If A Man DEEPLY LOVES YOU, He Will DO THESE 3 Things! | Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes

Stephan Speaks 0:00 In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep to, compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go.

Lewis Howes 0:14 I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness.

Stephan Speaks 0:17 Really?

Lewis Howes 0:17 [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. We get, we were just talking about, uh, sex. We were talking about, uh, that women have been told that they're, have no hope after 30.

Stephan Speaks 0:27 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 0:28 And we were talking about, you know, and I was also gonna ask you about the biggest reasons why people, um, fail in relationships.

Stephan Speaks 0:36 Mm.

Lewis Howes 0:37 And I'm curious, before we get to the sex and the, the hope for women after 30 in relationships, why do you think, or what are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up. Why do you think the... What are those three things that cause that?

Stephan Speaks 0:54 All right, so number one, lack of healing.

Lewis Howes 0:57 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 0:57 Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with, which is this, the foundation for disaster because at that point, there's n- everything else I'm about to mention, you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them. It's not a good fit. And so a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just, they just can't match up with properly, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:22 Is that trauma bonding? Or what is that?

Stephan Speaks 1:24 Um-

Lewis Howes 1:24 How is that playing a part?

Stephan Speaks 1:25 Some of it is trauma bonding. Some of it is individual... So, so what's happening is this, this phenomena, if you wanna call it, that people are choosing individuals that are, quote-unquote, "good enough to be with," but they don't really make them feel deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before, and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely, I fear being that vulnerable. So now, you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person, but people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for. So okay, I can be with this person-

Lewis Howes 2:06 Ah

Stephan Speaks 2:06 ... and maintain emotional control. They don't take me there, so I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation.

Lewis Howes 2:14 Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy?

Stephan Speaks 2:17 Absolutely. And the safe choice is almost always, if not always, the wrong choice.

Lewis Howes 2:22 Oh, man.

Stephan Speaks 2:22 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:23 Why, why is the safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman?

Stephan Speaks 2:26 So think about it. In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep to, compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go. It's not as deep to where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So you're starting from a deficit as far as I'm not fully into this. I'm not fully into this guy. But again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with.

Lewis Howes 2:55 Huh.

Stephan Speaks 2:56 But because you already have a built-in void, so what happens is this. She chooses this man. She's not really into him. Let's say she's not that attracted to him, and, and it's not that he's not a good-looking guy. She's just not attracted to him that, like that. Well, because you don't have that attraction, you're not gonna pour into him at the same level that he needs you to. You won't be as intimate with him. You may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to. You're not gonna give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void, initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed a, a man who is of a lower position than her, or lower quality of, than her, he may just be happy to have this woman. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have her." So he's infatuated, he's going in. He's blinded by his desires for her. But at some point, the smoke clears.

Lewis Howes 3:51 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 3:52 A- a- and then he realizes, "Wait a minute. Okay, I have her, but I'm not being treated the way I wanna be treated."

Lewis Howes 3:58 I'm getting walked all over. I'm-

Stephan Speaks 3:59 Exactly. It's all about her

Lewis Howes 4:00 ... my boundaries are getting crossed, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 4:02 Yes. I, I don't get the respect that I deserve here. And here's what's crazy. W- when that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that, and let's just say she date, she dates down. Well, she just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this.

Lewis Howes 4:18 That's true.

Stephan Speaks 4:19 They're looking and they're saying, "How did he get her?" He-

Lewis Howes 4:22 What does he have?

Stephan Speaks 4:23 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 4:23 He must have something unique about him.

Stephan Speaks 4:23 He must have something. Big pockets.

Lewis Howes 4:25 Big something else. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 4:26 Big something else. Yeah. [laughs] Right? Some power. Something.

Lewis Howes 4:30 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 4:30 Now, these women want to find out.

Lewis Howes 4:33 Do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is-

Stephan Speaks 4:36 Hell yeah

Lewis Howes 4:37 ... of, you know, hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with?

Stephan Speaks 4:42 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 4:42 That they start to be more attracted to that guy?

Stephan Speaks 4:46 Yes. L- and even, even if it's not of a lower quality. If as a man you are seen with an attractive woman, a high-quality woman, a desirable woman, you become more desirable to other women.

Lewis Howes 5:00 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 5:00 I've, I've s- I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs. They'll go there with a woman, and they'll get more attention.

Lewis Howes 5:08 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 5:08 And when that woman walks away, some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there.

Lewis Howes 5:13 Why do women do this?

Stephan Speaks 5:14 [laughs] They-

Lewis Howes 5:16 Why? It seems like women don't have, uh, ethics or don't have-

Stephan Speaks 5:19 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 5:19 ... or don't have, have integrity. As opposed to always saying, "Hey, I'm, I appreciate and I'm, and I'm happy for you two." Why is it that some women-

Stephan Speaks 5:28 Yeah, some women

Lewis Howes 5:28 ... w- want to get in there and try to, quote-unquote, "steal the man" or influence the man to stray?

Stephan Speaks 5:35 Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are, they're not in abundance out here.

Lewis Howes 5:42 They're scarce.

Stephan Speaks 5:43 Yes, they're very scarce. So when you come across one or you think you come across one, a lot of them have the mentality of, "Oh no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself." If they thought it was abundant out there, then they would be less pressed to do that.

Lewis Howes 5:57 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 5:58 And it-

Lewis Howes 5:58 But what, but what happens if a guy, uh, okay, leaves the person he's with for you?

Stephan Speaks 6:03 Mm.

Lewis Howes 6:03 Is that woman then gonna be confident that he wouldn't do it again?

Stephan Speaks 6:08 It, it depends. I think there are some women who convince themsel- like, there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman or who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her, and to her, she's good. As long as she's getting what she needs, she's good.

Lewis Howes 6:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 6:22 But I do think that in the back of their head, once something starts to go wrong, that's when those thoughts start to creep in.

Lewis Howes 6:30 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 6:30 All right?

Lewis Howes 6:30 I wonder if he's talking to someone else.

Stephan Speaks 6:31 Ex-

Lewis Howes 6:31 Why isn't he giving me the attention anymore?

Stephan Speaks 6:33 Exactly. And now, and, and I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her.

Lewis Howes 6:40 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 6:40 "Well, you got him this way."

Lewis Howes 6:42 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 6:42 "So you might lose him the same." And now the insecurities really start to kick in, and it starts to become a huge problem.

Lewis Howes 6:48 You talked about attraction, and I'm sorry to get you off track here.

Stephan Speaks 6:51 No problem.

Lewis Howes 6:51 But you talked about attraction. What do you think is more important, sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman?

Stephan Speaks 7:01 I'm, I'm gonna say spiritual attraction.

Lewis Howes 7:04 More than sexual attraction.

Stephan Speaks 7:05 But, but, but I'm saying that with hesitancy, all right?

Lewis Howes 7:07 [laughs] You're pausing before you say it.

Stephan Speaks 7:08 Yeah. Oh, yeah. [laughs] I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm not 100%.

Lewis Howes 7:12 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 7:13 The only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex, okay? So, if you had door number one, hugs, kisses, caresses, you know, being emotionally available. Door number two, just straight sex. Women are choosing... Most women are choosing door number one. Most men are choosing door number two.

Lewis Howes 7:38 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 7:39 And so because of that value for the, the deeper levels of intimacy, I feel like s- uh, spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that.

Lewis Howes 7:48 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 7:48 Whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things.

Lewis Howes 7:51 Right.

Stephan Speaks 7:51 So that's why I would pick spiritual attraction.

Lewis Howes 7:54 Wow. What would you say for any guy listening or watching, if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams-

Stephan Speaks 8:02 Mm

Lewis Howes 8:02 ... or essentially any woman that they really desired, if they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible, lifelong, loving partner who gave them a fulfilling, joyful life?

Stephan Speaks 8:20 Mm.

Lewis Howes 8:20 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 8:22 I would say they would have to become their most confident, masculine self.

Lewis Howes 8:27 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 8:28 Whatever that looks like. It's gonna look different for every guy. But at the foundation of it, there must be confidence in who he is, and he must exude that masculine energy. Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude, but you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy. That's the power of the man.

Lewis Howes 8:51 What if there's a man who's extremely masculine, but lacks confidence? What type of partner does he attract typically?

Stephan Speaks 8:59 Well, I think lacking confidence, it, it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect. Uh, the things you're gonna allow a woman to get away with is gonna start to lose, cause her to lose attraction for you. So it's almost like if you become her yes man, a lot of women don't want a yes man. Most women don't want a yes man. It might sound good to some initially, but over time, she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself, that you, you aren't giving your own perspective.

Lewis Howes 9:30 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 9:30 That you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan. So that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process.

Lewis Howes 9:44 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 9:44 And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean, think, whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played, it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants, and just putting all his desires to the side to make her happy. That doesn't work. Not like that it doesn't.

Lewis Howes 10:04 Mm. That's kinda like the safe man, right?

Stephan Speaks 10:06 Yes.

Lewis Howes 10:07 So the safe man is not always the right man, is what I think I heard you say, right?

Stephan Speaks 10:12 Yeah. It's almost always.

Lewis Howes 10:14 Typically. But doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man?

Stephan Speaks 10:19 Yes, but the safety... So the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable-

Lewis Howes 10:28 Oh

Stephan Speaks 10:28 ... in this relationship.

Lewis Howes 10:30 Oh, oh.

Stephan Speaks 10:30 So I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before, at, at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever wanna go there again. That's very different than the man who she is completely invested in, completely in love with, and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her, the need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her, where she can rest in her feminine energy, so to speak-

Lewis Howes 10:59 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 10:59 ... while she's with him. That's two different types of safety.

Lewis Howes 11:02 So it's like, okay, if you choose a safe man, but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable.

Stephan Speaks 11:11 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 11:11 It's a space where you probably know you're in control.

Stephan Speaks 11:14 Yes.

Lewis Howes 11:14 Where you're probably have more value to offer, or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them.

Stephan Speaks 11:21 And that, that's the big one. It- it's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him.

Lewis Howes 11:29 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 11:29 And that's where they feel like it is safe. But again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Oh, yeah, I wanna say never.

Lewis Howes 11:36 Never. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 11:37 I should never say never, but I-

Lewis Howes 11:38 Right, right

Stephan Speaks 11:38 ... I'm gonna use that word right now.

Lewis Howes 11:39 Because if someone, if you are in a relationship like that, a- and maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning.

Stephan Speaks 11:46 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 11:46 But you realize a year, two years in, okay, you know, the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy. He'll do anything I want him to do at all times. He stops his dreams for my dreams. Whatever it

Lewis Howes 12:00 is.

Stephan Speaks 12:01 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 12:02 What is typically the women you've worked with, how do they, what do they say about that? What do they feel about that? And what is their struggle? Is it they want to leave? Is it they just feel bad, they don't feel the connection anymore? What is it that they feel?

Stephan Speaks 12:15 Well, so it's, it's a tricky place because at that point, it's hard for them to fully express what's going on. Like, one of the things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love... Well, with a good man-

Lewis Howes 12:29 Oh

Stephan Speaks 12:30 ... you're not truly in love with.

Lewis Howes 12:31 Oh, why is that the worst position?

Stephan Speaks 12:32 Because at that point, if she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored, she's feeling unsatisfied, who can she run to and say this to that won't say, "But wait a minute, you have a great man. You can't do that. Oh, just work..." Like, no one's gonna say, "Oh, yeah, you know what? I get it. Just walk away." Now, I won't say no one, but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away.

Lewis Howes 12:56 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 12:57 So she knows she's gonna get pushback from people. But not just pushback from people, from her own self. It's like, "Okay, wait a minute. Do I leave this great guy who loves me so much?"

Lewis Howes 13:07 Ugh.

Stephan Speaks 13:07 "Which is so safe here, even though I'm not really that happy, I'm not fulfilled, or maybe I'm not that attracted to him?" That's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her.

Lewis Howes 13:21 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 13:21 It'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something. Then she could easily validate, "Oh, okay, I gotta go." And that's why some women in that situation, what they do is try to create turmoil. Try to find-

Lewis Howes 13:35 Drama.

Stephan Speaks 13:35 Yes. They, they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say, "Okay, I don't have to be here anymore." Or to make that man want to leave them. And, and in fairness, this happens on both sides, but I've literally talked to clients who the only re- they cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them.

Lewis Howes 13:53 Oh my gosh.

Stephan Speaks 13:54 Because what was happening was in this instance, she was trying to tell the guy over and over, "I don't wanna be here." But again, he's this good guy, "I love you. I don't wanna lose you." So-

Lewis Howes 14:04 I'll do whatever you need.

Stephan Speaks 14:05 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 14:05 I'll change. Oh, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 14:06 And, and out of guilt and sympathy-

Lewis Howes 14:08 Ugh

Stephan Speaks 14:08 ... she c- she stays with him. But she, she's still not happy, so now she's thinking, "Okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't wanna do this anymore, even when I tell him this is not working. So what can I do?" And some will actually cheat on purpose, let the man find out-

Lewis Howes 14:25 Ugh

Stephan Speaks 14:26 ... hoping he would finally let go. And in some cases, he still doesn't let go. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 14:31 Oh my gosh. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 14:31 He gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her. And she feels trapped. And so, it just continues like... It's just a never ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it or, I don't know, just, it just, it's crazy what happens.

Lewis Howes 14:46 There's drama and stress.

Stephan Speaks 14:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:47 So what I heard you say, for a man to attract the, you know, a joyful, loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for, you know, a long term, I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem, their confidence, and their, their masculinity.

Stephan Speaks 15:08 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 15:08 They gotta step into that leadership masculinity quality, right?

Stephan Speaks 15:11 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 15:11 That essence. If a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man, someone that is safe in terms of they can trust, but um, where they have to fully, they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way, what does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves?

Stephan Speaks 15:36 Uh, and it's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self, whoever they really are, but being that best version of themselves. And, and to what you were saying, it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with. It has to be be your feminine self first, and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with.

Lewis Howes 16:01 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 16:02 Or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy, and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want. But what's happening to so many women is th- they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness. As when I'm feminine, I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the, uh, the mindset is, "If I find the right man, I can be that." So you'll hear a lot of women say-

Lewis Howes 16:27 Wow

Stephan Speaks 16:27 ... "Well, I am feminine in a relationship." The problem is he can't see that far in to know-

Lewis Howes 16:33 Wow

Stephan Speaks 16:33 ... that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

Lewis Howes 16:36 If he, you can spot it quickly. It's like a, it's a quick essence of-

Stephan Speaks 16:39 Yes

Lewis Howes 16:39 ... seeing either a man or a woman, if they're in that-

Stephan Speaks 16:43 Yes

Lewis Howes 16:43 ... masculine or feminine energy, right?

Stephan Speaks 16:44 Yes.

Lewis Howes 16:44 You can see it how they walk, how they talk, how they look at you, you know, how they carry themselves.

Stephan Speaks 16:50 Yes.

Lewis Howes 16:51 You can feel it in a few seconds probably.

Stephan Speaks 16:53 Yes.

Lewis Howes 16:54 So if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy, someone's gonna see that, and they're gonna be, you know, not as attracted to you.

Stephan Speaks 17:02 Yes.

Lewis Howes 17:02 You're gonna be repelling.

Stephan Speaks 17:04 And, and what's gonna happen is, I, and I'm sure you can vouch to this, once a person heals, spotting hurt-

Lewis Howes 17:12 Oh

Stephan Speaks 17:12 ... dysfunction, trauma, it's like, it's easy now. It's like, it's like your eyes were so, are now so wide open.

Lewis Howes 17:20 Crazy.

Stephan Speaks 17:20 You know, when, when we're not healed, we, we make excuses for it.

Lewis Howes 17:23 Clouded.

Stephan Speaks 17:24 Yeah. [laughs] We, we see-

Lewis Howes 17:26 I've been there many times in the past. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 17:27 Exactly. So I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded, the reality is you're guarded because you're holding onto hurt that you have not resolved.

Lewis Howes 17:37 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 17:37 You're holding onto fear due to past experiences. Well, healthy men can see there's something wrong and it's like, "Oh, I'm not gonna-

Lewis Howes 17:45 Not good

Stephan Speaks 17:45 ... go down that path."

Lewis Howes 17:46 Yeah, I'm, this is, I'm good with this.

Stephan Speaks 17:47 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 17:47 It's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past, I don't know, four years from different relationships, from, you know, breakups and healing. And I really took your lesson to heart after I think the first time we interviewed, I interviewed you, where you were like, "Step one is heal." Right?

Stephan Speaks 18:03 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:03 "This is the h- the healing journey." I didn't do that in a previous relationship. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 18:07 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 18:08 I stepped into another one without healing, and then I was just like, "I can never do this again."

Stephan Speaks 18:11 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:12 Because I thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create- ... different results, and that wasn't the case.

Stephan Speaks 18:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 18:19 'Cause I still hadn't healed.

Stephan Speaks 18:20 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 18:21 So it wasn't until I spent, you know, six intensive months of therapy, coaching, and doing the internal work where I was able to start healing wounds. And it's a journey.

Stephan Speaks 18:31 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 18:32 You know, it's not like you're healed after one, you know, day or something.

Stephan Speaks 18:34 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:34 But it's been a continuous journey. I was able to spot it, and more importantly, I was able to be so courageously honest-

Stephan Speaks 18:42 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 18:42 ... with who I am, what I want, the vision for my life, and a vision for a relationship, my values, what are non-negotiables for me.

Stephan Speaks 18:52 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:52 And I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had.

Stephan Speaks 19:00 It-

Lewis Howes 19:00 I was so happy to be a single for years-

Stephan Speaks 19:03 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 19:03 ... and create peace within, than enter something where I had to-

Stephan Speaks 19:08 Compromise yourself

Lewis Howes 19:09 ... constantly compromise. Now, I'm all for alignment-

Stephan Speaks 19:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 19:13 ... and agreements where there's, maybe I don't get 100% of everything I want every moment, but we have a shared agreements and alignment-

Stephan Speaks 19:20 Yes

Lewis Howes 19:20 ... on our values, our vision, and our lifestyle, right? It's like... And, and, and speaking about it early in, in a dating experience, for me, was the shift.

Stephan Speaks 19:32 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 19:33 Saying, "Hey, listen, uh, tell me if you, what you think about this concept. I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship," right?

Stephan Speaks 19:40 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 19:42 And something I did in the current relationship is I was like, "We're not gonna have sex until we're committed, until we actually get clear on all these other things that I want to talk about."

Stephan Speaks 19:51 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 19:51 Challenge is I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience, about values, vision, lifestyle. You know, all these things. My priorities in life.

Stephan Speaks 20:00 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 20:01 But this time I did, and I think it gave me a lot more peace being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion.

Stephan Speaks 20:10 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:11 And I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations.

Stephan Speaks 20:23 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 20:23 Why do you think that is? And do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment? I'm not saying till marriage, but at least-

Stephan Speaks 20:31 Yeah

Lewis Howes 20:32 ... at least having these kind of conversations first.

Stephan Speaks 20:35 No, absolutely. I think w- if more people could wait, it would make things a lot better.

Lewis Howes 20:40 Right.

Stephan Speaks 20:40 Um, as you said, not only, not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things, but it's like we don't wanna face the possible reality of the situation, so we keep everything on the surface.

Lewis Howes 20:56 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 20:56 We keep it at the sex.

Lewis Howes 20:57 Gosh.

Stephan Speaks 20:57 We keep it at the hanging out here and having fun, and yeah, we, we get along with each other's friends, and blah, blah, blah. And that's great, but we're not diving deeper, and it's because I think deep inside we may know that once we do, this may not work anymore.

Lewis Howes 21:12 And we, ah.

Stephan Speaks 21:12 And so we don't wanna have to face that. We don't wanna have to let go, so we keep kicking the can down the road. So I definitely think by removing... The m- the more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment, the better. So, sex is something that can definitely impair judgment. I, I'll give you another example. I knew this one guy. He went on a couple dates, and first date I think was a concert, and the second date was other, some kind of other festivity. And I said, "Listen, don't ever take a woman on a, on a, to a concert on the first date." Because here's the thing. One, there's a huge distraction, the concert going on. It's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other. Two, even if you guys don't really mesh well, if you have fun at the concert-

Lewis Howes 21:57 That was cool. Yeah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 21:58 ... because you guys love that artist and you love that atmosphere, well, that's clouding your judgment to seeing but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy, that doesn't qualify you.

Lewis Howes 22:11 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 22:11 It's can we sit in a room with nothing going on, just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence?

Lewis Howes 22:16 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 22:16 That tells us if we really like each other.

Lewis Howes 22:19 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 22:19 So I definitely think, um, it's best for, to wait as long as possible. And as far as why people do it, I mean, one, people are just horny. That's just... [laughs]

Lewis Howes 22:29 Yeah. [laughs] Sure. It's true, man.

Stephan Speaks 22:30 If we're gonna keep it real, that's one of the things.

Lewis Howes 22:32 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 22:33 I think also again, for some... So okay, for some women, and this is just some women, the idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him, he'll like me. I, I'll, I'll get what I want out this guy. So it's a weapon for her.

Lewis Howes 22:49 Right.

Stephan Speaks 22:50 For some guys, some of it is just desire, but some of it also is I wanna make sure she actually is attracted to me, because a lot of men have dated women, waited, only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process, or only to find out she was never really that interested. He feels used. So his way, some guys' way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy.

Lewis Howes 23:16 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 23:16 You see? So some will rush to that as a, a form of validation for themselves.

Lewis Howes 23:21 Right.

Stephan Speaks 23:21 Um, but I, and I think just also again, people sometimes get caught up in the moment. And I hate when people say, "Oh, well, there was this great sexual chemistry." Chemistry cannot occur until you guys actually have sex. So what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time, and it created this energy between y'all, and you want to move forward with that. And so again, you just have to be careful. Now, I, I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed. There are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date. Um, you know, some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate. But individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me-

Lewis Howes 24:04 Yes

Stephan Speaks 24:05 ... and for me to show up as my au- authentic self in this relationship.

Lewis Howes 24:08 What do you think would be three things that every, every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship? Not even we're talking about marriage, but just I'm gonna, now I'm gonna be committed and we're gonna commit to each other. What are three things they should or should not do before that?

Stephan Speaks 24:26 Okay.

Lewis Howes 24:26 Or three conversations or whatever it might be.

Stephan Speaks 24:28 I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in a relationship-

Lewis Howes 24:35 Mm

Stephan Speaks 24:35 ... and what do you see my role as? Let's discuss all the needs and desires. I really, I, I would argue 90% of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this.

Lewis Howes 24:52 So roles and responsibilities-

Stephan Speaks 24:54 Yes

Lewis Howes 24:54 ... in a relationship. Is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship?

Stephan Speaks 24:59 It could be boyfriend, whatever level we're trying to go to next.

Lewis Howes 25:02 Sure.

Stephan Speaks 25:02 So, if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend, let's define that. I think defining it for marriage as well, if that's the ultimate end goal-

Lewis Howes 25:09 Yes. Yeah

Stephan Speaks 25:09 ... would be smart because what's the point of doing this be-

Lewis Howes 25:12 Spending two years dating

Stephan Speaks 25:13 ... yeah, and then we find out-

Lewis Howes 25:14 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 25:14 ... we're on two different pages for marriage? That makes no sense.

Lewis Howes 25:15 But why do people not have this roles conversation before they commit?

Stephan Speaks 25:20 I, so what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to state what they want.

Lewis Howes 25:26 Gosh.

Stephan Speaks 25:27 They, they feel like it's, they're not allowed... So, perfect example, there are some men out there, and even some women, who are sticklers when it comes to your physical appearance.

Lewis Howes 25:37 Mm-hmm. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 25:37 All right? And they have certain expectations-

Lewis Howes 25:40 It's real

Stephan Speaks 25:41 ... as far as how they want you to look. But society, family, friends tells them, "Oh, that's shallow. Oh, you, if you love them, that shouldn't matter." So then people become hesitant to say, "This is what I'm e- expecting. This is what I want." Also, because at, at that point, you already like this person. Again, there's this fear of if I say what I really want, I may lose what I'm hoping to hold onto right now.

Lewis Howes 26:06 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 26:06 All right? So let me just find a way to dance around this and, and hope we can discuss it later. I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship.

Lewis Howes 26:21 Right.

Stephan Speaks 26:21 So too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves, "Okay, what is important to me?"

Lewis Howes 26:27 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 26:27 "What's gonna make me happy? And what, what is it that if it's not involved in this relationship is not going to allow me to show up 100%?" So basically, if, and I'm just using this as a random example, if you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you, and you say, "All right, if she's not cooking," that's gonna make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up 100% for this relationship, then you should not sacrifice-

Lewis Howes 26:54 Wow

Stephan Speaks 26:54 ... a woman who can cook. Plain and simple. Whatever it is. If it's for a woman, you know, communication or going out often, certain lifestyles.

Lewis Howes 27:03 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 27:03 All these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just, they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now.

Lewis Howes 27:12 And I think, you know, I'll, I speak for myself too, but I think I know a lot of people lean too much on the sexual chemistry, right? Whether it be the, the, the desire, the feeling they have between each other, or the actual act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine. You're just like, "This feels so good to be with this person," that they don't wanna rock the boat and ask those questions.

Stephan Speaks 27:35 Yeah, and-

Lewis Howes 27:35 Or communicate.

Stephan Speaks 27:36 And here's what's crazy about that. For women, I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men, the sex wasn't that great.

Lewis Howes 27:45 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 27:47 It was nothing special. But she likes him so much that she pushes past that.

Lewis Howes 27:53 Really?

Stephan Speaks 27:53 Yes. Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 27:55 How, how important is great sex for a relationship to last?

Stephan Speaks 27:59 In my opinion, it's extremely important. So consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin.

Lewis Howes 28:04 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 28:04 The oxytocin is released through orgasm, all right? So if you're not having sex that takes you to orgasm, you're not getting, at least from my knowledge-

Lewis Howes 28:13 Right

Stephan Speaks 28:13 ... maybe I'm wrong, but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there. I also believe, like, I, I view oxytocin as, like, a God mechanism. Meaning, it was put there to help two people stay bonded together.

Lewis Howes 28:27 And married. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 28:27 Yes. So if we are married or whatever, and we're having great sex consistently, we're gonna be much more bonded to each other. If we're not having great sex-

Lewis Howes 28:37 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 28:37 ... we don't have that bond anymore.

Lewis Howes 28:39 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 28:39 You see what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 28:40 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 28:40 Now, it's so much easier for things to get in between. So I think that it's extremely important, but I will say that great is subjective. And, you know, what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary, but they have to have their needs satisfied-

Lewis Howes 28:58 Mm

Stephan Speaks 28:58 ... or else you're asking for trouble.

Lewis Howes 29:01 So this, this, uh, conversation about needs-

Stephan Speaks 29:04 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 29:04 ... needs to happen-

Stephan Speaks 29:06 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 29:06 ... before you get committed, right?

Stephan Speaks 29:07 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 29:07 Needs, response, uh, roles, and how, how you're gonna play, how I'm gonna play a role in this, how you're gonna play a role in this. What would that conversation look like? You know, people have been together, dating for a couple of months. They're thinking about getting connected. Should they say, "Hey, here are the three things I want to talk about." You know, Stephan Speaks said-

Stephan Speaks 29:26 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 29:27 ... "We gotta have these three conversations. One's about needs, one's about roles." What was the third thing?

Stephan Speaks 29:31 What did we say? I, I don't think we even mentioned the third one yet.

Lewis Howes 29:33 I don't think we got to it yet. Yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 29:34 We didn't get to the third one yet.

Lewis Howes 29:34 What would be the, the third one, the third conversation to have? Or, or-

Stephan Speaks 29:38 The third conversation to have, oh, man, I, I just think it's... It's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue.

Lewis Howes 29:50 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 29:50 I think we lack having a structure of, of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved, we understand how we go about this. You know, when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the fly, you're, you're now at the mercy of your emotions and where that may take you in that moment. So by having something that we agreed upon-

Lewis Howes 30:11 Yes

Stephan Speaks 30:11 ... okay, we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own corners, then we come back and we discuss this. Or we write a letter. Or, you know, some people have the rule we don't go to sleep mad at each other. Having those structures in place, because the communication, without healthy communication, the relationship's not gonna last and it's not gonna be successful. So it's important to have something laid out so we know how to go about this.

Lewis Howes 30:34 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 30:34 You know, I'm a huge fan in writing letters, even when it comes to discussing deep issues. So maybe implementing that in the process. But- Once we can agree to a structure and agree to we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things, as well as adding constructive criticism. So I think I mentioned this to you before, like I believe in relationship checkups. So that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months, whatever it is, maybe once a month, where we have a time where we sit down and we go over, all right, w- w- anything, every, what's good here? What needs to be improved? What aren't you happy with? Let's consistently constructively criticize so we are aware. Because what happens in so many relationships is that, let's say you're not happy about something, but you guys never make time to talk about it, so now it lingers. And in that lingering, now you're catching an attitude. Now they're mad at you, but they don't understand that it, at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed.

Lewis Howes 31:32 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 31:32 So now they feel like you're being stupid or you're acting crazy or whatever. N- now that turns into a lack of intimacy because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally, she's not gonna be sexually receptive to her man.

Lewis Howes 31:43 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 31:43 Now that turns into more resentment for... And you see, it just dominoes, and it just gets worse and worse. So we have to establish communication structure-

Lewis Howes 31:51 I-

Stephan Speaks 31:51 ... early as possible

Lewis Howes 31:51 ... I love that. You know, something that, uh, Martha and myself started to do, before we got into a commitment I said, "Listen, the only way, you know, this works for me, one of my needs is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience."

Stephan Speaks 32:08 Mm.

Lewis Howes 32:08 "Doesn't have to be a therapist. It doesn't ma- you know. Whatever we wanna do, we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months and talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want-"

Stephan Speaks 32:20 Yeah

Lewis Howes 32:20 ... "in the relationship." 'Cause that's something that I, I always wanted but never created.

Stephan Speaks 32:24 Mm.

Lewis Howes 32:26 And I said, "Listen, this is the only way this will work for me, is creating that, making sure that need is met."

Stephan Speaks 32:31 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 32:31 She was like, "I'm down." And what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable.

Stephan Speaks 32:41 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:42 Right? And one of the, our, the agreements was like, "Listen, I'm never gonna yell or raise my voice, but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing."

Stephan Speaks 32:51 Mm.

Lewis Howes 32:51 "Like, if you scream and you yell because you can't manage your emotions, that doesn't work for me."

Stephan Speaks 32:56 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:56 "And if you wanna yell at another person, then cool, but that's not gonna be me."

Stephan Speaks 32:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:00 And so we created that agreement, right?

Stephan Speaks 33:02 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 33:02 And there hasn't been yell- there's been uncomfortable conversations-

Stephan Speaks 33:05 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 33:05 ... but we have agreements on how to communicate with each other so it doesn't escalate.

Stephan Speaks 33:10 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 33:11 And it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement.

Stephan Speaks 33:18 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 33:19 You know? As opposed to, "No, I never said that."

Stephan Speaks 33:20 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 33:21 'Cause people do it all the time.

Stephan Speaks 33:22 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:23 You create something, you talk about it when you're all loving and kind, but then a year later you're like, "I never said I'd do these things."

Stephan Speaks 33:28 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 33:28 Right? And so I think it's re- for me, it's been really helpful to just over-communicate in some ways and be like, "These are what I need. This is what I want, and are you in alignment with this?"

Stephan Speaks 33:39 Yes.

Lewis Howes 33:39 That's been really powerful.

Lewis Howes 33:41 So this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been, um, you know, people have been confused about lately.

Stephan Speaks 33:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:50 Right?

Stephan Speaks 33:50 Oh, yeah. Definitely.

Lewis Howes 33:51 Why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy?

Stephan Speaks 33:58 So it's... [sighs] I'm trying to find the right way to say this, but I'm just gonna say it. Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing, uh, a lack of balance between men and women. And don't get me wrong, I mean, I, I'm all for equality in certain areas, right? But I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people. We are wired differently. If we would come into understanding of our differences, we can create more harmony.

Lewis Howes 34:27 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 34:27 We don't need to be like each other. So here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot. Going back to the sex. So you'll have this push where people are saying, "Well, women are just like men when it comes to sex." I even one time many years ago, I won't say the name of the company, but I was brought to a dating app company, and it was me and a few other people, and they had this presentation. And they had this scientist that said there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men. And I disputed it.

Lewis Howes 34:55 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 34:55 I was like, "No."

Lewis Howes 34:56 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 34:57 I said, "I think what that study's not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy with sex." Women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women, they feel like it, they, they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex to get it. All right? So just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it trying to escalate to sex, that's hard for a lot of women. They don't experience that. You, you talk to a lot of married women, they'll say, "The only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex."

Lewis Howes 35:25 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 35:26 So going back to this pushing that men and women are the same, so look at it like this. If you're telling men that women are just like us, that wo- that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay.

Lewis Howes 35:39 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 35:39 There's no need for connection outside the bedroom. There's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally, because we don't need that. [laughs] All right? When we're ready to go, we're ready to go. It could be World War III outside.

Lewis Howes 35:51 Right. Right. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 35:51 We're still ready to go. But that woman, if she is consumed mentally, that's gonna hinder her ability to show up sexually.

Lewis Howes 35:59 If she's stressed out.

Stephan Speaks 36:00 If she's stressed out, if there's too much going on, if she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship, again, the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom. She needs a little bit more as far as foreplay. A- and again, is this every last woman? No, but typically this is the case. So by fighting for equality, you're, uh, limiting people's ability to have sexual harmony. All right?

Lewis Howes 36:24 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 36:25 But if we accept it, okay, these are the differences, this is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment, well, things... Everybody wins.

Lewis Howes 36:34 What does a-

Stephan Speaks 36:34 Everybody wins

Lewis Howes 36:34 ... what does a man need to do to create a more sexually receptive environment?

Stephan Speaks 36:38 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 36:39 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 36:39 So I, I think the, the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom.

Lewis Howes 36:43 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 36:44 Again, so here's- As we said earlier, women want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. If you can-

Lewis Howes 36:51 But if they go after the safe guy, they won't-

Stephan Speaks 36:54 Remember, now, yeah, there's a difference.

Lewis Howes 36:55 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 36:55 They go after the safe guy, that's just a guy who they don't have to be too vulnerable with.

Lewis Howes 36:58 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 36:59 But we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love, all of her heart, but she can rest a little easy that you, it's in good hands. All right? That you have good intentions. That you're not judging her. That's, that's one of the big things. You wanna let a woman feel more sexually receptive, you can't make her feel judged. You know what I'm saying? The minute she feels like you're judging her or you're gonna look at her some kind of way, you make it harder for her to open up to you in that area.

Lewis Howes 37:24 What about when a woman judges the man or makes him wrong or he's not enough?

Stephan Speaks 37:28 I, I think, well, I, I say this, I think it, it will com- it will hurt him in his ability to show up emotionally for her. It doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually. Can it? Yes, but not as common as it will for a woman. All right? Most men, even though they're feeling some kind of way, they're gonna still show up into the bedroom.

Lewis Howes 37:47 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 37:47 No problems. But opening up emotionally becomes harder. So that's why a lot of men struggle speaking to their woman a- and letting her in, uh, into his life even deeper because of the fear of, "She won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling."

Lewis Howes 38:00 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 38:00 "She'll look at me different." So that's... And again, it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship. So I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women, the balance of the masculine and feminine, and why that is so important to the success of a relationship.

Lewis Howes 38:22 How do people start to buy into that again and believe in that and start to shift the way... 'Cause it's like telling people to completely shift who they are, how they've been acting.

Stephan Speaks 38:33 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 38:34 In order to buy into that, believe it, and not get hurt by stepping into that.

Stephan Speaks 38:38 Yes. I think step one is asking yourself what kind of life do you wanna live.

Lewis Howes 38:44 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 38:44 Because a lot of people's struggle with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live, what should be acceptable. So for example, if you're a woman and you wanna walk in your feminine... And let's just say not even just walk in your feminine. Let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family, being at home, doing these things. But society's telling you, "You can't do that. That's weak. You, you can't rely on a man," all these things. Well, it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be, and now she's at conflict with herself. And how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself?

Lewis Howes 39:22 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 39:23 It's the same thing for a man. If you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household, but you're letting society tell you, "No, 50/50," and all these things, well, you, you can't do that. Like, at that point, you're compromising what you really want, who you really are, and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve. So each individual has to sit and ask themselves, "Okay, what kind of life do I really wanna live, and what kind of life would I want to live if there was no fear of getting hurt?"

Lewis Howes 39:55 Ooh, or fear of judgment.

Stephan Speaks 39:57 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 39:57 Or, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 39:58 Because now if, if the, if... 'Cause I, I'll tell you this. If, if most women... Like, the topic of s- being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women. [laughs] A lot of women don't like that word. But I always argue that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say, "Listen, if an angel can come from the sky and say, 'I will give you the most amazing man. He will tap into all you need. He will make sure you are protected, never cheat on you. All you need to do is be submissive to him.'" 90% of the women will sign up right away.

Lewis Howes 40:27 What do, and what does submissive mean?

Stephan Speaks 40:29 Submissive meaning in allowing him to lead in the relationship. Uh, well, let me say this, because I think when people hear submission, they do think of-

Lewis Howes 40:37 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 40:37 ... dictatorship.

Lewis Howes 40:38 Right.

Stephan Speaks 40:38 They think of doing as he says. They're thinking of this power struggle.

Lewis Howes 40:42 His way or the highway. Yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 40:43 Yes. Submission in my eyes when it comes to relationship is, one, allowing that man to love you.

Lewis Howes 40:50 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 40:50 What I mean by that is this. When a man is truly in love with a woman, he wants to do for her, he wants to provide for her, he wants to make sure she's good. If you don't submit to that, you're gonna be in-

Lewis Howes 41:02 Right

Stephan Speaks 41:02 ... this energy that's, "I got it. I can take care of it." It's not letting him love you. And in not letting him love you, you're carrying this unnecessary burden that's wearing you down.

Lewis Howes 41:12 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 41:12 So even when I speak to men being leaders in the relationship, it isn't to say that women are incapable of doing things. It isn't to say that she, you know, she's bad at whatever. It means, listen, you letting him take that burden off your back makes everybody win.

Lewis Howes 41:29 Right.

Stephan Speaks 41:29 Because now you can thrive in your element, he can thrive in his. We feel good about taking on that challenge-

Lewis Howes 41:36 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 41:36 ... and providing and doing for our woman. I've never heard a man complain about having to lead in the relationship as long as he feels loved and respected.

Lewis Howes 41:44 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 41:45 If he feels am- appreciated-

Lewis Howes 41:46 If he, if, if he doesn't feel loved or appreciated or respected, then it's exhausting.

Stephan Speaks 41:50 Yes, exactly. That's the only time.

Lewis Howes 41:52 If she's complaining that you're not doing enough and you feel like, "Man, all, I'm carrying this whole relationship. I'm doing all the work. I'm paying for everything. I'm doing all the chore, and you still don't respect me."

Stephan Speaks 42:02 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 42:02 Then it's exhausting.

Stephan Speaks 42:03 Exactly. On the flip side, though, there are tons of women who at a certain point, they don't wanna have to be the leader of the relationship.

Lewis Howes 42:11 Why do so many women take-

Stephan Speaks 42:12 It's wearing them down

Lewis Howes 42:12 ... why do so many women take it on where they are the, they tend to make more money, and maybe the guy isn't working as consistently, or they have a part-time job, or they're a little lazier, let's say.

Stephan Speaks 42:25 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 42:25 And why do certain women get into a relationship like that where the man isn't providing necessarily for himself or for the relationship, and then stay with men like that?

Stephan Speaks 42:37 As we, it's like we talked about earlier. It's leverage. It's control.

Lewis Howes 42:41 Your control.

Stephan Speaks 42:41 It's power. You know, it's, "He has to value me."

Lewis Howes 42:44 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 42:44 Um, it's also, listen, if, if she's having a hard time dating men of a higher stature, well, it just becomes easier to date that guy.

Lewis Howes 42:51 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 42:51 Not to mention, in her defense- That woman, if she's not ex- if she's walking more in a masculine energy, she's going to attract men who don't have much going on for themselves.

Lewis Howes 43:02 Why is that?

Stephan Speaks 43:03 Because, again, we attract that balance. It's a natural thing. You're not gonna see a feminine woman being drawn to a very feminine man. It doesn't happen like that.

Lewis Howes 43:14 Doesn't happen.

Stephan Speaks 43:14 And that's the same way you won't see a very masculine man be drawn to a masculine woman. He may wanna have sex with her, he may wanna enjoy some things with her.

Lewis Howes 43:22 He's not gonna wanna live life with her.

Stephan Speaks 43:24 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 43:24 That's interesting.

Stephan Speaks 43:25 'Cause it, those energies conflict. We need balance. So, what happens is that woman that's giving off more masculine, she attracts that man who... He needs her. He needs her to stabilize his life. He needs her for the resources. He will tolerate that energy because he does not possess it within himself.

Lewis Howes 43:43 Or he doesn't wanna go out there and work hard or whatever. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 43:45 Exactly. So, it's easier for him. And so, yes, she's getting more of those guys coming her way than the established man. And, and, a- again, in her defense, after a while it, you know, you start to say, "Well, maybe I should give one of these guys a chance."

Lewis Howes 44:01 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 44:01 "Maybe I should try this out. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad."

Lewis Howes 44:03 The nice guys. The good guys, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 44:04 Yeah. And you know what? Some of them are not even good guys. They're just guys who are willing at that time to put in more effort. So, he- here's the thing, like, I was speaking to Jay, Jay Shetty, and he was saying when he first got with his wife, he didn't have a job, so he was able to spend every day with her.

Lewis Howes 44:20 Right. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 44:20 Right? And she kind of got accustomed to this. And I bring his example to say a lot of times that guy who, who doesn't have anything going on for himself right now is more available to chase, to pour into, to do whatever she needs.

Lewis Howes 44:35 Spend quality time with her. Yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 44:36 Yes. So, that also allows the woman to fall into the trap of being with this guy even though he's not really a great guy for her.

Lewis Howes 44:45 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 44:45 Because he's not doing things to provide for her and make sure she's good.

Lewis Howes 44:49 But he's keeping her attention.

Stephan Speaks 44:50 Yes. He is feeding her the attention that she desires and in return taking her resources. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 44:58 So-

Stephan Speaks 44:58 I mean, in a lot of cases

Lewis Howes 44:59 ... yeah, of course.

Stephan Speaks 44:59 In a lot of cases.

Lewis Howes 45:01 So, with this 50/50 thing, why do you think this is such a big topic, let's say in the last probably 10, 15 years, where it seems like it's 50/50 in the relationship?

Stephan Speaks 45:12 Mm.

Lewis Howes 45:13 50/50 spending, 50/50 taking care of all responsibilities, 50/50 taking care of the kids. When the woman needs to get up and nurse, the, the, you know, the husband needs to get up and, and be emotional support during that time.

Stephan Speaks 45:26 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 45:26 You know, share the time taking the kids to school, changing diapers, whatever it is-

Stephan Speaks 45:31 Yeah

Lewis Howes 45:31 ... that, that society is saying. Um, why is this 50/50 thing been so prominent, and why does it not work?

Stephan Speaks 45:40 Well-

Lewis Howes 45:40 For both men and women.

Stephan Speaks 45:42 All right. So as far as why it has risen to prominence is, again, I think it's this fight for equality. We were fighting so hard, and we're losing sight of the bigger picture of balance. Balance is what we need for success, not equality in the relationship. And I would argue that equality in a relationship does not actually exist. Because if you were to examine 50/50 relationships, what you will find is over time it's going to shift to one person doing more than the other. And I would argue 90% of the time it's the woman doing more than the guy. Because think about this, the mindset of the man who wants to do 50/50 is, is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her. His willingness to even accept 50/50, he's gonna be reluctant to do that. It's kind of like going on a date with a guy and one guy is down to pay Dutch, and the other guy is like, "Don't, don't take your card out. I got this." They already have a very different mindset. So, that guy who's open to 50/50 from the jump, the chance that he's gonna change later on and wanna take on more is not likely. He's gonna get comfortable in that 50/50 or do even less. Also, consider this. Even when we say 50/50 on the bills, 50/50 on the bills in my opinion would be 20% of your income, 20% of their income. That's not what a lot of people do. The mortgage is, let's say, 1,500, and we split it 750, 750. But the guy, let's just say, makes $80,000, the woman makes $40,000.

Lewis Howes 47:12 Right.

Stephan Speaks 47:12 That's not equal.

Lewis Howes 47:13 Right.

Stephan Speaks 47:13 Do you see what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 47:14 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 47:14 She, she's making a much bigger sacrifice than he is.

Lewis Howes 47:16 Right.

Stephan Speaks 47:17 So, th- that alone eliminates this idea that it's 50/50. That-

Lewis Howes 47:21 What about the whole raising the kids thing of like you gotta, you know.

Stephan Speaks 47:24 Exactly. Raising the kids. Now, of course, are there scenarios where sometimes it's the man who ends up doing more? Absolutely. But in most cases, the woman naturally gravitates to being the one who handles the kids more.

Lewis Howes 47:37 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 47:37 That's what you're gonna find. So, again, you're gonna start to see it b- get skewed in certain areas to where you're not maintaining this 50/50. But then if we go deeper into why this doesn't work. So, one, it doesn't work because it doesn't, it's not really sustainable in the vast majority of cases. I'm not saying no one's ever pulled it off. But in majority of cases it doesn't work. Number two, you know, there was a study that shows, uh, I believe it was a study, that said egalitarian relationships are like the most sexless marriages or the most sexless relationships.

Lewis Howes 48:09 Egalitarian meaning, like-

Stephan Speaks 48:11 Equal

Lewis Howes 48:11 ... 50/50.

Stephan Speaks 48:12 50/50 equal. You know what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 48:13 Are the most sexless.

Stephan Speaks 48:14 Yes.

Lewis Howes 48:14 Why is that?

Stephan Speaks 48:15 Because j- basically you're neutralizing the masculine and feminine polarity.

Lewis Howes 48:18 The polarity of it.

Stephan Speaks 48:19 Exactly. It's now just neutral.

Lewis Howes 48:21 Flat.

Stephan Speaks 48:22 It's... Yeah, it's flat. It's not... There's no excitement there. There's nothing there. It kind of reminds me of this guy. I, I don't wanna put him on the... I don't know his name, so I guess I could say it. There was this guy on Twitter, I think it was like late last year, and he posts that he, how his wife just came home from like a 16-hour shift or something crazy like that, and here she is shoveling the snow in the, in the driveway and how he's so proud of her. "Let me get her coffee ready." And the commenters ate him up. Like [laughs] they went in. But, you know, in his mind it's, "We're equal. We're 50/50. Look at her doing all these things." But in reality, if a woman has to come home to a man that puts her in that position all the time, doesn't step up, she's gonna start to lose attraction. And you're, again, overburdening the woman. What, what a man has to understand, and it's actually mentioned in the book, uh, The Way of the Superior Man.

Lewis Howes 49:16 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 49:17 Where he says, "Don't make your woman your everything." I think what men underestimate is that women are in their head a lot. They're constantly thinking, constantly processing. So if too much is on her plate, she becomes mentally exhausted.

Lewis Howes 49:32 Stressed.

Stephan Speaks 49:32 Mentally worn down.

Lewis Howes 49:33 Overwhelmed.

Stephan Speaks 49:33 Yes. So, when, when the woman says, "I'm too tired for sex," the man thinks, "Well, you weren't doing nothing all day." Her mind was a million different places all day. By the time she got to this moment, she does not have the energy. When the mind goes, the body goes with it.

Lewis Howes 49:49 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 49:50 So, when you put too much in front of her, you are taking her, taking, taking away her ability to thrive in certain areas. So, as the book mentioned, you wanna identify as a man, what do I need most from her? What's gonna be most important for me? Let's now hone in on those things and find someone else to take care of the rest.

Lewis Howes 50:11 What are the things that men need most from women in general?

Stephan Speaks 50:15 What are some of the things?

Lewis Howes 50:15 What are the things that you think men need most from women in general?

Stephan Speaks 50:20 I, I think-

Lewis Howes 50:21 In a relationship.

Stephan Speaks 50:22 Yes. Uh, support.

Lewis Howes 50:23 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 50:24 Support, and let me add to support by saying a belief in that man. You know, I think we need a woman that believes in us, that kind of reveres us, so to speak, has that respect for us, and views us in a great light. Um, because again, as men, we're gonna have moments where we may question ourselves, we may feel down, and if that woman that we're with can't pour into us in that way, in that moment, with a genuine energy of I believe in you, I support you, I love you-

Lewis Howes 50:50 Mm

Stephan Speaks 50:50 ... that's gonna be tough to deal with. All right? I think also sexual satisfaction for most men is extremely important. Um, I think, I think women underestimate how serious of a need sexual satisfaction is.

Lewis Howes 51:05 For a man.

Stephan Speaks 51:06 Yes. And again, it goes back to not understanding we are wired very differently. By, by biology, looking at it from a biological standpoint, we have more testosterone than they do.

Lewis Howes 51:19 Mm-hmm, more sex drive.

Stephan Speaks 51:20 Exactly. We naturally have more libido. Part of the reason why is because, and I, I hope I'm saying this correctly, the DNA's main primary objective is reproduction.

Lewis Howes 51:30 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 51:30 It has to keep us ready all the time. And so because of that, that's why... I'm sure you're familiar with semen retention.

Lewis Howes 51:38 Tell me.

Stephan Speaks 51:38 Okay. So, semen retention is basically the practice of going without any sexual release-

Lewis Howes 51:42 Mm

Stephan Speaks 51:42 ... over a period of time.

Lewis Howes 51:44 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 51:44 And people have reported where, over time, they've developed, like men, they've developed deeper voices, more muscle mass, more confidence, more focus, all these things.

Lewis Howes 51:54 By, by holding onto the, the release.

Stephan Speaks 51:56 Yes, by holding onto that-

Lewis Howes 51:58 By not releasing

Stephan Speaks 51:58 ... life force, so to speak, and not releasing it in any way, shape, or form.

Lewis Howes 52:01 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 52:02 What is happening, I've, from, based on my research, what is happening is the body's saying, "Oh, you're not reproducing."

Lewis Howes 52:09 We don't need to keep-

Stephan Speaks 52:09 "You're not mating with anybody. I need to make you more desirable."

Lewis Howes 52:13 Really?

Stephan Speaks 52:13 Yes, "Because I need you to go do something."

Lewis Howes 52:16 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 52:16 "So, that's why I'm gonna raise your testosterone. I'm gonna deepen your voice. I'm gonna let that massive energy pop out. You're gonna get more confident. You're gonna be more comfortable around women." This is what happens. So, that's why men who kinda bury themselves in constant sexual release through their own means, they don't understand they're robbing themselves. Now, some people don't believe in it. I'm a huge believer in it. I believe it's absolutely real, and it's extremely beneficial. But back to the point of men and women being so different, it, again, we, we... A- and it doesn't mean that there aren't women who need sexual satisfaction as well, and there are women who may be just as sexual as a man, but in general, on average-

Lewis Howes 52:57 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 52:58 ... a man needs it way more. Biologically speaking, he needs it way more.

Lewis Howes 53:02 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 53:02 So, to neglect him of that, it causes a lot of freaking problems.

Lewis Howes 53:06 What happens if a man doesn't have the sexual release and experience and expression in an intimate, committed relationship long term?

Stephan Speaks 53:16 Well, I think it, it, another thing that it, it can do to you is raise aggression. Because again, with, uh, with the increase of testosterone, aggression also increases. So, there was a woman on TikTok who mentioned that we need more monogamy because as monogamy decreases and less men have a partner that they can mate with and, and be, you know, be sexually engaged with, you'll start to see a rise in rape, you start to see a rise in sexual abuse, you start to see a rise in crime. There's all these negative things that start to happen because you have a group of men who aren't getting any action, who start to get frustrated, and it starts to pour over into negative ways.

Lewis Howes 53:58 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 53:58 Now, granted, I don't think we can solve every man getting it or not.

Lewis Howes 54:02 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 54:02 But it just speaks to what's happening-

Lewis Howes 54:04 Mm

Stephan Speaks 54:04 ... within a man when he goes without for so long, unless he learns... I, I will say this, because it is possible to also ch- I believe, to channel that energy into other ways.

Lewis Howes 54:13 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 54:14 So, as I mentioned in, uh-

Lewis Howes 54:15 Way of the Superior Man, he talks about this

Stephan Speaks 54:17 ... yes, and Think and Grow Rich talks about it, se- uh-

Lewis Howes 54:19 Yes, sexual transmutation

Stephan Speaks 54:20 ... sexual transmutation.

Lewis Howes 54:20 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 54:20 Yes. So, I do believe. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:23 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 54:23 We know about it. So, I do believe. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:26 I mean, the fight of all men-

Stephan Speaks 54:27 Yes

Lewis Howes 54:27 ... have to deal with, like, managing this energy.

Stephan Speaks 54:30 Exactly. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 54:32 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 54:32 And so now what happens is if you are, if you are not an ambitious man or you're not a man that has created avenues for you to release that energy into something more productive, well, it's getting trapped, and now that causes a problem. You see what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 54:47 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 54:47 So, you've gotta find a way to release it somehow, but I think over time, like, we can only sexually transmute so much. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:55 [laughs] Gotta release at some point.

Stephan Speaks 54:56 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:57 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 54:57 So, that shit's really hard. But again, there's some men who have conquered it better than others. So, I'm not gonna act like men can't do it. It's just not that easy.

Lewis Howes 55:05 What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha, masculine man, healthy, conscious, masculine man- To eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed, intimate long-term relationship from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and, and dream about what that could be like-

Stephan Speaks 55:32 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 55:33 ... and be tempted to say, "I need more partners."

Stephan Speaks 55:37 Okay.

Lewis Howes 55:37 You know, what is the, you know, what is the best way for men who might feel like, "Gosh, I just, it's hard for me to hone this in-

Stephan Speaks 55:45 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 55:45 ... and stay fully, like, present with my woman and think about can I be with this person for 50 years and only be with one person?" What is the best solution for those men who might be... Maybe women are so attracted to them because they are a desirable man.

Stephan Speaks 56:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 56:00 They have a great partner, a great life, great relationship, that women are just trying to come in and steal them.

Stephan Speaks 56:06 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 56:06 How does a man stay fully present in their relationship, fully integrous, fully committed for the long-term vision while being present now?

Stephan Speaks 56:18 You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle.

Lewis Howes 56:21 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 56:22 So if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place, you can't be on Instagram.

Lewis Howes 56:26 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 56:27 Now, I know that's easier said than done, depending on a person's profession and all these different things. But literally, you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path. Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching, depending on what you're watching. And I know it, it's tough because you get to a point where it's like, "Well, I, I gotta cut off everything almost." But yeah, yeah, the, the more you can remove these outside influences, the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time there was a guy, uh, his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if sh- they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant.

Lewis Howes 57:05 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 57:05 She put on some weight. He found himself less attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help. They suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped. For three weeks he looked at pretty much no other woman, unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks he found himself more attracted to his partner.

Lewis Howes 57:24 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 57:25 Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean sh- he still didn't want her to lose weight, because-

Lewis Howes 57:29 Right

Stephan Speaks 57:30 ... sustaining that, it was still gonna have to make some adjustments. But it did help.

Lewis Howes 57:34 Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 57:35 Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question, "Okay, what's going on here?" Like, "I don't like this."

Lewis Howes 57:45 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 57:45 Or, you know, "Dang, I could have this too." Or, you know-

Lewis Howes 57:47 Wonder what that would be like.

Stephan Speaks 57:48 Exactly. So it's just we've gotta know our weaknesses, our, and where we fall short, and just cut it off at the root as best as possible.

Lewis Howes 57:56 I think it goes back to also communicating your, your needs, um, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship, and making sure your needs are met as a man.

Stephan Speaks 58:05 Yes.

Lewis Howes 58:06 If your needs are not met, and you, and-

Stephan Speaks 58:08 It opens the door

Lewis Howes 58:09 ... it op- you're like, "Oh, okay. I w- if not, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like or this would be like."

Stephan Speaks 58:15 Yes.

Lewis Howes 58:15 That's why I think it's really important to have these real honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are.

Stephan Speaks 58:21 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 58:21 Maybe there's a man that's like, "I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy."

Stephan Speaks 58:25 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:26 For me, that doesn't work.

Stephan Speaks 58:27 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 58:28 Right? And, you know, maybe in 20 years it changes. I don't know.

Stephan Speaks 58:30 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 58:30 But it's like you gotta be realistic and say... You know, I've had conversations with Mars where I'm just like, "This is what I'm gonna need."

Stephan Speaks 58:38 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:38 "This is what I'm gonna need. And are you able to, to provide this?"

Stephan Speaks 58:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 58:43 "If not, I don't wanna push you on something that you don't wanna do."

Stephan Speaks 58:47 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 58:47 You know? And same for you. What are your needs, and can I provide those for you?

Stephan Speaks 58:51 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 58:51 And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together, if it doesn't naturally align.

Stephan Speaks 58:58 Yes.

Lewis Howes 58:58 Right? We should be naturally aligning, not you have to change three things about you in order to please me, and I have to change everything to please you.

Stephan Speaks 59:05 Mm-mm.

Lewis Howes 59:05 I don't think that's a right match.

Stephan Speaks 59:06 No, it's not.

Lewis Howes 59:07 There might be sexual attraction. There might... You maybe have fun. You could be friends, whatever. But I'm talking healthy long-term commitment-

Stephan Speaks 59:14 Yeah

Lewis Howes 59:15 ... with the least amount of pain. You know what I mean?

Stephan Speaks 59:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 59:19 It's like a f- there's going to be challenge, there's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life.

Stephan Speaks 59:25 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 59:26 But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach.

Stephan Speaks 59:31 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 59:32 And talking about needs is key upfront. So I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option.

Stephan Speaks 59:42 Yes. And I do-

Lewis Howes 59:43 Or, or else

Stephan Speaks 59:44 ... agree with you 100%, as the next thing would be making sure we lay out those needs and desires, and make sure they're being met on both sides. 'Cause I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not gonna do the same for them. But I do think that there's a lot of men who, they don't take it as far as they need to as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this woman to be happy.

Lewis Howes 1:00:07 Even the weird, crazy-

Stephan Speaks 1:00:08 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:00:08 ... sexual, like, nuances.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:10 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:00:10 Like, you gotta go there.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:11 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:00:12 Even if it's uncomfortable or you feel like, man, this is, they're gonna judge me or they're gonna think this is weird.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:16 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:00:17 But if you don't get that, you're gonna resent it in a year, two years, six months.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:21 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:00:21 Right?

Stephan Speaks 1:00:22 And-

Lewis Howes 1:00:22 And you'll be thinking about, "Where can I get this met?"

Stephan Speaks 1:00:24 A- and that's the, and that's the key. If you can honestly say, "If I don't get this, I'm good." Like, "I, I would like this, but it's not a big deal to me. I can go without it."

Lewis Howes 1:00:33 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:33 Cool. But if you know going without this is gonna disturb you and be a huge struggle for you, yeah, you're, you're asking for problems.

Lewis Howes 1:00:43 Why do you think it's so hard-

Stephan Speaks 1:00:44 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:00:44 ... for men to only be with one women, or one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, "Can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life?" And they're like-

Stephan Speaks 1:00:55 [clears throat]

Lewis Howes 1:00:55 ... "Well, if I could just have, like, a threesome once a year," [laughs] "like, it would all be..."

Stephan Speaks 1:00:58 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:00:59 You know, you hear these conversations, but why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner-

Stephan Speaks 1:01:09 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:01:10 ... for decades, what is it they're doing differently? Or how have they shifted that thinking that they need more women?

Stephan Speaks 1:01:17 So here's my current theories and beliefs-

Lewis Howes 1:01:20 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:01:21 ... that I'm not gonna lie to you, I still struggle with in some points. Not because I don't believe what I'm about to say, but because if true, it's, it's a hard pill to swallow. So [clears throat] I'm of belief that- The majority of men can actually be happy with one woman, no problem. I view it in the same way I view business. All right? There's the bosses and the workers. And, and neither label is a negative to either side. Okay? It's just a reality that there are men who, they don't need a bunch. They don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary, they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met, they're good. They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says, "Go out and do more."

Lewis Howes 1:02:05 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:05 That kind of guy can have his one woman. Again, key his needs are being met.

Lewis Howes 1:02:11 In the relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:11 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:02:12 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:12 In the relationship. I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life, no problem.

Lewis Howes 1:02:17 Live a happy, fulfilled life.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:18 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:02:19 All right.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:20 And, and understand because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there-

Lewis Howes 1:02:26 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:02:26 ... trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:02:29 It's a lot of work.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:29 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:02:30 A lot of effort.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:30 Yes. It takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy and have their needs met, and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men, which we could argue are the more desirable men of society, who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere, if, if I'm s- correct, people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses, high sexual energy.

Lewis Howes 1:02:59 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:59 There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these, these very unique individuals that do big things in life, and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to, to accomplish what they accomplished. Where these types of men, there's a greater struggle now-

Lewis Howes 1:03:19 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:03:20 ... to just be limited to that one woman. Because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business. You know what I'm saying? They, they just have this mind and this, this desire for more. I got to keep going, I got to keep going. And so I think that guy is the guy that d- and I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal. I don't know. I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious, successful man I know, the vast major- so let me not say every, but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy, period.

Lewis Howes 1:04:00 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:04:00 All right?

Lewis Howes 1:04:01 Do you... Okay, finish what you were saying. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:02 Yeah. So I, so... And, and I will say the, some of the ones who have, like, I feel for me personally, the thing that helps me is my relationship with God.

Lewis Howes 1:04:11 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:12 If I take that away-

Lewis Howes 1:04:14 Oh

Stephan Speaks 1:04:14 ... I'm not gonna lie to you, I, I don't know.

Lewis Howes 1:04:15 You're a dog.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:15 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:04:15 You're a dog.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:16 It's all right.

Lewis Howes 1:04:17 Without God, you're a dog.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:18 [laughs] It's all right. Like, I... And, and, and let me just be clear. Not dog as in I will never be a liar.

Lewis Howes 1:04:25 Right. Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:25 I'll never be playing women, taking advantage of them-

Lewis Howes 1:04:27 Nah

Stephan Speaks 1:04:27 ... none of that.

Lewis Howes 1:04:27 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:27 But would I be all over the place? It's a-

Lewis Howes 1:04:30 Potentially.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:31 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:04:31 DeVon Franklin talks about this in one of his books, uh, about there's a dog in every man.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:36 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:04:36 Right? Again, not like a, a mean dog, but like-

Stephan Speaks 1:04:40 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:04:40 ... a dog that has, like, a desire to go get another bone out there.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:04:43 You know, it's like, just like... And it's learning how to fight the dog within you-

Stephan Speaks 1:04:47 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:04:47 ... that has that desire, right? What happens... Have you ever met a man who's been in a, a marriage, let's say, or a long-term relationship with one person as a constant, but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship works long-term with that one person still? Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:14 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:05:15 Where you still have this really happy, intimate, connected partnership between the man and the w- main partner. Have you met anyone like this that has-

Stephan Speaks 1:05:25 No. Honestly-

Lewis Howes 1:05:26 What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people?

Stephan Speaks 1:05:30 Yeah. So I think, one, we have to make sure we define what work means. So to some people, it's working because they're still together.

Lewis Howes 1:05:39 I mean, happy, healthy.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:41 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:05:41 Like, fulfilled.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:42 That's the key. So for that to be the, the standard of what we call it's working, no. Um, seeing-

Lewis Howes 1:05:48 You haven't seen that.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:49 I haven't seen it. I'm not... You know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that, kind of going back to masculine and feminine, to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said, or if you went to a man and you said, "I will give you this woman. She will give you everything that you need, be, fulfill all your desires, but she cannot say she's in love with you. Will you take it?" There's a majority of men who will take it. Because, hey, I'm getting my needs met.

Lewis Howes 1:06:40 Fulfill other needs.

Stephan Speaks 1:06:40 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:40 Yeah, I'm good.

Stephan Speaks 1:06:41 Who cares, right? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:06:42 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:06:43 If you go to a woman with the same deal, he will fulfill all your needs. He'll be everything that you want, but he cannot say he is in love with you, there's a lot of women who can't take that deal.

Lewis Howes 1:06:53 Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:06:54 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:06:54 Why is that?

Stephan Speaks 1:06:54 Because, again, they need that aspect of love, that energy, that... It's, it's, it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine in the woman craves that love.

Lewis Howes 1:07:07 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:08 We are more in, you, you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you wanna call it, but we just want... As long as we're getting what we need, it's easier for us-

Lewis Howes 1:07:18 And we feel respected.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:18 Yes. We feel respected w- a- and, and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like, "I'm not passing that up."

Lewis Howes 1:07:24 What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect? What else?

Stephan Speaks 1:07:31 So support, respect, and I, I still gotta use sexual satisfaction.

Lewis Howes 1:07:35 Sexual, sexual satisfaction.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:36 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:07:36 Support, sexual satisfaction-

Stephan Speaks 1:07:38 And respect

Lewis Howes 1:07:38 ... and respect are the three- ... things that most men need in a relationship-

Stephan Speaks 1:07:43 Yeah, because-

Lewis Howes 1:07:44 ... for them to feel happy and fulfilled.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:45 Yeah, because if you take away any of those three, it's a problem.

Lewis Howes 1:07:49 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:50 If he doesn't feel respected, it's gonna cause huge problems. He doesn't feel supported, a lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from, um, that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household, and then you have other women coming around who are, you know, feeding his, his head with, "You, I think you're amazing. If you were my man, I would do this," and blah, blah, blah, blah. "I believe in you." And he doesn't get that at home, and that opens the door to it becoming sexual.

Lewis Howes 1:08:21 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:22 Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

Lewis Howes 1:08:29 Yeah. But it's fulfilling some sexual need.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:31 No, not even a sexual need. It fulfilled first the emotional need, and then yes. And it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was.

Lewis Howes 1:08:38 Mm-hmm. Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:39 But yes, it can go... It can either be sexual or emotional, but I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men.

Lewis Howes 1:08:44 An emotional need meaning, like, I'm not getting the respect I want, so that's an emotional feeling.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:49 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:08:49 Or not feeling supported at home, so that's an emotional feeling.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:53 Yes, yes.

Lewis Howes 1:08:53 So, the three things that every man you believe needs, most men need, is respect, support, and sexual-

Stephan Speaks 1:09:01 Satisfaction

Lewis Howes 1:09:01 ... satisfaction.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:02 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:02 What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

Stephan Speaks 1:09:07 I, I want to say love, and I guess when I say the word love, I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy. Being able to pour into her emotionally, mentally. Being able to hold her, caress her. It's everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex, but if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things, it's gonna be a problem.

Lewis Howes 1:09:32 Yes. Love.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:34 So-

Lewis Howes 1:09:34 Yep

Stephan Speaks 1:09:34 ... so I think love. I think security. Again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. Um, I think that's extremely important. And again, you, you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example. I had one client where, um, she was with a guy, and while they were in a relationship she never had an orgasm with him, okay? They get married and it's orgasm city.

Lewis Howes 1:10:00 Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:10:01 Yes. [laughs] It just, it just starts flowing out.

Lewis Howes 1:10:03 Boom.

Stephan Speaks 1:10:03 Okay? Yes, boom.

Lewis Howes 1:10:04 Now, now she feels fully safe or com-

Stephan Speaks 1:10:06 Yes. But then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her. The orgasm stop.

Lewis Howes 1:10:13 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:10:13 And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening, but mentally and emotionally-

Lewis Howes 1:10:21 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:10:21 ... she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him.

Lewis Howes 1:10:31 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:10:32 So, definitely security is the other thing. Um, and I, I think... I'm trying to find the right word, right way to phrase this, but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation. I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now, that could be mental stimulation. That could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship. Just not being boring. Like, women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated. Again, and, and, and, and I don't want men to hear that and think I'm constantly doing... No, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary.

Lewis Howes 1:11:18 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:11:18 Or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place. Because once she gets too bored, that opens the doors to problems as well.

Lewis Howes 1:11:30 Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied, or is it harder for a woman to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied?

Stephan Speaks 1:11:46 So, my honest answer, my initial, what I want to say is it's harder for the man.

Lewis Howes 1:11:51 Because men, it's hard... It's, in general, it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate in an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way. And to think about, how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting, um, when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back?

Stephan Speaks 1:12:16 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:16 It's harder, right?

Stephan Speaks 1:12:17 Yeah. So basically, you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your-

Lewis Howes 1:12:23 Oh, my gosh

Stephan Speaks 1:12:24 ... feminine side, so to speak.

Lewis Howes 1:12:26 As a man.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:26 To... Yeah, as a man, to be able to tap into her needs and desires. Whereas she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us.

Lewis Howes 1:12:34 No.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:34 Other than you could argue maybe when it comes to her approach to sex. If she approached it from a more masculine, like I'm just ready to go, then yeah, um, a lot of guys would be happy with that. But-

Lewis Howes 1:12:44 But she can remain in her feminine-

Stephan Speaks 1:12:46 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:12:46 ... and respect you and support you.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:48 Exactly. And it's-

Lewis Howes 1:12:49 Interesting

Stephan Speaks 1:12:49 ... so it's eas- it will be easier from her, for her from that standpoint.

Lewis Howes 1:12:53 So, it's really like men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:58 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:12:58 And become master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:06 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:13:06 The woman at a high level, the way she needs to receive it.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:09 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:13:10 That means you can't just be the, the big, strong, tough pr- driven provider. You gotta have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be what it sounds like, the ultimate masculine man.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:13:22 Right?

Stephan Speaks 1:13:22 Absolutely. That's definitely... It's all about the balance from within us, and, and we've got to... We gotta get more comfortable with it. We've gotta, we gotta get more educated on how we go about it. You know, 'cause I, I want men to understand that though I, I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things, you don't want to lose sight of your masculine. And so that's why it's, it's still important. Like, I, I call it loving in your masculine. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:13:49 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:50 You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky, but I do believe it's extremely possible once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it. Because consider yourself. Now you're at a point where you have the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out. You remove the fear of, "Well, if, if she doesn't like this, I'm gonna lose her." No. You know what it needs to be. Either you're with it or you're not. So now, that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs.

Lewis Howes 1:14:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:22 You see? We, we slide fully into the feminine when we become this, "Oh my gosh, I have to keep her. I gotta do everything to get her," whatever, whatever. We become emotionally needy. Now, it's like you're trying to do everything she wants, but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes in my opinion.

Lewis Howes 1:14:40 That's why it's so important to have these conversations up front before you enter the relationship so that you're comfortable walking away or losing someone, as opposed to just giving in to try to keep them.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:51 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:14:51 Right?

Stephan Speaks 1:14:52 Never be afraid to lose them more than you're afraid to lose yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:14:55 Oh, dang.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:56 You know what I'm saying? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:14:56 That's good, man. It's so true, though.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:14:58 Why do you think so many people are afraid to lose someone else, and they'll give in at any moment because they don't wanna lose someone?

Stephan Speaks 1:15:05 Well, you can't be afraid to lose yourself when you don't know who you are.

Lewis Howes 1:15:07 Mm. That's true.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:09 You see? You, you know what's in front of you with them, or what you believe is in front of you with them.

Lewis Howes 1:15:12 You see something, you're like, "I want that."

Stephan Speaks 1:15:13 Exactly. But you haven't done the work within yourself to understand that this is not who you are right now, that this is compromising what you need, that this is undermining what's gonna allow you to be happy in the long run. Once you find that place, find that person within you, and you embrace it-

Lewis Howes 1:15:30 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:15:30 ... and you're confident, now you can't be moved from that. And now you're gonna approach situations and relationships completely different. And again, that confidence and understanding of self alone is gonna exude a certain energy that people will respect and make you more desirable in people's eyes.

Lewis Howes 1:15:49 And you'll be able to see what you don't want.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:52 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:15:52 You know, the wounds that someone else is carrying with them, that you're like, "I don't need to go rescue this person. They gotta heal first-

Stephan Speaks 1:15:58 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:15:58 ... before they can enter in my space if I wanna create a conscious, healthy relationship."

Stephan Speaks 1:16:02 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:16:03 Right? Because why do you think so many men or so many women attract, uh, a partner with so many wounds, or that is wounded and needs them to rescue them?

Stephan Speaks 1:16:15 Well, I, I think... I always tell people, you know, some will say you are what you attract, and I dispute it because I feel like you can be the most healthy individual, there's still gonna be unhealthy people or people who still need to heal coming your way.

Lewis Howes 1:16:29 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:30 That's normal. That's life.

Lewis Howes 1:16:31 You're gonna attract everyone.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:32 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:16:32 Yeah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:16:33 'Cause everyone wants to be a part of your light. The key is who you entertain. So, if you keep entertaining these people-

Lewis Howes 1:16:40 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:16:40 ... who need healing, who have these issues, then that speaks to issues within you that have not been resolved.

Lewis Howes 1:16:47 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:47 And those things are feeding your need to either, again, feel like, "Well, if I can fix them, I have more value here. I have more control here." All the things we talked about earlier on in the conversation. That's what's playing out when you feel like you wanna hold onto this individual. Or again, you don't know yourself enough to understand that this, what you're doing right now, you can't even sustain it, and you will not be happy with this relationship even- Like, people don't realize if they got this person they wanted so bad, they're gonna be more miserable after the fact.

Lewis Howes 1:17:18 Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:17:18 Yes. Because again, they're so blinded in the moment of, "I want them, I want them, I want them." They're not even considering, "What I have to do to even get them back?"

Lewis Howes 1:17:28 Oh my gosh. I know.

Stephan Speaks 1:17:29 "And what I'm gonna have to do to keep them happy?" As well as you're probably setting the stage where they're gonna get to say, "Oh, well, you have to work to have me. I don't have to work to have you." 'Cause you're starting off unbalanced. So why would they all of a sudden say, "Okay, well let me switch it off, and now let me do more for you than you were doing for me." No. Part of the reason they even got with you is because you were com- overcompensating for what they weren't giving you.

Lewis Howes 1:17:54 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:17:55 So, you're, you're gonna end up miserable anyway.

Lewis Howes 1:17:59 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:00 But if you healed and you did your own work, you would not go f- that far down the path.

Lewis Howes 1:18:05 So, it goes back to want- creating balance in a relationship, not equality.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:10 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:18:11 Right?

Stephan Speaks 1:18:11 Yes. And, and I want people to understand, when I say not equality, again, I think that the man and the woman have equal value to the success of the relationship. I can't do this without you. You can't do this without me.

Lewis Howes 1:18:23 But we have different roles.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:23 We have different roles.

Lewis Howes 1:18:24 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:25 Look at it like on a basketball team.

Lewis Howes 1:18:27 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:27 Think about the Bulls when it was Rodman, Pippen, and Jordan. Rodman can't do what Jordan and Pippen can do.

Lewis Howes 1:18:34 No.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:35 You could argue that he is not, quote-unquote, "as equal in value to them," right? But they cannot win the championship without him. He is the missing piece to the puzzle.

Lewis Howes 1:18:46 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:46 So to me, I don't like this idea of finding your equal. No, find your missing piece.

Lewis Howes 1:18:52 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:52 Who completes your puzzle? Who complements you? They don't have to bring the exact things you bring to the table.

Lewis Howes 1:18:58 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:58 They don't have to have, quote-unquote, "equal value." No. They just have to be the complement that when you guys come together, you make a whole unit that's unstoppable.

Lewis Howes 1:19:07 Mm-hmm. What happens when, uh, two healthy, conscious, whole people come together and they're a, a powerful match for one another?

Stephan Speaks 1:19:16 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:19:18 What happens for those individuals in life?

Stephan Speaks 1:19:21 I just think everything gets better from there. Like, now you just have a place of peace, a place of understanding. You, you have a place where you can get re-energized and, and take on life a lot more. I think you can accomplish more. I just think that two people coming together at that magnitude, it magnifies everything in both of them, all the good in both of them.

Lewis Howes 1:19:43 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:19:43 And whatever they were doing now, they're gonna be able to do better later.

Lewis Howes 1:19:47 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:19:48 So, it's just... it's a amazing thing when it happens.

Lewis Howes 1:19:50 Have you ever seen a man- Never get in a committed long-term relationship. Uh, live a healthy, uh, live a healthy, happy life long term being with multiple women for the rest of their life.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:05 No. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:20:06 You haven't seen it?

Stephan Speaks 1:20:06 I, I, I haven't seen it. I, you know, I think, I think at some point every man who has lived that life g- says to themselves, "I really don't wanna keep doing this."

Lewis Howes 1:20:18 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:18 "This is too much. It's exhausting being with these different women. It's very unstable. It can be unpredictable."

Lewis Howes 1:20:25 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:25 Um, who knows what drama may come with it. I think that there's a desire to just have one, but for some, what's stopping them isn't a lack of desire, it's the fear of giving themselves fully to one woman.

Lewis Howes 1:20:40 Why are they so afraid?

Stephan Speaks 1:20:41 Well, because they've been hurt before. Most guys-

Lewis Howes 1:20:44 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:20:44 ... who live that life have been hurt before. You'll, you'll see situations where a man could even grow up being a player. Maybe he had uncles, cousins that all said, "Have your fun. Do your thing." And no matter how much he's been programmed and trained to be a player, he will meet a woman at some point that he's r- willing to throw in his player card for. He's like, "Forget it. I only want her." The problem is men are not taught how to handle when they feel that way about a woman. They don't understand how to go about it, so they mishandle the situation. People get hurt.

Lewis Howes 1:21:18 Mm. Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:18 Things go left. And now when everything blows up, he, he's resenting, he's resenting love. He's resenting maybe that woman. He now shuts down, and to him the solution is, "I'm not gonna give my heart to one woman again."

Lewis Howes 1:21:33 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:34 So, multiple women is a coping mechanism for him.

Lewis Howes 1:21:36 'Cause I don't wanna deal with the stress or the feeling trapped or the pain or whatever.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:40 I, I, I don't want to feel the feel... deal with the vulnerability of it.

Lewis Howes 1:21:43 Ah, interesting.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:43 You see what I'm saying? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying there aren't men who... Oh, I'll say this. I think even the men who desire to sleep with multiple women would prefer to have that one woman, and then do their thing on the side.

Lewis Howes 1:21:59 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:59 You see? So they still want that one individual that they can rely upon even when they have a desire to, to sleep with others.

Lewis Howes 1:22:07 Sure.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:07 So, to me, I, I just don't see a man wanting to never have that one woman and just say, "No, I'll just keep being with a bunch of different women."

Lewis Howes 1:22:14 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:15 It's draining him.

Lewis Howes 1:22:16 They wanna have at least a partner where they feel supported, respected.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:19 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:22:20 Um, but what I've heard, what I'm hearing you say is you don't think that works long term of a man having one woman and then having women on the side.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:29 No, because it's, it's, it's... you're inviting a lot of potential drama.

Lewis Howes 1:22:33 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:34 It's hard to-

Lewis Howes 1:22:34 Parasite energies.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:35 Yes. It, it's hard to be emotionally availa- for all... Listen, it's hard enough to be emotionally available for one woman-

Lewis Howes 1:22:41 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:22:41 ... depending on the type of guy you are, okay? All right, so now you gotta manage multiple women.

Lewis Howes 1:22:46 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:46 That's just really tough. I think, like, even when you t- think about back in the days, and I mean way back in the days, kings and queens, and you had kings with many women.

Lewis Howes 1:22:56 That was more for reproduction, right?

Stephan Speaks 1:22:57 It-

Lewis Howes 1:22:57 It was like, we need to-

Stephan Speaks 1:22:59 Yeah, pa- part of it's status, reproduction. Some of it was, well, these women, if they didn't, if they didn't allow themselves to be married to this man or be one of his wives, they'd be out in the street and homeless. But here's the thing, like, yeah, he might have been cool because he's king, but these women weren't happy.

Lewis Howes 1:23:15 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:16 They just accepted it. It was, it was acceptable enough to work with, but it wasn't what they really wanted and desired.

Lewis Howes 1:23:21 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:22 So it's never this unit of two people who are just so happy in it. And I would still argue that that king, if he doesn't have a queen, no matter how many concubines he has, if he doesn't have a queen, he still feels empty.

Lewis Howes 1:23:34 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:35 He still needs that one woman that he can share his life with.

Lewis Howes 1:23:38 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:39 So, wanting to sleep with multiple women is very different than the need to have that one woman that you can share a life with.

Lewis Howes 1:23:45 What is your thoughts, uh, going back to submissive, this word that women-

Stephan Speaks 1:23:51 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:23:52 ... some women don't really like, right?

Stephan Speaks 1:23:54 Yeah, right.

Lewis Howes 1:23:55 What would be another word to be used for submissive that you think women might be receptive to hearing and being like, "Okay, I'm gonna take, l- listen to this perspective."

Stephan Speaks 1:24:07 My... I was gonna say let your guard down, but no, that's not gonna work either. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:24:11 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:24:11 They don't like that one either. Um, you know, I don't, I don't know.

Lewis Howes 1:24:18 Is it more, is it feminine? Is it, what's the word? Like-

Stephan Speaks 1:24:20 Well, I, I, I think, again, depending on the woman's perception of what these things mean and what they, or what they mean to her specifically, will dictate how receptive she is to each word.

Lewis Howes 1:24:30 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:30 And that's why I think at some point, I, I, rather than trying to find a different word, I just want them to understand that submissive is not a bad thing.

Lewis Howes 1:24:38 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:39 I'm not saying submit to every single man that comes your way, but if you're with the right man, if you are confident this man is a good man, is pouring into you, is showing up the way that he needs to, why, why not embrace it?

Lewis Howes 1:24:51 Allow him to lead in certain ways.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:52 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:24:53 You know.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:53 But, but what I think women have to understand is, 'cause I, I guarantee there'll be some women who just heard that and say, "Well, I have no problem with that. If he shows himself worthy, I will submit." I think the disconnect is but you're not exuding an energy outside of that that says you're a woman who's capable of that.

Lewis Howes 1:25:10 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:11 That's the problem. So it's like, yes, I do believe that most women in the presence of a masculine man who loves them and they feel safe around, is gonna let their walls down and quote-unquote "submit." Naturally. It'll just happen. They won't even think about it. It will just naturally happen. But when she's out and about, when she's at a party, whatever the case may be, she's not giving off that energy so that man who's capable of pouring into her in that way doesn't even step to her. He goes to somebody else.

Lewis Howes 1:25:43 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:44 And so I just want women to learn how to exude that energy more.

Lewis Howes 1:25:47 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:48 But that doesn't mean you're submitting to every single guy that comes your way.

Lewis Howes 1:25:51 Sure, sure.

Lewis Howes 1:25:53 We mentioned about this before. I've been seeing a lot of content on TikTok about some women saying that, you know, once you hit past 30-

Stephan Speaks 1:26:01 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:26:02 ... your value as a woman has gone down dramatically for, uh, you know, a driven, high desirable man.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:08 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:26:10 Is there truth to that? Or what do you think about this for women over 30 who aren't married, who don't have kids. Um, are they as desirable as a great partner for men in their 30s and 40s? Or are those men that are now emotionally ready to commit more interested in someone younger than them?

Stephan Speaks 1:26:30 Yeah. I think... So I'm going to put it to you like this. I think people have to understand there's a difference between what we put down on paper that we want versus what happens in the reality of life.

Lewis Howes 1:26:40 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:41 All right? So, yes, if you asked a highly successful man, uh, "Would you prefer an over 30-year-old woman versus a woman in her 20s?" Majority of them are probably gonna pick in her 20s. Though there are gonna be men who will say in over 30. And that's the thing I want women to understand. Not all of these men think the exact same. They have different reasons. I've met men who are very successful who did not want to date a woman under 30. Refused to date a woman under 30.

Lewis Howes 1:27:07 'Cause they, 'cause they probably thought it'd be more drama or less-

Stephan Speaks 1:27:09 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:27:10 ... emotional availability or whatever it might be.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:11 Exactly. They, there, there's a trade-off somewhere-

Lewis Howes 1:27:13 Less life experience

Stephan Speaks 1:27:13 ... and they didn't want to make that trade-off. Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:27:14 And it's like, what do we have in common?

Stephan Speaks 1:27:16 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:27:16 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:16 And depending on what that specific man truly values will determine which side he falls on. But what I want people to understand is, again, even if, even if we said 90% of those men want under 20 on paper.

Lewis Howes 1:27:30 Under 30.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:30 Under 30. I'm sorry. Under 30. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:27:32 Under 20 might be like, uh... [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:27:33 Yeah. Take that out. No. [laughs] We gotta keep it above. But okay.

Lewis Howes 1:27:37 Under 30, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:38 Under 30. Then what happens is, um, in real life though, if that successful man goes to a bar, meets this beautiful woman exuding all this feminine energy, they talk, the conversation's amazing. They're, uh, they're, they're in full alignment with what they want and what they like. He's not gonna say, "Oh, you're 31? I can't talk to you anymore."

Lewis Howes 1:28:02 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:28:02 At that point, it doesn't matter. Once the vibe is there, the connection's there, it doesn't matter. So you have tons of people that end up with someone who didn't fit what they would've wrote down on a piece of paper. You see? Because what we write down is, like, our most ideal based off our logic. So it's almost like if you ask someone what kind of car you want, they might mention, "Yeah, I, I want a Bentley." But when they leave the dealership, they left with a Corolla or a-

Lewis Howes 1:28:27 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:28:27 ... or, you know, a Nissan-

Lewis Howes 1:28:28 Right

Stephan Speaks 1:28:28 ... or whatever the case may be because they realize that's what worked better for them by the time they were done. So I just think that people get caught up in what they're hearing on the internet rather than... Listen, if you show up as your best self, you can still win. Whether you're in your 20s, 30s-

Lewis Howes 1:28:46 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:28:46 ... 40s, 50s, whatever, it doesn't matter. You just have to be your best self. And I, and what I also want women to understand is your goal is not to appeal to the whole base of men. Your goal is to find that one men who, man who aligns with you. So even if 90% of the guys say on paper they don't want this, well, maybe your guy's in that 10% and you'll be fine. Just focus on being your best you.

Lewis Howes 1:29:13 Right. Right. Man, this has been some good stuff so far. Um-

Stephan Speaks 1:29:19 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:29:19 ... what else do we need to talk about today, you think? What else has, uh, been a big sticking point for people in relationships lately?

Stephan Speaks 1:29:29 I, I, I just think that in general there's this huge negative stigma on dating in general, and a lot of people are just over it and they wanna be done. And a- again-

Lewis Howes 1:29:45 They're done with dating

Stephan Speaks 1:29:46 ... they're done with dating. Uh, or they're done with putting in the effort to date. And a lot of people are confusing practices that don't work with that individual versus practices that don't work in general.

Lewis Howes 1:30:01 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:30:02 All right? So for example, let's... Going back again to feminine energy. If I say to a woman, "Okay, walking in your feminine energy is gonna get you more success." "Oh, well, the last guy I was with, he didn't appreciate it." Okay, that guy didn't.

Lewis Howes 1:30:16 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:30:16 That doesn't mean stop being feminine because being feminine works. All right? But you have to recognize that that guy is not it for you. Same thing, um, one time on a previous interview I did with Lisa, she mentioned how there was a guy who goes on a date, um, and she went on a date with h- her friend. At the end of the date, check comes. The guy looks at the check. She looks at the guy. [laughs] He looks back at her. They're just sitting there looking to see who's gonna pay for it first. Finally, after like a couple minutes he's like, "Oh, thank God you're not one of them." And what, what he explained was his last date, when he went to pay for the check, the date chewed him out and told him, "I can pay for my own meal," and just let him have it. So now he became afraid to try to pay for the meal in fear that he would get chewed out again.

Lewis Howes 1:31:03 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:03 And so people are, again, mistaking... No, the problem wasn't you trying to pay for the date. If you're a guy who's comfortable in that role or wants to be in that role, then that was your sign that you two are not a match.

Lewis Howes 1:31:16 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:16 That's it. But don't change being the guy who pays for the date. Just change the woman that you go on a date with.

Lewis Howes 1:31:21 Mm. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:23 So yeah, a lot of people just, the, in, in various ways-

Lewis Howes 1:31:26 Don't stop being your best self-

Stephan Speaks 1:31:28 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:31:28 ... just 'cause it didn't work on one person.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:30 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:31:30 That was just not the right person.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:31 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:31:32 Keep being your best version of you. Keep healing, keep growing, uh, keep stepping into your masculine or your feminine energy and you'll also be attracting everyone. You've just gotta learn how to choose better people.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:44 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:31:45 'Cause you're gonna attract everyone probably, lots of different types of people.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:48 Absolutely. You definitely will. I mean, again, that's the thing. Like, people who are, who have found- Who have healed and gotten to that healthy place, who are taking better care of themselves overall, who are walking in that confidence, they're seeing more opportunities from a variety-

Lewis Howes 1:32:04 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:32:05 ... of people.

Lewis Howes 1:32:05 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:06 Like, the... And, and even if they haven't found their love of their life yet, they can at least say, "I'm meeting more people."

Lewis Howes 1:32:13 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:13 "I'm seeing more chances to, for a relationship to go further. I'm, I'm meeting more people who want to be serious about me."

Lewis Howes 1:32:20 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:20 Like, that has all improved because they did the work within themselves.

Lewis Howes 1:32:23 Yeah. I'm gonna ask you a personal question.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:25 Go ahead. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:32:29 What's it, uh... You know, you've been single for a while, right?

Stephan Speaks 1:32:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:32:33 Years.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:34 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:32:34 Right? You've been committed to yourself, developing yourself. Um, what would it take for the right woman, the right match for you, for you to be like, "Okay, cool. I'm down to explore, like, dating this person and then getting committed eventually." What would it, what would it take for you to witness an experience?

Stephan Speaks 1:32:52 Well-

Lewis Howes 1:32:52 'Cause you've met a lot of women.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:53 Yes, a lot of great women. Um, so as far as a willingness to explore it, that's gonna start with there has to be a strong attraction-

Lewis Howes 1:33:01 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:33:02 ... physically. I believe in that-

Lewis Howes 1:33:03 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:33:03 ... wholeheartedly, so that has to be there. Um, again, I, I talk about feminine and masculinity all the time, so of course, I'm gonna be drawn to a much more feminine woman. That's what I like. That's what I appreciate. That's what I value.

Lewis Howes 1:33:15 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:33:16 Um, also, for me, this one is a little tricky because I value a healthy lifestyle overall. So, eating healthier, working out, things of that nature. I'm not prepared to say that I would not give someone who's not doing those things a chance. I would be more hesitant. But I'll say if that's in place, that's a big green light for me.

Lewis Howes 1:33:42 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:33:42 So, if all those other things are there and then I find out you're, you're into a healthy lifestyle as well, oh yeah, we definitely can look more into this and see where we can go.

Lewis Howes 1:33:50 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:33:50 Um, and then from there, it's just more so alignment in personality. So it's like, okay, I'm a very introverted person, so I need... I, I think it'd be best for someone who can have that balance to it.

Lewis Howes 1:34:05 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:05 They don't have to be a super extrovert, but I think if they're too introverted and I'm too introverted, how will that really work in the long run? Again, I'm not saying I'm completely against it. I'm skeptical, though, if I'm being honest. I think the, the way that we wanna live life, I'm not the most... I'm a mixture of I can be frugal in some ways, m- maybe, probably not. No-

Lewis Howes 1:34:27 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:34:27 ... I, I, I'll spend money. That's the thing.

Lewis Howes 1:34:29 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:29 When I like something, I believe in quality. I like certain luxuries. I'm gonna spend it. What I have seen in a lot of couples is this battle that happens-

Lewis Howes 1:34:37 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:34:37 ... when you have this individual who likes to live a more luxurious lifestyle-

Lewis Howes 1:34:42 Right

Stephan Speaks 1:34:42 ... and this person who wants to live a simple lifestyle. When those values don't align, it conflicts-

Lewis Howes 1:34:47 Big time

Stephan Speaks 1:34:48 ... and creates a lot of arguments and problems. And again, it starts with that small thing and manifests into all these other bigger issues. So to me, I would wanna make sure we're on the same page with the lifestyle that we wanna live. And then after that, it goes beyond them and it's just about spiritually. Are we in alignment spiritually? You know, I pray about everything, so I have to feel like God is telling me she's it. If not, I'm not moving forward.

Lewis Howes 1:35:13 Wow. Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:14 You know? And that's, that's the piece I think people don't understand as to why someone like me would be single as long as I am versus someone who has my same resume, so to speak, but they don't have that spiritual side. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:35:29 Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:29 Because now they're operating strictly from a logical place.

Lewis Howes 1:35:32 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:32 And if I was operating from a strictly logical place, oh, I could have married somebody a long time ago.

Lewis Howes 1:35:36 Sure.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:37 But for me, that spiritual element is huge, and I can't turn my back on that. So, that's what I believe has prolonged the process. And, and you know, I have to trust God's timing. I don't know what the purpose is at the moment.

Lewis Howes 1:35:51 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:52 But maybe I, I'm not as ready as I think I am.

Lewis Howes 1:35:55 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:55 You know, maybe certain things need to be established-

Lewis Howes 1:35:58 Within you

Stephan Speaks 1:35:58 ... you know, I honestly say not even within me, but within the purpose. Um, I think, like, remember... I don't know if you remember last time we did the, one of these episodes, you kind of called me out on the fact that I had a letter I didn't write.

Lewis Howes 1:36:12 Uh-huh. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:36:13 [laughs] And I did it. Just so you know-

Lewis Howes 1:36:15 Oh, there you go. Okay

Stephan Speaks 1:36:16 ... I did it. So, I made sure I cleared everything. So, I've done... And, and of course, there's always room to grow.

Lewis Howes 1:36:22 Sure. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:36:22 There's always more to learn. But I can confidently say I've done all the deep work.

Lewis Howes 1:36:27 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:36:28 Everything that I talk to people about, I've done every step of it, and I, it, none of it weighs on me anymore. Like-

Lewis Howes 1:36:34 That's good

Stephan Speaks 1:36:34 ... I'm good. So to me, I think though it's things need to be established within the purpose, 'cause what I will say is, I've, I've seen a lot of guys in my field that once they got married, they took the foot off the pedal, and they kind of fell off-

Lewis Howes 1:36:50 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:36:50 ... to be honest with you. Now, I'm not saying I would completely fall off, but hey, it's real easy that once you find someone you love and you're happy with, you, you know-

Lewis Howes 1:36:59 You're more relaxed.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:00 Yeah. [laughs] You know. You're like, "Oh, maybe I don't need to do this interview today. Maybe I don't need to, you know, do this Live right now."

Lewis Howes 1:37:07 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:37:07 You know, let me just go chill with my girl. It's easy to fall into that pattern. So, I think that maybe for me there are some things that have to be created first foundationally, and then-

Lewis Howes 1:37:19 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:37:20 ... that can be brought into my life.

Lewis Howes 1:37:21 Mm. If, uh, if you guys enjoyed this so far, make sure to leave a comment about what resonated with you the most that Stephan was talking about. Which point of, that he talked about that really speaks to you. Maybe something you haven't done yet, something you did do that works well. I wanna see in the comments. Share this out as well. We'll have everything else linked up that we talked about in previous episodes.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:37:41 'Cause some of these were massive hits.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:44 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:37:44 So, make sure you guys go watch or listen to those as well in the description. Stephan, you got an amazing... lots of amazing books for people. You've got an amazing YouTube channel, Instagram, social media. How can we be of support and service to you today?

Stephan Speaks 1:37:57 Uh, just follow me @StephanSpeaks on all the social media. Uh, you can go to stephanspeaksshop.com to get all the different books. I, I always wanna highlight Love After Heartbreak 'cause that's the one that lays out how to heal.

Lewis Howes 1:38:10 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:10 And you noticed that came up a lot today.

Lewis Howes 1:38:12 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:12 And I do believe it's the foundation of success in every aspect of our life. So I, I definitely encourage people to go get that book. They can also go to loveafterheartbreak.com. But yeah, just continue to watch the videos. Watch this show, you know, and share it with all your friends and family.

Lewis Howes 1:38:27 Share it out. I'd love to see what people think is the most, uh, controversial thing-

Stephan Speaks 1:38:31 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:38:31 ... or the thing that they really believe in, but it's hard for them to say-

Stephan Speaks 1:38:35 Uh-huh

Lewis Howes 1:38:35 ... publicly. So leave a comment below. Let us know. Uh, Stephan, always a pleasure, my man.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:40 Always a pleasure.

Lewis Howes 1:38:40 Appreciate you, brother.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:41 For real, man. Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:38:42 Thanks, man. If you got value from that, then go ahead and stick around for more coming up right now.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:48 So I, I always talk about healing.

Lewis Howes 1:38:51 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:38:51 And I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I wanna take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing, from women's standpoint, is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how, how we, uh, behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for womens, I mean, for men. So essentially, men lacking in understanding of the emotional state or the-

Lewis Howes 1:39:17 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:39:17 ... emotional side of women, and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side-

Lewis Howes 1:39:25 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:39:26 ... and how he goes about things. And that disconnect... Because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are, all right? And they're not trying to understand the other person. And so we, we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things.

Lewis Howes 1:39:40 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:39:41 And that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

Lewis Howes 1:39:47 This is gonna be an oversimplified question, uh, or response that you have, um, 'cause each person is unique.

Stephan Speaks 1:39:53 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:39:53 But I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:02 The simplicity of a man, they would be happy. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:40:08 [laughs] Like, I think-

Stephan Speaks 1:40:09 If a woman understood the simplicity of a man-

Lewis Howes 1:40:12 Yes

Stephan Speaks 1:40:12 ... they would be happy in their relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:40:13 Yes. They would be happy.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:14 They would have less stress. They would have less arguments.

Lewis Howes 1:40:16 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:16 They would have less pain, suffering.

Lewis Howes 1:40:18 Yes. Because-

Stephan Speaks 1:40:19 What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man? So there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthink and overanalyze in their relationships. And so a simple example I gave in one of my videos is, like, let's say a guy says... She said, "Ask the man, 'What do you want for your, his, your birthday?'" And he says, "Listen, just, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor. I'm good. Have some sex. That's all I need for the night." And the woman thinks, "Let me get him a wallet." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:40:46 [laughs] He's like, "No, I didn't ask for that."

Stephan Speaks 1:40:48 Exactly. Like, it's so simple. He's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth are, is what he means. The problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators.

Lewis Howes 1:41:01 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:41:01 Dealing with men who are playing games, that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest, they don't know how to take that. And also because women are very, they're into details, all right? So they, they are going to see what you need. They're gonna analyze and say, "Okay, I can get this for him." They're, they're more thoughtful in their approach. They go deeper, which is why they become so frustrated with us, because we don't. When we don't understand that when they said, "I'm okay," that they really weren't okay, that bothers them. When they told us, "We don't want anything for Valentine's Day," but they really wanted something, and we didn't get that, that bothers them. Because it's like, why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them? Because that's how they are with us.

Lewis Howes 1:41:46 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:41:47 And so again, it's a disconnect of we operate very differently. But if they would g- just understand we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you, is being very plain and clear. And if you would just honor and accept that, it would make things so much easier.

Lewis Howes 1:42:03 And if a man knew X about a woman, they would have a happy life.

Stephan Speaks 1:42:07 I, I'm, I... What's the right word? Uh [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:42:10 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:42:11 It, it really goes back to understand that her emotions... Uh, I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this, but i- i- it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is, again, if you're with a woman, let's say you guys are walking down the street, and she says, "I don't feel safe right now." All right? To a man, we may analyze this, the, the area and say, "Well, there's nothing of danger here. What's your problem? You're crazy." No, don't do that. If she says, "I don't feel safe," you have to understand that's how she feels. That's her emotion right now.

Lewis Howes 1:42:46 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:42:46 And her emotion is reality to her.

Lewis Howes 1:42:48 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:42:48 She may not be able to explain it. It may be something within her, within her spirit. But w- as men, we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's, "You're crazy. You're this, you're that," rather than, no, try to understand she's feeling like this for a reason. And even if we can't always explain it, honor it.

Lewis Howes 1:43:08 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:43:08 Now, the man's concern is, well, now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense, she can say, "I feel this way." But if you're with a good woman, and she's been good to you in every other way, why question if she's playing games now?

Lewis Howes 1:43:21 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:43:22 Give her the benefit of the doubt. So I think if we would just learn to embrace what, what her emotions are at the moment, we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from you're trying to force your logic onto her. She's trying to tell you how she feels right now.

Lewis Howes 1:43:37 Mm. Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:43:38 And it's like this. No, meet her where she's feeling right now. Acknowledge that. Say, "Okay, you know what? I understand it."

Lewis Howes 1:43:45 [claps]

Stephan Speaks 1:43:45 "Let's handle it from that perspective."

Lewis Howes 1:43:47 Why is it so hard for, for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind you're, uh, you might be acting crazy? These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:06 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:44:06 How do they get out of that space and say, "Okay, this is irrational. In my mind, maybe this does seem crazy 'cause I don't feel this personally." How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment, even if it is irrational?

Stephan Speaks 1:44:22 So three things. It's, it's gonna be awareness... Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one?

Lewis Howes 1:44:29 [laughs] Awareness, yep.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:30 Awareness. I'm missing the second one, and then communication at times when things are not chaotic.

Lewis Howes 1:44:36 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:37 All right? So the problem is, you, you can't be trying to have this full, deep discussion at this... If you feel like she's being irrational, and if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment, all right? She's feeling all over the place. Who knows what's triggering her right now. Wait till things are calm.

Lewis Howes 1:44:56 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:56 And now let's revisit what happened the other day.

Lewis Howes 1:44:59 Don't fix it when it's not, when it's chaotic.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:00 Exactly. It's almost like, you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it. She wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so we can talk about, we can revisit it at a different time, but in that time, she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

Lewis Howes 1:45:16 What if the man's just like, "It doesn't make sense."

Stephan Speaks 1:45:18 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:45:19 "You're making no sense right now. What you're saying is irrational. Maybe it's illogical. It's crazy. None of it makes sense." How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them?

Stephan Speaks 1:45:33 It, it really is a... This, oh, it, it's about practice. So that was the second thing.

Lewis Howes 1:45:38 Awareness, practice.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:38 Awareness, practice, communication. So the practicing of it is just simply understanding, listen, it doesn't always have to make sense.

Lewis Howes 1:45:46 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:46 All right? What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling?

Lewis Howes 1:45:54 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:55 Even if it doesn't line up with your logic right then. You know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a, a moment to now learn more about each other, but right now is not the time.

Lewis Howes 1:46:05 Right. So the next, so tomorrow, three days later, we can say, "Hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid? Nothing was around. Can we talk about that?"

Stephan Speaks 1:46:13 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:46:14 Gotcha.

Stephan Speaks 1:46:14 Exactly. And now we can gain better understanding because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it, but in the moment of her emotions running all over the place, it's gonna be hard for her to get it out clearly. It's not because she's trying to be difficult. It's just she's, she's feeling all over the place. It's just hard. It's like if, think about a child, and I'm not trying to reduce women to children, but think about a child being in their frantic moment, something happening to them. They, and you're saying, "Tell me what's wrong." They can't tell you. They're, "But ah, ah," it's hard for them to say it.

Lewis Howes 1:46:45 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:46:45 But once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.

Lewis Howes 1:46:49 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 1:46:50 So we just have to be, we gotta be patient as well.

Lewis Howes 1:46:52 [sighs]

Stephan Speaks 1:46:53 We gotta be patient with each other and give grace. We're gonna have moments where, yeah, it, it may not make sense, but again, overall, if you're with a good woman-

Lewis Howes 1:47:01 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:47:02 ... why act like she must be, she's being difficult or evil right now? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:47:06 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:06 You know?

Lewis Howes 1:47:07 There's a lot of good w- speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are, are friends of mine who are single.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:13 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:47:14 And they've been single for years.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:15 Okay.

Lewis Howes 1:47:15 I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind, so I'm gonna speak to these women's, uh, archetype 'cause I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for... They haven't been in a... They've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while. Good women. They make their own money. They're independent. They're kind. They're compassionate. They're loving. They're p- they've got their own vision, but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit. What do you think is missing from those women? Or is it a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years, and you haven't found someone. Maybe it's still timing. Maybe they, they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things, and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match, what's missing from them? Or is nothing missing?

Stephan Speaks 1:48:06 It, it's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them-

Lewis Howes 1:48:08 Of course

Stephan Speaks 1:48:08 ... individually, the, the issues can vary, you know? I'll tell you what I've seen as common-

Lewis Howes 1:48:14 Yes

Stephan Speaks 1:48:14 ... barriers for women. One of the most common, and they, they may not like hearing this, but one of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side.

Lewis Howes 1:48:25 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 1:48:26 A- and that, that only really plays a huge role dependent on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a, a guy who can be a leader, a- at least has those qualities, then not being in your feminine is gonna work against you. You're gonna come across more difficult. You're not gonna come a- come, come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself w- can say what he needs almost most importantly or at least top of the, near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

Lewis Howes 1:48:58 Oh, man.

Stephan Speaks 1:48:59 All right?

Lewis Howes 1:48:59 I've been saying that my whole life.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:00 [laughs] You know?

Lewis Howes 1:49:01 Peace.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:02 And so if he does not view you in that way because, again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature, he's not gonna... You could be the most beautiful, amazing woman. It's like... And he may wanna sleep with you, but he's not gonna wanna take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. A- another thing can be timing.

Lewis Howes 1:49:23 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:23 It, you know, it's a lot of times is you, you... We have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this. But in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men.

Lewis Howes 1:49:34 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:35 A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys, staying in, uh, dating even the wrong guy. So it, it doesn't have to be a com- a committed relationship. It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other, but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it, and yet you're still letting it continue. And what, and even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend, girlfriend, you're emotionally invested.

Lewis Howes 1:50:02 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:02 And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not gonna be able to meet that great guy, or that great guy may come across you here at church dating this guy and say, "I'm not even gonna bother with that."

Lewis Howes 1:50:17 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:17 And so that hurts you. So b- timing is it, but you have to make just sure you're leaving yourself available.

Lewis Howes 1:50:23 Here's a question Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Stephan Speaks 1:50:32 Hell yes. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:50:33 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:50:35 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:50:35 I, I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels, like something's not right. Something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside, and sometimes you try to force it to make it work, and I'm as, as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things, and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have.

Stephan Speaks 1:51:05 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:51:06 But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone, I was afraid of hurting myself, I was afraid of whatever.

Stephan Speaks 1:51:12 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:51:13 And when I started to learn that like this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is, is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship. For something to flourish-

Stephan Speaks 1:51:25 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:51:26 ... you wanna have... You know, the dream is to have a rainforest of a, an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you. There's water flow- waterfalls. Not an environment of a desert-

Stephan Speaks 1:51:39 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:51:39 ... where things go to die in the relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:51:40 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:51:42 And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal, and that's something that you taught me years ago, and you're, you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

Stephan Speaks 1:51:59 They can't. There, there's no way... You can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

Lewis Howes 1:52:04 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:04 You know?

Lewis Howes 1:52:04 It's like-

Stephan Speaks 1:52:05 Like, "I'm fine. I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past." Like that was me.

Lewis Howes 1:52:08 Exactly.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:09 And, and so the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall.

Lewis Howes 1:52:15 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:15 Until something, you know, knocks them on their behind and now they have to, to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding onto. Um, but also I think the, the, the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now those unhealed people are gonna validate your issues.

Lewis Howes 1:52:35 Oh. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:52:35 They're gonna validate your, your unwillingness to face those things.

Lewis Howes 1:52:39 This is so hard because whatever, guy friends, girl friends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, "This person did this," and they validate you and say, "Leave them."

Stephan Speaks 1:52:49 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:52:49 "They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this," right?

Stephan Speaks 1:52:55 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:52:55 They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:03 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:53:04 But it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:09 Well, uh, but it, I think yes because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good.

Lewis Howes 1:53:16 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:17 So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from.

Lewis Howes 1:53:26 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:53:27 Like I, I, I may speak to my friends because I need to, uh, uh, uh, to vent at the moment or I want some feedback, but I'm fully aware that they are not the end all, be all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not, they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance. All right? But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at.

Lewis Howes 1:53:56 Nice.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:56 And that's why I will still talk to them, 'cause I wanna hear different perspectives. I wanna make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here. All right? So it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, "Oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it." No, your friend may be broken too.

Lewis Howes 1:54:11 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:54:12 And they're gonna lead you down a, a even more broken path.

Lewis Howes 1:54:16 Exactly. So the convers- the, the conversations you have with some people, they're not healed and they're not helping you fully, uh, 'cause they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:28 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:54:28 Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:30 And, and not, and not to mention, it, it can happen in other ways as far as like I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship, it's, "Oh, you know, give him a chance. Oh, you know-"

Lewis Howes 1:54:47 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:54:47 ... "cheating happens in every relationship." They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how they gonna tell you to do it?

Lewis Howes 1:54:57 So hard.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:57 All right? Uh, now some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're gonna actually con- or, are willing to do. But a lot of people un- consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things.

Lewis Howes 1:55:11 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:11 Or how they have handled things, all right? So if it's I would leave because someone called me out there, out my name one time, then I don't have to tell you that you gotta leave for that reason.

Lewis Howes 1:55:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:23 I can't tell you to be considerate of well, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no, 'cause I drew that line, you need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice, so y- that's why you have to be very careful-

Lewis Howes 1:55:36 Absolutely

Stephan Speaks 1:55:36 ... going to friends and family.

Lewis Howes 1:55:38 Healing is, again, a lot of c- clarity comes through healing.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:42 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:55:43 You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, have stayed in relationships longer, um, than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:56 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:55:57 So would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, "Oh, this isn't for me. Like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working. I'm willing to walk away." Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Stephan Speaks 1:56:19 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:56:20 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:20 Basically, the more healed you become, or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. Y- you don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer.

Lewis Howes 1:56:34 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:34 Because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy. Now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach

Lewis Howes 1:56:45 Yeah, yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:56:45 So your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there, or at least it's diminished, because now your body knows what healthy feels like.

Lewis Howes 1:56:53 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:54 All right? So emotionally, once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not wanna face their issues. You know, it reminds me right now, real quick, of even when it comes to business, or you know what? Even when it comes to fitness. A lot of people, once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved, uh, getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said, "My circumstances. There's nothing I can do."

Lewis Howes 1:57:28 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:28 "It's too hard." But once you've achieved it, and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like, no, you're just unwilling.

Lewis Howes 1:57:37 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:37 You don't have, you don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues, it's like, "No, 'cause I got past mine."

Lewis Howes 1:57:52 Right. You're right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:52 I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing, but so many are not willing.

Lewis Howes 1:57:58 Let's say you're, you got in a relationship. Uh, you got married. You've been committed for a while. And you, neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, "You know what? This isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past." They go on that journey. They get relief. They find peace in their heart. They're not triggered. Whatever it is.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:58:20 They've started and have continually been on the healing process, but the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past-

Stephan Speaks 1:58:27 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:58:28 ... experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend, like is that relationship able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, "Well, we still love each other, and we have a lot of, uh, chemistry and connection most of the time." What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:46 I hate to say this.

Lewis Howes 1:58:47 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:58:48 But I have to be honest.

Lewis Howes 1:58:49 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:50 All right? I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation.

Lewis Howes 1:58:57 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:57 All right? I do think that we can take an approach that says, "Let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here." And the main thing is, can we achieve progress, all right? Rome isn't built in a day, and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years-

Lewis Howes 1:59:14 Yeah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:59:14 ... we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path-

Lewis Howes 1:59:20 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:59:20 ... and make progress? Though I don't wanna encourage divorce, I don't, I, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't wanna face their issues.

Lewis Howes 1:59:32 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:33 If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed, they've gotta be willing to make a move. And here's the problem, people, people are afraid to heal, or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right? Because you have to... It's like I, I remember a quote. I'm probably saying it wrong. "To heal, you have to face the pain," or, "You have to dive into the pain." Something like that, all right? So people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now, your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person, all right? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

Lewis Howes 2:00:15 They're stuck for life.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:15 Exactly. So for that reason, they're, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues.

Lewis Howes 2:00:23 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:23 The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

Lewis Howes 2:00:27 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:28 I- or is the actual divorce happening. Again, I, it's not that I want it to get to that point. I hope and pray everyone can avoid that. But the reality is, some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table, and that will be divorce-

Lewis Howes 2:00:43 [whistles]

Stephan Speaks 2:00:43 ... in that situation.

Lewis Howes 2:00:45 So okay. Let's say someone's like, "You know what? I feel like I'm good. It's never been about me. It's been about everyone else. It's their problems that, why the relationship doesn't work out."

Stephan Speaks 2:00:54 Hold on, I gotta stop you real quick.

Lewis Howes 2:00:56 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:56 'Cause this is, like, hitting my spirit. I gotta say it.

Lewis Howes 2:00:58 Give it to me.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:59 The other thing to consider is that some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person, and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken.

Lewis Howes 2:01:11 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 2:01:12 Had you not been damaged in the first place-

Lewis Howes 2:01:15 Zing

Stephan Speaks 2:01:15 ... you may not be with this individual.

Lewis Howes 2:01:17 'Cause you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:21 Exactly. And if you were healed-

Lewis Howes 2:01:23 Oh

Stephan Speaks 2:01:23 ... you would've been your true self. Your true self-

Lewis Howes 2:01:26 Oh

Stephan Speaks 2:01:26 ... may not have aligned with this individual.

Lewis Howes 2:01:28 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:28 Now, I'm not saying that there aren't s- um, circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people-

Lewis Howes 2:01:40 Wow

Stephan Speaks 2:01:40 ... I would argue the majority, when you... 'Cause I always say, "If you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person."

Lewis Howes 2:01:46 Ooh, man.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:47 So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual, and that's marriage, relationship, whatever, because that brokenness, that damage-

Lewis Howes 2:01:58 Attracted something else that was broken

Stephan Speaks 2:02:00 ... exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it. Or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.

Lewis Howes 2:02:06 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:06 Here's the thing that people don't realize. When, when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person, subconsciously, a, it validates me staying broken. It validates me-

Lewis Howes 2:02:28 Mm

Stephan Speaks 2:02:28 ... not having to face my issues, because now we all have issues.

Lewis Howes 2:02:32 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:32 You see? As long as we all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

2:02:39 And so you could have a parent that loves you with everything that they have, but they only have this cup worth of love to give.

Lewis Howes 2:02:47 Right.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:47 And you need the size of this table.

Lewis Howes 2:02:49 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 2:02:50 That's a mismatch.

Lewis Howes 2:02:51 Right.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:51 That's a mismatch. You might be somebody who needed your parents to praise you, and they weren't that type of person. That's a mismatch.

Lewis Howes 2:02:59 Mm-hmm