Joe Rogan Experience #1409 - Joey Diaz

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   Get that picture of…

   1. JDJoey Diaz0:02

      Get that picture of that fucking monkey I sent you this morning for breakfast?

   2. JRJoe Rogan0:05

      What's that?

   3. JDJoey Diaz0:06

      Who sends you those type of pictures anymore?

   4. JRJoe Rogan0:08

      What, what, oh, that-

   5. JDJoey Diaz0:09

      The pictures.

   6. JRJoe Rogan0:10

      ... that, that, the picture you sent me? Yeah, that, that girl's, uh, lovely private parts?

   7. JDJoey Diaz0:14

      Oh.

   8. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      That's the best name for a vagina, monkey. (laughs)

   9. JDJoey Diaz0:18

      (laughs) I send them to everybody too, presidents of corporations-

   10. JRJoe Rogan0:21

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz0:21

       ... cops, on Monday, happy Monday.

   12. JRJoe Rogan0:24

       (laughs)

   13. JDJoey Diaz0:24

       You make their day, everybody's day is a lot better. Start the day on the right foot, you know? (laughs)

   14. JRJoe Rogan0:29

       Especially p- presidents of corporations, people that... Can you imagine if you had to work in a fucking office for your, your, your whole life, as old as we are now? If we were in an office since the time we were really 23, 24 years old? Right outta school, just every day, button down, trying not to say anything that's gonna get you in trouble. Just trying to fucking make it to five o'clock, and then immediately go to a bar and talk shit with your friends, and then do it all over again on Monday. Oh.

   15. JDJoey Diaz0:54

       I, I time it so I know you're in a meeting.

   16. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       (laughs)

   17. JDJoey Diaz0:57

       I know that you're in a meeting with eight white dudes-

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00

       (laughs)

   19. JDJoey Diaz1:00

       ... and they're real serious about, you know, numbers has to be up, statistics. And all of a sudden your phone rings, you fucking open it up and it's a picture of a woman's vagina.

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:09

       (laughs)

   21. JDJoey Diaz1:09

       And it breaks up the whole morning, you're like, "Thank God Joey Diaz exists, because he understands what I'm going through."

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:16

       h-

   23. JDJoey Diaz1:16

       That's tough, that's tough, going to sales meetings. I used to go to sales meetings and they talk about... Dog, do you know I went to Anthony Robbins, uh, things?

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:24

       Did you?

   25. JDJoey Diaz1:25

       When I was a burglar I went to Anthony Robbins things.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:27

       To be a better burglar?

   27. JDJoey Diaz1:28

       No, and I ended up kidnapping the motherfucker. He focused me.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:31

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz1:31

       I walked on the coals. I was all in with Anthony Robbins-

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:34

       You walked on the coals?
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Mm. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz15:00

      you're like, "You're..." In his mind, he's thinking he's the coolest guy in the fucking world.

   2. JVJamie Vernon15:05

      Mm.

   3. JDJoey Diaz15:05

      That guy thinks he's fucking Ricky Gervais.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:08

      That is actually a cool-looking one. Look at that front scoot, uh, hood scoop.

   5. JDJoey Diaz15:11

      Joe, that's a casket. (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:13

      (laughs)

   7. JVJamie Vernon15:13

      (laughs)

   8. JDJoey Diaz15:13

      That's a casket.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:14

      Is that the headlight? No, it's a hood scoop.

   10. JDJoey Diaz15:16

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:16

       Is that their high beams? What is that?

   12. JVJamie Vernon15:17

       Uh, I don't know. I'm thinking it might. It looks like headlights, but...

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:19

       I think that's actually a real hood scoop, for some strange reason.

   14. JVJamie Vernon15:22

       It has a plastic piece over it.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:23

       Yeah, what is that?

   16. JVJamie Vernon15:24

       (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:24

       Is that f- is that clear plastic over it? Is that what I'm looking at?

   18. JVJamie Vernon15:26

       It could be because it's inside, but I don't know.

   19. JDJoey Diaz15:28

       I'm telling you-

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:29

       So crazy.

   21. JDJoey Diaz15:29

       ... that's like the RX-7. The RX-7 was a casket for two.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:32

       Was it?

   23. JDJoey Diaz15:33

       Remember the Mazda RX-7?

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       Yeah. Yeah.

   25. JDJoey Diaz15:35

       I fucking hated that car. You know why, though? And that's, uh-

   26. JRJoe Rogan15:38

       Why?

   27. JDJoey Diaz15:38

       ... because I was coming home one January 1st and I was one of the first people on the site. And I was, I, I don't know, I don't wanna say I, I, I was tripping on something, I was on some type of drug but I wasn't over the hill. I was still alert. And we were, like, maybe the third car there. And it was a Mazda that had hit a pole head-on and it was split down the middle all the way to the windshield, and I could hear the girl yelling.

   28. JRJoe Rogan16:06

       Oh my God.

   29. JDJoey Diaz16:07

       And we were there. The fire department came, ambulance, a couple heroes trying to get him out.

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:13

       Oh.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   I can't do it.…

   1. JVJamie Vernon30:00

   2. JDJoey Diaz30:00

      I can't do it.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      Biggie, Biggie, Biggie. Can't you see?

   4. JDJoey Diaz30:02

      And the Subaru I love that I have.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:04

      Sometimes his voice, it hypnotizes me.

   6. JDJoey Diaz30:04

      But people are like, "Dog, why are you driving a lesbian car?" People always say that shit to me.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:08

      (laughs)

   8. JVJamie Vernon30:09

      (laughs)

   9. JDJoey Diaz30:09

      And it hurts my feelings. Like, "Why are you driving a lesbian car?" Dog, it's not a lesbian car. It's a fucking Subaru, man.

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:14

       You love a reliable car. I respect that about you.

   11. JDJoey Diaz30:17

       I wanna get in the car and start it. I don't wanna be in service.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:20

       I don't think these things are unreliable anymore.

   13. JDJoey Diaz30:22

       I don't wanna... You know, I got free service. I... You know, the, the warranties they give you now are fucking, you know... Volkswagen, which nobody buys.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:30

       Look at that, Joey.

   15. JDJoey Diaz30:31

       Joes- What is that?

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:32

       That's a Cadillac.

   17. JDJoey Diaz30:34

       Oh, that's fucking beautiful.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:34

       CTS-V. Look at that fucking car. Is that the coupe?

   19. JVJamie Vernon30:38

       I don't know.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:38

       Is that a four-door? It's hard to tell, 'cause the, the picture's so dark.

   21. JVJamie Vernon30:41

       Yeah, there's four doors on that.

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:42

       That's a four-door?

   23. JVJamie Vernon30:43

       Oh, no. That's two.

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       That's two? Yeah. See that little rear window? That's not, like, a full window.Wow, that's a beautiful car, man. They make some killer... You know what's a killer fucking car right now if you want an SUV? A Lincoln Navigator. The new one is insane.

   25. JDJoey Diaz30:59

       I wonder what happened to Lincoln. Are they still in business?

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       They only make the Navigator, and then they make-

   27. JDJoey Diaz31:04

       (coughs)

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:04

       ... one other, uh, m- one or two other luxury coupes-

   29. JDJoey Diaz31:09

       Lincoln made some-

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       ... like, which are very nice.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   (laughs) …

   1. JDJoey Diaz45:00

      one, you throw an episode of The Sopranos on for one, you throw an episode of something else, then you go back to writing. Maybe you take a nap, take a nice 20-minute shower, we'll do a seven o'clock show in case you sell out. You do the second show, but if not, you're back in your room at 10:30. (inhales deeply) Little room service, you throw on a movie you haven't seen, you eat an edible. (snaps fingers)

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:23

      (laughs)

   3. JDJoey Diaz45:23

      You're up at 5:00, you're at the airport at 6:00, you're back at LAX at 9:00.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:27

      I wanna see this documentary. Sounds perfect.

   5. JDJoey Diaz45:30

      That's, that's the, what works for me now for me to be most effective. You know, I could be a gavone and go out there on Wednesdays, but by Saturday, I'm not gonna be a good comic.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:40

      Yeah, I think we still-

   7. JDJoey Diaz45:41

      I'm not gonna be a good comic for you.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:42

      Put in the reps, and put in the reps in town, it's just about reps. You know, as many reps as you can get. The thing about the road when you're doing those Wednesday through Sundays is that you're getting long reps. You're getting, like, hour sets every show. Yeah.

   9. JDJoey Diaz45:55

      Which is great, too.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       Yeah.

   11. JDJoey Diaz45:56

       I mean, I'm not, I'm not... I thi- I, m- for me as a, where we're at now, I want to give them 150% every show. Last night I went to The Comedy Store and I got two dick suckings right out of the way. I mean, I sucked a bag of dick in the main room, and then I took that same energy into the original room and sucked another bag of dicks.

   12. JRJoe Rogan46:17

       (laughs)

   13. JDJoey Diaz46:17

       But I wanted to try new material. See, I was failing in the past. I was going to all these other clubs and going, "Let me not, let me not try shit at The Comedy Store." Listen, you bring everything to the chapel at The Comedy Store and let the pieces fall where they may. It's 15 to get in. You do know that?

   14. JRJoe Rogan46:32

       Yeah.

   15. JDJoey Diaz46:32

       And they're gonna see 22 comics and so-

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:34

       And they're gonna see 22 comics that headline all over the world.

   17. JDJoey Diaz46:37

       Yeah. So suck my dick. I'm gonna go up there and give you 150%, but I'm gonna go up there and try new shit. Last night I was talking about that we've all as men at one time or another me too'd somebody. That's how you learn not to be a me tooer, is by me twoing somebody one time, and then you go, "That wasn't right, and then I'll never me too again." For me, I was v-

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:58

       It's a weird adjective.

   19. JDJoey Diaz46:59

       Oh, and I started out with it. I opened up with it to really put myself in the fucking hole of debt. I might as well go out there with a Clint Cooper.

   20. JRJoe Rogan47:06

       Is, is that, is that an adverb? What is that?

   21. JDJoey Diaz47:07

       Me twoing?

   22. JRJoe Rogan47:09

       Is it a verb?

   23. NANarrator47:10

       Yeah, that's a verb.

   24. JRJoe Rogan47:11

       If you me too somebody?

   25. JVJamie Vernon47:11

       Has to be an adverb, yeah. It's like a...

   26. JRJoe Rogan47:13

       Yeah.

   27. JDJoey Diaz47:14

       The only way you learned (laughs) how to me-

   28. JRJoe Rogan47:16

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz47:16

       The only way you learn how to not be m- a me tooer is by me twoing. You shoplifted candy when you were a kid, right?

   30. JRJoe Rogan47:22

       Yeah.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:11:42

   Ooh, he's handsome. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:00:00

      he went on to become Jan-Michael in The Mechanic. Look at ... Yeah, look at him, dawg.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:07

      Ooh, he's handsome.

   3. JVJamie Vernon1:00:09

      (laughs)

   4. JDJoey Diaz1:00:09

      Dawg, he was the first Brad Pitt.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      He was. Look how gripped he is too.

   6. JDJoey Diaz1:00:13

      He was the original Brad Pitt.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:14

      Look at him running. Look at this science fiction where he's out-sprinting black guys.

   8. JVJamie Vernon1:00:18

      (laughs)

   9. JDJoey Diaz1:00:18

      (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:18

       This is a science fiction movie.

   11. JDJoey Diaz1:00:21

       Well, this is why he was the great-

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:22

       Look at this.

   13. JDJoey Diaz1:00:22

       ... The World's Greatest Athlete.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:23

       With beautiful hair, this white guy is out-sprinting ... Everyone else looks like they're straight outta Jamaica, right outta the Jamaica track team. (laughs) This is a ridiculous film. Look how much further he is ahead of than those guys who you know would beat him in a real race.

   15. JDJoey Diaz1:00:40

       Even the Black people are cheering for him.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:42

       (laughs)

   17. JVJamie Vernon1:00:43

       (laughs)

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:00:43

       Even the brothers are cheering for him.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:00:44

       Tigers. He did look fucking fantastic back then, though. Like, look what kind of shape that guy was in.

   20. JDJoey Diaz1:00:49

       Look at the guy from Good Times, Howard. This is a great movie. This is one of his first movies that blew him up. Then he got The Mechanic and fucking ... That's how they're killing people today, with the-

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:01:02

       How about Good Times?

   22. JDJoey Diaz1:01:04

       The, the TV show?

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:01:05

       Remember that fucking show?

   24. JDJoey Diaz1:01:06

       Dawg, I saw her in an audition about 15 years ago, LaWanda, the neighbor. I told her, "I fucking loved you when I was a kid."

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:01:15

       Oh, that's awesome.

   26. JDJoey Diaz1:01:15

       And she still looked good. She was the neighbor lady, not the skinny daughter.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:01:20

       Yeah. Pull up the cast-

   28. JDJoey Diaz1:01:21

       Not the-

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:01:21

       ... of Good Times. Dude, this, this show ... J.J. Walker still, to this day, is known for one saying, "Dynamite."

   30. JDJoey Diaz1:01:31

       And he won't say it unless you give him three grand.

Episode duration: 3:05:27