What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why grief leaves us speechless (and why this episode exists)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      What do you say to someone who's grieving? There's been things in my life, and I know things that have happened in your life, that when it happens, you don't know how to handle it. You don't know what to say. Something so sad. There's been a death. There's an, something happened that's tragic, it's devastating, and you want to be there with them, but you just don't have the words. You don't know if what you're gonna say is gonna make it better or is it gonna make it

2. 0:30 – 1:30

   Quick show notes: podcast intro, subscribe request, sponsor mention

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      worse. That's this episode. [upbeat music] This is the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you're listening, I'm gonna ask that wherever you're listening, find where it says subscribe, a heart, a like, and it's not a forever thing. It's, it's telling the platform that you're listening to that this is good content. And my promise to you is to do that, to make you a better communicator. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. If you're like me, and you enjoy a good night's rest, I'm gonna ask you to consider Cozy Earth. Their sheets are on my bed right now. They are probably the coolest thing I've ever slept on, and I really have trouble sleeping on anything else. If you're like me, and you like comfortable, cozy beds and towels and sheets, which I never thought I'd be at the age to do that, but I, I certainly am now that I [laughs] I really care about it, uh, you need to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. They offer a 100-night trial period,

3. 1:30 – 2:31

   A recent personal loss underscores the stakes

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:30

      which you can't really get any better than that. If you like comfortable sleeps, you need to go check 'em out, cozyearth.com. This episode's gonna be a little bit different because I wanna get right to the point. Here in my personal life, there's been a family who has recently lost their daughter, and their daughter was eight. I can't imagine what that's like. I've had loss in my life. Loss of a child is very different to me. I can't even ... I have a hard time grasping that thought. And maybe listening right now, you can either relate to loss in your own life or you know people close to you that they've recently had loss, and you, you're at a point where you go, "I don't know what to say. H- how do I ... Should I text them? Should I call them? I want them to know that I'm thinking about them, but I don't want it to be surface level. I don't want it to be empty. I don't wanna just be like everybody else." And

4. 2:31 – 3:01

   Why we go silent: fear of hurting them with the wrong words

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      what happens, and it's natural, it's normal, that even people closest to you, when they're going through loss and grief, you just say nothing because you're afraid to say anything at all. Is it gonna hurt? Is it gonna help? Here are some things that I'm going to teach you about when you're communicating with people during periods of grief. When they're going through loss and grief, this is what I want you to do. Number one: I want you to remove the phrase, "Let me know

5. 3:01 – 4:32

   Rule #1: Delete “Let me know if…”—it shifts the burden onto them

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:01

      if." If what you're going to say to them begins with, "Let me know if," stop, erase it. I cannot be any more serious. Do not send it. If I'm gonna send you a text that says, "Hey, let me know if I can help. Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do" you know what I've done? I've just relinquished all accountability, responsibility on myself. I've now put it all on you. "Hey, let me know if you need any help." I've now given you a chore. That is, hey, on top of all the other things you have going on and the emotional turmoil that you're experiencing, now it's your responsibility to reach out to me should you need anything. So first, you have to now decide when you're gonna reach out to me. You now have to decide what kind of help that you need, and you have to decide if it's gonna be helpful or not. It's, it's giving you a chore, something else to do. "Hey, if you need something, you call me. And here, my work, my work here is done. I've, I've now communicated with you. If you need anything, let me know. If I... If there's anything that we can do, please tell me." Nobody's gonna take you up on that. It's, it's a cop-out. That's what it is. I kn- I know it's from a good place. That's... Here's my disclaimer with that. I know it's from a good place. I know that you mean well. I know you're saying this to them 'cause you don't know what else to say. I'm telling you, it's not kind. Scrap it. If it begins with, "Let me know if," delete it. Instead,

6. 4:32 – 5:33

   Replace words with action: do the helpful thing without asking

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:32

      just do the thing you were thinking of doing. Send the help. Be the help. Show up. Mow the yard. Deliver the food. Run the errand. Whatever it is, just do it without even asking. I promise you, that is much better, a much better sign of you being in it with them than just saying, "Let me know if I can help you at all. Let me know if you need anything." Go, go mow their yard. Go deliver food. Even if they don't eat it, it doesn't matter. It's the symbol of it. Even if that errand, you know what? That's one less thing you can take off their plate, the better. Rather than you say, "Hey, let me know if you need any help," which just adds to their plate. Can you see the difference? I know that it comes from a good place. I want you to get in the habit of removing the let me know if. Let me know if you need anything. Eh. Scrap it. Get... I c- I cannot be any

7. 5:33 – 6:03

   Why “Let me know if…” can feel awful in real grief

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:33

      more serious. There's nothing worse than when you're in a time of grief and despair and loss and suffering, when it's now your responsibility to reach out because they won't do it. They won't. How, how can they possibly do it? They, they don't know which way is up. I can tell you if, if, uh, if right now I'm in the same position of some of our friends who just lost their daughter, I, I would be an absolute nutcase. And if I think about it, I'm gonna get really upset, and I I, I'm gonna be in

8. 6:03 – 7:03

   Rule #2: Don’t ask for details—especially when it’s fresh

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:03

      a hard spot because you'd have to lock me up. I can't, I can't even imagine it. So s- so scrap the, "Let me know if," from the question. Cool? Good. Number two, do not ask for details, especially when it's fresh. I, I know that you mean it from a good place. You wanna know all the details when you say, "Oh my gosh, what happened? Oh my goodness, what, what, what this? What, what happened? How did they, how did they pass away? What did they do this? Did they not know about this?" And you're just peppering them with questions. "Oh, did they not know this was coming? Did they know this was appear? Was this..." When you are just g- giving them a litany of a quiz, of a questionnaire. You see that what, in posts on Facebook or Instagram, something happened, and they all wanna know, "What happened? What this? This, this..." Stop it. Stop it. If it's, if it's not... If you're not in the know, then there is a reason, and it's because it's too soon and you're not close enough to it. You will find out when you're supposed to find out. It is

9. 7:03 – 8:05

   What to say instead: ‘No need to respond’ + simple care

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:03

      far kinder for you to say... To text them and say, "No need to respond," period, "Thinking about you," period, or, "Praying for you," or, "Sending you my love," or s- or, or, "Sending a big hug." You hear that that's just, "I'm not asking anything from you"? To be able to... Somebody tell me, "Hey, you... No need to respond. I'm letting you know I'm sending you all the love that I can." How... You see how you're not adding to their plate? When you're peppering them with questions, you're adding to their plate. That's the worst thing you can do. Remove that from their plate. "No need to respond. No need to text me back." And you know what? They're gonna appreciate that because then they'll text you or call you, whatever it is, when you are supposed to know, when they're at a place mentally that they can let you know. So don't be nosy. Don't be trying to get all the facts. Definitely don't try to be playing the, the person of, "Well, didn't they know?" Or, "Were they prepared?" Or, "Did somebody not tell them?" Or any of that stuff that's questioning it as if your question could've changed the outcome,

10. 8:05 – 9:06

    Sponsor break: hydration and LMNT

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:05

       right? That only makes it worse. I know it comes from a good place. Don't do it. [upbeat music] Before we keep going, I wanna take a second to tell you about LMNT. Now, one of the first things that I do in the morning before I go for my coffee is I drink a glass of water. Everybody knows you need to be hydrated, but what I put in that water is even more important. LMNT is nothing more than some sodium, potassium, magnesium, all in the right balance, and it gives me a lot of electrolytes that I put in my water, and it makes me feel great. It helps me feel ready for my day. They have tons of flavors. My favorite is lemon salt. It's like lemonade. Of course, it's gonna be on the saltier side because you need salt. That needs to be part of your diet. Now my kids steal these little packets everywhere, which is cool because I, I know they need it, too, especially running around here in the summer. If you're like me and you want to make sure that you're hydrated whenever you're working out, busy schedule, I want you to go to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson, and you will get

11. 9:06 – 10:40

    Rule #3: Avoid early positivity—don’t ‘spray sunshine’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:06

       a free sample pack of all their flavors. If you don't like it, they'll refund you, no questions asked. Go to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson. Number three, one of the biggest parts of this, and I know it's not gonna feel normal, is you cannot turn to positivity, not out of the gate. I'm not gonna say it's toxic positivity. I'm, I'm just saying any positivity, when it sounds like, "Well, at least they're in a better place," or, "Well, all things, you know, just things happen for a reason," or, I, you know, "I, I know that they're... At least they're not hurting anymore," things that you mean it well, but to the other person, it is nails on a chalkboard when you say, "Well, at least they're in a better place." No, they're not. I want... The better place is with me right here. Don't say that they need to be somewhere else. That's not, that's not something for you to say. That's not something for you to say. Sometimes when you mean it so well, 'cause you wanna be uplifting, you wanna be positive, that's not the time. There's a time to be positive and a time not to be, and when people are experiencing severe grief and depression, and they don't know what to do, and they don't wanna live, and they just wanna go crawl in a dark hole, that is not the time for you to start spraying sunshine. I'm not saying there's n- never a place for it. Now is not the time. Timing is a big component of this. Cool?

12. 10:40 – 12:42

    Better approach: agree with their pain and name the unfairness

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:40

       Positivity is something that we h- always have to have. You know this. Y- if you're listening still right now, you listen to my podcast, and you know positivity is something that we always are about. But timing's a big compo- component of that. Instead of spitting positivity, all right, I want you to agree with their pain. When somebody's going through grief, rather than spitting positive statements like, "Well, at least, at least they're in a better place," scrap that and agree with their pain. That sounds like, "This is terrible. I agree. This isn't right. Nobody should have to go through this." Agree with their pain. That is f- e... That, again, is much kinder. Because before, when you're giving positive statements, you're almost forcing them to try and have a positive outlook. That's not going to happen, especially not then. You're, you're only gonna get anger from them. Anger is very much tied to grief, and that's a process that takes a very long time, that any statements of positivity are not going to force. That's not gonna do it for them. It's only gonna make it worse. But when you agree with their pain, y- absolutely you can apologize for it. "I'm sorry you're having to go through this." Apologizing, nothing wrong with that. That's, that's... You're s- sympathizing with them. You're sympathizing You're empathizing. That's fine. Nobody should have to go through this. It's not fair. This is devastating. This is horrible. I hate it. Things that you just, when I say agree with their pain, think in your mind how it must feel. And that's very hard. What they're going to be thinking, nobody should have to go through this. This is more than I can bear. This is unbearable. That's the kind of stuff that you need to say. Agree with their pain. Do not fight it. Do not try to get them into a happy mindset. It is not the time. It's

13. 12:42 – 14:12

    Recap + authenticity: only offer what you can truly do

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:42

       not the time. So when somebody's going through grief, here's what I want you to do. One, get rid of, let me know if. Instead, just do it. Do the thing. And here's a big part of this. If you're not in a position to do it, don't pretend that you are. I say that very kindly. And I say that very earnestly. If you're not in a position to do the thing, don't pretend that you are. Don't send the text, let me know if I can help. When you're really not in a position to help, you live states away. You're not in a position to help. If you were, you'd already be there. So continue to be genuine with what you say. I know it comes from a good place, but it can come across disingenuous. So scrap that. Two, don't ask for all the details. Not then. You'll find them out when you're supposed to find them out. Just give that time process. I know it's the unknown. It's anxiety of you want to get that information. Now's not the time. Be there with that other person. No need to respond. Just letting you know I'm thinking about you. And three, go back to this part of the insight of realizing there's time for positivity and there's time for not positivity. And when somebody's going through grief, they're grieving because it is a process that is not the time to try to be positive. That's not the time to be positive. Whenever you say, let me

14. 14:12 – 14:44

    Closing: choose connection—hug your loved ones

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:12

       know if there's anything I can do. Yeah, you can give my loved one back to me. That's what you can do. You can't do that. That's what that mind state is. All right. So I want you to go hug somebody. Hug a stranger. I don't care. Go hug your little ones, your loved ones, because we're all going through a lot of hurt in a lot of different ways. Cool. All right. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 14:45