Joe Rogan Experience #1844 - Tom Segura

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast.…

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music) Tom, you're a fucking author.

   4. TSTom Segura0:13

      I'm an author.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      Not only are you an author, but you're a New York Times bestselling author.

   6. TSTom Segura0:17

      Pretty crazy, man. Pretty crazy.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:19

      That's pretty crazy.

   8. TSTom Segura0:19

      Yeah. Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      That's pretty crazy.

   10. TSTom Segura0:21

       I know. I really didn't think that would happen, to be honest.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:23

       It's wild.

   12. TSTom Segura0:24

       (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:24

       You had a wild following though, pal.

   14. TSTom Segura0:25

       I know. It's just, um... I remember there, you know... That's the whole thing. They... Once you s- once you have, like, everything in, they start talking about the sales, obviously. Like, first is the work of writing the book.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Right.

   16. TSTom Segura0:36

       Which is its own thing, and everybody's like, "Don't do it." At least comics are. They're like, "Don't fucking do it." You know? 'Cause-

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:42

       Everybody I know that's done it said exactly what you said, "It's a grind."

   18. TSTom Segura0:45

       Yeah, yeah. It is. It, it... What it is, too, is that for somebody that's out of school work for so long, it's the, it's the thing that feels like going back to school the most.

   19. NANarrator0:55

       Mm-hmm.

   20. TSTom Segura0:55

       'Cause you, you, you have deadlines. And we, we don't, we don't write dead- you don't have deadlines in standup, you know?

   21. NANarrator1:00

       Oof.

   22. TSTom Segura1:00

       It's like... And you send it and you get notes back, and they're like... There's blood all over the pages, right? Like, you got-

   23. NANarrator1:07

       (laughs)

   24. TSTom Segura1:07

       You're like... And they're like, "This doesn't even make... How do you connect these two?" And you're like, "I don't, I don't know." And they're like, "Well, that's what you have to do now. You're writing it." And you're like, "Fuck! Okay." So it's just, like, it feels like you're back to work, you know? You're back to doing work again.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:19

       How's your typing?

   26. TSTom Segura1:21

       Um, it i- th- it was rough with the arm, with the hand, right?

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:24

       Oh, that's right.

   28. TSTom Segura1:25

       So, I actually... I started writing this book... I, I got the deal for it in, at, when the pandemic was, like, just had t- when they, when it was clear everything was shut down. So everything started in March, and then it was like April, May. I feel like in that window is when I got the deal to do this, and I was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna do any touring." Like, they were like... Remember? Touring is, like, done. So I'll write a book. I sent in, like... I don't know. I sent in 10,000 words, um, and then a little while later, I sent in 20,000 more, and I remember (laughs) that I, I gave it to the publisher, and she took her time with it. You know? Like, to do the, to do her notes. I mean, it's, it's, you know... I don't know how many pages that is, but it's like... Let's say it's like 100 pages or something, so it took a while. So I'm just, like, waiting to get notes back, and then when they come back, it's, like, right before I get injured. So I think I... I'm then in the hospital, and I have an arm that doesn't work for a while, and they go, "How's the, uh, how's the notes coming?" I'm like, "I'm not doing them. I, I can't write right now." (laughs) Like, 'cause I was-

   29. JRJoe Rogan2:31

       Yeah.

   30. TSTom Segura2:32

       ... up in... And when I finally did get to them, it took a while. Like, some, some chapters you get notes on, say things like, you know, "Just add something here and there," and, uh, "This, this works great." You know? "Make this more clear." And you're like, "Oh, that's not bad at all." And you flip the page, and the next thing is like, just, "We don't know what the fuck this story is about," and it's just, like, lines all over the place. "Lose this, add this, add humor, add..." And you're like, "Oh, my god."
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   You can find them…

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      and a bunch of other people.

   2. TSTom Segura15:01

      You can find them on YouTube. He-

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:02

      Yeah.

   4. TSTom Segura15:02

      He does really good impressions.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:03

      And then he had this character that he created called The Dice Man, and he would put on the leather jacket and, "Oh," and then it became his whole act. It became him.

   6. TSTom Segura15:13

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:14

      S- uh, Sam Kinnison, same thing. He became The Beast, you know? Like he even talked about it, how it kinda like ruined his life. Hunter Thompson talked about that, that he-

   8. TSTom Segura15:24

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:24

      ... he became Gonzo. He became this guy.

   10. TSTom Segura15:26

       Oh, right.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:27

       You know? That, that h- he would, they didn't think of him as just a journalist anymore. He was like part of the show.

   12. TSTom Segura15:33

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:34

       And they always wanted him to be on acid and-

   14. TSTom Segura15:36

       Yeah, yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:37

       ... drunk and, you know?

   16. TSTom Segura15:39

       Yeah. I see Bert having some of that, for sure. For sure.

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:41

       Well, I mean, look at the massive success he's having doing it, which is part of the problem.

   18. TSTom Segura15:46

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan15:46

       You know?

   20. TSTom Segura15:47

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan15:47

       I mean, if you try to go on stage and not take your shirt off now, that's no longer an option, sir.

   22. TSTom Segura15:52

       No, yeah, it's not an option. It's part of the show.

   23. JRJoe Rogan15:54

       That's part of the show.

   24. TSTom Segura15:55

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan15:55

       And you gotta tell The Machine story.

   26. TSTom Segura15:56

       Part of the show.

   27. JRJoe Rogan15:57

       If you don't tell The Machine story-

   28. TSTom Segura15:59

       Yeah, it's like not f- for, I remember, um, early on, when he, when he started to like really move tickets, and I, I was like, "Do you have to, do you tell the..." He goes, "I have to tell The Machine story." I go, "You don't have to. You can do whatever you want." And he was like, "No, I kinda have to." And I go, "You don't." And then I went, I saw him at a show, and I was like, "Oh no, you have to."

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:23

       (laughs)

   30. TSTom Segura16:23

       He's like... They, they really wanna hear it.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   So, you're not supposed…

   1. TSTom Segura30:00

      or maybe in California, those are- that's protected property, like by law, you know that? Like, if you were to go-

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:06

      So, you're not supposed to do that?

   3. TSTom Segura30:07

      But e- and- but, like, that's that person's property by law. If you were to go-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      Oh, the homeless person's property-

   5. TSTom Segura30:12

      Yes.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:12

      ... is protected?

   7. TSTom Segura30:13

      Yes. Absolutely.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:15

      Huh.

   9. TSTom Segura30:15

      If you were to go and try to move that or take that, they-

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:18

       You would get arrested?

   11. TSTom Segura30:19

       Yeah.... yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:20

       Hilarious.

   13. TSTom Segura30:21

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:21

       But they wouldn't arrest you if you shot somebody-

   15. TSTom Segura30:24

       Hmm.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:24

       Maybe you should just go and shoot the homeless people.

   17. TSTom Segura30:26

       I like your ideas.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:27

       Yeah.

   19. TSTom Segura30:27

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:27

       And if nobody claims it... I mean, nobody does anything about violent crime in LA anymore. It's a fucking joke.

   21. TSTom Segura30:33

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:33

       They're just letting people out, you know? That guy that, uh, killed Ted Sarandos' , uh, mother-in-law, he had just gotten out.

   23. TSTom Segura30:41

       Really?

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:41

       Oh, yeah. Real piece of shit. Yeah, just people that are just full-on career criminals, and it's bad. I mean, I don't-

   25. TSTom Segura30:50

       I just read about the guy that... He killed a Subway worker, you saw that? Over too much mayo.

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       Yep.

   27. TSTom Segura30:55

       And he had just gotten out.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:57

       Shot her in front of her da- her daughter.

   29. TSTom Segura31:00

       (sighs) He's a career criminal too.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       Yeah.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Really? …

   1. TSTom Segura45:00

      just go in there on- you know, on a moment's notice and still pull 500, 600 pounds.

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Really?

   3. TSTom Segura45:06

      (laughs) Yeah. Yeah, and he's 50-something years old.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:08

      Chris or Mark?

   5. TSTom Segura45:09

      Chris.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:10

      Damn, that's a lot.

   7. TSTom Segura45:11

      Yeah.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:11

      He's not a big guy.

   9. TSTom Segura45:12

      I know. Strong dude.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       Yeah.

   11. TSTom Segura45:13

       He has that switch.

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:14

       And he has fake hips.

   13. TSTom Segura45:15

       Does he?

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:16

       Yeah, he had his hips redone.

   15. TSTom Segura45:16

       Mark is still s- super fucking strong too.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:18

       Yeah. Yeah.

   17. TSTom Segura45:21

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:21

       But 10 is- you're getting high.

   19. TSTom Segura45:23

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan45:23

       You're getting high-high. Like it's like-

   21. TSTom Segura45:25

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:25

       ... it's a wild high. It's like this kinda high, like-

   23. TSTom Segura45:28

       Well, I feel like-

   24. JRJoe Rogan45:28

       ... "Ooh."

   25. TSTom Segura45:29

       That vial, if I had taken another one, I might be like that too, loopy.

   26. JRJoe Rogan45:33

       Yeah, but that's what it does. It's weird. It's like it has a different effect with low dose than it does with high dose.

   27. TSTom Segura45:37

       Mm-hmm.

   28. JRJoe Rogan45:38

       It's not like- with low dose you get confident and a little pick-me-up, but high dose you get even more confident and more pick-me-up, but-

   29. TSTom Segura45:43

       Sure.

   30. JRJoe Rogan45:44

       ... no, I was high.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:08:29

   Yeah. …

   1. TSTom Segura1:00:00

      home, you get grounded or I'm home.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:03

      Yeah.

   3. TSTom Segura1:00:03

      And he, but he tours a lot.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      Yeah.

   5. TSTom Segura1:00:05

      So what happens is, you know, the party guy's on the road, it's gonna be a fucking party.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:09

      Yeah, he put a post on the Instagram. He c- he texted me too-

   7. TSTom Segura1:00:12

      (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:12

      ... telling me about it. He's like, "I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna do this."

   9. TSTom Segura1:00:15

      Oh, yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:15

       "I got my goals and this-"

   11. TSTom Segura1:00:17

       Oh, yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:17

       ... "and that and this, this." And then, uh, he goes, "But I'm back on the road in two weeks."

   13. TSTom Segura1:00:21

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

       I'm like, "Bitch-"

   15. TSTom Segura1:00:21

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:22

       "... you ain't doing shit." You're gonna have-

   17. TSTom Segura1:00:23

       'Cause I'm getting, I'm getting jacked this month.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:25

       He's gonna have-

   19. TSTom Segura1:00:25

       This month.

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:25

       ... one hard workout-

   21. TSTom Segura1:00:27

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:00:27

       ... and he's gonna be really tired and he's like, "I deserve a drink."

   23. TSTom Segura1:00:29

       (laughs) Yeah. He's crazy.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:00:31

       There's a video of him that he put up on his Instagram and it's, I think it's from him on the podcast, on this podcast, talking about how much he loves drinking. "I'm never gonna quit drinking."

   25. TSTom Segura1:00:42

       Oh, yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:00:42

       He goes, "I love it. I love it." I love when someone says, "Do you want to get mimosas?"

   27. TSTom Segura1:00:45

       He gives a couple speech-

   28. NANarrator1:00:46

       Yeah, yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:00:46

       Yeah.

   30. TSTom Segura1:00:46

       He has a couple of those...

Episode duration: 3:11:13