PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Be More Charismatic & Confident TODAY! | Vanessa Van Edwards

1. 0:00 – 5:41

   Real Smiles, Contagious Cues, and Controlling Social Rejection

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      This is the biggest mistake I think facing really, really smart people. I think really, really smart people, and this is most of my students, they're like off the charts smart, creative, brilliant. They make the mistake of thinking-

   2. LHLewis Howes0:10

      I think you gotta have a dream

   3. SPSpeaker0:11

      The School of Greatness.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:12

      Really [laughs] , yeah.

   5. SPSpeaker0:13

      Please welcome Lewis Howes.

   6. LHLewis Howes0:15

      Is it better to smile without teeth or with teeth in order to enroll people in you as a human being-

   7. SPSpeaker0:23

      Mm-hmm

   8. LHLewis Howes0:23

      ... to get anything you want in your life?

   9. SPSpeaker0:25

      What research found is that a real smile, whether it shows teeth or not, the only, the biggest difference is it has to reach up here.

   10. LHLewis Howes0:33

       The eyes.

   11. SPSpeaker0:33

       The, the upper cheek muscles actually. So those eye crinkles.

   12. LHLewis Howes0:37

       I do that a lot though.

   13. SPSpeaker0:38

       Yeah, yeah, those eye crinkles.

   14. LHLewis Howes0:38

       I feel like I squint a lot.

   15. SPSpeaker0:39

       Oh, yeah.

   16. LHLewis Howes0:39

       Yeah.

   17. SPSpeaker0:40

       Yeah, yeah. You got, you got a little smizing, right?

   18. LHLewis Howes0:41

       Yeah.

   19. SPSpeaker0:41

       So that's actually the only cue we're looking for. So it actually does not matter. So if you have a profile picture, a dating profile picture, a LinkedIn profile picture, I either want you neutral or with eye crinkles. The worst is sort of that in between. Now I don't mind like a soft up mouth, right? You and I both have this on our book covers.

   20. LHLewis Howes0:58

       Mm-hmm.

   21. SPSpeaker0:59

       A soft up mouth, but it has to engage those upper cheek muscles. What Dr. Barbara Wild found is that when they showed pictures of people with the f- fake smile and a real smile, the real smile was contagious. So when people looked at the real smile, they themselves felt happier.

   22. LHLewis Howes1:16

       Mm.

   23. SPSpeaker1:16

       When they looked at the fake smile, they felt no mood change.

   24. LHLewis Howes1:20

       Interesting.

   25. SPSpeaker1:20

       So the reason why that's important is I think that we think about, like, "Oh, I wanna show up. I wanna be really my most confident self," but what we don't realize is that our cues are contagious.

   26. LHLewis Howes1:28

       Yes.

   27. SPSpeaker1:28

       That if you show authentic happiness, you are more likely to infect happiness. Actually, there's one more face cue I wanna talk about. So, um, this is the cue that sort of started me on this crazy journey, and it got me ... I'm a recovering awkward person-

   28. LHLewis Howes1:41

       Yes

   29. SPSpeaker1:41

       ... as you know.

   30. LHLewis Howes1:42

       Introvert.
2. 5:41 – 10:19

   The Lid Flex and Spotting and Honoring Cues

   1. SPSpeaker5:41

      A lid flex.

   2. LHLewis Howes5:42

      Is that an eyelid?

   3. SPSpeaker5:43

      Yes, it is [laughs] .

   4. LHLewis Howes5:43

      Is it like a, like a, like a, like a twitch or what?

   5. SPSpeaker5:46

      Okay. Okay, so here's, you asked-

   6. LHLewis Howes5:47

      Like a hmm

   7. SPSpeaker5:48

      ... how do we control?

   8. LHLewis Howes5:48

      Hmm.

   9. SPSpeaker5:49

      Oh, yeah. That's it. You just did it. Okay, so you know Zoolander?

   10. LHLewis Howes5:52

       Yes.

   11. SPSpeaker5:52

       You know the Blue Steel?

   12. LHLewis Howes5:53

       Of course.

   13. SPSpeaker5:54

       Okay. That is actually a lid flex, right? So that's a hmm. Right? It's like a, it's if you h- if you're listening around and harden your lower lids and then like mm, your lips

   14. LHLewis Howes6:01

       Mm

   15. SPSpeaker6:01

       That's what blue steel is. The funny thing about this cue, it's ridiculous, I know you're like, "Where are you going with this, Vanessa?"

   16. LHLewis Howes6:06

       No, it makes sense to me 'cause it's like prove me. You're like someone's doubting you.

   17. SPSpeaker6:09

       Oh, you just got it.

   18. LHLewis Howes6:10

       Of course.

   19. SPSpeaker6:11

       Okay. So what's funny is in fear our eyes widen. So if you widen your eyes as wide as possible so that you can see the whites, you just ... I can take in way more of my environment. When we're afraid we wanna see as much as possible. When we are trying to see details-

   20. LHLewis Howes6:24

       Mm. Mm

   21. SPSpeaker6:25

       ... universally across cultures, we have to lessen the light coming into our eyes, so we squint.

   22. LHLewis Howes6:30

       To focus.

   23. SPSpeaker6:31

       We focus. So if you, like if you were to try to see that dot over there on the wall, you harden your lower lids.

   24. LHLewis Howes6:36

       Uh-huh.

   25. SPSpeaker6:37

       And that is because scientifically proven, when we l- harden our lower lids it reduces the amount of light and we can see more details.

   26. LHLewis Howes6:43

       Gotcha.

   27. SPSpeaker6:43

       So I can see the details on that camera better when I lower lid flex.

   28. LHLewis Howes6:47

       When you squint. Yeah.

   29. SPSpeaker6:48

       This is why if you open People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, on almost every page, along with a flexed bicep, are flexed lids. And that is because-

   30. LHLewis Howes6:59

       Okay
3. 10:19 – 14:56

   Why Charisma Is Warmth Plus Competence

   1. LHLewis Howes10:19

      You see a lot of these videos online talking about how charismatic someone is based on the way they smile, their eyes-

   2. SPSpeaker10:27

      Mm-hmm

   3. LHLewis Howes10:27

      ... they, even the tilt of the chin-

   4. SPSpeaker10:29

      Uh-huh [laughs]

   5. LHLewis Howes10:29

      ... or all these different things. Is it important to be charismatic?

   6. SPSpeaker10:32

      Mm.

   7. LHLewis Howes10:32

      Let's talk about that first.

   8. SPSpeaker10:34

      Yes.

   9. LHLewis Howes10:34

      Is it valuable and more important to be charismatic versus less charismatic?

   10. SPSpeaker10:39

       Mm-hmm.

   11. LHLewis Howes10:40

       Less-

   12. SPSpeaker10:40

       To the point.

   13. LHLewis Howes10:41

       Yeah.

   14. SPSpeaker10:41

       Yeah. Credible or-

   15. LHLewis Howes10:42

       Yeah, just to the point

   16. SPSpeaker10:42

       ... competent. Mm-hmm

   17. LHLewis Howes10:43

       ... or neutral energy. I mean, what's more valuable in society in accomplishing goals-

   18. SPSpeaker10:49

       Mm

   19. LHLewis Howes10:50

       ... and getting what you want?

   20. SPSpeaker10:50

       Mm-hmm. Okay.

   21. LHLewis Howes10:51

       Very charismatic or neutral?

   22. SPSpeaker10:53

       Neutral. Okay. So this is the biggest mistake, I think, facing really, really smart people. I think really, really smart people, and this is most of my students, they're like off the charts smart, creative, brilliant, they make the mistake of thinking, "If I have enough book smarts, if I have enough technology smarts, I don't need the people smarts."

   23. LHLewis Howes11:10

       Mm.

   24. SPSpeaker11:11

       No. Here's what research from Princeton University found [laughs] .

   25. LHLewis Howes11:14

       I'm so excited for this.

   26. SPSpeaker11:15

       Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

   27. LHLewis Howes11:15

       'Cause I already know what's g- what you're gonna say-

   28. SPSpeaker11:17

       Okay

   29. LHLewis Howes11:17

       ... in a sense, yeah.

   30. SPSpeaker11:17

       Okay. So this study completely changed my work and changed my life. It was done by Dr. Susan Fiske in 2002, and since then they've been able to replicate it, and build on it, and build on it, so this is very solid research. What she found, very highly charismatic people have to have the perfect blend of two traits. And this is where it's really-
4. 14:56 – 18:29

   Space Zones and Video Call Fatigue

   1. SPSpeaker14:56

      So, like, let's look at this cover. So really, really successful book covers-

   2. LHLewis Howes14:59

      Mm-hmm

   3. SPSpeaker14:59

      ... just like really successful LinkedIn profile pictures, very quickly signal both trust and competence.

   4. LHLewis Howes15:04

      Mm.

   5. SPSpeaker15:04

      Right? They b- signal both these at the same time. Okay? So, um, let's talk about the first one, which is space. Space, zones. Okay, so ... Sorry, I'll give it back to you. I took it away. [laughs]

   6. LHLewis Howes15:13

      Space zones mean?

   7. SPSpeaker15:14

      Space zone.

   8. LHLewis Howes15:15

      What is a space zone?

   9. SPSpeaker15:15

      We're gonna talk about space. We're gonna talk about the distance between people. So the distance between my nose and the camera lens.

   10. LHLewis Howes15:20

       Mm.

   11. SPSpeaker15:20

       You can't see it, but in this photo shoot, I made sure that the distance between my space and the camera lens was a certain space.

   12. LHLewis Howes15:27

       How far?

   13. SPSpeaker15:28

       So I wanted to be in what's called [laughs] the social zone. Okay, so ... And this is not made up by me. This is actually, uh ... Research has based, there's four zones for people, the intimate zone, the personal zone, the social zone, the public zone. Remember that, um, Seinfeld episode you ever saw of close talking?

   14. LHLewis Howes15:45

       Yes.

   15. SPSpeaker15:46

       You ever have this, where someone walks up, like, right into your face and like-

   16. LHLewis Howes15:49

       The ... Yes

   17. SPSpeaker15:49

       ... talks into your mouth? [laughs]

   18. LHLewis Howes15:50

       Uh-huh.

   19. SPSpeaker15:51

       Okay. So that's called close talking, and that is the first big rule.

   20. LHLewis Howes15:54

       Intimate zone.

   21. SPSpeaker15:55

       Intimate zone. When s-

   22. LHLewis Howes15:56

       You don't wanna be there.

   23. SPSpeaker15:57

       You don't wanna be there unless you're about to get intimate.

   24. LHLewis Howes15:59

       Or unless you like ... You're friends or you know each other and you're like, "That's what we do."

   25. SPSpeaker16:02

       Lewis, do you talk six inches away from your friends?

   26. LHLewis Howes16:04

       Oh, that's too close.

   27. SPSpeaker16:04

       Yeah. Okay.

   28. LHLewis Howes16:05

       No, no, that's like your girlfriend.

   29. SPSpeaker16:06

       Yeah. [laughs]

   30. LHLewis Howes16:06

       You know what I'm saying? Or your partner.
5. 18:29 – 25:16

   Shark Tank Findings: Hands and Gestures

   1. LHLewis Howes18:29

      It's so funny. I think ever since that interview, I'm always keeping my hands out.

   2. SPSpeaker18:33

      Yeah.

   3. LHLewis Howes18:33

      I don't think I was keeping-

   4. SPSpeaker18:34

      Yeah

   5. LHLewis Howes18:34

      ... my hands in before, but I think I'm just more aware of it when I'm walking by someone who might be a stranger. I just have my hands out and relaxed-

   6. SPSpeaker18:40

      Yes

   7. LHLewis Howes18:40

      ... and loose, but my, you know, I'm not like-

   8. SPSpeaker18:43

      Yes

   9. LHLewis Howes18:43

      ... tight or tense, and I'm not, like, hiding them or anything.

   10. SPSpeaker18:45

       Yes.

   11. LHLewis Howes18:45

       It's just, yeah, just walking normal and say, "Hey, how's it going?" You know?

   12. SPSpeaker18:48

       Ah, that's it.

   13. LHLewis Howes18:48

       Even do like a little wave, yeah, just to show-

   14. SPSpeaker18:50

       That's super charisma

   15. LHLewis Howes18:51

       ... "Hey. Say, hey, good to see you." You know?

   16. SPSpeaker18:52

       That's it. That's it. So when we... So I love Shark Tank. Do you know that-

   17. LHLewis Howes18:55

       Yeah

   18. SPSpeaker18:55

       ... show?

   19. LHLewis Howes18:56

       I love it.

   20. SPSpeaker18:56

       Okay. I know you had, yes.

   21. LHLewis Howes18:57

       I love it. Friday nights.

   22. SPSpeaker18:58

       Oh.

   23. LHLewis Howes18:58

       Shark Tank.

   24. SPSpeaker18:58

       Shark Tank. So I wanted to know, watching Shark Tank, was there patterns between the least successful pitches-

   25. LHLewis Howes19:03

       Interesting

   26. SPSpeaker19:04

       ... and the most successful pitches?

   27. LHLewis Howes19:05

       This is cool.

   28. SPSpeaker19:06

       Okay. So my team, I love my team. Thank you to my team.

   29. LHLewis Howes19:09

       Not, not on just based on, like, what people said, but how they said things.

   30. SPSpeaker19:12

       Everything.
6. 25:16 – 32:09

   Sparking Dopamine and Priming Words in Emails

   1. SPSpeaker25:16

      Okay. Yes. Okay. So we love gestures, and by the way, this is super easy on a video call, in person, "Hey, nice to see you. Good morning." The biggest mistake we make, someone walks in and we go, "Hey," we give them a nod.

   2. LHLewis Howes25:25

      Mm.

   3. SPSpeaker25:26

      Right? Give them a hand. They ha- You like them enough to give them a hand, right? So that's really easy. It's like w- every YouTube video, I'm like, "Hey, friends." That's literally how I start every video. Okay, that's the first thing. So the second thing is where things get more interesting. So remember that these sharks were in pitch after pitch after pitch.

   4. LHLewis Howes25:43

      Yeah. They're tired. They're like-

   5. SPSpeaker25:45

      They are so tired. They are so tired.

   6. LHLewis Howes25:46

      I've been on set there.

   7. SPSpeaker25:47

      Cool, cool.

   8. LHLewis Howes25:48

      I've seen, like, the whole day it's just like, it's a lot.

   9. SPSpeaker25:51

      It's a grind.

   10. LHLewis Howes25:52

       It's a grind.

   11. SPSpeaker25:52

       Okay. So the most successful pitches, the next thing we found, this was very, very clear, is that the more that the pitchers could spark dopamine, the more likely they were to get a deal. Now, dopamine is a very complicated chemical, so just for our purposes-

   12. LHLewis Howes26:06

       Food

   13. SPSpeaker26:06

       [laughs]

   14. LHLewis Howes26:07

       Eating something. No, giving them, like, "Oh, try my-"

   15. SPSpeaker26:10

       Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was like, "Food."

   16. LHLewis Howes26:12

       And they-

   17. SPSpeaker26:12

       Yes

   18. LHLewis Howes26:12

       ... if they would eat it, like taste testing.

   19. SPSpeaker26:14

       Exactly.

   20. LHLewis Howes26:14

       Like try, like opening something.

   21. SPSpeaker26:16

       Try it, taste it, smell it, lick it-

   22. LHLewis Howes26:17

       Feel it. Yeah

   23. SPSpeaker26:17

       ... touch it, feel it, wear it, play it.

   24. LHLewis Howes26:20

       Mm.

   25. SPSpeaker26:20

       Any of the, any of those senses we love.

   26. LHLewis Howes26:23

       Mm.

   27. SPSpeaker26:23

       So when we are doing something that's different, that's tactile, so yeah, touch, smell, taste, wear, play, do, try, that was gonna wake the sharks up.

   28. LHLewis Howes26:33

       Mm.

   29. SPSpeaker26:33

       Dopamine is a little bit, it's a very complicated chemical, but w- I want to talk about it a little differently. It does feel good. Right? So if, if they were to say to the sharks, "Sharks, today I have a gift for you," the brain goes, "Ooh, a gift, a gift, a gift, a gift."

   30. LHLewis Howes26:46

       Mm. Oh, give me something. Yeah.
7. 32:09 – 39:13

   Compliments, Similarity, and Lewis's Outreach Emails

   1. SPSpeaker32:09

      Oh, 100%. Actually, this leads me to my next, my next third point, my Shark Tank point. We also noticed that when pitchers specifically acknowledge things from the Sharks, and s- specific Sharks, they were more likely to get a deal from that Shark.

   2. LHLewis Howes32:22

      "I really liked this thing about you."

   3. SPSpeaker32:24

      Yes.

   4. LHLewis Howes32:24

      "You did this something amazing."

   5. SPSpeaker32:24

      "Lori, I've been so looking forward to working with you. Robert, I love all your deals with all those athletes."

   6. LHLewis Howes32:29

      Yeah

   7. SPSpeaker32:29

      "Mark, I've been a huge fan of yours for years."

   8. LHLewis Howes32:32

      Yeah

   9. SPSpeaker32:32

      Or this was, this was the winning phrase.

   10. LHLewis Howes32:34

       Give it to me

   11. SPSpeaker32:34

       In a pitch, if we heard this phrase, it was a high likelihood that someone was gonna get a deal, which is, "You remind me of myself." That could have been one of the Sharks. That could have been one of the entrepreneurs. But the biggest compliment we can give someone is, "You remind me of me. You're my role model."

   12. LHLewis Howes32:51

       Mm.

   13. SPSpeaker32:51

       "I put you in..." So this is what we're talking about is kinda the next level here is I think that, yes, I want you to be your most charismatic self. I want everyone, hopefully, who's listening to be inspired-

   14. LHLewis Howes33:02

       Mm

   15. SPSpeaker33:02

       ... to be their warmest, most competent self. But what a bigger gift, what a better way to be great to gift other people to be their warmest and most competent self.

   16. LHLewis Howes33:13

       Mm.

   17. SPSpeaker33:13

       So that when you're sending an email and you say, "Hey, I'm introing Sarah," or, "We have Sarah on the call," or, "Here's that quick email intro I had promised to Sarah," no priming words. What if, instead, you thought, "What's the warmest and most competent thing about-"

   18. LHLewis Howes33:28

       Mm

   19. SPSpeaker33:29

       "... both Sarah and the person I'm introducing to?" And you say, "Hey, I'd love you to meet Sarah. She's been leading our marketing team for 10 years. We are so lucky to have her."

   20. LHLewis Howes33:37

       Mm.

   21. SPSpeaker33:37

       "She's a gem." Lucky, gem.

   22. LHLewis Howes33:40

       Mm.

   23. SPSpeaker33:41

       Leader.

   24. LHLewis Howes33:42

       Mm.

   25. SPSpeaker33:42

       That is the perfect balance of warmth and competence, and you are gifting that to both Sarah, the person you're introing to, and yourself.

   26. LHLewis Howes33:49

       Mm.

   27. SPSpeaker33:49

       And so I think, I think our words are gifts, and this doesn't have to be every email. But in your most important emails that you, the, that audit that you send, count how many warm words are you using. So warm words are, um, words that, uh, trigger connection, trust, um, words that make you feel the warm and fuzzies. They're very oxytocin words. Count the number of competent words: efficient, productive, brainstorm, leverage, lead, streamline. Those are all great competence words. Uh, note, a funny note here is, um, emojis-

   28. LHLewis Howes34:20

       Are they good or bad?

   29. SPSpeaker34:21

       Highly warm.

   30. LHLewis Howes34:22

       Right
8. 39:13 – 49:47

   Non-Verbal Bridges, Uptalk, and the Jamie Siminoff Pitch

   1. SPSpeaker39:13

      can I, since you shared a vulnerability, can I share a vulnerability-

   2. LHLewis Howes39:16

      Sure

   3. SPSpeaker39:16

      ... and a compliment?

   4. LHLewis Howes39:16

      Sure.

   5. SPSpeaker39:17

      Okay. Okay.

   6. LHLewis Howes39:18

      [laughs]

   7. SPSpeaker39:18

      Okay, so I've been so excited to tell you this. So your book-

   8. LHLewis Howes39:22

      Uh-huh

   9. SPSpeaker39:22

      ... School of Greatness-

   10. LHLewis Howes39:23

       Uh-huh

   11. SPSpeaker39:23

       ... um, I love the cover. I just thought it was so inspiring, and when I was taking my cover shoot for Captivate, uh, so this is six years ago now, it was not going well.

   12. LHLewis Howes39:33

       Uh-huh.

   13. SPSpeaker39:33

       I was super awkward. My ph- my photographer, amazing, uh, Maggie Kirkland, was like, "Listen," like, "this isn't working. You're really awkward. I need you to relax."

   14. LHLewis Howes39:41

       Mm.

   15. SPSpeaker39:41

       I'm like, "I can't relax." Right? The worst thing you can do to p- someone who's anxious is tell them to relax. So we weren't getting the shot, we weren't getting the pictures, and she's like, "Okay, just think about your role models. Who's your role model?"

   16. LHLewis Howes39:49

       Mm.

   17. SPSpeaker39:49

       And I was like, "Lewis Howes." So she pulls up your book-

   18. LHLewis Howes39:52

       [laughs]

   19. SPSpeaker39:52

       ... and she goes, "Okay." And she said, "Look at Lewis."

   20. LHLewis Howes39:55

       Mm-hmm.

   21. SPSpeaker39:55

       "Channel him." And so in the shoot, I channeled you, and I c- I did your pose of my hands-

   22. LHLewis Howes40:03

       Mm-hmm

   23. SPSpeaker40:04

       ... over my stomach with your face, and crazily enough, that is the Captivate cover.

   24. LHLewis Howes40:08

       That was the shot.

   25. SPSpeaker40:09

       I'm gonna send you the full version.

   26. LHLewis Howes40:10

       How many books you sell? How many copies you get?

   27. SPSpeaker40:12

       A lot.

   28. LHLewis Howes40:12

       No. [laughs]

   29. SPSpeaker40:12

       A lot, a lot, a lot. I better, I better send you some royalties. [laughs]

   30. LHLewis Howes40:16

       Some royalties. [laughs]
9. 49:47 – 1:00:32

   Charisma vs. Manipulation and Danger Zone Cues

   1. LHLewis Howes49:47

      I'm cur- I'm curious about this. There's a big topic out there right now. I just did a recent interview with, uh, Dr. Ramani, who is a therapist, psychologist, talking about narcissism a lot today.

   2. SPSpeaker49:58

      Yeah. Mm-hmm.

   3. LHLewis Howes49:58

      Can you talk to me the difference between charisma and narcissism?

   4. SPSpeaker50:02

      Mm. Mm-hmm.

   5. LHLewis Howes50:03

      And how can you spot when someone is actually warm and caring and charismatic-

   6. SPSpeaker50:08

      Yeah

   7. LHLewis Howes50:08

      ... versus someone who uses the skills or the tools-

   8. SPSpeaker50:12

      Mm-hmm

   9. LHLewis Howes50:12

      ... of charisma-

   10. SPSpeaker50:13

       Mm-hmm

   11. LHLewis Howes50:13

       ... in their narcissistic approach-

   12. SPSpeaker50:16

       [laughs] Okay

   13. LHLewis Howes50:16

       ... towards manipulating, controlling, and getting what they want in life?

   14. SPSpeaker50:20

       So this is my biggest fear with this book. This is my, this is my single biggest fear, and it, uh, was an issue for me when I first started writing it.

   15. LHLewis Howes50:27

       Mm.

   16. SPSpeaker50:28

       Is I'm gonna be honest, you can use this book for manipulation.

   17. LHLewis Howes50:30

       Yeah, of course.

   18. SPSpeaker50:32

       And that scares me.

   19. LHLewis Howes50:33

       And when a smart person who's narcissistic-

   20. SPSpeaker50:36

       Oof

   21. LHLewis Howes50:36

       ... is gonna study everything-

   22. SPSpeaker50:37

       Ooh

   23. LHLewis Howes50:37

       ... and then start using it.

   24. SPSpeaker50:38

       It scares me.

   25. LHLewis Howes50:39

       So how can you-

   26. SPSpeaker50:40

       So-

   27. LHLewis Howes50:40

       ... tell the difference, the subtle cues?

   28. SPSpeaker50:42

       Yeah.

   29. LHLewis Howes50:43

       These are very subtle now.

   30. SPSpeaker50:44

       Very subtle, yeah. So we're talking about big to subtle, right? There's, like, a range of them.
10. 1:00:32 – 1:05:36

    Toxic People, Boundaries, and Doubling Down on Competence

    1. LHLewis Howes1:00:32

       And now your LA roots are coming back to you. [laughs]

    2. SPSpeaker1:00:35

       Right. [laughs] And that, right. That's why toxic people challenge us, is because they come into our lives. We know we're supposed to be warm, and so we try to force that warm sound, and it comes out sort of forced, and then it makes us feel bad. And then we're trying to overcompensate for it. And so you know what? The antidote here is not learning more fake warmth cues. It's, it's time to get rid of toxic people I think that's like the side effect [laughs]

    3. LHLewis Howes1:00:57

       Right

    4. SPSpeaker1:00:58

       ... of the book is like

    5. LHLewis Howes1:00:59

       Don't keep them around. Yeah.

    6. SPSpeaker1:01:00

       Don't keep those people around.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:01:01

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SPSpeaker1:01:01

       Because it will leak, and so set boundaries around them

    9. LHLewis Howes1:01:04

       So what, what do you mean it will leak? Like your integrity will leak because you're constantly trying to be nice, but then you're actually out of integrity, 'cause you don't wanna be?

    10. SPSpeaker1:01:10

        Right.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:01:11

        Is that right?

    12. SPSpeaker1:01:11

        Right. That's exactly true.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:01:12

        So your body is like, "I'm doing something that's not authentic to me-

    14. SPSpeaker1:01:15

        Authentic

    15. LHLewis Howes1:01:16

        ... 'cause I feel like I have to with this person."

    16. SPSpeaker1:01:17

        That's right.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:01:18

        And the more frequently you do that, you feel out of integrity with yourself.

    18. SPSpeaker1:01:21

        Yep, exactly. So-

    19. LHLewis Howes1:01:22

        With yourself.

    20. SPSpeaker1:01:23

        With your- [laughs]

    21. LHLewis Howes1:01:23

        [laughs]

    22. SPSpeaker1:01:24

        With yourself.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:01:24

        So that was-

    24. SPSpeaker1:01:24

        Because that was the question you were asking me

    25. LHLewis Howes1:01:25

        ... that was the question. Yeah, yeah.

    26. SPSpeaker1:01:26

        And I'm like, "Yes, it was."

    27. LHLewis Howes1:01:27

        Yeah, yeah.

    28. SPSpeaker1:01:27

        Yes, yes. It was perfect, 'cause you were asking a question, I knew... Yes. Is if you allow toxic people to come into your life, especially without boundaries, we have to have some-

    29. LHLewis Howes1:01:35

        Oh, yeah

    30. SPSpeaker1:01:35

        ... of those people we deal with.
11. 1:05:36 – 1:16:11

    Nodding Cues and Leader Body Language from the Nixon-Kennedy Debate

    1. SPSpeaker1:05:36

       There's a new cue that I snuck into the book in the very last draft-

    2. LHLewis Howes1:05:39

       Ooh, okay

    3. SPSpeaker1:05:39

       ... 'cause I just learned it. And this was actually brought to me by one of, a couple of my male readers, and I'm so curious. Okay.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:05:46

       Good to know.

    5. SPSpeaker1:05:46

       Do you agree with this, Lewis? Okay, here's what they said. So in the book, I had a whole section on nodding. So nodding-

    6. LHLewis Howes1:05:53

       [laughs]

    7. SPSpeaker1:05:53

       ... affirmative nods, upside down, right?

    8. LHLewis Howes1:05:55

       Yeah.

    9. SPSpeaker1:05:55

       Are yes.

    10. LHLewis Howes1:05:55

        I nod all the time, yes.

    11. SPSpeaker1:05:56

        Yeah. Yes, you, you're a nodder. It's really high warmth. We love it. We love you.

    12. LHLewis Howes1:05:59

        Oh, is it good? So-

    13. SPSpeaker1:05:59

        Yes, nodding is great, because vertical nods, and by the way, this is different in certain cultures where they'll nod, they nod, um-

    14. LHLewis Howes1:06:05

        Yes, sideways

    15. SPSpeaker1:06:05

        ... side to sideways.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:06:06

        There we go.

    17. SPSpeaker1:06:06

        That's different. Okay, so just vertical nodding in Western cultures is agreement. It's yes. In fact, research has found that when you nod at me slowly, I speak three to four times longer.

    18. LHLewis Howes1:06:15

        Ah, that's cool.

    19. SPSpeaker1:06:16

        That's why you're a good interviewer is because you'll nod and be like, "Keep going."

    20. LHLewis Howes1:06:19

        Yeah.

    21. SPSpeaker1:06:19

        "Keep going, keep going."

    22. LHLewis Howes1:06:20

        I'm just kind of, I'm just like a bobblehead. I'm just kind of like, "Yeah."

    23. SPSpeaker1:06:22

        [laughs]

    24. LHLewis Howes1:06:22

        Just kind of like a very slow, I'll pause.

    25. SPSpeaker1:06:24

        Slow.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:06:24

        I'm like, "Okay, cool."

    27. SPSpeaker1:06:26

        Okay, well, actually you're right. Slow nodding is tell me more.

    28. LHLewis Howes1:06:29

        Oh.

    29. SPSpeaker1:06:29

        Fast nodding is finish up.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:06:31

        Yeah, okay. Okay, then. [laughs]
12. 1:16:11 – 1:26:03

    Hand Postures, Steeples, and Palm Up vs. Palm Down

    1. LHLewis Howes1:16:11

       Now, what's the difference between the humble hands-

    2. SPSpeaker1:16:14

       Mm

    3. LHLewis Howes1:16:14

       ... on the knees?

    4. SPSpeaker1:16:15

       Mm-hmm.

    5. LHLewis Howes1:16:16

       Or on a table I guess, right? Does this work on a table as well?

    6. SPSpeaker1:16:18

       Yes, yes

    7. LHLewis Howes1:16:19

       Versus hand over top of the other hand-

    8. SPSpeaker1:16:21

       Yes

    9. LHLewis Howes1:16:22

       ... which is relaxed, but also is closed body.

    10. SPSpeaker1:16:25

        Yes.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:16:26

        Versus-

    12. SPSpeaker1:16:27

        Open

    13. LHLewis Howes1:16:27

        ... two hands s- two hands side by side, relaxed. Not, like, intense, but relaxed, side by side. What's the difference between these two?

    14. SPSpeaker1:16:34

        Perfect question. So your book cover.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:16:36

        Yeah.

    16. SPSpeaker1:16:36

        Your book cover is hand over hand.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:16:38

        Yeah.

    18. SPSpeaker1:16:38

        And they're relaxed.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:16:39

        Yeah

    20. SPSpeaker1:16:40

        And it's a closed posture, but it works.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:16:42

        Mm-hmm.

    22. SPSpeaker1:16:43

        Right? And so it's okay to me. As long as your hands are relaxed, I don't care if they're closed or open. Now, I do care about this. So when we protect our trunk-

    23. LHLewis Howes1:16:52

        Arms crossed

    24. SPSpeaker1:16:53

        ... arms crossed. Yes, I do care about this. And why is because when we are crossing like this, I know it's comfortable for some people.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:16:58

        Mm-hmm.

    26. SPSpeaker1:16:58

        What research finds is two things. One is we look more closed off.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:17:03

        Mm-hmm.

    28. SPSpeaker1:17:03

        So we never wanna look closed off. But second, they found that when people are trying to be creative or strategic, they literally cannot generate as, as much ideas when they are like this.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:17:12

        What's the alternative?

    30. SPSpeaker1:17:14

        Humility hands, open posture, holding a drink, typing at a computer, taking notes.
13. 1:26:03 – 1:28:36

    Obama's Vocal Cues and the Power Pause

    1. LHLewis Howes1:26:03

       The thumb pinch.

    2. SPSpeaker1:26:04

       Oh, the thumb pinch.

    3. LHLewis Howes1:26:06

       This is Obama, right?

    4. SPSpeaker1:26:07

       Okay.

    5. LHLewis Howes1:26:07

       He did this all the time, didn't he?

    6. SPSpeaker1:26:08

       So here's what's funny, is Obama used to be a pointer. We don't like being pointed at.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:26:13

       Mm.

    8. SPSpeaker1:26:13

       So there's something about it as humans, you know, it's like, "Let me tell you what to do."

    9. LHLewis Howes1:26:16

       Right.

    10. SPSpeaker1:26:17

        Kind of a better-than-move.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:26:17

        [laughs]

    12. SPSpeaker1:26:18

        So I think he was coached, because all of a sudden he never pointed again and he only used the thumb pinch.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:26:23

        Mm.

    14. SPSpeaker1:26:24

        The thumb pinch is a very clever gesture, because in Western cultures this means good job, thumbs up.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:26:31

        Thumbs up.

    16. SPSpeaker1:26:31

        Good job, or like me. Like, literally, social media, like, right? This is what we see. Like, like, like, like. Give me a like. And so the thumb pinch is a very subtle thumbs up gesture, so every time he does it, it makes you think, "Oh..." First of all, it's not, he never clenches.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:26:46

        It's relaxed.

    18. SPSpeaker1:26:46

        It's relaxed.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:26:47

        It's kind of like an open thumb.

    20. SPSpeaker1:26:48

        It's an open thumb. Because he's saying, "A-okay, A-okay, like, like, like."

    21. LHLewis Howes1:26:51

        Mm-hmm.

    22. SPSpeaker1:26:52

        And he's also saying, "This is a point I want you to remember."

    23. LHLewis Howes1:26:54

        Mm. This is-

    24. SPSpeaker1:26:55

        It literally looks like a bullet point.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:26:56

        Right, right.

    26. SPSpeaker1:26:56

        I'm gonna give you a point that you should remember.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:26:58

        Yes.

    28. SPSpeaker1:26:59

        And Obama, I'm gonna do an Obama impression. It's gonna embarrass us both, okay?

    29. LHLewis Howes1:27:02

        It's okay. [laughs]

    30. SPSpeaker1:27:03

        [laughs] I'm not very good at impressions-
14. 1:28:36 – 1:40:06

    Closing Reflections, Three Truths, Gratitude, and Greatness

    1. LHLewis Howes1:28:36

       So many great cues in here. The power of the pause. The pause for power.

    2. SPSpeaker1:28:39

       So a mistake that I used to make is I would pause the end of my sentence before continuing on to my next sentence, and I would get interrupted, right? So the, a mistake that people will make is they'll give a thought, pause, and then keep speaking. Now, pauses are quite powerful. Powerful people typically use pauses in their speech. But if you pause in between your sentences, people will interrupt you 'cause they think you're done. You're actually better off using what I call a, a power pause. A power pause is when you pause right before you give something away. [laughs]

    3. LHLewis Howes1:29:10

       [laughs] So not at the-

    4. SPSpeaker1:29:11

       Did I do it?

    5. LHLewis Howes1:29:12

       ... not at the end of a sentence.

    6. SPSpeaker1:29:13

       Right.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:29:14

       In the middle of a sentence, before you're gonna share something.

    8. SPSpeaker1:29:17

       Really important.

    9. LHLewis Howes1:29:18

       So let me tell you something really important.

    10. SPSpeaker1:29:20

        That's it.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:29:20

        And then say it.

    12. SPSpeaker1:29:20

        That's it. Exactly.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:29:21

        Yeah.

    14. SPSpeaker1:29:21

        So, like, so, so the, here's the mistake that people make, is they'll say, "Something really important happened in my childhood that I wanna tell you about." Pause. "It was when I was..." Okay?

    15. LHLewis Howes1:29:31

        Mm-hmm.

    16. SPSpeaker1:29:31

        And people are like, "Should I talk to you? Should I ask another question?"

    17. LHLewis Howes1:29:33

        Right, right.

    18. SPSpeaker1:29:33

        "What should I say?" It actually creates conversational confusion, which is the last thing you want. Versus, "I wanna share a really important story from my childhood."

    19. LHLewis Howes1:29:42

        Mm-hmm.

    20. SPSpeaker1:29:42

        That creates a lot more intrigue-

    21. LHLewis Howes1:29:44

        Mm-hmm

    22. SPSpeaker1:29:44

        ... because, like, a story, oh, from your childhood. And I, I have no desire to interrupt. So that's in a very advanced tip. That's, [laughs] that's towards the end of the book.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:29:51

        Sure.

    24. SPSpeaker1:29:51

        It's a very advanced tip, because if you have trouble with people interrupting you, I would practice switching your pauses, and think about that. What's the drama-

    25. LHLewis Howes1:29:59

        Mm

    26. SPSpeaker1:29:59

        ... you can get- [laughs]

    27. LHLewis Howes1:30:00

        Drama.

    28. SPSpeaker1:30:01

        Yeah.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:30:01

        Create the drama.

    30. SPSpeaker1:30:02

        Volume, pauses, yeah. A- and by the way, Obama did that very well. He would, he would deliver a point, right? He would go into his resonance and he would say, "What this country needs is better systems."

Episode duration: 1:40:06