what to say to someone who always tries to one-up you

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   When your story gets hijacked by a “better” one

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      So you decide to share a story, and after it's over, your friend turns to you and says, "Ah, that's nothing. I got one even better. This one time..." And there they go. You've just been one-upped. What do you do in that situation, and how should you handle it? That's what we're gonna be talking about on today's episode. [upbeat music] Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to please follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   What one-upping is (and why it feels so dismissive)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I also wanna let you know that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out for preorder, and there in the show notes, you will find the links. Now, in case you aren't familiar with the term, you're certainly familiar with what it feels like. One-upping is where you say something, and somebody else has to make what they say sound bigger, better, and more impressive to where if you were to tell me, "Hey, I just ran a, a 5K." I go, "Oh, that's awesome. You know, last year when I was running this marathon, you know, I had..." Or if you say, "Hey, I just got a promotion." I go, "Oh, that's, that's wonderful. I, I remember when [laughs] I got my promotion. They gave me this really great corner suite." It's always having to make yourself feel like you are the mo- the superior person, the, the bigger, the better. Everything to where it shifts focus away from the original speaker to funnel it back towards ourselves, and that, and that's what happens. It happens to us. It happens to other people. It's a very natural thing to do. So I don't want you to feel like it's

3. 1:31 – 2:01

   A key reframe: one-upping is often insecurity

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      only one person does this. We all do it without thinking of it. It can be little. It can be big. But one-upping eventually is just corrosive to relationships because it doesn't open a, a, a dialogue for us to be proud of one another, and what it does is it dismisses other people. It, it puts, uh, them on an overcast to always overshadow what they're doing. So we're really gonna be careful about it, talk about how to stop it when it's happening to you, what to do, and more importantly, to make sure we don't do it ourselves. Number one, the first

4. 2:01 – 3:34

   Strategy #1: Let them one-up you—once

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      time that somebody one-ups you, you're going to let them. Let them one-up you because the truth is they weren't really listening to your story to begin with. They were only thinking of what they wanted to share to one-up you while you were talking. You're gonna just let them do it because it's also informing you some really important information, and it's this. This person who's one-upping you may not be someone who you need to continue to share things with, somebody who's not gonna really be all that happy for you. So you're going to just let them do it because you're going to hear in your mind insecurity. That's what it is. Most of the time when we one-up, it's because there is a insecurity that says, "Ah, I don't feel like now I'm good enough, and now I need to share something to make me sound better, that they feel that I'm also important and that I also have value." It's this kind of competition, uh, like two kids, um, trying to say who's, who has the better art project between them. Like, with my two kids, my son and my daughter, my son's a little bit older. You know, I... My daughter is always trying to compete, and so is my son, and so we really work to discourage that. But it's kinda that same concept of you also wanna feel like you're adding value and that you're also important. So when somebody's one-upping you, when you see it as insecurity, it takes away, keeps you from getting defensive and takes away that feeling of taking it personally.

5. 3:34 – 4:35

   Ask “Where is the insecurity?” and respond with calm validation

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:34

      That, "Oh, man, this is... How could they do that to me? Can't they see that I'm sharing the story? Oh, they, they just wanted to, uh, show how good they are, always putting me down." Instead, you flip that mentality and go, "What am I missing here?" Ask the question, "Where is the insecurity?" Where is the insecurity? What, what need are they not getting? Yes, it doesn't matter what they look like. It doesn't matter how much money they have. You and I both know people that have a lot of wealth b- in, in life in terms of money, but, and success, but they have little wealth when it comes to f- intrinsic value within themself. They're still unhappy. They're just not happy with their home, their friends, their family. Wealth comes and success comes in many different ways. Y'all know this. But when you hear that insecurity, and you hear that one-upping, that's what I want you to think of, "Where is this coming from?" And you just respond, "Well, that's great. That's, that's good for you. I'm, I'm happy for you," and just let it go and know that this is not somebody that you're gonna continue to share things with. That's why, number

6. 4:35 – 5:35

   Strategy #2: Put your “settings to private” (stop oversharing with them)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:35

      two, I want you to just put your settings to private. When somebody one-ups me, I don't try to say another story. So if I say something that's a two, and they try giving a story that's a six, I'm not gonna go, "Oh, yeah? Well, I got one even better than that," and go for a nine because now I'm just doing it to them. Now it really is a competition. Instead, just understand I'm not gonna share stuff with this person anymore. I'm gonna make sure that I'm not going to overshare. I'm not gonna share this with this stranger or this w- worker that I know or, uh, even people that are within your own family. Like, I, I have members of my own family that if I share something, doesn't matter what kind of success it is, they will bring up a success of their own that should have been better in some way if life had just been differently and just have a tr- have a hard time being happy for somebody. And you really can't control that. That's... There's no phrase I can give you that's gonna make somebody else more happier with their life, that

7. 5:35 – 6:36

   Strategy #3: A light phrase that resets the tone

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:35

      they can be giving in their praise and giving and, and thankfulness of, of hearing your story. And number three, if you're one-up... If, if you get one-upped and, and you're sharing something with someone, it's okay to just lightheartedly go, "That's, that's great. You know, I, I wasn't trying to compare. I was just wanting to share." It's a easy little phrase. I w- I wasn't, I wasn't trying to compare, I was just trying to share. What it's doing is saying, "Hey, look, I'll, I'm, I'll put it on me here. I'll put it on me." I wasn't trying to create a competition, I was just sharing this, this little story. I'll also be kind of light-hearted sometime and go, "Yeah, well, I mean, you know, not all of us can be you. I'm just trying to share my little story over here." And I, I let them be the, be the bigger person. I, I let them be the star of the show because I know really that's, that's what they're needing. And if it is something that I need, then it's me who's the one, I have to have the accolade, I have to f- have this feeling, then it's really a, a great way to turn inside

8. 6:36 – 7:06

   Turn it inward: What do you need when you share?

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:36

      and reflective of saying, "W- what am I needing? Why am I sharing this? Am I sharing this so that they will give me praise? Am I sharing this because I have the insecurity right now?" So it's a great way of just taking yourself out of it, detaching in the moment and saying, "What am I truly needing?" And being very selective with who you share good news with. All right, now we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions, and I'm able to answer them, and it's a whole lot of fun and meaningful to

9. 7:06 – 8:07

   Listener Q&A setup + sponsor break

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:06

      me. So if you're not part of that newsletter, you can sign up there. In the show notes, you'll see the link to sign up for the newsletter. This segment of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth, and it's a good name because their stuff really is cozy. I wore it all weekend long. I like Cozy Earth as a sponsor of this podcast because I use their stuff. Their sheets are on my bed. My wife wears their pajamas, their pajama sets, and I wear most... S- I [laughs] usually wear, um, sweatshirts and sweatpants when it's cold on the weekends. It's just, you wanna be comfortable, right, when you're, when you're home and chilling. So if you're looking for something this holiday season, I would definitely check out Cozy Earth. They're awesome. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. All right, uh, this is... I'm gonna pull up my newsletter. This one I already have ready. This is Renee from Maine. I thought that rhymed for a second. It does not. [laughs] Uh,

10. 8:07 – 8:37

    Renee’s question: ‘How do I stop being the one-upper at work?’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:07

       Renee, she goes, "Jefferson, I love your stuff. Thank you so much." That's very sweet, Renee. Thank you. "I have a question. I work here in a, um, a cubicle setting, and we're very close together. I am somebody who I've..." Let me rephrase that. "My friend who I work with has said I am a one-upper. I really try not to be, but do you have any recommendations or, uh, sh- uh, tips for making sure that I am not the one one-upping my friend?

11. 8:37 – 10:08

    Context matters: friends vs coworkers vs professional culture

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:37

       I really try not to do that. I also think it's kind of oversharing, but I have a problem with that. Any suggestions would help." Renee, I got you. You're not the only one who does that because it's very natural. It's very, very natural to want to, to share and explain things with... You have to remember, all of these tips are contextual, meaning if I'm with one of my best friends, we don't care about one-upping because he knows that I love him and he loves me, and we're proud for each other, and it's, it's n- never a competition. If it's a coworker who I vaguely know and we're just coworker-friends kind of thing, or somebody who's a, a colleague, uh, it's a different feeling. I gotta be careful who I share things with because they might take it competitively. And also sometimes it's just cultural. Like I'll, I'll admit, in the legal world, it's very, very common for, let's say, I gave a, a trial story. I told a story about a, a trial that I had, and another attorney go, "Oh yeah, well, I got this one time..." And then they tell their trial story. And somebody goes, "Well, the one time I had this client..." And they tell something about a deposition. It's very common to, to one-up in a way, but it's just really who can say the funniest thing, or what's a, a, a funny, unique story that you can share, and it's not meant as a dismissing, wanting to overshadow somebody kind of way. So I'm, I'm gonna say any of this advice I'm giving you, Renee, needs to be confined to the context that you're living in. So let's, let's assume, uh, the best. Let's assume that everybody's friends and it's a, uh, a

12. 10:08 – 11:39

    The fix: Ask one follow-up question before sharing your own story

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:08

       good work environment. If you find that you are one-upping people by accident, don't get hard on yourself. This is what I want you to do, and it's easy, Renee. It's easy. When somebody's sharing a story with you, rather than immediately thinking, "Oh, I need to relate to them. I need to tell a story." Instead of immediately going, "Okay, as soon as they finish, I need to give mine so they feel like I'm relating with them in a way and connecting with them," that's not the way it sounds. It sounds like you're one-upping them. That's, that's where the, the pain point is. Instead, Renee, this is so easy. All you need to do is ask one question, just one question. As soon as they finish their story, ask an easy layup question, such as, "What was, what was your favorite part?" Simple as that. "What was your favorite part?" Or, "Can you tell me, uh, tell me more?" Or, "What else happened?" Something to where you just sound like you are engaged just a little bit. If you just add on a little bit, Renee, the other person is going to immediately, like, brighten up, like, "Oh, you listened. Oh, you, you hear me. Oh, you're interested. Okay, I, I'm giving something of value. You do find it funny. You do find it, uh, worthwhile." For them to just give a little bit more, I... My favorite is, "What was your favorite part?" 'Cause when you do that, it gets them to replay back in their mind and share something, maybe an insight that they didn't think of, and they're gonna go, "Oh, I, I really appreciate that question." You know, if you've seen, uh, when celebrities get interviewed, right? When they, when they get

13. 11:39 – 13:09

    Get buy-in: Ask permission to share your similar experience

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:39

       that interview question from someone that they weren't expecting, what do they go? "Oh, that's such a great question. Oh, wonderful. I, I really appreciate that. Nobody ever asked me that." It's because I'm... They're really taking an interest in them. So it's as easy as that, Renee. When somebody's giving a story, instead of immediately sharing your own, just give one little question, like, "What, what was your favorite part?" And watch them just light up, and then, then they're gonna be much more receptive to you sharing yours. Or you can even ask, "Do you mind if I share one? Do you mind if I share something?" I had a similar story." And they're going to, "Yeah." And then once you get their buy-in and they've given you the green flag to, to start, I hope it's a green flag, I don't know what they start in races. Once they say, "Three, two, one, go," then, then you'll be able to share your story, and then they'll be interested and it doesn't feel like a clash. So you're not doing anything wrong, Renee. It's very common. It happens all the time. It just depends who you're talking to, what the situation is, what the environment's like. But it's gonna... It... You'll make it all go away, is all you have to do, is just ask one little question after it, and that's gonna make you connect with them on a level that feels much more comfortable for them to listen to your side of the fence and hear your story. And I think it's gonna be much better for you. And that way you don't feel like you're trying to compete and overexplain or overshare. It's gonna be something that, that'll work out, uh, much better for you. Okay, thank you for listening to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast. And if you

14. 13:09 – 14:08

    Wrap-up: Don’t take it personally; ask one question to build connection

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:09

       would, please leave a review or give a star or a thumbs up or a like or whatever it is on the platform you're listening to, because it really, really makes a difference for me. Um, if you have any topic suggestions that you have, don't ever hesitate to just put them in the comments. And I'm, I'm the one that looks at them, and I always go, "Oh, that's a great topic," or, "That's a good one." And I, I keep those. So if you have something, don't be afraid to, to put it in there. Today we learned all about what do you do when somebody's trying to one-up you? Biggest takeaway is that we're not gonna take it personally. We're gonna see the insecurity in the other person. And we might say something like, "Hey, I wasn't trying to compare. I, I just wanted to, to share what we had." You're gonna find that's gonna smooth most things. And to keep yourself from one-upping somebody, even unintentionally, all you need to do is ask one little question at the end, and they're gonna feel like you're engaging, and it's gonna break away for a much better conversation between the two of you. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 14:08