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Joe Rogan Experience #1764 - Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are standup comedians, writers, and podcasters. Mark is the co-host of "Tuesdays with Stories" along with Joe List. His latest special, "Mark Normand: Out to Lunch," is available via YouTube. Ari is the host of "The Skeptic Tank." His most recent special, "Ari Shaffir: Double Negative," is available via Netflix. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker. His special "Shane Gillis: Live in Austin," is available via YouTube.

Joe RoganhostAri ShaffirguestMark NormandguestShane Gillisguest
Jun 27, 20243h 36mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 2:06

    Protect Our Parks vs. Cuddle Party: naming the hang + NYC politics riffing

    1. NA

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

    2. The Joe Rogan Experience. (energetic music)

    3. JR

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Hey, we're up and running. To the cuddle party.

    4. AS

      Cheese. All right.

    5. MN

      High five. High five.

    6. AS

      Hey, hey, comedy.

    7. JR

      (Uh) There we go, Gil.

    8. MN

      Yes, yes.

    9. JR

      So what are we calling this? Are we calling this Protect Our Parks?

    10. AS

      No.

    11. MN

      I think it's Protect Our Parks.

    12. AS

      We need a better name.

    13. MN

      We didn't do a good job protecting the last one.

    14. JR

      What happened to the park?

    15. MN

      (laughs) It's gone. (laughs)

    16. JR

      Since the podcast.

    17. MN

      It's 50 acres just a dirt pile now.

    18. AS

      Good. That is so crazy that they allowed them to do that, that they just do it ... they just totally did that. You know nobody in the city voted for that.

    19. MN

      Not a single person.

    20. JR

      (laughs)

    21. MN

      (laughs) I mean, yeah.

    22. JR

      Fucking evil, man. It's evil.

    23. MN

      There's definitely gonna be a, a prison in there or high rises in no time.

    24. JR

      What is the general consensus about the new mayor of New York?

    25. AS

      Oh, it's bad already.

    26. MN

      Saw people get mad at him for-

    27. JR

      Really?

    28. AS

      I think he seems nice.

    29. MN

      I saw people get mad at him for he says, "We had to protect the low-wage employees." 'Cause he's like, "The people at Dunkin' Donuts," and (laughs) he goes, "They're not educated. They're not smart enough to be in a corner office." And everyone's like, "What?"

    30. JR

      Oh, Jesus. (laughs)

  2. 2:06 – 2:56

    January 6 jokes and fed involvement talk (Ted Cruz grilling the FBI)

    1. MN

      The one-year anniversary of the greatest upset. (laughs)

    2. JR

      Nice. (laughs)

    3. NA

      It was, it was the greatest upset in sports.

    4. AS

      Oh.

    5. MN

      Nobody saw it coming.

    6. AS

      Ah. Yeah, it was a gift.

    7. MN

      Just, they just dethroned Buster Douglas-

    8. JR

      (laughs)

    9. MN

      ... as the greatest upset.

    10. NA

      (laughs)

    11. AS

      A couple of them climbed that wall pretty good. I mean, it was impressive.

    12. JR

      Oh, boy.

    13. AS

      They were out of shape.

    14. NA

      Those were the feds.

    15. MN

      Yeah.

    16. NA

      Oh.

    17. MN

      Those were the feds.

    18. NA

      The ones that scaled over the fence.

    19. JR

      Did you so- fucking see the, uh, the thing where Ted Cruz is grilling that lady from the FBI? And he asks her the whole, the whole ... runs the gamut of, "Were federal agents involved in any viol-"

    20. MN

      No, we can't answer that.

    21. JR

      We can't answer that?

    22. NA

      We can't answer that.

    23. JR

      "Were federal agents involved in, in, you know, inciting violence or trying to court-"

    24. MN

      We can't answer that.

    25. JR

      Yeah. Never saw it?

    26. MN

      You should, you should always ans- ask a follow-up question, uh, like, uh, "Is Coke the same as Sprite?" And they'll be like, "No." Like, "Okay, that's your baseline."

    27. JR

      Right. (laughs)

    28. AS

      (laughs)

    29. MN

      So then, what is, "We can't answer this"?

    30. JR

      Yeah, what does that mean? We can't answer this? Oh, God.

  3. 2:56 – 4:50

    Weed run + ‘I don’t watch the news’ and scandal riffing (Nassar, Sandusky, MeToo Olympics)

    1. JR

      Oh, you, we have a fucking distinct lack of marijuana in this room.

    2. AS

      Uh-oh.

    3. JR

      We've made an error. I'll be right back.

    4. AS

      Jamo.

    5. MN

      I'll be right back.

    6. NA

      Oh.

    7. MN

      Talk amongst yourselves.

    8. NA

      I think I just joined one.

    9. MN

      Oh, you got some?

    10. JR

      Hey.

    11. MN

      Yeah, but you got some bullshit.

    12. JR

      Whoa.

    13. NA

      Oh.

    14. JR

      I got hit hard by that.

    15. MN

      That sucks.

    16. NA

      That one hurt. That was mean.

    17. JR

      He sucker punched me with that. I'll be right back.

    18. MN

      He has changed ever since the park, dude. Talk amongst yourselves. That was ... (laughs) Yeah, the park went down.

    19. NA

      Park went down. Already got bitter.

    20. MN

      Yeah, the park went down. Already. He's a real dickhead.

    21. AS

      I don't even watch the news. I haven't seen any news stories since Larry Nassar.

    22. MN

      You don't watch it? It's so smart not to.

    23. JR

      (laughs)

    24. MN

      Larry Nassar was the great. (laughs)

    25. AS

      I mean, that was the peak. I got out.

    26. JR

      You saw Nassar and you're like, "I'm done. This is good."

    27. AS

      Yeah, I got enough.

    28. MN

      (laughs)

    29. AS

      Who watches the news? What is ... There's nothing for me there.

    30. MN

      Somehow it involved Me Too and sports was a good combo.

  4. 4:50 – 7:16

    Trans prisoners in women’s prisons + identity ‘tests’ and Sex and the City standup scene

    1. JR

      Well, they're doing that now with, with male prisoners who are-

    2. AS

      I saw that.

    3. JR

      ... transgender. They're putting them in female prisons. And these ... And a lot of them are, like, guilty of sexual assault, and they're putting them in prison with females who they're raping.

    4. MN

      And all they gotta do is say, "Hey."

    5. JR

      Yeah, identify as a woman.

    6. MN

      Just say you're checking.

    7. AS

      It's a smart move. I mean, why wouldn't you do that?

    8. JR

      Well, one, one guy did, and then immediately upon release started identifying as a man again.

    9. AS

      Damn.

    10. JR

      Like, literally identify as a woman for one second.

    11. NA

      You gotta give that guy some respect.

    12. MN

      Yeah, respect.

    13. JR

      Well, he gamed the system.

    14. NA

      Yeah.

    15. JR

      But the system is really fucking stupid.

    16. AS

      Yikes.

    17. JR

      It's such a dumb ... It's like, what a dumb thing this identity politics has, has given us, this ability for a, a sexual offender to just change their gender by saying, "I identify with a woman." You keep your dick, you don't have to get an operation, you don't have to get hormone treatments.

    18. MN

      There should be a test. There should be some sort of test, like getting, like get- ... becoming a citizen.

    19. JR

      Should be a test.

    20. AS

      What kind of test?

    21. MN

      Get to know some stuff about womanhood.

    22. AS

      Some menstruation stuff.

    23. JR

      What kind of test?

    24. MN

      Yeah.

    25. AS

      Golden Girls.

    26. NA

      Name a purse. Name three purses.

    27. MN

      (laughs)

    28. AS

      Yes.

    29. JR

      Oh, shit.

    30. AS

      One Sex and the City character.

  5. 7:16 – 10:15

    Group-name brainstorm spirals into dinosaurs and Jurassic Park nostalgia

    1. JR

      Yeah. So, uh, save our parks or cuddle party, what's the consensus?

    2. SG

      What else, what else can we name it?

    3. AS

      Oh, we can, we can branch out a little bit.

    4. JR

      Four cunts?

    5. AS

      That's not bad, the Four Cunts of the Apocalypse.

    6. SG

      (laughs)

    7. (laughs) Yeah.

    8. AS

      That's a good name for Sex in the City.

    9. SG

      (gasps)

    10. Yeah.

    11. AS

      Let's see.

    12. JR

      Toxic non-gender specific?

    13. SG

      Yeah.

    14. AS

      Hmm.

    15. JR

      Humans.

    16. AS

      Non-binary, asexuals, queefs.

    17. SG

      (laughs) Queef, yeah.

    18. AS

      Hmm.

    19. SG

      I vote no names.

    20. Fuck queefs.

    21. AS

      Kwiefer Sutherland?

    22. JR

      You have what?

    23. SG

      No name.

    24. JR

      No name?

    25. SG

      No name.

    26. AS

      Like a prince?

    27. SG

      We can't go a name.

    28. JR

      Just no names for us? Okay.

    29. SG

      We shouldn't name-

    30. JR

      Well, you know what we could do? We could just-

  6. 10:15 – 12:26

    Fat-shaming discourse: Adele, Jonah Hill, and ‘don’t comment on my body’

    1. JR

      Well, you know what's funny is when they are fat-

    2. MN

      Roseanne.

    3. JR

      ... and then they lose weight, and then everybody gets mad at them.

    4. SG

      Yeah.

    5. JR

      Like Adele.

    6. MN

      True.

    7. AS

      Yeah, yeah, that is weird.

    8. JR

      Yeah.

    9. MN

      Mm-hmm.

    10. JR

      The big girls are mad.

    11. SG

      You were her hero.

    12. JR

      Yeah, you were us. And now you're not, you're another hot girl.

    13. SG

      Why did you put that burger down?

    14. JR

      You fucking bitch.

    15. AS

      (laughs) Cuck Liddell?

    16. SG

      (laughs)

    17. JR

      (laughs)

    18. AS

      I've been sitting on that for 20 minutes.

    19. JR

      (laughs)

    20. SG

      (laughs)

    21. AS

      Uh, that's... It's a funny thing when, when people do better with their life and the people who love them don't go, "That's awesome."

    22. SG

      Yeah.

    23. AS

      "I'm gonna do that too."

    24. MN

      Yeah.

    25. AS

      "Look, she can do it. If Adele can do it, I can do it too."

    26. SG

      I'll, I'll be honest, I don't like it.

    27. JR

      Yeah.

    28. SG

      I don't like it one bit.

    29. JR

      (laughs)

    30. SG

      Why?

  7. 12:26 – 14:29

    LASIK wears off? eye surgery horror + future vision ‘bacteria injections’

    1. SG

      I did. I had LASIK.

    2. (laughs)

    3. MN

      Oh, you did?

    4. SG

      Yeah, it's wearing off.

    5. MN

      Ah.

    6. JR

      What?

    7. SG

      Yeah.

    8. MN

      Well, you're aged.

    9. SG

      Yeah.

    10. JR

      It's wearing off?

    11. SG

      Yeah, I feel it wearing off.

    12. JR

      What do you mean it's wearing off?

    13. SG

      It's... Seven or eight years ago.

    14. JR

      LASIK wears off?

    15. SG

      I... I didn't know.

    16. MN

      What about the cane? You still got the cane?

    17. SG

      Can't do it again?

    18. I think... I'm hoping he can do it again.

    19. (laughs)

    20. JR

      Woo. You gotta go for a second eyeball surgery?

    21. SG

      I... I had a... I had a cane for the beach.

    22. By the way, that was the first shot. You heard it.

    23. JR

      What? I thought you did it.

    24. SG

      You did it. You did it.

    25. No, no, no. No, no, no. You said, "Shane, could you read that?" I just asking him legitimately if he could read that or not.

    26. No, that was the first shot.

    27. MN

      Oh, is that a picture?

    28. JR

      No, no, no, Shane.

    29. SG

      I just want to know. You wasn't even close into it.

    30. No, no, no.

  8. 14:29 – 19:37

    Sex injuries and ‘worst jerk-off injury’ stories (Knoxville penis article, bloody jiu-jitsu incident)

    1. MN

      You ever gotten, uh, jizz in your eye?

    2. SG

      Oh. (laughs)

    3. JR

      More than I can count, my friend. More than I can count.

    4. MN

      Well, let me... I, I could see you're being fac- facetious, but it stings.

    5. SG

      You never hit your own eye?

    6. Oh, really?

    7. MN

      You never got, uh, your own juice?

    8. JR

      I'm sure I have, but it's probably been when I was younger.

    9. SG

      I don't remember. In the eyeball?

    10. MN

      Yeah. Well, I was laying on my back and it went straight up-

    11. SG

      Riding the mug. Riding the motherfucking mug.

    12. MN

      ... and got me. And the, the girl was like, really got a kick out of it.

    13. SG

      It happened to me. It happened to me recently.

    14. MN

      (laughs)

    15. SG

      She laughed all night.

    16. JR

      (laughs)

    17. SG

      It happened to me recently and I stared right down the barrel of it for some reason.

    18. (laughs)

    19. MN

      Yeah.

    20. SG

      And it fucking drilled me. (laughs)

    21. MN

      It gets you.

    22. SG

      Like, what was you expecting?

    23. JR

      Suicide by gay love.

    24. MN

      That's what got in Crenshaw's eye.

    25. SG

      Yeah, yeah. (laughs)

    26. JR

      No, that's not true.

    27. MN

      That's not true.

    28. SG

      It was in Afghanistan. (laughs)

    29. JR

      Heartless. You just jerk off out there.

    30. SG

      (laughs)

  9. 19:37 – 24:35

    From HIV origin theories to bat soup, octopus love, and dolphin sex research

    1. JR

      They think that one of the ways-

    2. NA

      Hmm.

    3. JR

      ... that, uh, people initially got HIV, and this is very controversial.

    4. MN

      Uh-oh.

    5. JR

      But they think there was guys that were, uh-

    6. NA

      Tell us.

    7. JR

      You know, bushmeat is, uh, a thing in Africa where they'll essentially shoot and kill-

    8. NA

      Yeah.

    9. JR

      ... anything and sell it as meat because food's scarce.

    10. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    11. JR

      So they'll occasionally do that to chimpanzees. They'll, they'll shoot chimps and sell chimp meat and eat chimps.

    12. MN

      Ah.

    13. NA

      Yeah.

    14. MN

      It's like the Wuhan bat.

    15. JR

      And they think that through cutting a monkey or a gorilla or some chimp, some sort of primate, they got the blood on the knife and cut their finger.

    16. MN

      Ah.

    17. JR

      And that, this is just, I, I think this is just speculation. They don't... I don't think they necessarily have a patient zero in AIDS.

    18. NA

      I'm sticking with fuck the monkey.

    19. JR

      Fuck the monkey.

    20. MN

      Yeah, that's a good story.

    21. NA

      That's what I want to believe.

    22. JR

      Remember when Chappelle stood on that?

    23. NA

      Yeah.

    24. MN

      "Rip your dick off like a celery stalk."

    25. JR

      (laughs)

    26. NA

      Fucking the monkey.

    27. JR

      "You know how hard it be to fuck a monkey?"

    28. NA

      (laughs)

    29. MN

      That would be pretty hard. (laughs)

    30. NA

      It's just as funny as, it's funnier than eating a bat, but eating a, eating a bat's very funny.

  10. 24:35 – 32:09

    David Choe: Hadza hunting, Facebook stock windfall, and ‘artsy’ personality debates

    1. JR

      You know David Choe, the artist?

    2. MN

      Yeah.

    3. JR

      Yeah, David Choe went to, um, uh, with, with the Hadza. Where, where was that? What part? It was Tanzania? I think it was Tanzania. He went and, uh, hunted baboons. They, uh, they, they eat baboons.

    4. MN

      Damn.

    5. Damn, they hunt, uh-

    6. JR

      And he goes, "It's fucked up." He goes, "'Cause when the baboon gets hit with the arrow, he grabs it like a person."

    7. MN

      Ah, yeah.

    8. NA

      (groans)

    9. MN

      They're fucking terrifying, baboons.

    10. JR

      Yeah, yeah, because it's, it's really fucked up.

    11. MN

      They dress like a baboon?

    12. JR

      So this is Choe. No, I don't know what they're doing. Is that a- A GoPro and a dog that put on their-

    13. MN

      He's got dogs out there.

    14. NA

      Oh, okay.

    15. JR

      ... chasing the baboons.

    16. MN

      Look at that, that guy.

    17. This is hell.

    18. NA

      Peephole.

    19. MN

      I would never want to do this.

    20. JR

      So the, these, these-

    21. NA

      (laughs)

    22. MN

      Uh...

    23. JR

      ... folks, they eat everything, right?

    24. NA

      Yep.

    25. JR

      But they have less game in the area where they live than ever used to be there before, so they find themselves eating a lot of primates.

    26. MN

      Man, that guy's living, huh?

    27. JR

      David, David-

    28. MN

      He goes for it.

    29. JR

      ... is so, David Choe is so fucking interesting, 'cause the guy's worth like an, a stupid amount of money.

    30. MN

      Is he?

  11. 32:09 – 35:45

    YouTube strikes & comedy censorship: ‘beer cured my COVID’ and the algorithm vs. humans

    1. JR

      Hey, Shane, tell everybody what we were talking about before this 'cause it is so... I can't believe that this happened.

    2. AS

      Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

    3. JR

      But his video got pulled off of YouTube because he simply said-

    4. MN

      Yeah.

    5. JR

      ... that when he had COVID, he just drank beer.

    6. NA

      I said that the way I beat COVID was I just drank beer. That's all I was doing.

    7. JR

      That's all he said.

    8. NA

      And it w- and it worked and I was healed.

    9. MN

      Yeah. Funny. Sure. (laughs)

    10. NA

      And that was... I was just explaining exactly what happened. And the episode got taken down from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

    11. MN

      Oh, the whole episode got taken down.

    12. JR

      Just imagine-

    13. NA

      It le- it got deleted.

    14. JR

      ... how fucking insane that is.

    15. NA

      Like six months later.

    16. AS

      That's so silly, yeah.

    17. MN

      Yeah. It's a little bit frightening.

    18. JR

      Imagine how insane that is. They're going through old podcasts.

    19. NA

      They really are, which is crazy.

    20. JR

      Yiana- Yiannis Krampus just got hit with one from six months ago, he told me. They gave him a strike. He can't post to his account right now.

    21. MN

      Oh, we're gonna lose all sorts of stuff.

    22. AS

      I know.

    23. JR

      It's just like, what are you doing? Like, why? What's the point? Like, y- y- you looking at what these guys are saying, like, what is... this is fun. It's like no one's getting hurt from any of this.

    24. NA

      Yeah.

    25. JR

      If anybody's getting infla- like, this is the whole thing. It's like you're not supposed to have, like, COVID, uh, misinformation or anything that doesn't go along with the lines, you're given some instructions. But that's not what you're doing. You're talking shit. If anybody was like, "Well, I was gonna get vaccinated, but then I saw Shane."

    26. MN

      "Drank beer."

    27. NA

      (laughs) Yeah.

    28. JR

      "And he drank beer. So I'm like, I'm gonna fucking drink beer too, bro."

    29. NA

      Yeah.

    30. JR

      Like, is that really... Is that a real thing?

  12. 35:45 – 43:45

    Longevity hacks to anti-aging science: booze, Big Macs, and ‘reverse aging’ hype

    1. JR

      106-year-old Philadelphia woman is a big fan of Big Macs.

    2. NA

      This is... See-

    3. MN

      Yeah.

    4. NA

      This is more hurtful to people's health than saying like-

    5. JR

      That's so crazy.

    6. MN

      Yeah.

    7. NA

      ... maybe the vax is dangerous.

    8. JR

      I know. That, that should be medical misinformation.

    9. NA

      I'm interested. Be like, "Crush Big Macs. You're gonna age 106."

    10. JR

      She said it ke-

    11. MN

      (laughs)

    12. JR

      She said it kept her free of disease.

    13. NA

      (laughs)

    14. MN

      That's back when Big Mac started, when they were made with actual meat.

    15. JR

      She credits junk food for her long life. Her granddaughter said that maybe her lengthy lifespan has to do with the nine gin-soaked raisins she ate every day too.

    16. MN

      Gin-soaked raisins.

    17. AS

      Whoa.

    18. JR

      Gin-soaked raisins.

    19. AS

      Queen Elizabeth did the same thing.

    20. JR

      What kind of a weirdo lady is this?

    21. NA

      What... Yeah.

    22. MN

      What if it says not eating junk food?

    23. NA

      Refugee.

    24. JR

      South Philly. Which that, Jamie?

    25. AS

      It says, "Not eating junk food."

    26. JR

      Oh, not eating junk food. But cheeseburgers.

    27. AS

      I know, that's why it's stuck... I don't know.

    28. JR

      What the fuck does that mean? She's a liar. She's got dementia.

    29. AS

      (laughs)

    30. JR

      That's, that's what kept her alive, dementia.

  13. 43:45 – 58:37

    Animal fights & stunt culture: dog fighting, cockfights, bull-leaping, Jackass, and Fear Factor

    1. JR

      If, if you're out there listening and you're gonna get a German shepherd as a pet, you better be willing to work with that dog.

    2. MN

      Mm-hmm.

    3. JR

      You gotta, you gotta exercise that dog. Take it on runs, do things with it. You can't just leave a dog like that in the yard, they'll go crazy.

    4. SG

      And we know you're not willing to do that work.

    5. JR

      Yeah, so-

    6. MN

      Hear that, Michael Vick?

    7. SG

      ... don't get one.

    8. JR

      Ge- get a little poodle, bitch.

    9. SG

      No, Michael Vick worked those boys.

    10. MN

      Did he? Oh, I guess-

    11. SG

      He worked the hell out of those dogs.

    12. MN

      They were fighting? Yeah. (laughs)

    13. SG

      They were, baby. Dogs are probably having a little bit of fun.

    14. JR

      Oh, yeah.

    15. SG

      You should've seen his, his dog record was, like-

    16. MN

      He's a good dog wender. Hell, yeah.

    17. SG

      ... '86 and 14.

    18. MN

      (laughs)

    19. SG

      Like-

    20. JR

      His record was good?

    21. SG

      Yeah. He was, like, great.

    22. JR

      You know what's fucked, is with that-

    23. SG

      Underrated, hall of fame. He's in the hall of fame of dog fighting.

    24. MN

      I gotta get some new references.

    25. SG

      (laughs)

    26. JR

      There's this, like, a silent group of people that are involved in dog fights, that have been involved in dog fights for a long time. And that sort of exposed what that whole-

    27. SG

      Yeah.

    28. MN

      Ah.

    29. JR

      ... community is all about. Because there's a lot of dog fighting going on in parts of this country. Um, there's a guy that I knew, um, well, I know him, but he, at one point in time used to fight dogs. And he lived in, somewhere in the South.

    30. SG

      Yeah, the South loves it.

Episode duration: 3:36:04

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