Joe Rogan Experience #1954 - Bert Kreischer

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music) We rolling? Hey, we're up.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:14

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      We're up. Doing a little podcast.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:15

      Oh, what a great fucking night last night was.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:17

      Fuck yeah, it was.

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:18

      Dude, I c- I'm telling ya, I woke up bubbling.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:21

      Yeah, I felt so good. And last night was my first, uh, time in a managerial position.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:27

       (laughs) Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       Like I just came to hang out, make sure everything ran smooth for your show. It was wild, like to be at my own club where one of my best friends is headlining, and all my other friends are opening for him.

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:41

       I w-

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       I'm like, "This is amazing."

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:42

       It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. I'm, I'm, like this is what's crazy.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       (sighs) It's incredible.

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:46

       For... Uh, if you said this 10 years ago, in Austin, Texas, the lineup that was on-

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:51

       I know.

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:51

       ... last night was insane.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       We've been doing that a lot though. That's what's crazy. Like every... These Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday shows that we've been doing out here, they're just stacked.

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:59

       Dude, and then, and then, uh, let's just say highlight of my career, they're telling-

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:04

       (laughs)

   22. BKBert Kreischer1:04

       They're chanting "The Machine," and I go, "I'm not gonna tell it." And they, they start cheering it. And I go, "All right, I'll tell it if Ron White tells his tater salad story."

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       And then he comes on the stage.

   24. BKBert Kreischer1:13

       And, and people didn't even know he was up there.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:14

       Yes.

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:15

       They go fucking crazy.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:16

       (laughs)

   28. BKBert Kreischer1:16

       He walks on stage. I FaceTime Leanne. I FaceTime Leanne 'cause it was like Ron's her favorite comic. Guy in the front row's wa- le- r- recording Tom telling tater s- or, sh- shooting Leanne watching it.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:27

       Yeah.

   30. BKBert Kreischer1:27

       When Leanne's wi-
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   But what's... Now here's…

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      in timelines. Like, how, how different it is to, like, look at a 1971 car and then look at, uh, at that in 1981, and it was already a classic. And, you know, this 2023 year we're living in, you know, if you look at things from 2000, like, they don't seem that long ago.

   2. BKBert Kreischer15:19

      But what's... Now here's my question.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:20

      It's wei- it's weird.

   4. BKBert Kreischer15:21

      Technology from, like, a 19, say a ni- a 1961 car to a 1971 car, if I'm not mistaken, the '71 car starts having automatic windows and a, and a, and an automatic trunk that goes zoom-

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:33

      Hmm.

   6. BKBert Kreischer15:33

      ... that locks down. The technology from those cars is exponentially bigger, and that, and you look at the, the car you have, your Porsche, compared to where they are today, how, how different is it? I mean, I guess they're fucking electric now.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:46

      (smacks lips) Well, yeah, but no, the, even the, the gas ones, the internal combustion engines, they have better electronics. They have better, uh, suspension management systems. They have better traction control. (clears throat) They do a lot of different things now.

   8. BKBert Kreischer16:00

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:01

      Like cars are... And also, they have, like, warnings to let you know when cars are close and shit. There's a... Cars are pretty fucking incredible now.

   10. BKBert Kreischer16:08

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:08

       They're almost too incredible 'cause they're, they're so fast. Like, a regular car, like that m- like, my mom's car from 1970, that was slow as fuck, dude.

   12. BKBert Kreischer16:16

       Really?

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:16

       Slow as fuck. In comparison to a modern car?

   14. BKBert Kreischer16:19

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:19

       Like, if you get a, like, a regular, modern day, uh, Honda Accord, it would bury my mom's car.

   16. BKBert Kreischer16:25

       Really?

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:26

       Yeah, little four-cylinder piece of shit. (imitates engine revving)

   18. BKBert Kreischer16:29

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:29

       It would bury it. Yeah, those cars are not fast. They're just... They were fast for the time, you know?

   20. BKBert Kreischer16:36

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:36

       And then as time goes on, and now you're living in this weird world where you have, uh, like, the brand new Hummer, which is an electric Hummer, which is this giant SUV that GMC makes that goes 0 to 60 in, like, three seconds. Like, that kind of performance was unheard of in cars.

   22. BKBert Kreischer16:53

       No, but how come that doesn't, uh, translate over to F1 and NASCAR? Why are NASCAR still u- what, I mean, will there be a Na- a NASCAR electric series at one point?

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:02

       It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound. I think that's part of-

   24. BKBert Kreischer17:06

       It would be s-

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:06

       ... the thing that people like.

   26. BKBert Kreischer17:07

       Can you imagine?

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:07

       Wow, wow.

   28. BKBert Kreischer17:09

       Can you imagine going to a... When Tom and I went to the Daytona 500 and, uh, i- i- it, can you imagine it being silent?

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:15

       All you would hear is the chatter of the fans.

   30. BKBert Kreischer17:18

       That would be so-
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   We all sleep in…

   1. BKBert Kreischer30:00

      and then we all have our own buses that we sleep in. So we all get on the road-

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:03

      We all sleep in individual buses?

   3. BKBert Kreischer30:05

      Uh, in... Yeah, we have a girls' bus and a boys' bus, and so... And then we have a party bus. So we all get in the party bus and start driving. We caravan. And then when we all are pretty fucked up, we call ahead. They pull all the buses aside. We all get in our buses and go to bed. And Big Jay had us... I couldn't even tell you why we were laughing so hard on the bus. We were laughing so hard, we had to pull over-... and, and getting on buses. We're like, "We're done, we're done." And Big Jay right before we're about to go to bed, he goes, he says, "One more thing." I go, "What?" And he goes, "Have you seen Jurassic Park?" And I'm like, "Jay, don't start." (laughs) He goes, "Are we just... Are we just conceded that there's dinosaurs now?" (laughs) And I'm crying again. It's the funnest fucking hang. Dude, you should come.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:49

      Yeah. Sounds like a good time. I hope you enjoy yourself.

   5. BKBert Kreischer30:52

      (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:53

      Sounds like a lot of travel.

   7. BKBert Kreischer30:54

      It's a lot of travel.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:55

      Yeah. You're a lot of, uh, away from everybody, and you're on buses all the time.

   9. BKBert Kreischer30:59

      Dude, that's awesome.

   10. JRJoe Rogan31:00

       Yeah, you do that tour thing, where you go out for long stretches of time. I don't do that.

   11. BKBert Kreischer31:05

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan31:05

       I don't like it.

   13. BKBert Kreischer31:06

       How come?

   14. JRJoe Rogan31:07

       Uh, I don't like being away from my family. I don't like, uh, being away from home. I have, uh, obligations. I like to keep, like, a steady schedule. It keeps my mental health in, in line.

   15. BKBert Kreischer31:18

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan31:19

       'Cause the thing about traveling, you get disjointed and disconnected and uprooted. It's something good about that, because it allows you to reset and just think about things in... out of the pattern of your life. But it also... sometimes the pattern of your life is how you create, like, a balance if you have a good pattern.

   17. BKBert Kreischer31:37

       I have zero balance.

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:38

       Yeah.

   19. BKBert Kreischer31:39

       I have zero balance.

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:40

       So you like the chaos of the road?

   21. BKBert Kreischer31:42

       I like chaos. I like the... I love... I mean, first of all, it starts with I love standup.

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:46

       Yeah.

   23. BKBert Kreischer31:47

       I love doing standup. I love it more than anything. Last night was the funnest night of my life because it was all new material, and I was like, "I really have... I h- have a new hour." Now I just gotta... I have the, I have the ingredients. I gotta figure out how-

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:58

       Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer31:58

       ... to put it together.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:59

       Yeah.

   27. BKBert Kreischer31:59

       I need a couple tent-pole stories. But for me, I'm always working to a special. So, like, I... uh, when I started this... this tour, this special that's airing right now, this material started in January 2020.

   28. JRJoe Rogan32:14

       Mm.

   29. BKBert Kreischer32:14

       And so... and then I did the drive-in movie theater tour. I mean, I couldn't sit at home during the pandemic. I was like, "I gotta come up something."

   30. JRJoe Rogan32:20

       Right.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Ugh. …

   1. BKBert Kreischer45:00

      she squirted some sort of lube into the tube and started moving it around inside the latex. And I, and I was bound. I was completely bound. And the second it hit my dick, we had a safe word. It was marshmallow. The second it hit my dick I realized, "Oh, this is, this is ..." The moment where you go, "I can't say no. I'm gonna keep this going." So I was like, "Marshmallow." She was like, "What?" I go, "Marsh- ... Uh, get me outta here. I'm, 'cause if, if you do a little bit more, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say anything and I'm gonna come in this fucking thing."

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:27

      Ugh.

   3. BKBert Kreischer45:27

      "And everyone's gonna be fucking weird."

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:29

      Ew.

   5. BKBert Kreischer45:29

      Yeah, that was a ... But yeah, I don't, I, I, I, I don't mind seeing videos and stuff, but the second I come, I'm like, "I'm fucking done with this. I'm out."

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:37

      Bzz.

   7. BKBert Kreischer45:37

      Someone told me about, uh, the videos of, um, the massage videos where ... I, it was a woman. I think it was might, might have been Nikki Glaser. I don't know. I, sorry, Nikki, if I'm misremembering.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:49

      Nikki's into some weird shit.

   9. BKBert Kreischer45:50

      Nikki's, but she's open and honest about it.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:52

       Yeah.

   11. BKBert Kreischer45:52

       Yeah. I couldn't. I'm into weird shit but I'm not open and honest about it. (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       She's done gangbang videos. (laughs)

   13. BKBert Kreischer45:59

       Really?

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:59

       Is that what you said? she was into?

   15. NANarrator46:01

       No, I've forgotten.

   16. BKBert Kreischer46:01

       I don't understand. I couldn't ... Oh man, I don't understand the whole gangbang thing.

   17. JRJoe Rogan46:06

       Yeah. (laughs)

   18. BKBert Kreischer46:08

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan46:08

       Yeah, I don't get it either. I don't want to watch it. I mean-

   20. BKBert Kreischer46:11

       I can't imagine two dudes with one girl. Like, that-

   21. JRJoe Rogan46:14

       But I could imagine that people are into anything and that people, there's gonna be people that are into that. But if that's like your thing, like, "Where's the gangbang video? There we go. Found my spot."

   22. BKBert Kreischer46:26

       (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan46:26

       You know, if you got, like, gangbang videos bookmarked on your computer. Like, what? You're just hoping to show up where anybody can fuck this person?

   24. BKBert Kreischer46:34

       Oh.

   25. JRJoe Rogan46:34

       And you just pile in?

   26. BKBert Kreischer46:36

       I, uh, Tom and I went to a dominatrix together for a live show one time and, uh, and I'm, I'm game for anything. And LeeAnn's cool 'cause LeeAnn doesn't give a fuck. She knows where, you know ... Adriana Che-Checik offered me and Tom to have a double team on her. And-

   27. JRJoe Rogan46:51

       Jesus.

   28. BKBert Kreischer46:51

       So we called our wives. We're like, "Hey, can we fuck Adriana Checik?" And LeeAnn's like, "Fucking no." I go, "Okay, what if we both wear strap-ons? And we'll fuck him with the strap-ons and we won't ..." And Tom's like, "What are we gonna do with our dicks?" I go, "We're jerking off, Tom. Don't worry." And then she goes ... and then, and then (laughs) and then LeeAnn's like, "No." I go, "What if we turn the strap-ons backward like tails and we fuck her backwards? We're not even looking." And she's like, "No." But, uh, we greenlight this dominatrix thing. So we go, and they do everything. They spank us and they, they, whatever. And then at the very end sh- she tethers our cocks together with this electric, like, shock- shocker thing and starts electrocuting our cocks. And we're tied together. We're ... closer than me and you. We're ... I mean, like we're fucking, like we're moving a chair.

   29. JRJoe Rogan47:35

       This is recently?

   30. BKBert Kreischer47:36

       This was re- ... yeah, this was for New Year's Eve couple years ago.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:07:23

   Mm-hmm. …

   1. BKBert Kreischer1:00:00

      I mean, Joe, it was almost like the day he lost his religion in Judaism. (laughs) He's just like, "That's, that's not fair. Uh, uh, uh, well, uh, what, uh, is anyone else upset by this?" (laughs) But when you get them and you've earned them and the, and it happens quick and it's just (explosion sound) and everyone stands up, that, that's happened a few times to me, and every time I fucking cry.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:22

      Mm-hmm.

   3. BKBert Kreischer1:00:22

      I'm just like, boom, water. I cry easy too. I think I'm fucking... I thank God I'm on testosterone.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:28

      A lot of, a lot of estrogen?

   5. BKBert Kreischer1:00:28

      A lot of estrogen.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:29

      Or something.

   7. BKBert Kreischer1:00:29

      My testosterone levels were so bad that Brigham was like, "I have, I have to call you 'they'." (laughs) (snorts) But yeah, like, those, uh, I never thought I'd, I never thought I'd be where I am. And if it, and if it all goes away tomorrow, I go, "That was a fun fucking ride." It's like riding a horse. It's fucking been a goddamn trip.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:47

      Well, the key is now, with the success that you have, is recognizing that there is no destination. That's what's important.

   9. BKBert Kreischer1:00:54

      There's none.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:54

       Because this thought that you're gonna get somewhere and it's all gonna make sense, no. What, what happens is your motivation shifts. Your motivation shifts from this undesiro- this, this unstoppable desire to make it, then your motivation sh- should shift to doing the best work that you can.

   11. BKBert Kreischer1:01:13

       That was my, my-

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:01:14

       Yeah.

   13. BKBert Kreischer1:01:14

       Last night, last... I'm, I'm, I don't get-... and nervous going on stage, but very seldomly do I prepare, like, prepare, where I go, "Let's think very thoughtfully about what we wanna... Let's, let's turn this into a job and let's work." And last night, I sat down before dinner with you and I wrote every new idea I had down, and I said, "I got my book. I'm gonna... I remember a lot of them I wanna do, but I'm, I'm gonna make sure I hit all of them." Because I was like, there's a chance that, like, Jim Norton... I didn't know Jim would be there, but, like, there's a chance that J- I know that you'll be there. And I go, "These are my peers and I wanna make sure they know that I'm working." Does that make sense?

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:01:50

       Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   15. BKBert Kreischer1:01:50

       The second you see your peers stop working, and I won't say their names, but we've seen them.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:01:54

       Yeah.

   17. BKBert Kreischer1:01:54

       The big comics that just phone it in and-

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:01:56

       Yeah.

   19. BKBert Kreischer1:01:56

       ... and, and, and I go... And I was very thoughtful in my approach to doing standup last night, 'cause I was like, I, I was like, I was like, "That's, that's when it goes away is when you just, when you stop giving a fuck, you stop bringing around the joke book and-"

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:02:08

       That's with everything in life. That's when your marriage fucks up. That's when your friendships fuck up. That's when you're a bad neighbor. That's when you're a bad dad. That's when you're bad at your job. It's, it's when you suck at a sport. You know? I mean, s- a l- a lot of things in life is whether or not you appreciate them, is being in the m- and, and recognizing. Like, when we were kids, when we were starting out doing standup, the idea that making a living doing standup was crazy. Like-

   21. BKBert Kreischer1:02:37

       (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:02:37

       ... uh, we always had jobs, right? Everybody had jobs in the beginning. So you're like, "M- imagine if I could only pay my bills through comedy. That's insane." And then-

   23. BKBert Kreischer1:02:45

       That was my, that was it. That was the goal.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:02:46

       ... when you get there, then you're like-

   25. BKBert Kreischer1:02:47

       Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:02:47

       ... "Oh, how come he's got an HBO special-"

   27. BKBert Kreischer1:02:50

       Yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:02:50

       "... and I don't have an HBO special?" It's like, it's so easy to get caught up in the stupid parts and just not appreciate it. Not appreciate... Appreciate your health. Not appreciate... Like, that's the feeling that I always get if I ever get sick, is that feeling when I get sick, like, "Oh, my God. This is terrible. I am gonna appreciate health so much more as soon as I get better."

   29. BKBert Kreischer1:03:13

       Dude.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:03:13

       'Cause when you feel, like, run down and tired and weak, and you're like, "Oh, no," what is it? What an awful feeling. Like, I have to recognize that my health is a fucking... It's of utmost priority. You gotta be healthy. And don't just think about it when you get sick, because when you're healthy, you think about all kinds of stupid shit. You don't think about, "Make sure you don't get sick." But when you're sick, you're like, "Oh, my God. I've gotta get healthy." Nothing matters until you're healthy. If someone could say, "Look, you could stay sick for the rest of your life, but you never have to work again, you're gonna have, uh, unlimited income, but you're gonna feel like absolute dog shit every day," you'd be like, "No."

Episode duration: 3:22:58