What to Say When Someone Insults You

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   Why questions beat comebacks when you’re insulted

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      I hate to break it to you. The best communicators are not the ones with the best comebacks, the most pithy responses. Best communicators are the ones who ask the best questions. Do you know how hard it is to find the right question? Anybody can have an answer. Anybody can just toss up something, even if it's not true. But a question, finding the right question takes time and it takes skill. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Today, I'm gonna make you a better communicator right now because I'm gonna teach you how to ask better questions when somebody is insulting, when somebody is offending, when somebody is pushing against you. I'm gonna teach you tools right here, quick and dirty, on the same type of communication questions that attorneys use, that I use in depositions, cross-examination. There, there is a whole technique, a whole world of questions that I bet you didn't even know, and today we're gonna talk about it. Also, would you do me a favor? If this podcast, as you listen along, says-- you

2. 1:00 – 2:31

   “Sharpen the ax”: training yourself to stop inventing answers

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      think, "Hey, this is something that somebody else would benefit from," would you do me a favor? If you care about that person, will you just send them this podcast? Will you share it with them? Thank you very much. Questions. It's hard questions. There's that old, I don't know if it's Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, something like that. I think it's, I think it's Lincoln. If they said, uh, "If I had two hours to chop down a tree, I would spend the first, like, hour and a half..." I'm taking very, I'm taking [chuckles] a lot of, uh, liberties with this one. They'd spend, like, the first hour and a half just sharpening their ax. That's what that-- What's that? That's what finding the right question is. Answering, easy. Responding, easy. Question asking is a skill. I, I'll, I'll be the first to admit, my son... I've, I've done this my whole life, truly. I even know my-- I can tell my kids do this. Um, and maybe you n- you know somebody like this, where if somebody's driving down the road, and they go, "Oh, I wonder what that is." You go, "Oh, well, I think that's, you know, that's for actually, you know, if you look at the sun, you can tell..." And you start kind of... I c- I'll just invent an answer. If somebody asks me [chuckles] what this does, I, I start answering my best guess, and thankfully Sierra will be like, "You don't know." I'll be like, "No, I don't know." But I gave it a try. Anybody can just... It, it d- it doesn't take any skill, okay, to give any answer. It takes skill to ask the right question. Communicators, attorneys, especially in deposition format, when you are asking questions, how you ask it

3. 2:31 – 3:01

   Clarity questions: the first line of defense against pushback

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      matters a lot. Number one, the first thing I want you to recognize are clarity questions. Okay? Clarity questions. What does this mean? When somebody is trying to offend you in some way, or somebody pushing against you. That's what-- I'd prefer that. Let's... Somebody pushing against you. Clarifying questions are critical. Now, you'd say, "Oh, well, you know, I, I know what clarifying questions are, Jefferson." It's like, uh, "What do you mean?" Yeah, that's true. That, that is one. Most people don't use it like that, though. People think cl- when I clarify, they

4. 3:01 – 3:32

   Avoid fake “clarifying” statements disguised as questions

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:01

      begin like this: "Okay, just to be clear, you know, you're telling me..." You ever used that before? Somebody says something to you, and you go, "Okay, just, just to be clear," and you start to comment. Hey, just as a heads-up, that, that's not a question. That's, that's a conclusion that's hidden in the form of a question. It's not a real question. It's, it's you trying to position, uh, anchor to be able to say, "Okay, let me just get this straight, buddy. Let me

5. 3:32 – 5:34

   Open-ended vs. leading: changing the question starter changes everything

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      go." That's not really a clarifying question. Clarifying question, there are different types, what we call open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are ones that don't assume an answer, okay? Here's, here's what a, a... Assuming the answer versus not assuming the answer. Assuming the answer says, "Hey, didn't you go to the store yesterday?" Or, um, "Hey, how was it at the, the, the meeting yesterday? You, you were upset about the meeting." Versus, "Hey, where did you go yesterday? What did you do yesterday?" Those are open-ended. We're not gonna assume the answer. Typically, uh, ones that already assume the, the, the answer begin with did, did, or didn't. Didn't you? Open-ended questions don't assume the answer. Different ways to have it. I want you to see the difference in how the starter of the question changes it. What, how, when, where, who, and why. Okay? I'm gonna hit these very quickly. What has to do with information. You're, you are gathering information that you don't have. What happened? What happened next? What do you mean by that? I'm, I'm getting those, that, that information below the surface. It's seeking information. How is a process question. How did that happen? How do you, how, how do you do that? How did you do that? How did you learn that? It's asking for process. Who is identifying. Where, um, it's asking for location. That's pretty obvious. When is more of an anchor question. It's, it's solidifying something in time. Here's the one that you don't wanna do most of the time, and that is why. Why is seeking justification, and we don't like when somebody asks me to justify my position. It feels like you're questioning my autonomy. Imagine if you just made a, I don't know, a paper airplane, and you really spent some time on it, and I just went up right behind you and go, "Why'd you do it like that?" How are you gonna feel? How

6. 5:34 – 6:35

   Prefer “what” and “how” under fire—skip “why” most of the time

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:34

      are you gonna feel? You're gonna feel like, "What are you-- Because I wanted to. That's why, Jefferson." There are certain ways of clarifying questions. So if you want to... Somebody's saying something that's pushing against you, what I prefer is going to either what or how. What or how. It can be as simple as what we just mentioned. What do you mean by that? What I would do often in the deposition, and I-- when somebody would say a statement to me, I'd say, "You mean that specifically or generally?" Naturally, they pick one, okay? And almost always they go, "Ah, uh, generally." And I go, "Okay, well what about specifically?" And they go, "Oh, well specifically," and they start giving me things and naming things that they never would have said had I not gone a little bit more specific. Clarifying question goes, "Okay, what do you, what do you mean by that specifically? Okay, if I broke that down, h-how... What do you, what do you... What is going on there? What's happening? What's coming up? What's happening beneath the surface?" How question, it's as simple as just asking, "How so?" Somebody says something

7. 6:35 – 8:06

   Why questions de-escalate: they force a pause and switch to logic

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:35

      that's pushing on you, "Man, you, you, I just feel like you, you really don't get it." You go, "How so?" You hear how I am asking a question instead of pushing back on them. Here is this breakdown. I should have said this at the beginning, but I'm gonna say it to you now. When you respond to a question, okay, when you respond to a question, it gives them something to fight against. When you ask them a question, it requires an answer from them, from them. So you don't give them anything, anything to fight against. It makes them go, "Oh, all right." They have to like pause in their mind and go, "Okay, w- what do I..." It's hard for people when they're emotionally flooded to answer logical questions. So when you ask logical questions, okay, cl- uh, clarifying questions, the other type we're about to talk about, it m- it makes their brain go, "H- hold up," and they kind of almost have to stop because they... And, and maybe you've seen this, and maybe you've felt it yourself. All of a sudden it's like a light, a, a light switches or a, a different, uh, toggle goes off of going, "Okay, hold up. I have to think analytically here," and you have to grab yourself back. It's hard when somebody is really flooded and you go, "Give... I need, I need a specific example." You ever, somebody ever said that to you? "Okay, name, name an example. Name a time that that's happened," and you can't name a time. You know there's plenty. You know what? It's happened all the time in your mind, but you can't remember it. All of a sudden it's gone

8. 8:06 – 9:07

   Process-focused ‘how’ questions that expose the impact of the insult

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:06

      because that emotional side is driving the car, like the one I'm in, but not your, your logical side. So asking a question of reasoning or how, right, of, of process makes them have to stop and think. Simple as, "How, how so? How do you mean by that? How did you come across that? H- how did you, how did you feel when you first said that?" Right? You see how we're, we're starting to go into the process of getting that logical brain? "How, how does that make you feel when you say that to me?" That's often one I've gone to and teach plenty of times. If somebody is saying something insulting or offensive, you, you point out the process. You do that. That's why I begin the question with how. Then somebody says something, you go, "How do you feel when you say that to me? How does, how does saying that out loud make you... And knowing that you're saying it to me, how does that make you feel right now? How do you feel about that right now? How did you expect me to feel? How

9. 9:07 – 10:07

   Questions of intent: put the spotlight on motive

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:07

      did you expect me to respond to that?" You hear, you hear all those? That's where that comes from. It, it begins with how. It begins with how, the process of those questions. Okay, those are clarifying questions. We talked about open-ended questions. Number two, I want to go into questions of intent. Questions of intent. These are ones that put the spotlight back on the other person that, by definition here, go to what they meant. What's their motive? What was their intention in saying those kind of things? And people don't like to reveal their real intention. They don't like that. They don't like that. They, they don't wanna be... They wanted you to respond. Don't ask me questions. Y- I want you to respond to my insult. Give me something to fight against. Don't, don't give me something to answer to, respond to. That's no fun, right? This is, it's, that's, that's the way that this thing goes. So what's a, what's a, a question of intent? It

10. 10:07 – 11:37

    Flip your feelings into a ‘Did you mean…?’ question

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:07

       sounds like, w- what did you intend by saying that? It is, uh... These are type of process questions. These type, t- these are a type of information gathering questions. I want you to hear what these sound like. "Did you mean..." This is also a little bit of leading. "Did you mean to upset me?" You see how I'm leading with that? That's how I'm feeling in that moment, so I'm gonna lead with that. So as- assume... Here we go. Let me, let me reframe that better. Somebody said something to you and made you feel a certain way. Maybe it's embarrassing. Maybe it's, it felt disrespecting, respectful to you. Maybe, maybe it felt, uh, harsh to you. Use that and instead of going, "Ugh, that felt harsh. That, that was embarrassing. That was disrespectful," take it and flip it and turn it into a question. Don't give them something to fight against. Give them something to answer to. Oof, I love that. I was feeling that one. Okay, so take that feeling and flip it into a, "Did you mean?" Lead. It's a leading question with that. "Did you mean to embarrass me? Did you mean for that to sound so harsh? Did you mean for that to sound short? Did you mean to insult me? Did you mean for that to sound offensive?" However you're feeling, flip it into a question and give it to them to answer to. And what you're gonna find is a lot of people can't answer that very well because it's gonna reveal they're ugly. It's gonna show that, yeah, they, they truly did mean

11. 11:37 – 14:10

    How people respond tells you who they are

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:37

       for that to, to hurt you. I want you to find the person who's in your life and they say something that's harmful. You say, "Did you mean for that to hurt me?" Oof. "Did you mean for that to hurt me?" People who love you often will go, "You know what? I, I shouldn't have said that." They're gonna apologize. "You know what? I, I realize now I said that to be hurtful, and that wasn't helpful at all, and I, I'm sorry. I take those, those words back." Other people They're going to hopefully apologize, right? That's how they're going to answer it. Or they're going to answer by capitulating, by going, well, you know, it just makes me so mad. And the emotions are still going to drive it. But you listening and being a sophisticated listener are going to go, ha, okay, I hear this. I see what they're actually really trying to do. And they got caught. They got their hand caught in the cookie jar trying to insult me. And I didn't give them the fight against. They had nothing to go with. I was a big wet blanket on them because I gave them something to answer to. Questions of intent. Did you intend for that to upset me? What was your motive in saying that? Questions of intent. Did you purposely try to hurt me? I love did you mean. Did you mean is very easy to give that because it's a leading question into how you feel. But you can certainly say, was it your intent? Was it your motive? Was it your purpose? Yeah? Question of intent. What was the meaning behind the words? What did you intend by saying that? What was your motive in saying that? Before we get going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Athena. 15 plus hours a week. If you could get back 15 plus hours a week, would it make your life a little bit easier? I always find that it is not the big thing that you have going on during the week. It's all the little bitty things that pile up. Athena makes it all better. They pair you with a full-time dedicated executive assistant, not some AI software, but a real person to help you with all the little things that fall through the cracks. Maybe it's a doctor's appointment. Maybe it's ordering that thing, that gift for that somebody, that trip that needs to be booked. All these things that just pile up and feel so heavy on you. Athena's clients get back on average 15 plus hours a week by having this executive assistant. I can tell you they make things a million times easier and Athena is top of the top. Right now you can go to athena.com slash jefferson and

12. 14:10 – 16:12

    No-oriented ‘reasonability’ questions: get agreement through ‘no’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:10

       get your executive assistant and 15 plus hours back a week. That's athena.com slash jefferson. And now let's keep going. All right. Three. This is the one that is a little bit technical, but you're a technical person. So you got this in the bag. These are questions that are no oriented questions. What I call questions of reasonability. What do I mean by reasonability? I mean that they would look unreasonable to not go along with you. You're asking questions that sound so reasonable that to not agree with you would make the other person look unreasonable. Here's what I mean. I'm going to use the question to get to a no. This is a skill. And this is if you want more on this friend of mine and Chris Foss, awesome guy, good friend of mine does quite no oriented questions. And he's a he's a master at this. And these play really well also in the courtroom. So you would begin with the negative. So instead of saying, hey, can you just lower your volume? The other person is not going to want to do that. To get for them to do what you're wanting them to do, they'd have to answer yes. But we want to get to a no because people like to say no more than they like to say yes. You with me? OK, so if I flip the question to begin with a negative and it sounds like this. Are you against lowering your voice? Now, for them to do what I want them to do, which is lower their voice, they need to answer no. No is more comfortable to say. So instead of going, can you lower your voice? Can you just take it down a notch? Which they're not going to want to do. And you would need them to say yes. Instead, hey, would it be unreasonable for us to take it down a notch? So I flipped it at the beginning. No oriented question. So take any question you want to ask and turn it into

13. 16:12 – 19:16

    Examples in action: de-escalating and ‘breaking the ice’ with negatives

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:12

       a no response. Whatever no response that you're wanting to get. So I can say, would it be unreasonable? Are you against? Would it offend you? Hear all those? Those are questions that are going to lead them to need to say no to answer your question. Hey, would it offend you if we took this step by step? Are you against speaking to me in a more respectful tone? You get what I'm saying? So use the negative to your advantage. I use this often in depositions to get somebody to agree with me in a way they didn't expect. OK, this is what I mean. Let's say there's a witness in the deposition, court reporter, other attorney, and I'm sitting there. I might begin with there's one I could say, is it possible that that's again, that's I'm wanting to get to a yes. Like, for example, is it possible for for us to make sure that we're taking this a little bit slowly? There's a chance I'm saying what's what's the chance that we can letting that go? Instead, I'd begin with, hey, is it unreasonable to ask that if I if there's anything I say that doesn't make sense to you or is confusing, you'll let me know? And they go, yeah, no, no, that's that's no, that's fine. I'm getting them to a no. Yeah, I can use this in a lot of different ways. OK, let's let's assume let's put this in another context. Let's say I have another witness. This happens. This has happened before and they're there. And I begin with, would it offend you if I ask a little bit more on what your process was thinking about this? And they go, no, no, no, that's fine. OK, thank you. And then I start asking more questions. You see how I'm like, I'm breaking the ice by letting it in instead of asking, "Hey, can I ask you some really personal things?" And they're gonna, gonna go, "I mean, no, like I don't want you, I don't want you to." But if I flip it to get a no answer, say, "Hey, would it offend you if I asked some things that they're gonna be a little bit more personal, though they're gonna be really beneficial to your testimony?" You see what I mean? Okay. How can you use this? I want you to use this in times when you need to deescalate a situation beginning with would it offend you? Would it, would you be against? Would it be inconvenient? Would it, uh, be unreasonable? That's very simple. That's why it's called a question of reasonability. Would it be unreasonable to ask you to X, Y, and Z, or for you to X, Y, and Z? Whatever it is, okay? When you position it that way and put it in that kind of frame, all of a sudden for them to disagree would make them sound unreasonable. That's how that

14. 19:16 – 22:52

    Advanced move: ask them to repeat the insult + closing challenge

    1. JFJefferson Fisher19:16

       thing works. Okay. Questions. I love questions. I'm a question collector, I think, if there's any way to do it. So I, I have a, I have a challenge for you, a question for you. If you have a question that you love to use in any conversation, any argument that has worked well for you, share it. Share it in any comment below. I wanna read it. I'm sure everybody else would love to read it. So if there's a question, again, not some kinda take down comeback response, we're not doing... Forget that. Is there a question that you tend to use that has led to positive outcome results for you, right? Now I'm, we're not talking about anything sharp and snippy. The real positive results that have pushed the conversation along. Questions take skill. It doesn't take that long to find the right answer. It, it can take a very long time to find the right question. Questions are great. Why? I'm gonna say it one more time. Because answering, responding gives people something to fight against. They want to defend even more. They want to shut you down. But when you ask a question, it makes them have to answer to something. For, for them to get what they want, they ha- they now have to answer the question. That's the skill that, that's there to learn. So how can you, you know, like that process question, how can you find better ways to ask questions in your day-to-day with your kids, at home, with your spouse, with your significant other, at work, with your supervisor, with your boss, with employees, with coworkers? How are you using your questions? Are you using the right kind of opener for these questions? Are you trying to use a process question, but really you're wanting some justification as to what happened? Are you trying to play a little bit too soft when really what you need to do is ask a question of intent to find out what's going on rather than, than you just swallowing it and going, "Well, I guess they're just upset at me," when they're not at all. But h- if you ask a question of intent, you'd find out. You'd find out. Or maybe, maybe if somebody's really doing something so horrible you need to tell them, maybe they're, they're saying something so terrible to you, so insulting, you need to ask them to repeat what they said. When somebody insults you, belittles you, one of my favorite pieces of advice, I'd probably say one of my number one pieces of advice that has gone many places on the internet, is asking somebody to repeat it. Whatever they said, ask them to re- repeat it. "Can you say that again? I need you to say that again. I... Can you repeat exactly what you said?" And they usually can't. Why? Because just like we talked about, they don't want to reveal the ugly. They don't wanna really share their, their true motive when deep down their motive was to hurt, and now they're faced, they're faced with that. But you let that be them. Don't, don't... You do not be responsible for, for their, for their words, for their choices. Cool? But you can be responsible for the questions that you ask, just to be clear. Kidding. Okay. If this was helpful to you, share it with somebody you care about. Be good. Bye, guys.

Episode duration: 22:53