Joe Rogan Experience #1712 - Bert Kreischer Part 1

1. 0:00 – 1:36

   Reuniting post-quarantine: specials, podcasts, and pandemic timing

   1. BKBert Kreischer0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. NANarrator0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (instrumental music)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:12

      We're up.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:13

      Oh, yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:15

      Hey... Bert just took a selfie. Salut, my brother.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:17

      Cheers, brother.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      So good to see you.

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:19

      It's great seeing you, man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      Oh my God.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:22

       (slurps)

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:22

       How long has it been? It's been months and months.

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:24

       It's been (sighs) all quarantine. No, no, it's the first quarantine that we did a podcast right when, uh, I think my special aired.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       Right, right when it started going down.

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:32

       When we didn't know-

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Which was like-

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:33

       ... like when we split, smoked two separate joints 'cause we were scared.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Ah!

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:36

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       Was that like May or something?

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:37

       It was March. We've been-

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       March.

   22. BKBert Kreischer0:38

       March 20th we did a podcast, I think.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       Now we're ready to make out.

   24. BKBert Kreischer0:43

       Yeah. Little did I know, I didn't need to do anyone's podcast. Stay at home, home orders are really good for a special.

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:48

       (laughs)

   26. BKBert Kreischer0:49

       (laughs) The special comes out March 17th, stay at home orders kick on March 15th.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:54

       Perfect.

   28. BKBert Kreischer0:55

       Fu- th- I mean, we're talking-

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       Greatest timing ever.

   30. BKBert Kreischer0:57

       Gr- ah, fuck a snow storm, Ralphie May.
2. 1:36 – 6:29

   Bert’s drive-in comedy tour: the idea, execution, and why it worked

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:36

      And may I be the one to say that you were the first person to figure out to do drive-through or drive-in movie shows. See, there's a lot of people, other people try to take credit for that, Bert Kreischer.

   2. BKBert Kreischer1:45

      Um, I always say that podcast. (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:46

      Tell it to some different human be- (laughs)

   4. BKBert Kreischer1:50

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:50

      And I try to be diplomatic 'cause I know it was you.

   6. BKBert Kreischer1:54

      (sighs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:54

      And I was like, you know what it's like? It's, it's like when someone has a hand grenade and they pull the pin.

   8. BKBert Kreischer1:59

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:59

      And you're like, "Don't let go of that thing-

   10. BKBert Kreischer2:02

       (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan2:02

       ... because that's a live hand grenade." And they're like, "No, it's not." Like, "Okay."

   12. BKBert Kreischer2:05

       Can I tell you?

   13. JRJoe Rogan2:05

       "Okay."

   14. BKBert Kreischer2:06

       And I told you outside, I got the same Amanda Knox thing Malcolm Gladwell says she has, that guilty disorder.

   15. JRJoe Rogan2:10

       Yeah.

   16. BKBert Kreischer2:11

       I listened to that, y- I listened to that, and I went, "Oh my God, I didn't create the drive-in, Eliza did."

   17. JRJoe Rogan2:17

       Oh.

   18. BKBert Kreischer2:17

       I didn't create it. I did, like-

   19. JRJoe Rogan2:19

       You thought that?

   20. BKBert Kreischer2:19

       And I was like, "I stole it from her."

   21. JRJoe Rogan2:20

       You panicked?

   22. BKBert Kreischer2:20

       I sto- I was like, "I stole it from her." 'Cause I'm going like, I thought I, I was like, "I know I came up with that." Like March 17th, the day of my special aired, I called Nick Nocefore, I said, "Yo, get me the drive-in movie theaters." He's like, "It's not a thing." And I go, "No it is, it, it, we'll make it a thing." I go, "They're wide open, no one's using them, let's get in there, we'll have all the feed going from my audio on a stage right next to the big screen, we'll shoot it." He's like, "It's not a thing." Then he hits me back, he goes, "Okay, I got a electronic dance producer, dance m- E- EMD music, whatever, they think they can do it." Hotbox, shout out to Hotbox, those guys are g- gangsters. He's like, "The money is shit." He's like, "You gotta t- pay for another tour bus, a, a tr- a thing to drag the stage around, a crew of 12." And he's like, "And you gotta pay, rent the vent-" He goes, "That's, money is shit, but if you wanna do it, you can do it." And I was like, I was like, "Let's do it." And they signed me up for like 14, and I was like, "Hang on, let's do, like, a couple and see if I li- I don't wanna commit to a fucking summer." So we did the first one in a rock quarry in North Carolina.

   23. JRJoe Rogan3:19

       (laughs)

   24. BKBert Kreischer3:19

       The most beautiful location. I did an hour in 35 minutes. In 35 minutes, I did my whole hour, and I was like, "Time to tell the machine twice." I was like, "Fuck it." And I called him that night on the bus, I was like, "Book me in every city." I think we did like-

   25. JRJoe Rogan3:31

       Wow.

   26. BKBert Kreischer3:32

       ... cit- 60 cities.

   27. JRJoe Rogan3:34

       Yeah, I remember you telling me about the idea. I knew you came up with it. But it was, there was a moment, there was like a 30 second moment in the podcast while Jamie was looking it up where I was like, "Hmm."

   28. BKBert Kreischer3:45

       Me too. I was, I was like, "Goddammit, I hope Jamie's good."

   29. JRJoe Rogan3:48

       (laughs)

   30. NANarrator3:48

       (laughs)
3. 6:29 – 9:17

   ‘Damn the Torpedoes’ award, a tech hiccup, and Bert’s Winston Churchill obsession

   1. BKBert Kreischer6:29

      A- and let me tell you, and, and the award I got from Variety, I love the name of this award, it's called Damn the Torpedoes.

   2. JRJoe Rogan6:35

      Is that... What's cutting out? Is that my mic or your-

   3. BKBert Kreischer6:38

      No, it's not mine.

   4. JRJoe Rogan6:39

      Or my headset?

   5. NANarrator6:40

      It might just be your headset, I don't hear anything.

   6. JRJoe Rogan6:41

      It's just, it started cutting out.

   7. NANarrator6:43

      Oh, okay.

   8. JRJoe Rogan6:43

      It's like-

   9. BKBert Kreischer6:43

      The-

   10. JRJoe Rogan6:44

       ... fucking up.

   11. NANarrator6:44

       We're still-

   12. BKBert Kreischer6:44

       Jamie, will you find out who said "Damn the torpedoes"? It was Winston Churchill, my favorite fucking alcoholic.

   13. JRJoe Rogan6:52

       Check, check, check, check. Here we go. All right, we're back.

   14. BKBert Kreischer6:55

       Winston Churchill said, "Damn the torpedoes." Is that it?

   15. JRJoe Rogan6:57

       Was he an alcoholic?

   16. BKBert Kreischer7:00

       Let me put my cigar down for a second.

   17. JRJoe Rogan7:02

       (laughs) He looked like one.

   18. NANarrator7:03

       Uh-

   19. BKBert Kreischer7:03

       Hold on. Don't even tell me who said it, 'cause let me just tell you about Winston Churchill.

   20. JRJoe Rogan7:07

       Hey, Jamie, this is a problem. There's something going on here. Um, my... When he's talking, it's cut... No, it's cutting out when I'm talking too.

   21. BKBert Kreischer7:17

       I got-

   22. JRJoe Rogan7:17

       We'll p- pause. We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry folks, we had a loose wire.

   23. BKBert Kreischer7:21

       So Winston Churchill.

   24. JRJoe Rogan7:23

       He's a-

   25. BKBert Kreischer7:23

       Winston Churchill would wake up every morning with a scotch and a cigar, eggs, bacon, toast-

   26. JRJoe Rogan7:31

       Oh.

   27. BKBert Kreischer7:31

       ... and his paper.

   28. JRJoe Rogan7:32

       Now I'm hungry, and I wanna read.

   29. BKBert Kreischer7:34

       Uh, Jamie, pull up Bert Kreischer Winston Churchill Day.

   30. JRJoe Rogan7:37

       Oh.
4. 9:17 – 13:39

   Tour-bus BBQ culture: Dave Williamson, smokers, and traveling like kings

   1. BKBert Kreischer9:17

      And so I got that award, 'cause I did that. I looked at Tom and I was like, "Yeah, I don't mind being a guinea pig." I was like, "Fuck it. If, if it's fun, I'll do it." And then halfway through, I just put up a video, and Tom goes, "Oh, this is so you." He was like, "This might be more you than theaters." Like, 'cause we get there, Dave Williamson would start smoking a fucking... Remember I hit you up in San Antonio?

   2. JRJoe Rogan9:37

      Yeah.

   3. BKBert Kreischer9:37

      I was like, I go-

   4. JRJoe Rogan9:37

      Yeah.

   5. BKBert Kreischer9:37

      ... "We got a, we got a A5 Wagyu brisket." Dave would wake up. We'd get pulled in the bus. Dave would put on a, a brisket. We'd start barbecuing. We'd wake up, we'd tell-

   6. JRJoe Rogan9:46

      Who's Dave?

   7. BKBert Kreischer9:46

      Dave Williamson. Fantastic comic, and amazing barbecuer.

   8. JRJoe Rogan9:50

      Really?

   9. BKBert Kreischer9:52

      (gasps) He's got a podcast called Meet Dave, and he knows more about barbecue-

   10. JRJoe Rogan9:55

       M-E-E-T?

   11. BKBert Kreischer9:56

       M-E-A-T.

   12. JRJoe Rogan9:57

       M-E-A-T.

   13. BKBert Kreischer9:57

       Meet Dave.

   14. JRJoe Rogan9:58

       Ah.

   15. BKBert Kreischer9:59

       And he is, I mean, the be- could not say enough about him.

   16. JRJoe Rogan10:02

       So it's like a barbecue/comedy podcast?

   17. BKBert Kreischer10:05

       Yeah, he's-

   18. JRJoe Rogan10:05

       That's a genius idea.

   19. BKBert Kreischer10:06

       He... It's a genius idea, and he's a genius barbecuer.

   20. JRJoe Rogan10:09

       Where does he live?

   21. BKBert Kreischer10:10

       He lives in El Segundo.

   22. JRJoe Rogan10:11

       Oh.

   23. BKBert Kreischer10:11

       During the pandemic, what he'd do is he'd go in and he'd get a bunch of ribs. He's a big smoker. Get a bunch of ribs, bunch of briskets, send out a mass email to all his neighbors. "Go put in your orders. They'll be here. Drop off whatever you want to give me."

   24. JRJoe Rogan10:22

       Wow.

   25. BKBert Kreischer10:22

       People would put, put in a rack of ribs, 20 bucks. Dave would make enough to barbecue for himself, feed the family, make a few little beer money. He loves it, and he loves it. He's passionate about it. Like-

   26. JRJoe Rogan10:32

       No shit.

   27. BKBert Kreischer10:32

       Like, the way... You're passionate about so many different things, but when you find something, you just immerse yourself in it. Dave was like that with barbecue. He got into it. And now when we, ever we tour, the top barbecuer in the area, this whole summer, would drop off huge trays for us, 'cause they know Dave's into barbecue.

   28. JRJoe Rogan10:51

       Oh, that's amazing.

   29. BKBert Kreischer10:51

       And so we-

   30. JRJoe Rogan10:52

       So what does he bring to travel to cook with?
5. 13:39 – 17:36

   Two Bears Live goes off the rails: dominatrix visit and the ‘tether’ story

   1. BKBert Kreischer13:39

      And it was like, I'd come home, I'd do a live gig with him, get blackout drunk.

   2. JRJoe Rogan13:43

      (laughs)

   3. BKBert Kreischer13:43

      Tether our dicks together with electrodes, shock each other's dicks.

   4. JRJoe Rogan13:46

      D- You guys did that?

   5. BKBert Kreischer13:47

      Joe?

   6. NANarrator13:48

      Mm-hmm.

   7. BKBert Kreischer13:48

      (clears throat) So, we go to a dominatrix for one of our live gigs, right?

   8. JRJoe Rogan13:52

      Right.

   9. BKBert Kreischer13:52

      So, we go-

   10. JRJoe Rogan13:52

       I heard about that, but I didn't hear the whole story.

   11. BKBert Kreischer13:55

       So, we go in, and I'm 100% game the second we get there. I'm like, really game. Tom's a little hesitant, and so I s- open up a bottle of whiskey. I go, "Why don't we start drinking, loosen up?" Couple Buffalo tracers later, Tom and I are in our underwear, we're staring at each other and this woman's like, "So, uh, I can tether your dicks together and shock 'em." I'm like, "We're in." Tom's like, "I don't think this is a good idea."

   12. JRJoe Rogan14:16

       Yeah, it's a bad idea.

   13. BKBert Kreischer14:17

       I go, "We should do it, Tom. It'll be great for the live show."

   14. JRJoe Rogan14:20

       Tether?

   15. BKBert Kreischer14:20

       So-

   16. JRJoe Rogan14:20

       I don't like that word with dicks.

   17. BKBert Kreischer14:21

       She put, we put-

   18. JRJoe Rogan14:22

       'Cause what happens if someone falls? Like, how are you tethered?

   19. BKBert Kreischer14:25

       We're standing face to face.

   20. JRJoe Rogan14:27

       Right, what if something goes wrong? Like, what if your dick gets ripped off 'cause Tom falls back? He's not a small person.

   21. BKBert Kreischer14:32

       We didn't think this through entirely.

   22. JRJoe Rogan14:33

       I would've.

   23. BKBert Kreischer14:33

       I'm not gonna lie to you. We, standing each other, we have these cock rings on our cocks.

   24. JRJoe Rogan14:38

       Oh, boy.

   25. BKBert Kreischer14:39

       Electrodes going to two different controllers, and she's just cranking us up. One-

   26. JRJoe Rogan14:44

       Like dog collar type controllers?

   27. BKBert Kreischer14:46

       Like bzz.

   28. JRJoe Rogan14:47

       Or taser?

   29. BKBert Kreischer14:48

       Uh, I don't know if-

   30. JRJoe Rogan14:49

       'Cause, like, dog collar hurts, but taser incapacitates you. That's what I'm worried about.
6. 17:36 – 24:22

   Austin vs. LA: population anxiety, ‘escape plans,’ and being prepared

   1. BKBert Kreischer17:36

      Yeah. I miss, I, dude, I miss him not living in LA. I miss you not living in LA.

   2. JRJoe Rogan17:41

      Come move out here, bitch.

   3. BKBert Kreischer17:42

      Hey, we're not gonna... (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan17:43

      It's a better place to live.

   5. BKBert Kreischer17:44

      Mm.

   6. JRJoe Rogan17:45

      It's so nice out here, dude. I'm telling you, I'm never going back. I went back, I did, uh, The Forum, and I did, um, Sacramento. Had a great fucking time. Uh, but when, uh, I went back, I was like, Jesus Christ, the traffic, and everyone feels like they're a prisoner. They're all, like, people are, like, they have anxiety. Like, everyone has anxiety in LA. You don't realize it until you get outta there. I just think that there's a thing that happens when you're around large groups of people. There's a lot of excitement, like, like when you visit New York City. It's great if New York City's popping. Like three years ago, it was great.

   7. BKBert Kreischer18:18

      Yeah.

   8. JRJoe Rogan18:18

      But now, it's sketchy.Right? And, but, so there's a certain amount of energy because there's a lot of people, but there's a certain amount of anxiety that comes with just being overwhelmed by population, by just large numbers. That goes away out here.

   9. BKBert Kreischer18:32

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan18:32

       The thing about living here, there's a million people in the city. It's like, huh. It goes away.

   11. BKBert Kreischer18:38

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan18:38

       Everyone's friendly. They're all nice.

   13. BKBert Kreischer18:40

       And we, Tom, we went to that soccer game last night and it was like, I was like, "Oh, shit, I'm not having, like, panic attacks."

   14. JRJoe Rogan18:46

       Yeah.

   15. BKBert Kreischer18:46

       Like, this is-

   16. JRJoe Rogan18:47

       They do.

   17. BKBert Kreischer18:47

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan18:47

       That's a lot of it. A lot of it is just population. When I built that apocalypse truck, that Land Cruiser that I got, I built it because I was telling my wife, I was like, "If some shit goes down, we gotta be able to get the fuck out of here, like legitimately."

   19. BKBert Kreischer19:00

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan19:00

       Like, I need a big tank of gas and we gotta have money and we gotta have guns. Like, you have to... And she was like, "This is such a ridiculous idea." Then the pandemic hit, and she saw the lines in front of gun stores and she saw people freaking out, and then everyone was, like, hoarding food and toilet paper. And I was like, "Yeah. This is what I'm telling you."

   21. BKBert Kreischer19:19

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan19:19

       I saw this. I didn't see this. But I saw if shit goes south, no one's ready. Like, no one's ready.

   23. BKBert Kreischer19:26

       Mm-mm.

   24. JRJoe Rogan19:26

       And this is not a good place to be because there's no resources here. There's no food. There's no real water. The water's in the ocean or, you know, reservoirs and they'll dry up. It's a fucking... They have to get the water from somewhere else. It doesn't rain there.

   25. BKBert Kreischer19:39

       Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan19:39

       It's not a good place to live.

   27. BKBert Kreischer19:41

       I was, I, when, when the pandemic hit, I've always been a little bit of a conspiracy thinker and a little bit of a catastregthing thinker. I always think of-

   28. JRJoe Rogan19:48

       What's that word?

   29. BKBert Kreischer19:49

       Catastrophe.

   30. JRJoe Rogan19:50

       What'd you say, bro?
7. 24:22 – 30:41

   Pandemic social conflict: masking incidents, mental health, and ‘new normal’ fears

   1. BKBert Kreischer24:22

      ... no, I got, I got l- I got videotaped by some lady. Like, right at the beginning of the pandemic, we're walking the dogs, me and the girls, and I just assumed if you're outside, you don't have to wear a mask.

   2. JRJoe Rogan24:32

      You shouldn't.

   3. BKBert Kreischer24:33

      And-

   4. JRJoe Rogan24:33

      Shouldn't have to wear a mask outside.

   5. BKBert Kreischer24:34

      ... but I had, like, a neck gaiter around my wrist, so, in case we, something happened, we got in k- uh, contact with someone, and she's videotaping. Uh, she's either videotaping or she's on a, on a FaceTime call or whatever, but she's got her phone out, mask on, and then lights up me and my daughters and our dogs and she goes, "And there's another one!" And I know the camera's on me. I know this is how people get in trouble. And I just yell out, "You're a cunt!"

   6. JRJoe Rogan24:58

      (laughs)

   7. BKBert Kreischer24:58

      And I just kept walking. My daughters are like, they're like, "Dad, you can't do that." And I was like, "I don't give a fuck." Like-

   8. JRJoe Rogan25:05

      Yeah.

   9. BKBert Kreischer25:05

      ... you can't ... That's, that's not ... And I know the mental health. I mean, I know that frack I, I, I'm back in therapy because I, I ... This ... Even for me, and I'm a pretty level-headed dude, this pandemic was ... It fucks with your head.

   10. JRJoe Rogan25:18

       It fucks with your head.

   11. BKBert Kreischer25:19

       You don't go out in public f- for 17 months and then all of a sudden, they're like, "Oh, just so you know, everything's up. G- Go to the Denver Airport." And you're like, "Huh?"

   12. JRJoe Rogan25:26

       It doesn't just fuck with your head. This is the, the problem is, there's tiers to this shit. And the idea that this is over is, uh, is nonsense. This is not over. This is just beginning. This pandemic thing is just beginning. We're gonna have to figure out a way to d- deal with this kinda stress in a better way. Because I don't think this is going away and I think this is gonna get worse. I really do.

   13. BKBert Kreischer25:48

       Is this our new normal, then?

   14. JRJoe Rogan25:50

       I think our new normal is similar to this, but it might be worse, legitimately.

   15. BKBert Kreischer25:55

       Oh, that's not what I wanna hear.

   16. JRJoe Rogan25:56

       'Cause y- the FDA backed off the boosters. They say we're not gonna have boosters. The FDA said that.

   17. BKBert Kreischer26:01

       For real?

   18. JRJoe Rogan26:01

       Two people ... Yeah, two people resigned because they didn't see any science in the boosters.

   19. BKBert Kreischer26:06

       I was, I had my money on that Johnson & Johnson booster. I was like, I was-

   20. JRJoe Rogan26:10

       Well, the Johnson & Johnson booster, when you do get it, within two months, they said it's 94% effective against COVID. The problem is variants.

   21. BKBert Kreischer26:18

       Jesus.

   22. JRJoe Rogan26:19

       Yeah.

   23. BKBert Kreischer26:19

       That, I w- that would ... I w- I would be s- ... I, I'm, I'm, I'm so ... I, I obviously, uh, no one ... It's no one's fault that they don't know what to do. Like, I remember the mask/no mask thing at the very beginning. They're like, "Masks aren't helpful. Okay, masks are helpful." I understand the whole, you gotta figure out what you're doing, we're not gonna know until five years from now what we were, did right and what we did wrong.

   24. JRJoe Rogan26:38

       Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer26:38

       But I, I'm just ... It, it bums me out, 'cause, you know, I look at m- I'm, I look at my daughters and I know you, you, you probably look at your daughters, and my daughters spent junior and sophomore, junior and freshman year-

   26. JRJoe Rogan26:48

       Yeah.

   27. BKBert Kreischer26:49

       ... not in school.

   28. JRJoe Rogan26:49

       Yeah. Locked up.

   29. BKBert Kreischer26:50

       Locked up.

   30. JRJoe Rogan26:50

       Yeah.
8. 30:41 – 35:58

   Parenting chaos: Segura kids, toilet water, and accidental bad influence

   1. BKBert Kreischer30:41

      Dude, I- I just spent, I just spent time with Tom's fucking kids. Are you kidding me?

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:44

      Oh.

   3. BKBert Kreischer30:44

      Have you met Tom's kids?

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:45

      No, but he was te- he told me hilarious shit about his kid, calling him Tom. (laughs)

   5. BKBert Kreischer30:48

      Oh, yesterday, uh, yesterday, Joe, I come in. I get off the plane, get on the couch. Tom takes a shit. I play with his kids for a little bit. And, uh, his oldest, Ellis comes in. Christina shows up, Tom's there. His oldest comes in and he goes, "Hey Bert, I got you a cup of water." And I go, "Oh, thanks buddy. I was on a plane all day." And Tom goes, "Hold on, hold on. Ellis, where'd you get that from?" And he goes, "The sink." And he goes, "Ellis, you can't reach the sink. Did you get that from the toilet?" And he goes, "No." And I go, "Did you just get a cup of water from the toilet?" And he goes, "No." Dead, dead serious. "No." I go, "Take a sip of this water." And he goes, "No."

   6. JRJoe Rogan31:20

      (laughs)

   7. BKBert Kreischer31:21

      I go, "Sip my water before I get it." And he goes, "No." I go, "Where do you get this water?" He goes... T- Tom, Tom is- knows he got it, and this kid is straight fucking faced.

   8. JRJoe Rogan31:31

      (laughs)

   9. BKBert Kreischer31:31

      And he goes-

   10. JRJoe Rogan31:32

       (coughs)

   11. BKBert Kreischer31:32

       ... "Take a sip, Bert. Take a sip." And I go, "No, I'm not taking a sip of your fucking water." I go, "You take a sip." He goes, "I'm not taking a sip. You take a sip."

   12. JRJoe Rogan31:38

       (laughs)

   13. BKBert Kreischer31:38

       And then Tom goes in and he goes, "Don't touch the water! It's from the fucking toilet!"

   14. JRJoe Rogan31:41

       (laughs)

   15. BKBert Kreischer31:41

       He- there was a tr- a water trail from the toilet to the fucking couch.

   16. JRJoe Rogan31:45

       (laughs)

   17. BKBert Kreischer31:45

       And I go, and he goes, "Ellis, did you put that... Did you get that from the fucking toilet?" And he goes, "I did."

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:51

       (laughs)

   19. BKBert Kreischer31:51

       And he just walked out of the room. I looked at Tom, I was like, "Please take me to my room."

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:56

       (laughs)

   21. BKBert Kreischer31:56

       "I'm gonna lock my fucking doors." (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:58

       The kid just wanted the kitchen to drink toilet water.

   23. BKBert Kreischer32:01

       He goes... And from the fucking toilet. And I- but he... Joe, he played it like he was on, like he was on Impractical Jokers. I mean, he was like straight faced-

   24. JRJoe Rogan32:08

       Well, imagine growing up with Tom and Christina.

   25. BKBert Kreischer32:10

       Uh, I can't.

   26. JRJoe Rogan32:11

       Two top shelf comics as your parents.

   27. BKBert Kreischer32:12

       I walked in their house yesterday. I walked in their house. Ellis comes up, "Daddy just called us fuckers."

   28. JRJoe Rogan32:17

       (laughs)

   29. BKBert Kreischer32:17

       And then (laughs) I go, "What?" Tom comes around the corner, he goes, "They painted the goddamn fucking walls! They painted my fucking walls!" And I'm like, "Holy shit."

   30. JRJoe Rogan32:25

       (laughs)
9. 35:58 – 39:51

   Injuries and training: Tom’s accident, Bert’s tricep tear, and drunk bench-press lore

   1. JRJoe Rogan35:58

      I can't believe he slept on the couch with a broken arm after leaving one hospital and going to another one.

   2. BKBert Kreischer36:04

      It was, um-

   3. JRJoe Rogan36:05

      I mean, that's crazy.

   4. BKBert Kreischer36:06

      I don't think he was... I mean, and I- and I say this and I- obviously Tom has- can say whatever he wants to say, but I don't think he was in his right state of mind. I think he was-

   5. JRJoe Rogan36:13

      You're kidding me.

   6. BKBert Kreischer36:14

      I think he was a little out of it.

   7. JRJoe Rogan36:16

      Just from the trauma, the shock.

   8. BKBert Kreischer36:18

      ... yeah, that affected me pretty deeply, that whole thing. Because, you know-

   9. JRJoe Rogan36:23

      'Cause you moved his arm. You probably fucked him up.

   10. BKBert Kreischer36:25

       Hey, listen, I fucking saved his goddamn life.

   11. JRJoe Rogan36:28

       You might've.

   12. BKBert Kreischer36:29

       I might've.

   13. JRJoe Rogan36:29

       (clears throat) You might've fucked his arm up too.

   14. BKBert Kreischer36:30

       I might not have, or I might've.

   15. JRJoe Rogan36:32

       Might've. It's hard to tell.

   16. BKBert Kreischer36:34

       It's hard to tell, but it's, you know, doctors are doing everything they can do, and listen, I love him to death.

   17. JRJoe Rogan36:37

       When's that new surgery?

   18. BKBert Kreischer36:38

       And I had surgery on my arm too.

   19. JRJoe Rogan36:39

       Seems to have worked out.

   20. BKBert Kreischer36:39

       Look at, if there's karma, if there's karma, I got the fucking surgery too.

   21. JRJoe Rogan36:42

       Well, you had a minor surgery, in comparison.

   22. BKBert Kreischer36:44

       Oh, I had a very major surgery, compared to what Tom had. What did he was-

   23. JRJoe Rogan36:48

       You were, you were on stage with, like, a robot arm on.

   24. BKBert Kreischer36:50

       Yeah. (laughs) Tom had, what, a seven-hour surgery?

   25. JRJoe Rogan36:52

       Yeah.

   26. BKBert Kreischer36:53

       Mine was 30 minutes. (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan36:55

       (laughs) What did they do, just reattach your tricep tendon?

   28. BKBert Kreischer36:58

       Yeah, reattached my tri- tricep tendon. He called-

   29. JRJoe Rogan37:00

       But it didn't all tear, right? Part of it was still attached?

   30. BKBert Kreischer37:02

       59- 59% tore, top.
10. 39:51 – 46:58

    Mental toughness idols: Goggins clips, Jocko leadership, and ‘fuel’ from discipline

    1. BKBert Kreischer39:51

       Dude, the b- video, uh, w- I don't even know what, I, I mean, I barely remember things I've seen of Cam Hanes working out with David Goggins-

    2. JRJoe Rogan39:58

       (laughs)

    3. BKBert Kreischer39:58

       ... where David Goggins is yelling, "Get him in the boats."

    4. JRJoe Rogan40:00

       "Who's gonna carry the boats?"

    5. BKBert Kreischer40:02

       "Who's gonna carry the boats?"

    6. JRJoe Rogan40:03

       Yeah.

    7. BKBert Kreischer40:03

       Uh, that-

    8. JRJoe Rogan40:04

       Yeah. Well, you know what Cam told me? Cam goes, "What's crazy about Goggins is as he gets tired, he gets more crazy, and then he pushes harder." He goes, "Right when you think he's gonna get, he's gonna be done, he starts yelling, 'They don't know me, son! They don't know me, son!'" And he gets, he get- gets, like, an extra gear, and he goes further.

    9. BKBert Kreischer40:23

       That's a, that's a group of people I wish I had never-

    10. JRJoe Rogan40:25

        Yeah, there it is.

    11. BKBert Kreischer40:25

        Look at this.

    12. JRJoe Rogan40:26

        Give me some volume on this.

    13. BKBert Kreischer40:27

        David Goggins.

    14. NANarrator40:27

        Yo, nobody works like David in this house. 13, come on. 14, come on. 15, shut that muscle down. 16, come on. (breathing heavily) Get it. 17.

    15. NANarrator40:38

        They don't know me, son!

    16. JRJoe Rogan40:39

        (laughs)

    17. BKBert Kreischer40:40

        Oh, my God.

    18. NANarrator40:40

        18.

    19. NANarrator40:41

        They don't know me, son!

    20. JRJoe Rogan40:42

        (laughs)

    21. BKBert Kreischer40:43

        (laughs)

    22. NANarrator40:43

        19.

    23. NANarrator40:44

        They don't know me, son!

    24. JRJoe Rogan40:45

        (laughs)

    25. BKBert Kreischer40:45

        (laughs)

    26. NANarrator40:45

        20, you got some more in you.

    27. NANarrator40:48

        They don't know me, son!

    28. JRJoe Rogan40:49

        Shit.

    29. NANarrator40:49

        21, yeah! Get it again.

    30. JRJoe Rogan40:50

        It's-
11. 46:58 – 1:14:57

    Comedy careers and ‘paths’: early JRE days, The Machine story, and leaving Travel Channel

    1. JRJoe Rogan46:58

       Dude, you were on like episode 10 or some shit. Like what episode of the podcast were you on? The first one.

    2. BKBert Kreischer47:03

       Well, I was a fan. I was a huge fan of the podcast first.

    3. JRJoe Rogan47:06

       Tommy was on like episode three.

    4. BKBert Kreischer47:08

       That's how I found the podcast. Ila saw C- uh, Uncle Tommy, Uncle Buns on the podcast, clicked on it, and there were snowflakes coming down on your faces.

    5. JRJoe Rogan47:17

       Oh.

    6. BKBert Kreischer47:17

       And she's sitting on my computer watching JRE 3-

    7. JRJoe Rogan47:21

       Oh my god.

    8. BKBert Kreischer47:21

       ... and I go, "What are you doing?" She's like, "Uncle Buns." And I was like, "Oh shit." And I was like, "What is this?" And it was you guys answering questions.

    9. JRJoe Rogan47:28

       That's hilarious. That's how we used to do it. We used to answer questions off the little chat on Ustream. Yeah, Tommy was like, he left and he talked to Redband. He's like, "What the fuck is he doing?" Like, "Why is he doing that?" And Redband was like, "I don't know."

    10. BKBert Kreischer47:39

        (laughs)

    11. JRJoe Rogan47:39

        Like they all thought it was a waste of time. (laughs)

    12. BKBert Kreischer47:44

        Dude, by the way, not even... Like-

    13. JRJoe Rogan47:45

        Look at that.

    14. BKBert Kreischer47:46

        Episode 73.

    15. JRJoe Rogan47:47

        Number 73, Bert Kreischer. So you were probably like... At this time it was probably like a year in.

    16. BKBert Kreischer47:52

        This was-

    17. JRJoe Rogan47:53

        'Cause I don't think we were doing more than one a week back then.

    18. BKBert Kreischer47:55

        If I had known-

    19. JRJoe Rogan47:57

        Wow.

    20. BKBert Kreischer47:57

        ... how much this one event would change my life, right? This one event. I talked... Tom and I talk about, um, paths a lot. Or I, I, re- I was saying... I don't wanna put words in other people's mouths. I talk about paths Tom and I talked about last night, about certain paths you get on. You don't know you get on those.

    21. JRJoe Rogan48:13

        Yeah.

    22. BKBert Kreischer48:14

        And I, I say to him, you know-... m- eh, eh, meeting, meeting Joe changed my life because I would never have ... I, I said this last night. I would have never told the Machine Gun story on stage, never told it on stage. I told it before. I told it to you, and you're like, "That needs to be a stage story." And I was like, "Uh, it's not." And I'd heard people say that before. And you were like, "No, that needs to be told on stage." And I was like, "I'm not gonna tell it." Had I, had you not insisted and said to all the people listening, "This needs to be a stage story. When he gets on stage, you ... This man's only to be known as The Machine from this point on."

    23. JRJoe Rogan48:46

        (laughs)

    24. BKBert Kreischer48:46

        "And you chant it at his shows." And I was like, "What the fuck are you doing?" And to think that that one story I have milked like a closeted dairy farmer from the 1940s.

    25. JRJoe Rogan48:56

        Dude, you just got done doing a major motion picture-

    26. BKBert Kreischer49:00

        Motion picture, th- like-

    27. JRJoe Rogan49:01

        ... starring you, The Machine.

    28. BKBert Kreischer49:04

        From a story I told on this podcast, on this-

    29. JRJoe Rogan49:07

        Isn't that wild?

    30. BKBert Kreischer49:08

        Dude.

Episode duration: 2:43:19