Joe Rogan Experience #1821 - Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. THTony Hinchcliffe0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. NANarrator0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience. (rock music plays)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. So what, so explain. So bogey, what's the best? Is like, what's a pro-level golfer?

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:17

      Scratch.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      Scratch.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:18

      The scratch is if, if you're, you're pouring-

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      So Santino's, like, pro level?

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:21

      I would... No, so a pro is different. So he's not playing from the tips.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:24

      Oh by the way, cheers, gentlemen.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:25

       Cheers.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:25

       Cheers.

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:26

       Cheers. Cheers, gentlemen. I miss you guys.

   13. THTony Hinchcliffe0:28

       Hell yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       (glasses clink) So we should talk about how this podcast came about. Not me and Bert. Bert and I got stem cells today at, uh, Waste Well.

   15. BKBert Kreischer0:35

       (clears throat)

   16. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Shout out to Brigham. And then, uh, we got something to eat, uh, got some barbecue. And we were driving, and I see this yellow Corvette, and I go, "Is that the great and powerful Tony Hinchcliffe?"

   17. THTony Hinchcliffe0:46

       It's me at a red light.

   18. JRJoe Rogan0:47

       And I go, "What are you doing?" He goes like, "Nothing, chilling."

   19. THTony Hinchcliffe0:50

       (laughs)

   20. JRJoe Rogan0:50

       I go, "Come do a podcast with us." And so we're here.

   21. BKBert Kreischer0:52

       I saw the car, and I was like, "God damn it, that's the car LeeAnn wanted." It's a fucking badass car.

   22. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       Yeah, they're, they're dope.

   23. BKBert Kreischer0:57

       You guys are cool with cars, man. I wish I had better taste in cars.

   24. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00

       Move here, you will. It happens naturally.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:03

       But what's, what's wrong with your taste in cars?

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:05

       I am an old man. I like, uh, I, I like to... A sedan, a big-bodied sedan.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       Sedans are nice.

   28. BKBert Kreischer1:12

       With a nice cool, dark interior.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:15

       Ooh. Yeah.

   30. BKBert Kreischer1:15

       Yeah, like a, like a chocolate interior.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   It is true. I…

   1. NANarrator15:00

      you. That statement isn't true today, as you sit here today, is it?

   2. NANarrator15:06

      It is true. I pledged the entirety-

   3. NANarrator15:08

      But you didn't donate it.

   4. BKBert Kreischer15:09

      Oh, I wish I had Amber He- Heard's brain.

   5. NANarrator15:11

      Unfortunately-

   6. NANarrator15:12

      You didn't donate it. It's a yes or no.

   7. NANarrator15:13

      I haven't been able to obliga- I mean, to fulfill those obligations.

   8. NANarrator15:16

      So, that's a no, right, Ms. Heard?

   9. NANarrator15:18

      I am, I made the pledge. I wanna be very clear. I pledged the entirety. I haven't been able to fulfill those pledges because I've been sued.

   10. NANarrator15:25

       You had all of the $7 million for 13 months before Mr. Depp sued you, and you chose not to pay it to the charities-

   11. BKBert Kreischer15:33

       Geez.

   12. NANarrator15:33

       ... you pledged it to.

   13. NANarrator15:35

       I-

   14. NANarrator15:35

       Is that correct, Ms. Heard?

   15. NANarrator15:36

       I disagree with your characterization of that.

   16. NANarrator15:41

       Let's look at your sworn testimony from the UK.

   17. BKBert Kreischer15:45

       (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:45

       Dude. His face when she said that was pretty funny.

   19. BKBert Kreischer15:48

       What, what, the, the lawyer where he's shaking his head?

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       Yeah, he was, like, lost.

   21. BKBert Kreischer15:51

       When he hands her the note, and he's like, "Uh, you might wanna put this in there."

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:54

       Yeah. Well, he, he was letting her know that she had that money for 13 months. Okay. I need one of these lawyers when I fight with my wife. (laughs)

   23. BKBert Kreischer16:01

       (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan16:01

       I get tripped up so easily. I think we get it.

   25. BKBert Kreischer16:04

       All right.

   26. JRJoe Rogan16:04

       I think we're good.

   27. BKBert Kreischer16:04

       Like, uh, like, here's the problem, is that... Here's the problem-

   28. JRJoe Rogan16:10

       Well, you're drunk. You get tripped up.

   29. BKBert Kreischer16:12

       Oh, well, um, yeah. And when I'm not drunk, I get tripped up.

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:14

       (laughs)
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Yes. Yes. …

   1. BKBert Kreischer30:00

      "Put your hands together for, uh, Gabriel Iglesias"?

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:04

      Yes. Yes.

   3. BKBert Kreischer30:04

      Like, they'll, they'll put a spin on it.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:05

      Yeah.

   5. BKBert Kreischer30:05

      I wanna start doing that for me. "Put your ... " Bert Kreicher!

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:10

      (laughs)

   7. BKBert Kreischer30:10

      Kreicher! Kreicher!

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      I like it. I like it. There's a lot of shit that's whitewashed about history that you find out later. And you're like, "How am I just learning now that Columbus was a cunt?" Like, Columbus was a horrible person.

   9. GAGuest (uncertain which, brief aside)30:22

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:23

       And, uh, like, a literal serial killer. Like, they came to the Bahamas. They saw the, the natives that were living there. They'd chop people's arms off if they didn't give them enough gold. They, they bashed babies' brains out on the rocks in front of their mothers. They did horrible shit.

   11. BKBert Kreischer30:39

       Yeah, shit's gotten so much better since then.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:42

       Oh, yeah.

   13. BKBert Kreischer30:43

       Like, when you think about ... I, the idea of being enslaved-... is insane to me. And when I'm saying that, I'm not just talking about... I'm talking about what the Portuguese did down the coast of Africa. Like, there was this book called, uh, something about Portuguese people. And, uh, I listened to it on tape. And they would have, they would come down the coast of Africa, and to trade, and they'd ha- say, "Tell the king to send out his daughter. We want her." And then they'd be like... And he'd be like, "I'm not sending out my daughter." They're like, "Tell the king to come out here." And then they would shit in his throat and shove pork down his throat in the shit, and then go back and go, "Now send your daughter." He'd be like, "Hey, I gotta go with these people." (snorts) The, the-

   14. JRJoe Rogan31:23

       Oh, God.

   15. BKBert Kreischer31:25

       I wish I knew the name of that book.

   16. NANarrator31:26

       What's the point of putting the pork in?

   17. BKBert Kreischer31:27

       The Conquerors! That's it!

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:29

       The Conquerors, Roger Crowley. And the, the, it talks in there about them shoving shit down his throat?

   19. BKBert Kreischer31:35

       Shit down a, a, a Muslim king's throat-

   20. NANarrator31:38

       Oh.

   21. BKBert Kreischer31:38

       ... and then pork, pork on top of the shit 'cause you're not allowed to eat pork if you're Muslim.

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:41

       It's kind of crazy that there's so many countries that, to this day, speak Portuguese because of the slave trade. Like, in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. It's not Portugal, it's South America, but they speak Portuguese.

   23. BKBert Kreischer31:54

       And that's because of the slave trade?

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:56

       It has to be. It has to be.

   25. BKBert Kreischer31:58

       Portugue- Portugal used to be one of the titans.

   26. JRJoe Rogan32:01

       Yeah.

   27. BKBert Kreischer32:01

       Like, that was like... I mean, think about it. They got the best property in all of Europe.

   28. NANarrator32:05

       Hmm.

   29. BKBert Kreischer32:05

       They're right on that coast. Spain doesn't have that.

   30. NANarrator32:08

       Hmm.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   The Cellar was like…

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      free cheeseburger. And they made a... They made a great cheeseburger at Dangerfield's, so I would... I would take gigs just so that would be my dinner. I would knew, knew that I had food.

   2. BKBert Kreischer45:07

      The Cellar was like that for a lot of people.

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:09

      Oh, yeah?

   4. BKBert Kreischer45:10

      Oh, yeah, because the Cellar was-

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:10

      That's a nice thing. That's a nice thing if you had that. The problem is, like, serving food at a comedy club sucks. Then the people are eating, "Mm, mm, mm," looking up. They're not paying attention to the show. They should be watching the show. When you're serving food, it's like... I mean, it's convenient if you wanna just eat something, but really it should be like two separate things. There's a restaurant next door, you eat at the restaurant, then you go in and watch the show and you don't eat food in front of you. You know, but... Yeah, I was broke as fuck, man.

   6. BKBert Kreischer45:34

      How do you gonna... How are you gonna give that to your kids?

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:37

      (sighs) Oh, God.

   8. BKBert Kreischer45:37

      You ever think about that?

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:38

      You can't. They have a different life. Their life is, uh, the life of somebody who went through that. There's no way you could change that unless you wanna, like, subject your kids to abject poverty and, like, abandon them somewhere and make them... Treat them like shit. It's like-

   10. THTony Hinchcliffe45:49

       They should have like an escape room for that for rich people. Drop your kids off for two weeks, they just scare the shit out of them.

   11. BKBert Kreischer45:55

       (laughs)

   12. THTony Hinchcliffe45:55

       Like, "What is this?"

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       Scared straight.

   14. THTony Hinchcliffe45:56

       They're just eating stuff out of a poor person's refrigerator.

   15. BKBert Kreischer46:00

       Oh.

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:00

       Kids...

   17. THTony Hinchcliffe46:01

       This is... Uh, welcome, kids. This is American cheese.

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:04

       Right.

   19. THTony Hinchcliffe46:04

       That's it.

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:04

       No, this is government cheese.

   21. BKBert Kreischer46:06

       American cheese. American cheese is fucking awesome.

   22. THTony Hinchcliffe46:07

       Oh, I agree.

   23. BKBert Kreischer46:08

       (laughs)

   24. THTony Hinchcliffe46:08

       I mean...

   25. JRJoe Rogan46:09

       Government cheese is crazy. Like, they would just... If you're, you're poor and you don't have any food, they just give you a block of cheese. That is terrible cheese.

   26. BKBert Kreischer46:16

       Really?

   27. JRJoe Rogan46:17

       Yeah. You ever have government cheese?

   28. THTony Hinchcliffe46:18

       I never had the government cheese. I always thought that was just a figure of speech. I-

   29. BKBert Kreischer46:21

       (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:22

       No, it's real. I don't know-
5. 1:00:00 – 1:08:12

   Is it- …

   1. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:00

      That part's amazing. But yeah, once you do the first read in front of the execs back then, like, it's just a nightmare.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:08

      Is it-

   3. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:08

      It's like, "Oh, this is all fake, this is all nothing."

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:10

      Yeah.

   5. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:10

      Like a bad joke is- has the same value as a brilliant joke now-

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:15

      Right.

   7. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:15

      ... if everybody's laughing the same.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:16

      Right, you'll never know what's the good spot-

   9. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:18

      Right.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:18

       ... what the good stuff is.

   11. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:19

       Yep.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:20

       Isn't it weird that we are, that laughter's so contagious that they use fake laughter on television shows to let you know where you should laugh?

   13. BKBert Kreischer1:00:30

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:31

       How weird is that?

   15. BKBert Kreischer1:00:32

       Have you seen the ones where they pull the laughter out?

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:34

       Oh, like of the Big Bang Theory?

   17. BKBert Kreischer1:00:36

       Yeah.

   18. THTony Hinchcliffe1:00:36

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

       It's amazing.

   20. BKBert Kreischer1:00:37

       And they pull the laughter out, and then it's just awkward as-

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:00:39

       It's madness.

   22. BKBert Kreischer1:00:40

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

       It's madness. It's like, what is, what kind of art form is this? This is so strange. This is like you're showing me there's some weird, deluded world that doesn't exist, where people have like, z- they're, they're like three-quarter people, they're not like 100% people. They, they're, they're missing a lot of their emotions and the weird... Like everything's flat, flat and strange. And everybody talks in like these, "I'll say something, then you say something. Then I'll say something, then you say something." No one talks over anybody, there's no stumbling of words.

   24. BKBert Kreischer1:01:14

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:01:14

       It's so weird.

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:01:16

       (laughs)

   27. THTony Hinchcliffe1:01:17

       Andy Kaufman had beef with it all the way back then.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:20

       Yeah.

   29. THTony Hinchcliffe1:01:20

       I remember him saying like, "That's the laughter of dead people." And to think that it stayed one of the main sources of comedy entertainment for so long after that.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:30

       Well, it kinda still is around, right? Ms. Pat does it with a live audience. She's probably the only one doing it well right now. Ms. Pat's show is awesome. It's a very good show. It's awesome. It's a very good show. I was, uh, like, legitimately impressed. 'Cause you know, when your friend does a show, you're like, "I hope it's good." Yeah. I watch her show, and she wanted to come on with the executive producer who's a really young guy. Uh, yeah. And a really smart guy. He knows a lot of shit about, like, old Hollywood and movies. But, um, when I watched her show, I'm like, "This is a good fucking show." Like, this... It's... You know, it's good that it's on a streaming platform too, 'cause it'll show that it grows there, and it'll get a chance to take legs, but that could be anywhere. And as a matter of fact, I think it might be somewhere else. I think it might be going to Netflix. No, it's on Parama- it's on Paramount Plus. Is that what it is? So, whoever owns BET, which I think is Paramount Plus, is... Now, it's all on Paramount Plus. Oh, that's what it is. Okay, cool. Yeah. (clears throat) But, you know, that... The world of those shows is a odd world, man. There's y- so many egos, and so many ideas have to, like, come together in a perfect convergence to make a show, and then everybody wants to take credit for it. It's like it's- Ugh. It's all so weird, man. And then you have the weirdness of the actors. Like, they wanna be billed on the, on the like... When they read the credits, th- that's important, like what number you are. I remember I was over at Kallen's house once, and, uh, he had this actress lady that he was, uh, um, eh, having relations with. And, uh, she made a, a snide comment about someone being, like, the fourth name on a sitcom, like the fourth... You know, like, the... How... I don't know what the term is.

Episode duration: 3:35:43