What to do When Someone Talks Over You

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why being talked over feels defeating (and what you’ll learn)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Have you ever been talking out loud and while you're talking somebody says, "Well, you know what I think is..." and they just run right over you? What's the first thing you think? You go, "Oh, okay. I guess I'll stop talking now." All of a sudden they are controlling the floor. Now they're dominating the conversation, and you really don't have another window, and you feel defeated. What do you do when somebody is talking over you? Well, there's a wrong way to go about it and a right way to go about it, and I'm gonna teach you both. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast where

2. 0:30 – 1:01

   Channel mission + quick subscribe ask

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips and tools to improve your communication, I'm going to make a promise to you, and that promise is to continue to give you and feed you good content that is going to make you a better communicator. In exchange, my request is where you see a button that says Subscribe or a heart or a thumbs up, I'm gonna ask you to click it. I am going to make you a better communicator. That's my promise, and whenever you click and subscribe, it tells the platform

3. 1:01 – 2:01

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth (sleeping cool in hot weather)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      that this is good content. I would be very grateful if you'd do that. This podcast is brought to you by Cozy Earth. I am in Texas, Southeast Texas to be exact, and it is like a hot swamp down here. It is scorching hot. You go outside and, uh, you have sunglasses on, glasses on, they instantly fog up. That's the kinda level that we're at right now. If there's one thing I don't like, it's to sleep in a hot bed. Uh, you get sweaty and it's the worst. If you use sheets, they're, they're on my bed right now from Cozy Earth, that does not happen. Go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. They not only have bedsheets, they have towels. They have really comfortable clothes. You need to give 'em a try. Now, if you listen to the rest of this podcast, you are going to learn exactly how to stop it when somebody tries to dominate the conversation. You ready? The wrong way to go about this is when you start

4. 2:01 – 2:31

   The “wrong way”: sarcasm, snark, and trying to steal attention back

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      to yell and start to try and get more attention to you. Somebody starts interrupting you and the first thing you say is, "Oh, excuse me. Am I interrupting you?" Or, "Oh, uh, did I end of m- my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" That kind of trying to be cute language, that never works. Let me tell you why it doesn't work. Because it makes you look desperate. So whenever somebody is dominating the conversation and interrupts you, the worst thing you can try and do is try to take it back from them when you try to

5. 2:31 – 3:32

   Step 1: Keep talking—same tempo, same volume, don’t yield the floor

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      out-attention them. That never works. It always puts you in the weaker position. Why? Because it looks like you're grasping for control. That is the wrong way to go about it. Instead, this is what I want you to do when somebody tries to dominate the conversation and talk over you. You ready? Number one: I want you to continue talking exactly as you were. Keep the same volume. Keep the same tempo. Keep the same pace. Keep talking just like you were. Do not stop. So when everybody, whenever that person at the board meeting and y- uh, wherever you are, they start to try and catch in and start to talk over you, "Oh, I think..." "Well, what about..." And they, and they try and talk over you. Keep talking exactly where you are. This works because it shows a discrepancy between your very even-keel, controlled, I'm gonna continue talking no matter what you say. Even if you interrupt me, I am planted. I am grounded. I do not care what you say. Whenever you keep that same plane and they

6. 3:32 – 4:32

   Step 2: Don’t raise your voice—avoid the escalation trap

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      are just yeah, yeah, yeah, barking way up here trying to get your attention, trying to get everybody else's attention, it shows that discrepancy of you being very controlled and them trying to grasp for control. They're trying to get that attention from everybody else while you are the one staying calm and controlled. So number one is continue to talk. Don't stop talking. All right? Number two: what I want you to do is resist the temptation to raise your voice. We always want to try and out-talk the other person whenever somebody starts raising their voice. It's very natural. It's very easy for us because we're trying to kind of, uh, jump over them. We're trying to... It's like playing checkers. You wanna kinda jump over them. You wanna get on top of the conversation. You want to dominate it in some way. Anytime you do that, all it does is escalate them to talk even more. That's how shouting matches happen. Like if you, uh, watch the news and you see the talking

7. 4:32 – 5:03

   Why loud back-and-forth makes everyone tune out (the “change the channel” effect)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:32

      heads on the news and the people that are just fighting, just arguing to argue, or if you watch like sports commentary maybe on ESPN or something and, and you hear people taking two different positions and somebody's interrupting the other, and somebody's interrupting the other, and they just start kinda yelling back and forth. Who's listening? Nobody. What do you do? You change the channel. Nobody's learning anything. Nobody can get anything from that because it's just a power grab for attention. So you're going to resist that. All right? You're going to resist that by continuing to keep your volume exactly as

8. 5:03 – 7:03

   Step 3: Use their name to create a window—then label the behavior (“talk over”)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:03

      it is. Why? Again, it shows that discrepancy. That's what you want. Number three: we're just swinging right at it today. We're going, we're going straight for the throat. Any time that that person is trying to dominate the conversation or interrupt or continue talking and you don't feel like you have a window. Let's say we're at a, a board meeting and they're just continuing to talk and you don't feel like you have a window into it. Here's the key: use their name. People love to hear their name. There's no sweeter sound than the sound of their own name. So if they're talking and they're droning on, and they've kinda taken away the conversation and gone on with their own voice and with their own subject, and they think what they're saying is the most important thing, I want you to use their name. Use their name. So let's say, uh, it's me. Let's me, uh, I'm the big bad guy right now and I am, I've just taken over the conversation. You're talking to me and I go, "Well, you know what I think is you, you ought to go, you know what you should do." And I just start going on away in my own views, opinions, and I'm talking to an audience of one. If you need to get my attention, what I want you to say is, "Jefferson." That'll pop in my head quick. Jefferson. It's not raising your voice. You're not saying it angry. You're not saying it too, um, tender, almost too hesitant. You're gonna say it strong. You're gonna say it clear. Jefferson. If I keep talking, say it again. Jefferson. Even if you need to raise the volume a little bit, it's gonna get my attention. It's going to get the other person's attention. They are going to stop because they hear their name. That's where ... That's the window. You've now created the window into that conversation where I want you to use the phrase talk over. Say something like, "It's not helpful when you talk over me," or, "I feel like you're talking over me," or, "I can't hear you when you talk over me." I say the very similar thing when somebody's interrupting you, which in this case is very related. I can't hear you when you talk over me. This episode

9. 7:03 – 8:04

   Sponsor break: LMNT hydration (clean electrolytes + sample pack)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:03

      is also brought to you by LMNT. LMNT makes hydrating easy, simple, and clean. If you're like me, you're always on the go. Especially when I'm traveling, I need to do better about hydrating, especially in and out of airports, but it's not all that fun sometimes to just drink a bottle of water, so I use a little packet of LMNT. I've been using it for several months now, and I really like it. My favorite flavor is lemonade salt. I pour it right in. It's like lemon lime. It's tangy, it's sweet, and it always gets the job done. I like it because there's no added dyes. There's no added sugars, just good clean electrolytes. LMNT is for people on a mission, whether you're a parent, an athlete, a business leader. And for all of my listeners, you get a free sample pack for every order that you get, so a free sample pack with every order. You can go to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson and try it risk-free. That's drinkLMNT/jefferson, and try it risk-free. Anytime you're using that phrase talk over, it's cluing them into

10. 8:04 – 8:34

    Why you must address it early: patterns, respect, and boundaries

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:04

       exactly what they're doing. Sometimes people don't un- understand what they're doing. They don't realize what they're doing. It may be it's not on purpose, but that's beside the point. The, the, the fact is they're doing it, so you have to take action. You can't just be quiet and let them continue to talk and, and you, and you feel less. And y- then you feel more dismissed. That kind of behavior is something that you need to catch immediately. You can't let it keep going on. Why? Because you're otherwise establishing

11. 8:34 – 9:05

    How direct to be: calibrated phrases depending on the person

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:34

       a pattern of how they can treat you, how they can talk to you, that it's just a given that your opinion does not matter as much as theirs. But if you catch it, "Jefferson, I can't hear you when you talk over me. It's not helpful for you to talk over me. Jefferson, are you interested in my thoughts or do you wanna talk over me?" It depends how direct you need to be. I, I ... You're the one who knows the personality of the person that you're dealing with. But that is exactly how I want you to handle

12. 9:05 – 10:36

    Real meeting story: coaching a hesitant colleague to use the technique

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:05

       when somebody is talking over you. I had something very similar when I was a young associate at a law firm. There was a, another associate of mine, and she had great ideas, but she never felt like she could really share them in the meetings that we'd have, and we'd have other associate meetings. There'd be about eight to 10 of us, and she didn't feel like she could really use her voice that way. She was much more hesitant, but still, she had wonderful ideas, and there are times where I would kind of focus the conversation to tee it up so she could talk, but at the same time, I didn't always wanna be the crutch that goes, "Oh, she'd let me help guide the conversation to her." So I talked to her about it, said, "This is what I want you to do. The next time David starts to bounce over onto your conversation, I want you to use his name and watch what happens." Sure enough, while she's giving a, an idea of what she thinks we should try and do for the upcoming year, David immediately kinda goes on the attack. You ever had somebody who in a meeting, specifically in a group, that just wants to always feel like th- they can go right for you? They can go right for you every time, that, uh, for some reason, you're, you're their scapegoat. It ... For some reason, you're the outlet for them, that they, as soon as you start talking, boom, there they, there they go. Something about it triggers you, triggers them. It was the same way in this relationship, and so she started talking. Boom, David goes in, and first thing she had said, she did, was continued

13. 10:36 – 12:45

    Outcome + recap: the interrupter apologizes, behavior stops, three-step framework

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:36

       to talk exactly how she was. What did it do? It didn't make her look weak. It made him look weak because looked like he was trying to get in in the conversation, and she was totally ignoring it. Who we listened to? We started listening to her, not him, because it showed everybody in the room what he was doing was not ac- acceptable as a group, as a community. He was now making himself kind of as the outsider. What she did next as he continues to talk is she used his name. She used his name, and he snapped to attention. "David, you're talking over me." That's all she said. You know what he did? Immediately apologized. Why? Because he's looking around and seeing everybody kind of agrees. Nobody was fighting. Nobody was sticking up for him. He's like, "Oh, I'm, I'm ... You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go, go ahead." Never again did he do that. So I want you to really think about this the next time that somebody is trying to dominate a conversation, some- somebody's trying to speak over you. Number one, what I want you to do is to continue to talk. Two, resist the temptation to raise your voice to outtalk them because that's a weaker position ultimately. Three, what I want to make sure that you do is realize the power of somebody's name. So if they keep on talking, use their name. It is going to snap their attention. It's gonna make them stop because they need to hear what comes after their name, why you're using the sweet sound of their name. That's your window to be able to communicate exactly what's happening into action. All right? Sound good? I love this kind of stuff. It's awesome. Quick, to the point. You can do it. I know that you can. Thank you so much for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you like episodes like this where you get to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to please like, follow, or share this podcast wherever you like to listen to podcasts. And if you didn't know, every week I have a newsletter where I give a communication tip once a week right to your inbox just from me and you, and I love answering those emails. And if you want to continue to improve your communication skills, I have an online membership called The School of Communication where, uh, you're gonna be welcome with open arms to continue on in your communication journey. All right. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 12:46