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The Jefferson Fisher Podcastwhat to say to someone who always tries to one-up you
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Defuse one-uppers with calm boundaries, curiosity, and selective sharing choices
- One-upping shifts attention from the original speaker back to the one-upper and can corrode relationships by dismissing others’ experiences.
- The first recommended response is to “let them” one-up you, using it as information about their insecurity and about whether they’re a safe person to share with.
- Rather than escalating into a competition, the advice is to limit future sharing (“settings to private”) and be selective about where you share good news.
- A light, non-accusatory phrase like “I wasn’t trying to compare—I was just trying to share” can reset the tone without creating conflict.
- To prevent accidentally one-upping, ask one follow-up question (e.g., “What was your favorite part?”) before sharing your own story, or ask permission to share.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasTreat one-upping as a signal, not a personal attack.
He frames one-upping as insecurity and unmet needs, which helps you stay non-defensive and evaluate whether this person is emotionally safe to share with.
Don’t counter one-up with one-up.
If you respond by trying to beat their story, you convert the exchange into a competition; instead, let the moment pass and avoid feeding the dynamic.
Use “settings to private” with chronic one-uppers.
A practical boundary is to stop sharing vulnerable wins or meaningful updates with people who routinely redirect attention to themselves, including coworkers or family.
Reset the conversation with a neutral comparison-disarming phrase.
“I wasn’t trying to compare—I was just trying to share” calls out the dynamic without attacking the person, making it easier for them to course-correct.
Light humor can reduce tension while maintaining your dignity.
Playful lines (e.g., implying they’re the ‘star of the show’) can acknowledge what happened and move on—especially when you don’t want confrontation.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesOne-upping eventually is just corrosive to relationships because it doesn't open a, a, a dialogue for us to be proud of one another, and what it does is it dismisses other people.
— Jefferson Fisher
You're gonna just let them do it because you're going to hear in your mind insecurity.
— Jefferson Fisher
Most of the time when we one-up, it's because there is a insecurity that says, "Ah, I don't feel like now I'm good enough, and now I need to share something to make me sound better, that they feel that I'm also important and that I also have value."
— Jefferson Fisher
It's okay to just lightheartedly go, "That's, that's great. You know, I, I wasn't trying to compare. I was just wanting to share."
— Jefferson Fisher
All you need to do is ask one question, just one question.
— Jefferson Fisher
SPEAKERS
Jefferson Fisher
hostAttorney and communication coach who shares practical advice on handling difficult conversations.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
