Joe Rogan Experience #1844 - Tom Segura

Narrator 0:00 (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out.

0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience.

Joe Rogan 0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music) Tom, you're a fucking author.

Tom Segura 0:13 I'm an author.

Joe Rogan 0:13 Not only are you an author, but you're a New York Times bestselling author.

Tom Segura 0:17 Pretty crazy, man. Pretty crazy.

Joe Rogan 0:19 That's pretty crazy.

Tom Segura 0:19 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:20 That's pretty crazy.

Tom Segura 0:21 I know. I really didn't think that would happen, to be honest.

Joe Rogan 0:23 It's wild.

Tom Segura 0:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:24 You had a wild following though, pal.

Tom Segura 0:25 I know. It's just, um... I remember there, you know... That's the whole thing. They... Once you s- once you have, like, everything in, they start talking about the sales, obviously. Like, first is the work of writing the book.

Joe Rogan 0:35 Right.

Tom Segura 0:36 Which is its own thing, and everybody's like, "Don't do it." At least comics are. They're like, "Don't fucking do it." You know? 'Cause-

Joe Rogan 0:42 Everybody I know that's done it said exactly what you said, "It's a grind."

Tom Segura 0:45 Yeah, yeah. It is. It, it... What it is, too, is that for somebody that's out of school work for so long, it's the, it's the thing that feels like going back to school the most.

Narrator 0:55 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 0:55 'Cause you, you, you have deadlines. And we, we don't, we don't write dead- you don't have deadlines in standup, you know?

Narrator 1:00 Oof.

Tom Segura 1:00 It's like... And you send it and you get notes back, and they're like... There's blood all over the pages, right? Like, you got-

Narrator 1:07 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:07 You're like... And they're like, "This doesn't even make... How do you connect these two?" And you're like, "I don't, I don't know." And they're like, "Well, that's what you have to do now. You're writing it." And you're like, "Fuck! Okay." So it's just, like, it feels like you're back to work, you know? You're back to doing work again.

Joe Rogan 1:19 How's your typing?

Tom Segura 1:21 Um, it i- th- it was rough with the arm, with the hand, right?

Joe Rogan 1:24 Oh, that's right.

Tom Segura 1:25 So, I actually... I started writing this book... I, I got the deal for it in, at, when the pandemic was, like, just had t- when they, when it was clear everything was shut down. So everything started in March, and then it was like April, May. I feel like in that window is when I got the deal to do this, and I was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna do any touring." Like, they were like... Remember? Touring is, like, done. So I'll write a book. I sent in, like... I don't know. I sent in 10,000 words, um, and then a little while later, I sent in 20,000 more, and I remember (laughs) that I, I gave it to the publisher, and she took her time with it. You know? Like, to do the, to do her notes. I mean, it's, it's, you know... I don't know how many pages that is, but it's like... Let's say it's like 100 pages or something, so it took a while. So I'm just, like, waiting to get notes back, and then when they come back, it's, like, right before I get injured. So I think I... I'm then in the hospital, and I have an arm that doesn't work for a while, and they go, "How's the, uh, how's the notes coming?" I'm like, "I'm not doing them. I, I can't write right now." (laughs) Like, 'cause I was-

Joe Rogan 2:31 Yeah.

Tom Segura 2:32 ... up in... And when I finally did get to them, it took a while. Like, some, some chapters you get notes on, say things like, you know, "Just add something here and there," and, uh, "This, this works great." You know? "Make this more clear." And you're like, "Oh, that's not bad at all." And you flip the page, and the next thing is like, just, "We don't know what the fuck this story is about," and it's just, like, lines all over the place. "Lose this, add this, add humor, add..." And you're like, "Oh, my god."

Joe Rogan 2:58 Add humor?

Tom Segura 2:58 Add humor, yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:00 Oh.

Tom Segura 3:00 That's definitely one, where they go, "This story is a good story, but it, you need to add humor to it." And you're like, "Er."

Joe Rogan 3:05 Why do you have to add humor to a story?

Tom Segura 3:06 'Cause you're a comedian.

Joe Rogan 3:07 Yeah, but you're also a podcaster.

Tom Segura 3:09 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:10 Right?

Tom Segura 3:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:11 Isn't that the best thing about podcasting?

Tom Segura 3:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:13 'Cause, like, you don't have to, like, hit a very specific note. You can kinda talk about anything. Serious, goofy. Sh-

Tom Segura 3:20 And y- you get comfortable. It's weird, because most comedians, you see it, are so uncomfortable with moments without laughter sometimes.

Joe Rogan 3:28 Marc Normand.

Tom Segura 3:29 And, and... Marc... Oh, really? Comedy.

Joe Rogan 3:31 (laughs)

Tom Segura 3:31 Uh...

Joe Rogan 3:31 He's not uncomfortable. He's just-

Tom Segura 3:32 But it... No.

Joe Rogan 3:33 He just can't help himself with the one-liners.

Tom Segura 3:34 Oh, yeah, yeah. He just zings. Uh-

Joe Rogan 3:36 He, it's kinda like he- he's got, like, a file in his head that just comes flying out.

Tom Segura 3:39 Yeah, it does. It comes flying out.

Joe Rogan 3:41 (laughs)

Tom Segura 3:41 Yeah, I just did his podcast with, uh, with Sam Morril. It's fun.

Joe Rogan 3:43 Oh, yeah?

Tom Segura 3:44 Yeah, very fun. Uh, We Might Be Drunk, it's a great podcast.

Joe Rogan 3:47 Yeah?

Tom Segura 3:48 Um, but, you know, you, you see comics who also, on stage... I mean, obviously, you wanna get laughs on stage, but there's comics who can't even take a beat, a moment.

Joe Rogan 3:57 Right. They get scared, yeah.

Tom Segura 3:58 They get real scared. Like, "There's not laughter right now." And then you see people who really are super comfortable-

Joe Rogan 4:04 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:05 ... setting up those moments.

Joe Rogan 4:06 Gillis is great with that.

Tom Segura 4:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:08 He's locked in.

Tom Segura 4:09 It's one of my favorite things to watch in standup, is I c- I really enjoy being taken on a ride.

Joe Rogan 4:15 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:16 You know? And that-

Joe Rogan 4:16 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:16 And that, and a comic who's really masterful at pauses-

Joe Rogan 4:22 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:22 ... and, and leading you somewhere, to, to then drop it on you. It's f- it's so fun.

Joe Rogan 4:27 It's a thing. You gotta know when to do it and know when not to do it.

Tom Segura 4:29 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:31 It's so interesting. It's like, jokes are kinda like songs. Like, some songs, there's slow parts, and some songs, they're all just fucking-

Tom Segura 4:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:41 ... hot for teacher.

Tom Segura 4:42 I mean, I have part of my hour right now that is slower building, like, in the middle of the show. And if I'm on a late show, and it's a r- chaotic crowd-

Joe Rogan 4:54 Mm.

Tom Segura 4:54 ... I'll, I'll... In my head, I'll be like, "Just skip that shit."

Joe Rogan 4:56 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:56 Because it's just-

Joe Rogan 4:57 (laughs) Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:57 You know? Because it takes... Uh, you have to pay attention to that.

Joe Rogan 5:01 Late shows.

Tom Segura 5:01 And you gotta know that on a crowd like that, it's time to, like, you know...

Joe Rogan 5:06 You gotta fire at them.

Tom Segura 5:06 You gotta fire at them, yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:07 Late show Friday.

Tom Segura 5:09 You have to.

Joe Rogan 5:09 People have been working all day. They got up at 7:00. They went to work. They probably went to the gym, they got something to eat, they started drinking, and then they come to the show. It's 10:30 when the show starts.

Tom Segura 5:19 Th- out of their minds, too, and they-

Joe Rogan 5:20 Out of their minds.

Tom Segura 5:21 And sometimes they think they're-

Joe Rogan 5:22 (screams)

Tom Segura 5:22 They think they're your bigge- they, they, they might be your biggest fan. They're like, "I'm here to have the, like, to see-

Joe Rogan 5:28 Right.

Tom Segura 5:28 ... my favorite person." And they're-

Joe Rogan 5:30 Yeah.

Tom Segura 5:30 ... just ruining the fucking show. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:31 There was a guy the other night at the Vulcan. Like, while I was on stage, everything's like, "Yeah, definitely."

Tom Segura 5:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:36 "Oh, no way."

Tom Segura 5:37 That's the worst. That's one of the worst.

Joe Rogan 5:38 "Don't do that." Like, oh, Jesus, bro. Shut... And everyone around him is like, "Shut the fuck up."

Tom Segura 5:43 Yeah. "You tell them, Joe."

Joe Rogan 5:44 (laughs)

Tom Segura 5:44 And you're like, "That's what I'm doing." Uh, do you know what I just had, had happen at the show that... I don't know. I mean, this is so crazy that this happened at a show. I'm in Baltimore and doing a great venue there, like, the Lyric. Um, and it's, it's probably 30 minutes into the show.... and somebody says something, you know, and it's a b- it's a theater. There's, I don't know, 2,500 or something people at the show, so... But somebody says something on the, on like a pause, right? So everybody hears it. Sometimes you, you navigate whether to deal with something or not in... The bigger the rooms get, you know, you ignore things. This person says it like, "Why is Bert fat?" Or something like that. Um, because he eats too much. I don't fucking know, right? But my response made other people go, "Oh, this is when we can..." Right?

Joe Rogan 6:36 Oh, no, I've had that happen. Yeah.

Tom Segura 6:37 Right. So they start going, they start saying other things like podcast jokes or, you know, "Bikes," and like s- shit from like other standup shows and I'm like, "Okay." And then at one point it ha- it happens, you know, like 10 people in a row. I go, "Do you guys... Do you wanna keep doing the show or do you want me to not do this?" And they're all like, "Yeah, do the show." And when I say that, another guy jumps in from the balcony with another comment, you know. Like, "Do you like Old Bay on your crab?" Or (laughs) you know, something like that. And I go, "I hope you die in a house fire." Or so- something like-

Joe Rogan 7:11 Right.

Tom Segura 7:11 ... aggressive and rude. And people laugh and I, you know, I just... And then I turn back and I do, I just continue with the show. But moments after that, you know when you can... You don't even hear something, you feel commotion.

Joe Rogan 7:25 Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 7:26 Where it's like an energy.

Joe Rogan 7:27 Yeah.

Tom Segura 7:28 You're like... So I'm, I'm up there and I'm moving on and I'm like, "What is that?" But I, I don't say it, I just... 'Cause I just got through dealing with chaos. But I feel it and I look up there and I'm just like, "Whatever." And it, it kinda dies down after a moment and I just keep doing the show. So when I get off stage, I see, uh, Dave Okin, uh, who, who you met, uh, my tour manager who was at the, the party, and he's like, "You're not gonna believe what happened." I go, "Where?" He goes, "Up in the balcony." I go, "Oh, yeah. I, I, I sensed that something was going on there." He goes, "A guy pulled his dick out and started pissing on people in the audience." And I'm like-

Joe Rogan 8:11 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:14 ... "What?" (laughs) What? And he goes-

Joe Rogan 8:17 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:17 He goes, "Yeah." But, you know, we... What we learn is that he was aiming for somebody, but sprayed-

Joe Rogan 8:24 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:24 ... a bunch of other people. And... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:29 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:29 And the reason we know this is that one of the people that got-

Joe Rogan 8:32 Ugh.

Tom Segura 8:32 ... some collateral damage is a friend of another guy I work with on the tour, Kier. So he's like, "Yeah, my friend was sitting in that section," and he goes, "I see this guy pull his dick out," right? And what we learn is that... Remember the guy that said the thing and I'm like, "I hope you die in a house fire."

Joe Rogan 8:49 Yeah.

Tom Segura 8:50 The guy behind him was like, "You don't fuck with Tom's show." Pulled-

Joe Rogan 8:55 So he's... (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:56 So he's, he's on my side.

Joe Rogan 8:58 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:58 He's like, "I got Tom's back."

Joe Rogan 8:59 (laughs)

Tom Segura 9:00 And starts to piss on him.

Joe Rogan 9:01 (laughs)

Tom Segura 9:02 And then ends up pissing on a bunch of people. And I go, "Wait, what did you do?" He goes, "Well, we all were like, 'Get this guy the fuck outta here.'"

Joe Rogan 9:10 Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Tom Segura 9:10 So then security comes over. That's the commotion was like, people were like trying to get security. They thought that the guy who got pissed on was the culprit, so they go to grab him and he's like, "I just got pissed on. Go get that guy." But it takes them a second to figure it out, and meanwhile he gets out and as he gets up to the upper balcony exit area, he runs and he sprints outside and they don't catch him.

Joe Rogan 9:32 Ugh.

Tom Segura 9:33 So...

Joe Rogan 9:33 The pisser got free.

Tom Segura 9:35 The pisser got free, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:36 (laughs) But he's on your side.

Tom Segura 9:38 He's on... He's my team, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:39 He probably just had to really pee bad and is like, "You know what?"

Tom Segura 9:41 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 9:41 "I got a fucking idea."

Tom Segura 9:42 I'll get the heckler, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:43 Yeah. "I'll just pee on the heckler 'cause I have to pee anyway." 'Cause if he's getting it everywhere, that's a heavy stream.

Tom Segura 9:49 That is a heavy stream, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:50 Right? He's just spraying.

Tom Segura 9:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:52 (laughs)

Tom Segura 9:52 I was at a, one of the Boston venues and they told me after the show, they were like... You know, sometimes they'll tell me, you know, "We had three ejections or 12." It's like, you know, they'll tell me that-

Joe Rogan 10:02 Yeah.

Tom Segura 10:02 ... after the show.

Joe Rogan 10:04 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:04 Like, "Yeah, we had to eject the guy from the upper balcony. He just, uh, s- like squatted forward and pissed on the floor-"

Joe Rogan 10:10 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:10 "... so he, he didn't wanna get up." (laughs) So they're like, they're just-

Joe Rogan 10:13 Just piss everywhere. (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:14 Everybody's like, "What is this?"

Joe Rogan 10:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:17 (laughs) And then everyone's like, "It's this guy who's pissing in the seats."

Joe Rogan 10:19 Jesus Christ.

Tom Segura 10:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:21 People are fucking animals.

Tom Segura 10:22 They're animals, yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:23 Oh my God, that's so crazy.

Tom Segura 10:24 One other venue-

Joe Rogan 10:25 Yeah.

Tom Segura 10:25 ... they said that a guy went... He left the aisle and then just went to the corner, like just pissed in the corner of the theater. And they're like, "What are you doing?"

Joe Rogan 10:32 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:33 He just didn't... He's like, "I don't wanna go out and miss the show."

Joe Rogan 10:35 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:37 So, so crazy.

Joe Rogan 10:38 Imagine someone doing that at your house.

Tom Segura 10:40 I know.

Joe Rogan 10:41 (coughs) People are out of their fucking minds. That's one thing I'm not looking forward to about owning a club.

Tom Segura 10:47 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:48 Just dealing with people just pissing in corners and stuff.

Tom Segura 10:50 Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's really a thing, right? I mean, (smacks lips) it can ruin the movie theater experience when you're like, "I don't wanna miss this right now." You know?

Joe Rogan 10:59 Ugh, it's...

Tom Segura 11:00 Yeah, you just kind of like-

Joe Rogan 11:01 Yeah.

Tom Segura 11:01 ... know.

Joe Rogan 11:01 That's the other thing I love about watching movies at home.

Tom Segura 11:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:04 Pause.

Tom Segura 11:04 Pause.

Joe Rogan 11:05 Go take a shit.

Tom Segura 11:05 Of course.

Joe Rogan 11:06 Come back. Perfect.

Tom Segura 11:08 Have you ever... I mean, I've done it before where I'm about to go on stage and I'm back... But not on this tour, but I'm about to go on stage and I'm backstage and I'm like, "Fuck, I gotta piss so bad," and I'll just grab, you know-

Joe Rogan 11:18 Yeah, a water bottle.

Tom Segura 11:19 ... a, yeah, or something.

Joe Rogan 11:20 Yeah, I've done that before.

Tom Segura 11:20 Like, "I have to do it." Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:21 Ari's done it in the studio 100 times.

Tom Segura 11:23 In the studio?

Joe Rogan 11:24 Yeah.

Tom Segura 11:24 Oh.

Joe Rogan 11:24 He pulls out his dick and sticks it in a kombucha bottle.

Tom Segura 11:26 He always likes pulling out his dick, though.

Joe Rogan 11:28 He loves pulling out his dick. He did it the other day. We had a podcast and he, he went... He left to go pee-

Tom Segura 11:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:33 ... but he didn't pee in a bathroom. He pissed in a whiskey bottle in the hallway and we got video footage of it 'cause we have cameras.

Tom Segura 11:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:42 We have security cameras. He's like, "Why are you filming me?" I go, "No, no, we're filming everything 'cause you have security cameras. The real question is, why are you pissing in my hallway?"

Tom Segura 11:52 He didn't see that? Like...

Joe Rogan 11:55 Look at him.

Tom Segura 11:57 Why couldn't he walk... The bathroom's 10 feet away.

Joe Rogan 11:59 'Cause he's Ari. It's part of his fun. Part of his fun is he's just completely inappropriate.

Tom Segura 12:05 The pull your dick out move is usually for-... having a real nice-looking dick, a big one-

Joe Rogan 12:12 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 12:12 ... or comically, if you have a very small one. It's like a-

Joe Rogan 12:15 Right.

Tom Segura 12:15 ... fun move too.

Joe Rogan 12:16 Like a Bobby Lee move.

Tom Segura 12:17 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:18 So, what has he got?

Tom Segura 12:19 I don't know. I mean, I don't remember the la- I haven't, I've seen it before but I don't really remember it. I've, I dare to say-

Joe Rogan 12:24 Hmm.

Tom Segura 12:24 ... it's not a memorable dick.

Joe Rogan 12:26 It's a regular dick.

Tom Segura 12:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:27 It's not a bad dick.

Tom Segura 12:28 No, it's not bad.

Joe Rogan 12:28 It's like a pretty good-sized dick.

Tom Segura 12:29 Yeah, it's nice.

Joe Rogan 12:30 Got giant balls.

Tom Segura 12:31 Big balls, that's right.

Joe Rogan 12:32 Yeah, they're crazy. They like hang low.

Tom Segura 12:34 That's really crazy, yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:35 Yeah. Joey Diaz has the most ridiculous ones.

Tom Segura 12:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:38 You seen Joey's balls?

Tom Segura 12:39 A number of times.

Joe Rogan 12:40 Grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose.

Tom Segura 12:42 Yeah, that's a good way to describe them. And I've, I've even requested them.

Joe Rogan 12:46 (laughs)

Tom Segura 12:46 (laughs) I did a, that, there, during the pandemic, there was a fundraiser for like the store or comedy workers or something, and we were all on this Zoom with people signing in, donating money to them, and we were like, "Hey, will you pull your balls out?" And he was like, "I don't know, I need consent," you know? So we were like-

Joe Rogan 13:05 (laughs) "I need consent."

Tom Segura 13:06 (laughs) Yeah, we were all asking-

Joe Rogan 13:07 Boy.

Tom Segura 13:07 ... "Is it okay?" And he went-

Joe Rogan 13:07 This is 2022, Joey.

Tom Segura 13:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:09 "I need consent."

Tom Segura 13:10 Yeah, so we all went, "Please?" Everybody said, "Yes, please." He's like, "All right." Then he stood up and pulled them out.

Joe Rogan 13:14 10 years ago-

Tom Segura 13:15 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:15 ... it would've been greasy.

Tom Segura 13:16 God.

Joe Rogan 13:16 Look, he's serious. (laughs)

Tom Segura 13:17 Dude, I know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:20 Donate now.

Tom Segura 13:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:21 What was that for?

Tom Segura 13:22 That wa- oh, wait, it was comedy store employees, I think.

Joe Rogan 13:25 Oh, after the pandemic when everything got shut down?

Tom Segura 13:27 That is cra- it looks like a bag of onions.

Joe Rogan 13:29 (laughs)

Tom Segura 13:29 Like somebody was like, "Go to the store and I'm gonna make this soup."

Joe Rogan 13:34 Yeah.

Tom Segura 13:34 "Get six onions."

Joe Rogan 13:35 Yeah, like garlic.

Tom Segura 13:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:37 Like, like big cloves of garlic.

Tom Segura 13:39 God. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:39 (laughs) It's crazy. How do your pals get that big? Just, uh, well, I mean, does he go to the doctor?

Tom Segura 13:46 No.

Joe Rogan 13:46 Who, who knows what's going on down there?

Tom Segura 13:48 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 13:49 I often wonder.

Tom Segura 13:52 Him and, I feel like him and Bert probably have the most like, "I don't wanna know the results."

Joe Rogan 13:57 Yeah.

Tom Segura 13:57 Mentality (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 13:58 For sure.

Tom Segura 13:58 You know? They're like, "Don't tell me."

Joe Rogan 14:00 Yeah. Bert got his blood work done. He's like, "Oh, thank God, my liver panel's good."

Tom Segura 14:03 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 14:04 I'm like, "How? How is it, how is it possible that it's good?"

Tom Segura 14:09 He got, he got a call, he said, from the cardiologist, and he was in a panic. And then she goes, "I don't know how you did it, but looks good. Go, go celebrate, like go have a good time." And he was like, "You just gave me orders to do that? Okay." And then he just-

Joe Rogan 14:27 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:29 I was like, "She doesn't really mean that. It just means congratulations."

Joe Rogan 14:31 We were talking about it today, like he is becoming The Machine.

Tom Segura 14:36 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:37 He's not Bert Kreischer anymore.

Tom Segura 14:38 No, no.

Joe Rogan 14:39 He's now The Machine.

Tom Segura 14:40 He's morphed, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:41 Yeah. It's like how Andrew Silverstein became Dice Clay.

Tom Segura 14:44 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:45 For people that don't know, The Dice Man was part of Dice's act, um, part of Andrew's act. Andrew had an act where he does great impressions. Dice has-

Tom Segura 14:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:56 ... fucking fantastic impressions. He used to do John Travolta and a bunch of other people.

Tom Segura 15:01 You can find them on YouTube. He-

Joe Rogan 15:02 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:02 He does really good impressions.

Joe Rogan 15:03 And then he had this character that he created called The Dice Man, and he would put on the leather jacket and, "Oh," and then it became his whole act. It became him.

Tom Segura 15:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 15:14 S- uh, Sam Kinnison, same thing. He became The Beast, you know? Like he even talked about it, how it kinda like ruined his life. Hunter Thompson talked about that, that he-

Tom Segura 15:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:24 ... he became Gonzo. He became this guy.

Tom Segura 15:26 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 15:27 You know? That, that h- he would, they didn't think of him as just a journalist anymore. He was like part of the show.

Tom Segura 15:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:34 And they always wanted him to be on acid and-

Tom Segura 15:36 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:37 ... drunk and, you know?

Tom Segura 15:39 Yeah. I see Bert having some of that, for sure. For sure.

Joe Rogan 15:41 Well, I mean, look at the massive success he's having doing it, which is part of the problem.

Tom Segura 15:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:46 You know?

Tom Segura 15:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:47 I mean, if you try to go on stage and not take your shirt off now, that's no longer an option, sir.

Tom Segura 15:52 No, yeah, it's not an option. It's part of the show.

Joe Rogan 15:54 That's part of the show.

Tom Segura 15:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:55 And you gotta tell The Machine story.

Tom Segura 15:56 Part of the show.

Joe Rogan 15:57 If you don't tell The Machine story-

Tom Segura 15:59 Yeah, it's like not f- for, I remember, um, early on, when he, when he started to like really move tickets, and I, I was like, "Do you have to, do you tell the..." He goes, "I have to tell The Machine story." I go, "You don't have to. You can do whatever you want." And he was like, "No, I kinda have to." And I go, "You don't." And then I went, I saw him at a show, and I was like, "Oh no, you have to."

Joe Rogan 16:23 (laughs)

Tom Segura 16:23 He's like... They, they really wanna hear it.

Joe Rogan 16:24 Yeah.

Tom Segura 16:25 Like, they really wanna hear it.

Joe Rogan 16:25 How long is that story?

Tom Segura 16:27 He can do different, um, length versions of it.

Joe Rogan 16:30 (laughs)

Tom Segura 16:30 So he can, he can do a, an abrid- like a, a shorter version where it's, if he has to rush through it, I think he can do it in 10 or something, but he can do it as long as 22 or 25.

Joe Rogan 16:43 We were talking about it yesterday on the podcast with Simpson. I convinced him to do that on stage.

Tom Segura 16:48 Uh, Bert?

Joe Rogan 16:49 Yeah, The Machine story.

Tom Segura 16:49 Oh yeah, he gives you full credit, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:51 He never wanted it, he was like, "That, I can't tell that on stage."

Tom Segura 16:53 Oh yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:54 I'm like, "The fuck? You can't."

Tom Segura 16:55 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 16:56 "You have to." But it's just crazy that this thing that he's most known for, that is literally his personality now-

Tom Segura 17:02 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 17:03 ... he didn't wanna tell on stage.

Tom Segura 17:04 It's hilarious, I know. You go-

Joe Rogan 17:06 Sometimes like your friend has to see it though.

Tom Segura 17:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:09 You know? Like I've had conversations with Tony about his act, you know, and I point something out and he's like, "Dude, you were right." I'm like, "I'm telling you, sometimes your friends notice something that you don't notice." It's just a-

Tom Segura 17:20 Tags?

Joe Rogan 17:20 Yeah.

Tom Segura 17:21 You know? Tags are crazy. I mean, the thing is, you get suggested bad tags, you know?

Joe Rogan 17:28 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 17:28 By people.

Joe Rogan 17:28 Oh.

Tom Segura 17:28 So, sometimes you get off stage-

Joe Rogan 17:31 Oh.

Tom Segura 17:31 ... and someone's like, "You should say this," and, you know, for the most part, you go like, "Oh, thanks," you know? And you're like, "That was fucking terrible."

Joe Rogan 17:36 The worst is when a non-comic tries to offer you suggestions for the bit and you're like-

Tom Segura 17:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:41 ... "Shh."

Tom Segura 17:41 Shut up, yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:42 It's like saying to a surgeon, "Why don't you stitch it like X, X, X, X?"

Tom Segura 17:46 Yeah. (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:46 If you just don't go straight across-

Tom Segura 17:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:48 ... but go back and forth-

Tom Segura 17:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:50 ... and be, be tighter, yeah.

Tom Segura 17:50 Sure, yeah. Yeah, some people go, "I'll send you some stuff, uh, that I think would work for you." And I'm like-

Joe Rogan 17:56 Oh, okay.

Tom Segura 17:56 ... I've had non-solicited stuff sent to me.

Joe Rogan 17:59 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 17:59 I don't even read it.

Joe Rogan 18:00 'Cause I, the last thing I wanna do is read something and I have like a parallel idea that I've already started working on, and I read it in this thing, and then I go, "Oh, God."... and I read-

Tom Segura 18:11 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 18:11 ... read this guy's thing, and I have a, a thing that's on the same subject, you know.

Tom Segura 18:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:16 And, and now some fucking schizophrenic thinks that you're stealing his act.

Tom Segura 18:19 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:20 So-

Tom Segura 18:20 That, I mean, that's, that's a, a big one. And they'll also, um, you know, they'll suggest ideas. They'll go, "I have jokes for you." Um, I'll do the thing too, where I've... You ever do a, a set, and then you see another comic doing a set, and they have a bit that you didn't do in the club set, right?

Joe Rogan 18:42 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 18:42 So it's... But it's in your act. And they do a similar thing. I'll tell them.

Joe Rogan 18:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 18:46 I'll go... I've gone up to them, been like, "Hey, just so you know-"

Joe Rogan 18:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 18:48 "... that bit you just did? You, I want you to know 'cause you saw me here tonight, that I have a bit about that."

Joe Rogan 18:53 Yeah.

Tom Segura 18:54 "That you... So you know I didn't get it from you here tonight."

Joe Rogan 18:57 Right.

Tom Segura 18:57 You know? On my career.

Joe Rogan 18:58 And then, you have guys that come up to you and go, "Just so you know, I have a similar bit."

Tom Segura 19:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:02 And they have a reputation for stealing.

Tom Segura 19:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:04 And you're like, "Mm."

Tom Segura 19:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:06 "Do you really?"

Tom Segura 19:07 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:08 "How convenient-"

Tom Segura 19:08 Right.

Joe Rogan 19:09 "... that you found a new way to do my bit-"

Tom Segura 19:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 19:10 "... that seems like yours."

Tom Segura 19:11 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:13 The worst is when a guy is opening for you, and then has new jokes on the same subjects. That happened to two friends of mine. Um, one, one guy is the opening act, and the other guy is the guy who takes him on the road. And he was on stage, and he was doing this bit. And my friend, who, uh, takes him on the road had his mouth open like, "Ah, it's, he's fucking stepping on my material." Like, totally stepping on the subject matter. And I had to pull him aside. I go, "Hey, man, like, you know he does that bit."

Tom Segura 19:46 Right.

Joe Rogan 19:46 "And just because you're doing a different bit kinda-"

Tom Segura 19:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:51 "... you're doing it on the exact same subject in your's opening act."

Tom Segura 19:54 You can't do it.

Joe Rogan 19:55 You can't do that.

Tom Segura 19:56 No. Just so people... Like, if you're... The, the, the way to do it is if you're the opener, you could just... You just have a conversation with the headliner, like, of that show."

Joe Rogan 20:07 Yeah.

Tom Segura 20:07 And you just go, "Are you doing XYZ?"

Joe Rogan 20:10 Well, I don't think you have to do that if they hire you. Like, if a, if a middle... Like, if you're a middle act at a comedy club, and you're supposed to go up and you do your act, you just fucking, you do your set.

Tom Segura 20:21 You do, but if you then see the headliner have a, like, a, a, a topic or the thing that, that's similar to yours, you either just know not to do it, or you talk to him about it, you know?

Joe Rogan 20:36 Yeah.

Tom Segura 20:36 Like, when I, I... You brought me to do y- uh, a Vegas show. And I was like, "Hey, are you doing anything, uh, uh, in these?" And you're like, "I am doing this, our story. I'm gonna open with this." So I was like, "Oh, okay." I just dropped my bit.

Joe Rogan 20:47 Yeah, but you and I are friends.

Tom Segura 20:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:49 Like imagine if someone was a headliner, and they kinda suck.

Tom Segura 20:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:52 And you're, like, trying to become a headliner, and you're a middle act.

Tom Segura 20:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:55 You might be like, "Fuck you and fuck your promises."

Tom Segura 20:57 Sure.

Joe Rogan 20:57 "The club hired me to do my time."

Tom Segura 21:00 Yeah. But it is... I mean-

Joe Rogan 21:01 (clears throat)

Tom Segura 21:01 ... I just believe in, like, if you're middle, you're support, you should-

Joe Rogan 21:04 Yeah.

Tom Segura 21:05 ... you should embrace that role.

Joe Rogan 21:06 Yeah.

Tom Segura 21:06 You know?

Joe Rogan 21:07 Callan had a conversation with someone once. He had this guy middling for him, and the guy was, like, tanking the show. The guy was like, like talking to the audience, but kind of tanking the show. And, uh, he said to him, he goes, "Hey, man, um, why are you doing that? Like, the other set, you were doing jokes, and now you're, like..." He goes, "I can do whatever the fuck I want." He goes, "No, no, you can't. No, if you do that, you're not gonna open for me anymore." He's like, "You're w- you actually... You're working for me right now."

Tom Segura 21:33 Right.

Joe Rogan 21:34 Like, "If you do that, I don't want you to work for me anymore." He's like, "Man, my time on stage is my time on stage."

Tom Segura 21:40 Oh, okay.

Joe Rogan 21:41 He's like-

Tom Segura 21:41 Bye.

Joe Rogan 21:42 ... "Bye."

Tom Segura 21:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:42 "Yeah, let's get somebody else." And it was, like, the, a big to-do.

Tom Segura 21:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:46 But people don't... People that aren't tr-... Like, sometimes people have, like, mental breakdowns, and they don't wanna do their best anymore.

Tom Segura 21:52 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:52 Or maybe they just... You know, sometimes the, just the grind of repeated shows can fuck with your perspective.

Tom Segura 21:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:00 There's times where I'm, like, a little tired, and I have to remind myself, "Jesus fucking Christ, Rogan, do you know how goddamn lucky you are just to be here, to be doing this? If you couldn't do this..." Like, imagine... I, I, I also try to remember how I felt just recently being able to do shows after the pandemic. Like, while we were doing shows, I was like, "Holy shit, we're back."

Tom Segura 22:19 We're back.

Joe Rogan 22:19 "We're fucking back."

Tom Segura 22:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:20 "We're back." The first time (clears throat) we did shows was in the middle of everything. It was July of 2020. And we did the Houston Improv, 'cause Texas doesn't give a fuck.

Tom Segura 22:29 That's right.

Joe Rogan 22:30 There were a m-... Everybody had masks on, and some of them were under their noses.

Tom Segura 22:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:34 It was just, like... It was wild. Like, everybody was just basically risking COVID-

Tom Segura 22:37 Yeah. ... to do that. But the feeling of crushing again- And that was... I know.

Joe Rogan 22:41 ... was so wild.

Tom Segura 22:42 Do you remember... You must remember, when we did... It was a year ago this week, July 4th, week of last year, we did MGM Arena.

Joe Rogan 22:50 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Tom Segura 22:51 And that was the first time Vegas was open again.

Joe Rogan 22:54 Yes.

Tom Segura 22:55 Like, fully open.

Joe Rogan 22:56 Yes.

Tom Segura 22:57 Those cr-... That crowd, those introductions were insanity.

Joe Rogan 23:01 Insanity.

Tom Segura 23:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:01 And then, COVID kicked in hard again after that.

Tom Segura 23:04 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:04 'Cause then the Delta kicked in.

Tom Segura 23:06 Right.

Joe Rogan 23:06 And then I wound up getting COVID.

Tom Segura 23:07 That's right, yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:08 Yeah. That was, that was extreme. That was like, people were like, "Holy fuck, it's back."

Tom Segura 23:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:14 "It's back."

Tom Segura 23:14 It really was. That was not normal.

Joe Rogan 23:16 (clears throat) And what a show that was, too. Donnell, you, me, Dave.

Tom Segura 23:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:19 Fuck, that was amazing.

Tom Segura 23:20 Good.

Joe Rogan 23:20 I'm there, I'm there Friday night.

Tom Segura 23:22 Oh, nice.

Joe Rogan 23:22 Same place, yeah.

Tom Segura 23:23 Yeah, that's a, that's a great venue.

Joe Rogan 23:24 I'm fucking pumped. It's Hans, Kim, Tony, me, and Brian Simpson.

Tom Segura 23:30 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 23:30 Yeah.

Tom Segura 23:30 This, this Friday?

Joe Rogan 23:31 Friday night.

Tom Segura 23:32 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:32 Tomorrow.

Tom Segura 23:32 Tomorrow, yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:33 Yeah.

Tom Segura 23:33 I'm, I'm here all weekend.

Joe Rogan 23:34 Are you really? What you doing?

Tom Segura 23:35 I'm doing ACL.

Joe Rogan 23:36 Oh, nice.

Tom Segura 23:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:37 Nice, nice.

Tom Segura 23:37 I got four there.

Joe Rogan 23:38 Home gig.

Tom Segura 23:39 Home gigs, nice.

Joe Rogan 23:40 Oh.

Tom Segura 23:40 Sleep at the house.

Joe Rogan 23:41 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Tom Segura 23:42 It's pretty great.

Joe Rogan 23:43 Dude, you're going so hard.

Tom Segura 23:44 It is, it's wild.

Joe Rogan 23:47 I don't know anybody who, who's doing a tour like you.

Tom Segura 23:49 I don't, I-

Joe Rogan 23:49 I've never, I've never done nathing- anything like that.

Tom Segura 23:51 No, I've never even honestly heard of it.

Joe Rogan 23:54 (clears throat)

Tom Segura 23:54 Totally. Uh, I mean, people... We tour aggressively, but this is kind of other level.

Joe Rogan 23:59 The name of it, though, is amazing.

Tom Segura 24:01 It's pretty great.

Joe Rogan 24:01 I'm Coming Everywhere (laughs) .

Tom Segura 24:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:02 Is this what you're doing? (laughs)

Tom Segura 24:05 And we haven't even announced-

Joe Rogan 24:06 (clears throat)

Tom Segura 24:06 ... the, uh, the final leg.

Joe Rogan 24:09 That is so crazy you have more legs.

Tom Segura 24:11 Yeah. So we, we have everything remoun- announced through this year.... uh, domestically, so I do- I do so many ... This just-just ... So, the tour started in '21, right? And just in '22, this year I'll do 198 shows.

Joe Rogan 24:27 Oh, my God.

Tom Segura 24:28 And I did, I think ... Because I started in August of '21. I think I did 70-something between August and December of last year.

Joe Rogan 24:36 (sighs)

Tom Segura 24:36 And then I do Australia/New Zealand in January. And then I announce the final leg, which is more international shows.

Joe Rogan 24:43 Are you doing mostly theaters, mostly arenas? Are you doing, like, half and half?

Tom Segura 24:48 It's, uh, it's a lot of theaters, and then the arenas have started to increase, so I, you know, I started to do a couple. I have a few, uh, Canadian, uh, arenas, and then I'm doing ... Well, I'm doing ... I have a big ... I'm doing two ball arenas in Denver, July 23rd and 24th.

Joe Rogan 25:07 Nice.

Tom Segura 25:07 So that's- that's- that's big. I'm doing-

Joe Rogan 25:09 Double, double arenas.

Tom Segura 25:10 Double arena.

Joe Rogan 25:11 Ooh.

Tom Segura 25:11 Mohegan Sun Arena, um, and we have a couple others on the- on the books.

Joe Rogan 25:16 Denver's fucking great.

Tom Segura 25:17 That's my fucking ... That's my-

Joe Rogan 25:19 I love Denver.

Tom Segura 25:20 It really is.

Joe Rogan 25:20 I love that town.

Tom Segura 25:21 Um, I think ... I mean, if I wasn't settled here, a few years ago, I'd be like, "Where do you want to live?"

Joe Rogan 25:27 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 25:27 I'd love ... I would live in Denver. I really like it.

Joe Rogan 25:29 If I was going to pick up and move, um, I think ... The thing about Denver is there's comedy.

Tom Segura 25:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:36 And there's mountains. I mean, it's gorgeous.

Tom Segura 25:39 It's gorgeous. You get- you get-

Joe Rogan 25:41 People are cool.

Tom Segura 25:41 ... proper four seasons, you know.

Joe Rogan 25:43 Yep, yep.

Tom Segura 25:43 Like, you get to experience it all. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:44 Great restaurants.

Tom Segura 25:45 Great restaurants. People are cool as shit. Um, yeah, it's a- it's a- it's a really ni- nice mix of everything.

Joe Rogan 25:51 The homeless thing's out of control there, though.

Tom Segura 25:53 In Denver?

Joe Rogan 25:54 Yeah, they have a very liberal mayor, and they're- they're nuts.

Tom Segura 25:57 What did we do with them here?

Joe Rogan 25:58 We killed them.

Tom Segura 25:59 When I got ... (laughs) Did we throw them in the- in the river?

Joe Rogan 26:01 No, the river's not gonna get polluted by homeless people.

Tom Segura 26:04 Oh. I, uh, I remember when I got here, it was a library.

Joe Rogan 26:07 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:07 Like, on Cesar Chavez, was, um-

Joe Rogan 26:11 (coughs) Totally taken over.

Tom Segura 26:12 Completely taken over.

Joe Rogan 26:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:13 And then just one day, you go- you drive by and you're like, "What happened here?"

Joe Rogan 26:17 Yeah. They did a good job. They fixed it. They brought them into shelters. They brought- they- they bought hotels. They spent a lot of money, and they cleaned it up. And they cleaned it up substantially. Like, no other city that I've ever been a part of, and it was a- a- just a great relief that this city is doing the right thing.

Tom Segura 26:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:33 The gate, they got them shelter. They took care of them.

Tom Segura 26:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:36 You know? And they- they moved them out of the streets. You can't litter on the street.

Tom Segura 26:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 26:42 You also can't camp there.

Tom Segura 26:43 Sure.

Joe Rogan 26:44 Both those things are true. And you-

Tom Segura 26:45 But you have to have a solution, right?

Joe Rogan 26:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:46 You can't just be like, "Well, you can't do this, and we have nothing, no option for you."

Joe Rogan 26:49 Right.

Tom Segura 26:50 So ...

Joe Rogan 26:50 No, they did a good job.

Tom Segura 26:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:51 They really did.

Tom Segura 26:52 I did notice, 'cause I was in LA, uh, last week, 'cause I was always kind of floored by the location of it, right? Which I don't know how that would sound to some people, but just when you s- Like, there's always been a homeless presence downtown, for instance.

Joe Rogan 27:07 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 27:07 Downtown Los Angeles, you just go ... This is like a lot of major cities' downtowns, and there's a presence here.

Joe Rogan 27:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 27:15 And then, you know, you always had it in Venice, for instance, also, right? That was just like a- an area you would always have homelessness. But there was a camp set up in Brentwood, which I was like, "Wow, this spells- feels like a real indication of the extreme level of this."

Joe Rogan 27:32 Yeah.

Tom Segura 27:32 It's- because Brentwood, for somebody that doesn't know, is one of the enclaves of Los Angeles that is, like, just really high-end. It's an elite-

Joe Rogan 27:40 It's where OJ killed his wife.

Tom Segura 27:41 OJ killed his wife there. Other people have died there. It's a wonderful area, and-

Joe Rogan 27:45 (laughs)

Tom Segura 27:46 But it is a d- I mean, it is a, like, a- a status area to live in, you know?

Joe Rogan 27:50 Yeah.

Tom Segura 27:51 And you would drive ... You take this, uh, off of, I think off San Vicente, and there's the, uh, military cemetery there.

Joe Rogan 27:57 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 27:57 And the camp was all along there as- as the road turned, and it was just, like-

Joe Rogan 28:03 Out of control.

Tom Segura 28:04 ... out of control.

Joe Rogan 28:05 They've given up.

Tom Segura 28:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:07 I went there the other day.

Tom Segura 28:07 But that- but that one's gone now.

Joe Rogan 28:09 That one's gone?

Tom Segura 28:09 That one's gone.

Joe Rogan 28:10 Really?

Tom Segura 28:10 That's what I was very surprised by.

Joe Rogan 28:11 Oh.

Tom Segura 28:12 I don't know where people were relocated to, if they did any of the things we're talking about.

Joe Rogan 28:16 Hmm.

Tom Segura 28:16 But that one, at least on- when I went there that day, I was expecting it, and I was like, "Oh, it's gone."

Joe Rogan 28:21 Hmm.

Tom Segura 28:21 So I don't know where it went.

Joe Rogan 28:22 They have, um, Porta-Potties in the underpasses now.

Tom Segura 28:25 They do?

Joe Rogan 28:26 Yep.

Tom Segura 28:27 Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 28:28 Yeah. We, uh ... I went to LA for a couple days last week for your wife's birthday party.

Tom Segura 28:33 Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:33 That was a good fucking time.

Tom Segura 28:35 It was fun.

Joe Rogan 28:35 That was a good time. I got a little too high. (clears throat)

Tom Segura 28:38 Surely.

Joe Rogan 28:38 Daddy got a little too high. Woo!

Tom Segura 28:41 I was in that-

Joe Rogan 28:42 Blistered.

Tom Segura 28:42 I was in that house. She asked me, uh, she's like, "Where have you been?" I was like, "Just getting high in the fucking-"

Joe Rogan 28:47 Yeah, we were high as fuck.

Tom Segura 28:47 ... on the balcony.

Joe Rogan 28:48 Yeah, we were high as fuck. But it was fun. It was just a fun party.

Tom Segura 28:52 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:53 Uh, but, uh, anyway, while we were driving, um, to there, we went to- we ate at Mother Wolf.

Tom Segura 28:59 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:59 You ever eat at Mother Wolf? It's a fucking new place in, um, new place in LA that's, uh, run by the same head chef as Felix in Venice.

Tom Segura 29:07 Yeah. Which is-

Joe Rogan 29:08 Fuck.

Tom Segura 29:09 Really?

Joe Rogan 29:09 It's just as good as- as Felix, like, that level.

Tom Segura 29:11 Where is Mother Wolf?

Joe Rogan 29:12 Mother Wolf is on ...

Narrator 29:16 (snoring)

Joe Rogan 29:16 ... Wilcox. Thank you.

Tom Segura 29:17 So, proper Hollywood?

Joe Rogan 29:18 Yeah, Hollywood Hollywood. Anyway, so we- we take the off-ramp, and then, uh, we're on the underpass, and there's Porta-Potties. Not one, either, like four, like a deck of Porta-Potties.

Tom Segura 29:28 Wow.

Joe Rogan 29:28 And then someone has a car parked there on the sidewalk, like, partly on the sidewalk, so they're, like, half blocking a lane, and then they have, like, a- a canopy draped over their car, and they have just stacks of shit. And then next to it was a dresser. They had a dresser.

Tom Segura 29:45 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 29:45 So, they had their shoes in a shoe rack. There was a shoe rack. Like, this is where they live. They're just-

Tom Segura 29:51 That's really wild. I didn't know also that, um, you know, when- when you see stuff like that on the streets, at least in Los Angeles or maybe in California, those are- that's protected property, like by law, you know that? Like, if you were to go-

Joe Rogan 30:06 So, you're not supposed to do that?

Tom Segura 30:07 But e- and- but, like, that's that person's property by law. If you were to go-

Joe Rogan 30:11 Oh, the homeless person's property-

Tom Segura 30:12 Yes.

Joe Rogan 30:12 ... is protected?

Tom Segura 30:13 Yes. Absolutely.

Joe Rogan 30:15 Huh.

Tom Segura 30:15 If you were to go and try to move that or take that, they-

Joe Rogan 30:18 You would get arrested?

Tom Segura 30:19 Yeah.... yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:20 Hilarious.

Tom Segura 30:21 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:21 But they wouldn't arrest you if you shot somebody-

Tom Segura 30:24 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:24 Maybe you should just go and shoot the homeless people.

Tom Segura 30:26 I like your ideas.

Joe Rogan 30:27 Yeah.

Tom Segura 30:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:27 And if nobody claims it... I mean, nobody does anything about violent crime in LA anymore. It's a fucking joke.

Tom Segura 30:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:33 They're just letting people out, you know? That guy that, uh, killed Ted Sarandos' , uh, mother-in-law, he had just gotten out.

Tom Segura 30:41 Really?

Joe Rogan 30:41 Oh, yeah. Real piece of shit. Yeah, just people that are just full-on career criminals, and it's bad. I mean, I don't-

Tom Segura 30:50 I just read about the guy that... He killed a Subway worker, you saw that? Over too much mayo.

Joe Rogan 30:55 Yep.

Tom Segura 30:55 And he had just gotten out.

Joe Rogan 30:57 Shot her in front of her da- her daughter.

Tom Segura 31:00 (sighs) He's a career criminal too.

Joe Rogan 31:01 Yeah.

Tom Segura 31:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:02 Too much mayo.

Tom Segura 31:04 I like mayo. That's why it-

Joe Rogan 31:05 I love it too.

Tom Segura 31:06 ... really stuck with me, but-

Joe Rogan 31:06 I like a juicy Subway sandwich.

Tom Segura 31:08 ... but that story really stuck with me.

Joe Rogan 31:09 Do you know the bread in Subway sandwich has so much sugar you can't legally call it bread?

Tom Segura 31:13 No. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:14 Yes.

Tom Segura 31:15 Really?

Joe Rogan 31:15 Yeah, it's like a pastry.

Tom Segura 31:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:18 Yeah, pull that up.

Tom Segura 31:19 Eat fresh, man. (laughs) That's their fucking slogan.

Joe Rogan 31:22 Remember when Jared the pedophile was eating bread from Subway and claiming that that's how he-

Tom Segura 31:27 You remember that he was my buddy and that I have his phone number?

Joe Rogan 31:29 Oh, that's right.

Tom Segura 31:30 We shot commercials together.

Joe Rogan 31:32 Oh.

Tom Segura 31:32 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:32 Jesus Christ, that's crazy.

Tom Segura 31:34 We split a pizza at the W Hotel in New York.

Joe Rogan 31:37 That's crazy.

Tom Segura 31:37 He was like, uh, his friend said, "You know, the executives are pissed. They say Jared's gained in weight." I'm like, "What? You look great." And he's like, they're like, "No, he's put on a few..." 'Cause they would really... They go, "We can only do this campaign with you if you're always-"

Joe Rogan 31:53 Thin.

Tom Segura 31:53 ... you know? Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:54 How much did he lose total?

Tom Segura 31:56 (sighs) Man, I think he was 500 pounds, and he got down to, like, the low 2s, so he probably-

Joe Rogan 32:00 Hmm.

Tom Segura 32:00 ... lost over 250 pounds, yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:03 Subway rolls, rolls ruled too sugary to be bread in Ireland-

Tom Segura 32:07 That is hilarious.

Joe Rogan 32:08 Yeah, that was (laughs) cool to tell (laughs) in the article. Ireland's highest court made the ruling in the case about how bread is taxed. An Irish franchise, a US company, had claimed that it should not pay VAT on the rolls it uses in its heated sandwiches, but the court ruled because of the level of sugar in the rolls, they cannot be taxed as bread, which classified as a staple product with zero VAT. I don't know what VAT is. But it's-

Tom Segura 32:32 That's a tax, VAT-

Joe Rogan 32:34 Oh.

Tom Segura 32:35 ... the, uh, yeah, Tax Act.

Joe Rogan 32:36 Um, under Ire- Ireland's VAT Tax Act of 1972, ingredients in bread such as sugar and fat should not exceed 2% of the weight of flour in the dough.

Tom Segura 32:46 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 32:47 Wow.

Tom Segura 32:47 The... By the way, the funniest quote is the Subway spokesperson, "Subway's bread is, of course, bread." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:53 Look at what they say, the content, the sugar content is 10% of the flour in the dough for both white and whole grain rolls. 10% is crazy.

Tom Segura 33:05 Yeah, it is.

Joe Rogan 33:06 Shouldn't have any fucking sugar in there.

Tom Segura 33:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:08 Why does it have 10%?

Tom Segura 33:10 (laughs) That is-

Joe Rogan 33:10 It's a, it's a pastry.

Tom Segura 33:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:12 Subway's bread is, of course, bread.

Tom Segura 33:14 (laughs) We have been breaking bread.

Joe Rogan 33:16 Fresh bread in our stores for more than three decades, and our guests return each day for sandwiches made on bread that smells as good as it tastes.

Tom Segura 33:24 Dude, look at that. The rolls are now subject to tax at 13.5%.

Joe Rogan 33:29 Wow.

Tom Segura 33:29 So if you're, you know, working out your margins there, that's a, that's a big increase from what it was, right? Like-

Joe Rogan 33:35 Yeah.

Tom Segura 33:35 ... holy shit.

Joe Rogan 33:36 Yeah, that's a hit.

Tom Segura 33:37 Yeah. You're like, "I think we gotta remake this bread, man." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:40 Yeah, just make regular bread.

Tom Segura 33:41 Yeah. 'Cause-

Joe Rogan 33:42 I mean, how many people would buy less Subway sandwiches if it was no sugar in their bread?

Tom Segura 33:47 Maybe you don't know, if you're, if you're used to that taste, you don't know how it's, you know, you know-

Joe Rogan 33:53 Right.

Tom Segura 33:53 ... now it's made. And if they do that, you'd be like, "The fuck is up with this bread?" And like, "Well, we cut the, uh, 35 grams of sugar we were putting in it."

Joe Rogan 34:00 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:00 You'd be like, "Oh."

Joe Rogan 34:01 Yeah, 10%... If, if it's 10% of the flour is sugar, what is, like... Does normal bread, do they add sugar?

Tom Segura 34:12 I wanna say...

Joe Rogan 34:13 I think white bread definitely has sugar in it.

Tom Segura 34:15 Some, right?

Joe Rogan 34:15 Well, well, like, Wonder Bread- Mm-hmm. ... but that's not really bread. I know. It's delicious. I mean, it's kinda bread. But Wonder Bread is basically pastry.

Tom Segura 34:22 Yeah, that- 'cause that's a very sweet tasting bread.

Joe Rogan 34:24 Yeah. Oh, my God.

Tom Segura 34:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:25 It's so good.

Tom Segura 34:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:26 Wonder Bread with, like, peanut butter and jelly- Yeah. ... is fucking fantastic. One slice, 1.5 grams. For white bread.

Tom Segura 34:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:32 For white bread. Yeah. Oh, that's from- Watch, it says white bread. ... USDA. Yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 34:35 Does it say how many grams are in a Subway...

Joe Rogan 34:38 Yeah, it's a lot.

Tom Segura 34:39 It's a lot?

Joe Rogan 34:40 (clears throat) Yeah, look at that. (clears throat) Companies reviewing the ruling, a six-inch Subway roll contains three to five grams of sugar. That's not that-

Tom Segura 34:48 That doesn't seem that crazy.

Joe Rogan 34:49 ... bad except for gluten-free, which has seven. Oh, interesting, they added more sugar to gluten-free.

Tom Segura 34:54 It seems like that Irish Supreme Court should, could've been just a little bit of a, like a-

Joe Rogan 35:00 Scam?

Tom Segura 35:00 ... a scam to, like, let's increase that tax rate a little bit.

Joe Rogan 35:02 Yeah, probably.

Tom Segura 35:03 Let's get that bread tax up.

Joe Rogan 35:04 I mean, they have a known history in the UK of being a little tax happy.

Tom Segura 35:09 Tax, yeah, well-

Joe Rogan 35:09 Remember those days?

Tom Segura 35:10 Oh, yeah, sure.

Joe Rogan 35:11 We had to show them the, the fucking what's what.

Tom Segura 35:13 What's what, dog.

Joe Rogan 35:14 Yeah, bro.

Tom Segura 35:14 And then, there's the-

Joe Rogan 35:15 Tea Party.

Tom Segura 35:15 ... there's the big tax loophole that exists in Ireland, right, which, uh, corporations funnel their money through them.

Joe Rogan 35:23 Oh, yeah?

Tom Segura 35:24 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 35:24 What is that? What's the loophole?

Tom Segura 35:25 So I believe the loophole has to do with, you know, when... If you, if you route your money through certain, uh, countries and they're, they have laws that allow, they allow you to go, like, "Our money is actually deposited here." They collect a tax on it, but it's far less than what they would pay if they kept it, let's say, here.

Joe Rogan 35:50 Oh.

Tom Segura 35:51 So they end up... It's essentially housing that money there to pay less tax.

Joe Rogan 35:55 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 35:56 So it's, I, I believe it's the Irish... It's called, like, the Irish corporate tax loophole or something like that.

Joe Rogan 36:01 Just so many tax loopholes.

Tom Segura 36:02 It's loo- But it's a big one, and they, like, you know, there's, uh, American politicians who have, like, lobbied to try to get that done away with, like, uh, ban the ability to do that so that people would have to pay more taxes here. But so far...

Joe Rogan 36:18 The problem with paying more taxes is they're just gonna find more ways to spend your money. I don't necessarily think it's gonna make anything better.... you know? I think the, the bureaucracy in this country is so clogged up and fucked up and ineffective. I just, I don't think they'd be better if they ... Like, if we all just gave 75% taxes-

Tom Segura 36:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:37 ... they, they're not gonna fix the streets, they're not gonna cure the homeless problem, fix all the crime.

Tom Segura 36:41 Yeah. They would just figure out more ways to spend.

Joe Rogan 36:42 Yeah.

Tom Segura 36:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:43 They'll find new ways to tell you that the rich people are not paying their share, so you turn on them.

Tom Segura 36:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:48 You ever see ... There's like a ... I love memes. I've been fucking meme happy lately.

Tom Segura 36:51 Yeah? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:52 Well, yeah. They're so funny. It's like when things are gone, gone crazy-

Tom Segura 36:56 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 36:56 ... like, I love memes.

Tom Segura 36:57 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 36:58 Because it just seems like those are the ... That's the shit that makes-

Tom Segura 37:01 They sometimes summarize things perfectly, right?

Joe Rogan 37:03 Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:04 But, uh, someone just sent me one, um, about ... Here, let me find it for you. About people with pitchforks turning on the people with torches. Hold on a second. I'm fucking this up. It's not good? Bro, my vision is dog shit.

Tom Segura 37:22 Mine too. It gets worse.

Joe Rogan 37:23 It's getting so bad.

Tom Segura 37:25 All the time.

Joe Rogan 37:26 I mean, if I don't, I'm not gonna find it. If I don't wear reading glasses. Oh, here it is. I can barely see what those, you know those little things? The, the little squares when you're like, your iPhone?

Tom Segura 37:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:38 With the images? I have to make the image full size.

Tom Segura 37:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:40 But I can't figure out what that little thing is.

Tom Segura 37:42 Yeah. I've gotten to the point where if any type of thing is written in, on the ph- phone-

Joe Rogan 37:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:49 ... I have to enlarge or wear glasses. I can't, I can't just read the, uh-

Joe Rogan 37:55 So this one's like, a cartoon. "Oh, no, you don't need to fight them. You just need to convince the pic- pitchfork people that the torch people want to take away their pitchforks."

Tom Segura 38:03 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:03 It's real.

Tom Segura 38:04 It's real.

Joe Rogan 38:05 I mean, thi- this is what they would do if you got more taxes. I guess that's not a meme. That's a cartoon.

Tom Segura 38:09 Yeah, but same idea basically.

Joe Rogan 38:12 (exhales) So are you aware of that Russian Popeye guy? The guy who gets, uh-

Tom Segura 38:18 Russian Popeye?

Joe Rogan 38:18 Yeah, he's this guy who is, uh-

Tom Segura 38:20 No, Colombian Popeye.

Joe Rogan 38:21 ... addicted to plastic surgery.

Tom Segura 38:22 Uh, no. Oh, no. Is this the guy who I, I've seen a photo of that, like, his face is-

Joe Rogan 38:27 He's doing crazy stuff-

Tom Segura 38:28 ... so fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 38:28 ... to his face, but also doing stuff to his arms.

Tom Segura 38:30 (sighs) Yeah. They look good.

Joe Rogan 38:32 So ... Look, he's, his arm looks, like, seriously infected. His left arm, I mean.

Tom Segura 38:36 Yep.

Joe Rogan 38:37 I don't know what's going on there, but he's injecting his arms with something, like oil or something that ... Maybe it's Synthol. So I've r- I've read somewhere that it was petroleum jelly that he's doing. He's, like, literally insane.

Tom Segura 38:50 This is, like, complete mental illness. I mean, yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:53 100%.

Tom Segura 38:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:54 Well, if you look at his, uh, the translations of his posts-

Tom Segura 38:57 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 38:57 ... it's all, "I am a very attractive man."

Tom Segura 38:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:59 "I'm very handsome and very confident." Like ...

Tom Segura 39:01 Sure.

Joe Rogan 39:01 And so his nuance is he's projecting his face.

Tom Segura 39:03 Most, most guys like that say that, you know?

Joe Rogan 39:04 He ... Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 39:05 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:05 All the good-looking ones.

Tom Segura 39:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:07 (laughs)

Tom Segura 39:07 "I'm very good-looking and I am very confident."

Joe Rogan 39:08 Look at it, he, he's doing to his face. Look at that face.

Tom Segura 39:10 Fuck.

Joe Rogan 39:10 The big one. So he's doing this to his face now. (exhales) Which is weird when you hear him talk, 'cause he's got this heavy Russian accent. What is his face, man? I mean, look at that. That's ... Yeah, that's not good. He's got-

Narrator 39:25 (Russian) .

Tom Segura 39:28 Oh, man.

Joe Rogan 39:30 He's got makeup on too, for sure.

Tom Segura 39:31 He does.

Joe Rogan 39:32 Definitely got lipstick on.

Narrator 39:33 (Russian) .

Tom Segura 39:37 There's no way those lips wouldn't feel good though.

Joe Rogan 39:39 On your cock?

Tom Segura 39:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:41 Maybe.

Tom Segura 39:42 You don't think that would feel good? Come on. Like, if you couldn't ... If you just covered everything else up.

Joe Rogan 39:46 You wouldn't even have to cover everything up, 'cause he looks kinda like a crazy girl.

Tom Segura 39:51 He does. He looks like a real crazy girl.

Joe Rogan 39:53 Yeah, like a g- uh, yeah, like g- Let me see his face, full face. Like-

Tom Segura 39:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:57 ... if you get fake eyelashes on that dude and long hair, you could pretend.

Tom Segura 40:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:04 (laughs)

Tom Segura 40:06 I have before. Um ... All right.

Joe Rogan 40:08 Hey.

Tom Segura 40:09 Hey. Cheers, everybody.

Joe Rogan 40:10 Oh, hey.

Tom Segura 40:11 Number two New York Times bestseller. How you doing? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:13 Hey. You're number two, huh?

Tom Segura 40:15 I was. I think I'm, uh, seven this week.

Joe Rogan 40:18 Who's number one?

Tom Segura 40:19 It is-

Joe Rogan 40:19 What are you, number two?

Tom Segura 40:20 Uh, it, it was, uh, Fox & Friends host, and it's like, Reshape the American Mind.

Joe Rogan 40:26 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 40:26 It's got a, it's got-

Joe Rogan 40:26 Those are the people who read. (laughs)

Tom Segura 40:27 It's got the Christian emblem next to it. Like, lets you know it's a Christian friendly book.

Joe Rogan 40:31 Oh, boy.

Tom Segura 40:31 And it's in every store, you know.

Joe Rogan 40:34 Did you know that when the printing press was first made, most of the really popular books were like, how to spot witches?

Tom Segura 40:40 No.

Joe Rogan 40:41 Yeah. I always thought, like, books-

Tom Segura 40:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:43 Oh, the old books. Like, we're gonna pass down our knowledge of mathematics and geometry.

Tom Segura 40:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:48 And this is how you build a house. Uh-uh.

Tom Segura 40:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:50 No, the early books were like, the really popular ones, like, how to spot witches.

Tom Segura 40:54 Yeah. That's hilarious.

Joe Rogan 40:55 (laughs) But it only makes sense.

Tom Segura 40:57 Did you know that they're down to two printing press houses in America now?

Joe Rogan 41:02 What?

Tom Segura 41:03 So it used to be a thing where if we all wrote books and you're like, "When's it going into print?" And they'd be like, "When it's done. We don't care." Now, you have to get a slot.

Joe Rogan 41:13 Oh.

Tom Segura 41:14 Like, you're talking about, like, a hardcover book. And because there's only two left, if you lose ... Let's say you, you're like, "Oh, I ... My book's not ready," or whatever happens and pull out, now you have to wait for everybody who already has a slot to print before you can get another one.

Joe Rogan 41:33 Ooh.

Tom Segura 41:34 So it becomes a w- a thing where the, the deadline to print becomes extremely important.

Joe Rogan 41:40 How many did there used to be?

Tom Segura 41:42 M- so many more to the point where it was never an issue. You would never be like, "Well, we can't get a slot." I know this because when I had my deadline, I called them the night before, and I was like, "I'm not gonna meet the deadline tomorrow." And they were like, "You have to," and I'm like, "But I won't."

Joe Rogan 42:01 (laughs)

Tom Segura 42:02 "'Cause it's not done." (laughs) And they were like, "You really have to." And I go, "Well, let's re- let's, let's push it, and then we can get a new date to print, and we'll just push the release," and I, you know, I pitched this whole thing. And they got back to me the next day, they go, "You have one week." (laughs) They gave me an extra week (laughs) to finish it.

Joe Rogan 42:21 Wow.

Tom Segura 42:22 And, uh, I just wrote night and day.

Joe Rogan 42:23 Did you take Adderall?

Tom Segura 42:25 ... I didn't. I'd never taken it. I'd never taken it.

Joe Rogan 42:26 I haven't either, but I'm- th- I would think about it for a- for that.

Tom Segura 42:29 Yeah. It c- that would make me hyperf- I've never done it. Um-

Joe Rogan 42:32 My wife took it once and she told me it's- it- it's crazy.

Tom Segura 42:35 Super focused, right?

Joe Rogan 42:35 She said she only took, like, a half of one, her friend was like, "Just take the whole one."

Tom Segura 42:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:39 She's like, "I'm gonna try a half of one." She's like, "Ah!"

Tom Segura 42:41 Yeah. Re-

Joe Rogan 42:41 She's cleaning her closet, "Ah!"

Tom Segura 42:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:43 Grinding her teeth. (laughs)

Tom Segura 42:44 I- I could use that. I don't mind that. I could use that type of focus.

Joe Rogan 42:48 I am terrified of speed 'cause I'm terrified that I would enjoy it, you know?

Tom Segura 42:53 I liked kratom. Have you taken that?

Joe Rogan 42:54 I have taken kratom.

Tom Segura 42:56 Have you taken it as a pre-workout?

Joe Rogan 42:57 N- well, yes. Well, I've taken it as a bunch of different things, but, you know Chris Bell?

Tom Segura 43:02 Yes.

Joe Rogan 43:02 Chris and Mark Bell? Yeah, we were talking about 'em the other day.

Tom Segura 43:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:04 So Chris Bell's the one who turned me onto it.

Tom Segura 43:06 That's who turned me onto it.

Joe Rogan 43:07 And so he tells me, "If you take a small amount, it's sort of like a mild stimulant, like a cup of coffee."

Tom Segura 43:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:14 "But if you take a larger amount, it has a different effect." So I go, "Well how many do you take?" And he goes, "Well before I work out, I take 10."

Tom Segura 43:21 What?

Joe Rogan 43:21 I go, "10? 10?"

Tom Segura 43:23 I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 43:23 You take 10? I go, "So I take 10." So I took 10. And I was high as fuck.

Tom Segura 43:31 You took 10?

Joe Rogan 43:32 I was high as fuck.

Tom Segura 43:33 Took ... Wait, did you take 10 vials?

Joe Rogan 43:34 10 pills.

Tom Segura 43:35 10 pil- okay.

Joe Rogan 43:36 Yeah.

Tom Segura 43:36 'Cause the- the vials, the liquid form-

Joe Rogan 43:39 Oh, the liquid form. Oh my god.

Tom Segura 43:39 ... is more potent.

Joe Rogan 43:40 Oh yeah, that would be crazy. No but these are-

Tom Segura 43:42 I just- I take one of the ... I've- I've been doing it for a couple weeks-

Joe Rogan 43:45 Yeah?

Tom Segura 43:45 ... and I feel fucking ready to go after that. I love it.

Joe Rogan 43:49 Does it make you feel like you're ready to work out, like you feel better?

Tom Segura 43:53 I do. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 43:54 Yeah? Like more energy?

Tom Segura 43:55 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 43:56 It's a weird drug.

Tom Segura 43:56 It's a weird drug though, because if I'm being totally honest, I also (laughs) feel more confident on it. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:02 Really?

Tom Segura 44:03 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:03 Oh.

Tom Segura 44:04 Yeah. I feel- I'm just like- I don't know. I'm-

Joe Rogan 44:06 Feel more confident. But that's good, right?

Tom Segura 44:08 I think it's good for going into a workout.

Joe Rogan 44:09 Yeah.

Tom Segura 44:09 Why is it- why- what's it bad for?

Joe Rogan 44:11 (laughs)

Tom Segura 44:11 It just makes me laugh because you say that and somebody goes, "You mean like cocaine?"

Joe Rogan 44:14 (laughs)

Tom Segura 44:14 And I'm like, "I guess so." Uh, like-

Joe Rogan 44:16 But it's kinda like a opiate, right?

Tom Segura 44:18 I- I'm- uh, I mean, I've heard different commentary about it.

Joe Rogan 44:21 Yeah.

Tom Segura 44:21 But I just know that I really liked it for, uh, their stuff, Mind Bullet. I- I really liked it.

Joe Rogan 44:27 Yeah. That- uh, it made me nervous when I tried 10, 'cause I was like-

Tom Segura 44:31 10? You might have- you might wanna dial that back.

Joe Rogan 44:32 ... "Dude." I'm like, "You're kidding."

Tom Segura 44:33 But you also like, "I'm gonna do a cold plunge for 25 minutes."

Joe Rogan 44:36 (laughs)

Tom Segura 44:37 So it might be something in your brain doing that.

Joe Rogan 44:39 Well, I just wanted to see what he was experiencing, was- he was telling me he was doing 10. I was only doing two on my own.

Tom Segura 44:44 Okay.

Joe Rogan 44:45 'Cause I think maybe it even said it on the label. I don't remember.

Tom Segura 44:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:48 But I was doing two and I was like, "Hmm, gives me a kinda like a good feeling. I like it."

Tom Segura 44:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:52 Like, it was like a good cup of coffee.

Tom Segura 44:54 Chris is one of those guys who- 'cause I worked out with him in, in Sacramento. He can just go in there on- you know, on a moment's notice and still pull 500, 600 pounds.

Joe Rogan 45:05 Really?

Tom Segura 45:06 (laughs) Yeah. Yeah, and he's 50-something years old.

Joe Rogan 45:08 Chris or Mark?

Tom Segura 45:09 Chris.

Joe Rogan 45:10 Damn, that's a lot.

Tom Segura 45:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:11 He's not a big guy.

Tom Segura 45:12 I know. Strong dude.

Joe Rogan 45:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 45:13 He has that switch.

Joe Rogan 45:14 And he has fake hips.

Tom Segura 45:15 Does he?

Joe Rogan 45:16 Yeah, he had his hips redone.

Tom Segura 45:16 Mark is still s- super fucking strong too.

Joe Rogan 45:18 Yeah. Yeah.

Tom Segura 45:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:21 But 10 is- you're getting high.

Tom Segura 45:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:23 You're getting high-high. Like it's like-

Tom Segura 45:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:25 ... it's a wild high. It's like this kinda high, like-

Tom Segura 45:28 Well, I feel like-

Joe Rogan 45:28 ... "Ooh."

Tom Segura 45:29 That vial, if I had taken another one, I might be like that too, loopy.

Joe Rogan 45:33 Yeah, but that's what it does. It's weird. It's like it has a different effect with low dose than it does with high dose.

Tom Segura 45:37 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 45:38 It's not like- with low dose you get confident and a little pick-me-up, but high dose you get even more confident and more pick-me-up, but-

Tom Segura 45:43 Sure.

Joe Rogan 45:44 ... no, I was high.

Tom Segura 45:45 High high.

Joe Rogan 45:45 I was high like, "Whee."

Tom Segura 45:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:48 But I didn't have any motor control issues. Like, uh, everything moved perfect.

Tom Segura 45:53 Sure.

Joe Rogan 45:54 It wasn't like I was impaired, like-

Tom Segura 45:56 But you did- did you finish that going, "I don't wanna do this again"?

Joe Rogan 45:59 Yeah, I never did it again. Never touched it again.

Tom Segura 46:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:01 I was like-

Tom Segura 46:01 Do you like any pre-workout?

Joe Rogan 46:03 Um, I don't generally ... Generally I'll- I'll take a KillCliff. I like KillCliff.

Tom Segura 46:10 Okay.

Joe Rogan 46:10 'Cause it's like 150 milligrams, just B12 in it.

Tom Segura 46:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 46:13 150 milligrams caffeine, like KillCliff Ignite, I like those-

Tom Segura 46:16 Okay.

Joe Rogan 46:16 ... pre-workouts. But, um, I t- I feel like wha- what I- all I really need is to get sweaty. Once I get going-

Tom Segura 46:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:24 ... then I'm good.

Tom Segura 46:25 I have that thing ... Like, I mean, it's not probably that unique, but the feeling of breaking a real sweat just from lifting is so much more, like, rewarding-

Joe Rogan 46:35 I know what you're saying, yeah.

Tom Segura 46:36 ... than from cardio, right?

Joe Rogan 46:37 Right, right, right.

Tom Segura 46:37 'Cause cardio, you go like, "I'm definitely going to sweat as long as I-"

Joe Rogan 46:39 Right.

Tom Segura 46:40 But you can do a- a lifting regiment where if you do it at a certain pace you m- might not sweat-

Joe Rogan 46:47 Right.

Tom Segura 46:48 ... but you still have like a pump going.

Joe Rogan 46:49 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 46:50 But if you get after it with weights and you really start sweating, that, I think is one of the best feelings.

Joe Rogan 46:55 Yeah, it's nice. It's a very- it's a very r- anxiety rel- relieving for me.

Tom Segura 46:59 Yes, yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:00 Yeah. There's two types of lifting, right? There's like lifting heavy, like rock and ra, and with big pauses in between your sets.

Tom Segura 47:07 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 47:07 You don't get too sweaty for that.

Tom Segura 47:09 No.

Joe Rogan 47:09 You know, doing like sets of two and three.

Tom Segura 47:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:12 Yeah.

Tom Segura 47:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:13 But I don't really do that. The heaviest thing I lift is 70 pounds.

Tom Segura 47:16 Really?

Joe Rogan 47:17 Yeah. Occasionally I'll do dead lifts with more, or squats with more.

Tom Segura 47:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:23 And when I say 70 pounds, it's j- I mean a 70-pound kettlebell. I might use two.

Tom Segura 47:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:28 But it's like 70 pounds with each hand. I n-

Tom Segura 47:30 That's what I was carrying when my knee popped the other day and I was like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 47:33 Yeah. Oof. Yeah, you were telling me that.

Tom Segura 47:35 I was carrying a dumb- I was doing rows.

Joe Rogan 47:37 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 47:37 You know? And I had it in my hand just- it's fine. I mean, it was fine for the rows, and I'm just ki- and I go to move and I don't pivot, like my leg- left leg-

Joe Rogan 47:48 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 47:48 ... stayed planted, and I just felt pop up, and I was like (gasps) and it was the knee that I had injured before.

Joe Rogan 47:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 47:55 And it was a good f- four days of anxiety.

Joe Rogan 47:58 Serious injury.

Tom Segura 47:59 Serious, serious injury, yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:00 I mean, for people that don't know, the- the- there's a video of it online.

Tom Segura 48:02 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:02 We don't need to watch it again.

Tom Segura 48:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:03 But- but ...

Tom Segura 48:04 But it's- it's a patellar tendon tear.

Joe Rogan 48:05 Yeah.

Tom Segura 48:06 And so you have to repair that, but my knee also swelled up and I was like, "Oh no."

Joe Rogan 48:12 Yeah. Fuck.

Tom Segura 48:12 I got so nervous about it. I got it X-rayed, I got it examined, got an MRI.

Joe Rogan 48:17 Yeah.

Tom Segura 48:17 And they go, "I think you just tore a bunch of scar-" There's so much scar tissue there. So they go, "You tore scar tissue."

Joe Rogan 48:21 I don't even wanna get my knee MRI-ed, my knee that's causing me problems.

Tom Segura 48:24 Really?

Joe Rogan 48:25 I just wanna keep juicing it up with stem cells.

Tom Segura 48:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:27 Hopefully the best.

Tom Segura 48:28 Stem cell parties. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:28 It's working. It's definitely better. It's definitely better, 100%. It's just I gotta not kick with it, that's the whole deal. I just can't kick-

Tom Segura 48:36 Yeah. There's too much torque in that.

Joe Rogan 48:37 Yeah.

Tom Segura 48:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:38 It's too much.

Tom Segura 48:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:39 You know? It's just-

Tom Segura 48:39 Makes sense.

Joe Rogan 48:40 And I- I can't-... I can't just half-ass it.

Tom Segura 48:44 Well, my PT, 'cause I saw her when I was in LA, she goes... I go, "Are you doing lunges?" And I go, "Yeah." She goes, "Are you fucking stupid?"

Joe Rogan 48:55 (laughs)

Tom Segura 48:55 (laughs) And I'm like, "What?" And she goes, "Are you a fucking dumbass or something?" I go, "No." Speaker 0Did she talk to you like that 'cause you're a comic? Yeah. No. She just had... Dr. Karen, she, she just has that, uh...

Joe Rogan 49:04 That's her?

Tom Segura 49:04 Karen Juber, yeah. She has that personality. And... But, I mean, we're friends, so we, we... you know, we've hung out, we've socialized a bunch. She's great, but she, she goes, "You're doing lunges like a fucking idiot?"

Joe Rogan 49:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 49:15 And I was like, "I guess so." (laughs) I go, "Hey, you never told me not to do lunges, and neither did anybody else." She goes, "I mean, look at the movement of your knee when you're doing a lunge, dummy. Of course you're gonna fuck up your patella." (laughs) I was like, "All right." She goes, "No more lunges."

Joe Rogan 49:27 Well, how long has it been since the surgery?

Tom Segura 49:29 Uh, the surgery was a year and a half.

Joe Rogan 49:33 And you still can't do lunges?

Tom Segura 49:34 She just said that it's really best to... That, that... The torque you put on the knee on a full lunge, especially like a weighted walking lunge-

Joe Rogan 49:43 Uh-huh.

Tom Segura 49:43 ... is a lot for a patella, for th- the patellar tendon. So she's like, "You can do squats, you can do deadlifts, you can just-"

Joe Rogan 49:49 So never do lunges again?

Tom Segura 49:50 I mean, maybe if it was-

Joe Rogan 49:51 Is that what she's saying?

Tom Segura 49:51 ... uh, 'cause they, like, the doctor said... It's so funny when I got injured, they go, "Orthopedic injuries, full year." A year, everyone said a year.

Joe Rogan 50:00 Yeah.

Tom Segura 50:00 And a year, that's what it takes. You gotta need a full year to recover. You need a full year. Okay. I go in the other day when I had this scare, and he goes, "Yeah, you know, your left quad's coming back pretty good. It's not where the right quad is, but I can tell you've been lifting and this is good." I go, "Yeah." He goes, "You know, takes two years before your quad comes back." I go, "When did we add another fucking year to this?" And he's like, "Oh, that's what it takes for, uh, a, like, a quad to really come back, two years." I go, "Oh, so now-"

Joe Rogan 50:24 Really?

Tom Segura 50:24 "... we're on a two-year plan. Okay." So-

Joe Rogan 50:26 But how do athletes do it? 'Cause they don't... It doesn't take two years for them.

Tom Segura 50:29 I don't know. I mean, I think ACL stuff might be a little different or maybe the, the regimen they put them through. I'm not sure. I just... You know, this is just what they told me, and they just said, you know, maybe strengthen it up even more before you get into lunges. But yes, shoe's pretty-

Joe Rogan 50:44 Patellar tendon is a big fucking tendon.

Tom Segura 50:46 It's a big one. Yeah. I mean, what happens is too, ve- I mean, it's pretty obvious, but when that tendon tears, your patella just goes floating and you have no hinge ability.

Joe Rogan 50:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 50:54 So it's just a leg that doesn't move 'cause you don't have a knee.

Joe Rogan 50:58 Right.

Tom Segura 50:58 So it's just completely useless. And then you can't move it when the surgery comes... 'Cause, you know, when you're recovering from it, you can't move it at all. Like, you know, when you do ACL repair, you're able to walk on it, like, after a few weeks, and you're able to then, you know... 10 weeks later. But s- you're in a straight brace for the patellar for, like, six, eight weeks.

Joe Rogan 51:20 I went to a party without crutches five days after my ACL surgery.

Tom Segura 51:24 Okay.

Joe Rogan 51:25 I just put a knee brace on and I was walking around.

Tom Segura 51:27 There you go.

Joe Rogan 51:28 I worked out real hard. Um, well, I was in really good shape. I was doing jujitsu a lot.

Tom Segura 51:32 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 51:33 And I popped my ACL, and then, um, I got it fixed within two weeks. It was really quick.

Tom Segura 51:40 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 51:40 Yeah. And I didn't do any meniscus tear on that knee at all. It was just, uh... It was a... It wasn't a normal way of tearing it. It was jujitsu, and I was in what's called half guard in a lockdown.

Tom Segura 51:53 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 51:53 And I was trying to pass this guy, uh, his half guard, and he extended his legs. And instead of my leg being locked out like this-

Tom Segura 52:01 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 52:01 ... my leg was locked out sideways. So it just snapped, and it sounded like a carrot. (snaps fingers)

Tom Segura 52:07 It did?

Joe Rogan 52:07 Yeah, like that. Loud. (snaps fingers)

Tom Segura 52:09 And that was the ACL?

Joe Rogan 52:10 Yeah. And I didn't... It didn't even hurt. That's what was crazy.

Tom Segura 52:13 How about... Could you walk when you stood up? Like, when you-

Joe Rogan 52:15 Totally. I got up-

Tom Segura 52:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:16 ... and my knee was a little stiff, and I kept rolling. I kept training.

Tom Segura 52:21 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 52:21 And then, um, I was in my office. I think I stopped early though. I think I stopped training early 'cause it was starting to s- it was starting to, like, stiffen up. And I was like, "Uh, maybe this is something, 'cause it doesn't hurt, but maybe it's something." Um, meniscus tears hurt like a motherfucker.

Tom Segura 52:37 Yeah. That's what they were telling me.

Joe Rogan 52:38 But sometimes tendons and ligaments, they, they don't really hurt.

Tom Segura 52:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:42 So it's weird.

Tom Segura 52:42 The... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:43 So then I was in my office just moving some shit around and my leg just went ka-poink. It just buckled. And I had already torn my left ACL, like, 10 years prior-

Tom Segura 52:51 You knew.

Joe Rogan 52:51 ... so I knew what it was.

Tom Segura 52:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:52 I was like, "Goddammit." So luckily, I went in and, uh, I'd already seen this doctor 'cause he had cleaned up my meniscus in my left knee. And, uh, I went to him and he's like, "Dude, you need surgery." I go, "When can you get me in?" He's like, "10 days." I go, "Okay, we're good." So 10 days later, I had surgery, and five days after that I went to my friend Matt's birthday party. He's like-

Tom Segura 53:12 That's wild.

Joe Rogan 53:12 ... "I thought you just had knee surgery." I go, "I did."

Tom Segura 53:14 Did. Did. Good.

Joe Rogan 53:14 "Feel good."

Tom Segura 53:16 Wow.

Joe Rogan 53:16 He's like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Tom Segura 53:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:17 I'm like, "I've got a brace on."

Tom Segura 53:19 That's wild.

Joe Rogan 53:20 I was walking around. Didn't bother me at all. I didn't even have any pain medication. Nothing. Zero.

Tom Segura 53:23 And you were exercising shortly after that?

Joe Rogan 53:25 I did jujitsu six months later.

Tom Segura 53:27 Six months later.

Joe Rogan 53:27 Yeah, it took six months of training, but I rehabbed it hard. I didn't rehab the left one that good 'cause that was, like, in my 20s and I was kind of stupid.

Tom Segura 53:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:37 But I was so into jujitsu when I was in my 30s, that when I blew that ACL out, I was doing body weight squats in the shower, like deep body weight squats in the shower, like, just days after surgery.

Tom Segura 53:53 Wow.

Joe Rogan 53:53 I was like, "I am gonna break this tissue up." I'm like, "I know my left leg is really strong and I can hold the position and my legs are strong."

Tom Segura 54:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:00 "I've been working out a lot so I know I can, like, do stuff like this, so I'm just gonna slowly make sure that..."

Tom Segura 54:05 Sure.

Joe Rogan 54:05 'Cause I have a friend, my friend Jen, she got her knee done up in Canada. Shout out to Jen Rivet. She got her f- her knee done up in Canada, and I don't know if it was a bad doctor or a bad situation, but she developed scar tissue that was so bad that she couldn't fully extend her knee, so they had to put her under. So they put her under after the surgery, like, m- like, long time afterwards, to try to straighten her knee out, to break up the scar tissue. And they did it in, like, this insanely painful way that you can only do if someone's out cold.

Tom Segura 54:35 Fully out, yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:37 Still didn't work.

Tom Segura 54:37 Didn't work?

Joe Rogan 54:38 Nope. So her knee doesn't fully lock out. Her knee never goes like that.... her leg.

Tom Segura 54:43 It goes like ...

Joe Rogan 54:44 Yeah. It goes like this.

Tom Segura 54:44 Close. Wow.

Joe Rogan 54:45 So she kind of walks with a limp and I'm like, "Goddammit." When I see shit like that, and she's younger than me, and I see shit like that, I'm like, "Well, that's how you blow your hip out because you're favoring one knee-"

Tom Segura 54:54 Sure.

Joe Rogan 54:55 ... "and you put pressure on your other knee. Your whole body's, like, out of balance if you have something wrong like that."

Tom Segura 55:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:00 And, you know, I, (sighs) whenever I talk to anybody that's had any kind of surgery like that, I'm like, "You gotta keep that fucking leg moving. You can't just sit around."

Tom Segura 55:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:11 You can't just sit around and let it heal-

Tom Segura 55:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:13 ... and let it heal, heal, like, and lock up.

Tom Segura 55:15 Well, I'm just, I'm so glad it was scar tissue.

Joe Rogan 55:18 Yeah. I know.

Tom Segura 55:19 So glad. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:19 That's so lucky. So you d- I don't even know if you finished saying that. So it was just the scar tissue that popped in your knee when you had that thing recently?

Tom Segura 55:26 Yeah, because everything was inta- I mean, you know, at first it was X-rays, then they did this manual-

Joe Rogan 55:30 MRI.

Tom Segura 55:30 ... exam where they move your leg around and they're like, "Does this hurt? Can you do this? Can you extend? Can you resist?" And, you know, past that and then, yeah, the MRI and they go, "It was scar tissue." So, thankfully.

Joe Rogan 55:41 That's very lucky.

Tom Segura 55:41 Oh my God, I was just panicked about being laid up again with ... I was like, "Fuck."

Joe Rogan 55:45 I know multiple guys who have had an ACL-

Tom Segura 55:48 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:48 ... had it fully repaired and then went too hard, too quick and then blew it out again.

Tom Segura 55:51 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 55:51 Yeah.

Tom Segura 55:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:53 I knew by the time, like six months after, the, the, I, the two different ways that I did it, on this side, I had what's called a patella tendon graft where they take a piece of your patella out. And you can see the scar on this one. It goes like this here.

Tom Segura 56:05 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 56:05 They take a piece of the patella with a piece of your shin bone and a piece of your kneecap, and then they open you up like a fish, and then they drill in that and drill in that, and this patella tendon replaces your, um, your ACL. But on this one, I took, uh, I did a cadaver. And this one, they used an Achilles tendon from a cadaver, and it's 150% stronger than a regular ACL.

Tom Segura 56:30 Whoa.

Joe Rogan 56:30 Yeah. So this one-

Tom Segura 56:31 Didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 56:32 This one's good to go, son.

Tom Segura 56:33 It really is.

Joe Rogan 56:34 I'm kicking through walls with this one.

Tom Segura 56:35 With that one.

Joe Rogan 56:36 Yeah.

Tom Segura 56:36 But not the other one?

Joe Rogan 56:37 Well, the other one, I had some meniscus damage. And, uh, they repaired it ar- ar- initially, but repairing for regular people and repairing for kicking are just two different things. The-

Tom Segura 56:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:49 ... the, the amount of torque.

Tom Segura 56:50 Right. Walking around's different.

Joe Rogan 56:52 Yeah. Walking around, it probably would've been fine.

Tom Segura 56:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:54 But there's just too much twisting and-

Tom Segura 56:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:57 ... yanking and, you know, kicking is so, especially spinning-

Tom Segura 57:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:02 ... there's so much torque on your knees. There's so much going on. (imitates grunting)

Tom Segura 57:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:06 Driving into things and-

Tom Segura 57:07 Sure.

Joe Rogan 57:08 It's hard. I don't wanna get my knees replaced. That's what I don't want 'cause I know, like, Michael Bisping had both his knees replaced. I know my friend Steve Graham, he had both his knees replaced on multiple times. He's had-

Tom Segura 57:18 So you're gonna dial it back with the kicking with that leg, right?

Joe Rogan 57:21 For a while. That's why I went today to get the stem cells.

Tom Segura 57:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:24 Shout out to Ways2Will.

Tom Segura 57:25 Shout out Ways2Will.

Joe Rogan 57:26 They're great.

Tom Segura 57:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:27 It's awesome.

Tom Segura 57:28 Yeah. In fact, I brought friends.

Joe Rogan 57:29 Oh, it's so nice.

Tom Segura 57:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:30 I mean, stem cells, uh, all those biologics, like, that's th- it's just, it's so, it's such a game changer 'cause it can heal things in a way that you just did not have access to before stem cells.

Tom Segura 57:42 Yeah. Sure.

Joe Rogan 57:44 It's amazing. I mean, it already feels better. Like, uh, he's been doing it for the last couple months, injecting it, and it al- it feels way better. It was hurting going upstairs and I was like, "Goddammit," 'cause I just know where this road goes.

Tom Segura 57:56 Fucking nightmare.

Joe Rogan 57:56 Yeah.

Tom Segura 57:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:58 And the road goes also to a weakened leg, so I make sure that I do a lot of stuff on that leg.

Tom Segura 58:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:03 I've been very, very, um, diligent about the, uh, Knees Over Toes program.

Tom Segura 58:09 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:10 I, I have that s- that torque sled. I pull that motherfucker backwards-

Tom Segura 58:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:13 ... almost every day.

Tom Segura 58:14 Uh, I'm supposed to get that sled tomorrow or the next day.

Joe Rogan 58:17 Yeah.

Tom Segura 58:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:17 It's the shit.

Tom Segura 58:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:18 That thing's the shit.

Tom Segura 58:19 I used it. I used it at the, at Bell's place. They had one, so, and I loved it.

Joe Rogan 58:22 Oh, you didn't see the gym here.

Tom Segura 58:24 Oh, I saw it.

Joe Rogan 58:24 Oh, did you?

Tom Segura 58:25 It's fucking wild.

Joe Rogan 58:27 (laughs) Isn't it cool?

Tom Segura 58:28 Yes.

Joe Rogan 58:29 Yeah.

Tom Segura 58:29 It's cool as fuck.

Joe Rogan 58:30 Did you see the archery range?

Tom Segura 58:31 Yes.

Joe Rogan 58:32 Yeah.

Tom Segura 58:32 It's nuts what you have here.

Joe Rogan 58:34 Yeah. Yoga room, sauna, cold plunge.

Tom Segura 58:36 Crazy.

Joe Rogan 58:37 Float tank.

Tom Segura 58:37 This is your personal gym. It's dope. Yeah, it's dope as fuck.

Joe Rogan 58:39 Well, other people use it, you know?

Tom Segura 58:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:41 Security guys use it and-

Tom Segura 58:42 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:42 ... Curtis comes in when he needs.

Tom Segura 58:43 Fucking, I'm coming by, man.

Joe Rogan 58:44 Come anytime, brother. Anytime. Come on down. Have a workout. It's awesome. I love having it. It's just a beautiful thing to have, you know? It's like, it's a, it's also a fun thing to do with guys before you do a podcast.

Tom Segura 58:56 Sure.

Joe Rogan 58:57 Get a workout in.

Tom Segura 58:58 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:58 Sweat.

Tom Segura 58:59 That's r- it's great.

Joe Rogan 59:00 Yeah, I'm gonna offer, like, yoga classes for people that wanna come and do a podcast.

Tom Segura 59:03 Really?

Joe Rogan 59:03 Like, say, "Hey, the podcast starts at 1:00, but if you'd like, I'm gonna do yoga at 10:00 AM. Come on down, get a little-"

Tom Segura 59:09 That's great.

Joe Rogan 59:09 "... yoga class in."

Tom Segura 59:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:10 That kind of shit.

Tom Segura 59:10 Are you still doing a lot of yoga?

Joe Rogan 59:12 I haven't been.

Tom Segura 59:12 No?

Joe Rogan 59:13 But I want to. That's why I put the yoga-

Tom Segura 59:14 I really enjoyed when we did that. I mean, it was a whole different-

Joe Rogan 59:17 The challenge? Yeah.

Tom Segura 59:17 Yeah, but, like, y- not even the challenge aspect. I mean, that was cool too, but getting into something that I didn't really do before, and I, I do miss it. I do like, I like-

Joe Rogan 59:25 Yeah.

Tom Segura 59:25 ... the feeling of completing one of those classes.

Joe Rogan 59:29 Yeah. Yeah, we, we, uh, gotta get Bert on the Sober October train this year. We can't miss this one. He needs to get sober.

Tom Segura 59:36 I'm down.

Joe Rogan 59:38 'Cause I wanna see, I mean, he's so much more of a drunk than he's ever been before.

Tom Segura 59:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:44 Right? Wouldn't you agree?

Tom Segura 59:46 He's out of control.

Joe Rogan 59:47 He's out of control.

Tom Segura 59:48 What happens is, he, um, you know, it's not unlike, I think, anybody that maybe tours is that his wheels fall off on tour. I mean, you know, it, it-

Joe Rogan 59:58 Right.

Tom Segura 59:58 ... that happens to a lot of people. You get home, you get grounded or I'm home.

Joe Rogan 1:00:03 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:00:03 And he, but he tours a lot.

Joe Rogan 1:00:05 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:00:05 So what happens is, you know, the party guy's on the road, it's gonna be a fucking party.

Joe Rogan 1:00:09 Yeah, he put a post on the Instagram. He c- he texted me too-

Tom Segura 1:00:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:12 ... telling me about it. He's like, "I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna do this."

Tom Segura 1:00:15 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:15 "I got my goals and this-"

Tom Segura 1:00:17 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 ... "and that and this, this." And then, uh, he goes, "But I'm back on the road in two weeks."

Tom Segura 1:00:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:21 I'm like, "Bitch-"

Tom Segura 1:00:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:22 "... you ain't doing shit." You're gonna have-

Tom Segura 1:00:23 'Cause I'm getting, I'm getting jacked this month.

Joe Rogan 1:00:25 He's gonna have-

Tom Segura 1:00:25 This month.

Joe Rogan 1:00:25 ... one hard workout-

Tom Segura 1:00:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:27 ... and he's gonna be really tired and he's like, "I deserve a drink."

Tom Segura 1:00:29 (laughs) Yeah. He's crazy.

Joe Rogan 1:00:31 There's a video of him that he put up on his Instagram and it's, I think it's from him on the podcast, on this podcast, talking about how much he loves drinking. "I'm never gonna quit drinking."

Tom Segura 1:00:42 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:42 He goes, "I love it. I love it." I love when someone says, "Do you want to get mimosas?"

Tom Segura 1:00:45 He gives a couple speech-

Narrator 1:00:46 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:00:46 He has a couple of those...

Narrator 1:00:48 ... I, I know what it was from. It was from some S- uh, it's called like the Sunday podcast or something.

Tom Segura 1:00:51 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Narrator 1:00:52 But-

Tom Segura 1:00:52 Yeah, that's, that, that, yeah, where he does this really-

Narrator 1:00:54 Oh.

Joe Rogan 1:00:55 Yeah. He's done it on this one too.

Tom Segura 1:00:56 But on that one, it, yeah. He, he does it where he-

Joe Rogan 1:00:59 He's almost-

Tom Segura 1:00:59 ... he feels like a coach.

Joe Rogan 1:01:00 Right, right, right. Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:01:02 Like halftime.

Joe Rogan 1:01:02 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:01:02 You think you're gonna win this fucking championship?

Joe Rogan 1:01:03 He's evangelizing.

Tom Segura 1:01:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:05 Yeah. (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:01:06 (laughs) He does this thing sometimes where he's totally serious where w- we'll be together and I'm like, "How you doing?" Like, we just first sat down. "How you doing?" He's like, "Good, good. I haven't drank in a while. Feel good. Got a good..." I go, "When was the last time you drank?" He'll go, "Uh, Tuesday." And I'm like, "That's not that long ago. That's two days ago."

Joe Rogan 1:01:20 Ugh.

Tom Segura 1:01:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:20 Is that same?

Narrator 1:01:21 ... quit drinking.

Tom Segura 1:01:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:21 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 1:01:23 I will never quit drinking. (instrumental music plays) I will always make sure that I can keep my body healthy enough so that I can always drink. I love seeing a sunrise with a cocktail, seeing a sunset with a cocktail, having friends walk into your house with a bottle of wine, getting on a plane, "Can I get you something?" Double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. I love the moment someone says, "Hey, we should get a drink." And you, and you're not supposed to. That feeling, it's like a first kiss. You don't get to have first kiss when, kisses when you're married, you get to have those first drinks. At a brunch, someone goes, "Should we do mimosas?" And then the waiter goes, "Actually, we have bottomless mimosas." And you're like, "This is gonna be the best day ever."

1:02:03 Dude, you just hyped me the fuck up.

Tom Segura 1:02:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:04 (laughs)

Narrator 1:02:05 You just hyped me up, bro.

Tom Segura 1:02:06 (laughs)

Narrator 1:02:06 That was like a locker room speech. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:08 Yeah.

Narrator 1:02:09 It was pretty inspirational. I should speak at AA meetings.

Tom Segura 1:02:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:14 (laughs)

Narrator 1:02:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:16 He's crazy. But it's also-

Tom Segura 1:02:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:18 ... he's built different.

Tom Segura 1:02:19 He really is. Actually, he really is.

Joe Rogan 1:02:20 He would be a fucking hell of an athlete if he wasn't a drunk.

Tom Segura 1:02:24 That's the total 100% truth.

Joe Rogan 1:02:26 Like when you played him tennis.

Tom Segura 1:02:28 Fucking unbelievable.

Joe Rogan 1:02:30 Yes.

Tom Segura 1:02:31 It, it wasn't even... And here's the thing, he didn't really prepare for that. And he also showed up hungover and with beers on him.

Joe Rogan 1:02:37 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:02:39 Like, in a p- in his hoodie pouch. And I was like-

Joe Rogan 1:02:42 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:02:42 ... "Are you okay?" He's like, "I'm pretty hungover."

Joe Rogan 1:02:45 Ugh.

Tom Segura 1:02:46 And what it was too, because he actually has, um, he played, he was a really good baseball player, right? He has really good hand-eye coordination.

Joe Rogan 1:02:52 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 1:02:53 Um, and that his serve was, I'm not joking, it was phenomenal.

Joe Rogan 1:02:58 Really?

Tom Segura 1:02:59 His serve was phenomenal. For somebody that's also not actively playing, and he could do things, like he could do kick serves and like he could put spin on it, and he was serving impressive, impressive for any, like, buddy who plays tennis, but especially for someone who's not even playing all the time.

Joe Rogan 1:03:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:03:15 (laughs) That's right.

Joe Rogan 1:03:16 (laughs) Let me see this.

Tom Segura 1:03:17 Let me see this, like-

Joe Rogan 1:03:18 Give me some volume.

Tom Segura 1:03:19 Let me see if he's like- (tennis court rattles) (bottles Clink)

Narrator 1:03:20 Nope. Didn't like that one.

Tom Segura 1:03:21 Well, he's maybe... But this is like him still figuring it out, right? That's, that's a light. That's not an example.

Narrator 1:03:26 Hey, did we just start this match off with an ace?

Tom Segura 1:03:28 He-

Narrator 1:03:28 (laughs) Did we just get the fucking... (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:03:30 He gets so much, and this is my fucking gay serve. Hold on. (tennis court rattles) This is like...

Narrator 1:03:40 Oh, oh, oh.

Tom Segura 1:03:41 Okay, this is really bad, but... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:03:43 (laughs)

Narrator 1:03:45 Ah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:46 I can't play tennis at all, so-

Tom Segura 1:03:48 Well, this was like-

Joe Rogan 1:03:48 ... I'm impressed.

Tom Segura 1:03:50 When, when you see him actually-

Narrator 1:03:53 Oh, get up with that. Take shot. Take shot.

Tom Segura 1:03:54 ... serve next, it's just-

Narrator 1:03:56 Wanna help him get it now? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Joe Rogan 1:04:00 Dude, there's kids around.

Tom Segura 1:04:01 (laughs) Fuck. This is so, I'm sure, horrific to watch, but...

Narrator 1:04:09 Ah, shit.

Tom Segura 1:04:12 It's so bad.

Narrator 1:04:12 I mean, this is like watching two blind men fuck.

Tom Segura 1:04:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:04:17 When he, uh, when he got after it, I guess that though didn't have it there. Um, but yeah, so anyway, I had, I had a tennis coach there, a, like a really good player. And after the match he's like, "Dude, I..." He goes, "I'm sorry."

Joe Rogan 1:04:33 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:04:33 Because he coached me. And I go, "What?" He goes, "He has a legit D1 college serve." And I go, "What?" He goes, "Yeah, that is fucking really impressive." I had no idea-

Joe Rogan 1:04:44 Wow.

Tom Segura 1:04:44 ... he would have that. But he does have, he has athletic gifts.

Joe Rogan 1:04:47 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:04:47 For sure he does.

Joe Rogan 1:04:48 If he wasn't a fat fuck... (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:04:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:04:51 If he wasn't a fat fuck-

Tom Segura 1:04:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:52 ... he'd be a hell of an athlete.

Tom Segura 1:04:53 The only... Actually, you know, the, the thing that would completely change that guy is, it's obvious, but it's his, it's his caloric intake, right? Like, he-

Joe Rogan 1:05:01 Yes.

Tom Segura 1:05:01 ... he has, he's at a surplus every day.

Joe Rogan 1:05:03 Right.

Tom Segura 1:05:03 It's, it's surplus food, surplus drink. If he was like, I... If you told him, "You have to cut this out for-"

Joe Rogan 1:05:10 Right.

Tom Segura 1:05:10 ... your life's gonna, you're, you're gonna die, he would fucking look unbelievable.

Joe Rogan 1:05:14 Like the weight loss challenge.

Tom Segura 1:05:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:16 When you guys... The first Sober October we did was just a weight loss challenge.

Tom Segura 1:05:19 But even that, he did it the Bert way.

Joe Rogan 1:05:21 Right.

Tom Segura 1:05:21 Which is like-

Joe Rogan 1:05:22 He crammed.

Tom Segura 1:05:22 ... two weeks out, he's like, "I'm gonna starve myself."

Joe Rogan 1:05:24 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:05:24 Like, that's how he did it. He didn't do it like, you know...

Joe Rogan 1:05:28 And did he even starve himself? I think he just dehydrated himself.

Tom Segura 1:05:30 I, yeah, he dehydrated himself. He probably skipped a bunch of meals.

Joe Rogan 1:05:33 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:05:33 He has a, a skinny formula, which is-

Joe Rogan 1:05:36 What? (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:05:36 Yeah. He goes, "Well, you want, you wanna be skinny?"

Joe Rogan 1:05:39 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:05:39 I'm like, "Yeah." He goes, "What you do is you drink, you take a Xanax."

Joe Rogan 1:05:43 What?

Tom Segura 1:05:44 But yeah, he's like, "You sleep off and then you wake up skinny 'cause you haven't eaten in like 15 hours." I'm like, "Yeah, you could just be awake and not eat." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:05:51 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:05:51 You know?

Joe Rogan 1:05:52 What a bizarre way of handling it.

Tom Segura 1:05:54 Yeah. It's just his mind, man.

Joe Rogan 1:05:56 Oh God, he's such a c- thank God he's a comic, right?

Tom Segura 1:05:59 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:05:59 Imagine if that poor fuck was like some salesman somewhere.

Tom Segura 1:06:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:02 He'd just be hating life, waiting to get drunk.

Tom Segura 1:06:05 Oh, I could see him totally w- working at like, what, uh, tackle shop, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:06:09 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 1:06:09 It's like somewhere like, "You need bait, you need some, get some worms here for you."

Joe Rogan 1:06:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:06:14 And he would just be tipping one back on the job.

Joe Rogan 1:06:17 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:06:18 And you'd be like, "It's fine," he works at a bait shop, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:06:19 Maybe.

Tom Segura 1:06:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:20 Maybe they'd fire him.

Tom Segura 1:06:21 Who knows?

Joe Rogan 1:06:22 They put the worms where the fucking lures are supposed to be.

Tom Segura 1:06:25 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:06:26 (laughs) He's just...

Tom Segura 1:06:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:28 It's just like there's certain people that you can't imagine them being anything other than comics.

Tom Segura 1:06:31 Yeah, for sure. And he is, he is our John Daly, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:06:35 Oh yeah, for sure.

Tom Segura 1:06:35 That's, that's definitely who he is.

Joe Rogan 1:06:36 Yeah, that's our John Daly.

Tom Segura 1:06:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:38 But it's, but, uh, what I worry is that it's like so attached to his persona.

Tom Segura 1:06:42 Right. He has that thing, uh, it's not uncommon where he goes, "I don't want to disappoint people."

Joe Rogan 1:06:47 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 1:06:47 "They're here to see the machine, they want to have a drink, they want to party with me." And he's not, he doesn't wanna let them down, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:06:54 Well, he'll let them down when he dies.

Tom Segura 1:06:57 ... yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:57 That's gonna be a letdown.

Tom Segura 1:06:58 That would suck.

Joe Rogan 1:06:59 The thing is, like, you can't live long like that.

Tom Segura 1:07:03 Yeah. I know.

Joe Rogan 1:07:04 Nobody lives long like that.

Tom Segura 1:07:05 No.

Joe Rogan 1:07:06 You, you live, but-

Tom Segura 1:07:09 I know.

Joe Rogan 1:07:09 You're, you're in a weird race with... Obviously, he has great genetics.

Tom Segura 1:07:13 He does. He does.

Joe Rogan 1:07:15 So for drinking, his genetics are fantastic.

Tom Segura 1:07:18 Yeah. They really are.

Joe Rogan 1:07:19 'Cause he doesn't... Even when he's really drunk, he's pretty fucking coherent.

Tom Segura 1:07:22 There's times where I didn't know, and then all of a sudden, it's revealed. He's like, "I've had-"

Joe Rogan 1:07:27 85 drinks. (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:07:28 Yeah. He's like, "I drank, like, these two bottles of whiskey and 45 beers." I'm like, "What?"

Joe Rogan 1:07:33 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:07:34 And then, and then I'll be like, "Oh, yeah." He's like, "Check this out," and he takes his clothes off. I'm like, "Oh, okay," like now.

Joe Rogan 1:07:38 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:07:38 But I didn't know a moment ago when we were talking.

Joe Rogan 1:07:41 The wildest shit is watching Shane Gillis.

Tom Segura 1:07:44 I heard about this.

Joe Rogan 1:07:45 Shane Gillis and Ari, Ari said, "I'm gonna go beer for beer with you," which is ridiculous.

Tom Segura 1:07:49 Yeah. Shane's a big guy too.

Joe Rogan 1:07:50 He's a big guy.

Tom Segura 1:07:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:52 I mean, former football player.

Tom Segura 1:07:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:53 Very tall.

Tom Segura 1:07:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:54 A lot of mass, right? So Shane is, uh, handling 15 beers. And O- And plus, he had a couple... Well, he shotgunned a few too. He shotgunned... Did he have like 17? So he shotgunned two.

Tom Segura 1:08:06 He was on, he was on 18 when Ari was on the ground.

Joe Rogan 1:08:08 (laughs) He was on 18. 18 beers.

Tom Segura 1:08:11 Really?

Joe Rogan 1:08:11 Yes.

Tom Segura 1:08:11 And he was fine?

Joe Rogan 1:08:12 Dir- Yeah. Oh, funny.

Tom Segura 1:08:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:08:14 Funny. Fine, funny, great sentences.

Tom Segura 1:08:17 Wow.

Joe Rogan 1:08:18 Talking shit, having a good time.

Tom Segura 1:08:19 So he's got a real capacity.

Joe Rogan 1:08:21 Oh, it's-

Tom Segura 1:08:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:08:21 It's, uh, superhuman.

Tom Segura 1:08:23 Wow.

Joe Rogan 1:08:23 And Ari was done. Ari was throwing up in the-

Tom Segura 1:08:25 Yeah, I saw the picture of him-

Joe Rogan 1:08:26 ... cooler.

Tom Segura 1:08:26 ... like asleep, his arms folded-

Joe Rogan 1:08:28 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:08:28 ... like a little baby on