Become a Self-Healer and Break Free of Emotional Cycles with Dr. Nicole LePera and Lewis Howes

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:00 All of our clues are there

Lewis Howes 0:01 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:01 Our, our past is present with us, and that's why we're stuck, and that's why we can't, the way I see it at least, that's why a lot of us struggle to move forward, and that's why I hear the word stuck probably more often than I hear any word spoken.

Lewis Howes 0:14 So how do people get unstuck?

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:15 [lips smack] First I think consciousness. We have to become conscious to ourself. [upbeat music]

Lewis Howes 0:36 Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We have Dr. Nicole LePera in the house. Good to see you. So glad you're here. Uh, found out about you months ago on Instagram and just have been loving your work and the, the impact you make on people's lives. So thank you for being here. And you'll be moving out here soon hopefully, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:55 That's right.

Lewis Howes 0:55 That's the goal.

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:56 That's right.

Lewis Howes 0:56 Even though it's not publicly announced yet, but.

Dr. Nicole LePera 0:58 That's the goal. That's, the, here it is, publicly announcing it.

Lewis Howes 1:00 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00 I'm the hell out of Philadelphia. [laughs] I mean, I don't know how you can come here and not wanna stay.

Lewis Howes 1:04 It's pretty amazing.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05 Really. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:06 I travel the world all the time, and there's amazing places, but I always wanna come back here.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:11 So I love it.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12 It's good. You know you found your home.

Lewis Howes 1:13 I love it. Yeah, the first year I actually hated it 'cause I came from New York City.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:18 I lived in Ohio then lived in New York City before I moved here, and I loved the energy in New York. Uh, but you've been on the East Coast for a long time, so you're probably ready for, like, a break and a change of pace, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:28 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:28 So.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:28 Yeah. [lips smack] But it's different energy. It's a shift of energy.

Lewis Howes 1:30 It's-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:31 I remember when I would travel out here, getting used to the slower pace of things was a-

Lewis Howes 1:36 Yeah, it's-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:36 ... a test of patience for my- [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:37 I didn't like that

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:38 ... my East Coast self. I'm like, "Come on. Where's my coffee? Let's go."

Lewis Howes 1:41 No, I didn't like it. That's why I moved-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:42 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:42 ... here, uh, as opposed by the beach. It's even, like, 10 times slower-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:46 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:46 ... by the beach where you're staying right now. But in West Hollywood, it had a more of a New York walking vibe-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:50 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:50 ... so that's why I love it here, a little more energy. Um, now you've been doing your work for, for how long now?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:56 [lips smack] Probably by the time my very long program ended-

Lewis Howes 2:00 Schooling? Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:01 ... um, schooling, about seven years probably after school, but my program was about seven, eight years.

Lewis Howes 2:06 Seven, eight years of school, and then-

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:07 From the start. This is after my undergrad, from the start of grad school till I was-

Lewis Howes 2:11 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:11 ... designated a psychologist and then ultimately able to get a license and then open up a practice.

Lewis Howes 2:16 It took seven, eight years to get a license.

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:18 To get a, yeah. So it's-

Lewis Howes 2:20 And that's for most therapists too? I mean, all therapists?

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:21 Five years of, so if the clinical psychol- Now things have changed. [lips smack] When I first started school, um, the route to having a practice and essentially getting the license to have a practice was through a PhD, a clinical PhD, or what's called a PsyD.

Lewis Howes 2:36 Oh, okay.

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:36 I don't know if you ever heard that, a P-S-Y, capital D. Um, anyway, long story short, things have since changed, and now you can go and get a master's level education and then get licensed-

Lewis Howes 2:46 Four years, three years?

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:46 Two years, three years maybe.

Lewis Howes 2:48 Oh.

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:48 Um, I'm not sure if there's a thesis involved with that.

Lewis Howes 2:51 Gotcha.

Dr. Nicole LePera 2:51 And then you can get, you have to get enough supervised hours either route, but you can, you can hang a shingle, and that was my ultimate goal. And at the time, I was very limited. I had the PsyD or the PhD path.

Lewis Howes 3:02 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:02 So I chose the PhD, and then seven years later, a nightmare dissertation, um-

Lewis Howes 3:07 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:07 ... some licensure hurdles, so to say it mildly-

Lewis Howes 3:11 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:11 ... and up my, went my shingle.

Lewis Howes 3:12 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:12 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 3:12 There you go. I think in another life I would have loved to have been a, a psychologist.

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:17 Yeah, it's a cool thing. The mind has always really fascinated me, and that's honestly-

Lewis Howes 3:20 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:20 ... as long as I can remember. Um, you probably would've heard me say I wanna be a psychologist-

Lewis Howes 3:25 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:25 ... only 'cause of the mind piece.

Lewis Howes 3:28 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:28 I like helping people, but it's interesting, the more I kind of explored my own path in, I realized it was less of, "Oh, I wanna help heal people," and more of, "Wow, the mind's incredibly fascinating." Um, which is cool because I think that's a different route, and I think that also kind of evolved me to the way that I'm working now with a really heavy focus on the mind and the power of the mind in a little different way.

Lewis Howes 3:50 Interesting. So are you coming back around to wanting to help people too?

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 3:53 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:53 I mean, people are all right. You know what I mean?

Lewis Howes 3:56 Or just you're fascinated-

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:56 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 3:56 ... by how messed up we are, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 3:58 Yeah, yeah. I'm just fascinated by the power of the mind on both ends-

Lewis Howes 4:00 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:00 ... that keeps us stuck, and then the power of the mind that can make us well-

Lewis Howes 4:04 Drives us

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:04 ... and then beyond well.

Lewis Howes 4:06 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:06 I mean, I, I just know myself because I was so limit. I have so many limiting beliefs in my own, passed on from my own upbringing-

Lewis Howes 4:14 Really?

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:14 ... experiences I've had.

Lewis Howes 4:15 Still you have limiting beliefs?

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:16 Um, I've overcome a lot of them, and that's why it, it, it's-

Lewis Howes 4:18 What were the biggest for you?

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:19 Um, I, big time scarcity mindset. Big time.

Lewis Howes 4:21 Like scarcity around relationships, health-

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:23 Everything

Lewis Howes 4:23 ... money?

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:23 It's really, I, I've noticed food was one of my things. I, I didn't know, um, until I started to explore some of my patterns and, and for me, scarcity ran thing, the entire of it.

Lewis Howes 4:34 What, what do you mean around food?

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:35 So this idea, and it would come up in my, a big joke in my relationship a lot would be, you know, we would, we, we lived together and we'd have items in the food, in the fridge, and we'd shop together and we eat the same diet, and I would go in, "Where's my half?" And became incensed by, "Where's my goddamn half of food?"

Lewis Howes 4:51 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:51 And I was like, "Why is this so upsetting to me?" Like, I'm not with, going without. There's, I mean, I live-

Lewis Howes 4:56 A grocery store next door. Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:57 Literally three blocks I live.

Lewis Howes 4:58 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 4:58 I can walk to a Whole Foods. Like, I, there's no reason why when my half goes away, what was that about? And I started to realize the underlying driving thought of this was that scarcity. So my food-

Lewis Howes 5:11 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:11 ... my, my things, um, lack of money mindset, things like that. So that was a really big one. I, I used to think, um, genetically in some ways. I would see the way people and the way their bodies looked and how they-

Lewis Howes 5:23 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:23 ... were in the world. I was just, you know, not gifted.

Lewis Howes 5:26 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:26 Um, so I think that a lot of my own healing journey was overcoming that, which is why I'm so passion now about helping other people-

Lewis Howes 5:33 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:33 ... because I think a lot of people are limiting themselves-

Lewis Howes 5:35 Yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:35 ... based on... And again, these don't come out of nowhere.

Lewis Howes 5:38 Uh-huh.

Dr. Nicole LePera 5:38 These m- these mindsets, the way I see it at least, they all come from an accumulation, as I put it, of our past experiences, so those are-

Lewis Howes 5:45 Was there, was there like... I, I was talking about this this morning about, uh, memories, about how really we have maybe five or six, maybe you tell me differently, you're the psychologist, but I think we have, like, maybe five, six, maybe seven strong positive memories, and then we have five or six or seven, like, strong negative memories that we always kind of reflect back to-

Dr. Nicole LePera 6:06 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 6:06 ... and think about. And I would see There's filler memories, but I was trying- I was like, I don't really remember much from ages five to 18 in between those five to 10 memories on each side. If I really focus on like, okay, what did I do in third grade when I was like eight years old or whatever it was-

Dr. Nicole LePera 6:24 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 6:25 ... every day, you kind of forget like the 365 days in between the memories that we hold onto with these patterns. Is that kind of s- safe to say in my uneducated-

Dr. Nicole LePera 6:35 Yeah, 100%.

Lewis Howes 6:36 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 6:36 And what I would offer is the reason that you have those really high positives and maybe really low negatives was because of the emotionality attached. So the bigger the emotion, we tend to be able to retain those because-

Lewis Howes 6:50 Those memories

Dr. Nicole LePera 6:50 ... those memories because our memory center, our emotional center, our limbic system, it's all interconnected. And a lot of the reasons why we encode and then can retrieve, essentially put the memory in and access it later, is because of the emotionality.

Lewis Howes 7:03 So how strong it was.

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:04 How strong it was.

Lewis Howes 7:05 So what were the memories you had and the experiences you had that created the limiting beliefs?

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:11 Right. So-

Lewis Howes 7:12 Scarcity

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:12 ... it's interesting you say this because then there's another category, and this is where I fall, and I actually diagnosed myself with a memory impairment for quite some years.

Lewis Howes 7:21 Memory impairment?

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:21 Impairment.

Lewis Howes 7:22 Like maybe you blocked it?

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:22 Based on the fact that I had no memories.

Lewis Howes 7:25 I dated a girl that said she didn't remember anything between before 18 one time.

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:28 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:28 And I was like, she was super positive and amazing and loving, and I was like, "There's something off if you don't remember anything before 18."

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:35 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:36 Nothing?

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:36 Yeah, nothing.

Lewis Howes 7:36 I was like, "How is that possible?"

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:37 Right. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:38 There's gotta be some serious trauma that you're-

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:40 Yeah, right

Lewis Howes 7:40 ... and later I found out, like there was incredible trauma.

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:43 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:44 But-

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:44 Well, I think, I think societally-

Lewis Howes 7:46 ... do we do that as a connection to them?

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:46 So there is that. So societal, so when I realized I had no memory, I had two, two theories.

Lewis Howes 7:50 She has no memory.

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:51 Two working theories.

Lewis Howes 7:52 That's crazy.

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:52 Two working theories. One was that I had such a cataclysmic trauma-

Lewis Howes 7:56 Oh

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:56 ... you know, that I can't remember, and that washed-

Lewis Howes 7:58 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 7:58 ... all my memories. And I, I spent a lot of time thinking and, oh gosh, you know, what could it have been? And I, I keep coming up with, I don't... And then the other diagnosis that I gave myself was a, a memory impairment. So anyway, flashing forward, I've now come to realize that I started to share, um, when I got the Instagram platform, I started to talk a bit more openly about my lack of memories.

Lewis Howes 8:19 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:19 I started to understand our nervous system and our stress responses a bit more, and I came to realize that more of us than you would realize are like this ex of yours and myself, that we don't have-

Lewis Howes 8:29 We block the memories

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:30 ... memories. And it doesn't have to be, you know, a biological thing wrong in our brains, and it doesn't have to be the big T, is like the big T trauma that I think a lot of us talk about, the big cataclysmic event. It's-

Lewis Howes 8:40 I feel like you'd remember the trauma-

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:41 Right

Lewis Howes 8:41 ... if it was bigger, but.

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:42 Right. Yeah. So sometimes it's a low li- or a low level stress-

Lewis Howes 8:45 Yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:45 ... or chronic stress, an inability to have emotions present in the home, um, that-

Lewis Howes 8:50 Hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 8:50 ... results in that lack of memory. So anyway, to speak, to answer your question though, the, the way I came to know that I had a lot of my lack-based mindset was because we still remember. So I have people who reach out to me and are like, "Oh my gosh, if I can't remember, how will I heal?" So I don't have a visual memory. I can't go back in time, and when I talk about inner child work and you go back to heal, you don't need the memory to heal-

Lewis Howes 9:11 Hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:11 ... the way that I see it, because we all are a walking memory, whether it's in my habits-

Lewis Howes 9:16 Based on our reactions, based on our have-

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:17 Based on our reactions-

Lewis Howes 9:18 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:18 ... our triggers, our patterns, the, the thoughts that we frequently think. So a lot of mine would orbit around lack based or not having type of things, lack of consideration. So we can see evidence of our past, um, whether or not we see our past in a more visual-

Lewis Howes 9:35 Based on how we're showing up now.

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:36 Yes.

Lewis Howes 9:37 So you were being, you know, for example, you were like, "Where's my food? My half is gone," or, "You took three-fourths-

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:42 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 9:42 ... and I only have a fourth." And so that's definitely like reflecting a memory of experiences or an experience you had-

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:48 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 9:48 ... that you held onto and said like, "I'm not deserving of enough," or, "There's-

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:52 Yes

Lewis Howes 9:52 ... never going to be enough," or whatever the story you said to yourself, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:55 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 9:55 Interesting.

Dr. Nicole LePera 9:56 A lot of mine was based around this concept of being considered. So for me it was a bit of emergence between lack.

Lewis Howes 10:02 Hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:02 So when I, I attribute that to my dad. He very much was, my parents are much older. Um, when they had me, my mom was 42 and my dad was 45.

Lewis Howes 10:09 How old are you now?

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:10 So, and I am thir- I'll be 37 in September.

Lewis Howes 10:13 37. Oh, nice.

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:13 So-

Lewis Howes 10:14 Same age

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:14 ... so yeah. So, um, my dad very much had a lot of the depression era-based thinking.

Lewis Howes 10:20 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:20 I mean, my garage looks like a fallout shelter with l- literally twine wrapped up because enough twine put together, you have a rope. I mean, that kind-

Lewis Howes 10:28 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:28 ... of, so very direct ways and indirect ways, I'm sure, my dad's messaging about money and holding and keeping, and then the consideration piece gets wrapped up in there for me.

Lewis Howes 10:40 You weren't being taken, you weren't being considered.

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:41 Not being considered.

Lewis Howes 10:42 Like you weren't being seen or weren't being thought about.

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:44 Not, yes. And that comes to my mother-

Lewis Howes 10:46 Oh

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:46 ... who was very much emotionally, completely vacant, absent, and so not feeling seen, heard, understood. So for me, when items would go missing, like my brownie that I really wanted, it was-

Lewis Howes 10:57 Hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 10:58 ... it became not only do I not have enough for me, but f, um, the, the meaning that I assigned-

Lewis Howes 11:04 You're not thinking about me either

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:04 ... was I'm not considered. And that would open up-

Lewis Howes 11:07 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:07 ... a really deep wound. So when my partner's looking at me like, "What the hell is wrong with you? It's a brownie, Nicole. I'll go get you another one."

Lewis Howes 11:12 Yeah, chill out. Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:12 You know what I mean? So, but in- inside I was like a little girl who was not being seen and was being told that-

Lewis Howes 11:17 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:17 ... there's not enough for me, and I mean, so that's where that pain was coming from when I was tearing around the apartment about my brownie. It wasn't about my brownie.

Lewis Howes 11:24 Right.

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:24 And I think that's the way that, I mean, if we all look at ourself and our patterns, and I'm always talking about developing self-observation to do that, all of our clues are there.

Lewis Howes 11:33 Hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:33 Our, our past is present with us, and that's why we're stuck, and that's why we can't, the way I see it at least, that's why a lot of us struggle to move forward, and that's why I hear the word stuck probably more often than I hear any word spoken.

Lewis Howes 11:45 So how do people get unstuck?

Dr. Nicole LePera 11:47 First, I think consciousness. We have to become conscious to ourself because we're in our autopilot 95% of the day if we're not conscious, and that's gonna be like the program. I mean, the computer analogy is, I think, the one that we all understand the most. That's gonna be the program that we're running day after day after day. So without consciousness, there is no change.

Lewis Howes 12:05 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:05 And then becoming conscious to our patterns. We are incredibly habitual creatures, us humans.

Lewis Howes 12:11 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:11 Whether it's our daily habits, you know, behavioral habits, whether or not it's our patterned thoughts that a lot of us have. We all tend to think the same content type thoughts. And then the way I see it is they induce feelings, actual changes in our body's physiology and our neurotransmitters and our-

Lewis Howes 12:27 Hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:27 ... stress hormones, and then that becomes our normal, um, and that becomes our stuck place. So without consciousness, I don't think change happens.

Lewis Howes 12:34 So awareness, consciousness.

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:35 Awareness, consciousness.

Lewis Howes 12:36 Awareness of our patterns-

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:37 Awareness

Lewis Howes 12:37 ... of our triggers-

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:38 Right

Lewis Howes 12:38 ... of our pain-

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:39 Yep

Lewis Howes 12:39 ... of the trauma.

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:40 Right.

Lewis Howes 12:41 Does that mean healing the past first and, and reflecting on all the past? Is that why people do therapy, talk therapy-

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:48 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 12:48 ... because you're talking about the, the, the things that created the pattern today?

Dr. Nicole LePera 12:52 Mm-hmm. Yeah. I am always a believer, and I explore this within myself a lot, how much is the past necessary, and I keep coming to the conclusion that it's necessary. That-

Lewis Howes 13:02 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:02 ... becoming self-observational, understanding, I think that developing a, through a mindfulness-based meditation practice is-

Lewis Howes 13:09 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:09 ... incredibly helpful-

Lewis Howes 13:10 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:10 ... because it actually helps us to fire up our brain in a new way that then allows for self-observation throughout the day.

Lewis Howes 13:17 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:17 Because I don't think, there's no magic cushion, there's no magic anything. And the way I see it, we can't do something once and then expect my day to look different magically because I've meditated in the morning. Yeah, there's some gains and some peace. I mean, a joke you made, like, "Oh, I meditate in the morning so I can, you know, calm my mind."

Lewis Howes 13:31 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:31 Yeah. There- We get a little residual-

Lewis Howes 13:33 Uh-huh

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:33 ... you know, carryout, carry away from sitting and meditating. But if I'm not watching myself throughout the day, and if I don't train myself to watch myself throughout the day-

Lewis Howes 13:42 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 13:43 ... to watch my patterns, to watch the thoughts that are causing those emotional reactions, and especially to see when, when I'm triggered, just when I'm having a big feeling about a current event, typically the feeling is really big 'cause it's about the meaning assigned to the event, the similarity of this now event based on my past experiences.

Lewis Howes 14:00 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:00 And so there's always a reason why things are way bigger than-

Lewis Howes 14:04 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:04 ... you know, they maybe ought to be logically in that moment.

Lewis Howes 14:07 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:07 And then that's where we dive in and give ourselves some new, either-

Lewis Howes 14:11 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:11 ... releasing the emotional valve, soothing our own emotional wounds in that moment, not looking outside of anyone or anything else to make us feel better. At least that's the way that I view it.

Lewis Howes 14:22 So you're saying no one else should be, uh, determining our happiness?

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:26 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:27 I'm a big proponent of-

Lewis Howes 14:28 Isn't that a shocker?

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:29 Yeah. Yeah. I talk a lot about interdependence is, is-

Lewis Howes 14:32 Yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:32 ... the kind of term that I've been going back to a lot recently.

Lewis Howes 14:34 What does that mean?

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:35 Essentially being, you know, because we are, we are social creatures as humans. Um, we actually benefited qui- quite greatly from having tribes, you know, as we were evolving in terms of safety and division of labor. So as I see it, we all, we need, quote, unquote, little N, we little N need relationships.

Lewis Howes 14:53 Yeah. Yes.

Dr. Nicole LePera 14:53 Um, but I think what interdependence means to me is being able to be a self-reliant and resilient, you know, a, a human, meeting all my physical, emotional needs separately, and then having that shared space of relationship.

Lewis Howes 15:07 How does someone become interdependent if they've been so reliant on the needs-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:11 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 15:11 ... of other people-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:12 Yes

Lewis Howes 15:12 ... especially, you know, under 18, the needs of parents for financial or-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:16 Yeah, mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 15:17 ... you know, housing-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:17 Yeah

Lewis Howes 15:18 ... food.

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 15:19 But, uh, if we're talking, you know, adults, how do you become interdependent-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:23 Mm-hmm. Well-

Lewis Howes 15:24 ... when you have a lot of trauma-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:25 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 15:26 ... or pain or-

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:27 Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, developmentally, Lewis, that is their reality. Up until a certain... At this point, I think unfortunately 'cause of some of the financial-

Lewis Howes 15:34 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:34 ... struggles that many people are having, I think even now adults are finding themselves much more compromised-

Lewis Howes 15:40 Yeah, of course

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:41 ... and dependent-

Lewis Howes 15:42 College debt and everything

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:42 ... yeah, place, or living, you know, back to live at home-

Lewis Howes 15:45 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:45 ... to be able to pay for college debt. I mean, it, it's really, it's, it's a shame. It's sad because I think we're shifting back into that more just necessary dependence. So-

Lewis Howes 15:55 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 15:55 ... wherever you sit on that spectrum, I think it's, you know, about breaking those patterns of looking outside of ourself to show up for others, take care of others, get my needs met by, you know, relating with others, whether it's 'cause they make me feel better, or they distract me, or I've learned that. I come by this really naturally myself. My family was, and a very large reason why I'm, I'm not able or I choose now not to have contact with them, is they are so enmeshed and codependent where there's just no boundary.

Lewis Howes 16:23 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 16:23 And direct and indirect messaging that I got growing up was that I was responsible for other people's feelings in particular. So for me, evolving out of that and starting to separate myself off and just see myself as a self-contained human also meant then showing up differently in my relationships, putting up the word we all love to hate, which is boundaries, and-

Lewis Howes 16:44 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 16:44 ... learning how to carve out space, not only physical space where my needs might be different than another person's needs in that given moment, but more importantly, emotional space. And that's, I think, a struggle that a lot of us have.

Lewis Howes 16:56 Yeah. I mean, I've... Man, I feel like there's a lot of people that struggle with family, family boundaries. I've gone through this challenge myself with different people in my family throughout the years, and on one end, I have a lot of guilt tied to responsibility to make sure my family's taken care of, at least basic needs, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 17:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 17:20 On the other end, I'm like, "Okay, we've all come from the same place. We all have certain skills and the capacity to take care of our ba- basic needs." It's not like we were homeless or something like that. Like, we all got college degrees. We're all very privileged in a certain sense, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 17:36 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 17:37 Um, sure, we all faced a level of trauma and have a, a, a level, our own level of limiting beliefs based on experiences and trauma that each one of us felt separately, but I still have this pro- this challenge with like, "Okay, do I just make sure everyone's taken care of all the time?" And then I feel taken advantage of or abused-

Dr. Nicole LePera 17:57 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 17:57 ... or not respected or whatever it is. Um, or do I set boundaries and have people potentially hate me and not wanna talk to me?

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:03 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:04 You know, you hear these, these catchphrases like, "Family is everything."

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:08 Oh.

Lewis Howes 18:08 "Always be there for your family."

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:10 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:10 "Nothing else matters-

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:11 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 18:11 ... but family." But what about our own emotional wellbeing? Doesn't that matter?

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:15 Yeah. That's a tough-

Lewis Howes 18:16 So how do we-

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:17 Yeah

Lewis Howes 18:17 ... how do we manage the guilt-

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:18 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 18:18 ... and pressure and, and the feeling of responsibility of needing to provide for our family or take care at all costs versus having personal freedom and peace in our own heart?

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:31 Yeah, absolutely. It's tough. I, I, I l- Made that noise when you said that first one 'cause family is everything might as well have been a plaque-

Lewis Howes 18:37 In your home, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:37 ... in my home. Fam- I mean, that was said as a mantra, "Family is everything. Family is everything. Family is everything."

Lewis Howes 18:43 Right.

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:43 It was under the guise of the Italian, you know, culture. My dad is very much, you know, kind of 100% Italian. Um, so it was-

Lewis Howes 18:50 And if you're not a part of the family is everything motto-

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:52 Yeah

Lewis Howes 18:52 ... you might as well not be in the family.

Dr. Nicole LePera 18:53 Yeah, it was really. So a lot of us, I do know that we get that direct. Some of it's a bit more indirect, where you're just kind of not urged or things aren't fa- aren't fostered that take you out of that family unit. So there's a lot of ways that I see it-

Lewis Howes 19:06 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 19:06 ... that these messages are internalized, and then we become the adult that begins to believe that ourself on some level. So the thing I will always say first and foremost is boundaries suck, especially when you're creating them with our families.

Lewis Howes 19:19 Ask the question.

Dr. Nicole LePera 19:19 I mean, these are dynamics that have been sit in pl- set in place for as long as some of us have walked the earth. So when we change a dynamic that's already one way, it sucks even more. However-

Lewis Howes 19:29 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 19:29 ... I say that because it's uncomfortable to put up boundaries and to start to define the limits of what it will no longer work for you. But what I see that saving ultimately over time, so the immediate discomfort, that's really uncomfortable for some of us.

Lewis Howes 19:43 It might be immediate for years, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 19:44 It might be. Yeah, but it... The way I see it, it, on the other side is a much more sustainable relationship. 'Cause even in the description you said, right, I start to feel resentful, taken advantage of, and the problem there is I then look to these people who are taking advantage of me or not respecting me or not giving me something back, and I get mad at them, and then the relationship suffers. But unfortunately, I have to look at me and the role that I played in continuing to show up-

Lewis Howes 20:08 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:08 ... in a situation that wasn't working for me.

Lewis Howes 20:12 Wow. So when did you, uh, I guess, leave talking to your family-

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:17 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 20:17 ... or connecting with them? How long has it been?

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:18 So it's been, it's been officially a year. Um, but this was-

Lewis Howes 20:22 Right when you started Instagram

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:23 ... right when I started Instagram. Right. But this was a, I mean, it was several... I mean, one might say it was a lifetime in the making.

Lewis Howes 20:29 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:29 Um, because-

Lewis Howes 20:30 You tried to make it work.

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:31 I tried.

Lewis Howes 20:31 You tried to separate.

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:32 You stayed in. You stayed-

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:33 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:33 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:33 Mm-hmm. And so part of the situation with me, and again, I, I never prescribe my path as for everyone.

Lewis Howes 20:38 Sure.

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:38 We all have different journeys on this planet. So part of the situation that made it in- inherently more complicated was the fact that my mom, my dad, and my older sister, who is 15 years older than me-

Lewis Howes 20:49 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:49 ... um, I was a much later in life child, um, live in the same home.

Lewis Howes 20:53 They all live together.

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:54 Live in the same home, yeah, with my nephew as well. My sister is-

Lewis Howes 20:57 Your parents are what, 70?

Dr. Nicole LePera 20:59 So my, my mom will be... She just turned 79. My dad, I think, is 82.

Lewis Howes 21:04 Wow. And your s-

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:05 So-

Lewis Howes 21:05 ... older sister, who's-

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:06 And my older sister is 52

Lewis Howes 21:08 ... 50.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:08 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 21:08 Sh- they all live together.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:09 They live together in the home and now my 12-year-old nephew. So-

Lewis Howes 21:12 And he, he lives there.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:13 They all live in the home.

Lewis Howes 21:14 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:15 So talk about a living-

Lewis Howes 21:16 So you don't live there.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:17 So I, I [laughs] I escaped.

Lewis Howes 21:18 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:19 I've gotten out. I, I actually got the hell out as soon as I turned-

Lewis Howes 21:21 18, 20? Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:21 ... a little college age. I think I was 17 when I flew out to college-

Lewis Howes 21:25 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:25 ... and I was out of there. But I say that because I tried every version of separate relationships with them.

Lewis Howes 21:31 Like what? What are those versions?

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:32 You know, hey, my sister's name is Suzanne. Suzanne, you know, let me try to, you know, have a separate relationship over here with you where we don't talk... My mom is chronically ill.

Lewis Howes 21:41 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:41 So another bit of my background, uh, my mom is chronically ill and has been my, my entire life.

Lewis Howes 21:46 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:46 Um, there's now a bit of a, a pain pill, not a full-blown addiction. I mean, she just is really-

Lewis Howes 21:51 Yeah, numbing the pain

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:51 ... tolerating.

Lewis Howes 21:52 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:52 I mean, that's exactly what it is, Lewis-

Lewis Howes 21:53 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:53 ... to be honest. But, so pretty much my mom is the orbit around that my whole family kind of, you know, kind of-

Lewis Howes 21:59 Nucleus, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 21:59 ... shifts. Yeah, she's the nucleus.

Lewis Howes 22:01 Interesting.

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:01 So Mom's health, Mom's... And my mom has had, when I was in my early 20s, which was probably at the height of my anxiety, um, where I might as well... I was living in New York. It might as well have been one panic attack after another that I was living 'cause my mom was actually having, um, a pretty serious heart surgery at the time. So yeah, there's like micro health things, so, but it's always, "How's Mom doing? Is Mom okay? Mom has this health thing."

Lewis Howes 22:24 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:24 So one of the versions that I tried was having a separate relationship where we don't, you know, talk about Mom and health and-

Lewis Howes 22:31 Talk about life in general. Our life

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:33 ... anything. I mean, I would talk about the dogs.

Lewis Howes 22:35 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:35 I mean, you know, what you watched on television, just-

Lewis Howes 22:36 Yeah, anything

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:37 ... and it just couldn't, you know? And then-

Lewis Howes 22:39 She couldn't, or-

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:39 She couldn't. Beyond that, it was always, you know, I was needed to go to this doctor's appointment and that, and it was just this endless-

Lewis Howes 22:45 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 22:45 ... search for this cure or this illness that it, it just got really complicated. Tried separate relationship with my dad. My dad might as well be a million miles away, just always worried about my mom. My mom is just now at this point with the pain pills completely on another planet. So I say it was a year ago when I finally... But I tried every version of direct communication.

Lewis Howes 23:05 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:05 I would just remove myself, not go over as frequently. Then I would get the "Goddammit" text. "Where are you? Call us back."

Lewis Howes 23:11 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:11 "We're worried about you." So much anxiety. So finally about a year ago.

Lewis Howes 23:15 So what do you say when you create a boundary of separation from your family? Are you saying, "I'm choosing not to speak with any of you anymore. If you wanna talk to me, feel free, but it's not gonna be on your terms"?

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:27 Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 23:27 What do you say to them?

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:28 So I mean, what, the way I suggest is a boundary is an I statement. So if this continues to happen, I will no longer whatever. So obviously it depends.

Lewis Howes 23:37 What a threat.

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:38 So I mean, that's what-

Lewis Howes 23:39 You're threatening me?

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:39 That's what people-

Lewis Howes 23:40 Right? They make you-

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:40 That's what people think it is. Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 23:41 ... they manipulate and guilt you, and you're like-

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:43 Mm-hmm. I think the difference, and it's interesting, I was talking with Melissa Hartwig on her podcast-

Lewis Howes 23:47 Uh-huh

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:47 ... and she asked what is the difference between weaponizing boundaries and a bo- you know, having a boundary, and what is this idea of ultimatum? 'Cause I think it's a really, that's how it's received.

Lewis Howes 23:57 So boundary is an ultimatum.

Dr. Nicole LePera 23:58 But yeah, I mean, it, it is, but the way I see the difference is I'm not saying you, you know, I'm gonna do some-

Lewis Howes 24:03 Uh.

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:03 This is me. If this is my limit, and if that gets crossed, I am now going to take myself away to end the conversation, to kindly talk to you when you're a bit calmer, right?

Lewis Howes 24:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:13 And I think that any time it's me or I based and not, I think that's when we can shift out of that idea. However, Lewis, I mean, of course there's gonna be someone on the receiving end of that that might, I mean, say-

Lewis Howes 24:23 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:23 ... and so I, at my meditation yesterday, I met a lot of followers, and it was an incredible experience, and they m- more often than not, every three mention the concept of boundaries- The fact that, A, they had no idea what a boundary was until they started to read my work and other people's works. Then they started to use boundaries and were talking about how incredibly difficult it is. I actually put a post up today about a lot of the, the feedback that one gets.

Lewis Howes 24:49 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:49 You know, where we're told we're selfish-

Lewis Howes 24:50 I read that, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:50 ... we're holier than thou.

Lewis Howes 24:51 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:51 Who the hell do we think we are, putting up these boundaries? So, I mean, the, the, the short of it is they're- they n- they typically aren't received-

Lewis Howes 24:58 Well, no

Dr. Nicole LePera 24:58 ... the best. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 24:58 There's always gonna be some type of s- uh, some type of manipulation or guilting or-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:02 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 25:02 ... are you better than me now-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:04 Yeah

Lewis Howes 25:04 ... or you've changed, like you wrote in your post today. Man, so how- what was the reaction like for you with your family when you said, "Okay, I'm choosing to do this if-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 25:13 ... this continues to happen"?

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:14 So in the beginning it was kind of just [laughs] another joke in my family, is you might as well talk to this wall right here.

Lewis Howes 25:19 Right.

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:20 So it was heard, um, it wasn't responded to, but three days later, three texts later, you know, back was the content that I wasn't interested in talking about. Or, like I said, I would try to experiment with a little more distance between calls or visits, and then every now and again it would get met with either anger or worry. Where am I? You know, am I, am I dead in a ditch somewhe- I mean, just, just these crazy-

Lewis Howes 25:43 So do you just not respond to their texts anymore-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:45 I would just-

Lewis Howes 25:45 ... or would you say, "Please don't r- message me-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:47 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 25:47 ... unless it's something-

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:48 Yeah

Lewis Howes 25:48 ... like positive?"

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:49 Yes, yes, yes, yes. Or and it, and if it was direct content that I wasn't interested in discussing, I would say, you know, "I, I, I've asked us not to talk about this."

Lewis Howes 25:57 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 25:57 You know, "I don't care to have this conversation." You know, "I don't..."

Lewis Howes 26:00 It sounds like unless you create a bound- we get what we tolerate in life, so unless we create boundaries or guidelines, we're gonna continue to get the things that we tolerate.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:10 Mm-hmm, yeah.

Lewis Howes 26:10 And if you don't like something but you tolerate it-

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:13 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 26:13 ... you can't expect someone else to change-

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:15 Yeah, yes

Lewis Howes 26:15 ... if you continue to tolerate that thing.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:17 Yes.

Lewis Howes 26:17 Until you make a clear request, "This is my request that we only talk about these things," or, "Eliminate this from our relationship," or whatever it may be, and moving forward if that doesn't happen, I wanna create a boundary for myself, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:31 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 26:31 We have to create a request.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 26:33 And it can't be an angry, mean request.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:35 No.

Lewis Howes 26:35 It needs to be like a calm, loving request.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:36 Yes, yes.

Lewis Howes 26:37 Usually it sounds like it's never gonna be a calm response, um, because the person may not wanna change, but-

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:44 Yeah

Lewis Howes 26:44 ... that's the way it's gotta be-

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:45 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 26:45 ... it sounds like.

Dr. Nicole LePera 26:46 Mm-hmm. Well, I s- I, I always define three steps. The first one is to define it for yourself, and for some people we don't know at first. We don- we're not, we've never heard of what a boundary is. We don't know that we can. Um, so this is, I, I always say this is an individual process of looking within. Maybe kind of step back-

Lewis Howes 27:02 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:02 ... engage some of your relationships. See the ones that are working and what looks or feels difference abo- different about those and the ones that aren't working. So that's a process, so defining your boundary. Then m- putting up, enacting your boundary-

Lewis Howes 27:14 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:14 ... where you're communicating it. I, I love you already very intuitively set at a calm time where ne- both parties are not reactive. You're not gonna s- shout this out in a fight. It's probably not gonna be the best time. Objective language I think is really great where you-

Lewis Howes 27:27 Make it about you, right

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:28 ... where you just make it about you, right? And you just, you know, not, no, no, no fingers.

Lewis Howes 27:33 You're wrong, you're bad.

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:33 It's not you. You know, "You're, you guys are crazy, so I'm never coming over" -

Lewis Howes 27:36 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:36 ... probably not gonna be the most well received. And then the third step is also our responsibility and only ours, is maintaining it.

Lewis Howes 27:43 Follow through on it.

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:43 Is following through.

Lewis Howes 27:44 Keeping your word.

Dr. Nicole LePera 27:44 Because the second we don't do that, we do send the message that enough guilt, enough anger can... And, and I, and I, I say this too, and I know this can, you know, kind of, um, I don't... The way people can receive this can be, you know, ma- many different ways. But a lot of times we're not upholding our boundary 'cause of how we feel. We, I ca- I call it the feel bads.

Lewis Howes 28:04 Oh, the feel bads.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:04 You know, so we take our boundary down-

Lewis Howes 28:05 I've got that

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:05 ... so that we don't feel... I, oh, I come by-

Lewis Howes 28:07 I've got a feel bad.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:08 Why do you think I talk about them? I come by the feel bads as part of my family.

Lewis Howes 28:10 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:10 I mean, we love to feel bad, right? But I say that because, again, it's, it's our job to tolerate the way we're feeling.

Lewis Howes 28:16 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:16 And it's our job to tolerate our feel bad and not to do the easy thing that's gonna take our feel bad away, which is acquie-

Lewis Howes 28:22 To keep the peace, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:22 ... acquiescing, yeah.

Lewis Howes 28:23 And then be resentful all over again and be angry all over again.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:25 At that person.

Lewis Howes 28:26 Yeah, exactly.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:26 And I know that that's, that's where some people are. Well, you know, it's... So I actually, it's like a self... A lot of the times, and I'll even go a little bit deeper into this, a lot of the times that we struggle with boundaries is because of our own feelings.

Lewis Howes 28:37 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:37 We don't wanna put limits up 'cause of how it makes us feel.

Lewis Howes 28:40 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:40 Yes, we don't wanna hurt people that we love, and a lot of us wanna show up as a caring individual in the world. I, myself included, I fancy myself a very kind, considerate person, but there, there's a limit and a lot of times a reason why we don't even initially have boundaries, again, 'cause we weren't modeled them, but because we don't like how it feels.

Lewis Howes 28:58 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 28:58 We feel bad.

Lewis Howes 28:59 Yeah. 'Cause, 'cause you don't want someone else... You as a people pleaser, you don't wanna hurt someone else.

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:04 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 29:04 Even if you need to for your own sanity-

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:08 Yeah

Lewis Howes 29:08 ... you still don't wanna hurt people.

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:09 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 29:10 You don't want someone-

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:10 'Cause then you feel bad

Lewis Howes 29:10 ... angry at you 'cause then you're like, "Oh, they don't like me," right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:13 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 29:14 But that's where manipulation and guilting comes into play and it's just like... I learned a lot in the last few years about setting bound- Like, I used to really care about everyone's opinion about me. Like, really, and wanna try to like win them over. If like one negative review, like how can I win this person over?

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:31 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 29:31 Even though there's thousands of positive comments or whatever it on something. And now it's just like I'm not gonna be able to change someone's mind necessarily, and me putting energy on one person to try to make them like, like me more is a waste of time.

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 29:45 We've gotta, I think we've gotta continue to just reflect on like, "Okay, this person's not resonating with me. Uh, is there something I can do to improve, to move forward? But if not, I'm not gonna put my energy on trying to save one person's-

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:57 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 29:57 ... opinion about me," right? So-

Dr. Nicole LePera 29:59 Yeah

Lewis Howes 29:59 ... I like this. So setting boundaries. Define the boundary, creating like a calm communicational request with the boundary, and then staying your word and following through on the boundary. Otherwise it'll never be met.

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:11 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:11 So how do you feel a year later not talking to your family now?

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:15 It's been a, it's been a year. I mean, coming to the decision to not talk to them was complicated. It was really difficult, and that's why I speak very openly and honestly about it too, 'cause I think I was... I'm very surprised when I get messages of other people that have, have certain amounts of distance between their family, complete no contact. And I didn't, was not aware that there were so many other people that, you know, had had to put or had chosen to put distance in. Um, because I did not come by that decision, um, easily. It was, it was-

Lewis Howes 30:41 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:41 ... painful for me-

Lewis Howes 30:42 35 years of your life

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:43 ... to do that. Yeah. And, and I don't wanna hurt them-

Lewis Howes 30:46 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:46 ... and I do love them, and I do want what's best for them, but I also have to love-

Lewis Howes 30:50 Yourself

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:51 ... me and want what's best for me. So- When I say it's been a hard year, I, I mean, I have moments, you know, the holidays and-

Lewis Howes 30:58 Sh-

Dr. Nicole LePera 30:58 There's the positive and the negative of that now, you know? On the one hand, it's like, oh, I can actually choose what I wanna do for the holiday. That was completely new. Me and my partner are starting to make our own-

Lewis Howes 31:07 Life

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:07 ... traditions.

Lewis Howes 31:08 Yeah, that's cool.

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:08 Because a requirement of family is everything is you better believe you're showing up for the big Italian Christmas gathering. So I was, I was given little flexibility to have space apart around holidays.

Lewis Howes 31:19 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:19 But obviously, the other side of that came sadness, knowing that my family was having a holiday without me-

Lewis Howes 31:24 Without you, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:24 ... with my nephew who's young there. I mean, it's, it's, it's complicated on a lot of levels.

Lewis Howes 31:28 And they might be talking bad about you or whatever.

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:30 Oh, I know. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 31:31 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:31 I know that it, you know, it's being viewed, probably not me, I'm pretty positive, and my partner is very aware of this herself, that she's probably been villainized. It's probably her who's taken me away from the fam-

Lewis Howes 31:41 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 31:41 ... I mean, you know, whatever story that they wanna g- are gonna create, they're gonna create.

Lewis Howes 31:46 It's tough though because, you know, unfortunately, sometimes if family is only destructive towards you, you, you shouldn't have to stay there and be responsible for their joy and happiness for decades if they're always destructive towards your-

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:01 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 32:01 ... health, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:01 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:02 On another end, you could say, "Well, I'm just not gonna allow it to affect me. I'll be around them. I'll still show up."

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:08 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:08 "I won't, like, distance myself from the family, but I'm just not going to allow their thoughts or words or actions towards me affect me." Is that something that's healthy too, though? Just to be in the space while there's manipulation, guilt, shaming, or whatever, judgment, whatever's happening in family dynamics.

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:26 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:26 Can- should people do that, or should they more separate themselves fully from family if it's a constant-

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:31 I think if they can. I mean, if they can-

Lewis Howes 32:32 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:32 ... find the way. So for me, I got really good at being okay with it because what I would do, and I didn't, even though I heard this word in my schooling, um, I did not realize that this is what I was doing, is I would dissociate. I would-

Lewis Howes 32:46 Dissociate?

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:46 Dissociate, yeah. So I would, I call it my spaceship-

Lewis Howes 32:48 Yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:48 ... where I would go away on. I got very-

Lewis Howes 32:50 You weren't present.

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:50 I wasn't present. I mean, I got very savvy. You would not have any idea, having a conversation with me, you know, I would be in that-

Lewis Howes 32:56 You're looking through me.

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:57 Yeah, so let's-

Lewis Howes 32:57 Not at me

Dr. Nicole LePera 32:57 ... yeah, so let's, let me tie this all together. The reason I could not remember my childhood-

Lewis Howes 33:00 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:01 ... is because I dissociated, so I wasn't-

Lewis Howes 33:02 Constantly, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:03 ... present enough to put it in, so there's nothing there to re-access. So that's just to tie that all in.

Lewis Howes 33:09 You were physically present, but you were not-

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:10 I was physic- but that was out of-

Lewis Howes 33:12 ... emotionally present

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:12 ... yeah, because of the emotional overwhelm of the family, the anxiety, and no one modeling or helping me to navigate those feelings, as we do as children. I will always say this. As children, I believe we come to this planet, however you think we get here, as adaptive, intuitive creatures.

Lewis Howes 33:27 Yeah, of course.

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:28 We all have a guidance system, and we all are incredibly flexible and adaptive.

Lewis Howes 33:32 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:32 So I adapted. I dealt with my own emotions my own way, which was-

Lewis Howes 33:35 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:35 ... I dissociated. So some people, though, in adulthood can find the way to show up with their families, not, I, like I s- I talk a lot about depersonalizing, simply meaning not owning it. You know, even if they say something negative to you, if you can see that as more of a reflection of them-

Lewis Howes 33:50 Of them, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:51 ... you can maybe b- maybe come and go and leave that interaction and be okay enough. You know what to expect.

Lewis Howes 33:56 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:56 You're not expecting them to change.

Lewis Howes 33:58 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 33:58 You arrive, you deal with it.

Lewis Howes 34:00 You laugh at the situation. You-

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:01 You can maybe... I think humor is incredible.

Lewis Howes 34:03 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:03 And then you leave. Um, I did not find myself able, though, for that.

Lewis Howes 34:07 To, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:08 Um, I did not wanna use my old habit of dissociation, and then, like I said, because of just the living structure and-

Lewis Howes 34:14 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:14 ... just the in-depth and ingrained-ness-

Lewis Howes 34:17 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:17 ... of their dynamics, it was much harder for me to find that okay space. I don't know, honestly, what the future brings. I'm just, I'm doing and I'm using. And so part of what would happen, I would go back, you know, to visit, and then my partner would notice this as well, and I would then become almost regressed.

Lewis Howes 34:33 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:33 I'd become reactive. So I was trying to heal, but I would only get so far, and then I'd be pulled right back down. Or the next health crisis, I'd be pulled right back in. So my healing was limited. So this year has been incredible for me to be able to actually gain some more full-

Lewis Howes 34:48 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 34:48 ... traction to do my own inner healing so that I don't know if a future comes and I can have some version of contact with them. I'm not sure. But I know that I have to be in a different place if I am going to be that person who can-

Lewis Howes 35:01 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:01 ... come home, let them be them, and leave that home intact.

Lewis Howes 35:06 Well, I'm curious. I feel like a lot of people have challenges, right? Whether it be family or limiting beliefs, scarcity, relationships, health, whatever it may be, and a lot of people do talk therapy. But why does it seem like most traditional talk therapy doesn't work-

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:23 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 35:23 ... and people keep going?

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:25 And how can it-

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:26 Yeah

Lewis Howes 35:26 ... work better for them? What do they need to do-

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:28 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 35:28 ... so that it starts to see benefits and results?

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:30 Yeah. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:32 What's your thoughts?

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:32 I'm really happy you asked that. Um, so [lip smack] one of the reasons, I think, and this is, this happened in my own life, so anxiety was all I knew. Um, I went to multiple years of talk therapy myself. I was actually in an, what is called a psychoanalytic training program. So think Freud, the couch, clocking.

Lewis Howes 35:50 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 35:51 I mean, these are people that go into treatment hour, I mean, uh, each day of the week, you know, five days a week for an hour. So I was training in that modality, and part of that training was we had to lay on the couch ourself. And so at some points, I was up in, in therapy two hours a week.

Lewis Howes 36:06 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 36:06 Um, I was on medication. I had, you know, my, my SSRI, my benzo in the back pocket. Um, and I was taking the traditional routes of treatment, and I still wasn't getting better. So for me, realizing that we have to look at the whole person, that's why I now work holistically, that there's a body that I'm, that my mind that's unwell, if you will, is attached to.

Lewis Howes 36:26 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 36:26 So for me, it was exploring the nutritional, the sleep, all of the lifestyle-based stuff because I was so physiologically out of balance that I wasn't able to... A lot of my symptoms, really-

Lewis Howes 36:39 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 36:39 ... of anxiety even, sometimes even of depression or what we think of as depression, are the result of this physiological imbalance.

Lewis Howes 36:45 Yeah, lack of sleep, anxiety constantly-

Dr. Nicole LePera 36:46 Yeah, big time. Food-

Lewis Howes 36:47 Stress, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 36:47 ... gut dama- I mean, we now know that the gut is incredibly important in our health. It's not only where nutrients are absorbed, that damage to the gut results in chronic inflammation that can be really, really problematic, you know, in terms of our mental wellness. So for me- Without that, um, I was just contributing and exacerbating my anxiety. So no amount of talking in a room, the way I see it-

Lewis Howes 37:10 No

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:10 ... or even medication, because we also now know that the medication that we thought all the neurotransmitters were in our brain, now like I said, are in our gut, so.

Lewis Howes 37:18 Yeah, so we're doing talk therapy then having a gallon of ice cream and a pizza afterwards.

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:21 Right. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 37:22 It's probably not gonna help us.

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:23 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 37:23 'Cause we're gonna go up, down-

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:24 Yeah, yep

Lewis Howes 37:24 ... up, down, up, down constantly.

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:26 Yeah. So and, and I can assure you, I have yet to find a program or meet a clinician, and I now have a, a [laughs] a whole network of them that I'm connected to, that have had any version of that. I mean, the nutrition, the gut, the body is not mentioned in any, in any training program. So I think that's a huge limitation. I also know that an- another big, big problem for a lot of us, whether or not we have the big T of trauma or the lo- the little T of trauma, is a dysregulated nervous system.

Lewis Howes 37:51 Yeah, the sympathetic, parasympathetic.

Dr. Nicole LePera 37:51 So now there's science, yes. So now there's a incredible amount of science, Steven, Dr. Stephen Porges is amazing. He does polyvagal theory. And so to, to put it really simple, unless we start to address that dysregulation in our nervous system, that at this par- part most of us have, that's gonna limit treatment.

Lewis Howes 38:09 So the sympathetic, is that fight or flight?

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:11 Fight or flight. Most of us are spending-

Lewis Howes 38:13 So all the time

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:13 ... most of our time chronically in fight or flight.

Lewis Howes 38:15 60, 70% of our day.

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:15 Yeah. I mean, from this, I mean, I'm looking out at the vast city in the background. I mean, some, for some of us, the city-

Lewis Howes 38:21 The destruction, the noise

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:21 ... is enough.

Lewis Howes 38:22 Yeah. [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:22 My mind has now taken on a whole other-

Lewis Howes 38:25 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:25 ... capacity to induce stress. So a lot of us humans are living chronically stressed, chronically.

Lewis Howes 38:29 You could be in peace, you could be in nature, but your mind could be-

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:32 Right. Yes

Lewis Howes 38:33 ... in traffic.

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:33 Yes.

Lewis Howes 38:34 Thinking and anxious about-

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:35 Yes, and then you could, you could have induced it completely in a panic attack.

Lewis Howes 38:38 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:38 I mean, I've seen it happen in my office, you know, content we're talking about, before I know it, the person's having a, a complete visceral reaction.

Lewis Howes 38:45 They're sweating, they're, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:45 Right. So without regulation of that nervous system, I see that treatment, talking about it only goes so far because we had a great session. Thanks, Lewis.

Lewis Howes 38:53 So band-aid.

Dr. Nicole LePera 38:53 See you next week, and now I'm out, out the door with my overactive nervous system, and that next thing's gonna activate me, and the next thing's gonna activate me.

Lewis Howes 39:00 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:00 And I'm gonna have a fight with my partner. That also speaks to the power of the subconscious.

Lewis Howes 39:05 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:05 So what therapy is, is talking from the conscious mind. We can have a great insightful, you know, therapy session. I can understand. I can even have a great game plan, but then I'm back out the door, and if I'm not conscious, I'm back in my subconscious.

Lewis Howes 39:18 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:18 And then I'm back in those patterns. So then what I would see week after week, me, me too. I thought I was very insightful. I thought I knew myself, right? And I'd work with people, we had a great session, and back the next week and it's the same report. Oh, got in the same fights with my partner.

Lewis Howes 39:31 Right.

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:31 Just can't... Still stressed out about work, and it's like nothing's changing, and it's because, again, therapy, the way I see it, only addresses that conscious mind. Even the best laid plans of what we're gonna do, that next time we're activated only go as far as me remembering to do-

Lewis Howes 39:46 Being aware and mindful in the moment-

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:47 ... and staying conscious-

Lewis Howes 39:47 ... when we're triggered, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 39:48 ... to do these new things. So I think that those, whether it's the lack of the body attention, the lack of addressing the dysregulated nervous system, or really us not understanding, I mean, the subconscious is, as crazy as this might sound, not talked about in, in any training program. So unless these clinicians are given these tools, I think that a lot of them are gonna...

Lewis Howes 40:10 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 40:10 And so part of it, I was nervous. I wasn't, I wasn't sure when I started to go and shout from the rooftops these new holistic methods, and how I did, you know, find the traditional model, model to be limiting. I was nervous about what my peers were gonna say.

Lewis Howes 40:24 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 40:25 And they've been nothing but receptive, and I think a bit relieved.

Lewis Howes 40:28 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 40:28 I actually offer professional mentorship sessions now, and I have at least one or two professionals a week that I'll speak to-

Lewis Howes 40:33 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 40:34 ... and help to update, help them to update their practices in these ways because they say it, they know it, they're stuck. They're probably stuck in their own life too, and they don't see the, they think their clinical work being as effective as they know on some level it could be.

Lewis Howes 40:48 Yeah. So how do we regulate our nervous system, I guess? Or what, is that what you're saying, nervous system?

Dr. Nicole LePera 40:54 Yeah, yeah, nervous system. So our goal is, so we are actually structured as humans to be spending all of our time in the other nervous system, the parasympathetic, um-

Lewis Howes 41:02 Relaxing

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:02 ... in that relaxed mode only-

Lewis Howes 41:05 Out in the sun

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:05 ... yeah, one might think.

Lewis Howes 41:06 Relax.

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:06 Only to need, right, when we are literally at risk-

Lewis Howes 41:09 Like we're needing to go eat

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:11 ... um, or at threat. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 41:12 Or, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:12 So, um, the, the tool that I'm talking always about is breathwork. Through conscious breathing, this, the easiest one being just retraining the way you naturally breathe. Most of us as humans now have evolved to being-

Lewis Howes 41:23 Chest

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:24 ... a bit of a shallow chest-based breather. So even just, so for me, I couldn't, when I first started doing breathwork, I was, like, gasping for air. I'm lying down trying to get a deep belly breath in, and now I've practiced consistently enough that I breathe mainly from my belly, um, which indicates-

Lewis Howes 41:38 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:38 ... to me that I'm spending more and more time... There are still times where if I'm feeling particularly stressed, I'll have to remind myself to breathe, as crazy as that sounds.

Lewis Howes 41:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 41:45 I catch myself holding my breath, or I catch my breath being a little more shallow. So that's one that when I work with clients I talk about right off the bat because being able, I don't see anything, honestly, as empowering as being able to begin to consciously gain control of the way your body is physiologically reacting, especially if you sit on that anxiety spectrum, and definitely if you have panic attacks. 'Cause I know that they feel like the most out of control place in the world to be. So to show people that, wait a minute, I can start to pr- and again, these aren't the magic elixirs. We can't breathe from the belly twice or just use it as needed-

Lewis Howes 42:15 Right, or five

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:15 ... as a lot of us wanna do, you know? It's not that. But if you do practice it, you can start to feel a bit more in control.

Lewis Howes 42:21 So-

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:21 And I don't find anything as empowering as that.

Lewis Howes 42:24 Yeah. And when we can calm the mind, then we can make a lot better decisions.

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:26 Yes.

Lewis Howes 42:27 But when we're in constant stress-

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:28 Yes

Lewis Howes 42:28 ... or fight or flight in the mind and the body-

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:30 Yeah

Lewis Howes 42:31 ... it's hard to be, uh, mindful of our reactions.

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:35 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 42:35 We're just gonna go back to our patterns-

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:37 Yeah

Lewis Howes 42:37 ... of the past, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:38 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I love that you said that because the mind and body are connected. They're interconnected. So just as much as you, like you and I just said, I sit here and think stressful thoughts, I'm having a stress body-

Lewis Howes 42:47 Yeah, an intense-

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:48 ... reaction. Our mind is monitoring our body's reaction too. So if my body is having a reaction-

Lewis Howes 42:55 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 42:55 ... with, and the stress hormones, they have a longer shelf life. I mean, cortisol, adrenaline takes our body a bit to metabolize those.

Lewis Howes 43:01 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 43:02 So our mind is gonna continue to register that our body is stressed, and it's gonna try to make sense of it. So then it's gonna make it even harder to calm or to redirect our attention from a racing mind.

Lewis Howes 43:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 43:13 So it's very interconnected. So that's why I talk about attentional control, getting the hell out of those thoughts-

Lewis Howes 43:19 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 43:20 ... that are becoming the issue and inducing the body experience, but also calming the body so that we can clip that up- ... message too

Lewis Howes 43:28 Yeah, yeah. It's working on both, for sure.

Dr. Nicole LePera 43:31 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 43:31 You know, it's like I try to think about, like, if my mind is a, you know, is a bucket, right? And there's thoughts that I can put in the bucket all day, and there's thoughts that are coming in and leaving the bucket. How do I constantly fill it with positive, uh, peaceful, loving, beautiful thoughts as opposed to chaotic, stressful thoughts?

Dr. Nicole LePera 43:52 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 43:53 And I just try to decide every moment to have more beautiful thoughts than negative thoughts. And a lot of my practice is breathwork, meditation, and gratitude.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:03 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:04 S- simple things. It's really basic, simple things. And the more I focus on gratitude, I find that my mind is in a peaceful, beautiful state, and there's no room for negativity-

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:14 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 44:14 ... when it's in a beautiful state. So it's a practice because when we're in stress mode and we're in scarcity mode, it's hard to think beautiful thoughts.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:23 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 44:24 'Cause you're just like, "I'm gonna die."

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:25 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:25 That's how you feel.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:26 Like, "No one loves me. They're attacking me"-

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:28 Yeah. Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 44:28 ... and this negativity and these negative emotions come up.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:31 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:31 So I just try to focus on gratitude-

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:34 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 44:34 ... for what I have, and that brings more peace and positive thoughts-

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:36 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 44:37 ... into the bucket every day.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:38 Yeah. Well, you're actually speaking to something that's very real, too. Part of the fight or flight response is a shrinking of our perceptual field-

Lewis Howes 44:45 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:45 ... where we cannot see those expansive areas outside. We only can see the immediate, and we're actually primed to see threat.

Lewis Howes 44:55 Huh.

Dr. Nicole LePera 44:55 So that's why it's always typically colored negative. So those of us that are living, this is why it's also imperatively important to, to get out of fight or flight or to build and practice that over time will shift us a bit more out of fight or flight because we are, and this also goes into the whole financial climate. When you're living under stress, even if it's financially induced stress, "I can't pay my bills," you are now dealing with a, a shrunken perceptual field that makes it hard to lock out of that.

Lewis Howes 45:22 It's funny, but once you start focusing on gratitude in scarcity-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:26 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:26 ... you start to create more abundance-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:28 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:29 ... and opportunities to generate-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:30 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:31 ... you know, financial income-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:33 Yep, mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:33 ... or the right partnership or whatever it may be.

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:35 Yeah, mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 45:36 So it's hard to get out of that, but if you just focus on like-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:38 Yeah, mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:38 ... "Okay, what am I grateful for, and how can my energy shift to be a magnetic force field of good to come to me"-

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:44 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 45:44 ... good and finances?"

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:44 That's what it is. I mean, that's why gratitude, there's... I'm so excited now 'cause it's actually getting studied a bit, um, that gratitude does shift us vibrationally, energetically, that even a small practice, list one, two things a day that you're grateful for-

Lewis Howes 45:59 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 45:59 ... does have those effects, and it's becoming more and more proven that it does-

Lewis Howes 46:03 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:03 ... because it, it's, it's shifting our brainwaves to a different frequency.

Lewis Howes 46:06 I always think about, um, you know, people in service at restaurants. When someone's waiting on you and they come with a grateful, positive energy, I guarantee they're making more tips-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:20 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:20 ... than if someone's negative-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:21 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:21 ... and focused in their own head and just angry or down on themselves. You're attracting less.

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:27 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 46:27 You're attracting what you're creating in the world.

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:30 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 46:30 And I always hear these great stories of people that are so positive. It's like I wanna hire these people at these restaurants who are so positive and bring gratitude. I'm like, if you're grateful in this situation-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:41 Yes

Lewis Howes 46:41 ... I can imagine how you would implement this energy-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:43 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:43 ... to something else.

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 46:45 And I feel like they're attracting more of what they want-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:47 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:48 ... by being grateful and their way of being, their energy. It's not easy.

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:51 Mm-mm.

Lewis Howes 46:52 It's a practice. [lips smack] So how did you start to, to eliminate scarcity in your own life? What did you focus on-

Dr. Nicole LePera 46:58 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:58 ... when you recognized, okay, one of my living beliefs is not being seen or being scarce? So what were the steps that you did? Did you start to do inner child work right away?

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:07 Yeah, so first I, I, first I practiced consistent s- self-observation. I watched my thoughts.

Lewis Howes 47:13 Observation.

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:13 Right? So I developed a consistent now, and I resisted meditating consistently, but I built in a consistent meditation practice-

Lewis Howes 47:21 It's hard

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:21 ... so that I could then carry that skill throughout my day-

Lewis Howes 47:24 Oh

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:24 ... because I knew that's where I really needed it. So I practiced that consistent daily self-observation where I was looking at my thoughts-

Lewis Howes 47:30 Uh-huh

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:30 ... you know, all day long, and-

Lewis Howes 47:32 And what, journaling them or just being aware?

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:33 Just noticing-

Lewis Howes 47:34 Mm, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:34 ... because the first way, and this kind of ties into something you were saying earlier, the first way that we can start to quiet our mind is we don't battle our thoughts away. We can't obviously hit the mute button on them, but we can start to pay less attention by removing-

Lewis Howes 47:47 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:47 ... our attention.

Lewis Howes 47:48 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 47:48 So each and every time I would see that, 'cause my subconscious, our subconscious is what's offering most of our thoughts for us, right? So my, my cupcake's gone, and oh, my subconscious gonna assign that I'm not considered scarcity-based meaning, not my conscious mind, right? So I don't have control over that. That's why I explain that 'cause I think-

Lewis Howes 48:05 Subconscious, you don't have control over

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:06 ... we do not have control over. We can, we can-

Lewis Howes 48:08 Reprogram it

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:09 ... reprogram it through consistent repetition of something new, um-

Lewis Howes 48:12 By being aware of our thoughts consciously-

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:14 Right

Lewis Howes 48:14 ... and being like, "Okay, that doesn't support me anymore."

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:16 Right.

Lewis Howes 48:16 "Let me have a new thought."

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:17 Yeah. So the way I- the simplest way I put is to change our subconscious, we first need to start paying less attention to those older narratives that, that are naturally gonna be there. And I say this-

Lewis Howes 48:26 You need to pay attention to them first to pay less attention

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:27 ... you need to notice them and then remove your attentional focus back to your breath, back to the current moment.

Lewis Howes 48:32 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:32 And that is the tool, the muscle, I call it a mindful, a muscle that we're building, our attentional muscle. We all have one. Ours are, most of ours are just very wimpy because either life that's endlessly distracting is grabbing our attention, or a lot of us are spending way too much time looking, if you will, at our thoughts.

Lewis Howes 48:48 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:49 So noticing our thoughts enough to then redirect my attention away will weaken that narrative, so that's the first layer of work, um-

Lewis Howes 48:57 Okay. Noticing, watching your thoughts. What's the second layer?

Dr. Nicole LePera 48:59 And then if you want to, the subconscious can be reprogrammed. So then I started to play around with, and the future self journal was kind of where I, what I developed for this part of my own healing was to practice, I mean, what an affirmation is, a new thought.

Lewis Howes 49:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:13 Right? So then I would start to practice abundance-based affirmations, and that's a mental rehearsal. In the act of affirming, we're literally lighting up a new neural pathway in our brain, so our brain does not know whether or not I already believe that to be true or not. The goal is to repeat it enough that over time I believe that to be true. So the subconscious can be changed later in life. So the reason-

Lewis Howes 49:36 What, what was the mantra you were using for this t-

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:39 I'm, I'm abundant.

Lewis Howes 49:40 I'm abundant.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:40 It's just-

Lewis Howes 49:40 Simple mantra

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:41 ... just simple one. Just simple one.

Lewis Howes 49:43 Couple words.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:43 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:43 Just simple one. Yeah, because that-

Lewis Howes 49:45 So whenever you hear like, ah, trigger, some- my cookie's gone, whatever, like, I'm abundant.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:49 Right. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:50 You're saying to-

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:50 First it was, first it was get out of there and just center myself.

Lewis Howes 49:52 Notice it. Okay.

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:53 Sometimes I needed to take a breath because I always, I was, "That goddamn cookie."

Lewis Howes 49:56 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 49:57 You know? And then once I had a second, then I could say, but, you know, and then remind myself that I'm abundant. There's store up the street. Like, it's not about-

Lewis Howes 50:04 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:04 ... the lack of, um... But we first have to pull it away. 'Cause I think a lot of us try to go right into strong arm and shift it and-

Lewis Howes 50:11 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:11 ... it just doesn't work-

Lewis Howes 50:12 Can't work

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:12 ... 'cause this is a, a belief that we've been practicing, I mean, some of us outside of our conscious awareness, for as long as we've been walking the planet. I mean, so this is a really strong network.

Lewis Howes 50:22 It's gonna take time.

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:22 It's gonna take time.

Lewis Howes 50:23 Could take years potentially.

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 50:24 Decades potentially, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:26 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 50:26 Now, do you associate, uh, the thought with a physical feeling or physical motion or just, like, an abundant movement, or is it just a thought?

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:39 With... So what ma- the way I define manifestation is pairing that thought with the bel- as if it's true. So how would believing me to be abundant, how would that make me feel? Would I feel free?

Lewis Howes 50:49 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:49 Would I feel, you know, limitless?

Lewis Howes 50:51 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:51 It might be different for each of us.

Lewis Howes 50:53 Gotcha. Okay.

Dr. Nicole LePera 50:53 So that is part of it. But for me, so the, the, the narrative work is what I just described, getting out of the old narratives if you choose to be committed, practicing new ones.

Lewis Howes 51:01 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 51:01 It can work.

Lewis Howes 51:02 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 51:02 The deeper level, because a lot of these narratives, a lot of our subconscious is, is, is touching on a wound-

Lewis Howes 51:09 Yes

Dr. Nicole LePera 51:09 ... or an unmet need. So for me, this is where this consideration came. So my deeper work, my inner child work, was now as the adult that I am to find the ways, and I had to find them. I did not know them. I, no one, no one taught me how to consider myself. I did not have parents or caregivers that were, that were modeling, you know, kind of self-consideration or self-care in, in, in any healthy way, if you will.

Lewis Howes 51:33 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 51:33 Um, so I didn't know, and I say this 'cause I think a lot of times we become an adult and we think we should know. We should just know how to take care of our emotional selves. But if we were never taught, how would we know? I did not know. So then my deeper journey was, okay, how can I show up in the world consistently on a daily basis and consider myself, consider my needs-

Lewis Howes 51:51 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 51:51 ... explore what they even might be, how to even give them words, and then what to do. I didn't know how to give myself a feel better. I dissociated. That's all I knew. So now that I was showing up to manage my feelings in a new way, I was, I was like a little kid again.

Lewis Howes 52:07 Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:07 I had no fucking idea-

Lewis Howes 52:09 Wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:09 ... what to do. And I just had to move toward, okay, does this make me feel better or worse? And, and-

Lewis Howes 52:13 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:13 ... I talk with my clients a lot about this because it can feel really overwhelming when you're trying to navigate your emotions now in a new way. We all have had a way that we've coped, and we got really good at it. But chances are that's not the way that's gonna get us the relationships that we want-

Lewis Howes 52:28 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:28 ... the life that we want. So for me, it was like stabbing around in the dark and just moving toward what felt a little better. And then you start to get a toolkit. You start to say, "Okay, when I'm feeling down, you know, while I might hate to say it, moving helps me, or, you know, a bath helps me, or a time alone helps me." I had to rediscover all of those new tools for myself in those moments.

Lewis Howes 52:49 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:49 So that was the deeper part of the journey, is now... Because I view it's my responsibility to-

Lewis Howes 52:54 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 52:54 ... consider myself, to learn how to navigate my emotions in this. It's not my partner's job not to eat the cupcake to consider me. It's my job to... And then I realized over time I wasn't assigning through that constant attentional control. I stopped assigning lack of consideration meanings.

Lewis Howes 53:12 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:12 You know?

Lewis Howes 53:12 You stopped after a while.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:13 Yeah. You know, eating food was eating food. Dishes on the counter were just dishes on the counter. And then I was building myself up enough and reparenting myself enough that I was feeling overall considered by me, so that when she offered me an act of consideration, it was like, "Oh, great," you know?

Lewis Howes 53:28 That's amazing.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:28 But it wasn't necessary anymore.

Lewis Howes 53:30 Yeah. Wow.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:31 So my okayness and m- our relationship stability didn't depend on her showing up to give me a gesture of consideration anymore.

Lewis Howes 53:39 It was just an added bonus.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:40 It was an added bonus.

Lewis Howes 53:41 'Cause you're taking care of yourself.

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:41 And then I was able to let it in more-

Lewis Howes 53:43 I was like, wow

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:43 ... because I think some of us become so rigid in exactly what we need from-

Lewis Howes 53:46 It's expectations

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:47 ... this other person to fit my need-

Lewis Howes 53:49 Oh my gosh

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:49 ... in this way. And now I could accept maybe it's not the way I would wanna be considered, but it's a little gesture of it-

Lewis Howes 53:55 Consideration

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:55 ... and it's consideration, and it still-

Lewis Howes 53:57 I'll tell you what

Dr. Nicole LePera 53:57 ... fills my cup.

Lewis Howes 53:59 I, uh, I feel like I've gotten to the point in my life where I'm pretty abundant, right? I've created the life I want. From 11 years ago, being the most scarce I could ever be, like broke on my sister's couch, no money, and no clear vision of how to make money, to now it's like, okay, I'm not worried about eating for a long time.

Dr. Nicole LePera 54:19 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:19 Unless something drastic happens-

Dr. Nicole LePera 54:21 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:21 ... like, I'm not worried about eating for a long time.

Dr. Nicole LePera 54:22 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 54:23 I'm not worried about a place, a roof over my head. I can live in a, a one-bedroom apartment and be fine, right? Studio, it doesn't matter. Um, and I feel so good being independent that my, my current relationship, my girlfriend is amazing. Like yesterday, I woke up late. It was a Sunday. I woke up late. I was supposed to get up earlier to work out, but I woke up late to a doorbell ringing because she, and she's in Mexico City, she had sent me Starbucks latte. So I just woke up-

Dr. Nicole LePera 54:55 Mm

Lewis Howes 54:55 ... I opened the door, and there's a latte from her from Postmates, and I was just like, that just brings me so much joy.

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:01 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 55:01 There was no expectation that she needed to do that.

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:04 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 55:04 You know, but it's just, I'm allowed, I- able to receive it so much better.

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:08 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 55:09 And I don't have any expectation. I think when we put expectation on our partners so much-

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 55:13 ... sure, there's certain boundaries and rules that we create in every relationship-

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:16 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 55:16 ... but it's like we shouldn't be expecting on the other person to make us happy.

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 55:20 That's when we get let down.

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:21 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 55:22 Right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:22 Mm-hmm. Absolutely. We shouldn't be expecting that. And part of, I think, a dynamic that unfolds in relationships is- We look to recreate what we knew first of relationships and those very early, early relationships. That becomes our normal, our familiar in relationships. So whether or not it's expectations, just emotional climates, we tend to look to recreate that which we first knew. Because that's our first journey in relationships is the caregiving unit, the family structure. It looks different for all of us-

Lewis Howes 55:52 Yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 55:52 ... but whatever we're deposited in, right? You're seeing relationships happen. Sometimes you're getting direct messages about what's okay or not okay in relationships, and then you're having your own re- experience being in relationships with these humans. And then that becomes the, the relationship model that gets stored, the thing gets replicated over time.

Lewis Howes 56:10 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:10 So for me, my current relationship was a big shift out of my past ones because I, what I noticed looking back that I was searching for was those familiar feelings. So-

Lewis Howes 56:20 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:20 ... I felt closest to the people that-

Lewis Howes 56:22 That resented you, that guilted you, that manipulated you [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:24 ... that... No, no. But that [laughs] in some ways. But, but that were much more surface-

Lewis Howes 56:28 Ah, yeah, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:28 ... that were, uh, anxiety I understood, so I had a lot of partners that also were-

Lewis Howes 56:32 Always stressed out

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:32 ... very much relatable in that 'cause that's how my family unit felt, so it felt familiar. What we're seeking most as humans, the way I see it, is familiarity, but... And that comes up a lot in our relationships. So even if logically you can look and say, "Oh," maybe your friends are even telling you, "This isn't the partner for you," something feels really comfortable about it 'cause it's what you're used to.

Lewis Howes 56:50 You're used to. It's normal.

Dr. Nicole LePera 56:50 And I think that happens in terms of what you expect, like you were saying, in relationships, but also the feeling in a relationship registers, too, and I think sometimes we're just seeking that familiar even if it's not logically the partner that we necessarily want to be-

Lewis Howes 57:04 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:04 ... building a life with.

Lewis Howes 57:05 You mentioned you learned how to re-parent yourself. What does that mean, parenting yourself?

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:10 Mm-hmm. So whether or not it's so... [clears throat] I- There's a lot of categories of it, I think. So some of it's just our physical needs, right? How do we show up and take care of the body that we're in, in terms of sleeping and eating, and again, reminding each of us or looking at those, those earliest models that we were given.

Lewis Howes 57:26 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:26 What were we taught about those just very much just our basic needs? How are we exposed to them being met? What were we told about how they should or shouldn't be met? What do we see? How are they met, you know, in those earliest environments? Um, and then it's our emotional world, I think-

Lewis Howes 57:43 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:43 ... is the other major category. So how do I learn my own emotions? How do I come to know what they feel like in the body? How do I come to know what to do with them?

Lewis Howes 57:52 And how do I learn, but also how do I re-talk to myself?

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:56 Mm.

Lewis Howes 57:56 Is that part of it, too?

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:57 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 57:58 How do I talk, how do I talk to myself?

Dr. Nicole LePera 57:58 Re-talk to yourself. So for some of us, it's teaching.

Lewis Howes 58:00 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:01 I mean, I had a family who did not talk about emotions. I think a lot of people-

Lewis Howes 58:04 Yeah, most people's families don't, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:05 ... don't. So it's learning emotional language might be the how do I talk is to talk.

Lewis Howes 58:11 Why don't we talk, why don't... I mean, 'cause it's not on the school's responsibility-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:14 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:14 ... to teach us emotions necessarily, although I wish there was a class in school that taught us about emotions growing up. It's kind of what Mr. Rogers was about, right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:22 Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:23 It's kind of like was his mission-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:24 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:24 ... because he saw that no kids, not no kids, but a lot of kids lacked the emotional capacity to express their feelings-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:31 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:31 ... in a safe environment, right? It was anger, fighting, screaming, manipulate.

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:37 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:37 It wasn't like, "But this is how I'm feeling,"

Lewis Howes 58:41 right?

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:41 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:41 'Cause the anger and other things were actually more acceptable-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:44 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:44 ... at least for me growing up.

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:45 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 58:46 It's like showing that you're a man by being angry and fighting or punching as opposed to like sitting down with a buddy of yours and being like, "I'm really feeling sad-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:54 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:54 ... about this in my life that-

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:55 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 58:55 ... the teacher did," you know? You just get made fun of.

Dr. Nicole LePera 58:57 Yeah. Mm-hmm. I think there's societal messages.

Lewis Howes 59:01 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:01 I often think about men a lot 'cause I think you guys have a, a really, really kind of structural messages-

Lewis Howes 59:07 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:07 ... that are put in place, passed down from society at large-

Lewis Howes 59:10 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:10 ... that is quite damaging the way I see it.

Lewis Howes 59:13 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:13 Family cultures and climates, it comes back to safety. When we have caregivers-

Lewis Howes 59:18 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:19 ... that aren't comfortable with their own emotions, they're not going to be comfortable with their children's emotions. So before we know it, we start to shave off the okay or the acceptable emotions in a family-

Lewis Howes 59:29 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:29 ... and so either we're left with none being acceptable and we just don't talk about emotions, this was very much my family, or we're left with only the handful of acceptable emotions.

Lewis Howes 59:40 Right, which is anger or whatever, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:43 And then we internalize this, and then we carry that into our adulthood. So now I'm the person in the relationship who doesn't address anything emotions, and I run from the conversation when I know, when the person's across from me saying, "We gotta talk," you know? I'm like, "I'm outta here. Bye-bye."

Lewis Howes 59:55 [laughs] Right, right.

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:55 Maybe I'm on my spaceship now because-

Lewis Howes 59:57 Right, yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 59:57 ... I don't wanna talk about emotion. That's scary to me. Or we become only these emotions are okay to talk about.

Lewis Howes 1:00:04 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:04 So, and I think this is, again, passed down through generations. Likely our caregivers grow up in families where these emotions weren't okay, and they-

Lewis Howes 1:00:11 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:11 ... were unsafe. It really, that's what it comes down to.

Lewis Howes 1:00:14 Until you learn how to break the cycle, it's very hard to break the emotional cycle-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:18 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:00:18 ... of what you were, how you were raised. For me, I started breaking it because I had a lot of breakdowns in my life.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:23 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:00:23 When I turned 30, I had a, a massive, uh, breakup, breakdown, uh, a business partnership breakdown-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:30 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:00:30 ... breakup.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:31 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:00:31 And I just started reacting in every area of my life when I felt I was under attack, when I felt like someone was abusing me-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:39 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:00:39 ... which was kind of my trigger. It was like when I feel abused.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:42 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:00:42 I feel I was sexually abused as a kid, and I was bullied and picked on-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:00:44 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:00:44 ... and it felt like I was the youngest of four, and just felt like I was always the one who got the abuse. That's the story that I told myself for 30 years. And I got in a, uh, a, a fight in a basketball game that meant nothing. The game was, like, a no stakes game. It was just a pickup game. And I got in a really bad fight, and it's kind of like the perfect storm of, like, why is all these breakdowns happening? It's when I finally was like, "Wow, I have a lot to lose here if I keep following this pattern." And I decided, I was like, "I need to take a look at my life. I need to start making some changes. I need to start being aware of why I'm doing this and learn how I can break through these triggers." And that was really the game changer for me, but I feel like it's hard for people to want to look for growth and improvement in their life without some type of ... drastic event-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:32 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:01:32 ... or events happening.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:33 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:01:33 A near-death situation, a breakup in a, in a long just, long-term relationship, a divorce, uh, uh, f-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:41 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:01:41 ... a career ending. Whatever it may be.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:01:45 Why is it so hard for us-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:46 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:01:46 ... to want to improve or grow when there's no tragic-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:52 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:01:52 ... uh, accident?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:53 Mm-hmm. Yeah. I, I often talk about having the, the kind of cataclysmic events-

Lewis Howes 1:01:59 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:01:59 ... are necessary in a sense.

Lewis Howes 1:02:00 Really?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:02:00 So I, the way I see it is, I mean, it's not the only route. I think-

Lewis Howes 1:02:04 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:02:04 ... people can consciously just evolve and decide to change on their own. But a lot of times you will s- hear that as part of the journey. You know, the dark night of the soul or, you know, whether it's something objectively ended, a loss-

Lewis Howes 1:02:14 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:02:14 ... things like that. Um, so something I've always said and I've always noticed about people and change, and then I'm gonna... I've come to understand why this is the case, but something I've always said is we have to feel like that we have no other option. Like, the option of life as we know it now is way more intolerable than the fear that comes along with change in general. Um, and again, back to something I said earlier, we, we humans are habitual creatures, and to some extent we view change or uncertainty as threatening.

Lewis Howes 1:02:44 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:02:44 And there's a function now that I'm very much aware of the power of our subconscious. So the simplest way I describe it, and this is why I will always say change is hard. It's universally hard-

Lewis Howes 1:02:53 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:02:53 ... for all of us. I wanna normalize that though. I mean this when I say this because I think a lot of people become really, um, self-deprecating. "I'm lazy, I'm undisciplined. I just can't do this."

Lewis Howes 1:03:03 It's hard to change.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:03:03 "I'm hopeless" when they realize change, when they live the experience of change being hard. The reason why change is hard is so our subconscious, I, I, I... This is a silly description, but I say we each have a little avatar. You have a Lewis one. I have a Nicole one.

Lewis Howes 1:03:15 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:03:15 So because what our subconscious has done, and this m- blows my mind, it has logged every experience that we've had on this thus far until today, and will continue to log every experience we have in life until we're no longer on this planet, which is a lot of shit. And because we're very habitual, it has... We need our subconscious. So this is me thank- thank you, subconscious. We need it to some extent because without some things automatized, some things in that program. If I had to wake up every day and remind myself and consciously think about being human, brushing my teeth, walking, driving-

Lewis Howes 1:03:43 How do I walk? How do I talk?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:03:44 I would be, I mean, we would be debilitated.

Lewis Howes 1:03:46 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:03:46 So we need this. However, what happens is because we're so habitual, what is in there are our behavioral habits. It m- more or less knows what we do first thing in the morning, last thing before bed. Knows the habitual thoughts that we think. It knows how we, those thoughts make us feel, right? So it has our little avatar.

Lewis Howes 1:04:02 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:04:03 It registers things in a very black-and-white way. This is a very simplified description. Registers th- registers things in a very black-and-white way. The one end of the spectrum being familiar equals safe, good. Unfamiliar equals unsafe, possibly even threatening, bad.

Lewis Howes 1:04:16 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:04:16 Right? So logically, right, you might sit across from me and you might say, "You know, I, I wanna start this new habit first thing in the morning."

Lewis Howes 1:04:23 Yes.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:04:23 Or, "I'm gonna start to say new affirmations. I am good enough."

Lewis Howes 1:04:26 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:04:26 Or, "I wanna give myself a feeling of peace. All I know is stress." Tomorrow comes and you give yourself one of those. You make the choice to have one of those new experiences, and your subconscious is gonna register that as unfamiliar. And then one of two, maybe both things are gonna happen. What I call mental chatter, the endless litany of reasons why not to do or never to do this thing again. It's t- it sucks, it's terrible, it's bad for you, and you-

Lewis Howes 1:04:47 It's hard

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:04:48 ... you know, or d- dangerous. "Oh, what are you doing?" And/or, 'cause some of us get this, we'll start to feel, whether it's physiological, an agitation. Sometimes it'll be described, "Oh, I'm just crawling out of my skin." Sometimes, "I just won't feel like me. I'll start to feel weird." And again, that is the power of the subconscious. So for both of those reasons, before I know it, I'm right back in that comfort zone. I'm doing back what I'm used to doing, thinking, feeling because it's familiar.

Lewis Howes 1:05:13 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:13 So that's why change is hard. Um-

Lewis Howes 1:05:14 So how do we stay consistent with the change?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:17 So what I, um, the language I use is a small daily promise, and I, I put emphasis-

Lewis Howes 1:05:22 Small

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:22 ... on that small because I know, speaking about expectations again, we as humans can tend to, and a lot of us, "I'm a perfectionist," you know. We set the bar so high up for ourself-

Lewis Howes 1:05:32 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:33 ... that that is so damaging because what we're looking for is consistency. I mean, that's what this means, to heal holistically, to create habits. It's not every other day we do it or maybe this time and then next week I'll try it again. It's doing this each day. But the higher the bar is, if I don't meet that bar, I become so disempowered. I'm not gonna show up-

Lewis Howes 1:05:50 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:50 ... and try to meet that bar again tomorrow. Hell no. I'd rather do any other thing on the planet. So setting up those small-

Lewis Howes 1:05:56 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:05:56 ... small expectations.

Lewis Howes 1:05:57 It's almost like, okay, instead of saying, "I'm gonna work out ev- every day," it's saying, "I'm gonna put on my tennis shoes and I'm gonna take one step outside."

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:05 One step.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:06 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:06:06 'Cause that's gonna ultimately lead you into doing more steps.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:09 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:06:10 As opposed to saying, "Okay, I'm gonna floss all my teeth every night," when I've never flossed. "I'm just gonna floss one tooth."

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:16 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:17 Like, if you get out the floss and do one tooth, you're gonna do another one.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:06:20 Right? [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:21 Maybe you stop after four or five, but at least you're doing half.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:22 Well, and even if you only do that one, this is also what I suggest. Notice each and every time you kept that promise because that's you get- what I say, getting past your mind. Because tomorrow when you go to floss that one tooth, and maybe it just was one tooth, right? Your mind is gonna tell you all the reasons not to floss that one tooth again, right? So the more you show yourself that consistency, and the way I put is we're rebuilding trust in ourself. Most of us have, I say self-betrayal. Most of us have started to not trust ourself and not trust our word 'cause we don't keep our word to ourself-

Lewis Howes 1:06:50 We don't keep our word ever

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:06:50 ... because change is hard, right? So this is all interconnected. So we have to, to rebuild trust, we have to show ourselves that we're keeping those promises, and we can't expect our subconscious to get on board.

Lewis Howes 1:07:00 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:00 I joke and I say we can't wait for that cheerleading squad or-

Lewis Howes 1:07:03 Or to happen

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:03 ... and some of us wait to want to or to feel like we want to. So I'm always on my story saying, "I don't wanna do this shit, but I'm doing it anyway" because I've now built a trust in myself that I keep my word, and my subconscious still gives me all of the reasons not to do it even years later-

Lewis Howes 1:07:19 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:19 ... into this. But-

Lewis Howes 1:07:20 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:20 ... the more you keep those promises and notice yourself keeping them, you start to trust yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:07:24 That's true.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:24 And you start to get a little bit more empowered getting beyond-

Lewis Howes 1:07:28 And-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:28 ... that mind

Lewis Howes 1:07:28 ... and self-belief and confidence comes from keeping your word.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:31 Yes. That's right.

Lewis Howes 1:07:32 The more you keep your word-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:33 I think trust turns into confidence-

Lewis Howes 1:07:34 ... you believe-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:34 ... turns into empowerment

Lewis Howes 1:07:35 ... you believe you deserve, uh, abundance.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:38 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:07:38 You believe you deserve great relationships, you deserve better health when you follow through on that. Tell me about the inner child work Every time I do any inner child work where I'm- someone's talking to me and I'm reflecting back on, like, holding my, my baby-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:07:55 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:07:56 ... myself as a little boy, looking in my eyes as a five-year-old, hugging my inner child. Like, every time I think about myself as a child, I always get very emotional.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:03 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:08:04 And the more work I do it, I'm like, "Wow, this is really powerful to heal." Constant healing.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:09 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:08:10 Why is inner child work, uh, necessary, and what is it exactly?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:14 Yeah. I think it's necessary 'cause I think we all have a wounded child in us. Again, whether or not, and some of us have lived through those big T traumas, the abuses, the neglect, the big stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:08:25 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:25 Some of us have just lived with an underlying unmet need, a lack of emotional love, not just being... Not, I- I see trauma in and of itself as not being seen just for the un- heard and understood as just the unique being, as being-

Lewis Howes 1:08:37 Yes

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:37 ... enough without how you're showing up for the w- in the world. So I think we all carry a wound. So I think it's necessary. [lip smack] Uh, I think it's important because I know what's happening in those moments of reactivity where we're triggered and when we're expressing our, you know, feelings very outwardly, whether we're tantruming-

Lewis Howes 1:08:54 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:08:54 ... or we're dissociated. Those are all those old childhood reactions that we formed at that time, so we need to heal that and need to give ourself some new options. I actually had someone ask me though, and I think this is really interesting to think about, whether or not we get to that place where that wound is gone, whether or not it, it goes away. Is that our goal of healing? And I d- I don't believe, and I've yet to have any experiences or evidence that we get to the place where our wound is gone, but I think our goal is to navigate life with that wound.

Lewis Howes 1:09:24 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:09:24 Knowing when it's being touched, knowing how to make ourself feel better when it's there, knowing how to, first and foremost, I should've said this, break that habitual way of reacting toward it and giving ourself a bit more ch- new choices, helping our relationships in those moments.

Lewis Howes 1:09:38 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:09:38 And then, like I said, giving ourself those deeper needs to be met on our own. But I think we're always gonna retain some hurt. Things are always gonna... Mine's gonna be something deeper, and yours is gonna be something else, and they're always gonna be the event where it's like, "Ooh, that hurt a little bit." But we can still show up as our adult self in that moment and have a new choice or...

Lewis Howes 1:09:59 Yeah. How do we become a self healer every day?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:03 Every day?

Lewis Howes 1:10:04 Yeah, how do we become a self healer-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:05 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:10:05 ... every day?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:06 Yeah, I think-

Lewis Howes 1:10:06 What, what can we do?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:07 Yeah, I think-

Lewis Howes 1:10:07 Is it just the simple practices we're talking about?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:08 I think it's simple practices. I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:10:10 [clears throat]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:10:10 ... I think it's, you know, depending on what you're struggling first with, you know. If it is something that's, you know, kind of physiologically, um, a dysregulation, taking a look at the just daily habits. How much are you sleeping? I was shocked about my sleep habits. I always thought I was someone who needed a lot of sleep. I wasn't getting consistently a lot of sleep. My nutrition, now that I became aware of the gut and some of these gut-damaging foods, I was eating a lot of things that weren't helping me. Um, so I think some of it's just getting a, a look on our lifestyle, the choices. I think those of us who live in cities, um, have, you know, endless options of, you know, food ordering and food that we're eating a lot of or just the way we're socializing with our friends, you know. So modifying, I think, anything that is lifestyle based is a... And small steps. I mean, you might, you know, you're not gonna... I mean, some people might, you know, go clean out the pantry and have a completely different new set of options. Some people might just decide, make one nu- choice-y, one less thing that they know is problematic or eat out one less time or-

Lewis Howes 1:11:09 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:10 ... say no to one rager at the bar. I mean, whatever it is, right?

Lewis Howes 1:11:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:13 It starts small, and then I always think consciousness.

Lewis Howes 1:11:18 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:18 Developing some habit of being aware, getting eyes, practicing that self-observation so that you can get clarity into your stuck points, into your subconscious, into those deeper wounds, and then you really can start to make those deeper level shifts.

Lewis Howes 1:11:32 Sure. Sure.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:32 But it is daily, so that's what I think it is. I mean, it's, it's picking just one area. I always will say focused attention, even though a lot of us like to think that we're great multitasking. [lip smack] Focus attention on one area and develop some consistency. I know people hate this, but you're not gonna do things for three days and have it down, and this is your new habit. You're gonna have to probably... I mean, I don't look into the research. I know people are like, "Oh, habits take 30 days, 28," uh, whatever. Habits take as long until you're-

Lewis Howes 1:11:57 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:57 ... that's become into your life.

Lewis Howes 1:11:58 Until it's ingrained, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:11:58 You know what I mean? So just focus on one thing. Remove one of the problems in your world-

Lewis Howes 1:12:04 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:04 ... in a small way for a consistent amount of time, then build on it.

Lewis Howes 1:12:07 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:07 I always do what I call a foundational approach, um, with the clients that I work with in my own journey, and I suggest we do that. Just pick one area, and you can always build and expand. It empowers you on the way.

Lewis Howes 1:12:17 Yeah. It's powerful.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:12:19 What's your vision for the future now that you've spent the last year building your, your years of work into and sharing it into the world?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:27 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:12:27 It sounds like once you set yourself free with these boundaries, you really set your ideas free to, to create an abundance-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:34 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:12:34 ... in your life. So what's the next-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:36 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:12:36 ... what's the vision for you moving forward?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:38 Yeah, absolutely. So I'm hoping to release some courses now to give some people a little bit more of a self-directed, um, healing journey, you know, aside from just the squares. I mean, so all the content that I've always been putting out there was everything I would use in sessions with clients.

Lewis Howes 1:12:52 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:52 I, I didn't have a secret arsenal that if you got to work, "Oh, there's the real magic elixir."

Lewis Howes 1:12:56 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:12:56 "I'm gonna tell everyone all the..." You know, so I was always putting it out there, um, and I always intend to do that. But I wanna come up with some coursework so that people can have a bit more of a structure-

Lewis Howes 1:13:04 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:04 ... kind of workshop their way through subconscious-

Lewis Howes 1:13:07 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:08 ... reparenting. I wanna do some things on partnerships and relationships-

Lewis Howes 1:13:11 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:11 ... um, because I think these are all interconnected. So I'm gonna fold, fold out some courses. I want to-- I've shifted away, or I've stopped taking individual clients about two months ago now. Um, and I'm shifting into a group model. I think h- humans heal very well in groups-

Lewis Howes 1:13:26 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:26 ... so I wanna start to offer-

Lewis Howes 1:13:27 That's great

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:28 ... some virtual groups again, where people can pace themself through a healing journey. So just very much expand-

Lewis Howes 1:13:35 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:35 ... the tools and the, the, I guess, reach of the tools in a way so that any human... I also want to, over time, start to shift into teaching a little bit more in a structured fashion, workshops and things like that for the practitioners.

Lewis Howes 1:13:47 Mm-hmm. Sure. That's great.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:48 Start to update, you know, because again, I'm not trying to change the school system or the school structure, and that's just not my, my time on this planet, but I do wanna make sure that clinicians out there are equipped-

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:13:58 ... to start to use some of these more holistic methods.

Lewis Howes 1:14:00 Powerful

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:01 So.

Lewis Howes 1:14:01 And you have a thing called the Future Self Journal, right? So how can people get this? It's free.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:06 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:14:06 You can download these templates.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:07 Absolutely. Absolutely. So the Future Self Journal, so my main hub is the Instagram at the.holistic.psychologist. Um-

Lewis Howes 1:14:13 Do you have a website too or no?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:14 Um, up there I have a Linktree, so you can get to my website at yourholisticpsychologist.com and signing up for the email list on that website. But I believe I have that in a Linktree in my Instagram that you can also access that, and I'm always doing swipe up. So-

Lewis Howes 1:14:31 Okay

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:31 ... that is what comes upon signup for the email, and it's a template. It takes you through what I call future self journaling, which is a bit of a spin on good old-fashioned journaling, where we journal about our past, our daily experiences, our feelings.

Lewis Howes 1:14:46 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:46 This was me really starting to make a pivot and explore ways to use a journaling practice to increase consciousness around future change.

Lewis Howes 1:14:54 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:55 So.

Lewis Howes 1:14:55 That's powerful.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:14:55 It's really cool, and people are, are really getting some, some pretty good, um, impact with it. But the same thing, like I always say, it's a tool to be used every day to set ourself up to be more conscious throughout the day to make change. It's not a magic journal. I wish, I mean, believe me, if I, if I had the, if I found out the magic journal, I'd be releasing that, but it does not exist. Um, so that's what I often say. But it's, it's definitely, I think, an impactful tool. I used it myself. Um, and it's a cool thing.

Lewis Howes 1:15:21 Awesome. So people can get that there, uh, yourholisticpsychologist.com. Follow you on Instagram. You have courses, workshops, as we mentioned, this will be the first time, pop-up workshop in Venice. Hundreds of people came out, moved, inspired. So you'll be doing more of those. I'm sure you'll have lists of your events in the future on your website.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:40 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:15:40 Instagram.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:41 For sure. Yeah. I'm gonna do one in Philly because I have to represent.

Lewis Howes 1:15:45 Gotta do it.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:45 And I'm actually headed up-

Lewis Howes 1:15:46 You know what's interesting?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:46 ... to New York in a couple months too, and I'll do one while I'm up there.

Lewis Howes 1:15:49 I bet you'll have your least amount of people that show up in your hometown.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:52 I'd like to see.

Lewis Howes 1:15:53 For some reason-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:54 Yeah. Uh-huh

Lewis Howes 1:15:54 ... uh, you always get the least. Maybe I... Prove me wrong, but I always find-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:15:58 I'm, I'm actually interested, 'cause I have a couple colleagues and things that I know are interconnected, but I do have people randomly like, "Oh, you're Philly. I'm Philly too," or, "I'm New Jersey."

Lewis Howes 1:16:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:05 So I'm interested to see. I'm actually have to figure out where the hell I'm gonna do it in Philly. The beach was beautiful here. I was like, "Oh, it's a beach. Oh, great."

Lewis Howes 1:16:10 It's nice.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:10 "It's nice and big." But I'll figure it out.

Lewis Howes 1:16:12 Be five cold as balls too.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:12 But if I wanna make that a habit of pretty much everywhere I travel-

Lewis Howes 1:16:15 That's great

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:16 ... my goal is to be able to provide, um, m- part, I mean, for me, to meet people and to have that interface 'cause I love meeting the humans-

Lewis Howes 1:16:23 Sure

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:24 ... behind the incredibly supportive accounts that are on the other side of the Instagram, but also to have... It was beautiful yesterday. I was watching humans connecting and exchanging-

Lewis Howes 1:16:32 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:32 ... numbers and-

Lewis Howes 1:16:33 It's amazing

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:34 ... you know, maybe if you can get some support. It can be really lonely. It's something that I've lived myself. As I started to evolve out of some relationships-

Lewis Howes 1:16:41 Sure

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:41 ... I was looking around, I'm like, "Oh, shit, I don't know-

Lewis Howes 1:16:43 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:44 ... I don't have that many people left," you know? So when I went on Instagram, part of it was a little bit of, you know, I wanted to find other people out there that were-

Lewis Howes 1:16:50 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:16:51 ... whether or not struggling or healing in the same way that I was, 'cause I would start to make, because I was doing, shifting the way I was living, that me- meant that I maybe wasn't at all the happy hours, or I'm not out with my friends doing what they're doing. So I was looking around, and I don't really have that many people. So-

Lewis Howes 1:17:05 Mm-hmm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:06 ... I think it's a beautiful way. And the community that has really been created, I'm mind-blown every day. They're incredibly supportive.

Lewis Howes 1:17:12 It's amazing. Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:12 So incredible.

Lewis Howes 1:17:13 You're doing amazing work.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:14 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:17:14 Well, I wanna acknowledge you for, geez, you just serve a lot of people, Nicole, and it's really inspiring. I think a lot of people are healing for the first time on Instagram of all places. They're able to find wisdom that you're creating, whether it be through your Instagram TV, guided breathing meditations, or just the, the, the images you put out are so simp- You make complicated things so easy-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:39 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:17:39 ... to digest, where it's like, "Oh yeah, why didn't I think about this?"

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:43 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:17:43 And so I acknowledge you for putting yourself out there, for creating boundaries in your life and relationships that probably you felt very conflicted and guilty for years to decide that. Um, but creating freedom for yourself is now healing the world.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:17:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:59 And I think I'm really, I'm really inspired by your decisions and your consistency in showing up for all of us. So I acknowledge you-

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:06 Well, thank you

Lewis Howes 1:18:06 ... for your gift. Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:07 That means a lot. And my-

Lewis Howes 1:18:08 Of course

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:08 ... one of my goals was always to make, 'cause I think, or I know, put it this way, that a lot of this material can feel overwhelming and confusing in the way that it's talked about in some traditional ways. You know? It's not understandable. It's not like... And if it is understandable, it's, "Okay, well now what?"

Lewis Howes 1:18:22 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:22 So hearing that I'm able, and I'll tell you, those me- [laughs] those cute little memes that now I've, uh, I can do very much efficiently were the bane of my existence.

Lewis Howes 1:18:31 Took a lot of time. They're for hours.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:31 Uh, they were probably about like three hours a goddamn little square.

Lewis Howes 1:18:34 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:34 When I first got on Instagram, I was like, "Oh, I can't, I can't sustain."

Lewis Howes 1:18:37 Yeah.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:37 I made a promise to myself. I was gonna post, you know, I think it was like two or three. I ma- might've started out with three times a day. And I was holding myself up to that promise, but I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:18:44 Of course

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:44 ... my eyes were bleeding-

Lewis Howes 1:18:45 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:45 ... trying to figure out the program and how to present the con- Now I'm in a flow. So we're good.

Lewis Howes 1:18:49 You got a flow. Yes.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:50 So thank you for s-

Lewis Howes 1:18:51 It's that 15 minutes time

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:18:51 ... I made it look very much easier than it was. Behind the scenes, I was like, "Argh." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:18:54 Yeah. It's crazy. Uh, this question's called the three truths. So imagine it's your last day on Earth, many years away from now. You get to pick the day. Uh, you can be 100, 200 years old, doesn't matter, but someday you gotta go. You've created everything you wanna create in your life. Your future self has been manifested. You've healed everything. You've traveled, done what you wanna do. But for whatever reason, you gotta take it all with you. So all your work, all your messages, your Instagram account, books, everything you create has gotta go with you. So no one has access to any of your content anymore. But you get to leave behind three lessons that you would share with us. What would you say are the three things that you'd wanna share behind, what I like to call three truths?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:19:38 Yeah, absolutely. I love this question. So the first one that comes to mind most intuitively is how life in this moment is life. That was something that was really impactful for me when I first discovered the concept of mindfulness with this idea of just being present. Um, I think that's an incredibly powerful truth, and the more we can each embrace that, um, I think that that speaks kind of to life really.

Lewis Howes 1:20:06 Sure.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:06 So-

Lewis Howes 1:20:07 Okay

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:07 ... now, the present moment, I think that's definitely one of my truths. Um, another truth is that we're, we're each, you know, unique, amazing, good enough, intuitive humans. I think a lot of us don't... have come to be conditioned out of that belief.

Lewis Howes 1:20:24 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:25 Me included as well. I thought I was a million things, um, based on what I was told or the experiences that I've had that aren't what this concept, elusive concept of authentic self. I don't, I don't believe that was my authentic self. So I think a truth is that we all have an authentic self-

Lewis Howes 1:20:42 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:42 ... beneath it all. Um, and then I guess healing takes work.

Lewis Howes 1:20:51 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:51 Life takes work.

Lewis Howes 1:20:52 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:20:53 Effort. Consistent effort. [laughs] I'm always the speaker of this truth and, but I think that's a, a hard one. And honestly, this was not one that I came by easily. I, whether it's messaging that I've heard, my mom's voice in my ear, I had all the reasons, and, and a lifetime of things coming easy. I'm gonna be honest. I- school came easy for me. Sports came easy for me. Um, I didn't have to work so hard-

Lewis Howes 1:21:13 Mm

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:13 ... in some areas. So this truth was a hard one for me to swallow-

Lewis Howes 1:21:16 Yeah

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:16 ... um, was that things are hard, and I know how to show up for hard things and to make a consistent effort.

Lewis Howes 1:21:21 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:21 And it is incredibly valuable to do that, and I think that's a truth, again, of, of healing and of life really.

Lewis Howes 1:21:28 Yeah. Those are great. Love those. Uh, final question: What's your definition of greatness?

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:33 Yeah. Yeah. So as, as per-

Lewis Howes 1:21:35 [laughs]

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:35 ... the end of this conversation, uh, my definition of greatness is, is healing. I think our, our older wounds and being able to show up daily to consciously create ourself.

Lewis Howes 1:21:47 Mm.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:47 I think that's incredible. That's empowerment. I think that's what the purpose of this journey is, um, and I would definitely call that greatness.

Lewis Howes 1:21:54 Love it. Dr. Nicole, thank you so much. Appreciate you.

Dr. Nicole LePera 1:21:57 Amazing, Lewis. Thank you for having me. [outro music]