Joe Rogan Experience #1990 - Bert Kreischer

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. NANarrator0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:12

      My man, Eric Kreischer, I love you to death.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:15

      Brother, (glasses clink) I love you way more than you'll ever love me, and you know that. I told you that last night.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:19

      (smacks lips) That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:23

      You changed my life immeasurably.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:25

      You changed mine, too. We changed each other's lives.

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:27

      (coughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:28

      We really did.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:29

       I don't know...

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:30

       It's so that I- I just get m- too much credit. It's o- all of us. It's like w- we did it all together. We all did it together. Without good friends, n- nobody i- uh, really succeeds-

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:42

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:42

       ... 'cause you don't, you don't appreciate it if it's just you. It's not f- it s- it doesn't seem fair. It seems all fucked up. So-

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:51

       I s- I, I, I keep saying to people, you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       Yes.

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:56

       Like, you g- you got- are you b- if you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:02

       Right.

   18. BKBert Kreischer1:02

       Someone said to me, "You're always talking like you're not a great comic, that your friends are so much better." I go, "They are. Look at who my fucking friends are. Are you fucking kidding me?" Like, my friends, I surround, I'm s- I surround myself by people that are way better than me, and then I just listen. I don't a lot, not listen a lot, but...

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:17

       We all rise up together. It's a old expression that the rising tide raises all boats. It really does. It's just f- it's good for everybody. It's like, you want killers around. Like, we got into this 'cause we- we love comedy-

   20. BKBert Kreischer1:33

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:33

       ... and now we're in it. And when you're in it, it's so scary, and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic. And, and people are comparing themselves to other people, and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.

   22. BKBert Kreischer1:45

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:46

       And if you just remember why you got in it in the first place, you got in it in the first place 'cause you love to watch it, and then you did it, and then you got selfish, and you started thinking about yourself. You started thinking about, "I wanna kill," and, "I wanna be better," and, "I wanna be the number one person."

   24. BKBert Kreischer2:00

       Watch them where other people are in their career.

   25. JRJoe Rogan2:02

       Mm-hmm.

   26. BKBert Kreischer2:02

       And how come I don't have a 30-minute, half-hour special? Ugh.

   27. JRJoe Rogan2:04

       And people get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life, but in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them 'cause that person's more successful than them.

   28. BKBert Kreischer2:18

       Correct.

   29. JRJoe Rogan2:18

       It makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad. It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff. And every comic used to have that back in the day. Dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic over, and they would, like, do something that would fuck up your set. And he, he was talking about what he did on, on d- Dangerfield's, uh, Young Comedians Special and that someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket the day of, a biker jacket, like, the same jacket that Dice wears.

   30. BKBert Kreischer2:47

       Yeah.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Oh, Bert. …

   1. BKBert Kreischer15:00

      I was like, "What?" And they're like, "Yeah, y- with your wife." And I was like, "Shut the fuck up." I was like, "Wh- wh- is that cool?" And Leanne's like, "Yes, y- you're an actor." I was like, "Yeah, but I haven't cheated on you in, like, e- ever. Like, I've never kissed someone in 20 fucking years." She was like, "It's just acting." And I was like, "Okay." All I'll say is, uh, the pants I w- was wearing were loose-fitting, and I don't wear underwear. (laughs)

   2. NANarrator15:24

      Oh, Bert.

   3. BKBert Kreischer15:25

      We did one take, and I was like, "Costume change, please." (laughs) They're like, "What?" I was like, "Ah, I need to change my pants. (laughs) I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude." (laughs)

   4. NANarrator15:35

      Oh my goodness, Bert.

   5. BKBert Kreischer15:36

      They're like, they're like, "Huh?" And I was like, "I don't know. What the fuck are you supposed to do? You're supposed to kiss someone and then just n- like, how the- how the fuck does that work?" (laughs) You ever kiss someone?

   6. NANarrator15:48

      Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.

   7. BKBert Kreischer15:52

      No.

   8. NANarrator15:52

      No.

   9. BKBert Kreischer15:53

      No.

   10. NANarrator15:54

       How could it?

   11. BKBert Kreischer15:55

       Yeah. I did the first kiss. My, my, my, my wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. We- by the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number of times. And she goes... We do the first kiss, and I'm, and I'm like, "I don't know." I'm, I'm just like, you know. And she's like, "Hey, you know, really go for it. Like, really go for it." And I was like, "For real?" She's like, "Yeah, like, try, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet. Like, kiss me." So I was like, "Okay." I'm not thinking about it. I'm going fucking ba- ba- ba- ba- bam. Walk up. Foom. And as soon as- and then she kissed back, and I was like, "What the fuck is happening? This is different. Holy shit." And then I'm like, "Ah, ah, ah, costume change." (laughs)

   12. NANarrator16:33

       (laughs)

   13. BKBert Kreischer16:33

       I need tape. I need tape. Like, someone get me ice.

   14. NANarrator16:38

       Is that... Are you allowed to talk about that?

   15. BKBert Kreischer16:40

       You're not supposed to. You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say... Here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.

   16. NANarrator16:45

       What was the kissing scene like?

   17. BKBert Kreischer16:47

       You know. Uh, it was good. It was- I would say, it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors. Okay?

   18. NANarrator16:52

       Which is true.

   19. BKBert Kreischer16:53

       Yeah. Well, it is for some people.

   20. NANarrator16:55

       But-

   21. BKBert Kreischer16:55

       But it's also a fucking hardcore lie.

   22. NANarrator16:57

       (laughs)

   23. BKBert Kreischer16:57

       It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie is 'cause you make out with her a couple times. You're like, "That was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like." And then you're laying in bed going, "Hmm. Hmm." And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, "Pass, pass." Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes, kissed her, like, got comfortable kissing her, and then we got in bed in Serbia, and Leanne's like, "Hey, you wanna do it?" I was like, "Beat it, scissor lips."

   24. NANarrator17:21

       (laughs)

   25. BKBert Kreischer17:21

       I was like, "I'm fucking... (snorts) I'll come back to you when I need to." (laughs)

   26. NANarrator17:25

       Oh, how rude.

   27. BKBert Kreischer17:28

       My wife's got good sense of humor.

   28. NANarrator17:29

       I hope so.

   29. BKBert Kreischer17:30

       Yeah. I had the whole fucking- I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not com- I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out, but...

   30. NANarrator17:38

       What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's gotta be weird as fuck.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   That's... Isn't that is...…

   1. BKBert Kreischer30:00

      in the door and said, "I'm a car."

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:01

      That's... Isn't that is... In the... That's in John Wick too.

   3. BKBert Kreischer30:05

      Yeah, I think it might be.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:06

      When he calls the dude up and says, "You have la-... La machine?" You have my, my car? Remember? That's the, the scene where she's got the fucking '69 Mustang.

   5. BKBert Kreischer30:16

      Dude, let me tell you something. Keanu Reeves, that's the motherfucker. When you... After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, "Uh, that's...... learning the ballet. Like, that guy, those things he does in that movie, they're, they are... I, I would argue, I would, it would be cool. I, I, like, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you go... That would be a cool thing, to see you do one of the John Wick sequences. Like, would you, would... Does that interest you at all? Those, like, badass sequences that he does?

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:52

      Like, movies? Is that sort of thing? What are you saying?

   7. BKBert Kreischer30:54

      No, no, no, no, no. Just, like, just for, like, to fun. Like, you know we go out and we shoot with Taron?

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:57

      Uh-huh.

   9. BKBert Kreischer30:58

      And, like, we learn the John Wick guns and stuff?

   10. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       Right.

   11. BKBert Kreischer31:01

       If they had a class where you could just go, "Hey man, for, like, this week, we're gonna teach you a John Wick sequence just to, just see if you could learn it." 'Cause it's really co-... It's a simple-

   12. JRJoe Rogan31:10

       Very complex.

   13. BKBert Kreischer31:11

       A very simple fight scene. I punched, like, three dudes on our movie, 'cause I don't, I just am not... I get overexcited and I just would punch them. And, but they were, like, cage fighters, so they're like, "I don't give a fuck. Just hit me. And if you... I'd rather you hit me than it not look good."

   14. JRJoe Rogan31:24

       Right.

   15. BKBert Kreischer31:25

       But that, what John, what John Wick does? I couldn't do that. That's like, somersaults and sliding your leg underneath people's legs to f- to leverage them? That's f-

   16. JRJoe Rogan31:37

       No, in the f- especially in the first movie.

   17. BKBert Kreischer31:39

       Look at this.

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:40

       In John Wick 1-

   19. BKBert Kreischer31:42

       (clears throat)

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:42

       ... that scene where he goes through the disco, the Red Circle Club?

   21. BKBert Kreischer31:45

       Mm-hmm.

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:46

       That fucking scene is insane.

   23. BKBert Kreischer31:48

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:49

       I mean, it d- but here's what's weird about it. (sighs) Look, I love that movie.

   25. BKBert Kreischer31:55

       Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:57

       But why? It's the sexy assassin that you root for. (laughs)

   27. BKBert Kreischer32:03

       (laughs)

   28. JRJoe Rogan32:04

       It's this... The whole thing's, like, have we forgiven his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed?

   29. BKBert Kreischer32:12

       (stammings)

   30. JRJoe Rogan32:12

       Like, he was the guy you sent in to kill people. It's the weirdest sort of hero that's ever existed.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   I- and it's Sean…

   1. BKBert Kreischer45:00

      their time, getting rid of that fucking movie, because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up.

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:07

      I- and it's Sean Young, who's gorgeous.

   3. BKBert Kreischer45:11

      Yeah. Yeah, she's beautiful.

   4. NANarrator45:12

      ... wear one of these? Ah. Ugh. Ah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:17

      (laughs)

   6. BKBert Kreischer45:17

      Don't look.

   7. NANarrator45:19

      Boy, that's really on there.

   8. BKBert Kreischer45:20

      (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:21

      (laughs)

   10. NANarrator45:24

       (Laughs) Ugh.

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:26

       This scene is so crazy.

   12. BKBert Kreischer45:28

       Yeah, this is great.

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:29

       This is a scene, he's like, he just rips her shirt apart. Imagine that scene today.

   14. NANarrator45:33

       ... to get rid of big old Mr. Knish. (cloth tearing)

   15. BKBert Kreischer45:39

       (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:39

       (laughs)

   17. BKBert Kreischer45:40

       She- she's in her bra and panties.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:42

       She's just... In her bra and pa- he's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody.

   19. BKBert Kreischer45:45

       Yeah.

   20. NANarrator45:46

       Oh, boy.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:46

       In a comedy.

   22. BKBert Kreischer45:48

       (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:48

       And she's just standing there for some strange reason?

   24. NANarrator45:50

       Hey, excuse me. Come here. She's dazed.

   25. BKBert Kreischer45:51

       Look at Dan Marino. Look at Dan Marino.

   26. NANarrator45:52

       Excuse me for just one second.

   27. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       (laughs)

   28. NANarrator45:58

       She- she- she's dazed like a cartoon character would be.

   29. JRJoe Rogan46:00

       Like, with-

   30. BKBert Kreischer46:00

       (laughs)
5. 1:00:00 – 1:11:03

   I don't know. …

   1. NANarrator1:00:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      I don't know.

   3. NANarrator1:00:00

      They're not reacting to the cars, is the, what I'm saying. See-

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:03

      Right, but the wolves are just running, right? If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them. That car pulls over to the, to the left to avoid the wolves.

   5. BKBert Kreischer1:00:13

      Yeah, I think that's real, man.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:15

      Watch how the car reacts.

   7. NANarrator1:00:16

      Here's the other thing I'm looking at. This is the last, uh, that'll be hard to fake, is the headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:27

      Hmm, interesting.

   9. NANarrator1:00:29

      See, there's no shadow coming this way.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:31

       Interesting.

   11. BKBert Kreischer1:00:33

       Oh.

   12. NANarrator1:00:33

       Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:35

       Maybe, sorta, depending upon-

   14. NANarrator1:00:36

       Maybe, maybe, yeah, I don't know.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:37

       ... where the beams hit.

   16. BKBert Kreischer1:00:38

       It would be an interesting... I mean, it would be an interesting-

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

       Interesting, yeah.

   18. BKBert Kreischer1:00:41

       ... person that spent their time doing that.

   19. NANarrator1:00:42

       (laughs)

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:43

       Yes, a forensic person analyzing.

   21. BKBert Kreischer1:00:44

       Like, who's a... Yeah, like...

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:00:45

       Hmm.

   23. BKBert Kreischer1:00:46

       I did a, I went to Reddit and did a Reddit, uh, AM, AMA.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:00:51

       Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer1:00:51

       I've never been on Reddit. I've never been on Reddit. Reddit fucking... Reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me. I don't hate it, but I don't get near it. I respect it. I just don't wanna fucking get bit.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:02

       (laughs)

   27. BKBert Kreischer1:01:02

       'Cause I hear, like, like, Mark Normand lives on Reddit (laughs) . Like, he'll, he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:08

       (laughs)

   29. BKBert Kreischer1:01:08

       He did it last night. He was like-

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:09

       Yeah.

Episode duration: 2:54:00