Joe Rogan Experience #1990 - Bert Kreischer

Joe Rogan 0:00 (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

Narrator 0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music)

Joe Rogan 0:12 My man, Eric Kreischer, I love you to death.

Bert Kreischer 0:15 Brother, (glasses clink) I love you way more than you'll ever love me, and you know that. I told you that last night.

Joe Rogan 0:19 (smacks lips) That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.

Bert Kreischer 0:23 You changed my life immeasurably.

Joe Rogan 0:25 You changed mine, too. We changed each other's lives.

Bert Kreischer 0:27 (coughs)

Joe Rogan 0:28 We really did.

Bert Kreischer 0:29 I don't know...

Joe Rogan 0:30 It's so that I- I just get m- too much credit. It's o- all of us. It's like w- we did it all together. We all did it together. Without good friends, n- nobody i- uh, really succeeds-

Bert Kreischer 0:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:42 ... 'cause you don't, you don't appreciate it if it's just you. It's not f- it s- it doesn't seem fair. It seems all fucked up. So-

Bert Kreischer 0:51 I s- I, I, I keep saying to people, you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers.

Joe Rogan 0:56 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 0:56 Like, you g- you got- are you b- if you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes.

Joe Rogan 1:02 Right.

Bert Kreischer 1:02 Someone said to me, "You're always talking like you're not a great comic, that your friends are so much better." I go, "They are. Look at who my fucking friends are. Are you fucking kidding me?" Like, my friends, I surround, I'm s- I surround myself by people that are way better than me, and then I just listen. I don't a lot, not listen a lot, but...

Joe Rogan 1:17 We all rise up together. It's a old expression that the rising tide raises all boats. It really does. It's just f- it's good for everybody. It's like, you want killers around. Like, we got into this 'cause we- we love comedy-

Bert Kreischer 1:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:33 ... and now we're in it. And when you're in it, it's so scary, and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic. And, and people are comparing themselves to other people, and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.

Bert Kreischer 1:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:46 And if you just remember why you got in it in the first place, you got in it in the first place 'cause you love to watch it, and then you did it, and then you got selfish, and you started thinking about yourself. You started thinking about, "I wanna kill," and, "I wanna be better," and, "I wanna be the number one person."

Bert Kreischer 2:00 Watch them where other people are in their career.

Joe Rogan 2:02 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 2:02 And how come I don't have a 30-minute, half-hour special? Ugh.

Joe Rogan 2:04 And people get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life, but in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them 'cause that person's more successful than them.

Bert Kreischer 2:18 Correct.

Joe Rogan 2:18 It makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad. It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff. And every comic used to have that back in the day. Dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic over, and they would, like, do something that would fuck up your set. And he, he was talking about what he did on, on d- Dangerfield's, uh, Young Comedians Special and that someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket the day of, a biker jacket, like, the same jacket that Dice wears.

Bert Kreischer 2:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:48 And Rodney s- stopped it. He put the kibosh on it. But the comics would always do that kinda shit to each other.

Bert Kreischer 2:53 It was like that when I started.

Joe Rogan 2:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:55 It's not like that. I d- it's n- it's l- way less like that now. Like, I, I feel like the amount of, the amount of love I've gotten from com- comics m- this m- th- these last couple weeks promoting the movie, the love I've gotten from them has, like, made me feel good. Like, I get really nice texts from people. Even, I was telling you, and I'm gonna name drop right away, Chappelle was the f- fucking sweetest guy in the world.

Joe Rogan 3:18 He's the nicest guy of all time.

Bert Kreischer 3:20 He was the sweetest guy. I've ne-

Joe Rogan 3:21 He really is.

Bert Kreischer 3:21 Wanted to meet that guy. I w- Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long because he's, uh, he's my favorite. He's m- like, out of all the comics when I moved to New York that I could watch, like, it was Chappelle, the way he did it, it was like watching jazz, right?

Joe Rogan 3:32 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:32 And then a- and then Attell was, like, almost like watching the fucking Phish or, like, The Dead. And you're like, "It's not jazz. I don't know what the fuck that is."

Joe Rogan 3:39 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 3:39 "But it's totally different. I don't understand it."

Joe Rogan 3:41 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:41 Hedberg was like that. Those are the guys that, Giraldo, those were the s- Patrice.

Joe Rogan 3:45 Right.

Bert Kreischer 3:46 But Chappelle was, like, the great white... I called him, I told him that. I said, "You're like a great white shark."

Joe Rogan 3:50 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:51 You don't see, like, you, you walk into a room, and you're like, "Oh fuck, fuck." And he goes, he was like, he was like, man, you, he was very ni- he goes, "You've, you've always spoken very nice about me." And I was like, "Yeah, that's how it works. Like, when you're a cool person, people talk good about you." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:06 Yeah, that should be how it works. But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him. I've seen, I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics. It's like, goddamn it.

Bert Kreischer 4:17 Uh, you know what it is? It's, you said it earlier. It's transactional. It's like they think that it's gonna help put them over.

Joe Rogan 4:22 (smacks lips) Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do g- 'cause s- social interaction is very much like a game sometimes. There's, like, uh, p- moves, and then, then there- there's counter-moves, and there's, like, you're trying to, like, get a better position. And it's, it's like our little social wrestling match sometimes.

Bert Kreischer 4:41 I've seen people do it, like, uh, like, uh, like, when you're in a room full of famous people, there's a couple types of people. There's people that work the room, and then there's people like me who leave the room (laughs) 'cause I go, I go, "This is overwhelming me."

Joe Rogan 4:52 (laughs) This is too weird.

Bert Kreischer 4:53 I'm like, "This is too weird. I'm gonna get too drunk. I'm gonna say something fucked up." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:55 It's too weird. It's too weird. I know, and it's like, goddamn. It's weird to be one. It's weird to be around them, you know?

Bert Kreischer 5:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:08 It's like we've all known each other for so long that, like, we know each other. Whereas, like, you know, you meet someone, and they're already famous, it's like how much do they even let you in, you know? Like-

Bert Kreischer 5:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:21 ... it seems like a weird life.

Bert Kreischer 5:24 It's funny, I remember when, uh, all the fucking, um, Ibermectin and shit was going on with you.

Joe Rogan 5:30 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 5:30 And Georgia was, like, sitting at the table, and she's on her phone, and she goes, "Oh my God, do you know this guy?" And I went, "Yeah." She goes, "Really?" I said, "You do too, dummy." She goes, "Who is he?" I go, "The guy with the chickens." She goes, (gasps) "Oh wait, I like that guy." (laughs) I went, "Yeah. You're looking at your phone like you f-..." Like, and then I think that's what happens is, like, you look at, like, a celebrity or someone, and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside. I know I've been guilty of it. I talked shit about people before just fucking around, just fucking around-

Joe Rogan 5:56 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 5:56 ... 'cause you just don't think they'll never hear it.

Joe Rogan 5:59 Right.

Bert Kreischer 5:59 Like, you know, you know, I'll tell ya, I'll give you a perfect one.... uh, I, I (laughs) used to say that I c- I think I could beat up, uh, Style Bender. If we were drinking, we had to drink the same amount of beers and then get in a cage. We each had to drink 12 beers and get in a cage. And, and, and I ... It was a joke, it was a joke. I was, uh, fucking around with Tommy. I never thought, I never thought I'd meet Style Bender. I never thought-

Narrator 6:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:22 ... that motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand, and, and first of all, he's way bigger than you think. (laughs)

Narrator 6:29 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:29 He's way bigger than you think, okay? See he's, and he's, and his hands are huge and they're soft. (laughs) And the first thing he does, Joe, is he grabs my arm to, like, dap me up and he throws a knee.

Narrator 6:41 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:42 And he grabs me by the back of the neck and goes, "You still think you could fuck me up?"

Narrator 6:45 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:46 And I'm like, "I'm so sorry. I'm so-"

Narrator 6:48 Oh, my God.

Bert Kreischer 6:48 But you know what? You know what? That guy is the coolest motherfucker. Like, the coolest. I mean, he's one of my motherfuckers, where I go, th- he treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world. He treated them as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and, and into, into anime. And he met Jared Hess, the director of, uh, Napoleon Dynamite, was at my show. And, uh, he geeked out. He was like, "Oh, you did Napoleon Dynamite?" And Jared Hess is going, "This is Israel Adesanya. Like, holy shit." And then, and then, Joe ... And I ... Izzy, I'm sorry if I tell too ... I talk too much sometimes. Um, we end up at a bar, at like 3:00 in the fucking morning. And he is ... I'm, I'm faded. I don't know if he was drinking too much at all. I don't even know if he was drinking. It ... And, but we're ... We get pretty, we got pretty lit, in a bar at 3:00 in the morning in New Zealand. And he stands up and I stand up with him, back to back, shirtless, both of us.

Narrator 7:48 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 7:48 And we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist f- Oh, you have it. Oh, this is (laughs) -

Narrator 7:53 What are you challenging everyone in the bar-

7:55 I'll kill every motherfucker in here for this man.

7:58 You want it? You want it? You want it?

7:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:00 Okay. Okay.

Narrator 8:01 Who want it?

Bert Kreischer 8:02 Who want it?

Narrator 8:02 Say a word.

8:03 I'll fuckin' do it.

8:03 Say a word. Say a word.

8:05 What are you doing?

Bert Kreischer 8:06 We're challenging-

Narrator 8:06 You're starting fights?

Bert Kreischer 8:06 We're challenging a bar to a fight. (laughs)

Narrator 8:08 And this is in another country?

Bert Kreischer 8:10 Yeah, this is in another country. (laughs) They've got me now.

Narrator 8:12 Jesus Christ, Bert.

Bert Kreischer 8:13 We were fucking ... Dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world. He goes, he stands-

Narrator 8:20 He literally is.

Bert Kreischer 8:21 He stands up and he goes ... How ... Who has that?

Narrator 8:24 He's one of the coolest guys that's ever lived. It's on his Twitter.

Bert Kreischer 8:26 Oh, it's on his Twitter?

Narrator 8:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 8:27 Oh shit.

Narrator 8:27 Oh, look at this.

Bert Kreischer 8:28 He goes ... He stands up and he goes ... And his first words out of his mouth, "I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here."

Narrator 8:35 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:36 So then you know my shirt comes off. I go, "I'll kill ..." I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit. You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife?

Narrator 8:43 No.

Bert Kreischer 8:43 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Narrator 8:46 What?

Bert Kreischer 8:46 It'll make you cry, 'cause I know how you, much you love your wife. You know, I, uh, y- uh, eh, it w- his na- uh, his wife's name is Marjorie. Is ... I thought Style Bender was doing a Steve Harvey bit. 'Cause Steve Harvey has this moment where he's doing an award show and he hears a song, and he goes, "Ooh, I'm having me a moment." And he goes, "That's our song." And then, and then, it's, and this ... It's a cool moment. He goes, "She's mine. I'll ki-" Oh, this is it. This is it. This will make you cry, man. I, I mean, I get emotional watching this.

Narrator 9:15 If I just had a moment, I'm s- (laughing) And that's me and my wife's song too?

Bert Kreischer 9:21 Oh.

Narrator 9:23 I met her '86, '87 when the song came out. Then God gave her back to me in 2005. (cheering) I put her name on the back. Man, you, you understand me. (mic tapping) That's mine right there. (cheering) Yeah, I own you and you own me. I will kill everybody in here about your ass.

9:49 (laughs)

9:49 Please understand that about the way I love you, Marjorie, Elaine. You understand me? I'll kill everybody in here. I swear to God.

Bert Kreischer 9:58 (laughs)

Narrator 9:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:59 I thought he was doing a-

Narrator 10:00 Ask the Lord.

Bert Kreischer 10:00 I thought he was doing a ... He g- he, 'cause he goes, "Ask the Lord about me. (bleep) " I'll kill every motherfucking idiot. (laughs)

Narrator 10:08 That's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 10:09 I thought-

Narrator 10:09 So you thought Style Bender-

Bert Kreischer 10:11 Style-

Narrator 10:11 ... was doing that.

Bert Kreischer 10:12 'Cause Leanne sends me Steve Harvey clips and she had just sent him. And I thought he must've seen the clip, it must be going viral.

Narrator 10:18 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 10:19 So I thought he was doing Style Bender, so I go, "I'll kill every motherfucker in there. He's mine and I'm him."

Narrator 10:26 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:26 (laughs) We started going ... I thought he was doing Steve Harvey. And so-

Narrator 10:28 Oh, my God. Oh.

Bert Kreischer 10:29 And then we start going table to table, Joe. We go table to table challenging motherfuckers. "Who wants it?" Look, these, look at these big dudes behind him, these big Samoan guys. We're like, "Who wants it? Who wants it?" And then I end up-

Narrator 10:41 Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong.

Bert Kreischer 10:44 (laughs) I w- I was challenging the female tables.

Narrator 10:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:47 Exclusively. (laughs)

Narrator 10:47 What if there was rugby players-

Bert Kreischer 10:49 No.

Narrator 10:49 ... there or something?

Bert Kreischer 10:50 He's the middleweight champion of the world. I'm gonna stand my fucking ground.

Narrator 10:53 Oh, my God, that's so dangerous.

Bert Kreischer 10:55 We ended up, we ended up buying the whole bar shots.

Narrator 10:58 Oh, that's good.

Bert Kreischer 10:58 Three times.

Narrator 10:59 Whoa.

Bert Kreischer 11:00 Filled them up. Fuckin' round them up.

Narrator 11:01 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 11:02 Dude.

Narrator 11:02 That must've been a drunk place. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 11:04 It was. And then he texts me the next morning, like, w- like, boom, he's out. He's out. He didn't ... I don't think he drinks e- as much as I do. (laughs) And that, that dude, I'll tell you, I'ma ride or die for him. He was the nicest. We sat and talked and we just talked about, like ... You know, something really important in life is celebrating. Like, celebrating victories and w- I love the way he does that. I really do. When he has a victory, he goes on, like, a celebration tour and he, and it- and I f- feel like the r- the univor- universe then fucking is set right. Like, I, I, I'm ... Leanne has a phrase. Uh, uh, uh, it's called earn your Mondays. Right? So, like, I'm, I'm gonna get emotional telling this 'cause I, uh, it's a cool fucking thing. It's earn your Mondays. It means bust your ass all fucking weekend, for us, comics. All weekend, all weekend, and do so well you earn your Monday. You don't have to pick up a phone, you don't have to do a fucking thing. You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go, "I earned my Monday." Like, uh, n- uh, Amy Gla- Amy-... Schumer's movie Trainwreck did really well, right? Its opening week. And that's when Leanne said it the first time. She goes, "Man, she earned her Monday." I said, "What do you mean?" She goes, "She did press for two weeks leading up to this. She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets. And she- it's done, and it did well. She earned her Monday." And, and it's a... I think it's might be in Scientology. Like, it might be a thing in Scientology, but when Izzy earns his Monday, like, when after that fight, the way he celebrates life for like two weeks, he goes out. He's in Miami. He's in New York. He's in Vegas. He's in LA. He's in London. Like, he does a tour.

Narrator 12:37 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 12:38 I said to him, I go, "That's really inspirational." Like, u- or the way that you look at life as it needs to be. And he goes, "Yeah, you gotta celebrate. You gotta celebrate these moments." I, I think it's cool as fuck. Wait till you see the fucking bender I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend. (laughs)

Narrator 12:53 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 12:53 You wanna talk about-

Narrator 12:54 How could you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it?

Bert Kreischer 12:57 Dude, I- I... Listen. I'll tell you what. I'm going to rehab. (laughs)

Narrator 12:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:01 I want someone to chloroform me at the premiere, and I wanna wake up a week later. They go, "Your movie did great, Bert. (laughs) Your b- your body's clean. You've been hydrated. You slept." (laughs)

Narrator 13:10 Just keep you on a constant IV.

Bert Kreischer 13:13 Dude, I, I need to say this real quick in- right now. Everyone please go to movie theaters this weekend and see my movie, The Machine. Yeah, please go out of the house. Buy a ticket to a movie theater. That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters. So if you love me or you've ever loved me, you used to love me, you think I'm annoying as fuck now.

Narrator 13:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:31 Whatever the fuck it is, just give me a shot.

Narrator 13:33 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:34 Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast. I would have never told it on stage if this man right here didn't say, "You have to tell it on stage. This is your fucking movie. You need to know him as The Machine. For now on, call out his name at shows. Make him tell that story." I- I leaked the trailer on... This movie was gonna sit on a fucking shelf. Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys. Do it for Joe. (laughs)

Narrator 14:01 (laughs) Do it for me.

Bert Kreischer 14:02 Prove that he's the motherfucker. (laughs)

Narrator 14:03 Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. It's-

Bert Kreischer 14:06 It's a good movie. It's, it's action.

Narrator 14:07 It's gonna be fun.

Bert Kreischer 14:08 It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And, and I- I- and, and I think it's- I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. It's- it's just fucking fun. And I'm- I've been fucking up promo- I was telling you, I've- I've been fucking up promotion for it, 'cause I'm way too honest. I'm not an actor. (laughs) Like, I'm just like... They're like, "What is it? What are the kissing scenes like?" And I'm like, "Rough." (laughs)

Narrator 14:34 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 14:38 We had one kissing scene. (laughs) I w- I didn't know, I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie, 'cause I don't read the action when I read the scripts. I just read the (laughs) dialogue. So I don't read like, you know, "Hey, uh, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet." I just go like... Oh, there, Leanne was in Serbia, and they were like, "Hey, you have a kissing scene today." I was like, "What?" And they're like, "Yeah, y- with your wife." And I was like, "Shut the fuck up." I was like, "Wh- wh- is that cool?" And Leanne's like, "Yes, y- you're an actor." I was like, "Yeah, but I haven't cheated on you in, like, e- ever. Like, I've never kissed someone in 20 fucking years." She was like, "It's just acting." And I was like, "Okay." All I'll say is, uh, the pants I w- was wearing were loose-fitting, and I don't wear underwear. (laughs)

Narrator 15:24 Oh, Bert.

Bert Kreischer 15:25 We did one take, and I was like, "Costume change, please." (laughs) They're like, "What?" I was like, "Ah, I need to change my pants. (laughs) I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude." (laughs)

Narrator 15:35 Oh my goodness, Bert.

Bert Kreischer 15:36 They're like, they're like, "Huh?" And I was like, "I don't know. What the fuck are you supposed to do? You're supposed to kiss someone and then just n- like, how the- how the fuck does that work?" (laughs) You ever kiss someone?

Narrator 15:48 Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.

Bert Kreischer 15:52 No.

Narrator 15:52 No.

Bert Kreischer 15:53 No.

Narrator 15:54 How could it?

Bert Kreischer 15:55 Yeah. I did the first kiss. My, my, my, my wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. We- by the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number of times. And she goes... We do the first kiss, and I'm, and I'm like, "I don't know." I'm, I'm just like, you know. And she's like, "Hey, you know, really go for it. Like, really go for it." And I was like, "For real?" She's like, "Yeah, like, try, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet. Like, kiss me." So I was like, "Okay." I'm not thinking about it. I'm going fucking ba- ba- ba- ba- bam. Walk up. Foom. And as soon as- and then she kissed back, and I was like, "What the fuck is happening? This is different. Holy shit." And then I'm like, "Ah, ah, ah, costume change." (laughs)

Narrator 16:33 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:33 I need tape. I need tape. Like, someone get me ice.

Narrator 16:38 Is that... Are you allowed to talk about that?

Bert Kreischer 16:40 You're not supposed to. You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say... Here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.

Narrator 16:45 What was the kissing scene like?

Bert Kreischer 16:47 You know. Uh, it was good. It was- I would say, it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors. Okay?

Narrator 16:52 Which is true.

Bert Kreischer 16:53 Yeah. Well, it is for some people.

Narrator 16:55 But-

Bert Kreischer 16:55 But it's also a fucking hardcore lie.

Narrator 16:57 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:57 It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie is 'cause you make out with her a couple times. You're like, "That was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like." And then you're laying in bed going, "Hmm. Hmm." And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, "Pass, pass." Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes, kissed her, like, got comfortable kissing her, and then we got in bed in Serbia, and Leanne's like, "Hey, you wanna do it?" I was like, "Beat it, scissor lips."

Narrator 17:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 17:21 I was like, "I'm fucking... (snorts) I'll come back to you when I need to." (laughs)

Narrator 17:25 Oh, how rude.

Bert Kreischer 17:28 My wife's got good sense of humor.

Narrator 17:29 I hope so.

Bert Kreischer 17:30 Yeah. I had the whole fucking- I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not com- I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out, but...

Narrator 17:38 What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's gotta be weird as fuck.

Bert Kreischer 17:43 Um-

Narrator 17:44 Like a story that, like, you kind of have to tell now. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 17:49 Yeah.

Narrator 17:49 Like, if you do a show, if you do a show and you don't tell The Machine story, people will get angry at you.

Bert Kreischer 17:54 Oh, they, but they did it when we- last time I was here.

Narrator 17:57 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 17:57 We were up here, and they started chanting, "The Machine."

Narrator 18:00 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:00 And I was like, "Guys, I'm- I'm at the comedy mothership. I'm just did an hour 15," and that was the best- that was one of the cool- that's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top, and I go, "I'll tell...... I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad, and the place is like, "Ron White's here?" And then, and Ron's like, "Fuck it, I'm coming down."

Joe Rogan 18:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:21 Ron White comes on stage and tells Tater Salad. I go to tell the machine and realize, I can't follow Tater Salad. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:27 The best story ever told. So, it's surreal having your movie, your life turned into a movie. It's surreal. Like, it is like, it was emotional at times, and then it's, and then it's weird 'cause you, you feel, I feel very vulnerable, you know, like, 'cause some of the questions people ask, they're like, uh, they're not, they don't, they like, they ta- they put teeth in it. They're like, "So you rob people?" And you're like, "Pfft, okay."

Joe Rogan 18:48 Jesus Christ.

Bert Kreischer 18:49 Jesus Christ. "So you, you approve of what the mafia does? You're like into the mafia?" And I'm like, "Hey man, can we not make it surreal? Like, you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss. Let's fucking just-

Joe Rogan 18:58 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 18:58 ... make it regular, like Good Morning America." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:03 (laughs) So they got upset with the premise?

Bert Kreischer 19:07 They were just like, they like, they, they read half of it and then they're like, "So you- you're in the mafia?" And you're like, "No, uh, it's a little more complex than that." "But no, but you like got welcomed into the mafia?" And you're like, "N- yeah, like that kind of," it's, uh, it's better when you hear the whole story. I think I tell it a little different. And they're like, "And you robbed your friends. Are they cool with you now?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, some of them are coming to the premier." They're like, "Fucking Jesus Christ, let- let's, can we move to the next subject?"

Joe Rogan 19:33 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 19:33 "I don't believe in vaccines." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:39 (laughs) Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 19:41 Yeah, it's been, it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached. Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like fans of mine. Like, and I, and I, and I know that sounds like bad, but like, you're always, like when you look at your audiences, they, I, my audience kinda looks like the same one thing, guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve, they all have beards, they're all a little overweight. Like, that's my fan base.

Joe Rogan 20:11 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 20:11 And I like, I, I literally go, "Hey man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor, some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers." Not Lipitor. I know we're talking about statins. But, um, but like, I know, like I know my fan base. And then you get like dudes who are like, "I fucking love you." And like, like Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood. I was like, "Y- you know who I am?" He's like, "Yeah, why wouldn't I?" I was like, "I don't know. I just didn't think." You know, like Nory from Drink Champs. He's like, "Dude, I'm the b-" he goes, "I told my wife, we, you get, we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like, 'You mean the big fat white guy with, that takes his shirt off?'" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 20:47 And you're like wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics. It almost like you wanna, it's like fake. And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself, that's when you appeal, that's when you're the most appealing. Does that make sense?

Joe Rogan 21:02 It does make sense, yeah, because it's hard to do. It's hard to do publicly.

Bert Kreischer 21:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:08 It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly.

Bert Kreischer 21:12 Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself, to be yourself publicly, you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix.

Joe Rogan 21:19 Oh my God, for sure.

Bert Kreischer 21:20 You start going like, "Yeah, I don't wanna..." Like, like secret time, uh, well, this will air, this will, it'll be fine. The premier's tomorrow. I'm flying back tonight for the premier. The premier list is fucking thick. It's fucking thick. It's got fucking, it's like, it's, it's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg, porn stars, and fucking radio DJs. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:42 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:42 A couple pro surfers, like it's my algorithm, my watch dealer. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:47 So the, um, but, uh, like Mark Hamill was like, "Are you gonna stay for the, and watch the movie?" And I was like, "Are we not supposed to?" He's like, "I'm not gonna watch myself on screen." And I was like, "Why?" And he's like, "Al, are you being serious?" He's like, "You wanna just, you want me, sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself?"

Joe Rogan 22:06 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:08 I was like, I was like, "Hey Mark, secret time, I'm gonna cry watching myself."

Joe Rogan 22:12 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:12 I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna mouth my, my lines. I did that when we did the first testing of the movie. They sat me in the front row. I had two bottles of wine. I sat with LeeAnn. I had a notebook. I was supposed to write things in for notes. The movie starts and I start bawling crying. I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically. I'm like, I loved, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like. It was like the craziest thing. So we go to the next screening and, uh, Kale, our producer, pulls me aside and he goes, "Ah, I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back." I said, "What?" And he goes, "It'd kind of affect the way people watch the movie." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:47 I said, "What do you mean?" He goes, "I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay." (laughs) He goes, "Fucking sit in the back." So I, next time I sat in the back, but I get emotional watching the movie 'cause I, I feel like, I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel. Like, I remember doing all these things and now they're all c- cool and so I was like, "I don't know, I guess, um, I don't know. Dep- I think I'll watch the movie. I guess I would." But Mark's not gonna watch it, secret time.

Joe Rogan 23:12 Well, that's not very secret, and, uh, I get both perspectives. Like you made it why, it seems weird that he would like, he's trying to like enforce that on you.

Bert Kreischer 23:23 No, no, he was just like, he was like, "You're cool with that?" Like I, I've heard a few people like-

Joe Rogan 23:28 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 23:28 ... like, like there are people like, "Do you listen to your own podcast?" "No." "Okay, I can throw on an old-"

Joe Rogan 23:33 But I, um, I might if it's like, uh, if like it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I, I'm gonna try to implement whatever they're talking about.

Bert Kreischer 23:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:42 So maybe with those I would listen to it again, just to try to remember-

Bert Kreischer 23:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:46 ... and write shit down, you know, 'cause he, he, he gives you so many different like beneficial things. It's like y- you have to kinda go back and w- write them down and try to keep track of them.

Bert Kreischer 23:58 Like there's certain people who can listen to their own pod, like I can throw on an old Two Bears from during the pandemic.

Joe Rogan 24:03 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 24:03 And I will, it, it can, it'll like, it's like a warm blanket. I go, "I remember that day. I remember that." Like I, it's fun. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna sit and watch myself in the movie theater. I wanna hear, I wanna see 750 people.

Joe Rogan 24:14 Why not?

Bert Kreischer 24:15 Yeah, right? Here's my-

Joe Rogan 24:16 It's a good movie.

Bert Kreischer 24:17 Can I tell y-

Joe Rogan 24:17 Dude, it's just weird that people would think that that's weird. (laughs) ... it's like, of course you want to see your movie.

Bert Kreischer 24:24 Yeah. Well, it's, it's-

Joe Rogan 24:24 You want to see people see your movie too.

Bert Kreischer 24:26 They said to me, "When are you getting to the red carpet?" And I said, "Well, well, the movie starts at 7:00, and the red carpet opens at 3:00, so maybe, like, 2:30?" And they're like, "Wait, what do you mean?" I go, "It's my... It's the premiere of my movie. I wanna be on the red carpet th-... as long as I can." And they're like, "No, you need to show up at, like, 6:00, and then you're the last one on." And I went, "Wait, I'm gonna miss all the people?" Like, I thought I'd be like, "Hey, welcome to the red carpet," you know? Like, "It's so good to see you. Oh, shit."

Joe Rogan 24:49 Right.

Bert Kreischer 24:49 Give them a hug and see people. And they're like, "No, you're, you're, uh, y- you're in a movie now. You need to be like..." And I was like, "Oh, that's not how I'm gonna do it."

Joe Rogan 24:57 Huh.

Bert Kreischer 24:57 So I changed the red carpet. I changed it.

Joe Rogan 24:59 Really?

Bert Kreischer 25:00 Yeah, I fucking just changed it. I was like, "That, that's not how we're doing it. We're doing it like waste management. It's a fucking party." People are drinking beers. Fans have access. Let's fucking throw back, and I'm gonna be here the whole time. I'm gonna fucking host it. I don't give a shit. Like, I'm gonna fucking party. If, if Snoop Dogg comes walking down the red carpet, you don't think I'm gonna run over, take a picture with him? Come on. You know me, Joe. I am not, I am not... I'm not, I'm not like a-

Joe Rogan 25:22 Play-it-cool guy.

Bert Kreischer 25:23 I'm not a play-it-cool guy. I don't know how to play it cool.

Joe Rogan 25:25 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 25:25 I do it the way I do it. I like it. You only get one run at this fucking life.

Joe Rogan 25:29 Yeah, also, like, fuck playing it cool.

Bert Kreischer 25:32 Dude-

Joe Rogan 25:32 Like, just be whoever you are.

Bert Kreischer 25:33 Do you know what it was? I was... I've been trying to work this as a bit a little bit, but I can't. Um, I, I had a weird morning. Uh, no, no shade on anybody. I had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour. Like, i- in Santa Monica. It was really crazy. Now, I watched two, arguably, movie stars, movie stars, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton, interact in public. Edward Norton's cool as fuck. He's... Dude, Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever, the one where he plays the two... the guy with the two accents. That's fucking... He's an awesome dude. But when I recognized him and I gave him energy, like, when I recognized him, you could see him just be like, "Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, cool." Like just kind of like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah." Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he gets recognized, he gives you... he matches your energy. He gives you the thing you want, the moment you want. When he, he comes up on TV and people go, "I met Arnold Schwarzenegger," they go, "How was he?" Not one per-... Well, there's g-... Maybe, I'm sure there's people that say bad things, but, like, everyone I met, when I watched him interact with people, fucking loved him. He was the coolest dude. He was... You know what he was, Joe? He was like a movie star. He was like a, a g-... Like, he brought the, like, 1980s, "Hey. Ah, it's good to see you. Hey, Bart, come here. Let me tell you..." I'm bad at accents. But he's like-

Joe Rogan 26:55 Can I just tell you, I think y-... With some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off.

Bert Kreischer 27:05 You could be there like-

Joe Rogan 27:06 And they're like, "Ew, I gotta get outta here." (laughs) You know, you just... 'Cause you're like, "Oh, my God, it's fucking Ed Norton."

Bert Kreischer 27:11 I went like this, Joe. I went-

Joe Rogan 27:13 Yeah, exactly.

Bert Kreischer 27:14 I started clapping.

Joe Rogan 27:14 Like, dude, that guy can't handle that.

Bert Kreischer 27:16 (laughs) He... Poor guy was like... And I tagged him in the Instagram.

Joe Rogan 27:18 He's a really nice guy. I, uh-

Bert Kreischer 27:19 He's a... He, he-

Joe Rogan 27:20 I had him on the podcast. It was re-... He's really interesting.

Bert Kreischer 27:22 Wait, for real?

Joe Rogan 27:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:24 Dude, he's a... He is the... He is... He's my Hulk.

Joe Rogan 27:28 He's the best Hulk.

Bert Kreischer 27:28 He's the best Hulk.

Joe Rogan 27:29 The best Hulk.

Bert Kreischer 27:29 He's the best Hulk.

Joe Rogan 27:30 Yeah, he's the best Hulk.

Bert Kreischer 27:31 Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know the movie I'm talking about?

Joe Rogan 27:33 But that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good too, pretty fucking good.

Bert Kreischer 27:37 I wouldn't mind... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:38 It's a fucking toss-up, dude. It's a toss-up. In the Avengers-

Bert Kreischer 27:42 Ed, Ed Norton's my guy. When Leanne dumped me, when Leanne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again. When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, Where is My Mind, and he's singing (singing) and the building, buildings are cram- crumbling-

Joe Rogan 27:57 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:57 ... Ed Norton's my motherfucker. He's a dude... I love that guy. But you're right. My energy might've fucking freaked him out. I freaked out Tom Cruise real bad.

Joe Rogan 28:04 (laughs) You probably freak people out, man. You probably freak people out. You got a lot going on. There's a lot happening. It's all positive, but it's like-

Bert Kreischer 28:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:12 ... for some people, it's like there's too much sensory input here.

Bert Kreischer 28:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:16 I gotta get outta here.

Bert Kreischer 28:18 Uh, Leanne says I cast a large wake.

Joe Rogan 28:20 That's a good way of putting it. That's a div-... a healthy way of putting it.

Bert Kreischer 28:23 Yeah. It was... I had... It was really tough doing the movie 'cause e- everyone was fucking Eastern European. And my sense of, my sense of humor is not Eastern European.

Joe Rogan 28:33 Did they understand?

Bert Kreischer 28:34 No.

Joe Rogan 28:35 No?

Bert Kreischer 28:35 No. They thought... They... The words, I guess... And when you t-... I'm... Look, I'm not an expert, but the words in, like, in the Slavic language, whatever they speak in Serbia, to explain me, the words they use are, like, unpredictable, (laughs) um, explosive. Like, I think those are the words that you would use, that personality. And they're also like, like, uh, like, there was a scene in the movie with my, my, my costar that is... In order to do it, she had to be put into, like, a, a cast, and, like, she couldn't move. And she wasn't comfortable doing it with me 'cause the words to describe me are, "He's unpredictable. You don't know what he's gonna do." I, I think in Amer-... In English, we have s-... I th-... I just think our... This is horrible thing to say, but I think our language is more slangy, so we get things a little easier. I, I know when I was in Russia, they didn't have a lot of slangs. Like, that wasn't their thing 'cause w-... you know, in a communist government, you want to make sure your words mean what you say.

Joe Rogan 29:29 Right.

Bert Kreischer 29:30 So they don't like... That's why the... It's funny when I said I was the machine 'cause it's... Uh, they don't... It's very... That's... It's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone. "You're a car?" And then you're like, "Yeah." And then, "He's, he's a car. He's a machine. He's the machine." Like, it was just funny that I would say that 'cause they don't... Slangs aren't their thing. So she didn't want to do the scene with me.

Joe Rogan 29:51 Oh, isn't... Yeah. Isn't that ex-... Doesn't that mean car in, in Russian?

Bert Kreischer 29:56 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:57 La-... Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 29:57 Я машина.

Joe Rogan 29:57 La machine. Right.

Bert Kreischer 29:59 And, and I s-... I just walked in the door and said, "I'm a car."

Joe Rogan 30:01 That's... Isn't that is... In the... That's in John Wick too.

Bert Kreischer 30:05 Yeah, I think it might be.

Joe Rogan 30:06 When he calls the dude up and says, "You have la-... La machine?" You have my, my car? Remember? That's the, the scene where she's got the fucking '69 Mustang.

Bert Kreischer 30:16 Dude, let me tell you something. Keanu Reeves, that's the motherfucker. When you... After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, "Uh, that's...... learning the ballet. Like, that guy, those things he does in that movie, they're, they are... I, I would argue, I would, it would be cool. I, I, like, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you go... That would be a cool thing, to see you do one of the John Wick sequences. Like, would you, would... Does that interest you at all? Those, like, badass sequences that he does?

Joe Rogan 30:52 Like, movies? Is that sort of thing? What are you saying?

Bert Kreischer 30:54 No, no, no, no, no. Just, like, just for, like, to fun. Like, you know we go out and we shoot with Taron?

Joe Rogan 30:57 Uh-huh.

Bert Kreischer 30:58 And, like, we learn the John Wick guns and stuff?

Joe Rogan 31:01 Right.

Bert Kreischer 31:01 If they had a class where you could just go, "Hey man, for, like, this week, we're gonna teach you a John Wick sequence just to, just see if you could learn it." 'Cause it's really co-... It's a simple-

Joe Rogan 31:10 Very complex.

Bert Kreischer 31:11 A very simple fight scene. I punched, like, three dudes on our movie, 'cause I don't, I just am not... I get overexcited and I just would punch them. And, but they were, like, cage fighters, so they're like, "I don't give a fuck. Just hit me. And if you... I'd rather you hit me than it not look good."

Joe Rogan 31:24 Right.

Bert Kreischer 31:25 But that, what John, what John Wick does? I couldn't do that. That's like, somersaults and sliding your leg underneath people's legs to f- to leverage them? That's f-

Joe Rogan 31:37 No, in the f- especially in the first movie.

Bert Kreischer 31:39 Look at this.

Joe Rogan 31:40 In John Wick 1-

Bert Kreischer 31:42 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 31:42 ... that scene where he goes through the disco, the Red Circle Club?

Bert Kreischer 31:45 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 31:46 That fucking scene is insane.

Bert Kreischer 31:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:49 I mean, it d- but here's what's weird about it. (sighs) Look, I love that movie.

Bert Kreischer 31:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:57 But why? It's the sexy assassin that you root for. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:04 It's this... The whole thing's, like, have we forgiven his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed?

Bert Kreischer 32:12 (stammings)

Joe Rogan 32:12 Like, he was the guy you sent in to kill people. It's the weirdest sort of hero that's ever existed.

Bert Kreischer 32:19 So-

Joe Rogan 32:20 'Cause it's so satisfying because they killed his puppy.

Narrator 32:24 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:24 Dude.

Joe Rogan 32:25 They killed his puppy.

Bert Kreischer 32:25 I thought you were gonna say that. That's why we like him-

Joe Rogan 32:26 They killed his puppy.

Bert Kreischer 32:27 ... is 'cause his dog, his dog.

Joe Rogan 32:28 Bro, it's the, one of the fucking greatest scenes-

Bert Kreischer 32:31 You stole my car.

Joe Rogan 32:32 ... ever in a movie that sets, sets up what the movie is about. When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son and he says, "What? I stole a fucking car." And he punches his son in the stomach and then he, he pops open the liquor and he goes, "My son, it's not what you did. It's who you did it to."

Bert Kreischer 32:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:52 And he goes, "Who? That fucking nobody?"

Bert Kreischer 32:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:55 And he just goes, "That fucking nobody is John Wick."

Bert Kreischer 33:00 John Wick.

Joe Rogan 33:01 It's one of the greatest fucking scenes ever-

Bert Kreischer 33:02 Oh, wait, wait, wait. Can you play the audio again?

Joe Rogan 33:03 ... to set up how, how the movie's gonna set up.

Narrator 33:05 That's a nice jacket.

33:08 Thanks.

33:08 Yeah. (punching sound)

33:12 Oh.

33:13 (speaks in Russian)

Joe Rogan 33:18 Like, in this scene, you're going, "What the fuck is going on?"

Bert Kreischer 33:20 Yeah.

Narrator 33:21 Should I go?

33:22 (Russian)

33:26 They go. English, please. Come on.

33:27 Stay, goddammit.

33:29 What did I do?

33:31 (Russian)

33:32 We did what you asked. No one saw shit.

33:41 I'm not talking about Atlantic City, you know?

33:45 What the... You mean Aurelio's? So I stole a fucking car.

Bert Kreischer 33:50 Oh.

Joe Rogan 33:51 Oh.

Narrator 33:51 That's right. You stay. It's not what you did, son, that angers me so. It's who you did it to.

34:20 Who? That fucking nobody?

34:24 That fucking nobody is John Wick.

Bert Kreischer 34:30 Dude, what a cool fucking scene.

Joe Rogan 34:32 What a fucking cool scene.

Bert Kreischer 34:34 Look at this. Oh, fucking look at this.

Joe Rogan 34:35 Now you realize the sexy assassin.

Bert Kreischer 34:36 My movie's not this good, Joe.

Joe Rogan 34:38 Assassin.

Bert Kreischer 34:38 It's not this good.

Joe Rogan 34:39 (laughs) The sexy assassin. You just-

Bert Kreischer 34:42 Look at his body.

Joe Rogan 34:44 ... you just-

Bert Kreischer 34:44 He looks-

Joe Rogan 34:44 ... awoken the sexy assassin.

Bert Kreischer 34:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:49 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:49 My movie might be the exact opposite of this. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:51 This is fucking... The scene gets even better. Get the... The whole thing is like, when they explain who John Wick is.

Bert Kreischer 34:58 Keanu's some... That dude.

Joe Rogan 35:00 That fucking movie was so fun. But it's like, why is that fun? Why do you root for him? Why are you move, rooting for this guy that just killed everybody over his dog?

Bert Kreischer 35:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:08 It's like, just to get to this one guy to get revenge.

Bert Kreischer 35:12 That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones.

Joe Rogan 35:15 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 35:15 He plays a bad guy-

Joe Rogan 35:16 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 35:17 ... so good.

Joe Rogan 35:18 Yes. He does. The Game of Thrones character. Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 35:22 That, I don't, I don't... I, I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones.

Joe Rogan 35:30 (inhales deeply)

Bert Kreischer 35:30 Spoiler alert.

Joe Rogan 35:33 (slurping sound)

Bert Kreischer 35:34 Were you a Game of Thrones guy?

Joe Rogan 35:35 Loved it.

Bert Kreischer 35:36 Do... Were you a House of Dragons guy?

Joe Rogan 35:38 I love both.

Bert Kreischer 35:39 Uh, me too.

Joe Rogan 35:39 Yeah, they're great.

Bert Kreischer 35:40 I love that.

Joe Rogan 35:41 They're both great.

Bert Kreischer 35:42 Yeah. Oh, they're so fun.

Joe Rogan 35:43 They're, they're both really good. I mean, you just, you can't fault it. Super solid. I, I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though.

Bert Kreischer 35:51 Dude.

Joe Rogan 35:52 You know, those, th- that has gotta be, like... Game of Thrones is... It must be, like, one of the most complex shows to ever choreograph and film the CGI and... The, it's a movie. You're making a movie every week.

Bert Kreischer 36:05 Yeah. Man, the, the woman that plays Cersei in that-

Joe Rogan 36:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 36:10 ... is so beautiful.

Joe Rogan 36:11 (groans)

Bert Kreischer 36:12 She's just like, I mean...

Joe Rogan 36:14 (groans)

Bert Kreischer 36:15 I mean, one of just, just a stunning... I've, I've gone, I've gone to her, like, like, Googled her name. I forget her name, but you, I've Googled her and just looked at pictures of her. And she's got a little space between her teeth. Muh... Man, quit with the fucking fixing what you think is your flaw. Flaws are so fucking sexy.... flaws are s-... I... LeeAnn fixed one of her flaws, and I fucking hate it. She had a little hole, like, a dilated pore hole right here on her cheek, and I loved it. I fucking loved it. It made her look unique. I loved it. Had a little crooked tooth. The, oh, whoa. I'll stop talking about my wife. Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 36:46 Jesus, Bert.

Bert Kreischer 36:47 Lena Headey.

Joe Rogan 36:48 Jesus. Keep it together, Bert. Yes, beautiful lady.

Bert Kreischer 36:51 Sh- she was in-

Joe Rogan 36:52 Hell of an actress.

Bert Kreischer 36:52 She was in fucking 300.

Joe Rogan 36:56 Mm. That's right.

Bert Kreischer 36:58 She is.

Joe Rogan 36:58 300 was the shit.

Bert Kreischer 37:01 Yeah, I'm not one of those. Like, I, I'm not... I couldn't do, like, I couldn't do other people's movies. I could just... I just wanna be a movie star.

Joe Rogan 37:08 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 37:10 I wanna do Fat Astronauts.

Joe Rogan 37:11 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 37:12 If this movie does well... You guys, if The Machine does well this weekend, we're getting a green light on Fat, Fat Astronauts Monday. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:18 Well, I think it's gonna do awesome.

Bert Kreischer 37:20 I hope it does. I hope it does. I hope people-

Joe Rogan 37:22 It looks fun. Everybody's gonna love it. It's gonna be a good time.

Bert Kreischer 37:26 Go out to the movie theaters, everybody. Go to themachine.movie, get your tickets, and go enjoy the movies this weekend.

Joe Rogan 37:32 How many movie theaters got hit real hard because of the pandemic?

Bert Kreischer 37:36 A lot.

Joe Rogan 37:37 Must be most of them, right?

Bert Kreischer 37:39 Yeah, the... What really sucks are the mom and pop ones. Like, so-

Joe Rogan 37:42 Right.

Bert Kreischer 37:42 ... there's the mom and pop ones, usually in, like, uh, Asian communities that do Asian films-

Joe Rogan 37:48 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 37:48 ... you know? Like, the, for... You know, like, um, I know there's one in Korea I just read an article about that, uh, is fighting to stay around because it do-... It's, it's in Little Korea or Koreatown, and it just does... And it's a mom and pop. Like, their, their concession stand looks like you're at a, you're at a concession stand-

Joe Rogan 38:04 Hm.

Bert Kreischer 38:04 ... like, at a ballpark, like, at a, like, a Little League ballpark. And those... I think those are the ones that took the big hits 'cause they, they do have high rents 'cause they're big spaces, but they don't have a company behind them to support them.

Joe Rogan 38:15 Right. That makes sense.

Bert Kreischer 38:16 Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid.

Joe Rogan 38:20 Oh, really? Where's that?

Bert Kreischer 38:21 Ah, fuck, I don't listen well.

Narrator 38:23 He said it. It was in, uh, Jersey, right?

Bert Kreischer 38:25 It was in Jersey.

Narrator 38:27 S-... It would... Used to be a two screen, now it's a five screen. I heard him say something like that.

Bert Kreischer 38:29 We're gonna do a screening of The Machine out there, uh, I think this coming month.

Joe Rogan 38:33 Kevin Smith was the one of the first guys to figure out to do... He l- he, he, like, had a theater to do his podcast in. Remember?

Bert Kreischer 38:40 I... We just did a Two Bears, me and Kevin, uh, like he was a guest bear. And-

Joe Rogan 38:44 (laughs) Guest bear.

Bert Kreischer 38:45 And he, uh (laughs) ... He, um, he walked me through it, and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing 'cause then I, I tr-... I, I, I... It's almost like imagine if our two timelines were like this (fingers thumping) , but he was doing it, like, 10 years before that.

Joe Rogan 39:01 Hm.

Bert Kreischer 39:01 Like, doing theaters, doing his podcast, doing that, and then all of a sudden, he's like, and then, a- a- and then Corona got his podcast. I'm like, "Wait, wait. Hold on. You were doing theaters and stuff?" And he was talking about the money they were getting at those times. It was like, he was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it.

Joe Rogan 39:18 No kidding.

Bert Kreischer 39:19 Yeah. Kevin Smith, man. He said, he goes, "What?" 'Cause, you know, he was like complimenting me that I was doing well. He goes, "What's the secret?" And I go, "The secret is watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today." (laughs) He's a badass dude.

Joe Rogan 39:33 He's a very cool guy. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 39:34 He changed... Him and that group changed cinema forever. I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in, in, like, '95, '97 or something.

Joe Rogan 39:45 Well, they, they certainly were a big part of it. You know, independent filmmaking is always been really interesting because every now and then, there's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about-

Bert Kreischer 39:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:56 ... because someone made it on a shoestring budget, and they pieced it together with their uncle's money and...

Bert Kreischer 40:02 Did you ever see the movie Run Lola Run?

Joe Rogan 40:04 No.

Bert Kreischer 40:05 Joe, Joe, Joe.

Joe Rogan 40:09 What's it about, Bert?

Bert Kreischer 40:10 It's about a fucking chick who just runs.

Joe Rogan 40:14 Just all day?

Bert Kreischer 40:16 She's gotta get from point A to point B to, like, s- save her boyfriend or something, and she gets a phone call. Is this... Hang on. This... Oh, this is... So wait. What... Play it from the beginning so we can see what the thing is.

Narrator 40:30 That's it, really.

Bert Kreischer 40:32 Okay. Every second of every day, you make a choice... that can change your life.

Narrator 40:53 I wish I was a stranger in another starless sky. I wish I was a starship flying through the sky.

41:04 Hm.

Joe Rogan 41:05 Okay.

Narrator 41:05 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:06 And she has to get from point A to p- point B, and she runs the whole way there but stuff happened in between. And it's... Oh, yeah, her husband's ro- robbing someone, I guess. It's a fucking... It's a foreign film that you literally are, like, on the edge of your seats. It's a fucking... One of those movies where you're like, small budget-

Joe Rogan 41:24 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 41:25 ... just fucking good. Like-

Joe Rogan 41:26 Yeah, they exist. Just probably hard to publicize them, probably hard to find, but, you know, then there's also small budget movies that are terrible that are awesome too, like- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:36 The one with Franco?

Joe Rogan 41:37 Like, real- really bad movies are fucking amazing because if they're not trying to be funny, but they are funny.

Bert Kreischer 41:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:44 Like, sometime-... Did this... Like, what was the one? The, The Room.

Bert Kreischer 41:47 The Room.

Joe Rogan 41:48 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 41:48 The one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade.

Joe Rogan 41:49 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Bert Kreischer 41:50 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:50 That's right. I mean, how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie about how bad it was?

Bert Kreischer 41:58 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:00 (laughs) But that can happen. Those are great too. I love me a bad movie.

Bert Kreischer 42:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:07 I really do. Uh, they're just... Some of them are just so enjoyable, you know?

Bert Kreischer 42:10 Oh, fuck yeah. Like, a... Oh, like, a... Like, a... I love the, uh, I l-... What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, "It's jo-"... Oh, uh-... like, clueless.

Joe Rogan 42:20 How about Roadhouse?

Bert Kreischer 42:21 Oh, dude.

Joe Rogan 42:22 Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:25 He co- he gr- grips his throat-

Joe Rogan 42:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:27 ... out of his neck by the river. It's the fucking-

Joe Rogan 42:31 It's so goofy.

Bert Kreischer 42:32 ... Blade Right Boot.

Joe Rogan 42:33 Every- everything is awesome about it. Everything. Pain don't hurt.

Bert Kreischer 42:36 Pain don't-

Joe Rogan 42:37 Everything is awesome about it.

Bert Kreischer 42:38 He walks around with his own record transcripts of his- of his- of his injuries. Wow, you've been cut up.

Joe Rogan 42:44 He's cos he's had so many fucking injuries. He brings a folder with him everywhere.

Bert Kreischer 42:47 He brings a folder with him. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:48 She is fucking hot. That's-

Bert Kreischer 42:49 She's hot as fuck.

Joe Rogan 42:50 That's a-

Bert Kreischer 42:51 The doctor falls in love with the- the sexy bouncer. It's a fucking amazingly stupid movie. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:57 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:57 And Patrick Swayze is so beautiful. He's so beautiful.

Joe Rogan 43:01 Wait, they're remaking it with Conor McGregor, you know that?

Narrator 43:03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 43:04 Yes, yes. And Jake Gyllenhaal.

Narrator 43:09 Uh.

Joe Rogan 43:09 (laughs) Look at this fucking stupid movie.

Bert Kreischer 43:11 Oh, fuck that.

Narrator 43:11 You mad, Chicken Dick?

Bert Kreischer 43:12 Chicken Dick. (laughs)

Narrator 43:14 What do you say, huh, me? Is that it, Dalton? Think you're gonna fight me?

Bert Kreischer 43:17 Look at his hands.

Narrator 43:18 Uh.

43:19 Big bad Dalton. What do you want? A kiss and make up? Ah. Ah. (glass breaking)

Joe Rogan 43:29 (laughs)

Narrator 43:29 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 43:29 (laughs)

Narrator 43:29 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 43:30 Oh, my god.

Bert Kreischer 43:31 Every group had one fat guy-

Joe Rogan 43:33 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 43:33 ... that was, like, their tough guy.

Joe Rogan 43:35 Yeah. I mean, they're all stabbing each other and shit.

Bert Kreischer 43:37 Aw, it cuts them.

Narrator 43:43 (fists landing) Oh. Oh.

Bert Kreischer 43:45 (laughs)

Narrator 43:45 (Fists landing) Ugh.

Joe Rogan 43:45 Oh, my god, this is so stupid.

Bert Kreischer 43:46 (laughs)

Narrator 43:49 Ugh.

43:49 Oh, my god.

Joe Rogan 43:50 It just... Everything looked kinda corny and fake. Like-

Bert Kreischer 43:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:55 ... compare that to, like, an action scene in a really good movie.

Bert Kreischer 44:01 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:03 Especially now. I think people don't tolerate this kind of, like, obviously choreographed fake violence anymore.

Bert Kreischer 44:10 I'd tear him up in his jacket.

Joe Rogan 44:11 It just looks a little too corny.

Bert Kreischer 44:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:13 But back then, it didn't seem corny.

Bert Kreischer 44:16 It was amazing what didn't seem corny.

Joe Rogan 44:16 It was- it was good back then. Like, back... There's so many movies that, when we were kids, we're like, "This is a great movie."

Bert Kreischer 44:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:22 And you watch it now, you're like, "Jesus, this movie sucks."

Bert Kreischer 44:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:25 "This movie sucks." (laughs) 'Cause you think they're so good, because the culture has evolved. It's moved into, like, a new direction.

Bert Kreischer 44:34 Oh, it's done that with comedy, too. Like, you... Like, the comedies that we liked-

Joe Rogan 44:37 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 44:37 ... you watch them now, and they're, like, horrifically racist. Like-

Joe Rogan 44:42 So many of them are trans... Like, fucking, we were talking about, uh, uh, Ace Ventura. It's- he's crazy transphobic.

Bert Kreischer 44:49 Dan Marino throws up 'cause he made out with a dude.

Joe Rogan 44:52 (laughs) It's- the whole fucking thing is, like-

Bert Kreischer 44:54 They see the dick-

Joe Rogan 44:55 ... it's so crazy.

Bert Kreischer 44:56 ... and there- there is a complete... (laughs) This is where trans people should spend their time, getting rid of that fucking movie, because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up.

Joe Rogan 45:07 I- and it's Sean Young, who's gorgeous.

Bert Kreischer 45:11 Yeah. Yeah, she's beautiful.

Narrator 45:12 ... wear one of these? Ah. Ugh. Ah.

Joe Rogan 45:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 45:17 Don't look.

Narrator 45:19 Boy, that's really on there.

Bert Kreischer 45:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:21 (laughs)

Narrator 45:24 (Laughs) Ugh.

Joe Rogan 45:26 This scene is so crazy.

Bert Kreischer 45:28 Yeah, this is great.

Joe Rogan 45:29 This is a scene, he's like, he just rips her shirt apart. Imagine that scene today.

Narrator 45:33 ... to get rid of big old Mr. Knish. (cloth tearing)

Bert Kreischer 45:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:39 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 45:40 She- she's in her bra and panties.

Joe Rogan 45:42 She's just... In her bra and pa- he's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody.

Bert Kreischer 45:45 Yeah.

Narrator 45:46 Oh, boy.

Joe Rogan 45:46 In a comedy.

Bert Kreischer 45:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:48 And she's just standing there for some strange reason?

Narrator 45:50 Hey, excuse me. Come here. She's dazed.

Bert Kreischer 45:51 Look at Dan Marino. Look at Dan Marino.

Narrator 45:52 Excuse me for just one second.

Joe Rogan 45:56 (laughs)

Narrator 45:58 She- she- she's dazed like a cartoon character would be.

Joe Rogan 46:00 Like, with-

Bert Kreischer 46:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:00 ... she's, like, frozen in a video game, right?

Bert Kreischer 46:03 Yeah. She's... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:04 Yeah.

Narrator 46:04 Ladies and gentlemen.

46:04 She's seeing birds and stuff.

Bert Kreischer 46:06 Like-

Narrator 46:06 My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken, if the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friend-

Joe Rogan 46:30 (laughs)

Narrator 46:30 ... she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen.

Bert Kreischer 46:35 So stupid.

Joe Rogan 46:35 (laughs)

Narrator 46:35 (laughs)

46:36 That's why Roger Becker is dead. It's the tuck.

Bert Kreischer 46:40 Mr. Winkies. Look, they all-

Narrator 46:42 She throws him in.

Bert Kreischer 46:43 Look, they all start throwing up.

Joe Rogan 46:45 They're all throwing up.

Bert Kreischer 46:45 They're all throwing up.

Joe Rogan 46:46 Everyone's throwing up.

Bert Kreischer 46:47 Everyone's throwing up.

Joe Rogan 46:48 Everyone.

Bert Kreischer 46:49 He's cleaning his tongue with dolphins.

Joe Rogan 46:49 Don't look. Clean his tongue. The dolphin-

Bert Kreischer 46:51 The dolphin's freaking out.

Joe Rogan 46:53 ... are throwing up.

Narrator 46:54 Wait. This is different wink.

Bert Kreischer 46:57 Ah.

Joe Rogan 46:57 This is a crazy scene.

Bert Kreischer 46:59 Oh.

Joe Rogan 46:59 That's how much culture has changed.

Bert Kreischer 47:01 That culture... That's-

Joe Rogan 47:03 That's how much culture has changed.

Bert Kreischer 47:05 That's in our lifetimes.

Joe Rogan 47:05 Yes, that's in our lifetimes.

Narrator 47:06 This is '94.

Joe Rogan 47:07 Yeah, '94, man. '94.

Bert Kreischer 47:11 I mean, we were watching, uh, with the girls one time, Sixteen Candles. Do you remember that movie? Molly Ringwald?

Joe Rogan 47:18 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 47:20 In it, they have the Donger, Long Duk Dong. Remember the Asian guy?

Joe Rogan 47:25 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 47:26 And all- << Oh, sexy girlfriend >> I mean, they- he got in trouble-

Joe Rogan 47:30 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 47:30 I think- I think woke culture actually came after him for doing, I think, what they call yellow face, of, like, acting up the- the Asian guy.

Joe Rogan 47:40 Oh, wow.

Bert Kreischer 47:41 Yeah. And then, they go to the party. Jake's girlfriend... This is... My girls are watching this. Jake's girlfriend passes out, she's too drunk, and he gives her to the nerds. "You guys take her for the night and have fun with her. Here's my dad's car." Anthony Michael Hall fucks her. He fucks her that night. She's drunk, she doesn't remember it, and they don't remember it. They fuck then. And it's- that's- that's one of the plot lines. The section is, Jake's a senior in high school, she's 16. Like, the... Uh, there's... It's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it, and I go, "Just fucking let go of it. Like, just watch the fucking thing." And they're like, "Dad, th- the girl's drunk. Someone should help her. They cut her hair." And you're like, "Oh, yeah, that doesn't look cool."

Joe Rogan 48:19 Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media. I think-

Bert Kreischer 48:24 Revenge of the Nerds, the dude rapes her.... he puts on her boyfriend's clothing and rapes her, rapes her.

Joe Rogan 48:31 I don't remember that.

Narrator 48:33 (laughs) At the end, she's, like, in a bounce house with the lights off, right?

Bert Kreischer 48:35 She's in a bounce house. He p- grabs... They do... They're at the town fair. He grabs the mask, his boy- her boyfriend's mask, the girl he's attracted to, puts it on, and he pre- he was- he pretends to be Darth Vader, he pretends to rape her. He follows her into the, into the crazy with all the mirrors. They land on a bounce house. She's like, "Take the mask off." And he's like, "No, I'm gonna leave it on." And then he fucks her.

Joe Rogan 48:55 (gasps)

Bert Kreischer 48:55 She doesn't know it's him. She fu- he fucks her. And then they get done and he takes the mask off, and she goes, "That was you?" And he's like, "Yeah." She's like, "It was so good." So that, that... Now, that's... Just if we're talking- if we're gonna play by the rules, let's play by the rules, okay? That, that groomed every child to, to see that, that if you can sneaky fuck a chick but you did it good, if you could rape her but you did it good, then you... Then it... Look. You don't remember this? No, no, no. Leave it, leave it on.

Narrator 49:26 Dan, you're so kinky.

49:28 Pfff. I don't know if that's right.

Joe Rogan 49:30 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 49:32 That's, that's fucked up.

Joe Rogan 49:33 What year was that?

Narrator 49:35 Oh, that was-

Bert Kreischer 49:35 It's gotta be '84.

Narrator 49:36 Sh- sounds right. Uh, this says '80s. Uh, I don't see a year right here. I don't know.

Bert Kreischer 49:45 That was, like... I mean, don't even start with Porky's.

Narrator 49:47 Well, that's, yeah, that's at the same time period.

Bert Kreischer 49:49 Yeah. That was like... And that was green lit by executives. That's a good scene.

Narrator 49:53 Yeah. '84 is correct.

Bert Kreischer 49:54 Good fucking scene.

Joe Rogan 49:55 1984. That's how much the world's changed. That's crazy.

Bert Kreischer 50:02 Insane. And you're, and we're, and you're just talking about fight scenes, but that's, we're talking social commentary that's out there.

Joe Rogan 50:09 Right. Yeah. It j- just, it's... We're g- we're just talking about, like, the way things are depicted in life.

Bert Kreischer 50:16 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 50:16 Like, you could never do that in a comedy now. Imagine if somebody tried to recreate that.

Bert Kreischer 50:21 We, we, uh... At one point, ma- making the movie, I, I said to the d- I s- I'll say this. I say I said it to no one so no one ever gets in trouble, 'cause I know, I don't, I know well that what I do is not allow what the studio's like, right? When I talk. I just talk too honestly, 'cause I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say. I said, "We fucked up" to someone. I said, "We fucked up. We should've had nudity in this movie." Like, we definitely should've had nudity. Like, that was a fucking... 'Cause all the great old school comedies had one gratuitous nude scene.

Joe Rogan 50:47 Right.

Bert Kreischer 50:47 You know? Uh, Back to School, Rodney Dangerfield opens the fucking curtain and the girl with the most beautiful body is showering and he goes, "Hey, excuse me!" And then he closes them and he goes, "Aah!" And then opens it again. It's a great fucking scene in the movie, right?

Joe Rogan 50:58 Right.

Bert Kreischer 50:59 I go, "We sh- we missed... We fucked up." And they're like... I go, "Can we have some of these chicks (laughs) to, like, get naked?" And they're like, "That's definitely (laughs) not..."

Narrator 51:07 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 51:07 And I was like, "Well, how did it work when you made movies back in the day?" And they're like, "Well, back then, it's different. We're not gonna just walk around and go, 'Hey, does anyone wanna take their top off for this scene?'" And you're like, "Oh, yeah. I guess you can't..." Like, you just... It, and it's a weird thing. It's like...

Joe Rogan 51:19 Well, it's, it's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly.

Bert Kreischer 51:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:24 Like, relatively cl- quickly, 'cause I don't think that before mass media, social med- It m- It was mass media first and then social media. Pe- tell people's... The more and more communication about the way people act and behave. You used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it. So, like, was that a part of normal society back then? Like, at what point... Like, we gotta think about how few generations rem- removed we are from barbarians, like really, like really horrific people. For- t- What? We're good. 3,000 years? 4,000 years? Like, w- well, how far back do you have to go to where life is just hell?

Bert Kreischer 52:07 I- I-

Joe Rogan 52:07 It's not that many thousands of years, right?

Bert Kreischer 52:08 I gotta be honest with you. I think s- uh, 1700s.

Joe Rogan 52:11 Yeah. S- f- s-

Bert Kreischer 52:14 I mean, if it... I mean, if, if we're talking about l- loss of freedom and free will, look at World War I. World War I was a barbaric fucking trench war.

Joe Rogan 52:21 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 52:22 That... Was that, was it tren- was that the Trench War? Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:24 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 52:24 It was trench warfare. And that was like, that was like kids... And then World War II was a generation of kids that felt like they didn't go to war, so they got bummed out. They're like, "I wanted to go to war with my dad," not knowing what war was. And now we're at a place where we're like, "Okay, only the savages go." Like, us soft boys, I, I could not... I'm not a Jocko. I'm not w- a green beret.

Joe Rogan 52:42 I don't know if I agree with that.

Bert Kreischer 52:44 What do you mean?

Joe Rogan 52:44 About World War II.

Bert Kreischer 52:45 World War II, no, no.

Joe Rogan 52:46 I don't-

Bert Kreischer 52:46 It's 100% accurate.

Joe Rogan 52:47 What do you mean?

Bert Kreischer 52:47 The German generation, the German generation feel like, feels like they, that was what brought about World War II, was a whole generation of kids feeling like, "We need a war. We didn't get a war." It's, I, I...

Joe Rogan 52:58 Wait, what? Really?

Bert Kreischer 52:59 Yeah.

Narrator 52:59 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:00 Really?

Narrator 53:00 Uh, if you watched the beginning of All Quiet on the Western Front, I don't know if you-

Bert Kreischer 53:02 Yeah.

Narrator 53:02 ... saw that new movie.

Bert Kreischer 53:03 I did.

Narrator 53:03 Watch it not with the subtitles. That's the beginning of the... I mean, that's still World War I, but all those kids are just mad that they're not gonna maybe go. The war, war is ending and they're like, "Fuck, we're not gonna get to fight. We're not gonna get to fight." It's kinda like what Jarhead is like, even in the Marines.

Bert Kreischer 53:15 Yeah, yeah.

Narrator 53:15 He's so mad he doesn't get to shoot his gun.

Joe Rogan 53:17 (sighs) God, how crazy are people?

Bert Kreischer 53:20 I mean, World War II is w-

Joe Rogan 53:20 Imagine getting upset that you, you, you don't get a chance to go to war.

Bert Kreischer 53:25 A-bu- Okay.

Joe Rogan 53:26 Imagine...

Bert Kreischer 53:26 Yeah, but no, we can say that.

Joe Rogan 53:28 I know.

Bert Kreischer 53:28 But that's like, uh, but and then th- and that's ingrained in our head. How crazy is that? My f- my grandfather was the exact opposite.

Joe Rogan 53:36 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:36 Can you imagine if we'd stayed here? Can you imagine if we didn't go? And that, that was my grandfather.

Joe Rogan 53:42 Right.

Bert Kreischer 53:42 That's just, that's just right there, and then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine. Stormed the beaches of Normandy.

Joe Rogan 53:52 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 53:53 The question is, and I never, I never found this out, what day? 'Cause I think they s-

Joe Rogan 53:57 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 53:57 I think the, the f- the real bad one was that first day when they go, and then I think-

Joe Rogan 54:01 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 54:01 ... they made some advancements and I, I, I don't know much about history. I listen to history podcasts, but I don't really pay attention.

Joe Rogan 54:06 (sputters)

Bert Kreischer 54:06 (laughs) But I just, it, it put me to sleep.

Joe Rogan 54:09 Well, that's a good one to think about, 'cause Jesus fucking Christ is that a crazy story in human history.

Bert Kreischer 54:16 Dude.

Joe Rogan 54:16 The idea of people just running at people with guns. People with guns running at people with guns, like... (growls)

Bert Kreischer 54:25 The idea that-

Joe Rogan 54:25 It's so insane.

Bert Kreischer 54:26 ... just loss of free will that someone would go, "Go!" And you couldn't be like, "No, my name's Burt."

Joe Rogan 54:31 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 54:31 "And I don't, I haven't fallen in love yet."

Joe Rogan 54:32 Right, right.

Bert Kreischer 54:33 "And I wanna just, I wanna live my life."

Joe Rogan 54:34 Right, right, right, right.

Bert Kreischer 54:35 "And, I'm gonna stay here. I don't wanna go in there 'cause e- people are dying, and I see people dying."

Joe Rogan 54:39 Right, and why are we here?... but I don't know why I'm he- or if I'm 18 years old, do you think I truly grasp why I'm here?

Bert Kreischer 54:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:46 Do you think I truly understand what manipulation has been put into place that allowed giant groups of men with guns to run at other giant groups of men with guns? Like, what is the real problem?

Bert Kreischer 55:00 They, they talked about... So, in World War II, there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas, and-

Joe Rogan 55:11 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 55:11 ... Silent Night, I think. And then the Americans started singing with them, and then they had this in... Obviously, remember I'm Bert, I'm not a fucking historian, so don't light me up on this, but, like, uh, this is what, how I heard it. And in that moment, they had a ceasefire. The, the soldiers had a ceasefire, and it sent the fucking colonels through the roof, 'cause they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're losing fucking control." And they said any person seen not fighting or seen extending. Like, they had to get letters to, from one side to another side for, from the, f- from the fucking s- people that were kept in camps, right? Okay, thank you.

Joe Rogan 55:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:45 Okay, thank you. I'm so sorry. I talk out of my ass. I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true. The Truce of 1914. It was World War I.

Joe Rogan 55:52 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 55:53 And then they said, "All right, here's the deal. Anyone seen trying to fucking have a truce, you get killed. We kill you-"

Joe Rogan 56:01 (exhales loudly)

Bert Kreischer 56:01 "... 'cause we need you to kill them."

Joe Rogan 56:03 What a crazy thing to do, and then go back to killing each other.

Bert Kreischer 56:07 To-

Joe Rogan 56:07 Didn't they have truces too to play soccer games? Didn't they do that as well?

Bert Kreischer 56:11 I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie.

Joe Rogan 56:13 No, I think that really happened. I think there was like... There was... F- see, see what the fuck that is.

Narrator 56:20 Well, it's showing up as the same when I type it in. I typed in World War I soccer truce, and it shows up as the Christmas truce. They, maybe they had-

Joe Rogan 56:26 Oh, so maybe during that-

Bert Kreischer 56:27 They might have played soccer, yeah.

Narrator 56:27 Okay, that's what... Yeah, they did a soccer game during that t- during that time period.

Joe Rogan 56:29 Okay, that makes sense. Imagine, just going right back to killing each other. (sighs)

Bert Kreischer 56:35 Those wars befuddle me. Like, the, the idea that, that America would... And, and I understand, but America would just get involved. You know? I, I... Like-

Joe Rogan 56:47 Well, they're all... It's all weird, man, because you don't know the full story unless you suit... You, you gotta delve into it and read all accounts for every... by all parties, pro and con. You gotta really sort through it to figure out what's propaganda and what's real.

Bert Kreischer 57:02 I got really into, I got really into World War II for a period of time, both the Pacific and the European, uh, I guess 'cause they're called theaters or whatever.

Joe Rogan 57:11 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 57:11 I was obso... I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill. He's just a, he was a-

Joe Rogan 57:15 Fascinating man.

Bert Kreischer 57:16 Fucking fascinating man.

Joe Rogan 57:18 Dude, I gotta pee so bad.

Bert Kreischer 57:19 Go pee.

Joe Rogan 57:19 Let's, let's, uh, let's go pause this for a brief moment.

Bert Kreischer 57:22 Yeah, of course.

Narrator 57:23 Sure.

Joe Rogan 57:23 Yes, sir.

Bert Kreischer 57:24 All right, that was World War II. Now, um-

Joe Rogan 57:26 You know what-

Bert Kreischer 57:26 Fucking... (laughs)

Narrator 57:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:27 ... my favorite ceasefire is?

Bert Kreischer 57:28 What?

Joe Rogan 57:28 During World War I, they, they had a ceasefire with, uh, w- was it the Russians and the... Who was it? It was the, it was the R- I think it was the Russians and the Germans. They had a ceasefire, and it was because of wolves. So many people were getting killed by wolves.

Bert Kreischer 57:43 Oh, I've heard you talk about this.

Joe Rogan 57:44 Yeah. Who, w- what were the two groups? I always fuck this up. I know one group was the Russians.

Narrator 57:51 Yeah, Russians and Germans.

Joe Rogan 57:52 Russians and Germans, right. So, they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers were getting killed by wolves.

Bert Kreischer 58:00 That's, uh... And that's so funny. I had a j- I tried a joke last night about what's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators.

Joe Rogan 58:09 (laughs) They did back then.

Bert Kreischer 58:11 They did back then.

Joe Rogan 58:11 They did at least when they tried going into Russia. But could you imagine? You have an enemy that's invading you, and you agree, "We need to bond together and kill this other enemy that is not human."

Bert Kreischer 58:23 That... I think that's a plot of-

Joe Rogan 58:24 And then we go back to killing each other. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 58:26 That's the plot of Predator. (laughs)

Narrator 58:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:28 It is (laughs) k- kinda. I mean, this is such a crazy story. Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded.

Bert Kreischer 58:41 Oh. Have you ever seen the video of the, the cop going to give a parking ticket, and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street?

Joe Rogan 58:47 I don't think that's real.

Bert Kreischer 58:49 Oh, for real?

Joe Rogan 58:50 Yeah, I don't think that's real.

Bert Kreischer 58:52 Do you know what I'm talking about, Jamie?

Joe Rogan 58:53 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 58:54 Russian cop is going to give a parking ticket.

Joe Rogan 58:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think-

Bert Kreischer 58:56 And then he gets in their car, and the wolves run by them.

Joe Rogan 58:58 Jamie will find out if it's real. I think someone told me that was CGI.

Bert Kreischer 59:03 Ah.

Narrator 59:04 Oh, speaking of CGI, well, I don't wanna change all of our stuff, but, uh...

Joe Rogan 59:08 I don't know if it is CGI, though. I really wanna find out.

Narrator 59:10 Wait, did... The Roswell UFO thing from last week, did you see that?

Joe Rogan 59:12 Oh, the Jeremy Corbell thing?

Narrator 59:13 I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of like five videos all showing this fucking object in the sky.

Joe Rogan 59:18 Yeah, this is over a military base.

Narrator 59:21 Yeah, I guess so.

Joe Rogan 59:21 Yeah, yeah. Apparently like 50 people filmed this thing.

Bert Kreischer 59:24 This, yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:25 So, this is the, yeah, this is the Russian one. So watch.

Bert Kreischer 59:28 Oh, that bums me out. I wanna see the-

Joe Rogan 59:29 The cop's over here, he's talking, and then these wolves are running by. I don't know if that's real, man.

Narrator 59:35 It looks pretty real.

Joe Rogan 59:36 It looks very real.

Narrator 59:37 Um, the only way... So what, well-

Joe Rogan 59:38 Look at those shadows. Shadows are perfect.

Bert Kreischer 59:40 Yeah.

Narrator 59:40 But they, maybe... Yeah, wow.

Bert Kreischer 59:43 If they do a time lapse of-

Narrator 59:44 Yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other, like those wolves did run down that street-

Bert Kreischer 59:47 Oh.

Narrator 59:47 ... but not at the time those cars were there.

Joe Rogan 59:48 Right, but-

Bert Kreischer 59:48 Oh, wait, wait. I see what you're saying. So, go, hey, go back to him getting in the car. Are there... No, the wolves are there.

Narrator 59:54 Oh, he's reacting to them.

Bert Kreischer 59:55 Yeah.

Narrator 59:57 But that could be an actor.

Joe Rogan 1:00:00 I don't know.

Narrator 1:00:00 They're not reacting to the cars, is the, what I'm saying. See-

Joe Rogan 1:00:03 Right, but the wolves are just running, right? If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them. That car pulls over to the, to the left to avoid the wolves.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:13 Yeah, I think that's real, man.

Joe Rogan 1:00:15 Watch how the car reacts.

Narrator 1:00:16 Here's the other thing I'm looking at. This is the last, uh, that'll be hard to fake, is the headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight.

Joe Rogan 1:00:27 Hmm, interesting.

Narrator 1:00:29 See, there's no shadow coming this way.

Joe Rogan 1:00:31 Interesting.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:33 Oh.

Narrator 1:00:33 Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there.

Joe Rogan 1:00:35 Maybe, sorta, depending upon-

Narrator 1:00:36 Maybe, maybe, yeah, I don't know.

Joe Rogan 1:00:37 ... where the beams hit.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:38 It would be an interesting... I mean, it would be an interesting-

Joe Rogan 1:00:40 Interesting, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:41 ... person that spent their time doing that.

Narrator 1:00:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:43 Yes, a forensic person analyzing.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:44 Like, who's a... Yeah, like...

Joe Rogan 1:00:45 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:46 I did a, I went to Reddit and did a Reddit, uh, AM, AMA.

Joe Rogan 1:00:51 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:51 I've never been on Reddit. I've never been on Reddit. Reddit fucking... Reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me. I don't hate it, but I don't get near it. I respect it. I just don't wanna fucking get bit.

Joe Rogan 1:01:02 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:01:02 'Cause I hear, like, like, Mark Normand lives on Reddit (laughs) . Like, he'll, he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know.

Joe Rogan 1:01:08 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:01:08 He did it last night. He was like-

Joe Rogan 1:01:09 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:09 ... "Hey, did you hear the thing that..." And, I'm like, "Hey, man. I, you, I... You can't talk to me a- about that stuff. I, I don't, I don't w- watch that stuff." But I went into Reddit, and I thought it was gonna be all, like, QAnon people.

Joe Rogan 1:01:19 Right.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:20 It's regular human beings. Just regular human beings. Beautiful women. "Hey."

Joe Rogan 1:01:25 It's a trap, Bert. It's a trap.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:01:27 They're gonna suck you in (laughs) . They're gonna suck you in. You're gonna be there every day, and then they're gonna go after you.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:33 Are those things?

Joe Rogan 1:01:34 You want one of these?

Bert Kreischer 1:01:36 (inhales deeply) I'll be addicted immediately.

Joe Rogan 1:01:37 Oh, okay.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:38 I'll be addicted immediately. Unless it-

Joe Rogan 1:01:40 I like these.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:40 Unless it'll help me quit drinking, and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat.

Joe Rogan 1:01:43 Um, you know, there's a lot of evidence that nicotine is actually good for you. It's really weird.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:48 That's what Andrew Huberman said.

Joe Rogan 1:01:49 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:49 Smoking is the best thing you could do for your life.

Joe Rogan 1:01:51 No, no.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:52 Andrew Huberman said... Here, get, isolate this.

Joe Rogan 1:01:54 No.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:54 I'm kidding (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 1:01:55 No. No, no, no. Not smoking-

Bert Kreischer 1:01:56 Dude, have you... Oh, wait-

Joe Rogan 1:01:57 Not smoking nicotine.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:57 ... have you ever been in a fucking balloon?

Narrator 1:01:58 Isn't that-

Joe Rogan 1:01:59 No.

Narrator 1:01:59 That looks like the thing I saw in the video.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:00 So, just so we're clear-

Joe Rogan 1:02:02 Hmm.

Narrator 1:02:02 What the f-

Bert Kreischer 1:02:02 Oh, you, you talking about the thing that, um, was in the, the plane video, Jamie?

Narrator 1:02:07 No.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:08 Which video?

Narrator 1:02:08 There's, uh, th- like, this is one of them, I think.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:11 (clicks tongue) Well, let me tell you something-

Narrator 1:02:13 This is that thing.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:15 Oh, that thing.

Joe Rogan 1:02:15 Yeah.

Narrator 1:02:16 Yeah. This was in, like, a post I saw today. It showed f- this in five different videos. They said it was last week in Roswell. (clicks tongue) And it's just sitting there. It doesn't move.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:25 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:02:27 Yeah, that totally could be a balloon.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:29 All right, well, it looks like it.

Joe Rogan 1:02:30 But do they just keep going higher and higher? Don't they just keep going higher and higher?

Narrator 1:02:33 It should. It should.

Joe Rogan 1:02:33 Why would it be hovering?

Narrator 1:02:34 That's the... I don't know why it was just sitting there.

Joe Rogan 1:02:35 Well, or maybe they don't have enough helium. To them, it reaches a cer- certain threshold.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:40 Yeah, like, uh, when you're-

Joe Rogan 1:02:40 Like a Mylar one.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:42 (laughs) You're at the end of a Mylar balloon, it just hangs out like it's a person in your room.

Joe Rogan 1:02:44 Ugh.

Narrator 1:02:45 This, this video that Mick posted says this is supposed to be to monitor pollution.

Joe Rogan 1:02:49 Oh.

Narrator 1:02:50 But it also-

Joe Rogan 1:02:51 Why would you make a giant silver thing-

Narrator 1:02:52 I don't know (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 1:02:53 ... that looks like a UFO to monitor pollution?

Narrator 1:02:55 That's true.

Joe Rogan 1:02:55 How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device-

Bert Kreischer 1:02:58 Have you ever s-

Joe Rogan 1:02:59 ... you fuckheads.

Bert Kreischer 1:02:59 Have you ever seen... I'm sure you have, but have you ever seen Elon's rockets reenter the atmosphere?

Narrator 1:03:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:05 Uh, yes, I have.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:06 So, I, I had never. This is when... This was a while ago. This is back, like... It was when we were in our old house and... But I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone, and Isla's outside, and she's like, "Dad, Dad, Dad." And I go out, and it is so different than anything you've ever seen. Then I go, "Tommy, Tommy, look at the fucking sky. Look at the fucking sky." He's like, "What?" I go, "Go outside." He goes outside, and he's like, "What the fuck is going on?" I mean, we thought we were getting invaded by aliens. For a second, two grown men thought we were getting invaded by aliens. It looked so fucking bizarre. Like, it does, like, a mushroom cloud and then a streak. Have you ever seen it?

Joe Rogan 1:03:41 No.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:41 Oh. Type in "Elon's rockets reentering the atmosphere." It-

Joe Rogan 1:03:45 Well, I've seen it on video, but I haven't seen it in real life.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:48 In real life-

Joe Rogan 1:03:49 You saw it in real life.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:49 I saw it in real life. It was in the sky over LA. Like, co- must be coming into Long Beach or something. And it, it looked so... It's... This is what it looks like. (clicks tongue) It's this crazy fucking atmospheric change, and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens.

Joe Rogan 1:04:05 I did see one time in LA. I was driving-

Bert Kreischer 1:04:08 Look at that, Joe. That's what we saw. I go, I go-

Joe Rogan 1:04:10 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:10 ... "Tommy, go outside." He goes outside. He's like, "What the fuck is going on?" And I'm like... Isla's like, "Are we getting invaded by aliens?" (laughs) It looks fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 1:04:19 I think... Which, what year was this?

Narrator 1:04:20 I think this was, like, 2017 or '18.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:22 Yeah, that tracks.

Narrator 1:04:23 It happened two or three times, I remember, for sure.

Joe Rogan 1:04:24 I s- uh, yeah, it happened one time, I feel like I saw, but it was before that. There was, uh... I was in, uh, I was in Hollywood and I, I saw this thing streaking across the sky. I was like, "What the fuck is that?" And I...

Bert Kreischer 1:04:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:37 But this was, like... I think it was pre-social media days.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:40 Oh, no. This was Instagram days, Instagram Stories. 'Cause as I was talking to Tommy, I put on Instagram Stories and I recorded it. It didn't record our audio, which I thought would be a viral fucking clip. 'Cause both Tom and I thought we were getting invaded by aliens.

Joe Rogan 1:04:54 What?

Bert Kreischer 1:04:54 A- and I'm watching it, but it is... Joe, it is, like...

Joe Rogan 1:04:57 It's pretty freaky to see stuff like that.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:58 It's freaky as shit.

Joe Rogan 1:04:59 Can you imagine if you did see something like that and it was aliens? Do you know how wild that day would be? You know the wild the day of, like, three football si- football field-sized ships-

Bert Kreischer 1:05:11 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:05:12 ... just penetrate into the Los Angeles atmosphere-

Bert Kreischer 1:05:15 (sniffs)

Joe Rogan 1:05:15 ... and start hovering over the city? (imitates buzzing sounds) Just a- alerting us to their presence and just saying, "Enough is enough."

Bert Kreischer 1:05:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:05:27 "Let's fucking sort this out of here, fuckheads."

Bert Kreischer 1:05:31 What's the first thing, what's the first thing that c- is going on in our cultural, like-

Joe Rogan 1:05:37 Money, politics. The way, way- Take money out of politics. Take it all out.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:41 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:41 Nobody can donate.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:42 There's no money in pol- Yeah, there's no mon- No, yeah. You-

Joe Rogan 1:05:43 Nobody can donate. You can't profit.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:45 You just need leaders.

Joe Rogan 1:05:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:45 You need leaders now.

Joe Rogan 1:05:46 You need leaders.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:47 That's, like... What... How do things shake down? You need leaders. What else goes away? Like, bars stay open.

Joe Rogan 1:05:53 (sighs) Bars stay open.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:53 Bars stay open.

Joe Rogan 1:05:54 Freedom.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:54 You got to give people freedom because if you keep taking away freedom, eventually it's gonna come for the things that you hold dear. That's just a thing that happens. And everybody wants less. You got to control people more and do this mo- And it's not good. We, we're always going to have problems. There's never gonna be a, like, a perfect state where hundreds of millions of human beings get along in, like, a completely harmonious unless we all do mushrooms. You are, you... I'm just saying, your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty fucking good.

Joe Rogan 1:06:27 Ah. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:06:27 Do you... Could you come out with your own mushroom?

Joe Rogan 1:06:29 I don't think that's legal.

Bert Kreischer 1:06:30 It is.

Joe Rogan 1:06:31 And I don't know what you're talking about.

Bert Kreischer 1:06:32 No, definitely is.

Joe Rogan 1:06:32 Lion's mane. I take the lion's mane, Bert Kreischer.

Bert Kreischer 1:06:35 Is lion's mane good?

Joe Rogan 1:06:35 Lion's mane. Oh, yeah, lion's mane is good.

Bert Kreischer 1:06:36 I've taken lion's mane, but that's, like, a regular-

Joe Rogan 1:06:38 Listen, a lot of... There's a lot of benefit to mushrooms. Cordyceps mushrooms are fantastic.... those are really good. That's a bi- that's a big part of that shroom tech supplement that Onnit makes. There's, uh, lion's mane is great for you. It's great that, like, there's a bunch of, like, really neuroprotective aspects of, like, certain mushrooms and nutrients. Like, there's a lot of good stuff you can take, and mushrooms are in that group, including psilocybin.

Bert Kreischer 1:07:05 What's, is mushrooms are legal in Colorado.

Joe Rogan 1:07:08 (smacks lips) I think everything is legal in Portland, or in, um, in Oregon. Oregon is the first state that decriminalized everything. They de- decriminalized, like literally, cocaine, heroin-

Bert Kreischer 1:07:19 Oregon.

Joe Rogan 1:07:19 ... everything. And I think they did it in Vancouver too, but listen to this. This one dude opened up a store-

Bert Kreischer 1:07:25 Oh, you can sell coke in Vancouver.

Joe Rogan 1:07:27 Well, this guy, h- he opened up a store called The Drugs Store, and it just tells you when it was tested. Like, this is, this is tested, like, April 23rd, and the, and it's, you just buy cocaine.

Bert Kreischer 1:07:42 You can buy cocaine. Uh, uh, someone just told me about that.

Joe Rogan 1:07:44 Like, what the fuck? This Mobile Vancouver store, Mobile, good move, bro, (laughs) just started (laughs) illegally selling cocaine, heroin, and meth. Meth. Bro, imagine selling meth. I mean, that's like, (sighs) like, you know that's bad for you, right? Like, who the fuck wants people to be doing meth? If you're selling meth, you're, you're profiting off of terrible decision-making, right? Agreed?

Bert Kreischer 1:08:14 I've heard a couple pe- people have good, some good meth stories.

Joe Rogan 1:08:16 Really?

Bert Kreischer 1:08:17 I have.

Joe Rogan 1:08:17 Well, they get-

Bert Kreischer 1:08:18 One of my friends, one of my friends-

Joe Rogan 1:08:18 They get good stories when the story's o-

Bert Kreischer 1:08:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08:20 ... when the night is over.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:21 I have, we have a friend, I won't, I won't say his name here, and I'll, and I'll never say it. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08:26 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:27 And w- we were all, we were all about to hang out, and he was-

Joe Rogan 1:08:31 Can I guess? Can I guess who it is?

Bert Kreischer 1:08:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:08:32 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:32 Okay, yeah. And if you guess it right, I'll just-

Joe Rogan 1:08:34 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:34 ... I'll s- I'll tell you. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08:35 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:36 We were all hanging out, we were all about to go hang out again, and he was telling me and Joey... Okay, it's not Joey Diaz. (laughs) He was telling me and Joey Diaz a story about this chick, and he was like, (laughs) "I can't even say."

Joe Rogan 1:08:46 Okay, let's not.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08:47 You're gonna get somebody in trouble, aren't you?

Bert Kreischer 1:08:49 Yeah, and, but no, this was a long time ago. This was, like, fucking 12 years ago.

Joe Rogan 1:08:51 I understand. I understand.

Bert Kreischer 1:08:52 And he was like, he said, "I did meth last night." (laughs) And Joey's like, "What the fuck?" He goes, "I know. I was trying to fuck this chick," and he's like-

Joe Rogan 1:09:00 And she pulled out meth? Oh, God.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:02 And he was like, he was like, "Ah," you know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:09:04 Wow. That's right. I remember that story.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:08 Do you know who it is?

Joe Rogan 1:09:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that story.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:11 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:09:11 Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:09:13 Yeah, that's a, that's a wild decision to make.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:09:15 Like, you're alone with a person you just met, who wants to do meth with you.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:09:20 How, how all in on this life experience are you?

Bert Kreischer 1:09:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:09:24 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:09:24 Joey goes, "Did you fuck her?" And he goes, "If we did meth, Joey, we definitely fucked." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:09:28 Oh, my God. But don't they say that Adderall is, like, very similar, chemically? It's very similar.

Bert Kreischer 1:09:37 Oh, it's ver- dude.

Joe Rogan 1:09:38 It's like, it's a type of amphetamine, right? So if you went bonkers with Adderall, if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need, like some homie that works at the Adderall factory. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:09:48 Meet me at 10:00 PM.

Joe Rogan 1:09:48 And he, and he sells you a barrel of these fucking things. If you just chewed them all day long, like, you would just be like a person doing meth, right?

Bert Kreischer 1:09:56 Well, I, if I'm not mistaken, and I apologize if this comes out weird, but I think that's what Mulaney said in his special, was that Adderall was one of his problems too.

Joe Rogan 1:10:03 Yeah, I think it happens.

Bert Kreischer 1:10:04 'Cause Adderall, yeah, Adderall is, I mean, I've done both. I've done Adderall, I've done Ritalin, and I've done coke. Coke is way more fun than the other two, but the way, the other two I actually enjoy more. Like, it's, like you, if you take an Adderall, you're just a li- your d- your diet. You don't wanna eat. You feel fine. You could, you have the focus to, to skin a grape.

Joe Rogan 1:10:22 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 1:10:22 I mean, you could fucking focus.

Joe Rogan 1:10:24 Damn.

Bert Kreischer 1:10:25 Uh, dude.

Joe Rogan 1:10:25 You're making it sound exciting. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:10:27 Uh, Adderall's the shit. You, I remember s- taking, I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script.

Joe Rogan 1:10:33 Back in-

Bert Kreischer 1:10:33 And just being like, "Boom."

Joe Rogan 1:10:34 Back in the day, um, all the top pool players would take amphetamines.

Bert Kreischer 1:10:39 Darts, same thing, bro. You've-

Joe Rogan 1:10:41 And darts, same thing?

Bert Kreischer 1:10:42 Same, darts-

Joe Rogan 1:10:43 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:10:43 ... is, like, a big fucking speed place.

Joe Rogan 1:10:45 I shouldn't say all the top pool players, but i- in all honesty, a lot of them. Like-

Bert Kreischer 1:10:50 And I shouldn't say darts, 'cause I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Joe Rogan 1:10:52 This was a long ass time ago, like