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Lewis HowesIf A Man DEEPLY LOVES YOU, He Will DO THESE 3 Things! | Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Why Choosing the Safe Partner Backfires
Lewis asks for the biggest reasons relationships fail, and Stephan names lack of healing, which leads people to choose the wrong partner. He explains that people pick someone who doesn't make them feel deeply so they can stay emotionally in control, and that this safe choice leaves a void.
- •Lack of healing leads people to choose the wrong person, a foundation that can't be fixed later
- •People who were hurt when they opened up choose partners who don't take them to a vulnerable place
- •The safe choice means not being fully invested, so the person starts from a deficit
- •The partner eventually notices he isn't getting the energy and respect he wants
Scarcity, Competition and Attraction to Taken Men
Stephan explains that a man seen with a desirable woman gains status in other women's eyes. He ties that to women's belief that quality men are scarce. They discuss the insecurity that follows when a man leaves someone else for you.
- •Dating down raises a man's stock with other women
- •Women who see quality men as scarce try to get their foot in the door
- •A woman who wins a man from someone else may later worry he'll stray the same way
- •Others may remind her of how she got him, which feeds her insecurity
Spiritual vs. Sexual Attraction and Becoming Your Masculine Self
Stephan leans toward spiritual attraction over sexual attraction for women, since women value non-sexual intimacy. He says a man attracts a lasting partner by becoming his most confident masculine self, and that a yes-man loses her attraction.
- •Most women choose hugs and emotional availability over raw sex, so Stephan leans toward spiritual attraction
- •A man should walk in confident masculine energy, though it looks different for each man
- •A man who lacks self-respect and becomes a yes-man loses a woman's attraction
- •Two kinds of safety: guarding against vulnerability versus a man providing real security
Trapped with a Good Man You Don't Love
Stephan describes how hard it is for a woman to be with a good man she isn't in love with, because no one supports her leaving. Some create turmoil or cheat to force an exit. He and Lewis also say the woman's route to a healthy partner is walking in her true feminine self.
- •It's easier to leave a cheater or abuser than a good man you aren't truly in love with
- •Some people create drama or even cheat to make a partner leave
- •Women must be their feminine self first rather than hoping to be feminine once they find the right man
- •Healed people spot dysfunction quickly and guarded people repel healthy partners
Healing First, Clarity on Values, and Waiting on Sex
Lewis shares how six months of intensive therapy and coaching let him get honest about his values and delay sex until they were committed. Stephan agrees that waiting helps, explains why people rush into sex, and says chemistry is often attraction mixed with horniness.
- •Lewis healed before his current relationship and spoke about values and vision early
- •Delaying sex removed clouded judgment from those conversations
- •Stephan warns against first dates at concerts because fun can hide whether you enjoy each other's presence
- •People rush sex for different reasons, including using it as a weapon or as validation
Three Conversations Before Commitment
Stephan says couples should discuss roles, needs and how they'll communicate during conflict before committing. They talk about why people avoid these conversations and how great sex relates to bonding. Lewis describes the agreements and third-party check-ins he set up with his partner.
- •Discuss each person's role and what each expects from the other, including toward marriage
- •People avoid this out of shame, fear of losing the person, or not knowing themselves
- •Stephan views oxytocin from orgasm as a bonding mechanism, making great sex important
- •Set a communication structure, such as cooling-off time, letters, and regular relationship checkups
- •Lewis's therapeutic check-ins and no-yelling agreement witnessed by a third party
Masculine and Feminine Differences and Submission
Stephan argues that society's push for equality has caused a lack of balance, ignoring how men and women are wired differently, especially around intimacy and sex. He explains what helps a woman feel sexually receptive and redefines submission as letting a man love and lead.
- •Women often want intimacy and feel they must go through sex to get it
- •Connection outside the bedroom affects connection inside it, and judgment shuts a woman down
- •Men struggle to open up emotionally when they fear losing her respect
- •Submission means allowing a man to love and provide, not dictatorship
- •Ask what kind of life you'd want without fear of hurt or judgment
Why 50/50 Relationships Don't Work
They discuss why women sometimes end up leading with men who contribute less. Stephan argues that 50/50 is a product of the fight for equality, that it rarely stays equal in practice, and that it neutralizes the masculine-feminine polarity.
- •A masculine-leaning woman tends to attract men who need her resources and stabilization
- •A man open to 50/50 from the start is unlikely to take on more later
- •Splitting bills equally isn't equal when incomes differ
- •Egalitarian relationships were cited as among the most sexless
- •Overloading a woman mentally wears her down and affects intimacy
What Men Need: Support, Respect, Sexual Satisfaction
Stephan names support and belief, respect, and sexual satisfaction as men's core needs and explains the role of testosterone, semen retention and sexual transmutation. They discuss how unmet needs can lead to infidelity and how men can cut off temptation by removing influences.
- •Men need support, a woman who believes in them, and sexual satisfaction
- •Stephan explains semen retention and sexual transmutation as ways to channel energy
- •Cut off the influences that feed temptation, such as certain social media
- •Infidelity can start from an emotional need like lack of support rather than a sexual one
- •Discuss needs honestly before committing, even uncomfortable ones
Monogamy, Ambitious Men and Multiple Partners
Stephan shares his theory that most men can be happy with one woman, while highly ambitious, high-sexual-energy men struggle more. He credits his relationship with God for helping him. He argues that multiple partners or open arrangements don't work long term and often stem from fear of vulnerability.
- •Most men can be happy with one woman if their needs are met
- •Ambitious men tend toward high sexual energy and may struggle with monogamy
- •Stephan says his relationship with God helps him
- •He hasn't seen open arrangements produce happy, fulfilled partnerships
- •Multiple women can be a coping mechanism for men who were hurt
- •Men would take a deal without love more readily than women
What Each Partner Needs and Balance Over Equality
Stephan lists what women need: love as non-sexual intimacy, security and stimulation. He says men must learn to love in their masculine while tapping into feminine sides. He closes with advice not to fear losing a partner more than yourself and to find your missing piece rather than your equal.
- •Women need non-sexual love, security and mental stimulation
- •A client's story shows how loss of security shut down her sexual response
- •Men must tap into their feminine side while still loving from their masculine
- •Never be afraid to lose a person more than you're afraid to lose yourself
- •Find your missing piece, as with the Bulls' Rodman, rather than an equal
Dating After 30, Dating Stigma and Stephan's Own Criteria
Stephan says what men write on paper differs from who they end up with, so women over 30 can still win by being their best selves. He notes people blame dating itself when a practice just didn't fit a person. Lewis then asks what Stephan would need in a partner, and he cites attraction, femininity, healthy lifestyle, personality balance, lifestyle values and spiritual alignment.
- •Men's stated preferences differ from real-life connection, like asking for a Bentley and leaving with a Corolla
- •Aim for the one aligned partner, not the whole base of men
- •Don't abandon what works because one person didn't appreciate it
- •Stephan's criteria include attraction, feminine energy, healthy lifestyle and spiritual alignment
- •He says God's timing and his purpose have prolonged his single status
Understanding Each Other: The Simplicity of Men and Women's Emotions
Stephan says a second big issue is that men and women don't understand how the other thinks. He says women should understand the simplicity of men, taking them at their word. Men should honor a woman's emotions, using awareness, practice and communication when things are calm.
- •Women often overthink what a man plainly says he wants
- •Men dismiss feelings like 'I don't feel safe' because they don't fit logic
- •Her emotion is reality to her, so honor it in the moment
- •Revisit the issue later when things are calm
- •Be patient and give grace to a good partner
Single Good Women, Timing, and Healing Clarity
Lewis asks what might be missing for good single women. Stephan cites lack of connection to feminine energy and dragging on with the wrong men. They discuss how unhealed people stay in relationships too long, seek validation from unhealed friends, and why healed people tolerate less dysfunction.
- •A woman projecting masculine energy may seem difficult to a man who needs peace
- •Don't let time with the wrong man hinder availability for the right one
- •Unhealed people stay in relationships longer and get validation from other unhealed friends
- •Healed people can't tolerate dysfunction, like returning to fast food after detox
- •Most people only heal after hitting a wall
When a Partner Won't Heal and Choosing from Brokenness
Lewis asks what happens if one spouse heals and the other won't. Stephan says he can't encourage staying in a toxic situation and that fear of healing often outweighs fear of losing the partner. He argues unhealed people are very likely to choose the wrong person because brokenness validates staying broken.
- •Can't encourage staying in toxic situations, though he looks for progress and grace
- •Fear of facing pain can outweigh fear of divorce
- •Some people never change
- •If unhealed, you're 99% likely to choose the wrong person, in Stephan's view
- •A healthy partner would demand growth, while another broken person validates not facing issues
