Joe Rogan Experience #1712 - Bert Kreischer Part 1

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. BKBert Kreischer0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. NANarrator0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (instrumental music)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:12

      We're up.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:13

      Oh, yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:15

      Hey... Bert just took a selfie. Salut, my brother.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:17

      Cheers, brother.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      So good to see you.

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:19

      It's great seeing you, man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      Oh my God.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:22

       (slurps)

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:22

       How long has it been? It's been months and months.

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:24

       It's been (sighs) all quarantine. No, no, it's the first quarantine that we did a podcast right when, uh, I think my special aired.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       Right, right when it started going down.

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:32

       When we didn't know-

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Which was like-

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:33

       ... like when we split, smoked two separate joints 'cause we were scared.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Ah!

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:36

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       Was that like May or something?

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:37

       It was March. We've been-

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       March.

   22. BKBert Kreischer0:38

       March 20th we did a podcast, I think.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       Now we're ready to make out.

   24. BKBert Kreischer0:43

       Yeah. Little did I know, I didn't need to do anyone's podcast. Stay at home, home orders are really good for a special.

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:48

       (laughs)

   26. BKBert Kreischer0:49

       (laughs) The special comes out March 17th, stay at home orders kick on March 15th.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:54

       Perfect.

   28. BKBert Kreischer0:55

       Fu- th- I mean, we're talking-

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       Greatest timing ever.

   30. BKBert Kreischer0:57

       Gr- ah, fuck a snow storm, Ralphie May.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Tens, yeah, so it's-…

   1. BKBert Kreischer15:00

      electric arms.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      Tens, yeah, so it's-

   3. BKBert Kreischer15:02

      Yeah, tens.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:02

      Like, you go to the therapist-

   5. BKBert Kreischer15:04

      Yeah.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      ... when you need muscle problems, yeah.

   7. BKBert Kreischer15:06

      So, she'd hit our cocks-

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:07

      Injuries.

   9. BKBert Kreischer15:07

      ... just gunk and then, mm, and then back and forth, gunk, gunk. And we're crying laughing.

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:11

       What if you came? What if you just, like a fucking rocket ship?

   11. BKBert Kreischer15:15

       So, we get done, and she looks at us and she goes, "All right, that's as high as they go." We're like, "Cool." She's like, "All right, you guys want me to make you guys come?" And Tom and I are looking at each other, and we're like, "No."

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:27

       (laughs)

   13. BKBert Kreischer15:30

       (laughs) And he, and then she goes... (laughs)

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:32

       Look at you two.

   15. BKBert Kreischer15:33

       We had-

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:33

       Boy, he's hairy.

   17. BKBert Kreischer15:34

       ... so much... He is-

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       What a hairy fella.

   19. BKBert Kreischer15:35

       Very hairy.

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:37

       Like a gorilla. Look at him.

   21. BKBert Kreischer15:38

       This is, this is back when he, he had two good arms.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:41

       (laughs)

   23. BKBert Kreischer15:42

       (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:43

       And you guys are chained up while this is happening?

   25. BKBert Kreischer15:44

       Chained up.

   26. JRJoe Rogan15:45

       So, when she said make you come, how was she gonna do that?

   27. BKBert Kreischer15:47

       Tha- that's what we ask next.

   28. JRJoe Rogan15:48

       Right.

   29. BKBert Kreischer15:48

       We're like, "So, how would that happen?" She goes, "I'll take you guys out in the other room, take a vibrator, put it in your cock, and you guys will just blow a load." And we were like...

   30. JRJoe Rogan15:55

       A vibrator, put it in your cock?
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   When did your k-…

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      do, especially kids with comorbidities, right? But, like, my kids both got COVID and it was l- l- w- way less than any, like, serious cold they've ever had.

   2. BKBert Kreischer30:09

      When did your k- ... Your k- kids got it early?

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      Yeah. My, uh, well, my daughter was 12. She got it.... and she had a headache for a day. And then my other daught- and this is my one that works out all the time, and she's very fit. And then my other daughter, and she's not like she's not fit. She had it, but she was younger and she was sick for like two days. But she didn't feel good. She re- legitimately didn't feel good while the other one was laughing when she found out she had COVID 'cause she got to stay home from school. She thought it was funny.

   4. BKBert Kreischer30:34

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:35

      She's wild though. She's a wild kid.

   6. BKBert Kreischer30:37

      You get one of those and then you get, you get... uh, you get-

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:39

      You can't... You know how they are, you're a parent.

   8. BKBert Kreischer30:41

      Dude, I- I just spent, I just spent time with Tom's fucking kids. Are you kidding me?

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:44

      Oh.

   10. BKBert Kreischer30:44

       Have you met Tom's kids?

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       No, but he was te- he told me hilarious shit about his kid, calling him Tom. (laughs)

   12. BKBert Kreischer30:48

       Oh, yesterday, uh, yesterday, Joe, I come in. I get off the plane, get on the couch. Tom takes a shit. I play with his kids for a little bit. And, uh, his oldest, Ellis comes in. Christina shows up, Tom's there. His oldest comes in and he goes, "Hey Bert, I got you a cup of water." And I go, "Oh, thanks buddy. I was on a plane all day." And Tom goes, "Hold on, hold on. Ellis, where'd you get that from?" And he goes, "The sink." And he goes, "Ellis, you can't reach the sink. Did you get that from the toilet?" And he goes, "No." And I go, "Did you just get a cup of water from the toilet?" And he goes, "No." Dead, dead serious. "No." I go, "Take a sip of this water." And he goes, "No."

   13. JRJoe Rogan31:20

       (laughs)

   14. BKBert Kreischer31:21

       I go, "Sip my water before I get it." And he goes, "No." I go, "Where do you get this water?" He goes... T- Tom, Tom is- knows he got it, and this kid is straight fucking faced.

   15. JRJoe Rogan31:31

       (laughs)

   16. BKBert Kreischer31:31

       And he goes-

   17. JRJoe Rogan31:32

       (coughs)

   18. BKBert Kreischer31:32

       ... "Take a sip, Bert. Take a sip." And I go, "No, I'm not taking a sip of your fucking water." I go, "You take a sip." He goes, "I'm not taking a sip. You take a sip."

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:38

       (laughs)

   20. BKBert Kreischer31:38

       And then Tom goes in and he goes, "Don't touch the water! It's from the fucking toilet!"

   21. JRJoe Rogan31:41

       (laughs)

   22. BKBert Kreischer31:41

       He- there was a tr- a water trail from the toilet to the fucking couch.

   23. JRJoe Rogan31:45

       (laughs)

   24. BKBert Kreischer31:45

       And I go, and he goes, "Ellis, did you put that... Did you get that from the fucking toilet?" And he goes, "I did."

   25. JRJoe Rogan31:51

       (laughs)

   26. BKBert Kreischer31:51

       And he just walked out of the room. I looked at Tom, I was like, "Please take me to my room."

   27. JRJoe Rogan31:56

       (laughs)

   28. BKBert Kreischer31:56

       "I'm gonna lock my fucking doors." (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan31:58

       The kid just wanted the kitchen to drink toilet water.

   30. BKBert Kreischer32:01

       He goes... And from the fucking toilet. And I- but he... Joe, he played it like he was on, like he was on Impractical Jokers. I mean, he was like straight faced-
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   (laughs) …

   1. BKBert Kreischer45:00

      I haven't really run in a while. And then I do my next mile. I'm like, "Let's see if I can do a 10-minute mile." Like a 10-minute mile is, is pretty rough for average health. So I do my t- I do a 10-minute mile, and now I'm three miles in. Incline, slow run, 10-minute mile, and then I go, "All right, let's fucking push it." And I start hearing these mother f- don't... "Who's gonna carry the boats?"

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:22

      (laughs)

   3. BKBert Kreischer45:22

      Man, I, and, and then, um, you know me not, well enough to know like, I'm not created like David Goggins. But you hear that in your fucking head and you're-

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:31

      It's fuel.

   5. BKBert Kreischer45:31

      It's fuel.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:32

      Yes.

   7. BKBert Kreischer45:32

      And then I, and then I hear my, my fucking phys- therapist going, "Just so you know, rub- ruptured Achilles is a game changer." And I'm like, "Maybe I should slow down." (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:39

      Why? Do you have a bad Achilles?

   9. BKBert Kreischer45:40

      No, no, I don't. No, I don't. But I'm just... I just start hearing that-

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:43

       (laughs)

   11. BKBert Kreischer45:43

       ... af- after an injury, everything you hear is like, "Blown up patella's a game changer. Ruptured femur's a game changer."

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:48

       Yeah, they're all game changers. Uh-

   13. BKBert Kreischer45:50

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:50

       ... yeah. But a- Achilles is supposed to be a rough one.

   15. BKBert Kreischer45:53

       That's the probably biggest gift I've gotten from this podcast, is those dudes.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:57

       Mm-hmm.

   17. BKBert Kreischer45:57

       Is that, is like, uh, you know, you-

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:59

       Me too, I think.

   19. BKBert Kreischer46:01

       Oh, you're, you're very... I, you know, especially being around as early as I got to be on this podcast, to see the growth this podcast is having, the people that you've surrounded yourself with and brought in is like, it's like really cool to be a part of this community and know that those guys are like... Like Cam Hanes will... I, I don't know if this is real or not. I don't... Sometimes I don't... It's drink and talk. But like, he'll text, DM me or something, you know?

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:25

       Oh, it's 100% real.

   21. BKBert Kreischer46:25

       Like I'll, I'll say something. I don't remember if he knows who I am but like I'll say something-

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:29

       He knows who you are.

   23. BKBert Kreischer46:29

       ... and he'll DM me.

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:30

       We've talked about you. Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer46:31

       And I, I think... Oh yeah, he tal-

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:32

       Wow.

   27. BKBert Kreischer46:32

       ... talked about me running a marathon.

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:34

       Yeah. Why have, why would you say you don't know if it's real?

   29. BKBert Kreischer46:36

       I don't fucking remember what's real anymore.

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:38

       (laughs)
5. 1:00:00 – 1:03:15

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

   2. BKBert Kreischer1:00:00

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      "And they're turning him into a, a G movie." You know?

   4. BKBert Kreischer1:00:03

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:04

      "You're, you're not a G, you're an R." And I'm like, "This, this R is getting wasted on a G."

   6. BKBert Kreischer1:00:09

      I remember telling them, I said, they were like, "What do you wanna do with the rest of your, with, with, y- you know, for Travel Channel next?" And I said, "I, I would love to do, you know, what Anthony Bourdain does. I think, uh, I'm talented." And they were like, and they just cut me off. They were like, "You, sir, are no Anthony Bourdain." And I felt like-

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:24

      (gasps)

   8. BKBert Kreischer1:00:24

      ... saying, like, the way you said that, I think that would even offend Anthony Bourdain.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:27

      Yeah.

   10. BKBert Kreischer1:00:27

       Like, I think Anthony would be bothered by that. And I felt like, I felt like going, everyone's-... uh, uh, uh, you gotta let everyone take their shot. And then I, I, and then luckily I got fired. And-

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

       Ha-ha.

   12. BKBert Kreischer1:00:37

       ... thank God. And I, and I, what's interesting is that, you know, when I got that award, and I got on stage, my daughters were there, and they were like, um... You know, they give you the award, and then they want, they say you gotta let, say a list of thank yous. And I go through all my thank yous, and, and they're all very heartfelt, sincere. All, everyone, everyone on my team, from top to bottom, Muta and Avery Levity, all of them, I love them. They've done everything for me. But I got to a moment where I said, "You know, I think I got very fucking lucky, and I surrounded myself by comics that were way better than me." And I, and, and I named you guys. I named all of you guys, Tom, Joey, Burr, uh, you, Ari, Dunk. All these guys that were just... So, and there's a, there's a b- much bigger list. I know I'm leaving people off, but like, I go, "They were brutally honest with me, and they were my friends." And that didn't happen 10 years ago. No, 10 years ago, they'd go, "Quit that Travel Channel show." And it would mean... 'Cause it's good, and we don't want the competition.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:01:31

       Mm-hmm.

   14. BKBert Kreischer1:01:31

       You guys were saying it like-

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:01:32

       Yeah.

   16. BKBert Kreischer1:01:33

       ... like, "Hey man, you got more talent than this."

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:01:35

       Yeah. There's, there's a certain bitterness that a lot of comics had, and I, I really think that it was... You know, I remember one time we were on the set of News Radio, and, um, you know, we're on fucking TV man. I mean, we're living the dream.

   18. BKBert Kreischer1:01:51

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:51

       We're on TV. And th- they were complaining about a show that was on another network, or that was on, um, another time slot. It was a really good time slot. And we were on, on a good time slot. We moved nine, eight or nine times during the five years that we were on TV. And this is pre-internet, right?

   20. BKBert Kreischer1:02:09

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:02:09

       So no one knew where the fuck you were.

   22. BKBert Kreischer1:02:10

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:02:10

       You couldn't tweet, "Hey everybody. Tune in..." Like, if Dave Foley had like a million Twitter followers and he said, "Hey, we moved to, uh, f- Sunday night at 8:00," that'd be fine, 'cause everybody would go, "Okay. News Radio is Sunday night now," and everybody would watch it. But this is 1990, whatever the fuck it was, and you couldn't do that. So we would move and no one would know. And we were, our ratings were terrible. And, uh, they were all like bitching that this show is on this, and that show is on this, and they, they got great shots. And, and I was like, "Hey guys, last time I checked, we're on TV."

   24. BKBert Kreischer1:02:44

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:02:44

       "Like, we have a fucking sitcom. We're on... How many of you have sitcoms?" I'm like, "We're living the fucking dream. We're so lucky." They didn't wanna hear it. (laughs) They just like... (laughs) Their, their thought was, "No, we could be Sex and the City. You know, we could be, uh, The Single Guy," or whatever the fuck it was. There was like these shows that, you know.

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:03:04

       It's crazy what you think, you think your high could be.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:03:07

       Yeah.

   28. BKBert Kreischer1:03:07

       Like, mine would've been like... I mean, honestly, I rem- b- it, my, my high would've been be on Travel Channel for the rest of your life, sign a big deal.

Episode duration: 2:43:19