The Right Way to Set Boundaries

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Over-explaining quietly erodes your own boundaries

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      In this day and age, we've found a new way to break our own boundaries, disrespect our own boundaries, and that is simply by over-explaining them. If you are listening to this episode and you happen to be an over-explainer, you know exactly how defeating it is to feel like, "I have this boundary that I wanna set, but gosh, I... It's just not setting the right way. What am I doing wrong?" Well, I am going to tell you exactly why over-explaining is slowly washing away every

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   Announcements and episode context (workbook + subscribe)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      hard line that you make in the sand. All right? And at the end of this episode, I'm gonna give you some takeaway points, some statements that you can use to make sure that that doesn't happen again, because your boundaries are statements. They are not things that are up for discussion. Big difference. All that and more coming up. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. I have a short announcement, and that is something exciting for me. That is The Next Conversation Workbook is officially out for sale. You can find the links down in the show notes. Short, practical exercises for arguing less and talking more. If you enjoy learning tips and getting into things like my book or the workbook or the next conversation, I'm gonna ask that wherever you're listening, wherever you are listening, you find the button that says Subscribe and click it. Won't take any second, won't take any money. It's just something that it's, it's free, it's easy, and it tells the platforms that I make content on that it's good, solid content. So that's my promise to you. Thank you. This

3. 1:31 – 2:32

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth. You know this if you listen to this podcast, because their products are just so doggone cozy. I was traveling all this past weekend. We went to LA, around the area, and then before that, we were in Dallas. And you know what I wore on the plane? I wore Cozy Earth. The sweatshirts that they have are probably the best sweatshirts around, and especially in California, I don't know, for whatever reason. I... It's the weather, I think, really, when it gets, like, really cold at night, but hot in the day. A sweatshirt is the right thing to, to wear a lot of the time. Cozy Earth, to me, makes the best ones. And I'll s- tell you the other thing that's been kind of a coveted thing in our house is they have this blanket they call the Cuddle Blanket, and it's definitely something you wanna cuddle with. So it kinda gets passed around in our house and something that we really, really enjoy. From bedsheets to bath towels, Cozy Earth makes the best, the most comfortable, premium cozy products there is. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson, and get up to 20%

4. 2:32 – 4:02

   Why long explanations make your boundary feel like “sinking sand”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:32

      off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off with a 100-night risk-free trial and I think a 10-year warranty. You really can't go wrong. Check them out. And now, back to the episode. More than you could ever know, over-explaining is weakening the very platform that you're wanting to walk on. It is, it is turning y- the ground before you into sinking sand because you don't know how to set it into the concrete. You're, you're walking in it before it sets. How do, how does that cause problems for boundaries? Here is the simple breakdown that I see every single time. When I'm talking to people that I, I meet who are asking me information, or I'm doing some kinda live Q&A or a message or something in my inbox, this is what I see most of the time. They say, "Hey, look, I set this boundary, and all of a sudden, I feel like they are pushing on me, and I, I give in every single time." And what I ask is, "Well, how many words do you use to set your boundary?" They say, "What?" I say, "How many words did you use? How many sentences did you use to set your boundary?" And right then and there, they kinda go back and start thinking, and it's like, that's it. If you have to go back and wonder, "Okay, how long did I talk? How long did I, I set that?" There's your, your sign right there is that it took too many words. Here is the classic

5. 4:02 – 6:35

   The classic “No, because…” mistake: turning a boundary into a solvable problem

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:02

      example. Somebody asks you to do something. And by the way, here on this episode, the boundary we're gonna really be talking on is when you need to say no to things. You're needing to decline things. Not just invitations, but just something's a- somebody's asking something from you, and you need to say no. So classic example here is somebody asks you, "Hey, can you help on this project?" All right? And you start to say, "No, I really can't. I'm just so... Because I'm so..." And you start to give justification, maybe context for, "No, you know, because I'm just so busy." And here's where it breaks down. What the other person hears is not "No," they hear, "I would say yes, but because of all these obstacles, I can't, you know, I can't do it." And they think, "Oh, okay. Then if I just remove these obstacles, they'll say yes." So they'll start, they start thinking of ways to get to a yes. Over-explaining your boundaries turns what is a statement, a boundary, into a negotiation. And all of a sudden, they start seeing it as problem-solving. Over-explaining turns boundaries into a problem-solving mission for the other person. Now they're thinking, "Okay, what, what can I do?" So if you say, "No, I, I really can't... I, I can't do that. I'm just so busy." They go, "Th- oh, it's okay. It's, it's, it's only gonna take five minutes." They go, "Okay, how, how can I get to a yes? I'm, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm just really, I'm really overwhelmed at the moment." "Oh, that's okay. I'll do this for you. That's o- oh, okay, you wanna move this to a different day? You wanna push the deadline?" Th- to get to a yes, they see it as a problem-solving mission. They, they see it as a problem to solve, and that's not what you want. Boundaries are not negotiations, and the more words you add after "No the more it looks like it's soft ground, that it's up for negotiation, it's up for debate. Here's some ways that this causes problems in your life. Number one, when you over-explain, you create the illusion that not only is it a problem you're asking them to solve, it's ground that they think

6. 6:35 – 9:06

   Thanksgiving hosting story: a real example of a soft ‘no’ getting overridden

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:35

      they, they can barter in negotiation all of a sudden. Because it's a not a strong no, they feel like it's a soft yes, and they will start to try and wiggle around it. Here's an example. I had a lady once who said, "Look, Jefferson, I, I... Every year, you know, I host Thanksgiving at my house, and I don't want to do it this year. You know, I'm retired. We- It's... The kids are, are, are grown. They have kids of their own. A lot of times we stay here 'cause they really don't wanna pay for a hotel, but they could, and I, I have to clean and fix everything and, and, and I have to make every breakfast and cater around it." She said, "I really, I just really don't want to do it." I said, "All right. Have you communicated to that to them already?" She said, "Yeah. Yes, I have." I said, "Okay. Did you... How did you communicate that to them?" She said, "In a text." I said, "Okay. Well, read the text to me." And you know what the text said? The text was, "I would really love to, but I just feel like I am a little tired right now, and I feel like it's going to be a little too hectic, and wouldn't y'all rather probably stay somewhere else, because I don't feel like the house is as clean as it could be?" That w- was what she thought the boundary was. And you know what the text back from her adult children were? "That's okay. It doesn't have to be fancy. That's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect and picked up. That's okay. You know, we just really wanna be able to relax and be casual." And you know good and well that that sounds great, but when they're in the house and it's hectic and kids are running everywhere and you don't feel like this is a good place for you in your life anymore, you're at a different stage where you go, "Look, I'm tired. This is, this is not... Y'all invite me to something. Don't, don't make me host everything." I said, "How, how, how does that set a hard... How's that cement? You're giving them sand. They're giving them things to, to play with in the conversation." She said, "Well, yeah, I guess, I guess you're, I guess you're right." So we broke it down into ways that I'm gonna explain at the end of this episode, but this is how, this is how it happens, where you think you said no, but really what you did was just open it for a negotiation on what her two adult kids were now trying to problem solve. "That's okay. We'll take care of breakfast," or, "We'll buy the groceries," meaning you'll take care of us. You hear what I mean? So whenever you feel like you are asserting a boundary, I want you to look at, how

7. 9:06 – 9:36

   Two ways over-explaining backfires: negotiation + more ‘push points’

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:06

      much am I over-explaining in that? Number two, over-explaining kills the boundary because it gives them more things to push against. Gives them more cards to, to deal with. So whenever you feel like, "Oh, man, somebody's just pushing on me," like you're okay with the first no or the second no, but if they keep pushing you again, you kinda go, "Ah, oh, okay. I guess. Yeah." The more explanation you give, the more justification you give, the more you're, you're gonna get it back threefold. You have to keep your boundaries, the

8. 9:36 – 11:07

   Sponsor break: Notion (Custom Agents)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:36

      nos, short and to the point. Before we keep going, I wanna take a moment to tell you about Notion. Notion is a product that I've used myself for many years, both in the law firm, uh, in different businesses, and in this media business of what I'm doing now with the podcast. And I'll tell you, you know what eats up more time than the actual work? It's all the little things around the work. It's the status updates, the task assigning. You know how it goes. That's why I've been using Notion for several years, and especially now with a new feature they call Custom Agents. Notion is an AI-powered connected workspace for teams. Notion brings all your notes, documents, and projects into one space that just works. It's seamless, flexible, powerful, and actually fun to use. With the AI built right in, you spend less time switching between tools and apps and more time creating great work. And now, with Notion's new Custom Agents, the busy work that used to take hours or really never actually happen at all runs itself. One of my favorite features is a status update agent, which every week it scan- scans what I've been doing and pulls key updates and turns it into a report automatically that I can see. I don't have to chase notes or try and remember everything every single week. The custom agents automate repetitive workflows right inside of Notion. Unlike most AI, you don't have to wait to prompt them. They run on schedules and triggers like real teammates with specific jobs. Try Custom Agents now at notion.com/jefferson. That's all lowercase letters, notion.com/jefferson to try Custom

9. 11:07 – 13:38

   The one-breath rule: remove ‘because’ and stop giving unasked-for context

   1. JFJefferson Fisher11:07

      Agents today. And when you use our link, you're supporting our show. Thank you so much. Notion.com/jefferson. And now let's keep going. Number three, I'm gonna give you some solutions to that. All right? I know I've... You've been, you've been hanging on. "Jefferson, how do we solve it? How... What do we do about it?" I'm gonna tell you. I like to teach if you can't say no in one breath, it's not sharp enough. Meaning if you have to take a breath in explaining everything, that's... there's a problem with that, and you might go, "Okay, Jefferson, challenge accepted, because I can take a big breath and just blah, blah, blah, blah, get it all out." That's not what I'm talking about. All right? If you are at a place where you say, "No, because..." That's the problem. Eliminate the because. If you want to set a hard boundary with that person in your life, you have to eliminate the because, the justification. You have to. As soon as you start giving context that they didn't ask for, they didn't ask for it, you're just giving it to them because it makes you feel uncomfortable. The simple no makes you feel uncomfortable, so you're giving them more information and we- while you think that's helpful, what you're actually doing is setting them on a problem-solving mission. When you say, "No, I, I can't because I'm so busy," they go, "Oh, that's okay. It's only gonna take five minutes." "Oh, you know what? I, I really can't, um, have everybody over." "Oh, that's okay. We'll, we'll make it easy. It doesn't have to be fancy." You see how every time you, you, you're making them flip it over on you, and so you give up because they've seemingly solved the problem that you've set out. They hear... Remember, they hear, "If I solve these problems, I'll get to yes." That's really what it comes down to. When you say, "No, because..." Everything else is saying, "This is my obstacle." So what you're communicating is, "It would be a yes if you can remove these obstacles for me." And they go, "Oh, okay. Well, let me, let me see if I can remove all these obstacles." And that's why they start shooting all these, "Well, you could come here," or, "What if we do this?" or, "You know, w- we can do our own thing." And they try to find ways to get to a yes. So the because, the justification, the context, is hurting you. So what can you say instead? As little as possible. I'm not saying that you just say, "No," period, because that doesn't fix everything. Yes, I agree, and I'm one

10. 13:38 – 15:40

    Stronger alternatives to over-explaining: bandwidth, capacity, and escalation

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:38

       to say it, "No" is a complete sentence to me. That "No" period, depending on the person, really should come on, like, round three if they keep pushing against you. Meaning, if you were to ask me to invite me to something and I needed to say no, or maybe you needed my help with something and I just didn't, it was, it was a no for me. It w- it's not something I wanna do. I'm gonna say, "It's not in the cards for me," or, "I don't have the bandwidth or the capacity." I like using those two words, bandwidth or capacity. "I don't have the capacity for that right now." And if they push again, it's, "I can't," period. They try again, it's, "No," period. Otherwise, I'm just not gonna respond. I'm gonna, I'm gonna ignore the text, the email, and they're gonna have to approach me in person, where I'm gonna say, "Nah, it's, it's a no. That's not something I'm going to do." Or I've... And I've done this plenty of times. I slow down my words and I'll say, "The answer is no. I hear it. I, I hear all the explanation. I hear, I hear you. I understand. My answer is no." And if you're hearing that and you go, "Oh, Jefferson, that feels so uncomfortable," then it's probably the right thing you need to say. If that feels uncomfortable to you, then it's probably right, because that standing your ground, that, that firm footing, that's gonna be uncomfortable to you because you haven't been doing it. You haven't been doing it. The more words you give in your explanation, th- the more you're giving them to work with, and so we gotta stop. If it's as simple as, "No, I can't..." Of course, if it's an invitation, you're grateful for it, yes, tell them, "Thank you so much." When you give the because, "I, I'd love to, Jefferson, but, you know, uh, I, I, I've just been so busy, and, you know, I got the... I have these plants that I have to water, and I have a cat that I have to feed, you know? And I just got lots of things," the more it sounds like you're making stuff up and the softer that boundary

11. 15:40 – 16:41

    Make it about a promise to yourself (and keep it simple)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:40

       sounds. Another thing that I wanna give you, often when I say, "I promised myself..." You know, I, "No, thank you. I, I promised myself that I would be home by 5:00 PM every day this week. I promised myself that I'd be focusing on family this, this week. I promised myself that I'd be taking care of my health, taking care of my sleep. No, I'm not gonna go out tonight. I appreciate that. Promised myself I'm gonna be doing X, Y, and Z. No, I prefer to drink a water. Thank you." You, you, hear how it went every, every time if I give more explanation, the softer it feels and the more that, that friend or that person in your life can kind of try and wiggle through the cracks. They're looking for where the cracks are in your wall for that boundary. And when you give more words and when you overexplain, it sounds like it's up for discussion rather than a firm statement of, "This is what I'm going

12. 16:41 – 17:12

    When they ask ‘Why?’: repeat the boundary—don’t defend it

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:41

       to do." So keep it simple. Uh, if you're trying to text somebody right now, if you cannot say it in one sentence, it's wrong. There's no because. There's no, "Well, I, I have to do X, Y, and Z." Did they ask? Answer this question for me right now. Did they ask you for this information? Maybe they did after your no. Maybe you said no, and then they said, "Why?" You don't give them the explanation then. All

13. 17:12 – 18:12

    Sponsor break: Wayfair

    1. JFJefferson Fisher17:12

       right? All you do is repeat your boundary. Repeat the boundary. Before we get going, I wanna take a moment to tell you about Wayfair. The new year always makes me want to reset my space, because when your home feels calmer and more organized, well, life just runs better. That's why I've been using Wayfair. Wayfair has everything in one place: bedding, storage, kitchen stuff, desk decor, all of it. If you're listening, you probably know Wayfair because you've bought their stuff, and it's good quality stuff and at great prices. I've grabbed a few simple upgrades myself, and honestly, it's made a much bigger difference than I ever expected. Better bedding, smarter storage, and a couple of easy decor pieces that made the room feel a lot better. What I really like and appreciate is how easy it is to find things that fit your particular style and your budget. You're not jumping between a whole bunch of websites. Whether you're refreshing a living room, organizing a bathroom, or getting your work-from-home setup right, I know how that goes, Wayfair has it covered. So get organized, refreshed, and back on track with this new year for way less. Head to wayfair.com right now

14. 18:12 – 21:17

    Wrap-up + takeaway script: the simplest text that works

    1. JFJefferson Fisher18:12

       to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R .com. Wayfair, every style, every home. And now, let's keep going. Uh, I, I love the phrase, "Not in the cards." "Ah, it's not in the cards for me this weekend." Not in the cards for us this weekend. Anytime I use that phrase or I promise myself, people don't like to try and push against promises that you make for yourself. But if I, if I try and say, "Ah, you know what? I've just been so stressed," then the other person hears, "Oh, well let me try and relieve that stress by making it as easy as possible," really for themselves at the end of the day, not for you. So the more you try and explain a boundary, the less it sounds like a boundary, the more it sounds like a negotiation, and that's not one you're going to win. You're gonna walk away feeling empty and frustrated because you used too many words, right? So let's break it down. Over-explaining kills your boundaries. When you say, "No, because I have all of these things," what the other person hears is, "It would be a yes, but I have these obstacles." And they go, "Okay, let me try and solve the problem. You wanna do this, you wanna do that," and you give in because they seemed to solve the problem, and then you feel too... R- r- really, y- you, you feel too embarrassed to say no. Then it makes it sound like you're a liar. If they've removed these obstacles and then you go, "No, really, I just don't wanna go," right? You can't, you can't do that and you're... It didn't feel right, so then you're like, "Oh, okay, I guess they solved my problem, so I guess I'll say yes," when you should've just said, "That's not something I'm, I really wanna do." Cool? Phrases to use: No in one breath. "Nope, that's not in the cards for me. No, I can't make it." When I spoke to the sweetest lady about n- her not wanting to host, I said, "This is what I want you to text in the group thread. Ready? Simple one statement. 'I'm not able to host this year,' period." And she was like, "Oh, well, I, I mean, they're, they're gonna g- ask." I said, "Yeah, they're gonna ask. Let them ask first. Don't just start giving all this information. Just wait." And you know what her son replied? "Got it. Thanks, Mom." Well, th- they were gonna go and have a... They got the hotel, like that was two minutes away, all right? And they ended up having a, a great Thanksgiving. She sent me a thank you email after it. So anytime you feel like, "Uh, uh, but they're gonna wonder and, and wonder and..." Let them, all right? Let them ask, 'cause they, they have the agency to do that. Don't, don't feel their feelings for them, right? Simple, short statements. If you can't say it one sentence, if you can't say it one breath, then I am going to implore you to rethink how you're setting your boundary. Are you really setting the boundary? Are you just opening the floor for negotiation? That's going to be a losing game at the end of it. As always, you can try that and follow me

Episode duration: 21:18