They’re Trying to Manipulate You

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   Manipulation starts when you take responsibility for their reaction

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Manipulation only happens when you've decided that their reaction becomes your responsibility, when you've chosen to say, "I need to manage every bit of how they are going to respond." But when you flip that, when you choose to say, "Hey, I'm not going to allow their reaction to become my responsibility," then there's no margin to manipulate, then you've removed their entire leverage. Today, in this podcast, we're talking how to handle people that are manipulators, how to handle people who manipulate you, that, that person in your business, that person in your group, that person in your life, maybe that person you're related to, who constantly seems to try to manipulate things. What's really happening? How do you spot it, and how do you handle it? Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I believe that the best way to improve your relationships in your life is to improve your conversations. If you enjoy this content, if you do me a favor, wherever you're listening, and just find the button that says Subscribe. It'd

2. 1:00 – 2:00

   Why manipulators are often the closest people to you

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      mean a lot to me, it doesn't cost anything, and in exchange, my promise to you is to continue to provide good, quality communication advice. Manipulators, what do you do with that? How do you, how do you spot that? Some things that I want you to know when it comes to manipulators, typically the person who's trying to manipulate you the most is also the person closest to you. I'm gonna say that again. The person trying to manipulate you the most is also most likely the person closest to you. Meaning the closer they are, the harder it is to see them, the harder it is to spot. See, it's by design, it's by intention. They know that the closer they get to you, the harder it is to see it, and so you start looking f- beyond everything. You don't see what's right in front of you. So the person who's trying to possibly get closest to you in your life, mean- meaning they're always trying to... Not, not... I'm not talking about a friend who's trying to reach out and, and become good friends with you. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the person in business who's like, "Hey, hey, uh,

3. 2:00 – 3:31

   Red flag #1: The triangle—when they broker communication

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:00

      why, why don't you tell me? I, hey, you know you can rely on me, right? Uh, well, you know, I'm the person that's in your, your corner, you know?" And it's, it's their words. They're trying to kind of snake their way in to get very close to you in a way that is going to almost try to create some kind of obligation by you to them. Here's what I mean. The first thing to notice and to avoid is the triangle. You know what I mean? There's gonna be a time where this person, and it's, it's set up by design to create a triangle between you and somebody else. They're gonna try to come between a situation. And I want you to think of, like, a spider that knows every string of its web. They want to be in control of every line, of every piece of that web. They don't want you talking to the other person. They want you talking to them for them to now communicate with this other person. All of a sudden, they kind of become the broker of communication in your life. And what could have easily been a communication between you and somebody else is now, is kind of this three-way triangle. Why are they doing that? Well, they're doing that so that they can control the messaging, that they can put you on the outs and put themself in, okay? Meaning somebody possibly

4. 3:31 – 4:33

   How triangulation sounds in real life (office and social examples)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:31

      who comes to the office and you're having a conversation and somebody comes up and they're like, "Oh, you don't wanna talk to them. You know what? I, uh, truthfully, a- and just, I'm, I'm gonna be honest with you here, and I'm, I'm the only one who's really gonna be honest with you. Uh, I've already talked to them, and what they said was..." And try and corner you out as if like, "Hey, no, no, no, just, just talk to me. No, I w- I wouldn't bring it up to them, you know? But, uh, you, if you want, you know, I could possibly..." And they, and then they start acting as if they're gonna talk kind of on your behalf. And all of a sudden, you're outside of it, and they're on the inside, and they're the ones that kind of are the hedge, at least seeming to be the only person that can protect you, the only person that's going to understand you, believe you, be in your corner, support you, and all the while you go, "Why am I feeling so lonely about this?" And you start to rely on them, and that creates the obligation. Because if you've ever heard this phrase, "After everything I've done for you..." Heard

5. 4:33 – 5:34

   The obligation hook: “After everything I’ve done for you”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:33

      that? "After everything I've done for you," meaning things are gonna start to go south, or maybe the moment that you go, "Hold up, I, you know, I can just talk to them," and they're gonna go, "What, you don't... What, you don't believe me? What, you don't, you don't trust that, like, I'm, I'm doing this in your, for your own good?" Yeah? You hear that? It's, it's the spider in the web. They're trying to create this wall, this barrier, to say, "Hey, I'm going to manipulate your emotions, and by doing that, and how I do that is I'm going to set it up to where you're on the outside of things, and the only connection you h- have to anything else is my own, my reaction, and I'm going to make it feel as though my reaction is your fault, your responsibility, and through that, I'm gonna be able to control you. I'm gonna be able to manipulate a situation." That's what I want you to spot. First red flag to me is the triangle. As soon as you feel like you're out of the loop on something, and they become the everything

6. 5:34 – 7:05

   Red flags #2–#3: Guilt trips, urgency pressure, and personal attacks

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:34

      for you, and it's just emotionally draining. What does that also sound like in communication? This is what I want to move to in number two. You're gonna hear things like what we just said, "After everything I've done for you." What does that sound like? A, a clue is the guilt trip. The guilt trip. "After everything I've done for you. I, I can't believe after everything I've done." Guilt trip. "You're just, you're gonna mess everything up for everything else." Everybody else, it, it's now it's your responsibility for everybody else's feelings. Guilt trip. Number two, it's where they put a lot of pressure on you for their happiness. Everything has to be done right, right now. Right now. They're, they're trying to push this immediate fast reaction when you're trying to put on the brakes and go, "Hold up, this doesn't feel right." And they're like, "Don't, don't worry about that. No, I, I just need you to listen to me. Focus on me." That's a big red flag. Number three is typically when they go into these, these personal attacks. These personal attacks, what they're trying to do is snipe you into focusing on making them happy first without looking at the, the bigger picture of things. So they want to keep you in the weeds. They want to keep you focused, making, you know, what do they call, a mountain out of a molehill. A mountain out of a molehill, I think that's what it is, where they take these little bitty things and blow them up so huge and relate them to something that's totally irrelevant. And you're going, "Wait, how did you connect these

7. 7:05 – 8:38

   Fear–obligation–guilt: how past favors become future leverage

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:05

      two things? This doesn't even make sense to me." It doesn't make sense. It's all for their own leverage. A lot of different... I mean, I- from the people I hear from in businesses and in life, you know what manipulation sounds like. It feels like any time where you feel like this, "Hold up. This... I feel like I'm kind of being used right now, that they don't really have my best, my best interests." I feel like they're using fear on you, maybe an obligation on you. Um, maybe they're trying to use something that you did in the past. It makes me think of this movie, uh, White Christmas, which is probably Sierra's favorite movie. But at the beginning, it's an old movie, um, this guy, um, saves another guy from a falling building, and by saving him, he broke his arm, and he uses that as kind of to manipulate some situations later to get his way of whenever the other guy whom he saved was like, "I don't want to do that," he'd kind of go, "Ugh, you know, this arm's really bothering me," as a guilt. You know, and I, I feel, make them feel obligated to do it from something in the past. That's a playful way of, of distinguishing that, and there's definitely much more harmful, toxic scenarios of that, all of which you know. But the point is, they're going to use fear, they're going to use obligation,

8. 8:38 – 9:40

   Response strategy: slow everything down to break the spell

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:38

      going to use guilt, pressure. They try and make you move. And to do so, they're going to create a big reaction out of that and want you to feel like it's your responsibility to fix it. Number three, what do you do? Jefferson, you've told me how to spot it. You've told me what are some patterns to notice this. How, how do we handle this kind of thing? Here's my, my best advice. Slow it down. Slow it down. Any time that somebody's trying to manipulate, same for like gaslighters, narcissistic type of traits, they want you to move fast. Fast. Because the faster you go, the less you're thinking about it. When you slow things down and go, "Hold up. Let me just... Let me think about that for a minute." They go, "No, no, no, you don't have to think about that. No, no, it's just, what are you talking about? What are you, what are you thinking about? Let me, let me fix it. Let me solve it. I need you to do this now." Big red flag alert. Red, red flag alert.

9. 9:40 – 11:11

   Hold center: name their feelings without owning them

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:40

      Slow everything down. When you make your choice, and that's for yours to choose, this gut feeling, and you go, "I'm not going to manage their reaction. I'm going to make my choice," it's about sticking to it. Sticking to it. What does that sound like? I need you to be able to say, "I understand that you disagree. I understand you don't like it. I understand that you're frustrated. I hear that you're upset. I hear that you're frustrated. I hear that you're disappointed." Do you hear that? You're just, you're just naming it. You're not making it your responsibility to manage it. You're just going, "Hey, I, I, I see that. I, I, I understand that you disagree. I understand that this is not how you... This is not the answer you wanted. I, I, I feel that. I get that." But it doesn't make it my responsibility. I'm just, I'm just seeing it. It's like I see that that T-shirt is red. Yes, it is. That does not make it my obligation and I'll wear it, right? You're noticing it, and that, that's when I want you to notice their reaction. And like, like with having a pen and paper, okay? You're, you're, you're watching their reaction to your statement of saying, "I'm staying still. I'm slowing it down. I've told you no. It's not what I want to do." Whatever it is, business, life, work. "I

10. 11:11 – 13:42

    Disproportionate reactions reveal the manipulation—don’t enter their sandbox

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:11

       understand you're frustrated." That reaction's gonna blow up huge. Here's the key. Don't move off of center. Don't... That, that reaction should just tell you, when they have this disproportionate reaction, this unreasonable reaction, that should just scream to you manipulation. That reaction's gonna look like pressure, like trying to put an obligation, like trying to put a guilt trip on you, right? All of those things. It's, it's gonna try to make it personal. It's, they're trying to find outside leverage to have control over you, to make it to where their reaction is now your responsibility. When that happens, don't move off center. Just repeat it. "I hear that. I understand." It's, it's not something for you to go, "Oh, I mean, here, here's the problem. You know, y- you just keep..." Don't, don't... As soon as you get into those personal attacks, boom, you're, you're in their zone now. Stop. As soon as you, uh, you get mad and go, "Hey, listen, you're just trying to..." Oh, you're in their sandbox now. Now, now you're, now you're giving into their leverage. Now, now they want that mad emotion because now you're gonna say stuff, and what's that gonna do? Add more to now th- you're gonna feel obligated because of your heightened emotion, your reaction, possibly there's the now an inside straight chance that you mess up, and now you're gonna feel bad because you're the reasonable person, and you go, "Look, uh, okay, listen, okay, look, is this what's gonna make you hap- If I do this, will you just drop..." And they're gonna go, "Oh, thank you so much. Just what I wanted. Thank you." And then they're gonna go on to the next person to do that. [laughs] It's just a game. It's a game. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about OneSkin. I am somebody who's, who's really never taken my skincare all that seriously until a few years ago, Sierra looked at me and said, "You need to take your skincare a little bit more seriously." And I said, "Okay, let's, let's try it out." And so I've been using OneSkin now for a while, and I really like it. Why do I like it? Because it makes my skin feel nice. It's not too greasy, it's not too heavy, and what I really like about it, it's backed by real science. Uh, what they use in it is a, a peptide or proprietary peptide called OS-1 that helps your skin feel smoother, firmer, and is backed by longevity experts who really

11. 13:42 – 16:17

    A practical language tool: label the tactic’s fuel (fear/pressure/guilt)—not ‘manipulation’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:42

       look at what's going down at the cellular level of your skin. So right now, for a limited time, you can get fifteen percent off your order at oneskin.co, C-O, slash jefferson. Use the code jefferson for fifteen percent off. That's oneskin.co/jefferson for fifteen percent off. And now, let's keep going. Don't move off center. In fact, let me tell you something that really will get, get them in a way. Use the word that you think they're utilizing. This is what I mean. When somebody's trying to make you move, and you can tell the, the, the, the buzzing is going in your ears, saying, "I think this is manipulation right here. They're trying to use their reaction to make me do something." Maybe it's obligation, pressure, whatever it is. Use that word in your response. For example, imagine saying, "I'm not gonna make a decision based on fear. I'm not gonna make a decision based on pressure. I'm not gonna make a decision based on whatever." Try it. Whatever word it is, don't use manipulation. Don't use the word manipulate. "I'm not gonna make a decision just because you're trying to manipulate me." That's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. You're, you, you've just created another thread for them to poke, poke, poke, and try and stir up more argument, because now you've made a personal attack on them. How dare you say that they're manipulating, right? After everything they've done for you. All these things that you didn't ask for, that they've gone out of their way to get so close to you, and they've done all of this despite you not asking, and now they say you have an obligation to do things for them, to make you-- because you're a nice person. No. Use whatever word you think that they're doing. "I'm not gonna... Hey, look, I'm not gonna make a decision based on pressure right now. I'm not gonna make a decision based on guilt." Ooh. Yeah? You see, you see the difference? Use the word you think is being implemented in that moment. "I'm not gonna make a decision based on guilt right now. I'm not gonna, I'm not going to move based on guilt." Whatever, whatever it is, you can, you can construct that and paint that however you want. But the tool I'm giving you is use the word you think is being im-implied in that moment, being utilized, and send it right back, and what you're gonna notice is they're going to draw

12. 16:17 – 17:48

    What happens next: they may move on, and it may not be conscious

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:17

       back. They've already pushed. They've already made the big explosion. Nothing happened. They've-- It's nothing happened. So what's gonna happen quickly is it's going to die out. They're gonna get frustrated, they're gonna say something ugly. Fine. That's fine. Again, that, that's not your responsibility to manage. Their reaction is not your responsibility to manage. Let them have the reaction. Don't do anything with it. Just see it. And what's gonna happen is they will go on. They will move on to the next person that they're trying to manipulate. And it's gonna take some time. Might take a little, might take a lot. But they will find somebody else to try and manipulate. But that's what you did. You, you saw, you saw that. And it's, it's possible, I'm, I'm gonna leave open the possibility that this person, they may not have done it intentionally. Without, I'll just say consciously, with the, with the knowing intent ahead of time that they have this master plan. Some people, it just, they don't realize that they're doing it. Or maybe it happened, you know what? That's the way their mom treated them, and so your mother's acts the same way. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's, it's, it can also be hereditary in a sense of this is how it happens. I've had more people say, "You know what? My, my grandmother or my mother or my father throws out the biggest guilt trips on me." It's like, "Oh, you know what? It'd be nice if somebody called

13. 17:48 – 18:47

    Core recap: spot it, refuse responsibility for reactions, stay centered

    1. JFJefferson Fisher17:48

       me every once in a while." Like they're putting this, this trip on you, and you're like, "I, I've called you plenty, and you can call me." It's not... They're trying to get you to take responsibility for their reaction. That's-- We're not gonna do that anymore, okay? Hey, just say with me, "We're not going to do that anymore," right? Right. Okay. We've talked about how to spot manipulative, manipulative behavior. We've talked about the patterns. We've talked about now how to handle it and what to do in it. Lots of different ways we can discuss this, especially in the business context, as well as in relationship, but these are the main foundations of it. Spot it, know what's happening, do not allow their reaction to become your responsibility, do not give them that leverage, notice the feeling, notice their reaction, do not carry it with you. Stay center. Cool? All right. Try that. Follow me. Bye, guys.

Episode duration: 18:47