. And they've partnered with Gerber Life, trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com/JEFFERSON. That's meetfabric.com/JEFFERSON. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company, not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. And now let's get back to the episode. And number three: protect your presence, not the

11. 10:40 – 11:40

    Step 3 — Protect your presence, not the problem person

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:40

       problem. When people are sending out negative energy, we often have this habit of trying to focus on them, where everything we think about is the problem, and we worry about it, and we stress about it because we want to fix their negative energy. Stop it. You cannot control another person's mood. You cannot make somebody happier. That is their choice. Sure, you can say things. You might give something. You might spend some time. That can help affect it, but you do not make the choice for them. There is not a button, there is not a phrase, there's not a switch that you can give that is going to magically change somebody's mood. If there was, w- we'd all have a lot less problems in the world, uh, amen? What I'm saying is whenever somebody's giving that negative energy to

12. 11:40 – 13:11

    Tunnel vision analogy: don’t let their negativity steal your day

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:40

       you, don't focus on, "Oh, I have to fix them, and, uh, there's nothing I can do, and I, I just..." And it gets wrapped up to where you're draining all of your mental energy on that. You're draining your mental energy. I get that way sometimes when... Let's say this is a, a, a way to kinda relate this thought. I'm somebody that once I get on a project, let's say I'm putting together some shelves or I, uh, recently was migrating some files between like Outlook and Gmail or something, and I am in the weeds on something I have to see it through. I mean, I gotta finish it. I don't like an unfinished task. I need to be able to see it through. So if I'm putting together shelves, you kind of just, like, get in this tunnel vision of like, "Don't ask me anything. I'm, I'm in these... I'm, I'm in this." All I want is to do it, and I can't put it down. I have a hard time putting it down, even if it's, like, dinner time maybe or it's time to eat or take a snack. You don't wanna do it. Nope, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in the zone. We do that a lot with people that have negative energy. We focus all of our attention on it, so much so that we forget the happiness that is happening in our, in our own day. We forget the positive that is right there in front of us. We, we forget the gifts that are right there for ours should we just stop and look and seek for it. And if you seek it, it, it, it will be there for... To see my child trying to have a- affection towards me in that moment rather than me being

13. 13:11 – 14:38

    Recap: sunlight kills negativity—name it, reframe it, choose peace

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:11

       so locked in on finishing the, the shelves that go in the bathroom. Anything like that, it's, it's you dropping it to where it's not focused solely on the problem. Instead, you are making sure that your mind acknowledges the negative energy, but it neither matches it nor tries to attach to it. That's the difference. That's how you handle the negative energy. Today, we learned, one, you're not gonna absorb it. You're gonna call it out, meaning you're gonna say something like, "This feels tense. This feels like it's getting heated. This feels really negative. I'm getting negative vibes from you." [snaps fingers] Naturally, it just all of a sudden has the opposite effect. It calls it out, and the negative hates sunlight. It hates it. It runs from it. Number two, whenever you feel like somebody is trying to put their words in a bad package, send it right back. You don't have to accept it. Just return to sender. "I need you to say that again. I need you to say that again." Number three, respond to what you know is your truth. Respond to your peace. Focus on your peace, not the problem. Whenever your mind is on their negative energy and trying to fix them all the time, you are missing what's right in front of you, and my guess is those are much more beautiful moments. All right, so you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 14:39