How to Shift Your Identity & Become Instantly Magnetic | Dr. Kim Foster

1. 0:00 – 5:25

   Information vs. Identity Problems

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster0:00

      There was one patient, late 40s, um, little bit overweight. Her blood pressure was going up, and she knew that she wanted to exercise. I was supporting her on this, so we were talking about different things that she could do. I made some suggestions. At one point she said, "This is great, Dr. Foster, thank you. But the thing is, I'm just not an exercise person. I never have been. It's just not me." And at that moment I thought, "Oh, this is not an information problem. This is an identity problem."

   2. LHLewis Howes0:30

      She's a formally trained family physician. She's an author and one of the clearest voices on why lasting change starts with identity. Today's guest is Dr. Kim Foster.

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster0:41

      This is one of the key reasons why it's so hard to change our identities, because up until this point, your brain has had a whole lot of evidence that you are this kind of person. So you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm very confident." But your mind is like, "Interesting. Based on what?"

   4. LHLewis Howes0:56

      What's the framework for creating a new identity?

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster1:00

      So there's three parts. So recognize is the first, and that, for many of us, is the hardest part.

   6. LHLewis Howes1:09

      You spent two decades as a physician telling people essentially how to improve their lives, but you also observed very few people that changed their identity in this process. Why is it so difficult for so many of us to shift our identity even though we know what to do, but how to shift our identity seems so challenging?

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster1:29

      Yeah. Well, you're right. I mean, the identity piece is the key there. So I did spend two decades working as a family doctor, and I saw people come in all day long, and I would give them advice, the, the stuff that I had been trained to do. So trained to tell people what they needed to do, how they needed to do it, give them the evidence, give all of those pieces, and then they would walk out motivated. So these are people who are intelligent, they're motivated, they have a lot at stake.

   8. LHLewis Howes2:01

      And they're in pain or something, right?

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster2:02

      They're in pain. They're scared for what is coming for them or what has already happened or what their family has history would tell them is coming for them. So they would really be very motivated to change. So motivation was not the problem, and information was not the problem. And they would walk out, and then I'd see them months again later, and nothing had changed.

   10. LHLewis Howes2:24

       No change.

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster2:24

       Or maybe they had changed something for a short time. They tried, and then they'd kind of stopped. They fell off. They went back to old habits, old patterns. And I became really curious about that.

   12. LHLewis Howes2:37

       Hmm.

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster2:37

       Because, you know, I like to think that I was pretty good at giving explanations and, uh, you know, ex- helping people to understand. I liked that piece of it, to educate them and help them understand why it was important and what they needed to do. So regular exercise and getting more sleep, and we know all the stuff. We know vegetables are involved, all of that stuff. So I became very curious about that gap. So what is that gap?

   14. LHLewis Howes3:02

       Hmm.

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster3:03

       Um, and over time... Well, I remember actually, there was one patient who, uh, she was l- late 40s, um, little bit overweight. Her blood pressure was going up, and she knew that she wanted to exercise, get started exercising. And I was supporting her on this, so we were talking about different things that she could do. And, uh, I made some suggestions. "You know, you could, uh... Doesn't need to take..." Or she had objections, right? The usual objections, like, "I don't have much time." So I said, "Well, that's no problem. 10 minutes even at a time can make a difference. There's research on that." Giving her all the information, right? Uh-

   16. LHLewis Howes3:41

       There's all these excuses of why we can't do something that's better for us.

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster3:45

       Yeah, yeah. There's always reasons, and they sound very rational.

   18. LHLewis Howes3:48

       "I've got three jobs. I've got three kids. I've got no time. I'm exhausted already."

   19. KFDr. Kim Foster3:53

       Yeah.

   20. LHLewis Howes3:53

       "How could I find more time to do this, struggling in these areas?"

   21. KFDr. Kim Foster3:56

       Mm-hmm.

   22. LHLewis Howes3:57

       It all sounds-

   23. KFDr. Kim Foster3:58

       Yeah

   24. LHLewis Howes3:58

       ... rational, I guess, right?

   25. KFDr. Kim Foster3:59

       Exactly. And then it was like, "Oh, I, I don't like going to the gym," and I was, "No problem. You can do all kinds of things at home."

   26. LHLewis Howes4:05

       Yeah.

   27. KFDr. Kim Foster4:05

       Um, and so I had all these things, and then at one point she said, "This is great, Dr. Foster. Thank you. I really appreciate this, but the thing is, I'm just not an exercise person. I never have been. It's just not me." And at that moment I thought-

   28. LHLewis Howes4:21

       Hmm

   29. KFDr. Kim Foster4:21

       ... "Oh, this is not an information problem. This is an identity problem." She just really does not see herself as someone who exercises. And then she went a little bit further and said that her sister was always the one who was the sporty one, and she was the bookish one, right? So she had... It had come from what her family had told her, the roles that she'd played, all of that that she'd accumulated, and then she just really didn't see herself as someone who exercised. So it didn't matter how bite size I made it or how easy I made it or lay your workout clothes out the night before, all of that. If she just ultimately did not see herself as someone who exercised, it was just never really going to stick. She was... It was friction every time she was trying to enact that behavior. And so once I saw that, though, I could see that that applied across the board for so many things that we try to change, not just, you know, s- exercise or eating well. I had a guy who, many people who would say, "You know, I'm

2. 5:25 – 8:10

   How Identity Keeps You Stuck

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster5:25

      not a health nut, so, uh, don't talk to me about, like, lentils and things." Like, [laughs] and but if you have this identity of you being this kind of person or not that kind of person, then it is absolutely going to just be your instruction manual for how you live your life-

   2. LHLewis Howes5:42

      Mm-hmm

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster5:42

      ... the choices that you make. And when people say these identity statements, it sounds like fact. It sounds like it's the truth, like it's a neutral fact, like eye color or your height or something.

   4. LHLewis Howes5:56

      Mm-hmm.

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster5:56

      Like, "I'm not an exercise person. I'm a night owl," whatever. You know, we have all these identity statements. Um, and once I started hearing people saying these things, it really, it just, I heard it all the time, and I began to recognize it as that's the difference maker. That's the thing. Um, because I certainly also had patients who had more empowering identities.

   6. LHLewis Howes6:18

      Mm.

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster6:19

      Um, I had this 70-year-old guy who was very fit and, like, a big strong guy who had been active his whole life, and I... 'Cause in your, you know, 60s, 70s, that's when you really start to see the differences in how you have lived your life, 'cause there c- I certainly had many patients who were in those decades who were not looking quite so robust-

   8. LHLewis Howes6:41

      Mm-hmm

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster6:42

      ... and fit and strong. Um, but he was, and he was waiting for a, a knee surgery, but he was a skier, and he was frustrated because it was meaning that he was l- losing out, missing out on the ski season, um, being on this waiting list. And because I was curious about him, I was curious about what had made it so that his life, he had chosen this particular trajectory. But the way the language that he used was, "I'm a skier. I'm an active guy. I need to get back out there. I've always taken care of myself." So he had these empowering identity statements-

   10. LHLewis Howes7:16

       Mm

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster7:16

       ... that he's volunteered for how he saw himself-

   12. LHLewis Howes7:20

       Mm

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster7:21

       ... what his self-concept was, and that had dictated his choices through his whole lifetime.

   14. LHLewis Howes7:26

       So if we have an identity that says, "I'm just not a workout-type person," or-

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster7:31

       Mm

   16. LHLewis Howes7:31

       ... "I'm just not a healthy eater type of person," but then we know we're supposed to start eating healthier if it's gonna solve a health problem we have or something, an ailment we have, eating better, sleeping better, moving more is gonna help that pain. But if we have an identity that says, "No, you're not that person. You're this person," and we start taking those actions that we know are better for us but go against our identity, what ultimately happens when we go against our identity, even for good?

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster8:02

       Yeah. When we go against our identity, even though we know cognitively it's for our own good, it's going to lead somewhere

3. 8:10 – 12:04

   The Danger of Fighting Identity

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster8:10

      that we want it to go, but every time you do that action, it creates friction, and it creates, like, an identity mismatch.

   2. LHLewis Howes8:18

      Mm.

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster8:18

      Because then... And our brains do not like that kind of, you know, disconnect or this incongruence. So we are... We have a belief about ourself on one level, and then we have what we're doing, what the actions and behaviors that we're doing on another level, and that feels uncomfortable.

   4. LHLewis Howes8:38

      Mm-hmm.

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster8:39

      So our minds are looking to resolve those kinds of conflicts and that kind of cognitive dissonance, and, uh, there's two different ways to resolve that conflict. Obviously, you can stop going to the gym, or you can start considering yourself to be an athlete and [chuckles] and change your identity. And the easier thing for us to do is to just stop doing the behavior that feels uncomfortable, and just to go back-

   6. LHLewis Howes9:04

      Mm-hmm

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster9:04

      ... to what feels comfortable, what feels safe-

   8. LHLewis Howes9:07

      Familiar. Yeah

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster9:08

      ... familiar, what gives us... Uh, because we can get a lot out of identities that aren't even particularly, uh, positive.

   10. LHLewis Howes9:16

       Mm-hmm.

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster9:16

       If it... Sometimes it gives us a feeling of safety or a feeling of belonging, if it's, especially it's in your social circle.

   12. LHLewis Howes9:23

       Yeah.

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster9:23

       Everybody is kind of the same, so you feel like you belong there. You know who you are in that role, in that identity. So even though you might know that it is better for you, it's not what feels right. It doesn't feel safe, and, uh, our, our brains, you know, our jo- the, our primitive brain job is to help us to survive. So if something feels like, "This is not safe. This is not right. This doesn't... I've never done this before, so it's not guaranteed with my survival 'cause this is new," um, so our brains are gonna wanna default to-

   14. LHLewis Howes9:59

       Yeah

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster9:59

       ... patterns that feel safe, normal, new, familiar, what everyone else around us is doing, even though we know it would be better.

   16. LHLewis Howes10:07

       Isn't it interesting? You could be in the worst situation of your life or the worst relationship of your life or the worst body of your life, but the unknown of taking the actions that will support you are more frightening than the actual fear of the familiarity of the environment you're in right now. It's like, it seems crazy when you're not in that situation to be able to see someone else's situation and say, "Just leave. Just start working out. Just get rid of that career if it's driving you crazy."

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster10:41

       Mm-hmm.

   18. LHLewis Howes10:42

       "If that relationship is killing you, literally get out." It seems easy to tell someone else, but when you're in that identity, it seems so scary of the unknown on what's the other side, right?

   19. KFDr. Kim Foster10:52

       Yeah, exactly. 'Cause our, our mind's job isn't to be like, "Oh, what would be really great for my growth or my development? What's inspiring?" Like, our primitive brains just want us to survive.

   20. LHLewis Howes11:03

       Yes.

   21. KFDr. Kim Foster11:04

       And so, yeah, I mean, you can, you, you can for a while, right, convince yourself that this is better, um, but it's ultimately you're gonna... When you're busy, when you're tired, when you're stressed, you're going to start to default back.

   22. LHLewis Howes11:17

       Mm.

   23. KFDr. Kim Foster11:17

       So, you know, you can be motivated on a good day and, uh, and feel inspired to do a particular thing that you know is better for you when you are well rested and-

   24. LHLewis Howes11:28

       Sure

   25. KFDr. Kim Foster11:28

       ... don't have a lot going on and all of those pieces. But when it rains, when it's, you're cold, tired, sick, have a super busy week, then it's so much easier just to default back-

   26. LHLewis Howes11:39

       Yes

   27. KFDr. Kim Foster11:39

       ... to what is safe.

   28. LHLewis Howes11:40

       I mean, so how does someone actually change their identity, and how quick can you change your identity? Does it take months, years, decades, or can you change your identity in a moment?

   29. KFDr. Kim Foster11:51

       Yeah. This is a great question, and this is the key because it sounds, it sounds really simple. Just change your identity. Just decide to be somebody different. And you can make that decision quickly and overnight once you

4. 12:04 – 16:39

   How to Use Bridge Identities

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster12:04

      become aware, and really that's kinda... That is a big key is becoming aware. Because like I said, most people just report these identity statements like it's just fact. Once you become aware of it and once you realize that you want to change and adopt a new, more empowering identity, you can make that decision right away. But it's the stabilization that takes a while, and that process requires proof. So your mind... Because this is why it is... This is one of the key reasons why it's so hard to change our identities, because our- Up until this point, your brain has had a whole lot of evidence that you are this kind of person. So, um, you know, let's say that you, you are, you don't feel very confident. You wanna be- 'cause it's not just health, right? Of course, this applies to so many different realms. Um, you want to be socially confident, but you've always identified yourself as really awkward and-

   2. LHLewis Howes12:58

      Introverted, shy

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster12:59

      ... introverted, shy. Yes, that was me as a kid.

   4. LHLewis Howes13:01

      Mm-hmm.

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster13:02

      Um, but so you can decide that you want that, but your brain has got so much evidence to the contrary. So you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm very confident," but your mind is like, "Interesting. Based on what?" [laughs]

   6. LHLewis Howes13:16

      Mm. There's no evidence yet.

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster13:17

      Yeah, no evidence.

   8. LHLewis Howes13:18

      So it's like one day at a time.

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster13:19

      So you need to start to gather proof. You need to start to log-

   10. LHLewis Howes13:23

       Mm

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster13:23

       ... actual evidence that you can do things in a different way. Um, however, it can be very difficult if you just try to leap straight from, like, "I'm super awkward and shy"-

   12. LHLewis Howes13:35

       To confident

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster13:35

       ... to, "I am, like, a socially confident social butterfly."

   14. LHLewis Howes13:38

       [laughs]

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster13:39

       That's just... And your brain is just gonna reject that completely.

   16. LHLewis Howes13:41

       Yeah.

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster13:41

       And that's often why affirmations, like big, grandiose affirmations do not work for people. But if you can choose what I call a bridge identity, so-

   18. LHLewis Howes13:51

       Bridge identity

   19. KFDr. Kim Foster13:51

       ... bridge identity. Yeah, so something that is, it's a bit of a stretch, but it's not the full way. It's one step away. So if you're... Let's go back to the socially confident. So instead of saying, "I'm super socially confident, uh, in envi- all environments," it could be, "I'm somebody who is embracing the challenge of starting one new conversation each day. I'm somebody who can start up a conversation even when I feel uncomfortable," or something like that, right? Like, it's, it's just one little step off of... And it's believable, but it's also a stretch, and then you go out and gather some proof for that. So then you put yourself into a situation, and you just do that one little action, even though it feels really uncomfortable, and then you have to, to really make that, pay attention to that piece-

   20. LHLewis Howes14:44

       Mm-hmm

   21. KFDr. Kim Foster14:44

       ... of action, and so that you can internalize it and say, "Okay, that's what I did. I ma- I kept that promise to myself."

   22. LHLewis Howes14:51

       Mm-hmm.

   23. KFDr. Kim Foster14:51

       And then you keep going, and eventually-

   24. LHLewis Howes14:53

       You call that, you call that the stabilization time?

   25. KFDr. Kim Foster14:56

       Yeah, that's, that's when you have to... You're stabilizing the identity so that it actually becomes real to you, and so that your mind actually starts to believe it, and importantly, believes it even when some contrary evidence shows up.

   26. LHLewis Howes15:11

       Mm-hmm.

   27. KFDr. Kim Foster15:11

       Like, even when maybe something didn't go so great that you wanted it to, because that's another key is that when you have a particular identity of yourself as somebody, uh, in particular, and then, um, you know, something happens that is in accordance with that, you're like, "See? Not me," right? So, like-

   28. LHLewis Howes15:32

       It goes back to the old belief.

   29. KFDr. Kim Foster15:33

       It goes back to the old belief.

   30. LHLewis Howes15:34

       Yeah.
5. 16:39 – 18:38

   3-Part Framework for Lasting Change

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster16:39

      believed a certain thing about ourselves, and we've been logging proof for our whole lifetime. Um, and so it just sounds like a fact. So you have to really start to recognize, well, what is the identity that I have been operating as? And, and then start to call that into question. Is that true? Does that have to always be true? Where did that come from? W- who told me that that was true?

   2. LHLewis Howes17:02

      Mm-hmm.

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster17:03

      You know, those kinds of questions, just really recognizing that it's not the truth. It's just an i- just a story that you have been telling yourself about what's possible for you, what's not possible for you. And then once you have kind of detached yourself a little from the stone-cold truth of this identity story that you've been telling yourself, then it's, uh, redesign. So then you get to really identify, okay, what is the... Who do I need to be for my next chapter?

   4. LHLewis Howes17:33

      Mm.

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster17:33

      I have this goal. I have something that I would like to achieve. Who is the person who achieves that?

   6. LHLewis Howes17:38

      Yes.

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster17:38

      Who is the person that a b- that acts like that, has that, um, life? And, and then, and that's the fun part, too, is to really start to redesign-

   8. LHLewis Howes17:48

      Imagine and dream.

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster17:49

      Mm-hmm.

   10. LHLewis Howes17:50

       Yeah.

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster17:50

       Yeah, yeah, and you get to redesign a, a new, um, a new identity for yourself. But then the third part is the key. That's ritualize because then that's really what I was talking about, is you have to go out there and log proof because it's not just a thought exercise. It's not good enough to just choose a new identity and just be like, "Okay, job done." Um, you really have to go out there and start to collect proof in tiny, small, probably uncomfortable ways in the beginning, and then you start to... It becomes part of who you are, and then s- eventually, you wake up, and you're like, "Actually, I am this kind of person now."

   12. LHLewis Howes18:26

       Mm. Now, for two decades, you worked as a family doctor.

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster18:31

       Mm-hmm.

   14. LHLewis Howes18:32

       When did you realize that you didn't wanna be in that practice anymore, or you wanted to reimagine your,

6. 18:38 – 25:56

   Leaving a 20-Year Medical Career

   1. LHLewis Howes18:38

      your work? And how hard was it to let go of an old identity of being a doctor?

   2. KFDr. Kim Foster18:44

      I mean, I had been practicing for 20 years, and I mean, ultimately I ended up practicing for 20 years. It was, it was a few years before that that I started to feel called to help people in a different way.

   3. LHLewis Howes18:56

      Mm-hmm.

   4. KFDr. Kim Foster18:57

      Because as a doctor, so much of my work happened after something had already gone wrong. So somebody had developed heart disease, diabetes, chronic pain, or they were so exhausted and overwhelmed that, uh, their health was really starting to suffer. And I kept thinking, "I want to get further upstream here." I wanted to help people to change their choices and their behavior and how they thought about themselves.

   5. LHLewis Howes19:24

      Prevent these things.

   6. KFDr. Kim Foster19:24

      Yeah. When there was still possibility ahead.

   7. LHLewis Howes19:27

      Yeah.

   8. KFDr. Kim Foster19:28

      Um, and at the same time, I started to feel an increasingly strong pull, like a creative pull. So I wanted to create stuff of my own and write and speak and, um, you know, do things like that. And, uh, so I started dabbling a little. I started making some YouTube videos on the side. I started writing. I started coaching, and I, I got to a point where I realized that this thing that I was doing on the side was really... That was the work that I wanted to do.

   9. LHLewis Howes20:00

      Yeah. You loved it.

   10. KFDr. Kim Foster20:02

       I loved it. I loved it, and it was, it was meeting all of my, you know, inner needs for that sense of meaning and helping people upstream, all of those pieces.

   11. LHLewis Howes20:12

       Yeah.

   12. KFDr. Kim Foster20:12

       However, just knowing what I wanted to do, again, was not enough-

   13. LHLewis Howes20:16

       [laughs]

   14. KFDr. Kim Foster20:16

       ... because I had a very ingrained identity as doctor.

   15. LHLewis Howes20:20

       Yeah. How many days does it take to go from total beginner to reasonably proficient at a new skill? Well, if you practice for a focused hour a day, then about 250, which also happens to be the number of reasons to choose T-Mobile. Here's an excellent reason: they have the fastest 5G home internet according to Ookla Speedtest, which you can test for yourself worry-free with their 15-day money back guarantee. Another great reason, it's fast and easy to set up too. Plug it in, and you're online in practically no time, with no appointment or technician needed. Those are just a few reasons. Find yours at t-mobile.com/homeinternet, where you can check availability and try it for yourself. They're so sure you'll love it, you get your money back if you don't. Fastest according to Ookla Speedtest Intelligence data second half of 2025. All rights reserved. Redeem money back guarantee within 30 days of cancellation. You know, probably since you were a teenager, you're in college, you're like, "I'm gonna go to med school, and I'm gonna be in residency, and then I'm gonna be a doctor," and it's like your whole adult life-

   16. KFDr. Kim Foster21:28

       Yes

   17. LHLewis Howes21:29

       ... was around an identity.

   18. KFDr. Kim Foster21:30

       Yes.

   19. LHLewis Howes21:31

       You talked about being a doctor. You met with patients every day. You, you got your credibility from this as well.

   20. KFDr. Kim Foster21:37

       Mm-hmm.

   21. LHLewis Howes21:37

       You got so many things from... You got your money from this.

   22. KFDr. Kim Foster21:40

       So many things.

   23. LHLewis Howes21:40

       All these things came from being a doctor.

   24. KFDr. Kim Foster21:43

       Yeah.

   25. LHLewis Howes21:44

       So leaving that identity must be challenging.

   26. KFDr. Kim Foster21:46

       It was incredibly challenging. It took me a long time to actually realize that, that so much of my identity was wrapped up in this. And yes, exactly, I decided when I was 17 that I wanted to go to medical school. And so everything from that point onwards was... 'Cause being an achiever, good student type, I was like, "Okay, that's the goal. Now what do I need to do to get there?"

   27. LHLewis Howes22:10

       Yeah.

   28. KFDr. Kim Foster22:10

       Then it was just a matter of execute. So I needed to get the grades. I needed to write the MCAT. Like, I needed to do all the things, and then get into medical school, and now, okay, get through med school. And so I really adopted... What I, uh, realized later is that I adopted a survivor identity.

   29. LHLewis Howes22:28

       Really?

   30. KFDr. Kim Foster22:29

       So yes, because I, I had-
7. 25:56 – 34:03

   Navigating the Grief of Change

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster25:56

      and one was the day that I actually did go.

   2. LHLewis Howes25:58

      How much time was in between?

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster25:59

      There was a solid year-

   4. LHLewis Howes26:01

      Okay

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster26:01

      ... in between those two.

   6. LHLewis Howes26:01

      You made a decision like, "All right, I'm done."

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster26:04

      Yeah.

   8. LHLewis Howes26:04

      "I'm done with this. I'm gonna go create this new thing-"

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster26:06

      Yes

   10. LHLewis Howes26:07

       "... and take a leap."

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster26:08

       Yeah.

   12. LHLewis Howes26:08

       But then a year went... You said... Did you say, "I'm gonna give it a year. I'm gonna wait until this moment," or were you just waiting until you knew the right time to leave?

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster26:16

       Yeah, I... Well, the day that I decided, I was working in a university clinic, and I had just finished, um, suturing up a patient's hand, which is something that I really like to do.

   14. LHLewis Howes26:24

       Stitching?

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster26:24

       Stitching, yeah, and I like to think I was pretty good at it. Um, but it was a pretty intense repair. It was just a little bit more complicated than usual. Anyway, I did a good job, but, um, I wanted to kinda decompress a little bit, and out the back of the clinic, it was on a university campus, so there's woods out there. So I walked out, just put my earbuds in and listened, uh, to some things and went for a walk out in the woods, uh, before my next patient. And as I'm walking, I realized I don't wanna go back.

   16. LHLewis Howes26:55

       You don't wanna go back in?

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster26:55

       Don't wanna go back.

   18. LHLewis Howes26:56

       Ooh.

   19. KFDr. Kim Foster26:57

       And, and it wasn't... I didn't-

   20. LHLewis Howes26:58

       The nature was calling you.

   21. KFDr. Kim Foster26:59

       Yeah. What I re-

   22. LHLewis Howes27:00

       And you're like, "I wanna stay in this, in these woods."

   23. KFDr. Kim Foster27:02

       [laughs] Exactly. Well, what I realized is that I didn't wanna... It's not that I wanted to go... didn't wanna go back that afternoon. I didn't wanna go back at all.

   24. LHLewis Howes27:08

       Wow.

   25. KFDr. Kim Foster27:08

       I wanted to keep walking through the woods and go emerge the other side. I had this vision of, like, emerging the other side into a completely new chapter-

   26. LHLewis Howes27:16

       Interesting

   27. KFDr. Kim Foster27:16

       ... of my life. And it wa- and it wasn't because I had come... It w- the interesting part to me, when I think back about it, is it wasn't because I had had a really bad thing. Like, I'd just done a really good thing. I'd just sutured somebody's hand and d- did a good job and was doing what I had trained, been trained to do and was quite capable of doing at that time, but I still didn't want to go back and keep doing it. So I did go back, though, that afternoon. I didn't walk through the door and throw my stethoscope across the room or-

   28. LHLewis Howes27:49

       Oh, God.

   29. KFDr. Kim Foster27:49

       [laughs] It wasn't like that. Um, because I still had... I knew that I still had some work to do, it... because that's when I realized... 'Cause the other thing is, I mean, I'd started dabbling with YouTube and coaching and all of that, and I was starting to make money, enough that I knew I could actually support myself and my family. We wouldn't have to sell our house.

   30. LHLewis Howes28:10

       Oh.
8. 34:03 – 36:11

   Why Shaming Yourself Always Fails

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster34:03

      thing to think, and we all kinda do this. So we, we want to make a change 'cause we... I mean, if it's weight, we catch a photograph of ourselves, and we're like, "Oh, is that what I look like? I'm disgusting. I need to make a change now." So we do this as kind of a knee-jerk reaction, and it is quite normal, I think, to initially want to make a change out of that feeling of kinda self-loathing, but we know that self-loathing is never how you're going to actually make a long-standing change. It is so much more helpful to make a change because you love yourself.

   2. LHLewis Howes34:37

      Hmm.

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster34:37

      I mean, cliche it sounds, but it's absolutely true and backed up by research, is that you want to, if we just stick with the weight loss example, for example, um, lose weight and become fit and healthy because you love your body, not because you hate your body. It's just so much more effective l- long term. It's, you're going to be able to stick with it because, again, it, the idea is sustainability, right? So as I said, when I was practicing, people would do stuff temporarily, um, and then they'd come back, and they're like, "Oh, yeah, I went back to the way that it was." And so if you're making a change because you hate yourself or you're so mad about that you've let yourself fall into this pattern or that you are so useless or whatever-

   4. LHLewis Howes35:22

      Hmm. Mm-hmm

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster35:22

      ... whatever negative thing that you're telling yourself, it's, that's not a sustainable way of staying motivated.

   6. LHLewis Howes35:28

      Yeah. Some of the people in this, uh, personal development space talk about stacking habits.

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster35:35

      Mm-hmm.

   8. LHLewis Howes35:36

      A lot of people say, you know, "Just stack these habits. You know, if you're running, also listen to something or also do this or whatever it might be, or drinking water." It's like, how do you stack two or three habits at a time, uh, in order to shift the person you wanna become? So your approach is a little bit different, though. You say we should be putting belief before ritual. Why is that?

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster35:56

      I love habit stacking. Like, I love those tactics and those strategies, and I think that there are a lot of great techniques and, um, approaches that you can take in order to help to facilitate the change that you want to make and

9. 36:11 – 43:06

   Beliefs Before Habit Stacking

   1. KFDr. Kim Foster36:11

      make the actions that you wanna take easier. But if that's all you're doing, you really are just addressing things on that one surface level.

   2. LHLewis Howes36:19

      Level.

   3. KFDr. Kim Foster36:19

      You're not really... So you can maybe, like, m- make some changes and stack some habits onto something that you're already doing, but again, like we were saying before, if you On a hard day, a tough week, if you fundamentally don't believe yourself to be that kind of person, then it's just so much easier to be like, "I don't really... That's not me anyway."

   4. LHLewis Howes36:42

      Yeah.

   5. KFDr. Kim Foster36:43

      And then, you know, it- yeah, sure, it's, I have a stack of habits, but maybe if I just lop off the top couple stack [laughs] like, who's gonna... It just feels more comfortable anyway. So yes, absolutely do all of those bite-sized habits.

   6. LHLewis Howes36:56

      Yes.

   7. KFDr. Kim Foster36:56

      Stack your habits, create a trigger, create a reward. All of those things are so great, but you also at the same time need to be addressing that deeper foundational identity level. It's like the example that I often, the metaphor that I give is like your operating system and your apps. So the apps are like your goals and your habits and habit stacking-

   8. LHLewis Howes37:16

      Mm-hmm

   9. KFDr. Kim Foster37:16

      ... all that stuff. But when you... So you can download all kinds of fancy new apps, but you open up your phone and th- those apps are glitching or they're not loading or they're crashing or whatever is happening. What you realize is that the operating system is, hasn't been updated in a couple of years. You need to update that operating system so that the apps can run correctly-

   10. LHLewis Howes37:37

       Mm-hmm

   11. KFDr. Kim Foster37:38

       ... in your actual life on a, not just on your best day, but on a random Tuesday when things are really tough otherwise in your life, or you're busy or you're tired or the kids need you or whatever needs you.

   12. LHLewis Howes37:50

       Yeah. If someone listening or watching right now is stuck in a pattern that they find hard to break, where do they actually start today that you think will help them to become a better person?

   13. KFDr. Kim Foster38:00

       Well, the very first thing, of course, is that recognize step. So that's when you really need to, rather than blaming the habit or blaming yourself or blaming external circumstances or genetics or whatever it is that, you know, you're blaming on the outside, is to really recognize the story that you have been running underneath. Really recognize that, "Oh, I've not really been thinking that this is available to me. I've really been thinking that I am this kind of person-"

   14. LHLewis Howes38:31

       Yeah

   15. KFDr. Kim Foster38:31

       ... not that kind of person." And those kinds of statements, that's just stories that we, we don't just make them up randomly. I mean, it comes to us from a whole bunch of accumulated evidence and sources as we're growing up and going through life. So it's not just random. It came from somewhere, but it still is a story, and since it's a story that was written means it can be rewritten-

   16. LHLewis Howes38:55

       Mm

   17. KFDr. Kim Foster38:55

       ... into something else. And so that's really the, the starting point is to just get curious and question. And, and detached curiosity is, is so key because we can beat ourselves up, be like, "Why do I, why have I always believed this? Oh, I'm such, I'm the worst." And that's not helpful either. So, you know, it's a matter of becoming, just granting yourself some grace and saying-

   18. LHLewis Howes39:17

       Yeah

   19. KFDr. Kim Foster39:17

       ... "Well, of course, this is what I've been thinking because there's been a whole lot of proof-

   20. LHLewis Howes39:20

       Mm

   21. KFDr. Kim Foster39:20

       ... that I've been accumulating for, you know, how I'm going to live and exist in the world."

   22. LHLewis Howes39:27

       Yeah. What's the biggest thing you struggle with today still? After knowing all that you know from creating your content and coaching people, writing the book, where do you struggle around identity?

   23. KFDr. Kim Foster39:38

       My favorite lab currently for personal development and identity is golf. So I've become completely obsessed with golf.

   24. LHLewis Howes39:45

       Really? [laughs]

   25. KFDr. Kim Foster39:46

       Yes, completely obsessed. And that's becau- And one of the things that I absolutely love about it is that it is such a pure personal development lab. It shows all of your stuff. If I am distracted, if I am not trusting myself, it shows up in the flight of the ball immediately. And, uh, and I love that. So committing to my shot, but then being totally detached from the outcome is the key that I have learned, and that's what I'm practicing all the time. And that applies not just to golf, obviously, [laughs] um, but to life. So making a decision, being fully committed to the swing, to the action, whatever it is that you're taking, but then not making it mean something if, if it catches a bad bounce, if it, the wind catches it, like whatever. The, these are life circumstances. And so, you know, be- but not making that mean that I didn't do my job-

   26. LHLewis Howes40:45

       Mm

   27. KFDr. Kim Foster40:45

       ... of being, making the decision, being committed, and doing the thing-

   28. LHLewis Howes40:49

       Yeah

   29. KFDr. Kim Foster40:49

       ... and then detaching from it.

   30. LHLewis Howes40:50

       Wow. What do you think most people get wrong in the self-help space about motivation and goal setting?
10. 43:06 – 48:05

    Reframing Severe Self-Doubt

    1. LHLewis Howes43:08

       What's a mental reframe- That people need to apply when they have self-doubt

    2. KFDr. Kim Foster43:16

       Self-doubt is a fascinating kinda thing, and I think it kinda gets a bad rap-

    3. LHLewis Howes43:22

       Mm

    4. KFDr. Kim Foster43:22

       ... because we think that we shouldn't have self... If... I think that a lot of people feel like, "If I'm feeling self-doubt, that must mean something about my capability or about what's possible. Maybe this is the wrong thing. Maybe I can't really do this." Um, so for me, the goal isn't to never have self-doubt. It's to manage, to figure out how to work through it. The story that I think of most when I think about self-doubt in my own life, um, was when I was a resident, and the very first time, like, so I'm working in the hospital, and it's, it's very tough. And I'm on call that night, and it's the middle of the night, and we get called to a code. So that's when somebody's having cardiac arrest.

    5. LHLewis Howes44:01

       Wow.

    6. KFDr. Kim Foster44:01

       So and I'm in... So I'm first year, so I'm very new on the team.

    7. LHLewis Howes44:05

       They're having a heart attack in the hospital?

    8. KFDr. Kim Foster44:07

       They are in the hospital, yeah. Code... The cardiac arrest in the hospital. So we have to do the resuscitation-

    9. LHLewis Howes44:11

       Wow

    10. KFDr. Kim Foster44:11

        ... and the defibrillation, everything.

    11. LHLewis Howes44:13

        That's a lot.

    12. KFDr. Kim Foster44:14

        Yes.

    13. LHLewis Howes44:14

        It's quite intense.

    14. KFDr. Kim Foster44:14

        Oh, yeah, but it happened all the time. Like, this was-

    15. LHLewis Howes44:17

        Wow

    16. KFDr. Kim Foster44:17

        ... quite, quite normal.

    17. LHLewis Howes44:18

        Like, every week?

    18. KFDr. Kim Foster44:20

        Almost every shift that you're on.

    19. LHLewis Howes44:22

        Someone's having a heart attack every shift?

    20. KFDr. Kim Foster44:24

        Almost, yeah.

    21. LHLewis Howes44:25

        Wow.

    22. KFDr. Kim Foster44:25

        Yeah, typically, if y- yeah, if you're on the code team-

    23. LHLewis Howes44:27

        So you bring the defibrillator, you bring the whole thing in.

    24. KFDr. Kim Foster44:29

        Yes, this is-

    25. LHLewis Howes44:29

        Wow, that's intense.

    26. KFDr. Kim Foster44:30

        Yeah, yeah.

    27. LHLewis Howes44:31

        The adrenaline must always be on-

    28. KFDr. Kim Foster44:32

        Always

    29. LHLewis Howes44:33

        ... edge.

    30. KFDr. Kim Foster44:33

        Oh, because, because mostly you're getting woken up out of the- [laughs]
11. 48:05 – 1:00:35

    Habits to Become Instantly Magnetic

    1. LHLewis Howes48:05

       you instantly more magnetic?

    2. KFDr. Kim Foster48:07

       Mm-hmm. Yeah, this was actually quite a popular video on my YouTube channel, um, a little unexpectedly. I mean, we make these videos, and then-

    3. LHLewis Howes48:16

       You never know

    4. KFDr. Kim Foster48:16

       ... you never know. Yeah, um, but I really had a lot of fun with this one. And, um, the core of it certainly is, I mean, it's the stuff that we've been talking about is your identity. So you first of all need to stop telling yourself that you're not magnetic or that you're not confident or any of that kind of thing because when you carry that energy, that does a couple of things. First, it limits what you even put yourself out for.

    5. LHLewis Howes48:41

       Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

    6. KFDr. Kim Foster48:41

       Or you just decide... You don't even see opportunities because you've already pre-decided that that's not for you.

    7. LHLewis Howes48:47

       Mm-hmm.

    8. KFDr. Kim Foster48:48

       So that's the first thing really is to decide that, uh... It's just f- find a more empowering identity. And again, maybe, like, the, the big magn- I'm a super attractor, like, that might be too far.

    9. LHLewis Howes49:01

       Or create a bridge.

    10. KFDr. Kim Foster49:01

        So a bridge identity. Yeah, you can absolutely do that and then start to gather proof for that. Um, but then the other sort of more ... practical thing would be, and this also comes from having a disempowering identity, is to stop monitoring yourself so much.

    11. LHLewis Howes49:16

        What does that mean?

    12. KFDr. Kim Foster49:17

        So you are checking in, like, "I'm... See, how am I coming across?"

    13. LHLewis Howes49:22

        Mm-hmm.

    14. KFDr. Kim Foster49:22

        "How do I look? How do I sound? Am I... What am I doing with my hands? Am I awkward now?" That kind of thing, which pulls you right out of the energy of actually being present in the room and present with another person and listening to what's happening, um, because you're just all entirely in your own head.

    15. LHLewis Howes49:41

        Self-focused.

    16. KFDr. Kim Foster49:41

        Self-focused.

    17. LHLewis Howes49:42

        So be outward-focused-

    18. KFDr. Kim Foster49:43

        Yeah

    19. LHLewis Howes49:43

        ... not self-focused.

    20. KFDr. Kim Foster49:44

        Mm-hmm.

    21. LHLewis Howes49:44

        Okay.

    22. KFDr. Kim Foster49:45

        Yeah.

    23. LHLewis Howes49:45

        What's the next tiny little habit?

    24. KFDr. Kim Foster49:47

        Another one is pause. Slow down. So rather than rushing into a thing and just blurting something out because you need to fill that silence or fill that awkwardness, just pausing, taking your time, and again, that's a present, being present kind of thing. And the first time that I learned that was actually also in medical residency. See, th- this is the thing, is that I actually learned a ton about myself and life and people going through that training 'cause it's so intense. There's so much going on. So, and again, I get to bring that all with me-

    25. LHLewis Howes50:24

        Of course

    26. KFDr. Kim Foster50:24

        ... even though I'm not practicing clinically anymore. Um, but yeah, I was doing radiology rotations, so that's like X-rays, reading images and films and things.

    27. LHLewis Howes50:32

        Mm-hmm.

    28. KFDr. Kim Foster50:32

        And so, uh, the attending physician would p- put a film up. This is when we used film, not digital. But anyway, put a film up and, uh, and he'd say, "Okay, so Dr. Foster, what do you see?" And the impulse, of course, is just to, like, immediately just grasp at something because it's awkward. Everybody is there. It's like a g- a large group. It's not just a sing- It's we're doing rounds, and it's a big group of people. I trained myself to not immediately grasp for the first answer, to just look and be okay with there being silence as I'm processing and, and read it and then start to come with my initial thoughts, my initial impressions, that kind of thing. Um, and it was really tough and... But I trained myself to do that, and it made a big difference, I think, and, uh, one of the senior residents on the team actually pulled me aside, and he's like, "Really, you've got great composure."

    29. LHLewis Howes51:30

        Mm.

    30. KFDr. Kim Foster51:30

        "You really... It's, like, impressive how when they ask you a question, you're not just, like, babbling and blurting something out." And, uh, that was-
12. 1:00:35 – 1:04:11

    Three Truths & Defining Greatness

    1. LHLewis Howes1:00:35

       Um, this is a question called the three truths. I ask it towards the end. Imagine you get to live as long as you want, uh, and create whatever you want-

    2. KFDr. Kim Foster1:00:43

       Mm

    3. LHLewis Howes1:00:43

       ... but it's the last day for you, and you have to take all of your work with you. So the book, your content, it's all gone from this world. And you only get to leave behind three final lessons to the world. That's all we would have of your content. What would those three truths be for you?

    4. KFDr. Kim Foster1:00:57

       Truth number one is that you're not fixed I think that we really underestimate how much we can actually change and evolve over the course of a lifetime. And yes, your history absolutely influences you, but it doesn't dictate what's possible for you. And I like to say your past is not your prophecy.

    5. LHLewis Howes1:01:16

       Mm-hmm.

    6. KFDr. Kim Foster1:01:17

       So that's truth number one. And then, uh, truth number two is don't confuse who you had to become with who you have to remain.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:01:28

       Mm.

    8. KFDr. Kim Foster1:01:28

       So, like the story that I was telling you about the survivor in me, so I had to become the survivor to get through-

    9. LHLewis Howes1:01:34

       Yes

    10. KFDr. Kim Foster1:01:34

        ... what I was doing. Um, and that I'm very grateful for that identity. It wasn't a bad identity. It helped me achieve things and get through. And, but I don't have to remain that.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:01:48

        Mm.

    12. KFDr. Kim Foster1:01:48

        That doesn't have to be what I stay doing forever. You are allowed to evolve beyond something that once served you beautifully. And then number three is your life is happening right now. Because I think that, um, it's really easy to spend... I know I spent a lot of time preparing for the next thing. Once I achieve this, once the kids get older-

    13. LHLewis Howes1:02:16

        Mm

    14. KFDr. Kim Foster1:02:16

        ... once I get more clarity. And it's a bit of a, it can be a trap for people who are ambitious to spend so much of their energy and time building the future, but forget to inhabit the life-

    15. LHLewis Howes1:02:28

        Mm

    16. KFDr. Kim Foster1:02:28

        ... that you're in right now. So, you know, take the trip, take the risk.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:02:33

        Yes.

    18. KFDr. Kim Foster1:02:33

        Be here for it.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:02:35

        That's beautiful. And final question for you, Kim. What's your definition of greatness?

    20. KFDr. Kim Foster1:02:40

        So my definition of greatness has actually changed quite a bit, uh, over the years, and I think that my younger self would have said that greatness is a lot about excellence.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:02:51

        Mm-hmm.

    22. KFDr. Kim Foster1:02:52

        So discovering what you're capable of and then proving it and achieving really hard things and becoming exceptional at something that is ideally measurable and visible to other people. And, uh, but now I think that dis- greatness is much more about discernment. So meaning becoming really deeply discerning about what deserves your life. Because just because you're capable of doing something doesn't mean that you are obligated to do it.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:03:26

        Mm-hmm.

    24. KFDr. Kim Foster1:03:26

        And of course, that's my story, too. And but I think that it's really important getting clear on what actually deserves your effort and your precious life and the years that you have. And then going all in on that, like giving yourself fully to that, becoming discerning-

    25. LHLewis Howes1:03:43

        Mm

    26. KFDr. Kim Foster1:03:43

        ... and giving yourself fully to that.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:03:45

        Mm, that's beautiful. Kim, thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it.

    28. KFDr. Kim Foster1:03:48

        Yeah, it's my pleasure. It's a great conversation.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:03:50

        Yeah.

    30. KFDr. Kim Foster1:03:51

        When we're not something positive, the compensation is do more of that. If I'm not loved, what am I gonna do? Try and become lovable. But there's a shadow side that came into my work maybe a decade ago. Like, it was ma- like, I was like, "How come I'm talking to thousands of people, and some of their conditions seem so much more macabre and dark and destructive?" And I real-

Episode duration: 1:04:11