Joe Rogan Experience #1082 - Greg Fitzsimmons

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (singing) Another episode of…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (singing) Another episode of the Richard Jeni Fan Club. He's, he's a guy that I've been telling forever is probably the most underrated stand-up in the history of stand-up. I think he's, like, one of the all-time greats.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:14

      And he's got a body of work because he did a one-hour... Back before everybody was doing one-hour specials every year, he was doing that shit back in the, the '90s.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:21

      Oh, yeah. On Showtime-

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:23

      Showtime, every year.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:24

      ... he had a Showtime one. Like, when I was just starting out, so I think it was like '89 or '90, somewhere around the... He had a Showtime special.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:33

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:33

      And then he had a bu-

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:35

      Platypus Man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:36

      Yup, he had a bunch of HBO specials, but the last one that he did before he died in 2007, that is his masterpiece.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:43

       Really?

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       Yeah, it's called A Steaming Pile of Me. And I was listening to it one night coming home from a club and just laughing out la- loud in the car and clapping, (clapping) clapping in the car.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:55

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:55

       Like, goddamn, this guy was good.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:57

       Yeah, what a pro.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:58

       He was so good.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:59

       I mean, he was one of those guys that dressed... He put on a sharp outfit-

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:03

       Yeah.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:04

       ... with pleated pants. You know, really fucking corny, like, '90s looking-

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:08

       (laughs)

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:08

       ... you know, coll- the collar with no... You know, the, the rounded priest collar shirts.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       Well, he was from Bensonhurst.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:14

       Oh, is that right?

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:15

       Yeah, yeah. It's th- that old school-

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:16

       Oh, yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:17

       ... ginny mentality-

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:18

       Right, right.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:18

       ... from Brooklyn. (laughs)

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:20

       Yeah. And he would, uh, he would give you li- I can remember, like, at least three times he would call me an hour after my set and give me taglines to bits.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:30

       Wow.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:31

       Yeah, and they were fucking good.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:00

      ravens." And, uh, they're f- they're big. I mean, they're a good two feet long.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      Yeah.

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:05

      And it was on top of a possum and it was fucking picking it apart. And the thing was alive. The possum was alive.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:11

      What?

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:12

      Yeah.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:12

      Really?

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:13

      And so I, uh, so I tried to scare this, this, uh, black bird away, and he looked at me like, "I'm not going anywhere. I got a fucking possum here."

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:21

      Whoa.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:21

      And so I got a broom and I like pushed him away.

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:24

       You hit him?

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:24

       And he took off. Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:25

       He let you get that close?

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:26

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:26

       You could touch him?

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:27

       Oh yeah. He wasn't leaving the possum.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:28

       Whoa.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:29

       And then he, uh, he stood like 12 feet away and I got a shoe box and I put the possum in it. But the, the possums, they hiss at you. They open their mouths and they just go like, "Hiss." And they got vicious teeth, you gotta be really careful with them. But I got it in the shoe box and I called Animal Services and they came and got it.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:47

       Look at you out there saving possums.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:48

       That's right. I love possums.

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       Do you?

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:50

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       You got a thing for them?

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:51

       Yeah, they're cute as shit. I love them. And they're just so mysterious. You know, they come out at night and they-

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:57

       Yeah, like where are they hiding in the day?

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:59

       One of them used to sleep in ... I had some shrubs on the side of my lawn and he was ... You could s- ... If you looked inside, you could see him hanging upside down.

   26. JRJoe Rogan16:06

       Whoa.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:07

       Yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan16:07

       Oh, that's right. They hang.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:08

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:09

       What a fucked up animal.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      has saturated fats too.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:01

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:01

      It's really good for you. Avocado's a fucking wonderful food. Wonderful.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:06

      I'm 155 pounds.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:08

      Ooh.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:09

      And, but I had a fucking belly just because, uh, you know, I was riding on crashing last year, and they would have ... We would have, like, five meals a day, muffins being handed out. And I put on six pounds, and it all was in my belly.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:22

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:23

      Just breads and processed shit. And so January 1st, I cut out all bread, all pasta, all sugar, and I've been working out like five days a week-

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:31

      Dude.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:31

       ... and the belly just fucking disappeared.

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:33

       Look at you. You seem like you got some pep in your step.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:35

       A little bit.

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:36

       A little bit. A little bit extra, right?

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:37

       Ritalin also helps.

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:38

       Oh, that, that does it. (laughs)

   16. NANarrator30:39

       (laughs)

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:40

       (laughs) And a lot of coffee.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:42

       Do you ever get your hormones checked?

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:43

       No.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:44

       No? You probably should.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:45

       See if the testosterone level's there?

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:47

       Yeah. You know, that's a, a major factor in depression.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:51

       ... no shit.

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:51

       Major factor, yeah.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:52

       Wow.

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:52

       It's a major factor in people with, um, head injuries.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:56

       Yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:56

       Um, people that have, uh, come back from war that have been, um, you know, like a lot of IEDs, been around a lot of explosions, been jolted a lot, um, football players, of course boxers, MMA fighters. Um-

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:08

       They lose testosterone-

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       Mm-hmm.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Hey. …

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:00

      softcore porn came out-

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:01

      Hey.

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:02

      ... with her in it.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:03

      Oh.

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:03

      And she had the sickest body.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Smoking.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:05

      And that was a VHS tape that got passed around that was-

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:09

      Greasy.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:09

      ... covered in DNA. (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:16

       (laughs)

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:16

       Yeah. Um, but Lauren was a really sweet, special person. She was great.

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:21

       Yeah. She's a very nice person.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:23

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:23

       That's right. I forgot that she passed away.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:24

       Hmm.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:25

       I never ran into her... I ran into her once out here a long time ago, like more than 15, 16 years ago.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:33

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:34

       (sighs) God.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:36

       There is those comics that are... that... Like, Colin Quinn is one of them, where it just... They have saved so many comics in trouble, it's amazing.

   20. JRJoe Rogan45:43

       Has he? Colin has?

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:45

       Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Co-

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:45

       He's a great guy.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:46

       Yeah. He helped, uh... well, tried to help Geraldo. I, I shouldn't name people's names if it's program stuff, but, uh-

   24. JRJoe Rogan45:53

       Well, some people are open about it.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:54

       Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       I think all comics are. Becomes a part of your fucking act.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:59

       Right, right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:00

       I mean, who, who, who gets sober and doesn't start talking about it?

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:03

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:03

       That's like... Jesus Christ, why wouldn't you mind that?
5. 1:00:00 – 1:10:49

   (coughs) …

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:00

      They are, they are the jock class.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:02

      (coughs)

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:02

      They, they did it their whole lives.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:03

      (laughs)

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:03

      They dreamed of l- the shining moment.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      Mm-hmm.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:05

      Let 'em have their shining moment.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:08

      Right. But what about the natural athletes? What about the Herschel Walkers out there that don't need it?

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:12

      Right. Well, they're in the other league.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:15

       Well, for them, they're like, "Well, you shouldn't be a fucking athlete."

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:18

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:18

       You know? "I need it."

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:19

       Right.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:19

       Or, "I don't need it. Y- you need it."

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:22

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:23

       But I always wondered about those guys. Like, are they being honest that they don't take it? Like, H- Herschel Walker, like, deep into his 40s was claiming that he never took anything and, uh, that he only ate a bowl of soup and a salad a day.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:36

       No shit.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:37

       Doesn't make sense.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:38

       Oh, didn't, didn't his mother do the Campbell Soup commercial-

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:41

       I don't know.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:42

       ... with him?

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:00:42

       The thing about Herschel, though, is that he also has, um, multiple personality disorder.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:48

       Oh, no shit.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:00:48

       Yeah, I think he has, um, str- stress or trauma-induced, trauma-induced multiple personality disorder.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:57

       Wow.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:00:58

       So it's entirely possible that when he says, "I only took a bowl of soup and a salad," he's telling the truth, but that's him. There's, like, five other people that live inside his brain and they've been eating steak all day-

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:08

       Right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:08

       ... doing steroids.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:09

       Right.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:11

       I don't know.

Episode duration: 2:28:31