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Attract Your IDEAL Partner in 2025 + A SURPRISE! (Secrets of LOVE) | Martha Higareda

Get ready for an incredibly personal and heartwarming episode of The School of Greatness Podcast, recorded LIVE at The Summit of Greatness 2023!

Martha HigaredaguestLewis Howeshost

Jan 1, 202454mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

50 min read · 9,969 words

0:00 – 16:11
Intro
1. MHMartha Higareda
  And getting to know yourself also takes the exercise of knowing how do you like to be loved-
2. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
3. MHMartha Higareda
  ... and how you like to love.
4. LHLewis Howes
  Martha Higareda.
5. MHMartha Higareda
  Hi, my name is Martha Higareda. Sometimes we get stuck in those little things because if they make us feel unsafe, and so the more we feel unsafe, we wanna have these parameters to create safety, but in reality starts creating a cage. I am so grateful for you in my life.
6. LHLewis Howes
  Te amo muchísimo.
7. MHMartha Higareda
  I didn't know, but I trusted that you existed-
8. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
9. MHMartha Higareda
  ... somewhere.
10. LHLewis Howes
  I did have one, uh, one final question that I wanna ask, and I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast, and I wanted to ask you.
11. MHMartha Higareda
  Okay.
12. LHLewis Howes
  I was curious. [audience cheering]
13. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, my God.
14. LHLewis Howes
  Grateful for you guys for being here. We've got a, a special, special conversation I'm about to have with someone that I think you guys probably like more than me.
15. SPSpeaker
  [laughing]
16. LHLewis Howes
  Um, and I'm excited to talk about everything that I've learned over the last few years, uh, with her. So with that, let's make sure to give her a lot of love after we cue this video. Te amo.
17. MHMartha Higareda
  Te amo.
18. LHLewis Howes
  Okay. We're gonna set up here.
19. MHMartha Higareda
  Okay.
20. LHLewis Howes
  They're gonna bring us chairs. I think they're supposed to bring us some chairs, so-
21. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, my God
22. LHLewis Howes
  ... while they do.
23. MHMartha Higareda
  That was so beautiful.
24. LHLewis Howes
  We'll put the chairs right here.
25. MHMartha Higareda
  I'm so emotional.
26. SPSpeaker
  [cheering]
27. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, I love you too. [laughs]
28. LHLewis Howes
  Okay. All right. Are we center? Hold on, let me, let me get us center stage here. Come over here. Okay. All right, this is a, this is a first-
29. MHMartha Higareda
  [laughs]
30. LHLewis Howes
  ... of Summit of Greatness. I've never, uh, had a conversation, me personally, about relationships or love. One, because I feel like I have so much to learn still, and, you know, um, uh, we don't have kids, we're not married, none of these things, but we've been together for a few years and we, we decided after a bunch of different, let's call it interesting relationships we've had-
16:11 – 21:46
Why women want can't leave a relationship when they want to
1. MHMartha Higareda
  leaving.
2. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. I feel like a lot of women have that-
3. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh
4. LHLewis Howes
  ... similar type of experience. Maybe it's not a physical-
5. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, yeah
6. LHLewis Howes
  ... screaming, but at some time they feel like they can't leave, but they know they want to leave.
7. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Right?
9. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes.
10. LHLewis Howes
  Why is that?
11. MHMartha Higareda
  Um, it's... I think it's, it's a combination of three different things. One, I saw this line in a movie, actually, that it says, "Everyone has the love that they think..." My... Not think. "Everyone has the love that they believe they deserve." And when I was in this bathroom, really literally afraid of my physical health, I thought, "What are my beliefs?"
12. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
13. MHMartha Higareda
  "Do I believe I deserve this? And if I do, therefore I have it. It's right here." And so I, after I, you know, left that relationship, that took me on a journey to find out what was wrong with me. And I realized that some of the romantic comedies and these romantic movies and the princess movies-
14. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
15. MHMartha Higareda
  ... they're great. They're fantasies. They're not the real life, but in some way they program ourselves to believe that that is what love is.
16. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
17. MHMartha Higareda
  Meaning the Beauty and the Beast. It's a great story. It's a beautiful story. I love these type of stories. They're great. They're for-
18. LHLewis Howes
  But when, but when you-
19. MHMartha Higareda
  ... children
20. LHLewis Howes
  ... but when you stay with your abuser-
21. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes. So the, the Beauty is a woman that-
22. LHLewis Howes
  Is helpless
23. MHMartha Higareda
  ... is, is literally en- entrapped-
24. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh
25. MHMartha Higareda
  ... imprisoned by this Beast. But she has the task that she's gonna find out what's good in him and show it to him and bringing out of him and fix him-
26. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
27. MHMartha Higareda
  ... in order to find love
28. LHLewis Howes
  No- no one, no one here knows about wanting to fix any guys, do they?
29. SPSpeaker
  [laughs]
30. MHMartha Higareda
  I mean, we tried in a way to fix-
21:46 – 23:32
The key to a BALANCED relationship
1. LHLewis Howes
  every night. We're always talking about these things. Um, but you created an acronym about kind of your perspective on love and relationships.
2. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, yeah.
3. LHLewis Howes
  I'd love to hear what this acronym is for creating kind of a balanced, healthy, conscious relationship based on challenges you've been through and where we're at now.
4. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes. So my acronym is the word balanced, and balanced with triple C, actually. We can, we'll go into it, but, um-
5. LHLewis Howes
  So it's not, it's not passion or chemistry or-
6. MHMartha Higareda
  It's not passion
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... explosion
8. MHMartha Higareda
  ... it's not chemistry.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Okay.
10. MHMartha Higareda
  No, no. You know, that's the other thing because, because I think chemistry is extremely overrated. It should be valued because I think it's important, but it's extremely overrated.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
12. MHMartha Higareda
  Because what chemistry does, and this is why they say love is blind, is because it really gets in the front of your head, creates all these chemicals, and you're not able to see the person as who they really are.
13. LHLewis Howes
  It's true.
14. MHMartha Higareda
  You're feeling these chemicals, and you think you like the person, but you're actually, what you're liking is the chemical reaction that person is creating in you. You don't know this person. How can you really like them or love them? So that's why I'm a firm believer in the advice that my parents always told me-
15. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
16. MHMartha Higareda
  ... which is spend time getting to know the other person, and everything that comes your way is just information.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
18. MHMartha Higareda
  You don't try to add to it, make them more, you know, amazing than they really are, and also, you don't try to delete all the little things and little red flags that you're seeing. Everything is information.
19. LHLewis Howes
  And you don't,
23:32 – 52:22
The one thing you SHOULDN'T choose your partner based on
1. LHLewis Howes
  what I've heard you talk about is, like, not choosing to be with someone based on potential.
2. MHMartha Higareda
  No. No, no, no.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Why not?
4. MHMartha Higareda
  Because then you're o- you're, you're, you're basically gonna spend a lot of time to try to mold them and make them or encourage them into becoming that potential, but every person is just living their own life. Nobody wants to be changed. You know, saying to a person, "You should do this. You should do that," no, like n- nobody likes that.
5. LHLewis Howes
  I guess it's different if you're seeing that someone's taking their own actions and they're becoming something-
6. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... then you can be-
8. MHMartha Higareda
  That's different
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... inspired by that potential.
10. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah.
11. LHLewis Howes
  But if you're like, "Wow, they're so good, but they're, they could be so much more, but they're not taking any actions to show it," then-
12. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah
13. LHLewis Howes
  ... that's not the same
14. MHMartha Higareda
  And that's why I think the key of what you just said is if you're already seeing they're taking action. The problem is if they're not taking action, but you are the one seeing that they could take the action, you're gonna start saying, "Hey, do this, do that, do that."
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
16. MHMartha Higareda
  And at the end of the day, that creates a dynamic that is like this, you telling this person that they should be different. And that creates a lot of resentment from the other person, and a lot of resentment on yourself because you're trying really hard to change them.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Right. Right.
18. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah.
19. LHLewis Howes
  One of the things that, you know, before you get into your acronym-
20. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah
21. LHLewis Howes
  ... which I know I think is really powerful, we've read so many books together. I'll talk about some of this. We've done so many different things together, which has been really cool. But one of the things that we talked about before we got, you know, committed to one another, we spent many months together, so much time together before we got committed, I made a conscious decision, and I think you did as well, that we were going to choose to accept the person for who they were-
22. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah
23. LHLewis Howes
  ... in that moment and what we've experienced. And saying, "Okay, if this is who you are, I choose to accept you." It doesn't mean I'm not gonna get frustrated or be, you know, have some aggravations here and there.
24. MHMartha Higareda
  Mm-hmm.
25. LHLewis Howes
  But choosing to accept and love you for this person that I'm experiencing, and let stuff go. Like, just not let other things affect me.
26. MHMartha Higareda
  Yeah.
27. LHLewis Howes
  And that takes a lot of work from me to, to continue to grow, and a lot of work for you to continue to grow, to accept one another. So it's been, um... But having that and feeling like I can be 100% who I am is the greatest peace and freedom I've ever experienced in my life.
28. MHMartha Higareda
  Me too, for me.
29. LHLewis Howes
  And I'm sure for you. Like, I, I told her before this day, I said, "Listen, if we're gonna choose to commit to one another," I said, "I'm never going to get angry at you." And I don't think I have. I maybe have gotten, you know, a little frustrated-
30. MHMartha Higareda
  [laughs] Frustrated
52:22 – 54:52
"I've never asked this question before!"
1. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, actually, I did have one, uh, one final question that I wanna ask, and I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you-
2. MHMartha Higareda
  Okay
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... I was curious. [audience cheering]
4. MHMartha Higareda
  Oh, my God.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Will you marry me?
6. MHMartha Higareda
  Yes.
7. LHLewis Howes
  One, two, three. Take the leap!
8. MHMartha Higareda
  Take the leap!
9. LHLewis Howes
  Amazing. [audience cheering] Te amo.
10. MHMartha Higareda
  [laughs] I love you.
11. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
12. MHMartha Higareda
  I love you so much.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Te amo.
14. MHMartha Higareda
  I love you so much.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, te amo muchísimo.
16. MHMartha Higareda
  I love you. Te amo. Oh. [laughs]
17. LHLewis Howes
  Te amo. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.
18. MHMartha Higareda
  [laughs]
19. LHLewis Howes
  You guys are amazing. Uh, I'm kind of-
20. MHMartha Higareda
  [laughs]
21. LHLewis Howes
  ... blacking out right now. I don't know if this is normal. Um, guys, is this what happens? You kinda black out. You forget everything that happens. Um-
22. MHMartha Higareda
  Ugh.
23. LHLewis Howes
  What did you say? What'd you say? [laughs]
24. MHMartha Higareda
  Um, what?
25. LHLewis Howes
  When I... [laughs]
26. MHMartha Higareda
  I'm sorry. I was-
27. LHLewis Howes
  She's blacking out also
28. MHMartha Higareda
  ... I'm blacking out. [laughs]
29. LHLewis Howes
  What did you say when I asked you?
30. MHMartha Higareda
  I said, "Yes!"

Episode duration: 54:52

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Intro

Why women want can't leave a relationship when they want to

The key to a BALANCED relationship

The one thing you SHOULDN'T choose your partner based on

"I've never asked this question before!"

Get more out of YouTube videos.