Joe Rogan Experience #1821 - Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe

Tony Hinchcliffe 0:00 (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

Narrator 0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience. (rock music plays)

Joe Rogan 0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. So what, so explain. So bogey, what's the best? Is like, what's a pro-level golfer?

Bert Kreischer 0:17 Scratch.

Joe Rogan 0:18 Scratch.

Bert Kreischer 0:18 The scratch is if, if you're, you're pouring-

Joe Rogan 0:20 So Santino's, like, pro level?

Bert Kreischer 0:21 I would... No, so a pro is different. So he's not playing from the tips.

Joe Rogan 0:24 Oh by the way, cheers, gentlemen.

Bert Kreischer 0:25 Cheers.

Joe Rogan 0:25 Cheers.

Bert Kreischer 0:26 Cheers. Cheers, gentlemen. I miss you guys.

Tony Hinchcliffe 0:28 Hell yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:28 (glasses clink) So we should talk about how this podcast came about. Not me and Bert. Bert and I got stem cells today at, uh, Waste Well.

Bert Kreischer 0:35 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 0:35 Shout out to Brigham. And then, uh, we got something to eat, uh, got some barbecue. And we were driving, and I see this yellow Corvette, and I go, "Is that the great and powerful Tony Hinchcliffe?"

Tony Hinchcliffe 0:46 It's me at a red light.

Joe Rogan 0:47 And I go, "What are you doing?" He goes like, "Nothing, chilling."

Tony Hinchcliffe 0:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:50 I go, "Come do a podcast with us." And so we're here.

Bert Kreischer 0:52 I saw the car, and I was like, "God damn it, that's the car LeeAnn wanted." It's a fucking badass car.

Joe Rogan 0:56 Yeah, they're, they're dope.

Bert Kreischer 0:57 You guys are cool with cars, man. I wish I had better taste in cars.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00 Move here, you will. It happens naturally.

Joe Rogan 1:03 But what's, what's wrong with your taste in cars?

Bert Kreischer 1:05 I am an old man. I like, uh, I, I like to... A sedan, a big-bodied sedan.

Joe Rogan 1:12 Sedans are nice.

Bert Kreischer 1:12 With a nice cool, dark interior.

Joe Rogan 1:15 Ooh. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:15 Yeah, like a, like a chocolate interior.

Joe Rogan 1:18 You know what you should get?

Bert Kreischer 1:19 A what?

Joe Rogan 1:19 The new Cadillac.

Bert Kreischer 1:21 So I try... I... Uh, the car I wanted that I really liked was when they came back out with the Continental.

Joe Rogan 1:26 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 1:27 They came back out with the Continental. I said, "That's my car."

Joe Rogan 1:29 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:29 I went and drove it, and uh, it felt, it didn't feel solid to me.

Joe Rogan 1:33 Well, get a Mercedes.

Bert Kreischer 1:33 I got a Mercedes.

Joe Rogan 1:34 Do you?

Bert Kreischer 1:35 Yeah, I got the, whatever the one is.

Joe Rogan 1:36 You have the S Class?

Bert Kreischer 1:37 Yeah, I think.

Joe Rogan 1:38 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:38 I don't know. I'm, I'm not a... Like I-

Joe Rogan 1:39 You don't even know what you have.

Bert Kreischer 1:40 I don't even know what I have. I know it's the, the big one, you know, the big one.

Joe Rogan 1:43 (laughs) The, the big one.

Bert Kreischer 1:44 But like I said, I said, one time I told someone it was a AMG-

Joe Rogan 1:47 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:48 ... 'cause, 'cause the wheels say AMG.

Joe Rogan 1:49 Right.

Bert Kreischer 1:49 And then they were like... and I fucked up, and I, it turned into a drunk fight.

Joe Rogan 1:53 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:54 Like, "Bitch, you didn't get an AMG?" And I was like, "Yeah, I think I did. I don't know. It says AMG. I don't know what the fuck I have."

Joe Rogan 1:58 Right.

Bert Kreischer 1:58 So I just got it... Tom's guy got it for me.

Joe Rogan 2:00 So you just don't have any interest in cars. You wish you had an interest in cars?

Bert Kreischer 2:05 I do because I look at, like, it looks fun. Like, it looks fun. Like when getting in your car today, I was like, "That would be fun to have this."

Joe Rogan 2:12 Yeah, it would be. You should get into cars.

Bert Kreischer 2:15 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 2:16 (laughs) Does it get in the way of your drinking? Like, when's the last time-

Tony Hinchcliffe 2:18 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:18 No. Well, I've got... Well, number one, I don't drive much 'cause I do drink.

Joe Rogan 2:22 Right.

Bert Kreischer 2:22 So again, I'm never dr-... I never drive, I never have driven to the store. As soon as I heard someone talking about the parking rules at the store, I was like, "Who drives to the store?" And I literally said that. I was like, "I get an Uber to the store."

Joe Rogan 2:31 Right.

Bert Kreischer 2:31 Have some cocktails.

Joe Rogan 2:32 Right.

Bert Kreischer 2:32 And I Uber home. I, I'm really s- a stickler about drinking and driving.

Joe Rogan 2:36 Good for you. That's smart.

Bert Kreischer 2:37 I don't drink and drive at all.

Joe Rogan 2:38 That's smart.

Bert Kreischer 2:38 Well, yeah, well, and so, uh, like I said, I wouldn't mind a Sprinter.

Joe Rogan 2:42 Sprinter van.

Bert Kreischer 2:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:43 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 2:43 And have a driver. I'd like a driver more.

Joe Rogan 2:45 We talked about... Jamie and I talked about... Yes.

Bert Kreischer 2:47 That's what I'd like.

Joe Rogan 2:47 Jamie and I talked about taking one of those Sprinter vans and turning it into a mobile podcast studio.

Bert Kreischer 2:52 Uh, Steve-O has that.

Joe Rogan 2:53 Does he?

Bert Kreischer 2:54 Yeah, Steve-O has it. It, it was, it's, Steve-O's podcast is pretty fucking awesome.

Joe Rogan 2:58 Yeah?

Bert Kreischer 2:58 Like he, he does good fucking interviews. There's a thing-

Tony Hinchcliffe 3:01 Smart guy.

Joe Rogan 3:02 Yep.

Bert Kreischer 3:02 He's a smart guy, and he has this thing where he kind of... I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's his past life of like not seeing consequence, but he doesn't have a problem asking a very uncomfortable question.

Tony Hinchcliffe 3:13 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 3:14 And he doesn't have a problem telling a good story that may be too much. Like (laughs) he told a story about him and Ponia sharing a chick one time.

Joe Rogan 3:20 Steve-O and Joey Diaz. He's got Joey Diaz in there.

Bert Kreischer 3:21 Yeah, he's great, man. And he's like... One of the best Two Bears guests, Bears we've ever had is Steve-O.

Joe Rogan 3:28 Really?

Bert Kreischer 3:28 Yeah, I showed him my dick.

Tony Hinchcliffe 3:29 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:30 That made it a good show. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 3:32 It was fucking... But Steve-O's like fucking crazy like that, like he's fun.

Joe Rogan 3:35 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:36 He's just a fun dude.

Joe Rogan 3:37 I'm amazed at how healthy he is considering all the shit that he's done. I mean, that guy has beaten him, his body up in a way that very few people have, and still he's okay. Like he seems fine. He's walking around.

Bert Kreischer 3:51 It's crazy.

Joe Rogan 3:52 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 3:52 He's brilliant. I watched his, uh, special that he made, and he mixed in actual, like his own written Jackass-style stunts into his thing, into his standup. And like, there's like parts where it goes back and forth. And he does some of the funniest Jackass-style stunts I've ever seen. He does this one where he's bicycling around like an actual pro bicyclist.

Bert Kreischer 4:16 (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 4:16 But, but instead of wearing the tight black shorts, he just painted his entire, like, penis and balls and up to his knees blatantly black.

Bert Kreischer 4:26 And he's talking to people naked.

Tony Hinchcliffe 4:27 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 4:27 He's naked, he's naked.

Tony Hinchcliffe 4:29 And he, and he keeps crashing his bike right around people, and people are like, "Oh my God." They wanna like catch him and stuff.

Joe Rogan 4:34 I've seen that. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 4:34 And then they see it. (laughs) It's so funny.

Bert Kreischer 4:36 He brought me over to his house when he was doing that. He was like, "Hey man, would you come over to my house and help me with my special?" And I was like, "I don't understand what the fuck he's talking about." So I go over, and he's got his special, but his special, he's also got these great clips. He's got a clip... He told, tells a story on stage about swallowing an ounce of marijuana in Europe and it getting stuck in his throat. And then him having to go into the h- to the, to the... And I'm not gonna tell his own story, it's his special, but he's got some fucking crazy stories. And I'm sitting there watching it going like... really thinking, "God, man, I should have done this. Why didn't I do this for Travel Channel? I have great stories of Travel Channel," and show the footage, tell the story.

Joe Rogan 5:14 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 5:15 It's like really good. He's a solid dude, man. I'm glad he got sober.

Tony Hinchcliffe 5:18 He's a solid dude.

Bert Kreischer 5:19 He's one of the guys you go, "I'm glad he got sober."

Joe Rogan 5:20 Yeah, me too. He's solid.

Bert Kreischer 5:21 And then I, and then I look at people that got sober and I get bummed out, like-

Tony Hinchcliffe 5:24 Like who?

Bert Kreischer 5:24 Like Brad Pitt. I'm like, "Huh, I wish he still partied."

Joe Rogan 5:28 Didn't he get sober though because of his relationship? Like, wasn't that probably one of the reasons why he was drunk? Like she, she was mad at him.

Bert Kreischer 5:36 Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I don't know him. Tommy knows him. They're buddies.

Joe Rogan 5:39 There was like a thing where, like, something happened on a plane. And he was-

Bert Kreischer 5:44 On a private jet, they had to stop, do an emergency stop 'cause he was...

Joe Rogan 5:47 He was too drunk.

Bert Kreischer 5:48 Yeah, I think he's... I'm, I'm not gonna speak for Brad Pitt. I'm trying to get out of the business of talking shit about people. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 5:52 Really?

Bert Kreischer 5:52 Dude, I've done it a lot. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:54 It's boozing.

Bert Kreischer 5:55 Yeah, I know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:55 Once you start boozing, the, the lips start flapping and the, the words-

Bert Kreischer 5:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:59 ... start flowing freely.

Bert Kreischer 6:00 Like last night at the Vulcan. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 6:02 Yeah, that green room was a hot tea.

Joe Rogan 6:04 A lot of fun.

Tony Hinchcliffe 6:05 Hot tea was served.

Joe Rogan 6:06 That was a lot of fun. I love a good gossip session.

Bert Kreischer 6:07 I do too.

Joe Rogan 6:08 ... it's important. But there's just, like, so much gossip flowing around these days. It's, like, it's intense.

Bert Kreischer 6:13 It's almost, like, too overwhelming.

Joe Rogan 6:14 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 6:15 Like, you look at some of the gossip going around, and you're like, "I'm gonna need, like, half a day to sit and watch, like, four podcasts to figure out what's going on."

Joe Rogan 6:21 I can't. I just can't. I'm so balls deep into this Amber Heard, Johnny Depp podcast.

Bert Kreischer 6:25 (gasps) .

Joe Rogan 6:26 It's not a podcast. The, you know, the trial.

Bert Kreischer 6:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:28 I can't stop.

Bert Kreischer 6:29 Yeah, my dad-

Joe Rogan 6:29 I can't stop.

Bert Kreischer 6:30 My dad, too.

Joe Rogan 6:30 Every day. I was watching today. Today, her attorney said, "I'm doing my best." And she took a deep breath. Her attorney, her attorney is in the middle of the whole thing. She's like (breathes deeply) , "I'm doing my best." In the middle of, like, questioning.

Bert Kreischer 6:45 Oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 6:46 She's just given up. She's like, "This is fucking done." Like, "I- I've got a crazy person as a client." (laughs)

Narrator 6:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:52 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 6:54 I, I don't- I don't know anything. I know that she said that he beat her up, and he said that she beat him up, right?

Joe Rogan 7:00 Well, he has recordings of her admitting she beat him up.

Bert Kreischer 7:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:04 There's no recordings ever of him saying that he beat her up. There's no evidence that he beat her up. There's no images of her battered and bruised like she said. She said he punched her in the head, and then the next day, there's photos of her and there's nothing wrong with her. And he always wears rings, and it's one of the things they confronted her on. They said, "Johnny always has rings on all of his fingers. Where are the marks on your face?" And she's like, "Mm." It's- she's insane. The best part, though, was her lying about donating the money to the ACLU and the Children's Hospital. She said, "Yeah, yes, I pledged the money." And they go, "No, you said you donated the money." "I, I, uh, I did pledge the money." "No, you said you donated the money. That's not true." "That- that's incorrect. I did. I pledged the money." And she keeps saying that, "I pledged the money," like she's a, she's a literal insane person.

Bert Kreischer 7:50 So wait, let me-

Joe Rogan 7:50 Like, she's nodding. Like, you should... See if you can find that clip and play it, 'cause it's so bonkers. Like-

Bert Kreischer 7:55 So let me get this straight. She is the whole reason this is happening, correct?

Joe Rogan 7:59 He is suing her for defamation because she wrote a whole article saying that he beat her, and she kept coming out and said, like, saying she's a victim of domestic abuse. It's 100% a smear campaign.

Bert Kreischer 8:11 And so theoretically, she could've just said, "Hey, it's not working out. Can I have $100 million? I'll go my own way."

Joe Rogan 8:17 I don't think she got 100.

Bert Kreischer 8:18 No, but-

Joe Rogan 8:18 She got seven.

Bert Kreischer 8:19 But, oh yeah-

Joe Rogan 8:20 I don't- he wouldn't have given her 100. Why would he give her 100?

Bert Kreischer 8:21 Or whatever, whatever. I'm just, I don't know the laws.

Joe Rogan 8:23 The, the, what- he- they weren't married for that long, man. She got seven million, which is incredible.

Narrator 8:27 Is this, is this the thing?

Joe Rogan 8:27 Yeah. Let me hear this.

Narrator 8:28 I'm not sure if this is it. I just wanted to make sure before we play it, sort of.

Joe Rogan 8:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Narrator 8:31 All right, um-

Joe Rogan 8:32 You just play it right there. Give me some volume.

Narrator 8:35 ... calling me a liar, making it impossible for me to move on.

Joe Rogan 8:38 Look at her face expressions.

Narrator 8:39 By doing so-

Bert Kreischer 8:40 Yeah.

Narrator 8:41 ... said that I wanted the truth, I wanted him to clear my name and to leave me alone. (cries) I've been saying that since 2016.

8:49 So why did you donate 3.5 to Children's Hospital and 3.5 to ACLU?

8:57 Well, I pledged the first half, or 3.5, to-

Joe Rogan 9:00 No, this is the wrong one-

Narrator 9:01 ... Children's Hospital.

Joe Rogan 9:01 ... 'cause this is her attorney.

Bert Kreischer 9:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:02 You wanna get his a- attorney, which is a woman. Her name's Claire, and she was, she was, uh, cross-examining her and crushing her. It was hilarious. It's hilarious to watch 'cause she's, she keeps saying, "Stop. That's not what I said. That's not what I asked. I asked did you, in fact, not donate the money." She says, "That's not true. I pledged the money."

Narrator 9:23 That's correct.

Joe Rogan 9:24 She kept saying, "I pledged the money." And she's saying like, "That's not..." And this, then she, she made this analogy. She said, "When you buy a house, you don't pay for it all at once. You get a mortgage." And they was like, "You're not buying a house. You're donating the amount of money."

Narrator 9:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:35 She goes, "Well, I couldn't because Johnny sued me." And then they said, "But Johnny didn't sue you until 18 months after you got that money." It's so wild. She's so crazy.

Bert Kreischer 9:46 She, uh, yeah.

Narrator 9:47 Is this the right...

Joe Rogan 9:49 Yes. Yeah, yeah. Back it up a little. Back it up a little.

Narrator 9:51 That's correct.

Joe Rogan 9:52 No, back it up.

Narrator 9:54 I did, I did, I did, I did, I did.

Joe Rogan 9:54 Back it up.

Narrator 9:54 "That's correct."

9:56 You stated you would be donating.

Bert Kreischer 9:57 Full power to you.

Narrator 9:57 So in October of 2018, you had received your entire $7 million divorce settlement.

10:02 That-

10:02 You agree with me.

10:03 That is correct.

10:05 Okay.

Joe Rogan 10:05 This is good right here.

Narrator 10:05 And you hadn't yet been sued by Mr. Depp?

10:09 This is, uh, October... Correct.

10:13 So in this October 2018 interview, you said that you had, quote, "donated," end quote, your entire divorce settlement to charity. Right?

10:23 That's correct.

10:24 And in fact, your exact words were, quote, "7 million in total was donated to- I split it between the ACLU and the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles." End quote. Right?

10:36 That's, that's correct. I made that statement as soon as I got a divorce and we reached the settlement. That's when I pledged it, right then.

Bert Kreischer 10:43 Pledged it.

Joe Rogan 10:43 Yeah, here it goes.

Narrator 10:43 And you say this because you, quote, "wanted nothing," end quote.

10:48 That is correct.

10:50 But you hadn't donated your entitle- entire $7 million settlement to charity at that point, had you?

10:56 That's incorrect.

Joe Rogan 10:58 (laughs) Here it goes.

Narrator 10:59 Sitting here today, Ms. Heard, you still haven't donated the $7 million divorce settlement to charity. Isn't that right?

11:07 Incorrect. I pledged the entirety of the settlement-

11:11 No, Ms. Heard, that- that's not my question.

11:11 ... 7 million to charity, and I f- I intend-

11:13 Ms. Heard, Ms. Heard-

Bert Kreischer 11:13 (laughs)

Narrator 11:13 ... to fulfill those obligations.

11:15 Ms. Heard-

11:15 That's not my question. Please.

11:18 What was your question?

11:18 Try to answer my question.

Bert Kreischer 11:20 Oh, here it goes.

Narrator 11:20 Sitting here today, you have not donated the $7 million, donated, not pledged, donated, the $7 million divorce settlement to charity.

11:33 I use pledge and donation synonymous with one another. They-

11:37 But I don't.

11:37 ... are the same thing.

11:37 Ms. Heard-

Joe Rogan 11:38 I like how she's not looking at her.

Narrator 11:39 Yeah, she looks at everyone else.

11:40 I don't use it synonymously.

Joe Rogan 11:40 Yeah. She must have been harded.

Narrator 11:41 That's how donations are paid.

11:42 Ms. Heard, respectfully, that's not my question. As of today, you have not paid $3.5 million of your own money to the ACLU.

Bert Kreischer 11:54 (laughs) Look at her getting behind her.

Narrator 11:55 Yes or no?

11:56 I have not yet.

11:58 And as of today, you have not paid $3.5 million of your own money to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. Correct?

12:05 I have not yet. Johnny sued me.

12:07 So as of today, you have not donated-... paid $7 million of your divorce settlement to charity, right?

12:17 I have not been able to fulfill those p- uh, those, uh, obligations yet.

12:22 (coughs)

12:22 And that's because you did want something, didn't you?

12:26 I didn't want anything, and I didn't get anything.

12:28 You wanted Mr. Depp's money.

12:31 Didn't get it, wasn't interested in it. I loved Johnny. That's why I was with him.

12:35 You wanted praise for donating the money, right?

12:38 That's incorrect.

12:40 You wanted good press.

12:42 Yeah.

12:43 In general, one (laughs) does want good press, yes.

12:47 You wanted to seem altruistic, publicly.

12:50 Wasn't my interest. Um, my interest is, uh, in my name and clearing my name. And at the time, I was being called a liar, and my motives were being questioned. I did see it as important to clear that up. I wanted to make a statement-

Joe Rogan 13:04 Gosh, she doesn't even look at her when she answers a question.

Bert Kreischer 13:07 She's not looking.

Narrator 13:07 ... to make sure that it was e- not any doubt-

Joe Rogan 13:07 She looks off in, like, into the ether.

Narrator 13:08 ... that I couldn't be labeled these things just because Johnny was a bigger star-

Bert Kreischer 13:12 It's like looking at the jury.

Narrator 13:12 ... and had more publicity.

Bert Kreischer 13:13 She is looking at the jury.

Narrator 13:14 You wanted to remind everyone of your claims of domestic-

13:16 She's looking at the jury.

13:16 ... violence against Mr. Depp, right?

13:19 No, I wanted to move on with my life.

13:21 You wanted to make those claims seem believable.

13:24 They are believable. They were believable.

13:26 You wanted them to be seen... You wanted to be seen, excuse me, as a noble victim of domestic violence, didn't you?

13:31 I have never, never wanted to be seen as a victim.

13:36 You-

13:36 Nor have I ever called myself one.

Joe Rogan 13:38 (laughs) Her fluttering eyes. She's so crazy.

Narrator 13:40 You testified under oath that, quote, "The entirety of your divorce settlement was donated to charity." End quote. Didn't you?

13:48 That's correct. I pledged the entirety.

Joe Rogan 13:49 (laughs) There it goes.

Bert Kreischer 13:50 It's good.

Narrator 13:51 Now, Ms. Heard, my questions. Your counsel will have time to redirect you after.

13:59 (sighs)

14:00 You testified under oath, quote, "The entirety of your divorce settlement was donated to charity." End quote.

14:09 That is correct. I pledged the entirety.

Bert Kreischer 14:11 (gasps)

Narrator 14:11 I'm gonna move to strike everything after yes.

14:14 Uh, all right.

14:15 Your Honor, there's nothing to strike here. Donating the... I mean, even, even-

14:18 No.

14:19 ... based on you testifying, you donated this-

14:22 Ms. Heard, this is really inappropriate. I, I'll sustain the objection, and we'll just move forward.

14:26 Thank you.

14:26 Let's move forward. Next question.

14:30 Under oath, that statement wasn't true, was it, Ms. Heard?

14:34 I'm sorry. I don't follow your question. Sorry.

Joe Rogan 14:35 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 14:36 Wow. Wow.

Narrator 14:38 You testified under oath, quote-

Bert Kreischer 14:40 Wow.

Narrator 14:40 ... "The entirety of my divorce settlement was donated to charity." End quote. That statement wasn't true.

14:47 It is true. I pledged the entirety to charity.

14:51 The statement-

14:52 When you say you buy a house, you don't pay for the entire house-

14:55 Ms. Heard, Ms. Heard-

14:55 ... at one time.

14:55 ... respectfully-

14:56 You pay it over time.

14:57 I'm not asking... Ms. Heard-

14:58 All right, next question, please.

14:59 Thank you. That statement isn't true today, as you sit here today, is it?

15:06 It is true. I pledged the entirety-

15:08 But you didn't donate it.

Bert Kreischer 15:09 Oh, I wish I had Amber He- Heard's brain.

Narrator 15:11 Unfortunately-

15:12 You didn't donate it. It's a yes or no.

15:13 I haven't been able to obliga- I mean, to fulfill those obligations.

15:16 So, that's a no, right, Ms. Heard?

15:18 I am, I made the pledge. I wanna be very clear. I pledged the entirety. I haven't been able to fulfill those pledges because I've been sued.

15:25 You had all of the $7 million for 13 months before Mr. Depp sued you, and you chose not to pay it to the charities-

Bert Kreischer 15:33 Geez.

Narrator 15:33 ... you pledged it to.

15:35 I-

15:35 Is that correct, Ms. Heard?

15:36 I disagree with your characterization of that.

15:41 Let's look at your sworn testimony from the UK.

Bert Kreischer 15:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:45 Dude. His face when she said that was pretty funny.

Bert Kreischer 15:48 What, what, the, the lawyer where he's shaking his head?

Joe Rogan 15:50 Yeah, he was, like, lost.

Bert Kreischer 15:51 When he hands her the note, and he's like, "Uh, you might wanna put this in there."

Joe Rogan 15:54 Yeah. Well, he, he was letting her know that she had that money for 13 months. Okay. I need one of these lawyers when I fight with my wife. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:01 I get tripped up so easily. I think we get it.

Bert Kreischer 16:04 All right.

Joe Rogan 16:04 I think we're good.

Bert Kreischer 16:04 Like, uh, like, here's the problem, is that... Here's the problem-

Joe Rogan 16:10 Well, you're drunk. You get tripped up.

Bert Kreischer 16:12 Oh, well, um, yeah. And when I'm not drunk, I get tripped up.

Joe Rogan 16:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:14 By the way, if I had a lawyer that could pull up shit I've said on podcasts.

Joe Rogan 16:18 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 16:18 It was, like, one time, you were on Two Bears, One Cave. You said you caught a rattlesnake when you were a child? And I was like, "Okay. All right. Hold on. Okay. Uh, I was fucked up." Like, this, these... They have every... You have to be 100% accountable. They have everything you've ever done. They have teams researching everything you've ever done. She is fucked. She's fucked because, here's the problem. When you be... I think, I've seen this happen with other people. When they get famous, they think because they got famous, and they did that magic trick, that they're the, one of the smartest people in the world. I've seen that happen to people, where you go, "You're, you still aren't smart. You didn't get smarter."

Joe Rogan 16:54 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:55 "You just can act good," right?

Joe Rogan 16:57 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 16:57 And that's what's wrong, is Amber Heard actually believes she's a really brilliant person. So, she thinks she's smarter than everyone in that room, not realizing that the fucking eight that's running the, the, the cross direct. The, you know, Amber Heard's a 10, that eight is a smart motherfucker, and runs circles around her.

Joe Rogan 17:15 Well, also, she has, she has the truth on her side.

Bert Kreischer 17:17 Ye- yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:17 That's the thing. It's like, you, you, you can be smart as fuck, but if you are on the witness stand, and you're talking about something that is as clear as you had money, you didn't donate the money. You said you donated the money, but it's not true. And your, you, your workaround is, "I pledged the money."

Bert Kreischer 17:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:32 And she's doing this. "I pledged the money." And then she looks at the jury. This weird nodding and s- like, you could tell, like, that-

Bert Kreischer 17:39 Actor stuff is what it is.

Joe Rogan 17:41 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 17:41 This is what thinking looks like.

Joe Rogan 17:43 Yes. Yes.

Bert Kreischer 17:43 She can act like a smart person.

Joe Rogan 17:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 17:45 And she's trying to do that on the thing.

Joe Rogan 17:47 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 17:47 She's got no one on her team that's ever been straight with her, right? No one. And she lives in a fucking make-believe world. She beat the fuck out of Johnny Depp-

Joe Rogan 17:55 For sure.

Bert Kreischer 17:55 ... and then thought, "I'm so smart. With what's going on in this world, I'm gonna throw him under the bus. They're not even gonna ask a question. And then I can do Aquaman 2."

Joe Rogan 18:04 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 18:04 And now she has fucked up her career-

Joe Rogan 18:07 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 18:08 ... when she could've just been, "Yeah, it didn't work."

Joe Rogan 18:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 18:10 "Let's go our separate ways."

Joe Rogan 18:11 Right.

Bert Kreischer 18:11 Right.

Joe Rogan 18:11 And she would've still had a great career.

Bert Kreischer 18:13 A great career. I-

Joe Rogan 18:14 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 18:14 I liked, I liked Amber Heard, even when they broke up. And by the way, I'm a ride-or-die for Johnny Depp. I still have a voicemail from him-

Joe Rogan 18:19 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:20 ... I'm not gonna delete. I switched phones. I recorded it on my new phone.

Joe Rogan 18:23 Ah.

Bert Kreischer 18:24 So, like, it, she fucked everything up.

Joe Rogan 18:26 Yeah, she fucked everything up.... yeah, but she didn't think she was gonna. She thought with the, the way the public treats women in divorce settlements, it ... All y- if you say that the man was abusive, and you say that the man beat you and ... (sighs) It's so crazy, man. It's so crazy to watch, but this is probably the first public thing where a guy who's a famous guy and a girl who's a famous girl are in a spat, and the guy's winning.

Bert Kreischer 18:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:54 We've never seen one of these before.

Bert Kreischer 18:55 Oh, never. Never.

Joe Rogan 18:56 Never.

Bert Kreischer 18:58 Cosby's probably gonna be going, "I wish I had Johnny's team." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:02 Well, he's out.

Bert Kreischer 19:03 Cosby's out?

Joe Rogan 19:03 Yes.

Narrator 19:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:04 Cosby's out.

Bert Kreischer 19:04 What happened? He, did he escape?

Narrator 19:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:06 He ... There was an ex- (laughs)

Narrator 19:08 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 19:08 (laughs) "Don't mind me. I'm just cleaning up over here."

Joe Rogan 19:12 (laughs)

Narrator 19:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:14 That was the worst Cosby impression ever.

Bert Kreischer 19:16 I'm bad at impressions. (laughs) Hey, ho, ho.

Joe Rogan 19:19 That's like Huggy the Bear.

Bert Kreischer 19:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:21 Yeah, he, um, he was released because if I r- if I, I think if I remember it correctly, the statement that he made in, um, he made ... There was some sort of a settlement that he had. And part of the settlement was he would give this woman the money, and he would make these statements, but the statements could not be used against him.

Bert Kreischer 19:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:41 And so he made these statements. Isn't that how ... Am I saying that right? "Because the prosecutors violated Mr. Cosby's rights by reneging on an apparent promise not to charge him, the court majority ruled." Okay. So, uh, the district attorney in Montgomery, Pennsylvania, outside Philadelphia issued a news release saying that he had decide- declined to charge Mr. Cosby over the matter. Mr. Cosby then sat for d- depositions in a separate lawsuit against him my Miss Constand where he paid her $3.38 million to settle in 2006. But a substica- subsequent district attorney reversed Mr. Castor's decision and charged the entertainer with assaulting Miss Constand after all. In the trial, prosecutors used what Mr. Cosby had said in the deposition, his admission that in decades past, he had given Quaaludes to women in an effort to have sex with them as evidence against him. So, that was it. So, we hold that when a prosecutor makes an unconditional promise of non-prosecution and when the defendant relies upon that guarantee to the detriment of his constitutional right not to testify, the principle of fundamental fairness that undergrids the due process ... Undergirds, rather. Due pro- I don't even know what that word is. Undergird? Have you ever heard that word?

Narrator 20:58 No.

Joe Rogan 20:58 Due process of our law and our criminal justice system demands that the promise be enforced. So, they let him out.

Bert Kreischer 21:05 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 21:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 21:06 I would, I would love to hear Cosby be 100% honest about drugging women.

Joe Rogan 21:12 (sighs) I think he can't. I think it's like OJ. You know, we were talking about this last night, that if you, like, talked to OJ's ... "Well, I came home, and, uh, you know, I just ... I went to the airport just like normal."

Bert Kreischer 21:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:22 "Everything was normal. And then when I got to the airport, there's a ... 'M- M- Mr. Simpson, we wanna talk to you about the murder of your wife.' Well, what? My wife was murdered?"

Narrator 21:32 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:32 "Huh?"

Narrator 21:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:34 "I mean, I was, uh, in shock. I, I, I wa- wa- I was, uh, dis- despondent."

Narrator 21:40 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:42 If ... I bet if you talked to him, he would have this ... He was talking about the Buffalo shooting the other day.

Bert Kreischer 21:47 Really?

Joe Rogan 21:47 Yeah, he was like s- sending his cond- "My condolences, Twitter world." And he's-

Bert Kreischer 21:53 His, his, his Twitter's pretty funny.

Joe Rogan 21:53 And he's, and he's giving his condol- And the fucking th- the, the, the comments are the best. Yeah, there he is.

Narrator 21:59 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 21:59 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:00 But the comments were like, uh-

Bert Kreischer 22:01 "Send my condolences."

Joe Rogan 22:02 ... "We know how against you, uh, against multiple people dying in one location you are."

Narrator 22:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:10 He got new bottom teeth it looks like.

Joe Rogan 22:11 Did he?

Bert Kreischer 22:12 It looks like it. I love when people get new teeth and then you, you ... It's, like, all you can see.

Joe Rogan 22:16 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 22:17 Those are brand new.

Joe Rogan 22:18 Oh, those are beautiful teeth.

Bert Kreischer 22:18 Those are ... Oh, he got all new teeth.

Joe Rogan 22:20 Nice teeth. You think he'd ever do that?

Bert Kreischer 22:22 He's like, "Do you ... How white do you want them?" He's like, "I want them cheating welln- cheating on me with a ..."

Narrator 22:28 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:28 Cheating on me with a busboy white. Kind of white you could cut the neck off of. You know what I'm talking about, Doug?

Joe Rogan 22:33 Oh, Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 22:35 Fucking ... I love the- It's a- You watch a movie and the white teeth just pull me out. I was gonna get my teeth done before ... I'm good right now. I was gonna get my teeth done before I did the movie, because, like, uh-

Joe Rogan 22:45 What were you gonna get done? Caps?

Bert Kreischer 22:46 I was just gonna get all new, all new teeth. All new teeth.

Narrator 22:48 Wow.

Joe Rogan 22:48 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 22:49 I already have ... Well, first of all, all my teeth are fake. I got hit in the mouth with a base- a baseball bat when I was 11. And so-

Joe Rogan 22:54 Really?

Bert Kreischer 22:54 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:55 Damn.

Bert Kreischer 22:55 Yeah, uh, I have, I have, like-

Joe Rogan 22:57 Who hit you in the mouth with a baseball bat?

Bert Kreischer 22:58 I don't know the kid's name.

Narrator 23:00 Was it an accident?

Bert Kreischer 23:01 Uh, no- Yeah, it was an accident. I was playing catch. There was a passed ball.

Narrator 23:04 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 23:04 I took my mask ... It was my 11th birthday, too. Took my mask off, threw it down to, uh, third base, and the kid brought the bat back, hit my mouth. Cracked all my teeth back to, like, my molars. Like, I, like, I ate a baseball bat.

Joe Rogan 23:17 Let me see your teeth.

Narrator 23:17 Wow.

Joe Rogan 23:18 They look pretty fucking good.

Bert Kreischer 23:19 Well, they're fuck- they're a fucking mess right now.

Joe Rogan 23:21 But they look good for fake teeth.

Bert Kreischer 23:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They look like real teeth.

Joe Rogan 23:24 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:24 And so I was gonna get them redone and my wife's like, "No." She's like, "I don- no one will be able to watch your goddamn movie 'cause they'll be looking at your teeth. You don't ... You'll look weird with brand new teeth."

Joe Rogan 23:33 She's probably right.

Bert Kreischer 23:34 Yeah, so I kept regular teeth.

Joe Rogan 23:35 Conor McGregor got new teeth. They're fucking so obvious.

Bert Kreischer 23:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:38 They're like shiny pearly white. And people are like, "God, look at his teeth. They look ridiculous." I'm like, "They look good."

Bert Kreischer 23:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:44 Look at your new teeth.

Bert Kreischer 23:45 It's like-

Joe Rogan 23:46 It's just ... It's just teeth, you know? It's like they're these hard things you chew food with. Like, the obsession with getting the ones that you're born with only seems a little odd.

Bert Kreischer 23:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:55 You know? You wanna know really dark shit that I found out-

Bert Kreischer 23:58 Please.

Joe Rogan 23:58 ... from Duncan? George Washington had fake teeth from slaves that he owned. They pulled the teeth out of slaves and made him molars.

Bert Kreischer 24:09 Wow.

Joe Rogan 24:09 And made him, uh, dentures rather.

Bert Kreischer 24:11 Fu- fuck.

Joe Rogan 24:12 So, fuck. So, look at, uh, George Washington's teeth. Like, find this. So, you know, George Washington had, like, this crazy set up. Those were teeth from his slaves.

Narrator 24:23 I thought his teeth were made of wood or something.

Joe Rogan 24:24 No, it's wood around it. That's wood holding it in place.... that's his teeth. That's what it looked like with springs?

Bert Kreischer 24:32 Oh, fuck. Look at the back.

Joe Rogan 24:32 So, he had those springs in his mouth? Is that why his mouth was always, like, like, he had ... Look at that photo of him down there. Look how his mouth sticks out.

Bert Kreischer 24:39 He's trying to hold his teeth down.

Joe Rogan 24:41 Oh, my God. That's so nuts.

Bert Kreischer 24:43 He had-

Joe Rogan 24:43 So, the mou- the, the springs kept the teeth in his mouth. Holy shit, dude. That's him down there with no teeth and a mouth full of slave teeth.

Bert Kreischer 24:54 Fuck.

Joe Rogan 24:56 Fuck, that's evil.

Bert Kreischer 24:57 Imagine him coming home smiling at his slaves and they're like, "Yeah, those are my teeth."

Joe Rogan 25:01 Oh, my God. That's so crazy.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 25:03 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 25:03 Look at that. That's what his teeth looked like, and they were all pulled from slaves.

Bert Kreischer 25:07 God dammit. I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 25:09 How come we never learned that in school?

Bert Kreischer 25:12 (laughs)

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 25:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:14 Like, for real. Why are we learning that now on the internet? It's not like that infor- it's on- it was a, "A new story broke!" No, it didn't. He's been dead for 300 fucking years. How is it possible that this is coming out now?

Bert Kreischer 25:26 You just need a cool history teacher. Like, Duncan would be a cool history teacher.

Joe Rogan 25:29 I don't kno- do you think ... I mean, obviously someone knew that otherwise it wouldn't be out there now. So, it must-

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 25:35 What grade do you learn that in, 'cause you can't teach that to a seven-year-old. They'd be like, "What?"

Joe Rogan 25:39 Maybe you can.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 25:39 "What does that mean, pulling teeth? You have to teach 'em all that stuff." Maybe you should. When did they teach kids about slavery?

Bert Kreischer 25:44 I don't know.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 25:45 Well, yeah, I guess, you know, um ...

Bert Kreischer 25:46 Yeah, you learn about slavery pretty quick.

Joe Rogan 25:48 Right. Slavery is almost, I mean, it's basically pulling a slave's teeth out and slavery are both horrific. There's no, like, one better than the other.

Bert Kreischer 25:57 They kinda whitewashed-

Joe Rogan 25:58 Like, "Hey, I was a s- I g- I kept slaves but I never pulled their teeth out." Like, Jesus Christ, you imprisoned a human being and robbed them of their literal life-

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 26:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:06 ... and made them work for you forever.

Bert Kreischer 26:08 But they whit- they kinda whitewashed-

Joe Rogan 26:09 You own them.

Bert Kreischer 26:09 ... slavery up until Roots came out. Like, they didn't really dive into just how bad it was, from what I, from what I've heard, until Roots came out. Roots was the first representation-

Joe Rogan 26:19 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 26:19 ... of what, of them ... When they crippled Jody.

Joe Rogan 26:21 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 26:22 And they broke, they hobbled him 'cause he kept running away.

Joe Rogan 26:24 They cut the top of his foot off, right?

Bert Kreischer 26:26 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:26 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 26:26 And that's how ... And then, I think, that was the first time that America was like ... I think it was like, had an open, honest conversation about slavery.

Joe Rogan 26:35 Yes.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 26:36 They're like-

Joe Rogan 26:36 Yeah.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 26:36 ... "Yeah, we have some explaining to do."

Joe Rogan 26:38 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 26:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:39 And that was probably one of the first times where reparations was brought up.

Bert Kreischer 26:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:43 That was probably one of the first, 'cause there's, there's companies that, to this day, in their original origin, like, when they, they were around during slavery and they had slaves, they profited off of slaves, and they're still around. Those companies made a profit that was the foundation of the business that they enjoy today. And it came from slavery.

Bert Kreischer 27:04 F-

Joe Rogan 27:04 If anybody should pay reparations, it's those people, right?

Bert Kreischer 27:08 It's the same with Germany.

Joe Rogan 27:09 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 27:10 They've used the Jews to blow up big companies that are still around today. What's the dude that did all the outfits? Vidal Sassoon or something?

Joe Rogan 27:18 What?

Bert Kreischer 27:18 Who did all the outfits?

Joe Rogan 27:20 (laughs) The dude that did all the outfits.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:21 No, he did ... It's, uh ...

Bert Kreischer 27:23 Gucci?

Joe Rogan 27:24 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:25 It's Gucci.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:25 It's one of 'em. It is. It is a big one.

Joe Rogan 27:27 What is it? What is Gucci?

Bert Kreischer 27:27 You think it's Gucci?

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:27 What are you saying? What did they do?

Joe Rogan 27:28 Yeah, they did all the ... They designed the Nazi stuff. Oh, my God. Really?

Bert Kreischer 27:32 Hugo Boss.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:32 Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss.

Joe Rogan 27:34 Oh, wow.

Bert Kreischer 27:34 That's why the Nazis looked so fucking dope.

Joe Rogan 27:36 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:36 Their outfits are fucking-

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:38 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 27:38 Out of all the villains' outfits, that has been the standard prototype for what a villain should look like.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:43 No doubt.

Joe Rogan 27:44 I, I did not know that Hugo Boss was around back then.

Bert Kreischer 27:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:48 Big five name fashion designers who had ties to Nazis. Whoa!

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:53 Coco Chanel.

Joe Rogan 27:54 Whoa!

Bert Kreischer 27:55 Chanel's another one. Louis Vuitton.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 27:57 Christian Dior.

Joe Rogan 27:57 Who was the other one above that?

Bert Kreischer 27:58 Christian Dior does their deodorant.

Joe Rogan 27:58 Above Christian Dior? Louis Vuitton?

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 28:01 Uh, Balenciaga?

Joe Rogan 28:02 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 28:02 I don't know what that is.

Joe Rogan 28:03 Jamie knows all that stuff. You hear how he says it so comfortably?

Bert Kreischer 28:05 Balenciaga?

Joe Rogan 28:06 Like he's been saying it a lot.

Bert Kreischer 28:07 I'm so stupid. I see a word like that and I just go-

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 28:09 It never hurts

Narrator 28:09 We're ready, guys.

Bert Kreischer 28:09 ... it's too big for me to say. I'm gonna guess it.

Joe Rogan 28:11 Y- yeah. Well, dude, when I do the, uh, post-fight, uh, or, uh, uh, weigh-in interviews-

Narrator 28:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:16 ... rather, weigh-in, read people's names, I'm fucking terrible at that. Some- 'cause some of these names I'm, I'm just learning for the first time, like guys who are making their debuts.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 28:26 Some of them, uh, they argue over how to say it. Like, everybody argues over-

Joe Rogan 28:30 Sometimes.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 28:31 ... those s-

Joe Rogan 28:31 Yeah.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 28:31 There's a few that I've noticed that literally their, like, names evolve and change and stuff.

Joe Rogan 28:35 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 28:36 It's crazy, H- Hassan Minhaj, I'm saying his name, name wrong now.

Joe Rogan 28:39 Are you?

Bert Kreischer 28:39 I'm certain I, I'm certain I am, because he went on, uh, like, Seth Meyers and was like, "Yeah, everyone's been saying my name wrong the whole time."

Joe Rogan 28:46 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 28:47 And i- and it's ... I think it's ... I think there's an em- ... I, I don't wanna fuck it up 'cause I like the guy. But, like, I think there's an emphasis on the first part. It's Hassan-

Joe Rogan 28:56 Uh-

Bert Kreischer 28:56 ... Hassan.

Joe Rogan 28:56 Oh, Hassan. Right.

Bert Kreischer 28:57 ... Minhaj.

Joe Rogan 28:57 Mm. Well, Fedor. Fedor Emelianenko? That's not how you say his name. His name is Fyodor.

Bert Kreischer 29:04 Fyodor. Fyodor?

Joe Rogan 29:04 Fyodor.

Bert Kreischer 29:04 Igors are not Igors, they're Igor. I- Igor.

Joe Rogan 29:07 Really?

Bert Kreischer 29:08 I fucking forget. Yeah, it's, it's-

Joe Rogan 29:09 Like, Igor?

Bert Kreischer 29:09 Yeah. It's not, it's not Igor. We say Igor 'cause we learned it as kids, as the guy that brought the thing, "Igor, come get my help."

Joe Rogan 29:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 29:17 But it's, uh, it's Igor.

Joe Rogan 29:19 Oh, yeah. Well, the Russian language is so fascinating. I mean, it's, it's so interesting, like the sounds that they make. ƒо¬во¬и¬тοр. You know? It's, like, this weird movement of your mouth to say all those ... Фёдор. Фёдор Эмяляненко.

Bert Kreischer 29:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:36 You know? It's like ... But for whatever reason, they decided people can't say Fyodor, so you gotta call it Fedor. But people can say Schwarzenegger?

Bert Kreischer 29:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:44 They can say Arnold Schwarzenegger? That worked okay-

Bert Kreischer 29:46 No, but his isn't-

Joe Rogan 29:47 ... but Fyodor is hard?

Bert Kreischer 29:47 But his isn't pronounced that way. It's Schwarzenegger.

Joe Rogan 29:50 Schwarzenegger.

Bert Kreischer 29:51 You gotta do it ...

Joe Rogan 29:51 It's an S. Is that how it's supposed to-

Bert Kreischer 29:51 I wanna start doing that with myself.

Joe Rogan 29:54 Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bert Kreischer 29:55 Is that how he says it? Like, you know how, you know how, like, like, Latino comics will, uh, when they bring 'em onstage-

Joe Rogan 29:59 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 29:59 ... they're like, "Put your hands together for, uh, Gabriel Iglesias"?

Joe Rogan 30:04 Yes. Yes.

Bert Kreischer 30:04 Like, they'll, they'll put a spin on it.

Joe Rogan 30:05 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:05 I wanna start doing that for me. "Put your ... " Bert Kreicher!

Joe Rogan 30:10 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 30:10 Kreicher! Kreicher!

Joe Rogan 30:11 I like it. I like it. There's a lot of shit that's whitewashed about history that you find out later. And you're like, "How am I just learning now that Columbus was a cunt?" Like, Columbus was a horrible person.

Guest (uncertain which, brief aside) 30:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:23 And, uh, like, a literal serial killer. Like, they came to the Bahamas. They saw the, the natives that were living there. They'd chop people's arms off if they didn't give them enough gold. They, they bashed babies' brains out on the rocks in front of their mothers. They did horrible shit.

Bert Kreischer 30:39 Yeah, shit's gotten so much better since then.

Joe Rogan 30:42 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:43 Like, when you think about ... I, the idea of being enslaved-... is insane to me. And when I'm saying that, I'm not just talking about... I'm talking about what the Portuguese did down the coast of Africa. Like, there was this book called, uh, something about Portuguese people. And, uh, I listened to it on tape. And they would have, they would come down the coast of Africa, and to trade, and they'd ha- say, "Tell the king to send out his daughter. We want her." And then they'd be like... And he'd be like, "I'm not sending out my daughter." They're like, "Tell the king to come out here." And then they would shit in his throat and shove pork down his throat in the shit, and then go back and go, "Now send your daughter." He'd be like, "Hey, I gotta go with these people." (snorts) The, the-

Joe Rogan 31:23 Oh, God.

Bert Kreischer 31:25 I wish I knew the name of that book.

Narrator 31:26 What's the point of putting the pork in?

Bert Kreischer 31:27 The Conquerors! That's it!

Joe Rogan 31:29 The Conquerors, Roger Crowley. And the, the, it talks in there about them shoving shit down his throat?

Bert Kreischer 31:35 Shit down a, a, a Muslim king's throat-

Narrator 31:38 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 31:38 ... and then pork, pork on top of the shit 'cause you're not allowed to eat pork if you're Muslim.

Joe Rogan 31:41 It's kind of crazy that there's so many countries that, to this day, speak Portuguese because of the slave trade. Like, in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. It's not Portugal, it's South America, but they speak Portuguese.

Bert Kreischer 31:54 And that's because of the slave trade?

Joe Rogan 31:56 It has to be. It has to be.

Bert Kreischer 31:58 Portugue- Portugal used to be one of the titans.

Joe Rogan 32:01 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 32:01 Like, that was like... I mean, think about it. They got the best property in all of Europe.

Narrator 32:05 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 32:05 They're right on that coast. Spain doesn't have that.

Narrator 32:08 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 32:09 Spain's gotta go through a fucking peninsula, and then like, out... Portugue- Portugal had the best fucking land.

Joe Rogan 32:16 I think it was Google that, um, in Brazil they speak Portuguese because of the slave trade. "As a result, Portuguese is now the official language of several independent countries and regions. Angola, Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Guinea-Bissau, Macau, Mozambique, Portugal, and Sao Tor-" I don't know how to say that, "Sao Tome and Principe. Portuguese ranked fifth amongst world languages in the number of native speakers, is also widely spoken or studied as a second language in many other countries." So, uh, Portugal created the first and longest-lived modern world colonial and commercial empire in the 1400s.

Narrator 32:56 Up until 1975.

Bert Kreischer 32:56 1975.

Joe Rogan 32:58 Wow.

Narrator 32:59 Wow.

Joe Rogan 33:00 But one of the ways they did this, for sure, is slavery.

Bert Kreischer 33:04 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:06 (coughs) It's wild. You read the shit about Columbus, it's, it's scary. It's terrifying because there's a day dedicated to this guy. Like I don't think they do it anymore, right? Don't they call it Indigenous Peoples Day?

Narrator 33:18 Hmm, depends where you are.

Joe Rogan 33:19 But in some places they still call it Columbus Day.

Bert Kreischer 33:21 It's on my calendar as Columbus Day.

Joe Rogan 33:23 That, it's cr- wild to give that guy a holiday. Wild.

Narrator 33:26 Oh, we lived in Columbus, Ohio, Jamie and I. There's multiple statues of him there.

Bert Kreischer 33:30 Oh, that?

Joe Rogan 33:31 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:31 I didn't even realize. That's the Columbus?

Joe Rogan 33:34 Bro, people... (snorts) That's so funny.

Narrator 33:36 Wait till you find out about-

Bert Kreischer 33:37 He, he made it to Ohio. (laughs)

Narrator 33:37 Wait till you find out who Washington's named after. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 33:41 (laughs)

Narrator 33:41 They had a full-sized, uh, Santa Maria ship there for up until maybe five, six years ago.

Joe Rogan 33:46 Really?

Narrator 33:46 Sitting in the, on the river.

Joe Rogan 33:48 Really? Oh, like a recreation?

Narrator 33:51 Yeah, but like, y- full. It's, and it's now it's on someone's farm.

Joe Rogan 33:54 You know, a lot of those building, a lot of those ships rather, they restore them. They restore these old ships. But the problem is, where's the ship? Like, what is that now? That's a new ship. That's not the old ship. You put new wood in it.

Bert Kreischer 34:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:08 Like if you put new wood and restore a ship, that's not the ship anymore. So this is like-

Bert Kreischer 34:12 Yeah, 'cause it's not a house.

Joe Rogan 34:13 Right, yeah. There's like this debate about that. Like what do you... Like, you know that story about the, the f- the fake Leonardo da Vinci painting? Or supposedly fake, allegedly fake. There's a, a male Mona Lisa that's like Jesus, it looks like Jesus. And, uh, the original painting was retouched and redone by this woman painstakingly over years. She essentially made a new painting, but the painting sold for $450 million. And, uh, MBS from, uh, Saudi Arabia. That's what it looked like when they got it, and they had to take all these layers of shitty paint off. And in the process, the, the art investigators or whoever it would be determined that there's a high probability that this is a Leonardo da Vinci. It's a lost Leonardo. Since then, it's gone into a lot of dispute, and there's objective art analysts that do not believe that this is a lost, uh, Leonardo da Vinci. And then there's other ones that may be connected to it that do believe it. It's, the problem is the amount of money to be made off a Leonardo da Vinci was absurd, so there's a certain amount of incentive for them to say that it was a Leonardo da Vinci. And I don't think it was substantiated before the auction, so it was sold to the highest bidder, which was $450 million. And then it came out like over time what the process was, and The Lost Leonardo is a documentary that I saw. And it is fucking wild to see what happened. It's essentially like they all were like wink, wink, nudge, nudge, "Let's sell this thing as Leonardo, and let's sell this thing after this lady essentially repainted the whole thing." I think there's a, a large percentage. See what the percentage of this painting is redone. It's a crazy percentage. Like you read it and you go, "What? 90%?" Like, something nuts like that.

Bert Kreischer 36:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:06 Where the, the, it's a beautiful painting, but it's really this woman who's an expert painter painting over this really old paint with new paint, and they're selling it like an old painting. Like that's not really an old... You painted on an old painting, but it's not an old painting.

Bert Kreischer 36:25 Yeah, I-

Joe Rogan 36:26 Right?

Bert Kreischer 36:26 That's why I don't buy art.

Joe Rogan 36:28 Ah.

Bert Kreischer 36:28 It's like what the... I, like-

Joe Rogan 36:29 Well, you can't buy that kind of art. That kind of art is like look-at-the-size-of-my-dick art, you know?

Bert Kreischer 36:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:34 I have $450 million just slapping that giant dick on the table.

Bert Kreischer 36:38 What, uh, what happens to those people? Why do they do that?

Joe Rogan 36:41 Well, I mean, he's a prince in Saudi Arabia. That's the least of the things that he's been accused of doing.

Bert Kreischer 36:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:46 This is...This is the guy that was accused of, uh, killing Jam- Jamal Khashoggi, or having, having Jamal Khashoggi killed.

Bert Kreischer 36:52 For real?

Tony Hinchcliffe 36:52 I was watching some of that. A very interesting thing they were bringing up is that, uh, you can store those paintings in the, like the movie Tenant is about the-

Bert Kreischer 37:02 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:02 ... way they store that shit. While it's being stored there, they can take out loans on that and get tho- the loans tax free.

Joe Rogan 37:07 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:07 So it's like a way of moving money.

Bert Kreischer 37:09 Oh.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:09 It's like, you have a $200 million painting, then you get a $200 million loan.

Joe Rogan 37:11 Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:12 No taxes.

Joe Rogan 37:12 Yes. Yes.

Bert Kreischer 37:13 That movie Tenant's so fucking awesome.

Joe Rogan 37:15 Yeah. It's a genius way of doing that.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:17 And that's one of the reasons why I bet it's probably common to have fake paintings.

Bert Kreischer 37:23 Sweet. Is that what NFTs are, just a way to move money?

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:25 Hmm. It's, no, but-

Joe Rogan 37:27 NFTs complicated.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:28 ... you could definitely probably put that in. I'm sure that's happening, definitely.

Joe Rogan 37:30 They confuse the shit out of me.

Bert Kreischer 37:32 Dude.

Joe Rogan 37:33 Yeah. I know people that have gotten rich off of them, like artists that have gotten rich off NFTs. I'm like, "Okay. Okay, okay." I mean, I'm not hating. I just don't understand it.

Bert Kreischer 37:41 I don't get it. I don't-

Joe Rogan 37:42 So I could get a photo of that and have that photo on my phone. And it looks exactly like what you have.

Bert Kreischer 37:48 But-

Joe Rogan 37:48 But you paid $1 million.

Bert Kreischer 37:49 So then, what- let's-

Joe Rogan 37:50 Here he goes.

Bert Kreischer 37:50 Let's-

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:51 My hair stands.

Joe Rogan 37:51 Wait, just a quick... I... if you send me a screenshot-

Bert Kreischer 37:54 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:54 Here he goes.

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:54 If you send me a screenshot of your bank account, I don't have that money.

Joe Rogan 37:58 Right. So you could-

Tony Hinchcliffe 37:59 That's the same-

Joe Rogan 37:59 So someone could buy that NFT, and that's why it's worth a million bucks.

Tony Hinchcliffe 38:02 That's it. Only because of what's tied to the back end of it.

Joe Rogan 38:05 Right. Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 38:06 That's it.

Joe Rogan 38:06 It's non-fungible birth certificate.

Tony Hinchcliffe 38:07 I don't mean it's better. I'm just saying that's it.

Bert Kreischer 38:09 Add this to the list of shit I'll never understand.

Joe Rogan 38:12 Yeah. It's on there. It's on there.

Bert Kreischer 38:13 I remember email was on there for a while for me.

Tony Hinchcliffe 38:15 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 38:16 I was like, I- I remember, I remember being in college and she was like, "So I need you, for your assignment, you're gonna email the s- short story you wrote." And I remember getting on my, sitting in front of a com- computer going... I was like, cut and paste. How do I cut it out of here? Like, I remember going like, do I actually cut? Do I print it, and then cut it, and then feed it back in or something? I did- I could not wrap my head around it.

Joe Rogan 38:39 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 38:39 And I, and then I, and then this poor woman, Pat, Pat McNulty-

Joe Rogan 38:43 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 38:43 ... was her name. She sat with me and she was like, "It's an email." I said, "I don't know what that is." I was like, "I really-"

Joe Rogan 38:47 What year are we talking?

Bert Kreischer 38:48 1997.

Joe Rogan 38:49 Well, that's early.

Bert Kreischer 38:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:52 '97 was people... When did you first email people?

Tony Hinchcliffe 38:55 That's a right, right around then.

Joe Rogan 38:56 Right around then?

Bert Kreischer 38:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:58 Yeah. I think it was al- a lot of people weren't emailing in '97.

Bert Kreischer 39:02 Yeah. Well, I remember I got an email address and, and they were like... Oh, I got the internet, I had Prodigy, and a- all I could use it for was to get the lines for the sports scores and then check the weather. But I was like, "I can just go outside. I don't need to-

Joe Rogan 39:15 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 39:15 ... like, look at the weather and oh."

Joe Rogan 39:17 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 39:17 But I really didn't understand the internet for a very long time.

Joe Rogan 39:21 Yeah. I don't think... Most people don't understand the internet.

Bert Kreischer 39:23 I remember getting in arguments. They're like, "Yeah, one day you're gonna be shopping on the internet." And I go, "Okay, you're telling me I'm not gonna go to the grocery store and pick out the bread I want. I'll just go have bread sent to my house." And now that's all we do.

Joe Rogan 39:34 You could literally say it into your phone. That's what's crazy.

Bert Kreischer 39:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:37 You talk into your phone, "Have bread delivered to my house."

Bert Kreischer 39:40 It's insane. We probably have seen the biggest change in technology in our lifetimes.

Joe Rogan 39:46 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe in human history.

Bert Kreischer 39:49 In human history.

Joe Rogan 39:50 Yeah. In our lifetimes, we've seen the biggest change in how people live their lives in human history. First of all, just the access to information.

Bert Kreischer 39:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:57 Just the fact that you... Like, my kids do it all the time. They ask Siri questions. Like, they don't know an answer to something, they go, "Hey, Siri, you know, what is the capital of the, the country Georgia?" You know? And then boom, they'll pull it up like, "There it is." Like, you can do that now. It's... That was science fiction. When we were kids, everyone was dumb.

Bert Kreischer 40:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:17 Nobody had any data. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 40:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:20 And the stories that people told, they could be 100% bullshit 'cause nobody could back them up.

Bert Kreischer 40:25 Dude.

Joe Rogan 40:25 Nobody could go find them and find the data. There was... You'd have to go to a fucking library. They'd have to investigate. There were probably so many more liars back then than now.

Bert Kreischer 40:32 Dude, there's... I bet the con- number of con artists has gone down. I remember meeting a con artist freshman year of college. He was like a guy that just lived in lies, and he lied to all of us, and we all sat and listened and... I loved the guy. The guy was fucking fascinating. His life was amazing.

Joe Rogan 40:47 It was all fake.

Bert Kreischer 40:48 And, and, and then, and then one day, uh, that was at summer school, and then people that knew him showed up to college and were like, "Oh, don't believe a word he says. Everything he says is a lie."

Joe Rogan 40:59 Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 41:00 I- I've actually looked for this guy. I know he's changed his name. I've looked for him a couple times.

Joe Rogan 41:04 He's probably got like a, a, like some sort of foreign name now.

Bert Kreischer 41:08 He was a good-looking guy.

Joe Rogan 41:09 Javier.

Tony Hinchcliffe 41:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 41:10 You know, something like that, something with some flair or something.

Tony Hinchcliffe 41:12 Nobody ever goes with, like, a boring white name.

Bert Kreischer 41:14 He spoke Portuguese, or we think he did. We don't know because none of us spoke Portuguese.

Joe Rogan 41:18 He was making up fake Portuguese.

Bert Kreischer 41:19 Dude, I- I loved... I... This guy was so fun too.

Joe Rogan 41:23 (speaks Portuguese)

Tony Hinchcliffe 41:24 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:25 Wow.

Joe Rogan 41:26 Hey, what percentage of the Salvador Monday was, uh, fake, was retouched? 'Cause it get- it gets brought up in the documentary.

Bert Kreischer 41:34 Are we drinking this one?

Tony Hinchcliffe 41:34 They relayed an honest-

Joe Rogan 41:35 Yeah, yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 41:35 ... tip that 90% of it was painted in the last 50 years.

Joe Rogan 41:38 90%. 90%. Do you think they told that guy that before he spent 450 million bucks?

Bert Kreischer 41:46 Oof. Would it change your opinion of, say, uh, Ali Wong. Ali Wong's a safe place. Would you change your opinion of Ali Wong if you found out 90% of her act was written by someone else?

Joe Rogan 41:58 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 41:59 Yeah. 100%.

Joe Rogan 42:00 Yes. Yes.

Bert Kreischer 42:01 I- I'm really litigious about that.

Joe Rogan 42:03 But it's not-

Bert Kreischer 42:03 I won't even take tags from people-

Joe Rogan 42:05 You can-

Bert Kreischer 42:05 ... 'cause I get, I get weird about it, 'cause I go, "I didn't write it."

Joe Rogan 42:09 You could never-

Bert Kreischer 42:09 Tox gave me a great one one time.

Joe Rogan 42:10 Oh, you wouldn't take it?

Bert Kreischer 42:12 I wouldn't take it. It was awesome. It was a great one.

Joe Rogan 42:14 Oh, you gotta take tags. I take tags.

Bert Kreischer 42:16 He-

Joe Rogan 42:16 Tony takes tags.

Bert Kreischer 42:17 His tag-

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:17 Of course.

Bert Kreischer 42:17 I had a joke about dating a Black chick. I wanted to date a Black chick. And, uh, that... It was like an- an act out story about wanting to date a Black chick. And then he said, "You need to start that with, I want to date a Black chick, just as long as she's never had sex with a Black guy." (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:32 And I was like, "Oh, that's so fucking funny. I wish I had thought of that." What is Daniel Tosh doing?

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:37 He's here actually tonight.

Bert Kreischer 42:40 What?

Joe Rogan 42:41 He's here tonight? Where?

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:42 Let me make sure of that.

Joe Rogan 42:44 At The Paramount?

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:44 I was... Or it could be this weekend. I remember seeing an ad that he was in town this weekend or something.

Joe Rogan 42:48 No shit.

Bert Kreischer 42:49 No way.

Joe Rogan 42:49 I haven't talked to that guy in forever. I wanna say hi to him.

Bert Kreischer 42:51 He's great.

Tony Hinchcliffe 42:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:52 He's a sweetheart of a guy. He's very smart too. Very smart.And we, we both dislike the same people. It's fun. (laughs) It's fun to have conversations with him.

Tony Hinchcliffe 43:02 Uh, tomorrow. Tomorrow and Friday.

Joe Rogan 43:05 Hmm. That's dope. I got tomorrow off.

Tony Hinchcliffe 43:07 Movie theater.

Joe Rogan 43:08 At the movie? Oh, that's, that's east.

Tony Hinchcliffe 43:10 And then... Oh, yeah, just tomorrow. Just Thursday.

Joe Rogan 43:11 Just Thursday, okay. Maybe have to say hi to Daniel Tosh.

Bert Kreischer 43:15 He was... I met him right when we had, when we had Georgia. I did the Miami Improv. And, uh, we're very, very different men, you know.

Joe Rogan 43:23 Really?

Bert Kreischer 43:23 Like, the things we like. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:24 Weird.

Bert Kreischer 43:24 Yeah, we're very... Weird. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:26 For real?

Bert Kreischer 43:26 Yeah. (laughs) I'm party my dick off and he's stone sober. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:30 Does he even get high or anything?

Bert Kreischer 43:31 No, he doesn't do anything.

Joe Rogan 43:32 Wow. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 43:33 And, uh, but we like, uh, we liked each other. Like, we got a-... We got along really well. And then I got back to LA and he called me and he was like, "Hey, man, I wanna get you in at the Comedy and Magic place." And he, like, vouched for me-

Joe Rogan 43:45 Oh, nice.

Bert Kreischer 43:45 ... and I went down. Like, he's just this... A really sweet guy.

Joe Rogan 43:47 Yeah, he's a good dude.

Bert Kreischer 43:48 I remember we were broke too and he came to play poker with me and he went, pick... Came and picked me up and, uh... And I said to LeeAnn, "Hey, can I have a $100?" She said, "We don't have it." And he goes... And I said, "No, I know, I know, but give me the bank card and I'll go get it." She goes, "No, we don't have $100." And I said, "Babe, come on. I just need $100. I'm gonna play poker tonight. I'm not gonna lose. I'll bring back money, the money." She goes, "No, we don't have it," and Daniel goes, "I'm so uncomfortable right now." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:11 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 44:11 He goes, "Can I just give you $100?" And I said yeah and we walked out. (laughs) He gave me 100 bucks, bucks to gamble with. He goes, "I'm so uncomfortable right now." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:19 Wow. You were ready to gamble and you didn't have a hundred bucks?

Bert Kreischer 44:23 Well, I didn't know that I didn't have a hundred bucks. I've never, I've never been on top of my finances, Joe.

Joe Rogan 44:27 (laughs) But that's, that's not on top of it. That's not even in the remote vicinity of your finances.

Bert Kreischer 44:32 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:33 If you're down to $100 that you don't have, that's not-

Bert Kreischer 44:37 What's the brokest you've ever been?

Joe Rogan 44:39 I've been broke as fuck. Car's repossessed.

Bert Kreischer 44:41 Like, so broke all you're eating is peanut butter and garlic?

Joe Rogan 44:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, eating ramen.

Bert Kreischer 44:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:45 Yeah. Yeah, broke as fuck. As a early comic, so broke. Yeah, just barely eating enough. You know, I'd look forward to gigs. I would get gigs at Dangerfield's in New York City because Dangerfield's you get a free cheeseburger. And they made a... They made a great cheeseburger at Dangerfield's, so I would... I would take gigs just so that would be my dinner. I would knew, knew that I had food.

Bert Kreischer 45:07 The Cellar was like that for a lot of people.

Joe Rogan 45:09 Oh, yeah?

Bert Kreischer 45:10 Oh, yeah, because the Cellar was-

Joe Rogan 45:10 That's a nice thing. That's a nice thing if you had that. The problem is, like, serving food at a comedy club sucks. Then the people are eating, "Mm, mm, mm," looking up. They're not paying attention to the show. They should be watching the show. When you're serving food, it's like... I mean, it's convenient if you wanna just eat something, but really it should be like two separate things. There's a restaurant next door, you eat at the restaurant, then you go in and watch the show and you don't eat food in front of you. You know, but... Yeah, I was broke as fuck, man.

Bert Kreischer 45:34 How do you gonna... How are you gonna give that to your kids?

Joe Rogan 45:37 (sighs) Oh, God.

Bert Kreischer 45:37 You ever think about that?

Joe Rogan 45:38 You can't. They have a different life. Their life is, uh, the life of somebody who went through that. There's no way you could change that unless you wanna, like, subject your kids to abject poverty and, like, abandon them somewhere and make them... Treat them like shit. It's like-

Tony Hinchcliffe 45:49 They should have like an escape room for that for rich people. Drop your kids off for two weeks, they just scare the shit out of them.

Bert Kreischer 45:55 (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 45:55 Like, "What is this?"

Joe Rogan 45:56 Scared straight.

Tony Hinchcliffe 45:56 They're just eating stuff out of a poor person's refrigerator.

Bert Kreischer 46:00 Oh.

Joe Rogan 46:00 Kids...

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:01 This is... Uh, welcome, kids. This is American cheese.

Joe Rogan 46:04 Right.

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:04 That's it.

Joe Rogan 46:04 No, this is government cheese.

Bert Kreischer 46:06 American cheese. American cheese is fucking awesome.

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:07 Oh, I agree.

Bert Kreischer 46:08 (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:08 I mean...

Joe Rogan 46:09 Government cheese is crazy. Like, they would just... If you're, you're poor and you don't have any food, they just give you a block of cheese. That is terrible cheese.

Bert Kreischer 46:16 Really?

Joe Rogan 46:17 Yeah. You ever have government cheese?

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:18 I never had the government cheese. I always thought that was just a figure of speech. I-

Bert Kreischer 46:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:22 No, it's real. I don't know-

Bert Kreischer 46:24 You just thought it was something black comics talked about?

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:26 (laughs) Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 46:26 That's all I've ever heard, is black comics talking about government cheese.

Joe Rogan 46:28 Look at Ronald Reagan holding up the government cheese, and knowing what you know about George Washington now, doesn't that make you sad?

Bert Kreischer 46:35 God.

Joe Rogan 46:36 Look at that. Could you imagine chewing that government cheese with those George Washington teeth?

Bert Kreischer 46:40 I'm gonna be thinking about those George Washington teeth for a long time.

Joe Rogan 46:43 That's wild, man. That's wild. What's also wild was those... I always wondered why his cheeks stuck out.

Bert Kreischer 46:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:48 And now you know why his cheeks stuck out, 'cause he had fucking springs in them.

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:51 Whoa.

46:52 You should check out some of the podcasts that Shane and Louis did about pre- presidents. A lot of fucking-

Joe Rogan 46:56 I heard it was amazing.

Bert Kreischer 46:57 It's good.

Tony Hinchcliffe 46:58 Shane and Louis.

Joe Rogan 46:58 I heard it was amazing.

Bert Kreischer 46:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:59 They did a whole series.

Bert Kreischer 47:00 Shane... Gillis?

Joe Rogan 47:00 Louis C.K.

Tony Hinchcliffe 47:01 They go through every president?

Joe Rogan 47:02 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 47:02 Oh, really?

Tony Hinchcliffe 47:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:03 Louis C.K. knows a shitload about US presidents. So much that Sa- Saagar Enjeti, uh, from, uh, uh, Breaking Points, just did a whole thing on it-

Bert Kreischer 47:12 Really?

Joe Rogan 47:12 ... about how knowledgeable Louis C.K. is about US history, that he's more knowledgeable than him. And Saagar knows... I mean, he knows everything about politics. I mean, he's, he's like the most knowledgeable political guy I... Or one of, that I know. So to hear him say that, that Louis C.K., like, knew shit that he didn't even know.

Bert Kreischer 47:30 Really?

Joe Rogan 47:30 Yeah, he's like, like done deep dives on US presidents. Louis is smart as fuck, man. He's smart as fuck. He's a comic. He's crazy. But he's smart as fuck.

Bert Kreischer 47:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:40 And, um, those guys together... Like, Shane knows a shitload about history too. Shane is a very smart guy, like a d-... Like an undercover smart guy. You know?

Bert Kreischer 47:50 Undercover meaning he does not look like a person with intelligence? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 47:53 Well, he's... He acts like he's not smart. He acts like a big silly drunk goose.

Bert Kreischer 47:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:58 You know, he did a podcast with us. You know, we do that Protect Our Parks podcast?

Bert Kreischer 48:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:01 He drank 15 beers.

Bert Kreischer 48:03 (laughs) I've seen that before.

Joe Rogan 48:05 15.

Bert Kreischer 48:06 That's the... He's-

Tony Hinchcliffe 48:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:06 He's fun to bring on tour with, by the way.

Joe Rogan 48:08 In three hours.

Tony Hinchcliffe 48:09 Well, he drank 11 on Kill Tony and that's only an hour and a half.

Joe Rogan 48:13 (sighs) That's insane. That's a pace, boy.

Tony Hinchcliffe 48:16 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:17 But he's good. He's good in, like, taking a night off.

Joe Rogan 48:20 Yeah?

Bert Kreischer 48:20 Yeah. He's, uh, he's legit. Like I... 'Cause I love partying with Shane.

Joe Rogan 48:24 He's a funny comic too, man.

Tony Hinchcliffe 48:25 Very funny.

Bert Kreischer 48:25 He's very... Oh, he's... Dude, he... We did, uh, the celeb-... Uh, the Celebrity Theater not, uh, not s-... But in Arizona.

Joe Rogan 48:32 Yeah, Phoenix.

Bert Kreischer 48:32 And he got a standing ovation, uh, just opening up. Standing ovation opening up for me.

Joe Rogan 48:37 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 48:38 Yeah, I'm bringing him on Fully Loaded. We just added him to Fully Loaded.

Joe Rogan 48:40 Fuck yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:40 That's awesome. That Celebrity Theater is tight. That's a good theater, man.

Bert Kreischer 48:44 He's fun and he's a good... He's a good comic, meaning he, he watches you and he talks to you about what you're doing.

Joe Rogan 48:51 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 48:51 And he's like... Gives you good, like, "Hey, it's..."

Joe Rogan 48:54 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:54 "I like what you're doing with this." Louis is the same way. Louis, uh, Louis came and did a show... Was doing a show at a theater next to me and I texted him and I was like, "Hey, I'm, I'm at the theater next to you. I got two shows. If you got one, stop by."... and I, did I tell you this already? I might have told you this.

Joe Rogan 49:06 Yeah. Yeah. That's okay, but you didn't tell me on here.

Bert Kreischer 49:07 Oh.

Joe Rogan 49:07 So tell me.

Bert Kreischer 49:08 And he goes, uh... We're backstage and I go, "Hey, man, you wanna go on?" And he was like, "Are you sure about that?" And I was like, "Yeah, man. I don't give a fuck. Like, you're my friend. You've just... You've always been nice to me. Like, I'll, I'll stand behind you. Please go on." I didn't realize he was saying are you sure about that because he's like, "Do you want me to go in front of you, and then you're gonna have a fucking pretty big hole to dig out 'cause I'm Louis fucking CK."

Joe Rogan 49:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:31 And he murdered with 10 minutes of pedophile jokes-

Joe Rogan 49:35 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:36 ... and I got-

Joe Rogan 49:36 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 49:36 ... on stage and I could not... I was, like, struggling. They are my fans. I rip my shirt off and they're like, "Uh, it's not Louis, though." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:44 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 49:45 There's a special kinda thing that they do, right? They, they, they love that shovel, like, 20, 30 year comedy vets. Oh, my God. I just had... (laughs) Joe just went up before me in Phoenix and I was saying to the guys in the greenroom, I'm like, "You hear that? That's some... That's an extra little volume."

Joe Rogan 50:02 Oh. Oh, when we do-

Bert Kreischer 50:03 There's a, there's an extra hit-

Joe Rogan 50:04 When... How-

Bert Kreischer 50:04 ... when you know you're burying one of your buddies. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:07 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 50:07 It's like, it's like-

Joe Rogan 50:07 Because I wasn't supposed to be there.

Bert Kreischer 50:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:09 It was a guest. I was a guest set. So when I went up, it was... They were extra excited 'cause they didn't know I was gonna be there.

Bert Kreischer 50:16 And I told him he could do as long as he wants. Oh, my God. So he's got a 30-minute shovel.

Joe Rogan 50:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 50:20 (laughs) I'm about to do an hour.

Joe Rogan 50:22 Dude.

Bert Kreischer 50:22 I'm like, "Oh, no."

Joe Rogan 50:23 You killed though, dude.

Bert Kreischer 50:24 Yeah, we had... Yeah, we did.

Joe Rogan 50:25 You fucking killed.

Bert Kreischer 50:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:25 You killed. You kill.

Bert Kreischer 50:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:26 You get... You'll find your pacing- You-

Bert Kreischer 50:27 ... after those, but it definitely reminds you how much better other guys are. Like, it really... Like, that Louis thing, when we started booking Fully Loaded, they were like, "Who do you want?" And I was like, "Obviously, Attell." I remember them... And it's the same thing. They're like, "Where are you gonna put him in the lineup?" And I was like-

Joe Rogan 50:41 It's a good point.

Bert Kreischer 50:41 ... "Oh, fuck." I was like, "Can we have an intermission?" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 50:45 And then so I was like, "Fuck it. Add as many comics as we can and we'll just go one chunk, intermission, another chunk," and just... And it's gonna be... It's gonna be hard because you got murderers top to bottom.

Joe Rogan 50:57 But that was the thing with Oddball, right? Because there was a lot of guys that didn't even like each other.

Bert Kreischer 51:01 Right.

Joe Rogan 51:01 And they were all touring together 'cause they had to be on this one show with, like, 20 comics on it, and they-

Bert Kreischer 51:05 It just didn't work because there was a bunch of different types of comics. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:10 They tried.

Bert Kreischer 51:11 A few times. I remember that more than anything.

Joe Rogan 51:17 What happened? Why'd they pull you?

Bert Kreischer 51:17 They, uh... I don't know. The, uh... I just got pulled. I was... I remember I was talking to Tom. This is right when we were doing the fat shaming thing. I get fired from Travel Channel, right? LeeAnn's redoing her house. I'm supposed to do Oddball. I clear out my schedule. No, note, "I'm just doing Oddball for the next four months, three months." I remember being on the phone with Tom and I was like, and I was like, "They, they pulled me." And he was like, "Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry. That's a lot of money." And I said, "Oh, it's not that much money." And he goes, "What?" I was like, "Yeah." I mean, I was, I was getting two grand a show and he was like, "Oh." I go, "You aren't getting two grand?" He goes, "Nope." (laughs) I go, "What are you getting?" He goes, "I'm afraid to tell you." (laughs) I was like, just, "Just tell me." I was like, "Is this gonna fuck up our friendship?" (laughs) I was like, I had to sit and think. I go, "Can I hear this? Can I hear?" 'Cause it may... And I'm like, "It'll be five grand. It'll be five grand, 10 grand tops." And he told me, and it was much, much more than that. And I was like, "Holy shit." And it put in perspective where I was in standup comedy, where I was-

Joe Rogan 52:15 Well, it's just 'cause you hadn't been doing it. You had been doing the Travel Channel.

Bert Kreischer 52:17 I'd been doing Travel Channel.

Joe Rogan 52:18 Yeah, but you rebounded nicely.

Bert Kreischer 52:22 Bounced back.

Joe Rogan 52:22 You figured it out.

Bert Kreischer 52:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:23 Fuck yeah, dude. You figured it out. I mean, I remember having those conversations with you, like, "You shouldn't be doing this." You know, it's, it's short-term money with no end. There's no, like, goal that you could reach where it's, it's worth it. It's like you're always gonna be working for somebody, you're always gonna be doing something other than standup comedy-

Bert Kreischer 52:40 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:40 ... and you're gonna be trapped. There's no way out of that.

Bert Kreischer 52:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:43 And, you know, fortunately, you, you had balls and you fucking went for it.

Bert Kreischer 52:48 Yeah. I was telling Tom yesterday, we were talking about just how, like, uh, how l- i- th- when... The, uh, the algorithm just doesn't make sense. When you're not succeeding in comedy, you're like, "How... What do I do? How do I get people to my shows?"

Joe Rogan 53:01 Right.

Bert Kreischer 53:01 I remember sitting back at the bar at the Improv with y- or at the store with you, and you were like, "You need to get a Netflix special." And I remember just going like, "How?" And you're like, "Be undeniable." And I was like, that was the only thing that made sense to me, was like, every time you step on stage, stone sober, be undeniable. Stone sober, murder top to bottom, no prisoners, be undeniable. And I remember going... I wrote that in my joke book, "Be undeniable everywhere." And then you get the one spec- you get this fucking Netflix special and you're... And I'm... And I was like... Uh, all... My, my mantra was, "Be undeniable. This will be the best thing you've ever done." I wa- I told the girls goodbye, I went on the road. Three months straight before that special, every fucking day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, no tour bus, flying from city to city, just doing that hour, running that hour, running that hour, rethinking the hour, listening to people. All I thought about was that fucking hour 'cause that mantra, "Be undeniable," was in my head.

Joe Rogan 53:59 That's my mantra for everything. Y- y- people can talk all kinds of crazy shit, but when you're undeniable, they can't say anything.

Bert Kreischer 54:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:06 You could... You could break through, you can do anything you want. If you get to a point, you get to a skill level, you get to, you know, a, a refinement of this creation that you put together, that is just rock star. People can not like it 'cause there's a lot of amazing shit that people don't like.

Bert Kreischer 54:22 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 54:22 They just diff- have different tastes. But as to whether or not you're competent, whether or not you're doing well, you just have to be undeniable. And as a comic, comic is a... Uh, being a comic is one of the rare legitimate meritocracies. Like, if you fucking kill, people wanna see you and they wanna come back and see you again and you make them feel good. And as long as you're not an asshole, like to other comics or to booking agents where they don't wanna use you, like, "Fuck that guy. I don't care if he's funny," that can trip up careers. And it's tripped up a lot of people's careers. But other than that, if you're funny, you fucking make it.

Bert Kreischer 54:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:55 You, you just keep going and it finds a way. Everything works itself out if you're, if you're funny.

Bert Kreischer 55:02 Yeah. It's, uh... It's kind of a cool business to be a part of because...... it's, it's almost like panning for gold, I think.

Joe Rogan 55:09 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 55:09 'Cause all I do is think about jokes.

Joe Rogan 55:11 Right.

Bert Kreischer 55:11 That's all I do. A- all I do, ever, is think about jokes.

Joe Rogan 55:13 Ideas, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:14 And ideas are so much-

Joe Rogan 55:15 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:15 ... fucking fun.

Joe Rogan 55:17 They are like panning for gold, right?

Bert Kreischer 55:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:19 Neil Brennan said that he thinks of ideas as like, uh, fish that he catches in his net, and the net is the joke book. So, if it's like, like is, is next to a river and there's a bunch of fish going by and he just catches 'em, he writes it in the notebook. The, the notebook is like a net.

Bert Kreischer 55:32 It's so fun to... Like, this is why I went up on stage drunk last night, 'cause it's fun when you, when you-

Joe Rogan 55:37 No, you were there drunk.

Bert Kreischer 55:38 I was, I-

Joe Rogan 55:39 You showed up drunk.

Bert Kreischer 55:40 I showed up very drunk.

Joe Rogan 55:41 Yeah, if you didn't have, like, a ... This wasn't, like, a decision.

Bert Kreischer 55:43 No, no. Well, I could've just said, "I don't wanna do it." But I-

Joe Rogan 55:45 Oh. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 55:46 I'm bored of my act. I was, I was with my parents. I was like, "I'm bored of my act, I'm bored of my act." Uh, and I was like, "I need to go up drunk and, and try and fuck it up a little bit."

Joe Rogan 55:55 Oh, right.

Bert Kreischer 55:55 'Cause if you fu- if you fuck up your act, you're forced to think in the moment.

Joe Rogan 55:58 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 55:58 And then re- and then, and that is how you can f- fucking f- find solves for stories.

Joe Rogan 56:03 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 56:03 And so I have one story that doesn't have a good ending, and I need to find the ending. And I was like, and I was like, "I find it in there somewhere." And, and, uh, I didn't.

Joe Rogan 56:12 Yeah, but that's the thing, man. Just, like, keep putting yourself in that spot and you'll find it.

Bert Kreischer 56:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:16 You'll figure it out. There's many times where there's a new thing that's happening, and I'll just talk about it. I'll just go on stage. And you, d- as long as I know I have material before and material afterwards and I can dig myself out, I'll just go, "Let's see what we got into here." You never know, 'cause you're in that weird performing mindset, and you can't recreate that. You can't recreate the feeling of all these people watching you and you being back up against the wall, pressure, and you're thinking on the fly.

Bert Kreischer 56:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:42 Hard to do.

Bert Kreischer 56:42 It's so great, though, when you get the thing, when you get the, when you f- stumble on it. I don't-

Joe Rogan 56:48 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 56:48 What do you think is better, okay? So, you figure it out on stage that first time, and you know the next time it's gonna murder. You don't do it that first time. You figure it out, and you go, "Ah, fuck," as you get off stage. You go, "I figured it out. I'm gonna do it." Is that the better feeling? Or is it the next time when you do it for the first time and it works?

Joe Rogan 57:05 (smacks lips) I think the first time a bit kills.

Bert Kreischer 57:09 Oh.

Joe Rogan 57:09 Like when it's a brand new bit. Like there's been times that I've, I've had an idea in the day. And I sit down and I write it out, and then I maybe write it on a piece of paper, and I've gone on stage and it murders. And it is the wildest feeling. It's like, it's so much better than any ... I have bits that I gue- I know I'm gonna hit 'em, and it's gonna be boom, I know where the punchlines are.

Bert Kreischer 57:29 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 57:30 But then, there's stuff like that, that it's just like, it's like a gift from the universe. It didn't exist before, and now you have it, and now you go up and do it. The first time you ever kill with a joke is the greatest feeling in comedy.

Bert Kreischer 57:41 I, oh, oh ...

Joe Rogan 57:43 It's 'cause you're laughing at it. You're, you're, you know, it's funny to you. It's like you're just hearing it, you know? You're hearing it out loud for the first time, really.

Bert Kreischer 57:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:54 'Cause like when you come up with an idea, it's in your head and you're like, "Oh, how do I phrase it?" And then you write it out, and, or maybe you, you know, you say it to somebody and just go, "Tell me what you think about this." But when you go on stage with it and it murders for the first time, that's the first time the audience is hearing it. It's the first time you're really performing it. And you'll think it's funny. So it has, like, this extra crackle, 'cause they know you're laughing too. Like l- there's nothing worse than the fake laugh.

Bert Kreischer 58:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:19 The fake laugh is horrible.

Bert Kreischer 58:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:21 The f- the bad fake laugh-

Bert Kreischer 58:22 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 58:22 ... in a comic's stage, like (laughs) -

Tony Hinchcliffe 58:24 The worst.

Bert Kreischer 58:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:25 And they do it every time they do the bit, like we notice. There's times when you're saying something and you're just feeling it and you're having fun and you just laugh.

Bert Kreischer 58:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:33 You, but it's a, it's a real laugh. But that, if you're fake laughing with every other bit, like ugh. That might work if you're in row 10.

Bert Kreischer 58:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:43 You know what I mean? It might work if you're in row 30 at a comedy club. It's not gonna work in the front row.

Tony Hinchcliffe 58:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:48 The front row people are gonna be like, "Look at this fake laugh."

Tony Hinchcliffe 58:51 Right.

Joe Rogan 58:51 "How weird is this?"

Tony Hinchcliffe 58:51 God help you if they see you twice. (inhales deeply) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:55 If you fake laugh twice in the same spot.

Tony Hinchcliffe 58:57 Right.

Joe Rogan 58:57 Like, you can't, I can't, I can't. If you do one of those.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:01 I, I, I can't.

Bert Kreischer 59:03 Let me get through this.

Joe Rogan 59:04 Oh, I can't. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:06 I'm cracking myself up so much right now.

Joe Rogan 59:09 'Cause there's some people that are like really bad with the fake laugh. Like it would make some comics angry.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:14 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:14 They'd go, "Oh, the fucking fake laugh," and they'd walk out of the room.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:16 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 59:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:19 (laughs) Ugh. Oh, have you ever done a table read and they do the fake laugh?

Bert Kreischer 59:24 Uh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:25 The worst. Or a run through, and all the writers laugh really loud at the bits that they wrote. (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:32 Like, they're trying to, like, give you support so they're, they're laughing along with it, like, in a supportive, weird way.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:37 You can tell who writes the joke based on who's laughing.

Joe Rogan 59:41 Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:41 In the room.

Joe Rogan 59:42 100%.

Tony Hinchcliffe 59:43 Without a doubt. And it's one of the things, like, that made me hate writer's rooms, made me wanna get outta there. I'm like, "Oh, this part sucks." Like, the coming up with jokes and making each other genuinely laugh in the moment, like something breaks on the news and you guys are just up, up, up, up and cracking up. That part's amazing. But yeah, once you do the first read in front of the execs back then, like, it's just a nightmare.

Joe Rogan 1:00:08 Is it-

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:08 It's like, "Oh, this is all fake, this is all nothing."

Joe Rogan 1:00:10 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:10 Like a bad joke is- has the same value as a brilliant joke now-

Joe Rogan 1:00:15 Right.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:15 ... if everybody's laughing the same.

Joe Rogan 1:00:16 Right, you'll never know what's the good spot-

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 1:00:18 ... what the good stuff is.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:19 Yep.

Joe Rogan 1:00:20 Isn't it weird that we are, that laughter's so contagious that they use fake laughter on television shows to let you know where you should laugh?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:31 How weird is that?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:32 Have you seen the ones where they pull the laughter out?

Joe Rogan 1:00:34 Oh, like of the Big Bang Theory?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:36 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:00:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:36 It's amazing.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:37 And they pull the laughter out, and then it's just awkward as-

Joe Rogan 1:00:39 It's madness.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:40 It's madness. It's like, what is, what kind of art form is this? This is so strange. This is like you're showing me there's some weird, deluded world that doesn't exist, where people have like, z- they're, they're like three-quarter people, they're not like 100% people. They, they're, they're missing a lot of their emotions and the weird... Like everything's flat, flat and strange. And everybody talks in like these, "I'll say something, then you say something. Then I'll say something, then you say something." No one talks over anybody, there's no stumbling of words.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:14 It's so weird.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:16 (laughs)

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:01:17 Andy Kaufman had beef with it all the way back then.

Joe Rogan 1:01:20 Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:01:20 I remember him saying like, "That's the laughter of dead people." And to think that it stayed one of the main sources of comedy entertainment for so long after that.

Joe Rogan 1:01:30 Well, it kinda still is around, right? Ms. Pat does it with a live audience. She's probably the only one doing it well right now. Ms. Pat's show is awesome. It's a very good show. It's awesome. It's a very good show. I was, uh, like, legitimately impressed. 'Cause you know, when your friend does a show, you're like, "I hope it's good." Yeah. I watch her show, and she wanted to come on with the executive producer who's a really young guy. Uh, yeah. And a really smart guy. He knows a lot of shit about, like, old Hollywood and movies. But, um, when I watched her show, I'm like, "This is a good fucking show." Like, this... It's... You know, it's good that it's on a streaming platform too, 'cause it'll show that it grows there, and it'll get a chance to take legs, but that could be anywhere. And as a matter of fact, I think it might be somewhere else. I think it might be going to Netflix. No, it's on Parama- it's on Paramount Plus. Is that what it is? So, whoever owns BET, which I think is Paramount Plus, is... Now, it's all on Paramount Plus. Oh, that's what it is. Okay, cool. Yeah. (clears throat) But, you know, that... The world of those shows is a odd world, man. There's y- so many egos, and so many ideas have to, like, come together in a perfect convergence to make a show, and then everybody wants to take credit for it. It's like it's- Ugh. It's all so weird, man. And then you have the weirdness of the actors. Like, they wanna be billed on the, on the like... When they read the credits, th- that's important, like what number you are. I remember I was over at Kallen's house once, and, uh, he had this actress lady that he was, uh, um, eh, having relations with. And, uh, she made a, a snide comment about someone being, like, the fourth name on a sitcom, like the fourth... You know, like, the... How... I don't know what the term is.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:03:09 The fourth lead.

Joe Rogan 1:03:10 Is that what it is? The fourth lead?

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:03:11 I think so.

Joe Rogan 1:03:11 Is that what they say?

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:03:12 I think that's how they describe the order.

Joe Rogan 1:03:14 Whatever it was when they were reading off... Like, that was her insult about this person, that, "Pfft, please, he's the fourth lead on some sitcom." Like, they don't even read his name first. They read his name fourth. I'm like, "That's an insult." Like, she's an out-of-work actress. Yeah. She's not working. She's probably working as a waitress. But her insult was that there was this person, and they don't read his name quick enough when they read the names out for the stories. So, there's this whole weird social hierarchy to the show. It wasn't like everybody's name, "On the show, Tony Hinchcliffe, Bert Kreischer, Joe Rogan, all together, one, one picture." Yeah. No, it's like, "Bert Kreischer," da da da-da, da da da da da da da, "Tony Hinchcliffe." Like, and if you got fourth, it's like nobody gives a fuck about you. (laughs) They could write you out. Yeah. You could die in a car accident. Th- you're not necessary for this show. Actors are... Uh, actors are, are crazy.

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:04:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:09 I mean, just... And not all- not- Not Amber Heard. (clears throat)

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:04:11 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:04:12 Oh. She's fine. She's, she is the ultimate crazy lady. That's like an interview with Bigfoot. Like, "Look, we got one." Like, "We got one. There it is. There it is. This is what we've been telling you about." Mm-hmm. "This is a real one."

Tony Hinchcliffe 1:04:24 I mean, imagine what it has to be like. To only do that? The imposter syndrome has to be completely overwhelming. You didn't write anything. You... No one... Uh, you... Someone else told you how to do that. They bent your motion. "Look this way, chin up. Let's do it again. Do it slower. Take a pause between this." Nothing is under your control.

Joe Rogan 1:04:46 But I, but I don't, I don't think they get that. I don't think they get imposter syndrome. Well, imposter syndrome is the opposite way. Im- imposter syndrome is like, you become like super famous and super wealthy, and like, you're, like you're a football player, and you don't believe it's real. You're like, "They're gonna find me out." Like, "This doesn't feel real." Like, that, that happens to a lot... I've had this happen to me. It happens to a lot of people. Yeah. They get, they get successful, and they, they go, "I, I'm a fraud. This is fake." Even though people love you, they'll, they'll... You go out and kill, and you're like, "I feel like an imposter," because it's so strange. It's a new identity, and that new identity is very difficult for you to, to relate to, 'cause it's not most of your life. Most of your life is Tony Hinchcliffe, regular guy from Columbus, Ohio. And all of a sudden, it's Tony Hinchcliffe, you know, successful comic, and you're touring, and you're killing everywhere. And you go on stage, and they're cheering. Like, you feel like an imposter. That's imposter syndrome. What they are is just crazy. (laughs) They, they are good at pretending to be a thing. And some of them are cool as fuck. There's a lot of very cool actors, very cool actors. Johnny Depp's very cool. But some of them are just complete insane people that know how to manipulate and play this game, and they get deeply embedded into the Hollywood system. They become friends with casting agents and producers and executives. They go to the right parties. They say the right things. They shake the right hands. (sighs) They look good. They're attractive and charismatic like her, and next thing you know, they're famous. But they're legitimate sociopaths, like legitimately insane people, and there's not just one of those out there. There's a fucking ecosystem of them. There's a shit ton of them. We know some of them that are comics. Yeah. There's a bunch of them, and they're psychopaths. And they, you know, they're out there acting like normal people. They're like vampires, just like living amongst regular people but just pretending and making their way through, but they're not. They're, they're crazy people. They steal ideas. They're, they backstab people. They lie about being beaten up, you know, like this one. Yeah. That's, this is, that's, that is also what happens in show business, because the kind of person that wants an exorbitant amount of attention oftentimes has an exorbitant amount of damage in their life. So then I, I, I, I wanted to be like those people so bad when I got to Hollywood, like be someone who knew a casting director's name. Mm. Or like, or like knew anyone or went to the parties. I wanted to be like that so bad, and I just... I couldn't help but be me, and who I am is not very conducive to those moments. Well, you know, back then, they didn't know that you being you was an actual business model. (laughs) You know what I'm saying?

Bert Kreischer 1:07:18 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:18 Like, back then, they would go, "You can't be that. You know, you're gonna have to clean up your act because we gotta present you as something that you're not to make you more marketable."

Bert Kreischer 1:07:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:25 They didn't, they didn't have a YouTube. They didn't have a podcast. They didn't have a venue, an avenue where you could do a special. You know, back then, if you got a special, man... How many people got an HBO special?

Narrator 1:07:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:37 It's like, fucking Eddie Murphy got one-

Bert Kreischer 1:07:38 That's right.

Joe Rogan 1:07:38 ... Richard Pryor, G- G- George Carlin, a few, Kenison. Few people got them. But it wasn't like every week you have a new Netflix special. Like, there's so many new Netflix specials.

Bert Kreischer 1:07:48 I took a shit at a casting director's house one time.

Joe Rogan 1:07:51 You took a shit there?

Bert Kreischer 1:07:52 Well, I had to take a shit and-

Joe Rogan 1:07:53 I get it.

Bert Kreischer 1:07:53 ... and I took a shit. And fucking someone was like, they told her and, and she was like, "You shit at my house?" And I was like, "Well, yeah. You have a toilet. What, what do you use it for?" Like, I didn't... It was a party.

Joe Rogan 1:08:04 She was upset that you shit at her house?

Bert Kreischer 1:08:05 (laughs) She was upset that I shit at her house. I was