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Lewis HowesAttract Your IDEAL Partner in 2025 + A SURPRISE! (Secrets of LOVE) | Martha Higareda
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Setting the Stage: Lewis on Approaching Love as an Experiment
Lewis opens a first-ever relationship conversation at the Summit of Greatness. He explains that he and Martha decided to try something different after past relationships. He describes entering therapy from the start of their commitment to build conscious agreements.
- •First relationship-focused conversation at the Summit of Greatness
- •Both had past relationships that fell short of expectations and chose to take responsibility
- •Lewis suggested therapy from the beginning of commitment, and Martha had been thinking the same
- •Long Saturday therapy sessions were used to build values, ground rules and communication
- •Lewis says a foundation of conscious agreements makes the relationship feel effortless
How They Met: The Inner Child Photo and the Pool
Lewis and Martha tell the story of their first meeting. A photo on his phone led them straight into talk of healing and the inner child, and the night ended with fireworks at a restaurant and a late visit to her condo's pool. Martha explains how she had followed Lewis's content before.
- •A photo of Lewis's younger self on his phone sparked an immediate conversation about inner-child healing
- •Martha had the same kind of photo on her iPad
- •The restaurant in Tulum celebrated them with fireworks and dancing
- •Martha followed Lewis after seeing his Dr. Joe Dispenza interview
- •They went to her condo pool rather than her apartment because they had just met
Why Women Struggle in Love: Martha's Story
Lewis asks why many women struggle in love and how Martha overcame it. Martha describes making romantic comedies while her own love life was painful. She recounts a seven-year breakup followed by a relationship with a partner diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, and the moment she asked why she couldn't leave.
- •Martha made romantic comedies while her personal romantic life was bad
- •Her parents are about to reach 42 years together
- •After a seven-year breakup she went out looking for "her guy" without any therapy
- •She entered a relationship with a person diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder
- •Hiding in a bathroom fearing for her safety, she asked herself why she couldn't leave
Why Women Can't Leave: Beliefs, Fairy Tales and Childhood Memory
Martha gives three reasons women struggle to leave: the love they believe they deserve, fairy-tale programming, and patterns from childhood. She discusses Beauty and the Beast and the idea of fixing partners. She also describes seeing her parents through adult eyes.
- •She cites a movie line: everyone has the love they believe they deserve
- •Romantic and princess movies program us to see fixing a partner as love
- •Growing up with joyful but explosive moments made passion and explosion feel like love
- •Siblings can hold very different memories of the same moment
- •Re-examining childhood with an adult lens, through walks, talks or letters, shows parents did their best
Chemistry Is Overrated and Don't Choose Based on Potential
Introducing her BALANCED acronym, Martha says it is not about passion or chemistry. She argues chemistry blinds you to who someone really is, and that everything you see in a person is just information. She and Lewis discuss why choosing a partner for potential leads to resentment.
- •Chemistry is valued but overrated because it clouds seeing the real person
- •Her parents advised spending time getting to know the other person
- •Everything that comes your way is information; don't add to it or delete red flags
- •Choosing someone for potential means trying to mold them, which breeds resentment
- •Seeing someone take action on their growth is different from imagining what they could be
Choosing Acceptance and Never Getting Angry
Lewis describes his conscious decision to accept Martha as she is, based on months of time together before committing. He says he committed not to get angry at her and asked for the same in return. He says he would rather be alone than walk on eggshells.
- •They spent many months together before committing, so Lewis had seen most of her personality
- •He chose to accept her and has not gotten angry in over two years, though he has been frustrated or tired
- •Emotions like frustration or sadness are fine, but lashing out doesn't fit a conscious relationship
- •He asked for the same acceptance in return
- •Being fully himself has brought him peace and freedom
B and A: Be Yourself, Love Languages, Values and Acceptance
Martha starts the BALANCED acronym with B for be yourself and A for acceptance. They discuss love languages, their shared ranking, and a values exercise done separately. Lewis explains how conscious conversations turn disagreements into agreements.
- •B means being your authentic self, which requires knowing how you like to give and receive love
- •Lewis and Martha share the same love language order, favoring touch and words of affirmation
- •Couples with different love languages can talk and do what makes the other feel loved
- •They wrote their values separately before sharing to check alignment
- •Acceptance means taking time to see whether values, vision and lifestyle match
L and A: Laughter and Allowance (Freedom, Flexibility, No Jealousy)
Martha covers L for laughter and joy, and A for allowance, meaning flexibility and freedom within the relationship. Lewis explains why he feels no jealousy given her acting career. Both say trust in each other's values and integrity makes that freedom possible.
- •Laughter, joy and appreciation are the second letter's focus
- •Allowance means letting a partner make mistakes and live their own life, like Lewis taking up jujitsu or trips with friends
- •Trying to create safety through parameters can end up building a cage
- •Lewis decided before meeting her not to be jealous and trusts her integrity
- •Martha says being asked to change her profession would feel like not being accepted
N and C: Nurture, Commitment, Compassion and Curiosity
Martha continues with N for nurture, meaning both affection and a nurturing life of one's own. The first C is commitment to a shared vision, followed by compassion for a partner's inner child and curiosity in place of assuming the worst. She uses stories about her mother's flip-flop and an ice cream at a fair.
- •Nurture includes a nurturing life of adventures each partner shares with the other
- •Commitment means creating and honoring a vision for the relationship, like a business has
- •Compassion means seeing a partner's inner child when they are vulnerable or frustrated
- •A story of her mother chasing her brother with a flip-flop shows how anger can turn to laughter
- •Curiosity avoids arguments, as when Martha chose to find Lewis eating ice cream curious rather than upsetting
E and Dios: Education, Growth and God
Martha finishes the acronym with education, which means learning a partner's past and wounds and also growing personally. The last letter is Dios, which she says should be at the top. Lewis recaps the full acronym.
- •Education means learning a partner's inner child wounds and past so you don't take reactions personally
- •Martha knows Lewis needs space when he's tired or things get chaotic
- •Personal growth can change the environment around you even if a partner isn't present
- •Dios, meaning God, is like braiding a relationship with God to make it solid and strong
- •Lewis recaps BALANCE and mentions Martha's many notecards and a possible part three
Martha's Words of Gratitude to Lewis
Martha thanks Lewis for his dedication to growth and his generosity. She tells him he is enough, and Lewis invites attendees to speak with her at the closing party.
- •Martha says being with Lewis is a dream come true
- •She notes how much he gives to his community and his self-growth
- •She says he grew up feeling he was not enough, but he is more than enough
- •Lewis invites attendees to ask Martha questions at the closing party
The Surprise Proposal
After the audience applause, Lewis says he has one final question he has never asked in ten years of the podcast. He asks Martha to marry him and she says yes, and both say they feel like they're blacking out. Lewis ends by pointing to the closing party and a final video.
- •Lewis says he has never asked this question in ten years of his podcast
- •He asks Martha to marry him and she says yes
- •The audience joins a countdown to take the leap
- •Both joke about blacking out
- •Lewis points to the closing party and a final video of the weekend
