Joe Rogan Experience #1954 - Bert Kreischer

1. 0:00 – 2:43

   Celebrating Bert’s Austin show: surprise guests and “The Machine” chant

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music) We rolling? Hey, we're up.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:14

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      We're up. Doing a little podcast.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:15

      Oh, what a great fucking night last night was.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:17

      Fuck yeah, it was.

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:18

      Dude, I c- I'm telling ya, I woke up bubbling.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:21

      Yeah, I felt so good. And last night was my first, uh, time in a managerial position.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:27

       (laughs) Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       Like I just came to hang out, make sure everything ran smooth for your show. It was wild, like to be at my own club where one of my best friends is headlining, and all my other friends are opening for him.

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:41

       I w-

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       I'm like, "This is amazing."

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:42

       It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. I'm, I'm, like this is what's crazy.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       (sighs) It's incredible.

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:46

       For... Uh, if you said this 10 years ago, in Austin, Texas, the lineup that was on-

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:51

       I know.

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:51

       ... last night was insane.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       We've been doing that a lot though. That's what's crazy. Like every... These Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday shows that we've been doing out here, they're just stacked.

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:59

       Dude, and then, and then, uh, let's just say highlight of my career, they're telling-

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:04

       (laughs)

   22. BKBert Kreischer1:04

       They're chanting "The Machine," and I go, "I'm not gonna tell it." And they, they start cheering it. And I go, "All right, I'll tell it if Ron White tells his tater salad story."

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       And then he comes on the stage.

   24. BKBert Kreischer1:13

       And, and people didn't even know he was up there.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:14

       Yes.

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:15

       They go fucking crazy.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:16

       (laughs)

   28. BKBert Kreischer1:16

       He walks on stage. I FaceTime Leanne. I FaceTime Leanne 'cause it was like Ron's her favorite comic. Guy in the front row's wa- le- r- recording Tom telling tater s- or, sh- shooting Leanne watching it.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:27

       Yeah.

   30. BKBert Kreischer1:27

       When Leanne's wi-
2. 2:43 – 3:54

   Leanne’s comedy tastes: Blue Collar, Steve Harvey, and Family Feud dreams

   1. BKBert Kreischer2:43

      Well, yeah. I don't, I mean, I remember Leanne t- um, Leanne's a redneck, and when the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came out-

   2. JRJoe Rogan2:49

      (laughs)

   3. BKBert Kreischer2:49

      ... on, and she, we went and watched it in Hollywood at the ArcLight.

   4. JRJoe Rogan2:52

      Oh, wow.

   5. BKBert Kreischer2:52

      And she was fucking... Leanne likes two things. (laughs) Blue, (laughs) that Blue Collar Comedy and fucking Steve Harvey.

   6. JRJoe Rogan3:00

      (laughs)

   7. BKBert Kreischer3:00

      Sh- if she's gonna cheat on me, she's gonna fuck Steve Harvey.

   8. JRJoe Rogan3:03

      (laughs)

   9. BKBert Kreischer3:03

      I can guarantee you. She sends me clips of Steve Harvey. Every morning, there's a clip.

   10. JRJoe Rogan3:07

       That's hilarious.

   11. BKBert Kreischer3:08

       For the movie, when the movie's coming out, uh, uh, they asked us to do Family Feud.

   12. JRJoe Rogan3:14

       Oh, wow.

   13. BKBert Kreischer3:14

       (laughs) And now, Leanne has never pushed our girls into anything, but she said, "Illegraes, Christy, you're doing Family Feud."

   14. JRJoe Rogan3:21

       Oh, that's hilarious.

   15. BKBert Kreischer3:21

       "I don't give a fuck what you say." (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan3:23

       Does Steve Harvey know this?

   17. BKBert Kreischer3:24

       No.

   18. JRJoe Rogan3:24

       That your wife has a crush on him?

   19. BKBert Kreischer3:25

       Oh, she has no idea.

   20. JRJoe Rogan3:26

       (laughs)

   21. BKBert Kreischer3:26

       Have you ever se- had, seen Steve Harvey eat? Someone made like collard green, uh, uh, dumplings or something, and (laughs) he goes, takes a bite, and he freezes and he goes... Now I'm having a black people moment right now. (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan3:39

       Ah.

   23. BKBert Kreischer3:39

       He's the fucking greatest. Leanne's obsessed with him.

   24. JRJoe Rogan3:42

       That's funny.

   25. BKBert Kreischer3:43

       But she's like-

   26. JRJoe Rogan3:43

       Those, isn't it funny that no one has done like a movie tour like that since? You know, they had Kings of Comedy, Blue Collar Tour, and then nothing.

   27. BKBert Kreischer3:52

       No.

   28. JRJoe Rogan3:52

       But those were so successful.

3. 3:54 – 4:34

   Fully Loaded tour mechanics: massive lineups, logistics, and big venues

   1. BKBert Kreischer3:54

      The four people tour is the key. I do Fully Loaded, we bring eight, uh, for Fully Loaded, and like per show, and we menti- we s- we switch it up. Have you heard the lineup this year?

   2. JRJoe Rogan4:05

      No.

   3. BKBert Kreischer4:05

      Lewis Black, Dave Attell, uh, Chad Daniels, Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, Big Jay Oakerson, Dan Soder, Fortune Feimster, Tammy Pescatelli.

   4. JRJoe Rogan4:15

      All on one show?

   5. BKBert Kreischer4:16

      No, no, we split.

   6. JRJoe Rogan4:17

      Oh.

   7. BKBert Kreischer4:17

      Stavros is on it.

   8. JRJoe Rogan4:18

      Oh, wow.

   9. BKBert Kreischer4:19

      We got a fucking sick lineup. It's fucking-

   10. JRJoe Rogan4:23

       Wow.

   11. BKBert Kreischer4:23

       Look at this, look at this fucking-

   12. JRJoe Rogan4:24

       That's amazing.

   13. BKBert Kreischer4:24

       Tiffany Haddish.

   14. JRJoe Rogan4:25

       That's amazing.

   15. BKBert Kreischer4:26

       Jim Norton.

   16. JRJoe Rogan4:27

       That's amazing.

   17. BKBert Kreischer4:28

       Jay Pharoah, Rosebud, Ralph Barbosa. Dude.

   18. JRJoe Rogan4:32

       That's amazing.

   19. BKBert Kreischer4:33

       Yeah, this fucking lineup is.

4. 4:34 – 9:22

   Comedy “beef” and generational gatekeeping: Barbosa vs. Lopez and old-guard jealousy

   1. JRJoe Rogan4:34

      I just found out about Ralph Barbosa. He's a funny dude.

   2. BKBert Kreischer4:37

      He's real funny.

   3. JRJoe Rogan4:38

      I just, I watched some of his clips, and then I found out that there was some sort of a thing with George Lopez.

   4. BKBert Kreischer4:43

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan4:44

      And then so I had a, the little bitch in me started watching some-

   6. BKBert Kreischer4:48

      (laughs) I watched it all too. (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan4:49

      Some fucking beef with George Lopez and Ralph Barbosa. That shit makes me sad. I don't like that st- stupid shit like that.

   8. BKBert Kreischer4:57

      I don't like beef. I don't-

   9. JRJoe Rogan4:58

      I don't like nonsense beef. Like, that, that's the dumbest kinda beef. Like some young guy coming up beef? Like you don't like... And it, uh, I think it's just a misunderstanding, and I think Lopez called him up and...

   10. BKBert Kreischer5:09

       Oh, did he?

   11. JRJoe Rogan5:09

       Yeah, yeah. I guess they talked on the phone or something like that. That's hilarious that I know about this silly comedy beef, but... Dude, he's funny anyway. Barbosa's a funny dude.

   12. BKBert Kreischer5:18

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan5:18

       Got a funny, uh, laid-back style.

   14. BKBert Kreischer5:20

       I think it's just generational. You're talking about like, I think G- George Losa- Lopez is like o- even older than Ralph's parents probably, and so it's just two different styles of, of what you would say Mexican comedy is.

   15. JRJoe Rogan5:31

       I don't think that's what it is. I think it's just that George didn't know who he was.

   16. BKBert Kreischer5:34

       Oh, really?

   17. JRJoe Rogan5:35

       And yeah, like Steve Trevino was on a show and George had brought him up. George brought Barbosa up, and he's like, "Who the fuck is that guy you keep bringing up? Nobody knows who that dude is."

   18. BKBert Kreischer5:43

       Oh, really?

   19. JRJoe Rogan5:43

       Yeah, that's...

   20. BKBert Kreischer5:43

       I just saw the, I just saw Schultz saying-

   21. JRJoe Rogan5:46

       Right.

   22. BKBert Kreischer5:46

       ... someone went up to Barbosa and he was like, "Ah, fuck George Lopez." (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan5:49

       Yeah, I think that's what it was. I think it c- it came from him saying something on a podcast. But I think he was just annoyed with Trevino bringing him, th- the dude's name up over and over again, for whatever reason. I don't know.

   24. BKBert Kreischer6:00

       He's funny as shit.

   25. JRJoe Rogan6:02

       Yeah, he's funny as shit.

   26. BKBert Kreischer6:02

       He's funny as fucking shit.

   27. JRJoe Rogan6:03

       Yeah, it's, you know. That's how the d- nothing-... bothers me more than, like, and I don't think that's what he was doing. I think he was just like, "Who is that guy? Like, I don't know who that guy is."

   28. BKBert Kreischer6:14

       Yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan6:14

       I don't think it was like a, "I, I don't like that guy." I think he just genuinely didn't know who he was. But I th- nothing bothers me more than, like, those old dudes that don't like the young guys coming up. They don't like the fact that young guys are coming up. 'Cause I remember being in that young guy position. I'm like, "Ah, you old cunt."

   30. BKBert Kreischer6:30

       (laughs)
5. 9:22 – 12:12

   Reference gaps and “what counts as old”: kids, media overload, and time compression

   1. BKBert Kreischer9:22

      No. I like a- I like an older woman, too, now.

   2. JRJoe Rogan9:26

      Yeah, I ... Like, imagine dating a girl who's 20 now.

   3. BKBert Kreischer9:29

      Oh.

   4. JRJoe Rogan9:29

      Like, what? What are you talking about?

   5. BKBert Kreischer9:31

      Yeah.

   6. JRJoe Rogan9:31

      Like, when I see Leonardo DiCaprio going out with a 19-year-old, I'm like, "Bro, what do you talk about?"

   7. BKBert Kreischer9:37

      Yeah, what ... I mean-

   8. JRJoe Rogan9:38

      What do you talk about? Unless it's she's the most genius, brilliant, world-traveled, nuanced-

   9. BKBert Kreischer9:46

      Dude, my assistant's 25, and I'll say things to him, and he'll go, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

   10. JRJoe Rogan9:51

       (laughs)

   11. BKBert Kreischer9:51

       Like, he referenced a movie, like Ace Ventura, and he's like, "Uh, uh, what is that?"

   12. JRJoe Rogan9:55

       Right.

   13. BKBert Kreischer9:56

       "Jim Carrey? Who is ... I don't know who that is."

   14. JRJoe Rogan9:57

       Well, Jim Norton was on stage last night, and he had a Three Stooges reference, and no one laughed.

   15. BKBert Kreischer10:01

       (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan10:01

       I'm like, "Jim, you're 55."

   17. BKBert Kreischer10:03

       (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan10:05

       Like, these people do not know (clapping) who the fuck Three Stooges is. Why don't you just say Laurel and Hardy?

   19. BKBert Kreischer10:10

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan10:10

       Like, go even d- deeper into the old school comedy people.

   21. BKBert Kreischer10:14

       Yeah, I c- I couldn't live in that, I couldn't live that life where you couldn't make references to the things you grew up on, you know?

   22. JRJoe Rogan10:19

       Well, you can. You know? It's like the, like, Dennis Miller always used to have references that nobody knew what the fuck he was saying-

   23. BKBert Kreischer10:25

       But we always-

   24. JRJoe Rogan10:26

       ... and you'd catch up.

   25. BKBert Kreischer10:26

       Yeah, but we g- I don't ... Like, th- there ... It seems like the gap of, of experience and what we know is, has, has gotten so closer, where it wasn't that way. That my, my ... I feel like my dad and I still knew all the st- same references, whereas my daughter and I do not. They don't know anything that I've ever lived or experienced. And then they'll say things to me like, "Have you ever heard of the band Tool?" And I'm like, "Are you being fucking serious?"

   26. JRJoe Rogan10:52

       (laughs)

   27. BKBert Kreischer10:52

       "Are you being serious? I buy the guys' fucking wine. You kidding me?"

   28. JRJoe Rogan10:55

       Ugh.

   29. BKBert Kreischer10:55

       And then, like, um, the other day, Isla said to me, uh, "Uh, have, have you ever heard of Alice in Chains?" And I'm like, "Yeah. That was, like, what I went to college to." But I d- but I knew clear- Creedence Clearwater Revival. I knew the Shawnna songs. I knew all the stuff my dad listened to. I knew Sam Cooke.

   30. JRJoe Rogan11:14

       Yeah.
6. 12:12 – 16:53

   Cars then vs. now: classics, timelines, and how modern speed broke the scale

   1. JRJoe Rogan12:12

      When I was in high school, okay? (sniffs)

   2. BKBert Kreischer12:14

      What year were you in high school?

   3. JRJoe Rogan12:15

      1981 was my freshman year in high school. And my freshman year in high school, I remember there was a guy in my neighborhood, um, that had a 1955 Chevy. It was this fucking awesome car, this awesome '55 black Chevy that was, like, in mint condition. And I remember thinking, "Wow, that car is so fucking old."

   4. BKBert Kreischer12:40

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan12:40

      Isn't that wild?

   6. BKBert Kreischer12:41

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan12:42

      But that car was only 15 years old.

   8. BKBert Kreischer12:45

      Wow.

   9. JRJoe Rogan12:46

      That's what's-

   10. BKBert Kreischer12:46

       Oh, wow.

   11. JRJoe Rogan12:46

       ... crazy.

   12. BKBert Kreischer12:47

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan12:47

       That's what's crazy. If you, if you think now about, like, a 15-year-old car, like, I have a 15-year-old car. I have a 2007 Porsche. I love that car.

   14. BKBert Kreischer12:57

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan12:57

       I drive it all the time. But that car's old as fuck, man. Like, in that world, like to kids, when I was in high school, that, like, a, a '55 Chevy was, like, this old classic. Well, that's what my car is. Like the wor- the timelines.

   16. BKBert Kreischer13:13

       That's crazy.

   17. JRJoe Rogan13:13

       The timelines are weird now.

   18. BKBert Kreischer13:15

       'Cause now you look at, like, my favorite car is th- uh, '72 El Dorado, the convertible Cadillac, and that's fucking 50 years old.

   19. JRJoe Rogan13:22

       By the way, I'm, I'm off by 10 years. It's a 25-year-old car.

   20. NANarrator13:25

       25, yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan13:26

       Uh, what, yeah, what I'm thinking about is, uh, that and, um, my mom had a 1970 Barracuda. This is where I'm fucking it up in my head. My mom had a 1970 Barracuda when I was in high school, and all my friends were in loved, in love with it. They were like, "Oh, my God." They would see my mom's car. "That's your mom's car?" This is insane, 'cause a 1971 Barracuda was, uh, like, it had, like, these grille, the front grille looked like a fish, like almost like gills. Like, look at that car.

   22. BKBert Kreischer13:53

       God dammit.

   23. JRJoe Rogan13:54

       My mom had one of those-

   24. BKBert Kreischer13:55

       Jesus.

   25. JRJoe Rogan13:56

       ... in 1981. So I was a freshman in high school, and my mom had had it for quite a while. But, like, that car in 1981 was only 10 years old. It was only 10 years old. So that's a 2013 car. A 2013 car is indistinguishable-

   26. BKBert Kreischer14:17

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan14:17

       ... from a 2023 car. Like, if you see a, a 2013-

   28. BKBert Kreischer14:20

       Oh, yeah, that, yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan14:20

       ... Lexus, like, they're the same. But that to, to, to everybody back then, "Ah, '72 Cadillac."

   30. BKBert Kreischer14:26

       Look at that fucking car. Look at that fucking car.
7. 16:53 – 20:21

   Electric cars vs. racing culture: speed without sound, NASCAR identity, and F1 loudness

   1. BKBert Kreischer16:53

      No, but how come that doesn't, uh, translate over to F1 and NASCAR? Why are NASCAR still u- what, I mean, will there be a Na- a NASCAR electric series at one point?

   2. JRJoe Rogan17:02

      It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound. I think that's part of-

   3. BKBert Kreischer17:06

      It would be s-

   4. JRJoe Rogan17:06

      ... the thing that people like.

   5. BKBert Kreischer17:07

      Can you imagine?

   6. JRJoe Rogan17:07

      Wow, wow.

   7. BKBert Kreischer17:09

      Can you imagine going to a... When Tom and I went to the Daytona 500 and, uh, i- i- it, can you imagine it being silent?

   8. JRJoe Rogan17:15

      All you would hear is the chatter of the fans.

   9. BKBert Kreischer17:18

      That would be so-

   10. JRJoe Rogan17:20

       Just-

   11. BKBert Kreischer17:20

       ... fucking creepy.

   12. JRJoe Rogan17:21

       ... dumb conversations.

   13. BKBert Kreischer17:22

       It's like, have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother without the laugh track on?

   14. JRJoe Rogan17:25

       No, but I have seen Big Bang Theory without the laugh, yeah.

   15. BKBert Kreischer17:27

       Oh, that's it. That's it. That's the one, that's the one I meant.

   16. JRJoe Rogan17:28

       It's rough.

   17. BKBert Kreischer17:30

       (laughs) It's fucking-

   18. JRJoe Rogan17:30

       It's rough. People would get bummed out. I think NASCAR is like, uh, it's a American tradition that's based on moonshine runners.

   19. BKBert Kreischer17:38

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan17:38

       So it's, like, fun. Like, it's fuck- like, you go to NASCAR, you wanna hear the bah. Like, if it was electric, it would seem like it's over. It seems like it's over.

   21. BKBert Kreischer17:47

       Are the F1 cars, are the F1 cars loud?

   22. JRJoe Rogan17:50

       Yeah, they're loud as fuck. Yeah, they're loud as fuck.

   23. BKBert Kreischer17:53

       I mean, but com- comparatively speaking, 'cause I know my sister has a, a Le- what's the Teslan- Tesla.

   24. JRJoe Rogan18:00

       Tesla.

   25. BKBert Kreischer18:00

       Tesla.

   26. JRJoe Rogan18:01

       Yeah.

   27. BKBert Kreischer18:01

       And, uh, those things, I mean, that's, like-

   28. JRJoe Rogan18:03

       Silent.

   29. BKBert Kreischer18:03

       ... scary fast.

   30. JRJoe Rogan18:04

       Yeah, ridiculously fast.
8. 20:21 – 37:38

   Bank collapses, 2008 trauma, and Bert’s dictator-history rabbit hole

   1. JRJoe Rogan20:21

      ... a, yeah. By the way, w- money might be fake now. Money might be falling apart, right?

   2. BKBert Kreischer20:25

      Oh, we have bank-

   3. JRJoe Rogan20:26

      How many, how many banks have collapsed now?

   4. NANarrator20:27

      We got-

   5. BKBert Kreischer20:28

      Wait, that's happening today?

   6. NANarrator20:29

      Sorta. I don't know, I was trying to follow up before we started.

   7. JRJoe Rogan20:31

      How many banks have collapsed? It's very l- at least two, correct?

   8. NANarrator20:33

      Uh, there was at least two, it might've been three. And I don't know what happened today with the...

   9. BKBert Kreischer20:38

      I was on a plane with a guy who was talking about this yesterday.

   10. JRJoe Rogan20:40

       Yeah.

   11. BKBert Kreischer20:41

       So it's, so the Silicon Valley one collapsed, right?

   12. JRJoe Rogan20:44

       Yeah.

   13. BKBert Kreischer20:45

       And so a bunch of Silicon Valley-

   14. JRJoe Rogan20:46

       Yeah.

   15. BKBert Kreischer20:47

       This is like 2008 all over again.

   16. JRJoe Rogan20:49

       I don't know. See, this is part of the problem with being financially ignorant, which is, I am, I don't know, and also being friends with Alex Jones, which I am. Which is fucked, so I get fucking (laughs) -

   17. BKBert Kreischer21:00

       (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan21:00

       ... I get all these videos about-

   19. BKBert Kreischer21:02

       Perfect storm.

   20. JRJoe Rogan21:03

       ... fucking prepect, prepare yourself, it's the end of the world.

   21. BKBert Kreischer21:06

       (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan21:06

       I'm like, "Oh no, Alex, why you freaking me out?"

   23. BKBert Kreischer21:09

       (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan21:11

       Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer21:11

       I, uh, yeah, I- I saw, I was on a plane with this one guy yesterday, and he said that today's a big day. That it's, it's coming down, where everyone's gonna f- finding out if the fucking thing collapses or if we get bailed out.

   26. JRJoe Rogan21:22

       Well, apparently there was a big, uh, run on the banks today too, and people were showing up at the banks trying to withdraw money, which scares the fuck out of people when that kinda stuff happens.

   27. BKBert Kreischer21:32

       That's how Hitler became fucking prime minister or whatever, dictator, is he fucking... I've, I've been watching this thing How to, How to Make a Dictator on, uh, Netflix. Have you seen it? Oh, it's fucking awesome. I am so obsessed with history podcasts and history dictators and whatnot. Do you know who Turkmenbashi is?

   28. JRJoe Rogan21:51

       No.

   29. BKBert Kreischer21:51

       Are you f-... Joe, this is the most fascinating fucking guy in history, right? So Turkmenistan, I think is the name of the country, was part of the USSR, and when the USSR collapsed, he got it. This, this guy who was just a premier and worked, you know, uh, he got the whole country. And he went around and changed rules like fucking crazy. He was a, a dictator, but he was like, he added months so that he didn't get old faster.

   30. JRJoe Rogan22:18

       (laughs)
9. 37:38 – 40:20

   Internet misinformation and virality: Jordan Peterson’s retweet and Bert’s ‘laugh clips’

   1. BKBert Kreischer37:38

      I had to set up a ... You, you've made me f- start a new fucking Twitter account 'cause of something.

   2. JRJoe Rogan37:43

      (laughs)

   3. BKBert Kreischer37:43

      I've been off Twitter for like a year and I had to b- ... Because you sent me something about Jordan Peterson. (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan37:48

      That Chinese dick sucking factory?

   5. BKBert Kreischer37:49

      Yeah. And I had to, I had to sign up for a new-

   6. JRJoe Rogan37:51

      Is that real?

   7. BKBert Kreischer37:51

      ... Twitter account.

   8. NANarrator37:52

      Yes. Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan37:52

      Do we know if that's real? I thought it was beeple. I looked at it. I ... Did they delete it off of Instagram or off of, uh, Twitter? So, uh, Jordan tweets this thing and it's, uh, these guys are lying on hospital beds in some lab somewhere-

   10. BKBert Kreischer38:08

       Ugh.

   11. JRJoe Rogan38:08

       ... with like a robot sucking their dick and they have like COVID masks on, they're just lying on their back-

   12. BKBert Kreischer38:12

       (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan38:12

       ... with their pants off. And I ... So, I sent it to these guys that Jor- that Jordan Peterson actually tweeted it. I'm gonna might have to check in on Jordan.

   14. BKBert Kreischer38:20

       That was a good podcast with you and Jordan recently.

   15. JRJoe Rogan38:21

       Oh, my God. The last one when he was on fire.

   16. BKBert Kreischer38:23

       He was on fire.

   17. JRJoe Rogan38:24

       He's on fire.

   18. BKBert Kreischer38:25

       I don't have that brain.

   19. JRJoe Rogan38:26

       Well-

   20. BKBert Kreischer38:26

       I always want, I always want, uh, like I always want my viral clips to be ... I like w- ... 'Cause you don't get to pick what goes viral for you. Like you got badass viral clips where you're like, uh, you know, like, uh, "Be the person, be the hero in the story you wanna be." You know? My v- viral clips are me laughing at fucking people falling down. Me laughing.

   21. JRJoe Rogan38:44

       Well, I have those too. Me and Theo have a bunch of those.

   22. BKBert Kreischer38:46

       Theo is, Theo's great. Mine are legit just me laughing.

   23. JRJoe Rogan38:51

       Yeah.

   24. BKBert Kreischer38:51

       Just if, if I can get ... If I can laugh, it goes, it goes viral. There's a pic-

   25. JRJoe Rogan38:57

       Mm-hmm.

   26. BKBert Kreischer38:57

       There's a video of me and my dad putting a pizza in a pizza oven. Have you seen it?

   27. JRJoe Rogan39:01

       Yes.

   28. BKBert Kreischer39:02

       It's ... 'Cause it went viral on TikTok.

   29. JRJoe Rogan39:04

       (laughs)

   30. BKBert Kreischer39:04

       And I'm like, I'm not even in the goddamn video. I'm not ev- ... It's just me and him laughing. And we have ... And apparently we have the exact same laugh. We talk, we go, "Whe." That's the fucking disk.
10. 40:20 – 48:44

    BDSM, sex gadgets, and shock stories: dominatrix culture and ‘CEO clients’

    1. JRJoe Rogan40:20

       Can you imagine trusting a robot on your dick? Like, what if it breaks?

    2. BKBert Kreischer40:24

       Oh, no, I've done it.

    3. JRJoe Rogan40:24

       What if it goes wrong?

    4. BKBert Kreischer40:25

       I've done it.

    5. JRJoe Rogan40:25

       Have you?

    6. BKBert Kreischer40:25

       Yeah, of course.

    7. JRJoe Rogan40:26

       With that?

    8. BKBert Kreischer40:26

       No. N- not that thing, but I've had the ... There's a blowjob thing that-

    9. JRJoe Rogan40:29

       That thing looks too strong.

    10. BKBert Kreischer40:30

        Tom and I got a bunch of sex toys for two bears to try them out and, uh, the only ones we tried out were the anal ... We did butt plugs and, uh-

    11. JRJoe Rogan40:39

        Put them in your own butt?

    12. BKBert Kreischer40:39

        Well, we tried. It's really hard to get a butt plug-

    13. JRJoe Rogan40:41

        (laughs)

    14. BKBert Kreischer40:41

        ... in your ass. You'd be shocked. (laughs) It's ... I think, I think I can get them-

    15. JRJoe Rogan40:45

        Some gals have begged to differ.

    16. BKBert Kreischer40:47

        I, I ... Dude, I don't know how they do it. I think you gotta have someone put a butt plug in your ass 'cause I don't think you-

    17. JRJoe Rogan40:52

        Could do it yourself?

    18. BKBert Kreischer40:52

        Uh, it's too hard. I mean, both of us tried pretty aggressively.

    19. JRJoe Rogan40:55

        Oh.

    20. BKBert Kreischer40:56

        But, but one of the things we got-

    21. JRJoe Rogan40:58

        (laughs)

    22. BKBert Kreischer40:58

        One of the things we got was a blowjob machine. It's like a ... It's a electronic blowjob machine.

    23. JRJoe Rogan41:04

        Somebody mentioned that on the podcast once, right? In the ... Didn't they send us some? And we're like, "Get the fuck out of here with this thing."

    24. NANarrator41:10

        We have s- yeah, we have something out there.

    25. JRJoe Rogan41:11

        Yeah.

    26. NANarrator41:12

        Do you wanna try it?

    27. JRJoe Rogan41:13

        No, we don't wanna try.

    28. NANarrator41:14

        (laughs)

    29. BKBert Kreischer41:14

        I mean, ha- bring it in. Let's see what it-

    30. JRJoe Rogan41:15

        This is huge.
11. 48:44 – 1:07:23

    Extreme porn records and relationship boundaries: Annabel Chong and ‘don’t ask body count’

    1. JRJoe Rogan48:44

       There was a doc- I was- I wanted to bring this up earlier 'cause I forgot about it. There was a documentary that they did about this woman who participated in 100-man gangbang. It was, like, an open public gangbang, and she was very intelligent. Like, a very smart person who was, like, a college student at the time. Like, an, uh, an Asian lady, if I remember correctly.

    2. BKBert Kreischer49:08

       Really?

    3. JRJoe Rogan49:08

       Yeah. And she, you know, was kind of relaying what it was like to have all these people inside of her and talking about the fingernails scratching her. 'Cause there was just men off the street that participated in these gangbangs. Like, guys could just sign up and fuck this famous porn star.

    4. BKBert Kreischer49:26

       What, but what, I mean, I, I'm just- help, from a health way.

    5. JRJoe Rogan49:29

       How many of those? Oh, it's just craziness. I don't understand it.

    6. BKBert Kreischer49:31

       She's getting herpes.

    7. JRJoe Rogan49:32

       But there was th- there's this thing that was going on for a while, where there were, there was records to see, like, who had the biggest gangbang. There was another woman who was, like, in competition with her at first. Remember that?

    8. NANarrator49:46

       I remember the Houston 500.

    9. JRJoe Rogan49:47

       That's right.

    10. BKBert Kreischer49:48

        Houston 500.

    11. JRJoe Rogan49:50

        Houston... I think she-

    12. NANarrator49:50

        She ended up being 600, I think, is what at the end of the day.

    13. BKBert Kreischer49:52

        600 men?

    14. JRJoe Rogan49:53

        She fucked, like, 600 different men.

    15. NANarrator49:55

        (laughs) yeah.

    16. JRJoe Rogan49:56

        Yeah. Over a period of, like, many, many hours.

    17. NANarrator49:58

        Yeah.

    18. JRJoe Rogan49:58

        But, uh, I think this other woman did a gangbang movie. See if you can find that movie.

    19. BKBert Kreischer50:04

        Can I see, can I see what she looks like?

    20. JRJoe Rogan50:05

        'Cause it was a movie about it.

    21. NANarrator50:06

        The Houston 500 was the s- the s- uh, the-

    22. JRJoe Rogan50:09

        Right, but that's not the one with the smart lady.

    23. NANarrator50:11

        Okay.

    24. JRJoe Rogan50:11

        The smart lady was, uh, there was a, a documentary about an Asian porn star who did a massive gangbang, but there's like... It just, it was just weird because they, like, if I remember it correctly, it was quite a long time ago, like 20 years ago, but they were talking to her about it, like, what was it, the experience like, and I was like-

    25. NANarrator50:31

        I think this is.

    26. JRJoe Rogan50:32

        Yes.

    27. BKBert Kreischer50:32

        Is this her?

    28. JRJoe Rogan50:32

        Annabel Chong, that's it.

    29. NANarrator50:34

        Yeah, um...

    30. BKBert Kreischer50:35

        Why?
12. 55:02 – 1:07:25

    Success, gratitude, and Joe’s ‘no destination’ principle (plus health as the real wealth)

    1. BKBert Kreischer55:02

       ... if you told me, I would, I would never imagine that I'd be where I am today when I first did this podcast. Like, the first day I did this podcast, and I got in the car with Red Band and I had 3,000 followers on Twitter.

    2. JRJoe Rogan55:14

       (laughs)

    3. BKBert Kreischer55:14

       And I, we were driving home and I was wasted. And I was like, "That was funny as shit." To tell me that I am today w- you know, that I'm in the middle of an arena tour, I have a movie coming out, I have a Netflix special on my fifth fucking special, I, I, I'm just, I, I, I'd never th-... I don't deserve it. I, like, I don't, I don't, I don't feel like I've... I feel like there's so many people so much better than me, I just-

    4. JRJoe Rogan55:35

       It's not about that. You d- you definitely deserve it. And, you know, it's not like so many people deserve it. No, it doesn't exist for them. You'd made a thing. You figured out a path, and you got through, and it's, it's great and people love it. It's like, it's not a matter of whether or not you deserve it. Of course you deserve it.

    5. BKBert Kreischer55:54

       I was lucky. I was lucky in that-

    6. JRJoe Rogan55:55

       Everyone's lucky.

    7. BKBert Kreischer55:56

       ... I fucked up. I, I, I went, I... There's a couple things of advice that I'm really glad I took. The number one, number one bit of a- advice I, that I'm glad I took is when you came up to me at the Icehouse with the, with the whiskey, shots of Jack and, and two beers, and you said, "Hey, we're trying to be your friend. You gotta let us." And I, I did not want any friends. I did not want a fucking friend. I had my kids and my f- wife. I was good. And I remember you were like, "Just, we're trying to be your friend. Just let us be our friend." And I was like, I'm so grateful that it was you that said it in that moment and that I, I listened. Because I, the group of friends I have now is so wide and so thick, and it's because of that one moment, 'cause I, I just was like, "Fuck comics. They're crazy. Fuck famous people."

    8. JRJoe Rogan56:43

       Well, I knew that you had had some bad experiences with some other comics that we know.

    9. BKBert Kreischer56:48

       Yeah.

    10. JRJoe Rogan56:48

        One, one in specific that we know that's out of his fucking mind. And I was like, "Dude, you just, you, you, you met some bad (laughs) people. That's all it is." Like, "we, this is a good group."

    11. BKBert Kreischer56:57

        I remember.

    12. JRJoe Rogan56:58

        Like, "We love you."

    13. BKBert Kreischer56:59

        I remember saying to Red Band, uh, we were at the Improv, this was before I met you, and I said, I kind of met Red Band and I knew Ari. And I said, "So what's wrong with Joe?"

    14. JRJoe Rogan57:08

        (buzzing sound)

    15. BKBert Kreischer57:08

        And they're like, "What?" And I go, "What's wrong with, like, what's he's, is he, is he gay or what's-"

    16. JRJoe Rogan57:12

        (laughs)

    17. BKBert Kreischer57:12

        ... "what's his thing?" And they're like, "What do you mean?" And I was like, I was like, "No one's ever this nice. Like, something's going on. He needs something, he wants something. What's he trying to get?" And they were like, "Nothing." And then Ari did this, like, this little, "Oh, let me tell you... Never paid for a meal around Joe, fly first class, put up nice, treats us right. He's the greatest guy in the fucking world." And I was like, "Hmm, okay."

    18. JRJoe Rogan57:34

        (laughs)

    19. BKBert Kreischer57:34

        "I'll wait till he tries to kiss me and then I'll-"

    20. JRJoe Rogan57:35

        (laughs)

    21. BKBert Kreischer57:35

        "... tell you guys." And then, and then, uh, and then you and Bill telling me that my TV show sucked and I needed to get, still focus on standup. I we- I'm glad I listened to that. It's, like, amazing. If you, if I didn't, I mean, I had, obviously, you know, my respect I have for you, but I have the same for Bill. And that, that-

    22. JRJoe Rogan57:53

        Yeah.

    23. BKBert Kreischer57:53

        And then, and then that phone call you gave me in Vietnam.

    24. JRJoe Rogan57:56

        Well, I was high, and I was in the green room of The Comedy Store.

    25. BKBert Kreischer58:00

        Yeah.

    26. JRJoe Rogan58:00

        And I called you up just 'cause I missed you.

    27. BKBert Kreischer58:02

        Yeah.

    28. JRJoe Rogan58:02

        I was like, "What's he up to?" And then when you answered and you're like, "I'm on a motorcycle! I'm in Vietnam!" It was like an overwhelming voice in my head was like, "You gotta get this guy to quit that fucking show." I was like, "You gotta quit that show." Like, "You have to quit."

    29. BKBert Kreischer58:20

        Yeah, I know.

    30. JRJoe Rogan58:20

        I'm like, "Bert, you're too funny." I go, "You'd be a, you should be a huge standup comedian."

Episode duration: 3:22:58